girls on board

Girls on Board: Session One Script

Girls on Board Session One Script and Tips Refer also to Page 6 of the Teachers’ Handbook

Overview of the purpose of this session As the chosen and trained facilitator of a Session One, you should start with the assumption that the girls in front of you do not think you understand their friendships and the issues that go with them. With each ‘hit point’ you will bring more and more girls on board with you until, by the end of the session, every girl not only understands the importance of remembering that every girl needs a friend, they also now know that the school, as represented by you, knows that too. They have gained trust in you and you have legitimised your right to talk about their friendship because you have pointed at truths about them which no adult has ever quite articulated so well before. Therefore, how you deliver the hit points is crucial. You need to take your time, create pauses which will get the girls’ attention and be clear. The Session The script is in normal font and the commentary in italics

Slide 1

It is nice if you can start the session by greeting the girls with friendly ‘hellos’ as they enter the room. Bags under the chairs, smiles, lots of gentle, friendly and neutral engagement. Precisely what you say to start the session is really up to you – you will, obviously, need to make this script ‘your own’ and present the session with your own style;


but the script will also give you guidance about certain types of pedagogical techniques – what works and what should be avoided. After a quick hello and perhaps ‘we are here today to spend some time talking about girls’ friendships and the stuff that goes with them’, you can flick onto the second slide.

Slide 2

‘I won’t be reading all my slides but I will read this one: “On the whole, girls are good” and I am going to stop right there because actually I’m not sure you could say that about boys could you?’ You should be looking at faces to tap into some amusement about how boys are different, and then building on that… ‘It seems to me that boys don’t necessarily see themselves as ‘good’ – perhaps they see themselves as a bit of a lad. Anyway, “girls are good and want to obey the rules, get on with everybody and be happy. However, they sometimes find that the search for trusting and reliable friendships is hard and that without such friendships they feel very unhappy. Their unhappiness is often displayed through tearfulness and even depression. Adults can help in only very limited ways because the problems within friendship groups (slow right down) are very fluid …and difficult to express … precisely”.’


Slide 3

Show the Outnumbered video clip, and don’t forget to smile at the amusing bits! Once it has finished: ‘We can probably all relate to what the little girl is doing there can’t we – it is very difficult to tell your parent what is really happening with your friendships because it is so complicated’.

Slide 4

HIT POINT 1 ‘And so… we have arrived at the first really important point of the Girls on Board approach. (pause) It seems to me … that it is true to say …. that every girl between around the age and 18 …. must have at least one other girl, in her year group in her school … to call a friend.’ Wait for looks of acknowledgement, nods etc. This needs to be slow.


‘So I’m getting a few nods around the room, which is great. Does anyone disagree with what I just said though, because I am not here to judge you or tell you how to behave. Does anyone think that that is not actually true – I would be very happy to talk about that.’ If there no interjections then move on to the next paragraph but if a girl wants to challenge it, then listen and show gratitude. If it is the ‘boy friends are just as important’ point, then you can welcome the thought and say that each girl is entitled to see this in whatever way they wish but offer, ‘I wonder whether if you really had no friendships with the other girls you would be saying that.’ There is nothing you would want to reject out of hand here, but you can always, at any point in these session thank the girl for her point and invite her to see her point as ‘her truth’ but not necessarily everybody else’s truth. ‘It seems to me that the really important point about saying ‘every girl needs a friend’ (which is pretty obvious to you) is that adults – parents and teachers, men and women, have forgotten just how very important that is to girls. And because they have forgotten how important it is for you, you rightly feel that the adults don’t get it! Sometimes a girl might be really upset and even not want to go to school because her friendships have gone wrong and a parent might be fed up and say, “I don’t get why this is so important – you don’t go to school to socialise, you go to get your grades. You have a roof over your head, food in your belly and no one is shooting at you – now go to school and I want to hear no more about this”. But actually the girl might feel that all that is nonsense – no one is about to take the roof off, or shoot at her so what’s your point!? You don’t get it I DON’T HAVE A FRIEND’. You will notice that the script expands on this point quite considerably, because it is a hit point and therefore we need the girls to engage with this first vital truth. By now, a good number of girls will be indicating their agreement and cooperation, but not necessarily all of them.


