how conflict can build and strengthen relationships dr. frank niles @frankniles frankniles.com...

How Conflict Can Build and Strengthen Relationships

Dr. Frank Niles@frankniles

frankniles.comscholarexecutive.com

NEASHRM Seminar

Conflict is inevitable. How we respond to it is

not.

© 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

Conflict is about relationships:

with ourselves and others.Balancing “me” with “we”


Major Causes of Workplace Conflict

Personality differences Misunderstandings Non-compliance w/ rules Power struggles Competition Anxiety


Here is what you told me about…

Your greatest concerns when handling conflict:

• Hurting the relationship & wanting to remain friends• Being fair & objective• Second guessing yourself• Hating confrontation• Being seen as strong, not timid• Being understood• Staying within legal boundaries• Others accepting responsibility


Here is what you told me about…

What you feel when faced with conflict:

• Anger• Doubt• Embarrassment• Fear (quivering voice)• Frustration • Impatience•Feeling controlled• Want to be understood• Staying within legal boundaries• Others accepting responsibility


Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict

Healthy conflict promotes understanding, refines views, reveals opportunities, promotes understanding, builds trust…strengthens relationships

Unhealthy conflict destroys trust, kills morale, creates power struggles, escalates tensions, creates sides…weakens relationships


Conflict Resolution comes down to this:

How you view and process conflict. Do you see conflict as good or bad? Do you have effective strategies to

process the next conflict?


How Conflict Goes Wrong

• Problems (single events)

• Patterns (reoccurring events)

• Relationships (people working together during events)

We fail to distinguish between:



• Are we taking a fresh look at the facts?

• Do we ruminate on past wounds?

• Are we using our past experience to predict the outcome. “This is how it happened last time.”

Allow past bad experiences to cloud current judgment:



• The “amygdala hijack” – see conflict as a personal threat and we fight, flight, freeze, or fold

• The “lizard brain” (limbic system) takes over and we react rather than respond.

We allow negative emotions to consume us:


How Do You Control the Lizard Brain?

1. Know your triggers

2. Acknowledge your emotions compassionately and without judgment, then re-focus on the present

3. Rename the feeling for what it is

4. Breathe, listen, & learn


• Beat the other side• Avoidance• Quick fix• Negotiation

Ineffective Ways to Resolve Conflict


More Effective Ways to Resolve Conflict

SET the right tone:

1. Support - “I care about you.” “I want to help you feel better.”

2. Empathy - “I can see you’re angry/frustrated about this.”

3. Truth – “You really can’t keep doing/saying _____.”

• Anticipate responses but don’t patronize or manipulate



• Address the issue within 48 hours

• Speak directly to the person and not to someone else about a person’s behavior

• Listen (and learn)…this may be the most powerful conflict resolution tool. People want to be heard. Ask clarifying questions but don’t manipulate.



• Address the issue within 48 hours

• Speak directly to the person and not to someone else about a person’s behavior

• Listen (and learn)…this may be the most powerful conflict resolution tool. People want to be heard

• Objectively try to understand what is behind the other person’s behavior and/or emotions. Do NOT React.



• Focus on the issue not the person. Remind yourself that the problem is the issue or relationship, not the person

• Use “I” statements (for instance, “I feel uncomfortable when you…”)

• Examine your own contribution to the situation then own it

• Identify a goal and let that guide the conversation



• Invite other person to work with you to resolve situation (“What can we do?”)

• If you are the mediator, separate individuals if needed. Hear each side then meet together for resolution.

• Reinforce any positive changes (even small ones) made by the difficult person

• Know what you can and cannot control


What if I feel verbally Attacked?

• Remember: Anger is a secondary emotion. Hurth people hurt.

• While painful, treat verbal attacks as opportunities to clarify where people stand

• Do not react with your own verbal attack….this will position you as a leader in the conflict

• Reframe the exchange by asking what happened to make the other person feel this way

• Then, use the facts, perceptions, and context to bring about a more constructive dialogue


how conflict can build and strengthen relationships dr. frank niles @frankniles frankniles.com...

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