VOLUME XV, NUMBER 5

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When we make a commitment to our partner,our usual expectation IS that "our relationshipwill last for life and that our love will see

us through the inevitable hard"times. Yet, when real-ity sinks in, we have to acknowledge that while loveis one of the components of a relationship's longevity,it really takes more to make it through the long haul.It takes community and family support (which isn't as

"available as it once was in our society) - and it takesskill. Many of us have failed to learn how to negotiateour way through relationship difficulties to build a last-ing connection.

Psychologists have carried out substantial researchover the past several decades trying to understand thesecrets of why some couples are able to stay togetherand others are not. For instance, John Gottman, Ph.D.,at the University of Washington, has studied over 2,000couples, and he has had remarkable success in predict-ing which couples will make it and which will not.Contrary to popular wisdom, one of his findings is thatincreased sex does not necessarily improve a relation-ship. He also found that financial problems do notalways imply trouble for a couple.

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One of Gottman's major findings is that couples whofight are not necessarily on the road to a breakup. Infact, he makes the point that arguments may be con-structive in building a long-term relationship becausethey help us to clarify our needs and increase mutualrespect between partners. But whether the argumentswill lead to a breakup or not depends on how thecouple resolves its conflicts. There are positive ways toresolve conflicts that may strengthen the relationship.

Judith S. Barnett, Ph.D.Clinical Psychologist

Advanced Clinician in Imago RelationshipTherapy

License Number: NC 789

1829 East Franklin Street1100 B Franklin Square

Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27514

919-942-0400

Email: juba1@judithbarnett.comWebsites:

judithbarnett.comafterinfidelity. com

Dr. Barnett specializes ill relationship issues,infidelity counseling and Imago relation-

. ship therapy.,

Other services include:Individual psychotherapyMarital therapySeparation counselingDepression • AnxietyWomen's Issues

Arguments don't necessarily mean your relation-ship is in trouble - and they might be an essential

component of a long-lasting relationship.

One finding to emerge from the research is thatcouples are likely to succeed if they have a healthybalance between positive and negative emotions andinteractions. In fact, strong relationships have a jive toone ratio - five parts positive interaction to one partnegative. Couples who break up, on the other hand,tend to have more negative than positive interactions.

Positive Behaviors in a RelationshipWhat are these positive interactions? They are foundill

Showing interest in what your partner is saying,Expressing affection to your partner both verbal-ly ("I love you") and nonverbally (holding hands,doing kind little things),Showing you care - perhaps by making a phonecall during the day or bringing home flowers,Showing appreciation by remembering the goodtimes in your relationship or telling your partnerhow proud you are of him or her,Indicating your concern - instead of actingdefensive, show that you are concerned aboutyour partner's troubling experiences or apologizeif you say something hurtful without thinking,Conveying empathy in your facial expressionand verbal feedback - show that you truly careabout what your partner is going through,Displaying acceptance of your partner's thoughtsand feelings - this shows your respect for yourpartner, .Joking around, which includes playful teasing,laughing together, and maybe acting silly together,andSharing your joy when good things happen.

The Negative CascadeA relationship in trouble is one that falls into anegative cascade. One negative reaction leads to thenext until there is a seemingly insurmountable wallbetween the two partners. Relationships that enter thisdestructive phase need attention and can benefit fromthe trustworthy, confidential intervention of a profes-sional therapist. Sometimes the two partners fail tonotice when they have entered this cycle because theyfeel justified in reacting as they do - but the price theypay is the slow erosion of their relationship. It mayseem impossible for them to recapture the love thatbrought them together in the first place.

Here are the phases of the negative cascade -

Criticism.Criticism involves attacking your partner's personal-ity or character, not just his or her behavior. There isusually an element of blame in the attack. Criticizingyour partner leads to defensiveness and may encou:-age your partner to withdraw from you - after all, Ifyour partner feels blamed because of a personalityflaw, it would be difficult thing to repair. A com-plaint, on the other hand, especially if it is stated asan "I -statement," is an expression of your feeling thatallows your partner to correct the situation. Stating acomplaint, though it may not be pleasant, can enhancethe relationship because it gets problematic behaviorout in the open where it can be talked about. Com-plaints often begin with the word, "I," and criticismsmight begin with the word, "you."

To repair this pattern, try stating your criticisms ascomplaints that your partner can respond to and nottake as a personal attack. Make your complaints spe-cific and talk about them as a behaviors that can bechanged. Take responsibility for your own part in theproblem.

Criticisms vs, Complaints

Criticism - "You're a workaholic! You don't careabout me!"

Complaint - "I feel unloved when I have to bealone so much when you work late at night."

Criticism - "The world revolves around you -you need to have the last word, always."

Complaint - "I get upset when you interrupt me."

ContemptIf the criticisms withina relationship are notaddressed, the interac-tion between the twopartners may lead tocontempt. This stageof the negative cas-cade is seen whenthere is an attempt toinsult your partner, asin, "You're just a pigaround the house andI don't know how Icould ever have lovedyou." Contemptuousremarks go right toThis newsletter is intended to offer general information only and recognizes thatindividual issues may differ from these broad guidelines. Personal issues should beaddressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the detailsof the problems. ©2008 Simmonds Publications: 5580 La Jolla Blvd., #306,La Jolla, CA 92037 Wehsite - www.emotionalwellness.com

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StonewallingIn the final phase of the negative cascade the couplefinally breaks off normal contact. Gottman foundthat 85 percent of stonewallers are men. This phasecharacterizes a stage in the damaged relationshipwhere one of the partners decides that no communica-tion is better than the destructive feelings and wordsthat have prevailed prior to this point. Withdrawingfrom interaction sends a powerful negative message- and the stonewaller may feel that this is the onlyoption left. It is important to note that a commonfighting technique between partners is for one to usethe "silent treatment" - but this is not the same asstonewalling. The silent treatment is used on occa-sion, while stonewalling is an habitual reaction for I==~~=================-.~===================

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the heart of your partner's sense of self. They aremeant to hurt. There are several forms of contempt,such as name-calling, insulting jokes about your part-ner, mockery, and body language (such as sneering,eye rolling, or curling your upper lip). If a relation-ship gets to this stage, it is difficult to recapture thelove and it may be vulnerable to a breakup.

