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ROOTS & FRUITS

WHOLEFOODS & ORGANICS

455 Great Western Rd, Kelvinbridge, G12 8HH

351 Byres Rd, G12 8AU

Fresh Organic Meat, Fruit and Vegetables

Vegan, Wheat-Free & Gluten-Free Products

Fair Trade

Freshly Prepared Delicatessen Food

Body Care

10 % Student Discount with Valid Matriculation

Card

- Open 11am-12pm

- 7 days a week

- Wi-Fi Network

23 Sandyford Place

G3 7NG

(0141) 221 0770

- Free Internet Access

- Large Sky Television

- Private Function Room

8/14/2019 GUM 2005/06 Issue 1

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3

thefashionspank

/noyessix of the best

music

fashion

television

munchies

bile and benson

on football

4

6

12

14

1618

20

22

dancemusicissodeadandburiedthatnoonesevenwritingabout

howitsdeadandburiedanymore:thefirst of three exclusive

reportsonthecurrentstateofclublandbystefmacbeth...

heraldawardwinnerjennymunroonthefairytaleshivers

currentlytraversingtheautumn/wintercatwalks...

thesummersmostoffensivefashionpariahs,

mercilesslyexposedbyGUMsresidentstylequeen,jennymunro...

whatishot,whatisnot,whatisin,whatisout:

youknowyouhearditherefirst...

ashortreviewofsomeofthehottestdestinationsinglasgow

forallyounewarrivals,sograbyourpurse,andletsgetgoing...

widdyonthet.v?youknowitmakessense...

emilyhillontheriseandriseofannwiddecombe...

ms.gullandwhipsoutherutensilsforanotherbakingextravaganza:

supersoup,burstingbakers,mirandasmarquis...mmmmiranda...

seagulls,sardinesandlove?

ashortdiscourseonfootballingpoetics,byjohndonaldson...

pityourwitsagainstthesadladoncemore...

andyoumightevenwinsomethingifyoureextra-speciallucky...

makingenochpowelllooklikeantheaturner,

viciousness,thynameisbenson...

8

5

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jennymunro

Andlo,thesummerendsandwinterisonitsway.Infashion

termsthisisadefinite blessing. Howisitpossibletorelisha

season inwhich onemay beforced towear cheesecloth?

Thissummer,ofcourse,hashadmorethanitsfairshareoffelonies

andsomeheartyspankingsareinorder.

Now,ifIwasntabsolutelysurethatPeteDohertyneversmokedanythingstrongerthanBerkeleyMenthols,Idthink

hedbeensharingsomekindofhallucinogenicsubstance

withhisdelectablebird,KateMoss,whoseonceuntouch-

ablefashionistastatusiscurrentlyonabitofaslide.Since

shackingupwiththelittleurchin,MissMosshasbeenpho-

tographedatGlastobra-less in lurex(notights) inthree

feetofmud,andthen indistinctlynappy-esquehotpants

andwellies:utterlyunpleasant.

LizHurleyhasbeenaskingforachocolateicecreamdisasterall

yearafterhavingadmittedthatshehasapairofwhitejeansforeach

dayoftheweek.JudeLawscurrentfoppishhairstylemakeshim

resembleayoung,fake-bakedBorisJohnsonand,lestweforget,his

belovedSiennacontinuestosqueezethelastgaspsoutoftheboho-

chicmonstershecreated,andislookingdistinctlymarket-stallinTor-

remolinos.Finally,MrsBeckam,lovelything thatshe is,provokedhilarityalloverwhensheworeafishtail ballgown with an enormous

willowpatternalloverit(yes,theplate,seeright),designedbyRob-

ertoCavalli,dresserofabsoluteknobseverywhere.

Well,thanktheLord,theagoniesofsuchasummershouldend

withtheweathertheLochLomondsunburnfades,theblancmange

belliesgobackintohibernation,theresnomoreneedforspending

hoursworkinginacallcentrewherenobodyunderstandstheword

egregious,andthecheeseclothcangobacktoadorning,well,abig

hunkofedam...

thefashionspan

k

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ye

s

hunters.thompsonchic

siennasditchedtheboho,boughtthe

glasses,isstilllookingforthatfloures-

centgolfvisor...startbookinginyour

tonsureandstockinguponacidNOW

tobeintimetobeattheChristmas

rush...itllbelikehavingthegilet

beforeitbecamepasse

alloveragain

thenortonanthology

indispensibleonlyasyourdoor-stop,

whateveryoudothisweek,DONOT

contractthistwovolumelumpofjunk-youlljustbepawningittoafirstyear

forapacketoffags12monthsdownthe

line,thatis,ifyouhaventburntitas

firewoodinthesegruellingsub-zero

climes

/n

o

petedocherty

asthisispurportingtobea

magazineitwouldbecriminalnottomentionhim,some-

where.conclusiveproofthat

thegoodbritishpublicloves

amanalmostpermanently

offhisface,especiallyifhe

happenstobeupper-

middle-classandfey-looking.

aaahhhh...

glasto-luvvies

nowthatgwynniesturning

upinherfloatyscarfand

handingroundthepinenuts

fromherwinnebagowindow,

isntittimeyouinvitedyour

maidenauntdowntherefor

arealgroovytime?coldplay

headlining,kylietributeafter

kyliecancellation...rockon,man,rockon...

neighbours

sheerdramaticgeniusofa

lunchtime,boydhoylandhad

usgrippedallsummer-ster-

oid-munching-coma-waking-

pulsating-young-lothariothat

heis...anexcellentmorality

taleonwhathappensifyou

dropoutofschool

youdothemaths

250:thenumberofjobssir

murirussellproposes

toaxeinamoneysaving

initiativetobalancethe

universitysbooks

(7millionisthe

projectedshortfall

forthisyear)

