In Sickness and in Health:The Physical Impact of Narcissistic and

Emotional Abuse in Marriage

Presented by David Hawkins, M.B.A., M.S.W., M.A., Ph.D.

July 13, 2021 6:00 – 8:00 PM ET

Our View of MarriageGod created marriage to be a place where we unite our hearts, souls, and

bodies to one who loves us and vows to protect and cherish us

• Marriage is not always a place of protection and safety• Cindy’s story

– Chronic unhappiness and unrelenting stress are debilitating

Not an Unusual Story• I hear stories like Cindy’s with increased frequency• Women are suffering from illnesses such as:

– Chronic Fatigue Syndrome– Fibromyalgia– Lyme’s Disease and other autoimmune disorders– Debilitating anxiety and depression

There is a mind-body connection!• Unrelenting stress, PTSD, and complex PTSD have an impact on physical

well-being

Covert Abuse of Power and Control• Covert abuse is much more subtle and is hidden behind a more

sociable façade

Some of the tactics of the cover abuser of power and control:• Denial• Gaslighting• Stonewalling• Playing the Victim• Anger Issues• Use of Intimidation and Control

Crazymaking• Attempts by the mate of a covert abuser to regain their footing and have a

balanced relationship are futile• The victim is often caught in an ‘emotional quicksand’• Victims feel powerless and hopeless• Victims doubt themselves and pull inward

Emotionally Abusive Marriages• What is it, exactly, that is causing so much stress?

• Unrelenting Conflict

Common characteristics of emotionally abuse, high-conflict couples:• He is locked into oppositional stances• He is frequently angry with her• He has poor conflict-resolution/communication skills• He has poor impulse control• He uses reprisal for talking openly about concerns• He uses blame and fault—finding• He expresses rigidly held beliefs about the other• He offers little insight into his contribution to the problems

Challenges to Diagnostic Considerations?

• It is natural to focus on the couple, not the individual • We focus on interpersonal dynamics, not the intrapersonal ones• We often focus on ‘couple-functioning’ and we lost sight of individual

functioning• We must be mindful of individual functioning to uncover whether

emotional abuse is occurring in the relationship• It might not be a couple’s issue

Stress is the Real Story• Severe stress leads to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and

Complex PTSD• Psychosomatic disorders are usually physical symptoms that mask

emotional distress• Women are more deeply affected by the physical and emotional

effects of stress than men• Relationship stress impacts women in the following areas”

• Increased risk of heart disease• Hair loss• Poor digestion• Irregular periods• Reduced sex drive• Weight loss or gain• Insomnia

Unhealthy Marriage/Unhealthy Body• The body keeps score for what is happening in the mind• Emotional Turmoil• Emotional stress really can kill us• Stress can:

– Elevate blood pressure– Create anxiety– Cause us to feel unhappy

• Feeling unhappy can cause us to cope in destructive ways

Shortchanged• We must do better• This is a silent epidemic

– Fear talking to friends, family, or medical professionals– Tired of complaining– Don’t know how to verbalize secondary abuse

• 60-80% of doctors’ visits are for stress-related complaints• “PTSD puts women at risk for developing physical health problems

because it puts tremendous physical and emotional strain on a person”• Men and women respond differently to stress

Exhaustion, Emotional Quicksand, and Emotional Hangovers

• Women feel exhausted and weary from the endless search for help• Each emotional struggle saps energy from us• Emotional hangover

– Depleted of energy– Depleted of clarity

• Perpetual relationship stress is sure to cause emotional hangovers• Emotional hangovers vs. alcoholic hangovers• There is no easy cure for an emotional hangover• Victims of emotional abuse often feel shame

The Frog in the Kettle• This story can be used as an analogy for emotional abuse• Victims of abuse may perceive danger, but they do not grasp the severity

of it until they have already suffered immensely• The abuse blends into the background of life until it slowly chips away at:

– Safety– Self-worth– Dignity– The vitality of marriage

The Power of Denial• Neither the victim nor the perpetrator really want to see what is going on• Denial protects us while harming us• Denial gives us time to cope• Refusing to face reality will only cause more harm

Resistance to Change• Magical thinking:

– Things will get better soon.– It’s not really that bad.– Every marriage has problems.– It takes two to tango.– I have a lot of blessings.– I’m complaining too much.

