ignite 2016 kiwifoo, snells beach, new zealand
TRANSCRIPT
HT: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26945340!
Rule #14: Whenever possible, use acronyms
WTF?
#NoOneReadsYourPapersAnyway
Rule #13:
HT:!
Use words with many syllables
supercali/agilisticex3ialidotious much?
#NoOneReadsYourPapersAnyway
!
(It makes you look smart)!
Rule 12:
HT:!
Or simply use a lot of words ….
Why use !‘sea’ when you can use!
‘aquatic saline fish isotonic marine environment’ !
I sea what you did there…..
#NoOneReadsYourPapersAnyway
Rules 12-14:
HT: http://io9.gizmodo.com/this-may-be-the-best-scientific-paper-abstract-ever-wri-729221070!
Clarity is not a virtue
Off with their heads!…..
Rule #11:
#NoOneReadsYourLabNotebookAnyway
Make the data fit your story
CherAies anyone?
(You _do_ get to choose what you publish, don’t you?)!
Rule 10:
HT: http://diabetes.diabetesjournals.org/content/60/1/306.full!
Though we failed to achieve statistical significance to the level of P < 0.05 in the
diabetic group, the near significance (P = 0.06–0.09) for the correlation of [blah blah] suggests
that the relationship [blah blah] is also present in [blah blah].!
You nearly had me there…
#NoOneReadsYourMethodsAnyway
Don’t let statistics get in the way
Rule # 9:
HT: Me!
Hi, Could I look at your unpublished data please?
Exploit your other options
#NoOneReadsYourLabNotebookAnyway
Hello? Hello I am going
through a tHnnel…
Uh, I am _in_ your office!
| unpublished observations | unpublished data | personal communication | manuscript in preparation |!
Rule # 8:
HT: Me!
It’s like yellow submarine all
over again!
Pretty pictures are always better than accurate pictures
#NoOneReadsYourMethodsAnyway
Rule # 7:
HT: http://jcb.rupress.org/content/166/1/11.full!
Photoshop is your friend
#NoOneReadsYourLabNotebookAnyway
I can smell the rat tissue here…
Rule # 6:
HT: http://aob.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2016/02/28/aob.mcw007.long!
You cant handle the details!!!
A gist of what you did is enough
#NoOneReadsYourMethodsAnyway
For dye injection into individual sieve elements, microcapillaries were pulled from borosilicate glass tubes of 1 mm outer and 0·5 mm inner diameter (Harvard Apparatus, Holliston, MA, USA)
with a Sutter Instruments laser puller model P-2000 (Sutter Instruments, Novato, CA, USA). Capillary tips were backfilled with 0·5 μL of rhodamine B (Sigma-Aldrich, St. Louis, MO, USA), a
membrane-impermeant fluorescent dye, and the remainder of the capillary was filled with 50 cSt silicone oil to exclude air. Injection experiments were performed with a custom-built cell
pressure system attached to the Leica DM 2500 microscope. Fluorescence was observed with a Leica N2.1 filter block.!
tip size?!concentration?! catalogue #?!
how much !pressure?!
Resolution?!
Rule #6-11:
HT: http://www.sciencemag.org/site/feature/contribinfo/prep/prep_online.xhtml!
Anyone seen my magOifQing glass?
Methods are really not that important…
(GLAM journals [eg Nature, Science, Cell] do not include methods section in the main body of the
article) !
#NoOneReadsYourMethodsAnyway
Rule # 5:
HT: ME!
Supplementary sections are your friends
Uh?
‘To be accepted for posting, supplementary materials! must be essential !
to the scientific integrity and excellence of the paper.’!
#NoOneReadsYourSupplementaryMaterialsAnyway
HT: http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2015/12/the_best_funny_clever_or_offensive_science_paper_titles.html!
Rule # 4: Craft the title of your paper with love and care
hee hee, uranus, hee hee!
#EveryoneActuallyReadsTheTitle
Rule # 3:
HT: Image CCBY Duncan Hull | https://www.flickr.com/photos/dullhunk/8653757940/!
Publish in the right journal
If I get a second morRgage……
#NoOneReadsYourPaperAnyway