178,000:sirmuirs

salaryforfindingwaysto

makesuchsavings

215,000,75,000:

sirmuirsannualpension

fromthecivilservicein

lumpsumandannual

payment

11,932:average

startingsalaryforagrade

aresearcher

38,603:average

wageofasenior

lecturer

dressingupasaplate

oi.beckham.noooooo

5

lecturerecturer

dressing up as a plateressing up as a plateoi. beckham. noooooo

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six of the best:freshers destinations

1.culture.....................................................................CCA

Ifyourefeelinginthemoodforabitofculture,headintotownfor

theCCAonSauchiehallStreet,whereyoullfind the very finest of

contemporaryBritishart,withfresh,exuberantexhibitions,freead-missionandagreatartshopsellingallsortsofbeautifulartbooks,

postcardsandposters.TheCCAalsoboastsasmallcinema-the

Scorceseseasonwaslastyearshighlight.RelativelyclosetotheArt

School,theCCAsbustlingcafisfilled to the brimwith young, beau-

tiful,bizarrelyattiredartstudentswithaskewretrohairandunearthly

squints.Lightacherootoutside,growabeard,ripyourtights,and

suckupthatsceneman.

4.club.....................................................................subclub

OK dont get hysterical if theonly flyers youve found in Halls

arefordressingupasanaughtynursewhilstboogyingondownto

sleazeandcheesebyDJPo.YouhaventgotthisfartodancetoaGreasemedleywithawankeredfortyyearoldstapledtoyourinside

leg.Ohno.ThemostobviousdestinationthereforewouldbeSubclub

onJamaicaStreet,whichsetsouttosavenothinglessthanyour

musicalsoul.ItsalsowherethewholeofGlasgowwindsupofaSun-

daynight,forOptimo.Alternativelyifyourmusicalbentdoesntquite

revolvearoundturntables,breaksandrandomblips,headtotheArt

School:forthebestinlivemusic,andworld-classarchitecture.

2.food...............................................................number16

OK,soyoumightwanttojustrememberthisoneforgraduation,

forwhenyourfolksarefeelingparticularlychipper,orforwhenyour

lovedonehasdonesomethingtrulyheinousandneedstomakeup

foritbig-time...butbelieveus,itswellworthkeepinginmind.Atiny

littlebistroatnumber16ByresRoad,thevenueisintimate,thepre-

theatremenuisdeliciousandtheatmosphereadelight.Itis,quite

simply,gourmetheaven,arestauranttomakeevenaFrenchman

covetous.

5.pub......................................................................cottiers

Ifyouwanttofind a bona-fide beer garden, not a2inch patch

ofmud masquerading as grassandbeerextravaganza on a verti-

calslant,thenheaddownHyndlandRoadforCottiers:aconverted

churchwithagreatbigfire in winter and a restaurant in the turret for

sugar-daddydining.Outsidethereisacourtyardadornedwithfairy-

lightsandalargegardenwithrealgreengrass,largebenchesanda

hippytent:likealargebackgardenactually,minusthepinedecking

andthelawnmower.

6.womenswear...............................................ruthvenlane

Ifyoureonthemakeforsomethingsnazzybutcantstretchtothe

UrbanOutfitter price-tag, try Ruthven Lane off Byres Road. Theres

Peppermintfornicknacks,bagsandoffbeatjewellrymadeoutofpins,

plectrumsandpinkplastic,Darling,aquirkyandeclecticboutique,

forbags,beltsandcut-priceItalianlabels(includingMissSixty)-ideal

foranightonthetown,andGloryHoleforthecreamofGlasgows

second-handshopfare.Theresaretroantiquesshopsellingevery-

thingfrompinballmachinestoobscurefurniture.PlustheresStarry,

StarryNight forwhenyoure throwinga cocktail party andwant ablacktasselledflapper dress, faux-emerald dragonfly earrings and a

six-inchciggieholder.Ohyes.

3.menswear....................twistedgeneration&proletariart

The fair-trade-and-fashion-hungry need look no further than

TwistedGenerationsexclusiverangeoft-shirts,designedbyDavid

Gilmour.Atinylittleboxroomontheupperfloor of DeCourcys ar-

cade,TGisfilled with dozens of t-shirts in bright, fresh colours and

Davidbeaveringawayathissewingmachine.Alternatively,ifyoure

wantingat-shirtthatmakesaradicalstatement,thesortofyoung

fellawhosjustabouttorockuptotheFreshersfairtohuntdowna

wall-sizedblackandwhitestillofthedetonationoftheatomicbomb

orabannerwithred-Chesheademblazoneduponit,stop,getdownto95aByresRoadforaProletariartTinstead.Blackpanthers,Lenin,

Trotsky, anti-globalisationharangues,Chris Diamond has it all in

yoursize.

7

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ad ?

Whendiscostartedtoemergeinthe

earlyseventiesthemusicindustrydidnt

knowhowreact.Themajorlabelswerethrownbyhowfacelessthewholethingwas

-noobviousstars,justlotsofsessionmusi-

ciansandsessionsingersrecordingunder

amultitudeofnames.Moreover,toanyone

whounderstoodwhatwashappeninginthe

music,thewholeideaofreducingittopop

songsthatcouldbeplayedoutofcontexton

theradiowasabsurd.Discowasnotjusta

newgenreofpopmusic,itwasanewbreed

ofmusicbecauseitelevatedtheDJbeyondthelevelofeducatedjukebox.

PioneeringNYCDJslikeFrancisGrasso,

DavidMancusoand(later)LarryLevan

weretakingtherecordsandweavingthem

togetherintoawholenightssountrack

-composednotofdifferentiatedsongsbut

ofpassagesofsound,eachflowinginto

thenextwiththebeatremainingconstant.

