GHOST STORY

Ghost Story By Marsha Grant

Copyright © MMIII All Rights Reserved

Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa All performances before an audience are subject to royalty. The first performance royalty fee is $50.00. Repeat performances are $40.00 each. Royalty fees are due one week prior to production, at which time performance rights are granted. On all programs and advertising this notice must appear: "Produced by special arrangement with Heuer Publishing LLC of Cedar Rapids, Iowa." This dramatic work is fully protected by copyright. No part of this work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission of the publisher. Copying (By any means) or performing a copyrighted work without permission constitutes an infringement of copyright. The right of performance is not transferable and is strictly forbidden in cases where scripts are borrowed or purchased second hand from a third party. All rights including, but not limited to the professional, motion picture, radio, television, videotape, broadcast, recitation, lecturing, tabloid, publication, and reading are reserved. COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. One copy for each speaking role must be purchased for production purposes. Single copies of scripts are sold for personal reading or production consideration only.

PUBLISHED BY

HEUER PUBLISHING LLC P.O. BOX 248 • CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA 52406

TOLL FREE (800) 950-7529 • FAX (319) 368-8011

BY MARSHA GRANT

CAST OF CHARACTERS (FIVE WOMEN, FOUR MEN)

THE GHOSTS: Edward "Blackbeard" Teach........... the 18th century pirate. Bonnie Parker ................................. early 20's. Clyde Barrow.................................. late 20's. Ma Barker .......................................mid 50's. THE MORTALS: Evelyn "Eve" Smith ........................ a self-sufficient woman age 40-50. Carolyn "Caro" Smith .....................her daughter age 19-25. Florence "Flo" McDougal............... town resident and busybody,

age 50-60 Police Sergeant ............................... age 25. Police Lt. Robert Sturms................. age 30. The time is present; single unit set; running time without intermission, approximately 90 minutes.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES Act One, Scene 1: A summer day Act One, Scene 2: Later the same day Act One, Scene 3: That night Act One, Scene 4: The next morning Act One, Scene 5: Later the same day Act Two, Scene 1: A few days later Act Two, Scene 2: A week later Act Two, Scene 3: Later that day Act Two, Scene 4: Half an hour later Act Two, Scene 5: Later that day Act Two, Scene 6: The next morning

PROP LIST

ACT ONE, SCENE 1 Preset seven whiskey bottles Preset deck of Bicycle playing cards Laptop computer Small basket of apples Clyde's Colt 45

2

GHOST STORY ACT ONE, SCENE 2 Aprons for Eve and Caro Two spray bottles of furniture polish Dust cloths Paperback novels Nail buffer for Bonnie ACT ONE, SCENE 3 Noise makers for the ghosts Bonnie's drink Flashlight ACT ONE, SCENE 4 Tray, coffee pot, 3 mugs, cream and sugar Small basket of cucumbers and tomatoes ACT ONE, SCENE 5 Four plastic shopping bags filled with assorted items like paper towels/canned

goods One mug of tea Cook's apron and oven mitt for Ma Towel and hand lotion for Bonnie ACT TWO, SCENE 1 Bonnie's wet wig ACT TWO, SCENE 2 Chains and bells to string across door frame Flat basket with artificial flowers Vase ACT TWO, SCENE 3 Two mugs of tea Whiskey glass for Flo Whiskey bottle for Teach ACT TWO, SCENE 4 Handcuffs, holster and gun for the Sgt. Notepad and pencil for the Lt. Shotgun for Bonnie ACT TWO, SCENE 5 Whiskey bottle for Teach (Same as Act Two, Scene 3) Nail polish for Bonne Two mugs of tea (Same as Act Two, Scene 3)

3

BY MARSHA GRANT

ACT TWO, SCENE 6 Caro's duffle and garment bags Eve's suitcase Bonnie's red bikini

SOUND EFFECTS Two crash boxes A door slammer Phone ringer Starter cap pistol (An actor can do offstage moans)

PRODUCTION NOTES

Unit set is the parlor of an old clapboard cottage in St Mary's, Maryland, a fictional small town on the peninsular between the Potomac River and Chesapeake Bay. There are three exits: the front door stage right, a door to the kitchen stage left, and steps up to the bedrooms and bath along the back wall. There is a fireplace down left of the kitchen door, a curtained window down right of the front door under which is a built-in window seat or trunk large enough for Clyde to hide in. Essential set pieces include a set of fireplace tools, an overstuffed sofa center stage raked to face the fireplace, a club chair set at a right angle left of the sofa, a large hassock in front of the fireplace, a coffee table in front of the sofa, and a table stage right on the back wall for a working telephone and lamp. Furnishings should appear old and mismatched. Vines obscure the window when the curtain is pulled back. Decorative items should be minimal, and look like they've seen better days. The ghosts enter and exit the parlor as the mortals do. The moving chair in Act One, Scene 2 is easily done by tying a string or clear fishing line to the chair leg by the sofa (Use one with castors if on a rug), and run it along the floor and under the kitchen door where it can be pulled from offstage. The overstuffed sofa will mask the action in Act One, Scene 3 when Caro knees Clyde in the groin, and make it more comfortable for him to roll over the back and onto the cushions. The same action is repeated in Act Two, Scene 4 when Flo faints after the gunshot. Clyde wears a shoulder holster holding an old Colt 45 throughout the play. To eliminate any chance of an injury when he shoots it in Act Two, Scene 4, a starter cap pistol should be used offstage for the sound effect. To facilitate blocking, the laptop should appear to be one that operates off batteries and the satellite system.