Slide 5

‘So who here has not seen Mean Girls?’ If you are using this PowerPoint for Year 6 and under, you will want omit this slide. Then to those who have not seen it: ‘Oh you must see it, it is such a great movie, you have such a treat in store – watch it tonight! What is your favourite line from the movie?’ Take suggestions and add your own favourite. Mentioning MEAN GIRLS is another moment when you are gaining trust by sharing a vital cultural references about girl behaviour.

Slide 6


‘So let’s talk about sizes of friendship groups. What’s it like, for instance, to be in a pair – what are the advantages and disadvantages? Look for feedback but try not to single out one girl – wait for hands up and be patient. If you get no response repeat the question ‘Being in a pair, what’s it like?’ Take the feedback and thank each girl for it. You might expect to hear the following points being made and any point that is not included by the girls you can add yourself: Pairs of girls are closer There is more trust and you can rely on each other BUT, if your friend is not in today or moves away that leaves you without a friend. If you fall out, there is no one to turn to and your former friend may break trust. The following point is often not made by the girls so you can use it to show your wisdom yet again. It also contains HIT POINT 2. ‘I don’t know if this has happened in your experience, but sometimes a pair of girls are such good friends and are seen to be laughing and having such a great time that, actually, other girls become jealous. So, another group of girls may, rather meanly, decide that they are the ‘haters’ of this happy pair and they start to attack them. They attack them partly because they know their friendship is so strong that they won’t be that upset, but also they attack them because (HIT POINT 2) every group of girls needs something to bond over. They have decided to bond over how much they hate these two girls, but it is not real – it’s not even personal. You see, when human beings meet and start talking to each other, they test out what they might have in common. And so it is with girls. When Year 7s (adjust for junior school) start at school and meet each other you might hear them say, ‘Ooh, Eastenders was amazing last night’ ‘I don’t watch Eastenders’ ‘Do you want to join my What’sapp group’ ‘My mum won’t let me’ ‘I’m so excited because my sister is going to buy me some pink slippers for my birthday’ ‘OOOoooh! I love Pink Slippers’ And BOOM, the two girls have found something they have in common and they can build a friendship around that one thing. You might see girls who have been friends all their lives still sending each other cards with pink slippers on the front. We all need things to bond over, it’s just nice if it isn’t being mean to other people. Not that I’m judging you. ‘So, what’s like being in a group of three?’


Take the feedback and thank each girl for it. You might expect to hear the following points being made and any point that is not included by the girls you can add yourself: More invitations and more people to mix with. Someone you can turn to if you have fallen out with one. BUT school desks and minibuses are always in pairs If the other two fall out, you might have to referee and you can’t take sides The following point is usually not made and is important. ‘Do you find that whichever girl you are, you always feel that the other two are closer to each other than they are to you? (nodding heads) HIT POINT 3 You see, I just think that shows that people are always a bit insecure about their friendships and I don’t just mean girls, I mean everyone – all human beings feel that nagging anxiety about how secure their friendship really are. That applies to me just as much as it might apply to you. ‘So, what about fours? What’s like being in a four?’ Take the feedback and thank each girl for it. You might expect to hear the following points being made and any point that is not included by the girls you can add yourself: More invitations and more people to mix with. Splits into two groups of two very easily. Nice fluidity. But, what if you want to go to the cinema (sleep over) and one of you can’t make it, do you still go? It is nice to be a part of a bigger group but it makes group decision making harder. ‘Do fives exist?’ Time for a quick exchange of ideas here. Fives often essentially split into a three and a two. In bigger schools, bigger groups exist and you can briefly touch on that but avoid getting into any discussion about who is friends with whom which can be very controversial. If that happens you can respond with “thank you but I’d rather not bring names into it – let’s move on.” This section of the session is always useful and even though the truths are fairly plain and obvious, girls always want to talk about group sizes, even on repeat


sessions. The topic forces them to reflect on their own situation without having to voice it.