TheseDJsweretakingsongsandextend-

ingthemintosets-anditwastheentireset,

nottheindividualsongsthatmadedisco

disco.

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Inthelateseventiesdiscoallegedlydied(1978,apparently).

Instead,peoplelikeGiogioMoroderturneddiscoelectric,anddrum

machinesreplacedlivedrummers.Thisopenedupthepossibili-

tiesfortheDJwhocouldnowoverlaytworecordswithouthaving

toworryaboutthefluctuations of a live drummer and seamless

mixingbecamearequiredskill.WhenFrankieKnucklesrelocated

fromNewYorktoChicagointhelateseventiesandopenedupThe

Warehouse,discomorphedintosomethingnewagain.

ItwasntsomuchtherecordsthatDJslikeFrankieKnuckles

andMarshallJeffersonwereplaying(alotofthemwerealready

anthemsinLarryLevansParadiseGarageinNYC)buttheway

theywereplayingthem.Theemphasiswasonthebeatpatternsin

general,andthekickdruminparticular.WhenpeoplelikeFarley

JackmasterFunkstartedsamplingoldPhilidelphiasoulrecords

andputtingtheirdistinctivedrumpatternsoverthetoptomake

thesoundtougherandmorejackin,itwasclearthatanewsound

hadarrived,house,namedaftertheclubwherethesoundwasfirst

heard.Noticeitwasaclub-andnotastudio-wherethesound

wasborn.

Thereasonforthispottedhistorylessonistoillustrate

onekeypoint.House,dancemusic,rave,techno-

whateveryouwanttocallit-cannotbetracedbackto

onerecord,oneartistorevenoneDJbecausedance

musicisaboutthecomingtogetherofallthoseelements.

Andtheplacewherethatcomestogetherisatparties.

Sotheideaofahouserecordinthepopchartsisfundamentally

odd.Butofcourse,whenyougetrecordslikeDerrickMaysStringsOfLifecomingout,itsnotsurprisingthatlargeamountsofpeople

wouldwanttoownitthemselves-especiallyiftheyvehearditas

partofaDJset.Thereareplentyofhouserecords(justlikethere

areplentyofdiscorecords)thatdontneedaDJ-theyworkas

poprecords,too.Whichmusthavecomeasahugerelieftothe

peoplewhohadtomarketthisstuff.Housemusicisfundamentally

faceless,plagiarisedandobsessedwithdrumsandbasslinesrather

thanmelodiesandchorusthatpeoplecanhumalongtointhebath.

Ifeveraphrasevictimofitsownsuccesswasapplicableitisinthestoryhousemusicsrelationshipwithpop.StringsofLifeor

InnerCitysGoodlifeorThomasBangaltarsMusicSoundsBetter

WithYouarephenomenalhouserecords.Thechartsuccessof

suchrecordsmadetheworldsitupandtakenotice.Indeed,inthe

midtolateninetieseveryonewantedapieceofthedancemusic

pie.Andbythistimetheindustryhadfoundsomefacestomarket

allthisfacelessmusic-theDJ.Herethehollywoodversionandthe

grimyindependentversionofthestorypartcompany-well,justabout.

hollywoodversion:

TheDJ,whotraditionallyhadbeenlowerdownthepeckingorder

thantheglasscollector,lappedupthepraise,startedplayingthree

gigsanightandcharging4-figure sums for each, and generally

gettingabitbigforhisboots.Moreover,becausehe(andyesit

wasnearlyallmen)wasbeingpaidsomuchforsolittle,theartof

DJing,ofbringingthecrowdupanddown,holdingthingsbackandbeinginventive,wasratherlost.Ifyoureonlyplayingforacouple

ofpeaktimehoursthenallyouneedisthecrowdpleasers-every

tunemoreimmensethanthelastuntiltheaudiencehasbeen

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suckeddryofeveryemotionimaginable.ThisdemandbytheDJs

foreverlarger(rememberwhenpeopleusedtotalkaboutchoons

-aslarrrrrrge?),moreeuphoricandaffectingrecords,broughtwith

itanewgenreofmusic-tranceandprogressivehousewithits

characteristiclyimmenseandelongatedbreakdowns.

AndforawhileitseemedlikeDJswerethenewGodandclub-

bingthenewreligion.Butyoucantkeepgoingup,up,up.Atsome

pointthingshavetolevelout-andthenwhere?Iftheydreadtheir

Platothentheydhaveknownthatlargeisfundamentallyrelative

-thingsonlyseemlargewhencomparedtosomethingsmaller.

Dynamicsandallthat.Butofcoursetheywerefartoobusybeing

supertothinkaboutthat.Sothepeoplegotbored,realisedthat

theonlybitstheylikedaboutthemusictheywerehearinginthe

Superclubswerethebitsthatsoundedlikesongsand,heypresto!

Theprocesshadgonefullcircle.Songswereback,byebyeMrDJ,

wewontbeneedingyouanymore.

grimy,independentversion:

DJs,producers,promotersandclubberscarriedondoingwhat

theydbeendoingallalong.This,afterall,wastheunderground

andtheundergroundpaysfarlessattentiontowhatshappening

inthemainstreamthanthemainstreamdoestowhatshappening

intheunderground.Oncerecordsbecometoorecognisablemost

seriousDJswouldstartplayingotherlesser-knownrecords,partly

becauseitsmoreinteresting,butalsobecauseofthenatureof

dancemusic.TheDJsjobistomakethecrowddancetoanentire

set,notjustindividualsongs.Andthisemphasisonsetsnotsongs,

meanstheDJ,likeagoodchessplayermustplanafewmoves

ahead,holdthingsback,bringthecrowddown,thenbringthemup

inaslightlydifferentway.

