how to sustain your marriage during conflicts

HOW TO SUSTAIN YOUR MARRIAGE

DURING CONFLICTSAll marriages have conflicts. How you handle the conflicts makes the difference in the survival of marriage.

Tuesday, April 11, 2023

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Ephesians 4:15 “God wants us to grow up, to

know the whole truth and tell it in love--like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do”. (MSG)


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Ephesians 4:25 “What this adds up to, then, is

this: no more lies, no more pretence. Tell your neighbour the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.” (MSG)


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Ephesians 4:29 “Watch the way you talk. Let

nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift”. (MSG)


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The goal of marriage is not to think alike but to think together.

Most marriages are destroyed by people not working out their marriages together but working out in different ways.

The way we speak is so crucial to the survival of our marriages.


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I. All marriages have conflicts. A. Your goal should not be to do

away with conflicts but to be careful to work on the problem and not the person.

B. Try to look at conflicts as the door to INTIMACY.

Tackle the problem and not the person.


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II. The proper way to win a conflict in marriage is to be able to attack the PROBLEM and not the PERSON.

Most times we attack each other thus fueling the conflict more as we all have defensive mechanisms.


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Sustaining Your Marriage

Here are several things to consider which could help you successfully sustain your marriage with your companion in the right way.

1. You must understand the difference between a PROBLEM and a FACT OF LIFE.


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A problem is something I can do something about.

A fact of life is something I can do nothing about.

Sometimes we attack a spouse on certain issues in life which are facts and he/she can’t do anything about them.


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2. You must be SPECIFIC concerning the issue at hand.

If you are not specific you will become HISTORICAL.

It is kind of like the fellow who went to the marriage counselor with his wife and said, “Every time my wife and I argue, she becomes HISTORICAL.


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The marriage counselor said, “I think you mean hysterical.”

“No, I mean HISTORICAL. When we argue she tells me everything I have ever done wrong.”

Don’t keep a record of the past failures.


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3. You must never COMPARE. Never compare your mate with

someone else’s mate. “Why can’t you be like Stanley’s wife?” That is really bad

We are all unique personalities.

Again never compare.


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4. You must not EMOTIONALLY block communication.

Here are four communication stoppers.

a. SCREAMERS - Someone who yells during an argument.

b. STREAMERS - Someone who cries during an argument.


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c. STEAMERS - Someone who pouts during an argument.

d. SCHEMERS- Someone who manipulates during an argument.

The above can block the smooth flow of any conflict discussions.


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5. You must never CONDEMN. Do not use words like you

should, you must, you ought, it’s all your fault.

In an argument, if you start with you, it is probably a bad start.

Don’t use an accusing word but be more neutral by saying, it seems to me like.


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6. You must always AVOID LABELS. Whenever you label a mate

negatively it is always destructive.

What are some very bad labels? Did you hear about the husband

that asked his wife how could someone so beautiful be so stupid? She said, “God made me beautiful so you would marry me and made me stupid so I could marry you.”


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7. You should AVOID ABSOLUTES. You should “never” use words

like never or always. Example: You never take do anything

useful to my family. You are never in the home for the

kids.


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8. You must never COMMAND. Do not try to end an

argument by force. Treat your mate like an adult.

Both of you can think independently and come out with an amicable solution to the conflict.


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9. You must agree on the TIMING of the argument.

You should delay an argument: a. When other PEOPLE are

around. b. Before an important MEETING. c. If there is too much ANGER.


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10. You must never CHALLENGE.

Do not threaten your mate if things are not working.

There are basically three common words or ways people are threatened in a marriage:


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a. By money - I will spend it all or not give you any.

b. By sex. c. By divorce or separation.


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11. You must clear the air as soon as POSSIBLE.

Delaying solving the conflict will then bring historical issues back and front.

There will be much hurt. Handle matters that affect your

marriage as soon as possible.Tuesday, April 11, 2023

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12. You must never CONDESCEND.

Do not belittle or ridicule your mate.

Do not play psychologist. Don’t tell your mate why you

know what their problem is.


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13. You must not OVER REACT to the conflict.

Why drop a bomb about a very small matter? When people complicate small matters, the same become very big matters and can cause far fetching reactions or results.


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14. You must position things in life POSITIVELY.

When you handle yourself use your

HEAD. When you handle others use

your HEART.


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15. You must never CONTRADICT. Wait your turn in the discussion.

Do not interrupt. Give each other enough time

to empty themselves without any interruptions.


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16. You must not try to analyze your mate’s MOTIVES.

Motives are very subjective; criticize the action

and not the person.


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17. You must never CONFUSE. Do not bring in an unrelated

subject or an issue. Too often when we are losing

we bring in an unrelated subject.

We try to pull things out of the past to help win in the present.


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18. You must love your spouse more than your OPINION.

Some issues really do not matter.

If a man loves his opinion better than his spouse, then he will defend his opinions and lose the relationship with his wife.


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19. You should follow the 101% principle.

Find the 1% you agree on and give it 100% of your effort.


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20. You must show that you UNDERSTAND the other

person’s position. Repeat or rephrase the other

person’s position.


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21. You must ENCOURAGE a response.

Questions like : What do you think we can do about this issue?


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22. You must be committed to HONESTY and mutual RESPECT.

Honesty will allow the relationship to GROW.

Respect will allow the relationship to LAST.


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23. You must check your own ATTITUDE.

It is not what happens to me but what happens in me that counts. (John Maxwell)


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24. You must provide an ESCAPE HATCH for your spouse.

Don’t push him/her to the corner

Follow the golden rule... “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”


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25. You must ADMIT IT when you are wrong.

Say, “I AM SORRY”. STOP THE FIGHT BEFORE IT

GETS GOING.


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26. You must CLEAN UP THE MESS.

This calls for listening, kindness, and forgiveness. You should never withhold your love from your spouse.

Bury the past. Forgiveness is key here. Amen

and AmenTuesday, April 11, 2023

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27. You must welcome each CONFLICT and make it a GROWING process in your life.

What lessons have both of you learnt from these conflicts?

Conflicts then become stepping stones to sustaining your marriage.


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CONCLUSION

Don’t seek to win a conflict against your companion as this can result in a failed relationship.

Winning a conflict by overcoming a problem can result in a strengthened relationship.

Go for what we call a WIN/WIN ATTITUDE in your marriage conflict. Both of you are winners.


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how to sustain your marriage during conflicts

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