Slide 7

‘On this slide we see listed some types of girl behaviour. It is important that you understand that I am not saying that any one of these descriptions is suitable to describe a girl completely – that would be unfair. But we can see in these label types of behaviour that some girls, some of the time, might indulge in. So first of all, the Queen Bee. I am not saying there are any Queen Bees here in the room today but can anyone tell what they think a Queen Bee is?’ Take comments and supply the following wisdom if it not forthcoming from the girls: ‘We might see Queen Bee behaviour as being a bit manipulative – like you are their friend one day and then they drop you the next day. The Queen Bee is the one who always needs to be the centre of attention and Queen Bee behaviour is generally quite mean and difficult to cope with.’ ‘But perhaps we need to remember that the reason that some girls behave like this is simply that they are even more insecure than everyone else (pause). That’s why they are mean … they have an even greater need to protect their friendships and control the people around them. ‘Next, we have the Messenger.’ Take comments and supply the following wisdom if it not forthcoming from the girls: ‘For me, a Messenger is someone who spreads rumours, or who hears some gossip in one group and then tells another – perhaps adding a twist along the way. Messengers often feel powerful for a short while but it always rebounds on


them in the end. Another way of describing them is as a ‘stirrer’. As a strategy, being a messenger is never successful. ‘Next, we have the Lost Sheep. And I have to be careful when I talk about the Lost Sheep because I don’t want you going from here onto the playground and start to be mean to each other, calling each other a lost sheep. A Lost Sheep is a girl who perhaps has not yet made the decision to stop being quite so close to her parents. They appear to want to join in but actually they almost deliberately don’t play the game of making friends properly and then go home and tell all sorts of lies about how mean other girls have been to her, when actually that is simply not true. ‘Next, Would-be Leaders. For me these are girls who want to lead and be at the centre of things but for some reason other girls don’t want to be led by them. Sometimes these girls also seek a BFF – a Best Friend Forever. So what do we think about Best Friends Forever? Good thing, bad thing?’ Take some responses briefly. ‘Hmmm, I’m not sure about BFFs really; I think it is probably good to have more than one friend if possible. ‘And now, the Placater. The Placater is a girl who wants everyone to get on and be friends, which is lovely. But she often achieves that by always being the one to say ‘yes’. She never disagrees with people and in the end that can make life uncomfortable because she never really gets to be herself. So I would say if you recognise bits of that in yourself, then that’s great but don’t forget to stand up for what you believe in too. ‘The Hopper is a great type of behaviour. The Hopper is a girl who can just go from one group to another and no one ever seems to mind. She’s friends with these people one day and those people the next day and everyone likes and accepts her. But it seems to me that Hoppers are born not made, so although it is wonderful to be a Hopper, I am not saying you all need to go out and be Hoppers, because for many of you that is just not how it works. ‘And finally, a Girl-in-the-Water is just a girl who doesn’t have a friend right now. That might be because she has been rejected by other girls or because she is a new girl and hasn’t formed friendships yet.’


Slide 8

‘Let’s suppose you are in a group of three and you are walking down the corridor on your way to lunch side by side. Up ahead you see that the corridor is narrowing and you are going to have to go in single file. You can have a bit of fun with this if you have boys in your school (6th form maybe) and say that the corridor is lined with big smelly boys etc. ‘Now I want you to consider, without calling out, whether you would go at the front or the middle or the back when going single file down this corridor. I am going to ask you to close your eyes as you vote so that you don’t just all copy each other. So who would go at the front – hands up; who would go in the middle – hands up; who would go at the back – hands up? Give the result in rough percentage terms. ‘Let’s hear from someone at the: Front, Middle, Back.’ This then prompts a quick discussion about the relative merits of positioning. ‘I’m curious, though, because if you are at the front don’t you worry that first of all you might turn round and suddenly your two friends are not there (gets a laugh if you act it out) and also (HIT POINT 4) that you can’t see or hear what they are talking about. And is it not true that we all, to some extent worry that if we can’t hear what our friends are talking about, we worry that they are talking about us? I think you should feel free to interpret that last moment however you want. Some teachers may not feel comfortable delivering that message. Doesn’t really matter how much agreement you get from this). ‘I think what this teaches us is that, moment by moment, girls worry about their friendships.