YouhavetohaveaPlanA,aPlanBandaPlanCatleast,

saysDomenicCappello,residentattheSubClubsince1994.You

dontwanttoplayloadsofcheesyrecords,hecontinues,butwhat

happensinanundergroundsceneisthatrecordsbecomepopular

eventhoughtheyrenotcheesyrecordsandthentheybecome

cheesyforaparticularscene.Soyoudontwanttoplaybigtuneafterbigtunetogetpeopleup-youhavetotryandeducateas

wellasinvigorate.AnditispreciselythisthatthesuperstarDJs

stoppeddoing.

Itmaysoundelitist,arroganteven,tosaythataDJsjobisto

educateaswellasinvigoratethecrowd.Indeeditmaysound

paradoxicaltosuggestthatbody-music,asdancemusicis,ought

tostimulatethemind.Butitiswhereallthesuperclubsgotitso

wrong.Bodymusicdoesnotmeanbrainlessmusic,andpeoplewho

wanttodancecanhavemindsoftheirown.AnditistheDJs,thepromoters,theproducersandtheclubbersthatunderstandthatthat

arestilldancing-evenifwevebeenzombified by the mainstream,

thepontificating liberals and the hostile licencing laws.

Housemusicisnomoredeadin2005thandiscowasdeadin

1978regardlessofwhatmainstreamculturalgurusormarketing

typesthink.Forabriefperiodhouserecordsbecamepoprecords,

too.Sowhat?Housemusicsfling with popular culture was at best

funny,atworstugly,butultimatelyprettyirrelevant.Sotheobituar-

iesarealmostright,exceptforonelittlething:theyreconfusingdancemusicwithpopmusic-andweallknowwherethatgetsus.

stefmacbeth

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woodspri

12

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W

egotagroovykindalove...Geoffbellowed,ashestroked

thesteeringwheel.Ooh,yeah,getthatthongoff..he

adlibbedalongtothemusic,justtomakeitamoresexual-

ised,like.PhilCollinswasnothingonGeoff,apulsinglothario,withsixcansofSpecialBrewinthebackseatandadesperatewoman

waitingforhimontheothersideoftown.Hedecidedtotakea

shortcutthroughTinkersWood.Therewasntaclearlydefined road

oranything,butifhehitadeer,hecouldalwaysslingitoverhis

shoulderandpresentitscarcasstoAnnette,hisshirtunbuttoned,

hisflesh dripping with bloody virility. Shed really want it then. So

embroiledwasGeoffinhisthoughts,hefailedtonoticethelarge

oakinthepathofhisMondeo.CRASH!

GeoffwastossedforwardlikeagherkinfromaBigMac,hisheadconnectingwiththewindcreen,butfortunatelysavedfrom

shatteringbyhisinchthickNewYorkNickscapandFububandana

underneath(fordaysoff).Stumblingfromthevehicle,hesurveyed

thedamage.Shit,thewindscreenwasasfuckedasthatbirdfrom

Bootlehedhadinthebackseatlastnight.Hepulledhisphonefrom

hispocket.Nocredit.Whyhadhewastedallhismoneysendinghis

dadthatAbiTitmussvideo?

Then,outofthecornerofhiseyehesawawoman,leaning

againstatree.Shehadmassesofblackhair,sheworealacyfrock,

ascabbywoolblousonjacketandhugemuddyboots.

Oi!WutheringHeights!heshouted,Yougotaphone?She

ignoredhim,soGeoffmovedcloser.Hesuddenlynoticedthefag

hangingfromherlips.AtleastgiveusoneofyourMayfairsthen?

Noreaction.Geoffwasgettingangry.Andsweaty.Sohestormed

towardsherandstoodfirmly in front of her. Listen up, Babooshka,

myMondeoisfuckedupoverthere,andIaskyouforhelp,perfect

gentandall..

Hershadowyblackeyesburnedintohisandhecouldnotspeak.

Herskinwasgreyish.Hefeltcold,suddenly,andabittinglyasifhedjustpoppedhalfapill.Thestrangertookhishand,diggingher

long,dirtynailsintohispalm.

Listen,love,I-Ivegotabird,sortof.ShescalledAnnetteand

sheswellfit-. But Geoff could no longer speak. His eyes wide and

empty,hefollwedthegirldeepintothetrees,andthenightechoed

withthesoundofPhilCollinssingingAgainstAllOddstoanemptyFordMondeo...

Ifdesignerswrotecollectivefairytalesfortheirautumn/wintercol-

lections,LondonsReadytoWearcollectionsmighthavesounded

somethingliketheballadofGeoffandhisFordMondeo,withgutsy,

unearthly,distinctlyBritishideasarisingeverywhere.Onestrong

trendonthecatwalkswasthewoodsprite-with-a-faglook,consisting

indiaphanousdressesandspiderwebpatternsmixedwithheavy

blackeyelinerandhugeblackwalkingboots.TracyBoydsphoto-

shoot(seeleft)featuredaghostlyblondeindaintyflapper frocksandfilthy riding boots, conjuring up images of murdered beauties

hauntingwoods,riversandleafySheffield train stations.

ThenaturalthemecontinuedwithFrostFrenchsbeautifulcrea-

tions,includingjumperswithimagesofdeerknittedintothemand

fragile,fairylikeskirts.ItsallveryAlisonGoldfrapp,whosefixation

withlipstick,wolvesandwelliesisverynowindeed,andwhosefirst

album,thesnowandsex-obsessedFeltMountain,wouldbethe

perfectdressingupsoundtrackforthislook,aswouldAForestby

theCureoranythingbyQueenKateofBush.

