h. norman wright. the ides of march “my family died last week. what we knew as a family for the...

THE GRIEVING PARENT: RESPONDING TO CHILDHOOD DEATHS, DISABILITY OR DISAPPEARANCE

H. Norman Wright

The Ides of March

“My family died last week. What we knew as a family for the past 12 years is gone. It fragmented—fell apart. I thought I had just lost my son, but then it dawned on me. It was both—Ted and the family we had.”

LOSS AND TRAUMA IN THE FAMILY

It’s usually not one person impacted by a death but an entire family unit. Unique problems arise. The balance of the family system is disrupted. What if a family member is terminal?


Each member of the family unit differs in his or her response and even acceptance of the news. Some members will respond well to the needs of the dying person, while others would rather not acknowledge the impending death.


No matter whether you meet with a family of three or four or a group of eight or ten, each one will respond in a unique way, even though they have all been exposed to the same loss.


But have they really been exposed to the same loss? Perhaps, but perhaps not. It could be that you’ve already experienced this in some of your own grief events. Each person’s grief response is affected by numerous factors, and by its DNA. It helps to look at a mourner and realize all that has come into play.

THE FAMILY UNIT

Part of the difficulty will be family differences to the event.

“It doesn’t help to talk about it.” “You can talk about it, but not with me.”“Let’s just move on.” “We’re doing fine, but thanks for

asking.” “If your not sharing feelings you’re not

responding in a healthy way.” “Let’s let others help us.”

FINDING BALANCE AFTER LOSS

Will we continue to participate in the same recreational activities? What new things will we do?

Will we keep going to the same places we used to—or has the meaning changed too much?

Will we still feel comfortable with our family and friends? What things can we do to help develop a new level of comfort?

FINDING BALANCE AFTER LOSS

Will we find it difficult to fit in with other intact families? (Where does a family who lost a child fit in? Where does a family who lost a parent fit in? Now that the divorce is final, where are other divorced families we can connect with?)

Will we stay in the same house, or will we need to downscale or move? What will help make these changes easier on us?

SEVEN CHARACTERISTICS OF THE FAMILY THAT SURVIVES LOSS

1. Surviving families learn from others who’ve made it.

2. Surviving families express their emotions in healthy ways, recognizing that tears are a gift from God and don’t need apology.

3. Surviving families don’t blame one another.

4. Surviving families look for solutions rather than create a war zone of blame.

SEVEN CHARACTERISTICS OF THE FAMILY THAT SURVIVES LOSS

5. Surviving families don’t allow themselves to become bitter, they refuse to live in the past or focus on the “unfairness.”

6. Surviving families resolve their conflicts.

7. Surviving families cultivate a biblical attitude toward life.

Loss of a Child through Death

Sudden or TerminalSudden is a

Crisis or a Trauma

The Normal Crisis and Sudden Loss Pattern

Phase I Phase II Phase III Phase IVImpact Withdrawal/ Adjustment Reconstruction/ Confusion Reconciliation

Emotional Level

Time- Few hours to a Days to weeks Weeks to month Months few days

Response- Should I stay & Intense emotions. You Your positive Hope has returned. face it or withdraw feel drained, anger, thoughts begin Self-confidence

sadness, fear, anxiety returning along builds.depression, rage, guilt. with all the emotions.

Thoughts- Numb, disoriented. Thinking ability You’re now able to Thinking clearer.Insight ability limited. limited. Uncertainty problem solve. and ambiguity.

DirectionYou search for what Bargaining-wishful- You begin looking Progress is evident. you take you lost. thinking. Detachment. for something new attachments are

madeto regain to invest in. to something control significant.

Searching Often reminiscing.Puzzled, unclear. You can now stay You may want to stopBehavior- focused and begin to and evaluate where learn from your you’ve been and

experience. where you’re going.

Loss by infertility Loss by abortion Loss by adoption Loss by stillbirth Loss by SIDS Loss by disability

Loss by disappearance—parent has remarried and

moved thousands of miles away—a parent has remarried and

wants nothing to do with their former spouse’s family

—a child runs awayEach year approximately 800,0000 children are

reported missing in America, including some who are lost, injured, have run away from home or have been abducted, according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, the nation’s clearinghouse of information about mission children.

—a child blatantly disrespects your beliefs and values

Loss of parental values Loss by trauma

5 CRIES IN THE LOSS OF ANY CHILD

“I hurt” – The cry of pain “I want” – The cry of longing “I need” – The cry for supportive love “I don’t understand” – The cry of

“Why?” The cry of “Why?” is the cry of lament

Job teaches us the lesson of grief we will learn from lamenting is that the act of lamenting, protesting, and even accusing God through the prayer of protest is still an act of faith. It’s an appeal to the loving God’s loving-kindness.