‘So let’s say you are in a group of four and, as you come out of lunch you need to go to the loo. So you agree with your friends that they can go off onto the playground/field – they don’t have to wait for you. But when you come out of the loo you are slightly disappointed that they didn’t wait for you (possible slight pause to see if any girl wants to pick up on this point). Anyway you look around and see that they have taken themselves right to very far side of the playground/field. (Slight pause) Is that a problem? (Wait for responses but don’t ask for them. You usually get a mixed response but on the whole girls will agree that, at the very least, the prospect of having to walk across the field on their own is uncomfortable. Some might say that they don’t like to be seen as being on their own as if they have no friends. If you get no response you can use the above ideas yourself) You see, I think it can be a bit of problem for the reasons you’ve just given. Not only that but, (slight pause) as you approach them, what are they talking about? (You will find there is general chat about this) Aren’t you perhaps worried that they’re talking about you? (See who might agree. I think you should feel free to interpret that last moment however you want. Some teachers may not feel comfortable delivering that message)

Slide 9

Anyway… who’s up for some role play? Try to use volunteers and also chose girls who are NOT sitting next to each other because the role play works a lot better if the girls involved are not close friends. ‘We have three friends, Audrey, Ethel and Doris. They are all good friends with each other, or so they thought… because last Saturday night Ethel and Doris went to the cinema (had a sleep over for much younger kids) and they didn’t ask Audrey. (Go for gasps!) It is now Monday morning and Audrey has come into


school to confront the two girls she thought were her friends about what happened last Saturday night.

We obviously come ‘off script’ here because we can’t predict exactly what the girls are going to say in the role play. But here are the important principles about what the role play is for and what points need to be made from it. As before, if the girls don’t give you want to hear that is fine – you just say it for them, using the by-now familiar suffix ‘but isn’t it true that…’ The main point of the role play is to demonstrate, in a non-judgmental way, how and why girls lie (though you may prefer to call that ‘half the truth’, or a ‘tweaked version of the truth’, or some other expression that is not so pejorative). In the many dozens of session ones I have taken I have only had to bail out on a group of girls once and that was when the girl playing Audrey – the first to speak – kept reassuring me that she was fine but could not bring herself to utter a single word to get the role play going. After a couple of sticky minutes, a number of other girls were expressing their willingness to take over so I just swapped them. Interestingly, what has NEVER happened in one of my sessions is this: AUDREY: why did you go out on Saturday night without me? ETHEL: I am so sorry, there is no excuse, we are so sorry we did that. DORIS: Please forgive us, Audrey, we still want to be your friend. AUDREY: Well you did hurt my feelings, but since you apologised so nicely I forgive you. Since we have not told Ethel and Doris WHY they didn’t invite Audrey the role-playing girls have to think on their feet and come up with a reason, like: ‘We did ask you, you never responded to the text.’ Easy one for Audrey to challenge, with, ‘ok, let’s see your phone.’ Then the lying starts in earnest. Or: ‘We went to see a horror movie, and we know you don’t like those.’ Audrey usually retorts, ‘That’s not true, I love them.’ Cue lying from Ethel and Doris. Or: ‘My Mum said I could only go with one other girl because she was paying.’ Audrey usually retorts something like, ‘So, if I phone your Mum, that’s what she’ll say?’


What you are hoping for and nearly always get is some form of conflict between the girls and clear examples of them contradicting themselves because they are lying. Depending on how it goes on you might want to push the point with Audrey by asking, ‘So are these two girls still your friends?’ You might pick up on the obvious and indeed subtler lies we have heard so that the girls understand that that is what you are pointing at in this exercise. The second part of the role play leads to you asking Ethel and Doris to step to one side but remain on the ‘stage’, while you invite another volunteer. This volunteer will play Audrey’s parent (lots of laughter at this!). The girl can choose whether to play the mother or father. ‘Ok, so Audrey, I want you to role play going home to your parent and telling her/him what happened in school today’. Audrey can play this straight by simply relaying what happened but sometimes the role-playing girl embellishes the truth and starts to cause a real drama.

