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The Good Grief Guide ©Michele Benyo, 2016 www.siblingsbyheart.com The Good Grief Guide 3 Simple First Steps for Parents and Other Caring Adults who want to help a hurting child heal Michele Benyo As a parent, it's my responsibility to equip my child to do this – to grieve when grief is necessary and to realize that life is still profoundly beautiful and worth living despite the fact that we inevitably lose one another and that life ends . . . - Sam Harris

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Page 1: Good Grief Guide 2016

TheGoodGriefGuide©MicheleBenyo,2016 www.siblingsbyheart.com

TheGoodGriefGuide

3SimpleFirstSteps

forParentsandOtherCaringAdults

whowanttohelpahurtingchildheal

MicheleBenyo

Asaparent,it'smyresponsibilitytoequipmychildtodothis–togrievewhengriefisnecessaryandtorealizethatlifeisstill

profoundlybeautifulandworthlivingdespitethefactthatweinevitablyloseoneanotherandthatlifeends...

-SamHarris

Page 2: Good Grief Guide 2016

TheGoodGriefGuide©MicheleBenyo,2016 www.siblingsbyheart.com

TheTruthaboutGriefGriefhurts!It’snowonderthatasacaringparentyouwanttomakeyourgrievingchildfeelbetterasquicklyaspossible.Griefiswidelyregardedassomethingtobeavoided.Yetgriefisimpossibletoavoid.It’sthenatural,normalreactiontolossofanykind—notjustlossthroughdeath,butalsodivorceortheendofanysignificantrelationship,movingorlossoffriendsandfamiliarity,lossofemploymentorhealth,andmanyotherlosses.Everysinglepersonexperienceslossandgriefmanytimesintheirlifetime,andeverypersonhastheirfirstgriefexperienceinchildhood.Painfulasitis,there'sapurposeforgrief.Itcanteachuspreciouslessonsaboutwhatitmeanstobehumanandhowtocopewellwithlife’schallenges.Whenweallowourselvestofeelgriefandgothroughit,itcanbegoodgrief.Goodgriefbringshealingandgrowth.Throughtheirchildhoodgriefexperienceschildrenlearnhowtocopewithfuturelifeevents—forbetterorforworse.Thethingsadultsteacharethethingstheylearnedwhentheyweregrowingup.Notknowinganydifferently,manyparentsmodelandpassontotheirchildrenunhelpfulresponsestogrief.Anyparentcangivetheirchildthegiftofgoodgrief.Butfirstitmaybenecessarytounlearnwhattheylearnedaboutgriefasachild.Withaccurateinformationyoucanbegintobuildthefoundationforgoodgriefexperiences.Threesimplestepspresentedinthisguidewillhelpyouexaminewhatyoubelieveaboutgrief,discovermisconceptionsyoumayhaveaboutgrief,andadaptyourresponsestolossinwaysthatwillhelpyourgrievingchildheal.

Step1:Becomeawareofthebeliefsandattitudesthatinfluencehowyourespondtoyourgrievingchild.Somequestionstoconsiderarelistedbelow.

• Doyoutrytoavoidunpleasantfeelingsofsadnessoremotionalpainbyignoringordenyingthem?Ordoyouacknowledgepainfulemotionsasveryrealandvalid?

• Doesitmakeyouuncomfortableandperhapsevenanxioustobearoundsomeonewhoisgrieving?Orareyouinclinedtooffercomfortandsupporttothegrieving?

• Doyoubelievethatavoidingorbypassingnegativefeelingsisagoodthingtodo?Ordoyoubelievethatitisbettertorecognizeandallownegativeandpainfulfeelings?

• Doyoubelievethatitisyourjobasaparenttosootheandprotectyourchildindifficultcircumstances?Ordoyouapproachdifficultcircumstanceswithcaringandsupportthatteachyourchildtofaceandcopewithlife’schallenges?

• Doyoutendtotrytofixanunpleasantfeelingorsituationthatyourchildisexperiencing?Ordoyoutendtoempathizeandacknowledgeyourchild’sfeelings?

• Doyoubelieveit’sbestnottotalktochildrenaboutdifficultthingsthatareaffectingthem?Ordoyoubelieveit’simportantforchildrentohavetheopportunitytotalkabouthardthings?

• Doyoubelievethateveryoneshouldbeabletogetovergrieffairlyquickly?Ordoyoubelievethateachpersongrievesinhisorherownwayandtiming?

Page 3: Good Grief Guide 2016

TheGoodGriefGuide©MicheleBenyo,2016 www.siblingsbyheart.com

Awarenessofyourbeliefsandattitudesisthefirststeptowardrecognizingandunderstandinghowyourespondtogrief—yourowngrief,aswellasothers’.Thenextstepistoidentifycommonmisconceptionsaboutgriefandcommonlyofferedresponsesthatdolittletohelpagrievingpersonfeelbetter.It’slikelyyouarefamiliarwithseveralofthem.

