innerspace / classdojo communication workshop
TRANSCRIPT
Communication Workshop
Semira RahemtullaApril 26, 2016
Who am I?
Most recently…• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell
Previously…• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire (IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)• UX Designer @ Vividence (Acq by Keynote)• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer
Science
Semira RahemtullaCofounder of InnerSpace
Why am I doing this?
One Big Idea
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #2
IMPACTAssumptions
FeelingsResponses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1Shared
Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Self-Disclosure
Will I be less liked,
respected, influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the
relationship?
Will others use this
information against me?
How will others
see/assess/ judge me?
“What in my ‘bubble’
should I share?”
Self-Disclosure
“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ BROWN
Feedback & Influence
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
Can I give you some feedback?
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response
So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #2
IMPACTAssumptions
FeelingsResponses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1Shared
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behaviorWhen you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on youI feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Stay on your side of the net!
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Sam, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Sam, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Sam, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about what message that might send to others in the room.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…
1. You’re not very approachable.
2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond very well. You’re not very approachable.
3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for asking, even though that time off is important to me. And I’ve noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with questions or requests.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
When you do [x]…
I feel [y == emotion] that / like
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Setup
1. Check in – “Is now a good time?”
2. Soft Start– Do not use praise to buffer criticism (“The Sandwich”)– Do emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
“My intention is…… / This matters to me because…”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Help the other person feel heard– Ask clarifying questions
• Acknowledge your feelings– Manage your own defensiveness: “Affect Labeling”– Disclose your reactions
• Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityEnd with Agreements
• Make requests– What are we going to try / do differently going forward?
• Be specific• Discuss the error case
– What can we do if someone doesn’t do their part of the agreement?
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net:
When you do [x]…
I feel [y]…
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus areaCommunication & Management
– Too much/little– Choice of format– Email etiquette– Language choices,
communication style with others– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this
person? – How do they impact others? – What do they model well? – Anything you worry about? – Arrival/departure times– How they speak/listen/act/dress
Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net ☺