‘Now, another volunteer please, this time to play Ethel’s parent. Ethel, tell your parent what happened in school today.’ Pick up interesting points from the lies the girl may use or the parent’s reaction. ‘Now, another volunteer please, this time to play Doris’s parent. These two role plays can go any number of ways, but what you are hoping for is that Ethel or Doris will make some small (or large) confession to her Mum/Dad, such as, ‘I didn’t ask Audrey to go with us.’ The Mum/Dad will then either support the daughter’s decision or (more commonly) criticise her for being mean. If the criticism from the parent is not forthcoming you can mention it yourself. ‘But isn’t it true that if you go home and say to your parent, “Mum, I got really cross with Audrey today, she’s so difficult and so I didn’t ask her out to the cinema.” Isn’t your Mum going to get cross with you? Isn’t she going to say that you were mean not to ask Audrey out? Isn’t she going to say. ‘how would you like it if Audrey excluded you?’ Nodding heads. ‘So isn’t it true (HIT POINT 5) that WE KNOW WHY GIRLS LIE TO THEIR PARENTS – IT’S BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO BE TOLD OFF. And that seems really important to me, because we should not and do not JUDGE girls for lying to their parents; we understand why you would do that, it’s natural and logical. BUT (HIT POINT 5a) you have to understand that there are consequences to not telling all the truth to your parents. If your


parents believe everything you tell them and fill in the missing bits and then act on it, then you might well be getting other girls into trouble, and in the end, that trouble will almost certainly rebound on you when the lies are discovered. In each role play the parent’s reaction is going to be one of three types.

1. Her/his reaction is straight-forward, loving, sensible and essentially neutral but supportive.

2. Her/his reaction is quite dismissive, perhaps even critical and stand offish. 3. The parent overreacts and start wailing about ringing the school or even

the other girls’ parents.

Slide 10

‘Now let’s look at how parents react in these situations because it seems to me that you can broadly categories parents into three. Those who over react and go crazy and want to call the school or even other parents – and there is surely nothing worse than that? Or you have parents who get it about right, or you have parents who perhaps under react – they don’t seem to bother, too busy with emails and so on. This is confidential, but let’s just have a quick show of hands: who here thinks they have parents who overreact / get it about right / under react. Thank you, so for those of you who have parents who overreact or under react, do you think it is possible to have a conversation with your parents about that? Some nods, some shakes. Do you think, and this may not be possible, that at a time when it is all going really well at home- like Sunday lunch – you could say to your parents, ‘look this is what I need from you. I need you to listen and not over react. Or, I need just 20 minutes a day when I have your full attention.’ I know I am being quite controversial here, I am sort of asking you to manage your parents. I see some girls shaking their heads but I am sowing the seed of a thought that perhaps you might act on in the future.


‘So, who talks to the pet!? This causes much laughter and discussion and it is nice to endorse the idea that you can talk to the pet instead of the parent because the pet doesn’t judge or overreact. When talking about the overreacting parent we arrive at Hit Point 6, which is one of the most significant and surprising: ‘So when an over-reacting parent rings the school to talk to Mrs Smith, the Head of Year, is it Mrs Smith’s fault that the girls fell out? Girls: ‘NO!’ You: ‘Really and truly, is there anything Mrs Smith can do about this situation.’ Girls: ‘NO!’ You: (HIT POINT 6) ‘So, does it get better or worse when the grown ups get involved?’ Girls: ‘Worse!’ Pause. You: ‘Ok, so what we’re saying is that the grown ups should stay out of it when girls fall out with each other. Yeah? The grown ups should listen and check no one is being bullied, but not interfere or try to sort out the detail of who said what to whom. Yeah? And that is what Girls on Board is. In future, when girls fall out and staff are made aware, then the members of staff will first of all listen to your story to see if they think you or someone is being bullied - and don’t forget for it to be called ‘bullying’ it must be persistent and over time. If it is not bullying, if it is just ‘Girls on Board’ stuff, then the staff member will ask if you want a Girls on Board session, which is pretty much exactly what we are doing here today but without the role play, or whether you just want to talk your problems through but not have anyone take action. Maybe, if you are really unhappy, the staff member might suggest counselling. It is possible that you don’t want the staff member to call a Girls on Board session but they decide to do one anyway. ‘But, and I want to be very clear here, just because we are saying that staff should not get involved in the detail of Girls on Board type conflict, but instead just help you to sort it out for yourselves, that DOESN’T mean that staff don’t want to talk to you. They still want you to talk to them about the strains and stresses of your life, whether that is stuff at home, or exam nerves or whatever you want to talk about. It just means that, when it comes to that particular category of problems – girls falling out with each other – they are going to take a different approach. Are we clear?