Step2:Recognizeandsetasidecommonunhelpfulmisconceptionsaboutgrief,childrenandhealing.Afewofthosemythsarelistedhere.Myth:Everyoneshouldgetovergriefasquicklyaspossible.Truth:Thereisnotimetableforgrief.Itisanimportantpartofhealingafterlossthatisuniqueto

eachperson.There’snopredictablesequence,roadmaporstatuteoflimitationsforgrief,andthere’snoone“right”waytogrieve.Noonehastherighttotellyouthatyoushouldbe“overitbynow”orthatit’s“timetomoveon.”

Myth:Thepainoflosswillgoawayfasterifyouignoreit.Truth:Ignoringyourpainorkeepingbusymaydistractyou,butitwon’tmakeyoufeelbetteror

helpyougetoveryourgrief.Theonlywaypastthepainistoallowyourselftogrieve.Findsafeandcomfortablesettingswhereyoucanexpressyourfeelingswithtrustedfriendsorfamily,inasupportgroup,orthroughartisticexpression.It’simportanttohonoryourgriefandtakecareofyourself.

Myth:Itisbestto“bestrong”andnotshowpainfulemotions.Truth:It’simportantforeveryonewhogrievestoallowandexpresstheirpainfulemotions.Oneof

thebestwaystohelpyourchildistosetahealthyexampleandtoaffirmhisfeelingsbysharingyourownfeelingsabouttheloss.Childrenneedtoknowthatfeelingsad,frightened,angryorlonelyareacceptablereactionsandthatcryingisokay.Theywilllearnthattheirfeelingsarenormalandthatitisokaytotalkaboutthem.

Myth:Childrendon’texperiencegriefasdeeplyasadultsdo.Truth:Childrengrievejustasdeeplyasadults;theyjustexpressitdifferently.Becausetheir

attentionspanisshorter,theytendtomoveinandoutofgrief,expressinggriefinvaryingintensity.Eachchild’sresponseisbasedontheknowledgeandskillsdevelopmentallyavailabletothem.Theyhavesimplercopingskillsthanadultsandlimitedcapacitytodealwiththerealityoftheloss.Eveninfantsandtoddlersgrievedeeply.Anyonebondedtoanotherwillrecognizewhenthatpersonisnolongerwiththemandfeelthepainofthelovedone’sabsence.

Myth:Ifachildseemsokay,hemustbeokay.Truth:Becausechildrendon'tmournthesamewayadultsdo,theirgriefisoftennotrecognized.

Theymayappeartobeunaffected,playingandbehavingasbefore.Theygrievelossesinspurts,severaltimesaday.Theydon'tunderstandtheirfeelingsorknowthatwhatthey'refeelingisgrief.Theymaybeconfusedandscaredanddon'tknowwhattoexpect,althoughtheymayneverexpressthosefeelings.Thegrieftheyfeelgoesunnoticed,oftenevenbythoseclosetothemwhodon'tbringupthelossforfearofremindingorupsettingthem.

Page 4: Good Grief Guide 2016

TheGoodGriefGuide©MicheleBenyo,2016 www.siblingsbyheart.com

Myth:Childrenshouldbeprotectedfromdifficultemotionstheyexperienceinresponsetoloss.Truth:It’simpossibletopreventchildrenfromfeelingemotionsthatarenaturalresponsestolife

events.Theyneedopportunitiestotalkabouttheirlossanddifficultfeelings.Oftenadultstrytomakeachildfeelbetterratherthanhelpingthemcopewiththeemotion.Theymaygivethechildsomethingtohelpthemgetoverthelossorsimplyavoidthetopic.Thesetacticsdon’twork.Griefisaresponsetoauniquerelationshipthathasended,andnothingcanreplaceit.Anewpuppydoesnotreplacethebelovedfamilypetthatdied.Avoidingthesubjectdoesn’tlessenthepain.

Childrenneedforadultstobetruthfulandopenwiththem.Ithelpsthemmakesenseofwhat’shappening.Answertheirquestionswithsimple,honestinformation.Statethattheperson“died.”Avoidsayinghe“passedaway,”“issleeping”or“hasgoneaway,”whichcanbeveryconfusingtochildren.Ratherthengivingspecificdetails,youmightsaythatthepersonwasverysickorveryold,andhisbodywouldn’tworkanymore.Besuretoexplainthattherearedifferentwayspeoplegetsick,andthatoftenpeoplegetbetteranddonotdie.

Myth:Someonewhoisgrievingpreferstobeleftalone.Truth:Somegrieversmayprefersolitude,butotherswouldlovetohavesomeonetotalkto.