Thelookisoutdoorsy,glamorousandsomewhat

hazardous...see,youmusttrynottoenduplookinglike

theLeagueofGentlemensTubbs,inherslipandpinny,

andadeadmansTimberlandboots.

Amissionforthesatoriallysublimeifevertherewasone.

jennymunro

e-

with-

a-

fag

13

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14

14 COMMENTARY TheDailyVile,Doomsday,September33rd,2005

the bilewithalexbensonwhat must be done:

Thewaythatthelowerordershave

beenconductingthemselvesrecently

hasexercisedmetoararedegree.

Thoseshitsoftendo.AndbeforeIstartIknowwhatyoureallthinking;layoffthem

Benson,weallknowtheyreastuntedslack-

brainedsub-groupofawider,non-function-

ingsocialorderbutitill-behovestherestof

ustowastewhatlittlesanitywemighthave

leftrailingagainstthemintothewindlike

Learontheheath.Leavethemalone,dear,

dearboyandcomeinfromthestorm,for

agillofciderandtolistentoSparrowby

SimonandGarfunkel.

IvejustcomebackfromsomeSerbians

gardenpartyinNorfolk,Iwasassickasa

dogandsnoggedatwelveyearoldafter

doingfourteendog-legsofBolivianmarch-

ingpowderwiththeracingtipsterfromthe

Bugle.IcantrememberitbutChizTopp

saysthatIpushedheroffmewithsome

forceandwalkedstraightintoatentpole

ThenextmorningIhadjustopenedmydrink-soddenfaceforbusinessandwas

calmlypokingaroundthebackofmyskull

withaspoontoexploreingreaterdepththe

braintumourIseemedtohavedeveloped

throughouttheafternoonwhenacaustic

glareoutthewindowrevealedthatthe

Volvohadtakenabatteringonthedrivehome.Iwashopping.Itlookedasthough

afamilyofgorillashadattackeditwith

lumphammers,thoughIsuspectImayjust

havehitthecowthatwaslyingontheroof

(dented,mightIadd).

InthisdarkenedmoodIsatdownto

completeabalanced,sympathetic

treatmentofthehousingproblems

facinglowerincomefamiliesintheNorthEast,commisionedbysome

lispingfartattheGuardian.

TwentyminuteslaterIwasoutsidewitha

puttergivingthecowcorpsesixofthebest,

thearticlerippedtoshredsanddousedin

petrolandburned,burned,burned.This

isbecause,dearreader,Isimplycannot

standthoselurchingbastardjobless.Since

thischavhoo-hahhasbeenpastedovereverynewspaper,televisionprogramme

andmagazineIglanceintowheneverIneed

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15

benson@bayingforblood.com

the chav phenomenon

todilutetheday-to-dayvulgarityofthereal

worldIhavehadmyfill of them.

Timewas,agentlemancouldrelaxin

hisclubwithhisTimesandonlyneedhearaboutfavourabletradeagreements,orare-

laxingwar.Nowwehavethisdeluge,these

rotten,profanetalesofbrawlingandspitting

andrutting,witheveryglad-handedtrainee

journalistsimpletonclamouringtoaddtheir

ownsquawktothemelee.Itislikebearing

witnesstoapeculiarlyhorrific cross-sec-

tionalwormfarm,onlydisplayinghumanoid

maggots.

Ofcourse,Iwishthatthisonlyappliedtothemedia.Thetroubleisthat,contraryto

popularopinion,theworldisgettingworse.

Ashorttripintotownwillonlyconfirmwhat

dreadsuspicionlurksinthebelly.Bovine

mottledflesh, trussed up in garish, budget

polyester;gurningandheavingatthelice-

likeoffspringfoamingattheirelephantine

knees.Toothless,hirsutemawscrammed

full-to-burstingwithabbatoiroffcutsand

Armageddon-strengthtobacco.Languagethatwouldmakeapiratecry.Oneshortfact-

finding trip to the local shopping centre, and

allIcoulddowaskneeldownandweepfor

myfellowman.

AsdarknessfellIwandered,dazed,

throughthetowncentreandsawaherdofrottweillersthathadobviouslyeatensome

fermentingapplesandlearnedtowalkon

theirhindlegs.Regrettablecloserinspec-

tionrevealedahennight.Outsidedives,

knockingoutcongealedroadkill,ogrish

menandboysfoughtasiftherewere

somethingatstake.Hooligansbelched.I

stampedblindlythroughpuddlesofurine,

wishingmynotebookweremymauserpistol

-eveniftherewereonlyonebulletleft.

Thereareestablishmentsthatcaterfor

thesepeople,whokeeptheiralcoholcheap-

erbyonlybuyingexpiredstock.Everydrink

israncidandburnstheeyesandthroat.

Theydontrememberathing.Violenceis

anacceptedmeansofdiscourse.Youmay

notknowwhattheotherchapmeans,butit

hardlymatterswhenyoudontknowwhat

youreonaboutyourself.Younggirlswhelp

andtosstheiroffspringfromtowerblockwindows.Laughing.

Theirpropensityforbreedingisofcourse

theirgreatestweaponintheircontinuingwar

againstcivilisation.Mysolutiontothewhole

nightmarishproblemistoshoveallthe

yowlinglarvaeinabigfuckingblender,andanybackwarddivotsow-cowwhoexpress-

esadesiretohavechildrenbeforetheage

of11willhavetodrinkapintoftheresultant

mutagenicmuckinsteadofattendingthose

ineffectualsexeducationlessons.