Lament keeps the door open, keeps Job on the dance floor with God till the music is over, until the two tunes are resolved. Michael Card, A Sacred Sorrow

5 CRIES IN THE LOSS OF ANY CHILD

“What does it all mean?” A cry for significance

LOSS OF A CHILD

—Death robs us of the present and the future with our child or spouse but it has no grip on the past – which is why our memories are one of our greatest gifts.

You lose – hope, dreams, expectations,

fantasies, wishes and in some cases the end of a family line

LOSS OF A CHILD

You lose part of yourself With the death of your child you feel as

if you have failed Loss of sense of identity

Guilt – most prominent feature for many

LOSS OF A CHILD

Parent grief unlike any other – expect grief to be more intense and last longer than others

1. Problems - “Growing up with your loss.2. How do you mark your life – events and

accomplishments of children. These bring guiltsurges

3. Little social support4. Replacement children

LOSS OF A CHILD

5. Idealize the lost child 6. Over-control with other children 7. Resent – other children haven’t

grieved enough 8. Grief of siblings, grandparents 9. Face in the crowd syndrome

10. Shadow Grief

DEATH OF A CHILD

The death of any child is a monumental assault on your sense of identify. Because you cannot carry out your role of preserving your child, you may experience an oppressive sense of failure, a loss of power and ability, and a deep sense of being violated. Disillusionment, emptiness and insecurity may follow, all of which stem from a diminished sense of self. It’s a loss of a sense of identity.

DEATH OF A CHILD

Guilt the most prominent featureIf accidental – guiltIf genetic or unexplained medical – guilt “I gave her the illness.” cancer Shouldn’t have given aspirin.

SECONDARY LOSSES

—You lost someone who may have taken care of you in the future.—Handling the remarriage of a son or daughter-in-law and they move and you lose your grandchildren.—The significant “date” losses and developmental—graduation, games, proms – we see other children moving on.—Ambiguous and disenfranchised losses

MOTHER’S RESPONSE TO THE DEATH OF A CHILD

For fear of “being judged insane,” as one book put it, most mothers choose not to voice what turns out to be the “very powerful”- and also very normal – urge to steal another mother’s child.

It is also not uncommon to feel bitterness or a sense of injustice when one loses a child. So if you find yourself thinking, “Why me?, Why my child?, Why our family?” you are in good company.


Some parents describe “an irrational sense of self-blame” following the death of a child. We replay the what if’s of our child’s life and death a thousand times a day. Almost always self-blame is misplaced.


Grief over the loss of a child lasts longer than any other kind. It heals more slowly and causes the most monumental disruption for those who survive. This is because a child is part of what psychologists call our internal psychological structure – meaning that in a way part of the parent dies, too.


Most experts believe that loss and helplessness are the greatest tests any human can face. A child’s death is off the charts in both categories.

You may be strong, smart and highly resilient. But nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child.


One reason the loss feels so enormous is that a child’s death violates an implicit generational contract, that our own children will survive us.

A child’s death also challenges the fundamental instinct of parents to protect their child. That is what we are supposed to do, isn’t it? To make the world safe? The feeling that we have failed to do so can haunt us, compounding our sadness.


In an era of medical miracles, we are less culturally conditioned to expect a child’s death than in previous generations. On the contrary, the prevailing assumption is that science and technology can and will work wonders.

Taken from After the Darkest Hour the Sun Will Shine, pp. 108-109

PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

If your marriage was close before, that strength now may be a disadvantage. It makes both of you particularly vulnerable to the feelings of blame and anger that grievers often displace onto those nearest them.

Communication problems often develop in reaction to the grief:

One of you asks the other unanswerable questions, such as why the death occurred.


One of you avoids communicating with the other out of fatigue or for fear it will upset that person.

One of you makes irrational demands, such as asking the other to take away the pain.

One of you makes rational but unrealistic demands, such as requesting that one of you assume all the duties of the other.


Differences in how each of you grieve – Instrumental – Intuitive

Differences also can be expected in other areas of grief:

How you express your feelings—one of you may want to talk about your child, while the other may want to avoid discussing him.


How you carry out your work or daily activities—one of you may find comfort in returning to work, which may provide a respite from your grief, while the other may be overwhelmed by responsibilities that only highlight the loss.

