Intimate Relationships and Communication

Chapter 4

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Developing Intimate Relationships

• Be willing to give of yourself• Self-concept, self-esteem, and self-acceptance

– Feel good about yourself– Have a healthy relationship with yourself– Roots of our identity and self are developed during

childhood• Relationships with parents and family members

• Gender role and communication– Cultural expectations

• Attachment

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Friendship

• Characteristics of friendship:– Companionship– Respect– Acceptance– Help– Trust– Loyalty– Mutuality– Reciprocity

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Love, Sex, and Intimacy

• Love encompasses opposites:– Affection and anger– Excitement and boredom– Stability and change– Bonds and freedom

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Love, Sex, and Intimacy

• For most, love, sex, and commitment are closely linked– Love: positive factors that draw people together– Sex: excitement and passion, adds fascination

and pleasure– Commitment: contributes to stability

• Other features of love: euphoria, preoccupation, idealization, devaluation, infatuation

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Love, Sex, and Intimacy

• Strong relationships comprise:– Trust– Caring– Respect– Loyalty– Interest in the other– Concern for the other’s

wellbeing

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Love, Sex, and Intimacy

• Triangular theory of love– Intimacy: feelings of attachment, closeness,

connectedness– Passion: motivational drives, sexual attraction– Commitment: decision to stay together, with the

ultimate goal of making long-term plans

• Different stages of love are based on different combinations of the three dimensions

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The Triangular Theory of Love

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The Pleasure and Pain of Love

• The pleasure and pain of love• Passionate love

– Recognize that human emotions have two components:

• Physiological arousal• Emotional explanation for the arousal

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The Transformation of Love

• All relationships change over time• At first, high levels of passion and increased

intimacy• Reduction of intensity can lead to the

development of a more enduring love

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Challenges in Relationships

• Honesty and openness• Emotional intelligence

– Self-awareness, self-discipline, empathy

– Mindfulness

• Unequal or premature commitment• Unrealistic expectations

– Expecting your partner to change

– Assuming

– Giving up autonomy/self-sufficiency

CONTINUED…

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Challenges in Relationships

• Competitiveness– Focus on the fun

• Balance of time together and apart• Jealousy• Supportiveness

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Unhealthy Relationships

• Recognizing unhealthy relationships• Ending a relationship

– Guidelines for a breakup• Give the relationship a fair chance• Be fair and honest• Be tactful and compassionate• If you are the rejected person, make time for resolving

your anger and pain• Recognize the value in the experience

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Communication

• Ability to interpret nonverbal messages– Attunement

• Digital communication and our social networks• Communication skills

– Self-disclosure– Listening– Feedback

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Conflict and Conflict Resolution

• Conflict resolution skills are vital for maintaining intimate relationships– Clarify the issue– Find out what each person wants– Determine how you both get what you want– Decide how to negotiate– Solidify the agreements– Review and renegotiate

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Pairing and Singlehood

• Choosing a partner– First attraction—observable characteristics

• Similarities: geography, ethnic and socioeconomic background, educational level, lifestyle, physical attractiveness, and other traits

– After euphoria of romantic love, emphasis switches to values and future aspirations

– Most important question: How much do we have in common?

• Differences add value, but similarities increase chances of success

• Acceptance and communication are key

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Dating

• Different cultures have different rituals for finding a mate

• Narrowing the field of romantic partners– Casual dating– Getting together in

groups– Exclusive dating

• For some, the trend is casual sexual activity without dating—hooking up

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Online Relationships

• Advantages of connecting with people online:– Allows for relaxed communication– Easier; less investment– Can get to know someone from home, set your own

pace, start and end relationship at any time

• Disadvantages– Misrepresentation– Greater tendency to idealize online partners

because people reveal only what they want– Remove chemistry and intuition from the process

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Living Together

• Cohabitation– By age 30 half of all men and women have

cohabited– Greater acceptance

• Advantages– Autonomy– Fewer obligations than marriage

• Disadvantages– Legal protections absent– Less stable

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Same-Sex Partnerships

• Most people look for love in a committed relationship, regardless of sexual orientation– Differences between straight

and gay relationships• Homosexual relationships are

more egalitarian• Same-sex partners must deal

with societal attitudes– Homophobia

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Singlehood

• Growing number of single people– Changing views on singlehood– Delayed age for marrying– Cohabitation– Divorce

• Advantages: career and personal development; freedom

• Disadvantages: lack of companionship; economic hardships

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Marital Status of the U.S. Population Aged 15 Years and Older, 2011

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Marriage

• The benefits of marriage• Issues and trends in marriage

– Realistic expectations– Feeling good about the personality of your mate– Partners develop friendships with other couples– Communication and conflict resolution– Religious and ethical values– Egalitarian role– Good balance of individual and joint interests

• The role of commitment

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Separation and Divorce

• High rates of divorce… Why?– High expectations for emotional fulfillment and

satisfaction in marriage– Lack of belief in permanence of marriage

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Separation and Divorce

• Process of divorce– Emotional separation is the first step– Physical separation next– Greatest stress-producing event next to the death of

a spouse or family member– Recovery from divorce takes 1–3 years– Other issues

• Effect on children• Remarriage

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Percentage of Separated and Divorced Americans, 2011

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Becoming a Parent

• Birth of a first child is one of the most stressful transitions for any couple– Marital roles tend to become more traditional

• Parenting styles vary – Demandingness– Responsiveness

• Types of parenting styles– Authoritarian– Authoritative– Permissive (or indulgent)– Uninvolved

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Single-Parent Families

• Single-parent families– 27% of all children under 18 live with only one

parent

• Difficulties in single parenting– Economic– Conflicting demands

• Single fatherhood• Children from single-parent families

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Stepfamilies

• Three out of four divorced women and four out of five divorced men will remarry

• If either partner brings children from a previous marriage, the family is blended– Should not be expected to duplicate the emotions

and relationships of a primary family

• Healthy stepfamilies are less cohesive and more adaptable than healthy primary families – Allow for more individual differences

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Successful Families

• Commitment• Appreciation• Communication• Time together• Spiritual wellness• Stress and crisis management

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