Asthevaliumswearoff,Iseewithcrystal

claritythatthisisasituationweasanation

mustaddress.IfwecarryonlikethisIm

goingtosealtheatticclosedandspendthe

restofmydaysreadingParadiseLostinthechinksoflightcomingthroughthegaps

intherooftiles.

Morepowerstopolicemen,batons

forteachersandrevolversfor

midwives:Itsnoteugenics;its

commonbloodysense.

Ihavetoldthesecretaryofmyfanclubtoforwardanyangrymissivestothebonfire.

Asfortherestofyou,youcanallfuckoff.

COMMENTARY 15

of benson

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widdecombe

rules, ok?T

hethrillsandspillssprintmarathonthatistheToryleader-

shipracecontinuesapace.Theancientandfatcandidate,

KennethfattyClarkeseemstobelaggingbehindsomewhat,

perhapsduetohisgirth,butsurelyimpededbythefactthatinterest-

ingpoliticalhatsandcigarpuffing died the death with Churchill in

1965.DavidDavis,bornonahousingstate,isprincipallycelebrated

forhisagilityatscalingAlanClarkesbattlementsin1991,butis

otherwise,surelytheonlypoliticianofmoderntimeswhocanmake

GordonBrownappearchipperandupforalaff.Lastlythereis

DavidCameron,who,althougharampanttoffandOld-Etonian,is

thoughtthebestbetinthebattletoappealtotheaverageBriton,byvirtueofhisyouth,vigourandwinningsmirk.Itseemsdoubtful

whetheranyofthemcouldharbourahopeinhellofwinningthe

nextelection.

ItshouldbeclearbynowthattheTorypartyare,asusual,bang-

ingonthewrongdrum.Thepartyistootroubledforanordinary

mortaltogovern,theprospectivecandidatestooanonymousto

thwartthestalwartapathyoftheBritishpublic.Indecidingthemost

appropriateleader,theToriesmustconfrontthisduality:theyneed

someonewithundeniablemoralfibre, someone who looks goodinfrontofthecameras,whocharmsthemedia,andthusBritain

itself.Thisleavesonlyonepossiblecandidate:AnnWiddecombe.A

politiciannotafraidtobephotographedwithadalek.Yes,onrecent

form,itmustbeWiddecombe:pensionableCatholicvirgin,bouffant

blonde,andcarerfortheaverageBriton.

Widdecombehasmostrecentlycometothenationsatten-

tionthroughherstar-vehicleBBC2televisionprogramme,Ann

WiddecombetotheRescue.Thosewhowerefortunateenoughto

catchthistelevisualtour-de-force,musthavesattheirwondering,open-mouthed,inaliving-roomstupor:isthereanythingthiswoman

cantdo?WithagreatdealmorenaturalcharismathanBruceFor-

sythandnothingmorethanasuccessionofluridoutfits to sustain

her,wewatchedMs.Widdecombetrampingaroundthecountry

botheringtoconcernherselfwiththeissuesgrippingthecommonor

gardenworkingman.

Letustakejustonethirdofoneepisode,toillustratethepoint,

thatWiddecombecanperformfeatsMoses-likeintheirefficacy.

MeetingamaninDagenhamwhohadbeenonemploymentbenefit

sinceheslippedadiscintheearly1990sandwhogotthrough,on

average,48codeinepillsaday,plus24supermarketpainkillers

andtwocansofstrongciderpernight(plusanti-despressants).

Widdecombedictatedherpearlsofwisdom:Pearl1:youreluckytohaveanystomachliningleft.Pearl2:youvegottodealwith

it.Atthispoint,theaudiencemusthavewonderedwhatonearth

wasthepointoftheprogramme,theredidnotseemmuchhope

thatachangewasgoingtocomeifthiswasthesum-totalofWid-

decombesproblemsolvingmethod.Thereisneveragreatdeal

ofimaginationintellingsomeonenottodowhattheyknowthey

shouldntbedoing.

Afterdispensingthesestrictures,Widdecombepromptlyleaves

Dagenham,inpastelgreenwithgiantcostumeearrings,tosortoutCheltenham,inpalebluewithflower pattern, and is then on to

Walthamstowinvictorypinktoforcetheunemployableyouthback

intowagedwork.OnlythendoesshescuttlebacktoDagenham

toseehowwellMr.CodeineStrong-Ciderisheedingheradvice

andmendinghiserrantways.Miraculously,heiswellontheroad

torecovery.Withsheerdeterminationandthehelpofhisdoctor,

heislimitinghisCodeineintaketohismedicalprescriptionandnot

makinghiswifescurryofftoscoremoreoffsomeyoungpunkina

bikerjacketintheshortwindowbetweenCoronationStreetandThe

Bill.SuchmiracleworkinghassurelynotbeensinceAD33.AndeveryoneknowsitsonlyamiraclethatwillrestoretheTorypartyto

powerwithinourbrieflifespan.SowritetoyourlocalToryassocia-

tion.Helpthem,helpyou:VoteWiddecombe.

17

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18

miranda bakesC

ookingisnowaninevitability,sowhy

notmakeitanadventurousone:Haveafewfriendsoverfordinner,

addafewbottlesofwineandIguarantee

agoodnightahead;especiallyifyouall

contributetothecookingandbaking.

Thismenuisfairlyadaptable,andthe

recipesarenutritious,filling, easy and

cheap.Well,withtheexceptionofthe

marquis...whichissumptuousnesspersoni-

fied. So why not go for it, and try somethingnew...

leekandpotatosoup

1 leek,slicedanddiced

1 potato

onion(ortwosmallshallots

forasweetertaste)

425ml ofchicken/vegetablestock

130ml milk

25g butter

2tbs parsley

Inafairlylargepansautthevegeta-

blesinthebutteruntileverythingiscoated.