• Magical thinking creates a resistance to change• Magical thinking leaves us vulnerable to worse problems• Magical thinking stops us from effective problem-solving• Ending magical thinking requires courage and conviction

A System of Denial

Individuals are in denial|

Churches and communities are in denial|

Nations are in denial|

The entire world denial

Growing Dis-ease• Unrelenting stress has horrific effects• We might not see the impact of this stress for years• The impact of this stress might surface first as unhealthy coping devices

– Overeating– Smoking– Doing drugs– Indulging in alcohol– Gaining weight– Losing too much weight– High blood pressure– Diabetes

Five Signs of a Toxic and Debilitating Relationship

Toxic Relationships by Psychologist Phillip Zimbardo and Counselor Rosemary Sword:1. It seems as though you can’t do anything right2. Everything is about them and never about you3. You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around this person5. You’re not encouraged to grow and change

What You’ve Never Learned About Stress

• Stress is far more complex than we’ve been taught• Myths about stress:

– People respond to stress the same– All stress is the same– Stress strategies work the same for everyone– Symptoms of stress are obvious– We have choices about stress

A Crazy Kind of Stress• Post-Traumatic Stress occurs when we are facing terrifying events, either by

experiencing it or witnessing it• Symptoms:

– Flashbacks– Nightmares– Severe anxiety

• Complex Post-Traumatic Stress results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma

• Symptoms:– Emotional dysregulation– Difficulty with self-perception– Interruptions in consciousness– Difficulty with relationships– Inaccurate perception of one’s perpetrators– Broken system of meanings

The Anger That Fuels Everything• Victims are poked, prodded, and pushed until they explode• Anger is a cry for help, a desperate cry for change• These women don’t want to be angry• They want peace, resolution, and change

Healing Relationships, Mind and Body• The ”glue” that holds two people together:

– Communication– Respect– Caring– Boundaries

• These four things must be reworked into the relationship in order for it to be healthy again

• Without them, it is likely that the marriage will not survive

Considering Intervention• The ‘stages of change’:

– Precontemplation– Contemplation– Preparation– Action– Maintenance– Termination

• To begin this process, there must be a strong conviction that ‘things must change’

• The woman often toggles between stages 2-4• Two steps forward, one step back

Preparing for Resistance1. Name the resistance2. Normalize it3. Teach assertiveness skills in order to face the resistance• Resistance is a natural part of the change process• Understanding they will likely not be supported as they seek dramatic

change

The Power of Conviction• Conviction

– ‘Breakdown that leads to breakthrough’• Inner conviction:

– Leads to clarity– Leads to courage– Leads to taking definite steps of change

Seeking Wisdom• Critical that she seeks wise counsel and support• Why is support so crucial?

– She will face significant challenges– She will doubt herself, again and again– The abuse may increase– She will gain wisdom and confidence from others who understand

these dynamics– She needs a circle of friends she can call upon

The Intervention• The opportunity for change is also an invitation to change• The recipient of the invitation may fully decline the offer• Change is a process• An intervention letter states clearly:

– The impact of his behavior on him, his marriage, and his relationships– Naming his specific behavior– Stating exactly what must change– Directing the path for him to get there

• What must change?

Establishing Boundaries• Boundaries are needed the most to those who resist them• Boundaries are markers of the space between where you end and I begin• The most common mistakes when it comes to the issue of boundaries:

– Failure to define her values– Failure to define her boundaries– Failure to reinforce and monitor boundaries

Emotional Abuse and Boundaries• Boundaries is more personal and powerful when it comes to the topic of

narcissistic and emotional abuse• What are some possible boundaries, clarifying values and the

consequences of violating a boundary?– “I value being treated with respect. If you call me names, I will leave

the house and not return until you have apologized.”– “I value being heard. If you talk over me, I will bring that to your

attention and stop talking until you listen fully to me.”– “I will value being treated kindly. If you treat me unkindly, I’ll remove

myself from your presence.”

Breaking Controlling Powers• Breaking free means teaching her to take the following steps:

1. Acknowledge her right and responsibility to manage her own life2. Recognize when someone attempts to manipulate and control her3. Express her values4. Confront and set boundaries5. Follow through6. Pray

• Setting boundaries is a critical step toward ending emotional abuse

Insisting on Change

How Can We Help

Summary