Slide 11

‘Ok, let’s do another role play! Who’s up for it? I need four girls please’. The purpose of this next role play is not always clear to adults but goes down well with the girls because it prompts a lot of talk and discussion amongst them. This is essentially the last event in Session One and this role play sends them off into the corridor talking about friendship issues in principle. It’s like this role play encapsulates the way in which the adults no longer experience the actual discomfort of loyalty dilemmas which the girls are actually living day by day. ‘Ok, so we have four friends, Audrey, Ethel, Doris and Clementine. They are good friends and equal in all the ways that matter. Except to say that Clementine comes from a family that has very little money – certainly less than the other girls. Now, for her birthday, Audrey was given a R O S E G O L D MACBOOK ! Prompt gasps. A serious piece of kit, I’m sure you’ll agree. Now, Audrey decides that she is going to tell Ethel and Doris about the MacBook but not Clementine. Turning to Audrey, Audrey, why did you decided not to tell Clementine? (Girl role-playing will usually say something like “because I don’t want her to be jealous because her family does not have as much money”. If she doesn’t, then say it for her.) ‘So now, Ethel and Doris, you have a problem don’t you!? You have to decide whether or not to stay loyal to Audrey and not tell Clementine about the MacBook, or tell Clementine because it is wrong to exclude people by keeping secrets. This next moment is fascinating as the girls playing Ethel and Doris struggle to make up their minds – no sitting in the fence is allowed. Whichever way they jump, together or separately doesn’t matter to you as facilitator.


‘You have made your choices. No matter what you choose doesn’t matter really because we all know that Clementine is going to find out fairly quickly! So, let’s say Clementine has found out. She goes home very upset and complains that she has been deliberately excluded by Audrey who has created and kept a secret from her. Her parents complain to the school and the Head of Year decides she ought to interview Audrey. So Audrey, let’s pretend I am going to interview you, Ok? You: Hi Audrey, how are you today? Girl: good thanks You: I hear you had a birthday a couple of days ago. What did you get? Girl: I got a Rose Gold MacBook. You: Wow, how amazing. Does it surprise you to know I already knew that? Girl: Yes, it does. You: Well I know that you didn’t tell your friend Clementine about your MacBook, because she has complained that you are excluding her. Is it fair that she complained, Audrey? Why did you keep that secret from her? Girl: I didn’t tell her because I know she doesn’t have a lot of money and I didn’t want to make her jealous. You: Thanks Audrey, I understand you were just trying to be kind. ‘So, I guess we will never really know whether or not Audrey was deliberately trying to exclude Clementine. It doesn’t matter, but what we do know is that there is nothing teachers can do in this situation because Audrey has created a cast iron excuse to cover her behaviour.’


Slide 12

There are various ways you can end the session. You might want to go back through the Hit Points which I have summarised below. You might want to place a particular emphasis on an aspect which you feel was not quite understood. One way I have found quite effective is to end a few minutes early and simply give the girls the chance to chat, as in: ‘look – we’ve ended a few minutes early so why don’t you chat amongst yourselves for a few minutes.’ Then listen in; you have not told them to discuss what they have heard but they will. With a couple of minutes to go, regain their focus and pick up in any interesting last points they make themselves. This way, once again, you are passing ownership to the girls to take the approach off into their lives. Hit Points 1. Every girl needs a friend. 2. Every group of girls needs something to bond over. 3. Everybody feels insecure about their friendships. 4. Girls worry about what other people are saying about them. 5. Girls lie because they don’t want to be told off by their parents. 5a. There are consequences to not telling the truth to your parents. 6. When grown-ups get involved in girl conflict, things get worse.

girls on board

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