To make this situation better, both partners need toidentify the contempt and to replace it intentionallywith words of admiration and respect. They need towork on trying to achieve the ratio of five positives toone negative.

DefeLlHyenessWhen a person is bombarded with criticism and indi-cations of contempt, it is natural to feel like a victim- and victims go into a defensive posture ("I haven'tdone anything wrong, so stop picking on me").Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself and toguard against further attacks. The victim feels justi-fied in doing this. However, what is not often under-stood is that defensiveness tends to escalate a con-flict rather than quelling it. The partner who does theblaming feels that the other one doesn't "get it" andis resistant to addressing the problem. This can resultin a standoff where constructive communicationcomes to a halt. Rather than trying to mutually solvethe problems in the relationship, the two partnersspend their energy defending themselves. Nothing isresolved, the conflict escalates, and the negative cas-

'cade continues to damage the relationship.

The way to address the defensiveness phase of thecascade is to learn how to stay calm. When anxiety isreduced, it is possible to ward off criticism, put it intoperspective, and avoid reacting defensively. It is help-ful to learn how to react to the overallsituation ratherthan to only the words that are spoken in moments ofconflict. Staying calm protects us against the possibil-ity of feeling overwhelmed during heated moments.

the couple and is preceded by the first three phasesof the negative cascade. Relationships that get to thispoint are still salvageable, but they are fragile. At thisstage, the couple must want to work hard to save therelationship.

In order to address the problem of stonewalling, thecouple should address issues like learning to staycalm, speaking nondefensively, and becoming awareof the thoughts that maintain their distress. A therapistcan help a couple learn all of these skills.

Making P!lsitive Relationship Changes

There is still hope for couples who find themselves indestructive patterns, but they must learn new skills.Consulting with a trained therapist is generally themost effective way to do this.

One skill to learn is how to avoid flooding; 'whichis a feeling of being overwhelmed by your partner'snegativity and your own reactions. In flooding, youfeel that you have reached your limit and can take nomore. A person who experiences flooding feels hos-tile, withdrawn, and defensive. This person feels theneed to calm down and may feel like running awayfrom the situation just to get some relief. A therapistcan teach the partners how to stay calm in these situ-ations and to use positive thinking techniques. Bothpartners also need to redefine the attacks on them assimply the way the other person is trying to make apoint.

Arguments are not necessarily a sign that the relation-ship is in trouble. In fact, conflict is a way to clarifyour expectations about our role - and our partner'srole - within the relationship. This clarification allowsboth partners to feel comfortable and secure. Thecouple needs to know that they can trust each other.Mutual respect can emerge out of productive argu-ments. Making conflicts constructive is a skill that canlead to a lifetime of love, intimacy, and the experienceof knowing that you are cherished by an importantperson in your world.

Recommended ReadingJohn GottmanWhy Marriages Succeed or Fail.New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994.Paperback, $14.00,234 pages.ISBN -13: 978-0-684-80241-1.

THE B A C K P A G IESome Skills for Creatinga Healthy Relationship

Gottman points out four strategies for improvingrelationships. Most ~f us are not especial.ly adeptat these skills, especially when we enter mto a

significant life relationship, but learning them gives us agood chance to increase the success of both our relation-ship and our total life experience.

Learn to Calm Down - This skill is especiallyimportant wilen we need to deal with flooding, and italso allows us to stay objective in the face of conflict.Staying calm allows us to see the overall picture ratherthan over-reacting to the stresses of the moment so thatwe can access the more understanding and caring partsof ourselves. When we are physiologically aroused,we are prone to losing ourselves in the emotions of themoment - and that can mean allowing our anger to goout of control. There are a number of techniques that canhelp us to calm down -• Take your pulse.• Take a time out when things get out of control - a

twenty-minute recess allows us to return to our base-line level of arousal.

• Change your thinking from distressful thoughts toself-soothing thoughts ("He's angry now, but this isn'tabout me"). .

• Try deep breathing and try to capture some peacefulthoughts.

• Learn progressive muscle relaxation techniques -your therapist can teach you this .

• Aerobic exercise can lead to a calm feeling.

Speak and listen Nondefensively -Deliberately make yourself have positive, caring thoughtsabout your partner. Focus on what is right in your rela-tionship, not on what is wrong and needs to be changed.Share these thoughts with your partner through praise,compliments, and words of appreciation. This may be adifficult skill to master, especially when we feel irritated,but the reward to your relationship is invaluable.

Validate Your Partner - This means showingempathy for your partner's situation. Let your partnerknow that you appreciate the experiences he or she ishaving and that you consider them valid, even if youdon't agree on a point. Take responsibility for what yourpartner might blame you for. It takes strength to apolo-gize - but is it better to be right or to have a healthyrelationship? Compliment your partner on his or herability to make their needs known.

Overlearn These Skills - It may be relativelyeasy to try these techniques from time to time, but theclue to a successful long-term relationship is to use themdaily and over the long term. These skills need to beautomatic, and that comes from practicing them. You-and your partner - will be better off for it.

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Judith S. Barnett, Ph.D.1829 East Franklin Street1100 B Franklin SquareChapel Hill, NC 27514