How you relate to things that trigger memories of your child—one of you may want all the photographs to be removed from the home, while the other will want to make sure they are all hanging up.


How you respond to your surviving children—one of you may withdraw from them in an attempt to protect them from your grief, while the other struggles to remain open to them, appropriately share grief, and remain as normal as possible with them.


How you deal with the support of others—one of you may want to attend self-help group meetings, while the other prefers not to discuss your deceased child and avoids all other bereaved parents.


How you cope with your sexual relationship—one of you may be interested in resuming sexual intimacy, while the other may feel uncomfortable and conflicted about having sex.

How you react to socializing and resuming your life—one of you may feel that if you ever enjoy life again you are betraying your child, while the other feels life must go on, and some enjoyment is healthy.


How you search for the meaning of what has happened—one of you may find comfort in religion, while the other may give up former religious beliefs.

What problem areas you experience in grief—one of you may have difficulty in letting out feelings and asking for support, while the other may have difficulty in expressing anger.

(Original Source Unknown)

SIBLING LOSSES

1. Unique for each child – like adults.2. Some feel they have aged 10 years

in 10 minutes.3. A major hole in their life – more time

with the sibling than with parents.4. May feel restricted – may now be an

only child.

What if you are a Stepparent?Single parent?Grandparent?

PHASES OF GRIEVING FOR A DISABLED CHILD

Feelings of Denial Feelings of Anger and Fear Feelings of Confusion Feelings of Powerlessness Feelings of Guilt

Dr. Robert Naseef, a parent of a disabled child, describes a common experience: “For all parents, a child’s birth is a time of great joy and optimism. ‘Your child has a disability’ is one of the most crushing statements that one can ever hear. Your child can be the source of great joy or devastating sorry. No matter whether the disability is mild or sever it crushes you for a while and you probably tend to hope for the best, but imagine the worst.”

Dr. Naseef goes on to say:There are different incidences of odds for each disability, but when it happens to you, it always 100%. You are totally surrounded by your fate, as the father played by Nick Nolte in the movie Lorenzo’s Oil highlighted when he said that he felt like “a loser in the genetic lottery.”

Or what if your child was healthy at first, and then the disease or disorder or accident occurred?

STAGES OF ADJUSTMENT

Disability is never as clear-cut as death. Grief usually mingles with confusion and uncertainty.

Living with a child who has special needs can be like living inside a pressure cooker. The less the child is able to function, the greater stress on every other family member.

Many losses are hard to deal with, but the loss of your child in this way causes mental torment. There is no one right way to grieve

STAGES OF ADJUSTMENT

Dealing with Others’ Negativity Experiencing Traumatic Life Changes Bargaining for a Cure Living with Chronic Sorrow

SIBLINGS

Siblings experience the profound unfairness that is part of their daily life.

Sometimes they find their own possessions taken or destroyed a disabled sibling who is out of control.

Too often when there is a disabled child, no one things about what’s going on and why.

SIBLINGS

Many children hide their distress and have to deal with it year later, in adulthood.

Children raised with a disabled sibling often feel a strong sense of responsibility, either self-imposed or placed there by the parents.

SIBLINGS

Siblings face numerous pressures we don’t even think about. What does a child say to others when asked about a younger brother who just died?

What does a child say to others when asked about a sibling who doesn’t look disabled in any way but is nonverbal.

Sometimes the less severe the impairment, the more difficult it is for the sibling.

LOSSES

I was the father of a son, but I didn’t know what it meant to be the father of a son.

Never being called “Daddy” or “Papa” or any term.

Not having my family name continue. Not playing baseball with Matthew. Not taking him or teaching him to fish.

LOSSES

Not experiencing all the normal developmental stages.

Not having the “father and son talk.” Not hearing him sing. Not seeing him accept the Lord and

grow spiritually. Not being able to baptize him.

WHEN A CHILD IS DISABLED

The disabled are the sign that all men have significance beyond what they can be, and do for us. To see the disabled honestly is to remind us that we cannot earn significance for our lives, it is a gift of God. Christ makes it possible for us to love our disabled brothers in a way radically different from the possessive love that thrives on the need to be needed.

WHEN A CHILD IS DISABLED

To love the weak in Christ is to dare to be free and to be free from dependency on their needs. God wants us to see each other as significant only as we exist in Him. we are each God’s gift to the other.