Grievingchildrenaren’talwaysabletoaskforwhattheywant.Adultscanhelpbybeingnearby,whereverthechildis.Askingasimpleopen-endedquestiontoinviteconversationandsharingyourownmemoriesofthepersonwhodiedcancommunicatethatyou’reasafepersontotalktoaboutthishugelifeexperience.Avoidofferingadviceortellingyourchildhowtofeelorwhattothink.Listen.Youravailabilityandsilentpresencecanbethebestgift.

Myth:Timehealsallwounds;youwillgetoveryourgriefintime.Truth:Thisfalsebeliefisprobablythesinglegreatestdetrimenttorecoveryfromloss.Timedoes

nothingtohealgrief.Itiswhatyoudointimethatheals.Recoveryfromgrieforlossrequiresmakingaseriesofsmallandpositiveactionchoicesthatmoveyoutoabetterplace.Eveninthatbetterplace,youwon’t“getover”grief.Itbecomesapartofwhoyouare,andyoulearntolivewithit.Griefsoftensanderuptslessfrequentlyastimegoeson,butitcanrevisitatanytimeandinvaryingintensitywhenyouareremindedofyourloss.

Thesemisguidedideasaboutgriefdolittletomakeagrievingpersonfeelbetterandactuallycaninhibithealing.Beingfamiliarwiththesemythsandreplacingthemwithaccurateinformationclearsthewayforyoutooffermorehelpfulandhealthysupporttoyourgrievingchildandothers.Youcanbeginrightawaywithsomesimplesuggestions.

Step3:Learnandusehelpfulapproachesinresponsetochildren’sfeelingsofsadnessandgrief.Beginwiththesuggestionslistedbelow.• Avoidresponsesthatdiscouragesadandpainfulfeelings.Adultsoftentrytodistractahurting

childbygivingthemsomethingtobehappyaboutorsomethingtomakethemfeelbetter.Insteadof:

o Don’tcry!Let’sgogetsomeofyourfavoriteicecream.o AtleastwestillhaveBuddy,andwecangetanewpuppynextweek.”

Say:o Youmustfeelsosad.o “Itissosadtoloseabestfriend.YoulovedChamp,andyouwillmisshim!”

Page 5: Good Grief Guide 2016

TheGoodGriefGuide©MicheleBenyo,2016 www.siblingsbyheart.com

• Ask,“Whathappened?”ifyoudon’tknowwhyachildiscrying.Stopwhatyouaredoing,lookatyourchild,andlistentohisanswerwithoutinterrupting.

Thenyoumightsaysomethinglike:

o Icanunderstandwhyyoufeelsosad.o Iwouldbesad,too,ifthathappenedtome.

• Beasafepersonforyourchildtotalktowhenheorsheissad.Beavailable.Listen.Avoid

judgingtheirfeelingsortellingthemwhattofeelordoinstead.

Insteadof:o Whydon’tyougovisitJoey?Youalwayshavefunwithhim.o Trytothinkhappythoughts.”

Say:o Wouldyoulikemetositwithyou?o Icanseethatyou’refeelingsad.Doyouwanttotellmeaboutit?

• Teachbyexample.It’sokaytoletyourchildknowwhenyou’refeelingsadaboutsomething.If

youneedtocrywhenyourchildisaround,it’sokaytodoitinfrontofhim.

Say:o IamfeelingverysadaboutGrampatoday.Iwishhedidn’tdie.o Ireallymissyourbrothertoday!

• Allowyourchildtobeachild.Avoidencouragingyourchildtobea“bigboy”ora“biggirl.”

Don’ttellachildtobe“theman/grownupofthehouse”orbe“strongforyourmother/littlebrother,etc.”

• Agreewiththeirdifficultemotion.

Say:o "Icanseeyou’refeelingsadtoday,andI’msadtoo.”o Iamsosadthatyourbrotherdied.Youmustmisshimverymuch!o Igetangrysometimes,too.

• Shareyourownsadexperiences.

Forexample:“WhenIwasagirlIlostmytoyWallytheWalruswhenhefloatedawayfrommeatthebeach.Iwassadforalongtime.IstillrememberhowbadIfelt!”

• Givehugs,sitsilentlynearby,agreewiththeirfeelings,invitethemtotalk,say“Iamhere”and

“Iloveyou.”Yourchildwilllivewithgriefthroughouthis/herlifetime.S/hewillrevisitsignificantchildhoodlossesinnewwaysass/hegrowsthroughthedevelopmentalstagesandexperiencesoflife—andyourchildwillencounternewgrief.Havingauthentic,warm,andsupportivedialoguewithyourchild,andhelpingyourchildtounderstandandacceptgriefarekeystoestablishingagoodgrieffoundationfordealingeffectivelywithloss.Thisisoneofthegreatestgiftsyoucangiveyourchild.

Formoreparentingsupportandinformationaboutchildrenandgriefvisitwww.siblingsbyheart.com.


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