isbn 978-1-4521-3259-4edelweiss-assets.abovethetreeline.com/ch/supplemental/at... · 2015-05-22 ·...
TRANSCRIPT
It’s every beer drinker’s worst nightmare—a cold brew in hand with no means to open it.
Here are 99* ways to get the job done fast, featuring step-by-step instructions for using such handy available implements as a belt buckle, TV remote, baby carriage, dog collar, ski binding, golf club, park bench, BBQ grill, lawn mower, automatic teller machine, police car, and more.
*Plus one Brett Stern
STERN
99 W
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$9.95 U.S. / £xx.xx U.K.
ISBN 978-1-4521-3259-4
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INTRODUCTIONRight about now, an icy cold bottle of beer sounds awesome. But an icy cold bottle of beer inhand that’s not a twist off—with no bottle opener in sight—sounds like a disaster.
Worry not fellow beer drinkers: life’s too short to let such trivial things keep you from your brew. After years of trial and error and enough beer drinking, I’ve put together this handy how-to reference guide to solve all of your problems, or rather that most crucial problem of getting your beer open without an opener, no matter where you are or what you might have at hand.
In life, sometimes you don’t have the correct tool to complete a task. But with the easy-to-follow photographs and instruc-tions in this book, you’ll be quenching your thirst in no time. As you use and apply these methods, you will soon recognize the possible variations, adapt them to come up with your own solutions, and attain the rank of Professional Beer Bottle Opener. Let’s face it, all you’re doing is prying a round piece of metal off a round piece of glass. Cheers!
Why is my beer capped like this in the first place?
In 1892, William Painter, a mechanical engineer and foreman in a machine shop, was hired by a bottle manufacturer to develop a universal neck size and shape for glass bottles. These bottles were to be used for carbonated beverages and beer to standardize production and quality control. Having accomplished this, he then recognized the need for a uniform cap for the bottles, and patented the “crown cork cap” as a sealing method. These innovations allowed for the invention of a machine to fill the bottles with liquid and carbonation, a machine for securing or “crowning” the caps on the bottles, and of course the bottle cap opener. A prolific inventor with eighty-five patents, Painter was inducted into the Inventors Hall of Fame in 2006.
To accompany each method, I have instituted a skill-rating system indicating the degree of difficulty.
Easy Medium Hard
I wish you luck and happy beer drinking!
ALWAYS REMEMBER: Never drink from a bottle if you break the glass.
Do you have your own awesome method? Email me a photo at open@99open beers.com.
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EDGE OF TABLE 1Place cap on edge of
table
2Just punch the sh*t out of it
3Drink the rewards
1 DISPOSABLE LIGHTER 1Hold bottle securely
2Place bottom of lighter under cap
3Place thumb on top of cap
4Pry off cap
5Drink
6You are a professional
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BOTTLE TO BOTTLE 1Hold cap to cap
2Pull apart, trying to get the bottom bottle to open first
3Drink
Beware: Due to Murphy’s Law, the top bottle usually opens first. If the beer gods are smiling on you, both beers will open without spilling a drop.
3 KEY 1Place end of key under
cap
2Pry off cap
3Drink
4Don’t lose your keys
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POCKET CHANGE 1Spend the last of your
cash on cheap beer
2Reach into your pockets and realize you have spare change
3While holding bottle securely, place lucky coin under cap
4Pop off cap
5Drink
5 CORKSCREW 1First of all, why do you
have a corkscrew and not a bottle opener?
2Place tip of corkscrew under cap rim
3Pry off cap
4Drink beer not wine
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BBQ GRILL 1Stick cap in grill
2Press down
3Pour some beer on steaks
4Drink
5Don’t forget to flip the meat
8PROPANE TANK 1Go to store to refill grill’s
propane tank
2Pick up another six-pack of beer
3Carry tank home and notice the metal frame of the hand support is a perfect bottle opener
4Pry off cap
5Drink
6Enjoy the BBQ
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PACKAGED ICE COOLER 1Case of beer: check
2Bag of chips: check
3Bag of ice: check
4Wedge cap under door
5Pry off cap
6Drink
9 BEER KEG TAPEventually the keg will be empty.
1Collect some coin and do a quick beer run
2Place cap in tap/keg connector
3Pry off cap
4Drink
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CURLING IRON 1Before turning iron on,
place cap between iron and curling bar
2Pry off cap
3Drink
4Turn iron on
5Drink
6Curl hair
7Drink
11 EYELASH CURLER 1Get ready for a fun night
out
2Place metal lip under cap
3Gently lift up
4Drink
5Redo your lipstick
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DOOR KNOCKER 1Bring a six-pack to
friend’s house to watch the game
2Knock on front door with knocker
3Realize six-pack is getting heavy
4Remove one bottle and place cap under knocker
5Press down to open
6Drink
7Decide to try doorbell
13 14 DOOR STRIKE PLATE 1Place cap in lock
opening
2Pry off cap
3Drink
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DRUMS 1Play a five minute solo
2Place cap in between drum and metal lug
3Pry off cap
4Drink
DRUMSTICK 1Practice, practice,
practice
2Take a break
3Grab a cold beer
4Place drumstick tip under cap and pop off
5Drink
6More cowbell
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FEDEX BOX 1Quick, finish contract
2Rush down to corner drop box just before pickup time
3Drop envelope in box
4Place cap between door and frame
5Pry off cap
6Celebrate
7Drink
18UPS TRUCK 1There’s always a UPS
truck somewhere on the street
2Place cap between back bumper supports
3Pry off cap
4Drink
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