R. Scott Sullender

Losses in Later Life

BALL OF GRIEF

THE CRAZY FEELINGS OF GRIEF

The “crazy” feelings of grief are actually a sane response to grief. The following examples are all symptoms of normal grief:

distorted thinking patterns, “crazy” and/or

irrational thoughts, fearful thoughts feelings of despair and hopelessness out of control or numbed emotions


changes in sensory perceptions (sight, taste, smell, etc.).

increased irritability may want to talk a lot or not at all memory lags and mental “short-

circuits”


inability to concentrate obsessive focus on the loved one losing track of time increase or decrease of appetite and/or

sexual desire difficulty falling or staying asleep


dreams in which the deceased seems to visit the griever

nightmares in which death themes are repeated

physical illness like the flu, headaches or other maladies

shattered beliefs about life, the world, and even God

SLEEP

When you lie down you shall not be afraid; yes, you shall lie down and your sleep shall be sweet. Be not afraid of sudden terror and strong, nor of the stormy blast or the storm and ruin of the wicked when it comes [for you will be guiltless], For the Lord shall be your confidence, firm and strong, and shall keep you foot from being caught [in a trap or hidden danger].

Proverbs 3:24-26, AMP

SLEEPYou will not be afraid when you go to bed and

you will sleep soundly through the night.

Psalm 3:5, Good News BibleIf I’m sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in

grateful reflection. Psalm 63:6, The Msg

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. Psalm 94:19

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8

SLEEP

In a dream, a vision of the nightWhen sound sleep falls on men,Then He opens the ears of men,And seals their instruction.

(Job 33:15-16).

Dear God,We give thanks for the darkness of the

night where lies the world of dreams. Guide us closer to our dreams so that we may be nourished by them. Give us good dreams and memory of them so that we may carry their poetry and mystery into our daily lives

Grant us deep and restful sleep that we may wake refreshed with strength enough to renew a world grown tired.

We give thanks for the inspiration of stars, the dignity of the moon and the lullabies of crickets and frogs.

Let us restore the night and reclaim it as a sanctuary of peace, where silence shall be music to our hearts and darkness shall throw light upon our souls. Good night. Sweet dreams. Amen Michael Leuing

A Common Prayer

Taken from Talking with Bereaved People by Dodie Graves –

found on Google Images

BAD DAY/GOOD DAY EXERCISE

Bad Day, Good Day exercise. Give your client a piece of paper and a pen, and ask them to divide it into two columns. At the top of the left hand column, write ‘When I have a bad day i…’’ and the top of the right hand column, write “When I have a good day, I…”

BAD DAY, GOOD DAY EXERCISE

Ask them to list as many of the things they experience under each of the headings. You can use these lists to help them think about the ways they manage their bereavement.

BAD DAY, GOOD DAY EXERCISE

You can ask questions like:“What sort of pattern is there to these

‘days’?”“How long in between the ‘days’ do you

find there is?”“What sort of things can send you into a

‘bad day’?”“How do you get out of a ‘bad day’?”

Taken from Dodie Graves, Talking with Bereaved People

WHAT TO DO

1. List the essentials and the non-essentials

2. List what I know how to do and what I don’t

3. Help them handle the advice of others4. Help them handle the holidays5. Explanation letter – Change monthly

or quarterly

EXPLANATION LETTER

Dear Friend (family, pastor, fellow workers…)

Recently I have suffered a devastating loss. I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss

I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time. I don’t apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. They are God’s gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am recovering.

EXPLANATION LETTER

At times you may see me angry for no apparent reason. Sometimes I’m not sure why. All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief. If I don’t always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me. And if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal.

EXPLANATION LETTER

More than anything else I need your understanding and your presence. You don’t always have to know what to say or even say anything if you don’t know how to respond. Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so.

EXPLANATION LETTER

If you have experienced a similar type of loss, please feel free to share it with me. It will help rather than cause me to feel worse. And don’t stop sharing if I begin to cry. It’s all right, and any tears you express as we talk are all right too. This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

EXPLANATION LETTER

But I will survive and eventually recover. I cling to that knowledge, even though there have been times when I didn’t feel it. I know that I will not always feel as I do now. Laughter and joy will emerge once again someday.

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying. Your concern comforts me and is a gift which I will always be thankful.

WHAT TO DO

6. Identify safe people 7. Set up a team of people – Different

each month 8. Handle the feelings9. Help them learn to live “without”10. Develop a new relationshipWhat will you continue do to and what

will change?11. Secondary losses

WHAT TO DO

12. Journals13. A “Letting Go” prayer

h. norman wright. the ides of march “my family died last week. what we knew as a family for the...

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