Effective Communication: A Guide to A Happier You

By James Johnson PG Dip, Reg.MBACP Individual and Couples Counsellor,www.jamesjohnsoncounselling.co.uk

Hello, and Welcome to “Effective Communication: A Guide to a Happier You,” an ebook brought to you by James Johnson. James is a registered professional Clinical Counsellor who works with Individuals and Couples in Basingstoke and Reading and also online to people all over the world. James is passionate about helping people develop healthier relationships with themselves and others.

I picked this title because I want to help you prevent unnecessary conflict in your relationships. So many couples and individuals I see in my therapy practice have stopped communicating effectively with their partner, their family, their friends or at work. Over time they have learnt to bottle up what hurts, to hold back their confusion, their frustration and anger. Or I meet people who find they are misunderstood all too often, anger is ever present in their relationships, and they tend to get caught up in constant arguing with seemingly no lasting resolution in sight.

As relationships become strained we tend to withdraw, arguments are not resolved and it's then a choice between either, leaving via the nearest exit or staying put, and putting up with a disappointing relationship for too long or in some cases, for the rest of our lives. You may find that you fill the void of an intimate connection with food, alcohol, drugs, activities, work and television. Such coping strategies are clues as to what is missing for you, namely intimate connection. If this is you, then I hope you can start the process of seeking healthier ways to connect with others. After all, we all need healthy relationships – a need that is literally hard-wired into us from birth.

I am particularly passionate about this as I used to struggle to communicate effectively: I used to be scared to ask, I used to be too angry to say how I felt, I use to withdraw and feel isolated and lonely. It took me a long time to realise that. Don't be like I was, don't suffer unnecessarily, make a positive change today because becoming an Effective Communicator is vital in creating the life and relationships you want.

Luckily, effective communication is a skill that can be learned, and in time it becomes a habit that you don't need to think about, you'll just do it naturally. As a result of this skill your relationships will blossom and develop in ways that will further encourage you to communicate effectively.

In all likelihood you probably have experienced effective communication, you probably already know what it feels and looks like, in which case, you can treat this ebook as a handy toolkit, to increase your skills in communicating. If, however, you find relating strained with other people and are not sure how to move forward, then the tips laid out here could be very useful to you.

This offering, I hope, will help those who need it to develop great communication skills, to be more curious, courageous, confident, compassionate and resilient; attributes which will certainly help you to have more satisfying and fulfilling relationships.

Here are my top tips:

• Consider your feelings, ask yourself, what do I need right now? What are your aims? Keep reminding yourself of your aims. Is there something in particular you want to talk about? Perhaps think about telling the other person that you would just like them to listen for a while before taking their turn.

• Take turns, focus on one topic at a time, discuss what you need to say until both of you are ready to move on to the next topic.

• Speak of your needs only, try not to speak for the other person. Any attempt to change the other person will be felt as pressure, which may add fuel to the flames. It is far better to stay true to your needs and respect the other persons different opinion. If the other person feels you are ready to respect them, and their different opinions, then they maybe more open to your needs.

• Can you sense any deeper needs as you speak? Keep in touch with those needs and when you feel certain of them take the risk of being honest about them. A good example maybe, that general anxiety conveys a feeling of being alone or unsupported. If you can access such deeper needs and speak of them, the other will have to respect your experience. Your experience is yours alone, no one can take that away from you.

• Be aware of how you speak. The tone of your voice and your body language speak volumes.

• It will help you both to avoid blame, or other aggressive or violent communication. Marshall Rosenberg has a great book about this called Nonviolent Communication (3rd Edition 2015), in which he explains his four rules to effective communication:

1. Express non-judgementally the actions that have affected your well-being2. Express how you feel as a result of these actions (avoid blaming the other person)3. Express the needs, values, desires that create your feelings4. Request that your needs are respected (ask for what you want to happen next)

• It's worth repeating - Don't blame the other person for how you feel. It is not their fault. Your feelings are yours alone, they are a result of your personal history, values and beliefs.

• Don't take responsibility for the other persons feelings. They are not your feelings and you cannot change them. All you can do is respect them and be compassionate towards them even if that is a struggle for you. Your negotiations depend on your ability to respect not only your needs but the needs of the other person.

• Pay attention to any tightness or tension in your body – for example, your eyes, jaw, chest, shoulders or legs and see if you can relax the tension as you speak – this will allow your body to feel more comfortable, will help you speak more easily and will also help the other person to receive you more openly. Paying attention to your bodily senses can help you relax and exhaling slowly can also help you to become more relaxed.

• Be careful to avoid inconsistent body language – be aware of how you are coming across,

if your body language doesn't chime with how you are feeling then you will come across as confusing or worse, being dishonest.

• Encourage positive body language – you can increase your confidence by maintaining an upright posture, shifting your shoulders back, chest out and maintaining good eye contact.

• Prepare what you are going to say. Visualise the conversation in advance, this will help you stay on track, especially if you feel difficult emotions will be triggered whilst talking.

• Instead of dwelling on the past, build for the future. Negotiate how you both want things to be in the future. Be clear about your needs, again if it helps, write these down in advance or visualise how the conversation will go.

• Listen to the complaints of the other person and see what you can do or say to correct those complaints. Do what is comfortable for you, pay attention to your needs, and be honest about what you can't do. You may have to disagree on some points and compromise on others. Make solid agreements with each other and take them seriously.

• When listening to the other person be sure to really listen. Completely focus, be aware of any distractions and come back to those later. Avoid interrupting, avoid judging, be respectful, accepting, interested and open. If you are unsure of what has been said, ask for clarification.

• Try to use humour when appropriate. Us human beings are very alert to threat, our whole bodies respond to threat in a split second; humour can help us switch our brains from threat response (our defence mode) to our more diplomatic sociable way of responding. When we are more relaxed in this way we will be better able to find the resolutions we need to move forward.

• Be aware of the other persons limitations. Do they always have to have the last word? Can they respect your feelings? Are they unable to change? - Perhaps over time you will begin to realise that the other person can't fulfill your needs, in which case it would be best to change the relationship to suit your needs.

• Take the long view. Our suffering is caused by clinging to our desires and opinions. Perhaps avoid any response until you have calmed down, even if that means walking away. Once opinions are voiced they maybe hard to take back. Don't damage a relationship unnecessarily.

• Is there a pattern to your disagreements with other people, if so there is something useful for you to understand in that pattern. For example, when someone is angry do you take responsibility for their feelings or do you react angrily when your partner goes to bed early. These responses are causing you suffering and will continue to do so unless you can learn from them. Therapy can help here, as can having a patient and compassionate partner who can listen as you explore your experience.

• Whatever happens remain compassionate and kind to yourself and the other person. Feel free to agree to disagree, but refrain from blame or aggression. This may take some effort, but the more open and relaxed you can be the smoother and more productive your communications will be and the more intimate your relationship will become.

There is so much more I could say about effective communication, but this is a good start. The information laid out here will, with practice, lead you to being more effective in communicating your needs and help others to clearly hear what you are saying. The upshot of which is better relationships. After all, it is simply far easier being in a respectful and compassionate relationship than being in a strained or distant one.

Congratulations on completing my ebook, thank you for downloading it. If you have benefitted from this ebook please drop me a line via my website – www.jamesjohnsoncounselling.co.uk – and let me know. If you want additional support with your relationships, you can also contact me directly through my site.

Wishing you Healthier and more Satisfying relationships,

James Johnson, PGDip, Reg.MBACPCounsellor for Individuals and CouplesJames Johnson Counsellingwww.jamesjohnsoncounselling.co.uk