Coverthepanandleaveforfifteenminutes

untilthevegetableshavereleasedtheir

juicesandaresofttostir.

Simplyaddthestockandmilkandslowly

bringtoaboil,stirringsothatthebottomof

thepandoesnotburn.Oncesimmering,

reducetheheatandreplacethelidand

leaveforafurthertwentyminutesuntilthe

vegetablesarecookedthroughandsoft.

Thiswillproduceathickandlumpysoup,

whichcanbethinnedbyblendinginafood

processororsifted.Forabitofluxury,add4tablespoonsofcreamoryogurtintoyour

bowljustbeforeserving.Garnishwithfresh

parsley.

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burstingbakers

Theseingredientstendtolurkunnoticedincupboardsand

fridges,andwillprovideahealthyandfilling dinner. Indeed, you

canchangeanyoftheingredientsapartfromthecondensedsoup

whichisnecessarytobindtheingredientsandflavour together.

Nonetheless,youcanchoosefromawidevarietyofflavours. Ad-

ditionalingredientsmightincludecrushedgarlicandcoriander;ora

choppedvinetomatoandatinoftuna:thepossibilitiesareendless,

enjoyexperimenting!

1 largebakingpotato1 canCondensedCampbellsSoup

smalltinSweetCorn

2tbs choppedpeppers(uncooked)

choppedredonion

gratedcheesetosprinkle

Bakeapotato,withaskewerthroughthemiddlesothatitcooks

quicklyafterjustanhour.Removefromtheovenwithgloves.Keep

theovenon.Slicethelongsideofthepotatoheadoff,asyouwoulddotoaboiledegg.Scopeoutalloftheinsidepotatointoabowl

andadd1uncookedcanofCampbellsCondensedSoup(chicken

isverygood,butthechoiceisyours)withhalfasmalltinofsweet

corn,anychoppedpeppers,andsomeredonion.Mixthoroughly,

butdonotmash-youwanttoretainachunkytexture.

Scoopthecombinationbackintothepotatoshell.Themixture

willoverflow the shell slightly, and will go crunchy upon further cook-

ing.Topreventthis,andtoaddadditionalflavour and naughtiness,

sprinklesomegratedcheeseontopbeforeplacingthedishonabakingtrayandslidingbackintotheovenforafurthertenminutes.

Meanwhileprepareamixedsaladontheside,orsimplysome

slicedtomatoesandlayeredbasilwhichiswellseasoned.

19

mirandasmarquis

Sincethiscakeisburstingwithflavour and richness you need

cutonlyslimslicesandsothecakecatersforlotsofhungrymouths.

Therecipeisfairlybasic,consideringtheluxuriousvisionandtaste

itproduces.Thematchstickmintsarenotwhollynecessary,and

thoughanextracost,theyaddacrispandcomplimentaryedge;the

meltedchocolateisalsoagoodtouch,butagain,notapriority-itis

avisualflourish rather than a taste-necessity!

500g belgianplainchocolate

(thesainsburysvarietybeingthebest)

125g butter

30g castersugar(finer than the granulated variety)

4 eggs

1tbs plainflour

3/4 boxofmintchocolateMatchsticks

1 smallpacketofwhiteNestlebuttons

Lineaspringformtinwithnon-stickbakingpaperandheatthe

oventoGasMark8.Meltthechocolate,halfofthebutterandhalfofthesugarinaglassbowloverapanofsimmeringwater.

Inaseparatebowlbeattheeggsandleftoversugaruntilthe

colourbecomespaler.Nowslowlywhiskintheflour. To this batter

youshouldaddtheslightlycooledchocolatemixtureandwhiskvery

gentlyuntilthemixtureiscombined.Breakthechocolatemintswith

aknifeandrunthroughthemixture.Pourthisirresistiblemixture

intoyourpreparedtinandbakeintheovenforonly12minutesand

nomore!(Itwillstillwigglealittle).

Runaknifebetweenthecakeandthetinafterithasbeen

cookedandthenquicklyputthetinandcakeintothefreezerfor

atleasttwohours.Ifyouleavethecakeinforamoresubstantial

amountoftime,allowthecaketodefrostforanhourbeforeserving.

Nearingservingtime,meltthewhitechocolateinabowlandthen

runaforkthroughit.Patternthecakebyshakingthecoveredfork

overthetopofthemarquis,andrepeatinguntilthedesiredeffectis

createdinanyfashionyouwish!Putthecakeintoafridgetoharden

thenewlyappliedchocolate(twentyminutesshouldbeenough).

Thecakeserveswellwithfruit,yoghurt,icecreamorsimplyon

itsown!

mmm...

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seagulls, sardiW

henEricCantonautteredhisfamousaphorismwhenthe

seagullsfollowthetrawler,itsbecausetheythinksardines

willbethrownintotheseaitwasmetbyconfusionfromthe

assembledpress,andisoftenseenaslittlemorethanidlewordplay

fromanenigmaticFrenchman.

Intendedasaverbalswipeattherapaciousmediapack(Eric=

thetrawler,thepress=theseagulls)itis,also,aperfectmetaphorfor

theworldof football.Considerjusttwoofthesportsnumerousex-

amplesofextravagantandprofligate waste: the transfer of Brazilian

defenderRafaelScheidtfromGremiotoCelticfor4.8min1999,and

StanCollymores7mmovetoVillafromLiverpoolin1997.

TheunfortunatelynamedBrazilianhadbeenboughtbyCeltics

newlyappointeddreamteamofJohnBarnesandKennyDalgliesh

onthebasisofhistwocapsforBrazil,andsomevideofootage.Hemadeatotalofthreeappearancesfortheclubbecause,asone

teammateput it, hecouldnaetrapa bag ofcement- sittingout

mostofhisfouryearcontractonloaninhishomeland;beforeleav-

ingfornothing.Itisunclearexactlywhereallthesardinesendedup,

butrumoursaboundedthatthegoodshipCeltichadbeenthelosers

ina Latinscam:agents givingbackhandersto the rightpeoplein

theBrazilianfootballinghierarchysothatplayerswouldgetcapsin

meaninglessinternationalfriendlies,enablingthemtolandinflated,

bigmoneymovesabroad.

IntheCollymoreexample,he,asapposedtotheclub,playsthe

roleof thetrawler.Villaobviouslythought thattheirpursuitofMr.

flatter-to-deceive would reap rewards, but he ploughed onwards on

hiscourseofperpetualdisappointment,beingsoldtoLeicestertwo

yearslaterfor500,000afterapaltry7goalsin45leagueappear-

ances.

TheseexamplesofimproprietywouldnodoubtmakeBillShankly

turninhisgrave.Itwashe,afterall,whosaidofthebeautifulgame,

traintherightway.Helpeachother.Itsaformofsocialismwithout

thepolitics.ShanklyandCantonamaysharesomecommonground;

thelattersallegoryscornstheexploitative,parasiticaspectsof the

moderngame,onecanwellimagineShanklynoddinginagreement.

Theparallelscontinue.

Thoseplayerswhogetlostinthewakeoffootball,whetherdue

tochoice,injury,age,orincompetence,eithersink intoanonymity

orfind the attention of another flock. Some of the more interesting

casesincludeEastFifesHenryMcleishwhowentonto lead theLabourPartytopowerinScotland.Also,theacidtonguedGordon

RamseystartedhisprofessionallifeonthebooksofRangers;and

JulioIglesias,famously,wasagoalkeeperatRealMadrid.Whether

hetookastepupordownafterleavingtheBernabauisamatterfor

debate.

Butmostpeculiarofallistheunlikelytaleoftheex-Southampton

playerCBFrywho,in1920,wasofferedthethroneofAlbania.Fry,

whohadalsocarvedoutacareerasanovelist,journalistandgeneral

friendofthepoliticalleft,onlyturneddowntheofferbecausehedidntfeel thathehadenoughmoneyforsucha regalappointment.He

wasofferedtheroleasaresultofpost-GreatWarEuropeanpolitics,

andhisdecisiontonotstepintosuchacauldronwasasensibleone.

Thattroubledregioncontinuedtoliveuptoitsnamewhen,in1928,

thecountrysformerPrimeMinisterseizedpowerandwascrowned,

wouldyoubelieve,KingZogI.

TherecentlycrownedkingofStamfordBridge,JoseMourinho,

hashisownmetaphorforthetrialsofthegametorivalCantonas

cuttingimage.Whenaskedhowhismanicuredathletesshouldcope

withhisrotationpolicy,hereplieditsallaboutLove.Ifyourenotin

lovewithyourwife,yougetdivorced.Ifyourenotinlovewithyour

kids,youarenotahumanbeing.Youshouldkillyourself.Ifyourenot

inlovewithyourjob,leave.

So,whetheryoufit the role of a trawler, a sardine, a seagull, or

subscribeto Mourinhosamorousphilosophy,youmaywell agree

withanotherfootballingpoet,SirAlexFerguson,whoprettymuch

summeditallupwhenheutteredtheeternallines:Football.Bloody

Hell.

johndonaldson

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es and love

8/14/2019 GUM 2005/06 Issue 1

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1. In Roald Dahls Charlie and the Chocolate. In Roald Dahls Charlie and the ChocolateFactory, a girl who is spoilt by her parentsFactory, a girl who is spoilt by her parents

Wharton, describing the frustrated love ofWharton, describing the frustrated love ofa New York lawyer for the separated wifea New York lawyer for the separated wife10. --- McEwan: Booker-prize winning author0. --- McEwan: Booker-prize winning author

16. A state of exalted delight, joy, rapture (7)6. A state of exalted delight, joy, rapture (7)18. See 13 Down

1. Evelyn Waugh novel adapted for the film. Evelyn Waugh novel adapted for the film

which has a pointed muzzle, long-tail andwhich has a pointed muzzle, long-tail and

Franciscans, born in 1182 and canonisedFranciscans, born in 1182 and canonised6. According to Milton, the capital of hell (11). According to Milton, the capital of hell (11)9. Tragedy by Sophocles which centres on. Tragedy by Sophocles which centres onthe doomed daughter of Oedipus by his

The ---- -/--/---/-----------: One seventh ofThe ---- -/--/---/-----------: One seventh ofall that happens when Edmund and Lucyall that happens when Edmund and Lucymouse (6,2,3,11)mouse (6,2,3,11)14.4. an expression of disgustn expression of disgust oming rare)ming rare)

22

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gum2005/6

editor: emilyhill

deputyeditor: mirandagulland

fashioneditor: jennymunro

foodeditor: mirandagulland

musiceditor: stefmacbethsatiricaleditor: alexbenson

sportseditor: johndonaldson

webcommander: tobymills

artwork: jennymunro

design: emilyhill

photographs: gordonlundie

printedbytangerinedesignandprint

manythanks...

tobymills,forgettingthegumweb

extravaganzaupandrunning,lisahill,for

hoursspenttryingtofix duff computer,

shonamorrisonforherskillsinVP-dom,

jamesattangerine,mrgulland,kenand

paulinehillforhelpattheeleventhhour

(again)&,mostespecially,kristina

gostevskayaforadviceondesignand

savingthesummer...

contactgum:

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write: GUM

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Togetyourselfplustwoof

yourmatesontheallimportantguestlistanswerthefollowing

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