Costumes for the ghosts do not change except for Bonnie who appears in a bathrobe as indicated in the script, and in Act Two, Scene 6 when she enters

4

GHOST STORY wearing a bloody blouse with her suit skirt. At all other times she is covered with a suit jacket. A wig can be used in Act Two, Scene 1 for her wet hair. Both she and Ma Barker are flamboyantly dressed in the style of the 30's, complete with hats and jewelry. Ma could also wear a fox stole of the period. She might also walk with a slight limp, indicative of someone who suffers from arthritic joints. In the first and last scenes, Caro wears a dressy pantsuit, Eve, a skirt and blouse. In Act One, Scene 2 through Act Two, Scene 5, Caro wears jeans and assorted tops, and Eve wears slacks and assorted tops to facilitate quick changes between scenes. Accents are not essential, but Bonnie, Clyde, and Ma Barker who were from Texas and Oklahoma, could speak with a southwestern twang. Teach's country of birth is unknown, but he spent enough time in the British Isles that he could speak with a British or Irish dialect to make his character more interesting.

5

BY MARSHA GRANT

ACT ONE, SCENE 1 AT RISE: The room appears in a ghostly light and is strewn with cobwebs. Teach and Clyde are playing poker on the coffee table. Teach is dressed in an 18th century pirate costume and has a dagger in his boot. Clyde wears a bloody shirt, baggie pants with suspenders, a fedora (Circa 1930's), and the shoulder holster with gun. Seven whiskey bottles are pre-set on the floor beside the sofa and side chair. TEACH: (Lays down two cards.) Gimme two, matey. (Clyde deals them.)

That's more like it. CLYDE: Dealer takes one. What's your bet, Teach? TEACH: (Sets three whiskey bottles on the table.) Three big ones. CLYDE: (Puts four bottles on table.) Three and raise you one. TEACH: Raise ye two and call. CLYDE: Two what? TEACH: The two ye drunk already. CLYDE: They don't count. TEACH: (Pulls a knife from his boot.) What's that ye say, matey? CLYDE: (Lays out the cards.) Pair of jacks. TEACH: Flush, ten high. CLYDE: (Checks the cards, then responds angrily.) Teach, you're a dirty,

lyin', cheatin'... TEACH: (Pulls his dagger.) Belay your tongue, matey. Ain't nobody calls

Blackbeard a cheat and a liar, and lives. CLYDE: (Pulls his gun, then backs down.) Ah, Teach, you can't kill a

bloke who's already dead. TEACH: You're right. Takes all the fun out of it. EVE: (Offstage.) This is the place, Caro. CARO: (Offstage.) You've got to be kidding! EVE: (Offstage.) Six-thirty-four Wisteria Lane. It's right there on the

mailbox. (The ghosts grab the bottles and exit up the stairs.) CARO: (Offstage.) Maybe you copied it down wrong. EVE: The key works. (Enters the front door holding her laptop computer.) CARO: (Enters and looks around the room.) Mother, it's totally

uninhabitable. Do they really expect us to stay here? EVE: It's one of their safe houses. (Places her laptop and purse on the

sofa and walks around the room during the following conversation.) CARO: Safe from what? EVE: From the bad guys, I guess. CARO: Is this place even on the map? EVE: We found it. See if you can find the light switch. CARO: (Feeling along the wall beside the front door.) What light switch?

Electricity hasn't been discovered yet.

6

GHOST STORY EVE: (Crossing to the kitchen door.) What's that awful smell? CARO: An over-ripe septic system. EVE: Well, see if you can shed some light... (Caro turns on the lamp,

LIGHTS COME UP, and they survey the ratty furniture and cobwebs.) Oh, how depressing! I'm sorry, Caro. I never should have gotten you into this.

CARO: Too late now, Mother. Like it or not, we're in it together. EVE: Which won't be for long, I hope. CARO: When does the trial start? (Crosses behind sofa.) EVE: In ten days, give or take. CARO: Then what? EVE: After I testify, we're out of here. CARO: What if they're not convicted? EVE: Then we stay. CARO: Don't say that. EVE: Then we run. CARO: We spend the rest of our lives running and hiding? EVE: One day at a time. CARO: That's Alcoholics Anonymous. We're the sober ones, remember? EVE: That's what I'm banking on. CARO: Did they make contingency plans? EVE: They haven't said. CARO: Great! Our government at work! EVE: (Crosses to Caro.) I'm sorry Caro, but for too many years I let

practicality override principle. It was time to stand up for what I believe and let the chips fall where they may. It never occurred to me that you might be one of the chips.

CARO: I understand. I'm just trying to get used to the idea of my mother, the whistle-blower!

EVE: But, you weren't part of the equation. I'm sorry. CARO: Well, quit saying it. I volunteered, so it's on my own head. Let's

see what the rest of the house is like? (Crosses to the kitchen door.) Do you suppose there's a kitchen attached, or do we rub two sticks together? (Eve starts up the stairs.) Watch it, Mother. Those steps don't look safe. (A door slams.) What was that?

EVE: Hello? Anybody up there? (Beat, then a moaning sound.) CARO: Did you hear that? EVE: Probably the wind. CARO: What wind? EVE: (Exasperated.) I don't know. It's an old house. Old houses make

noises. (There is a knock at the front door and the women look alarmed.)

CARO: Who do you suppose that could be? EVE: I don't know. CARO: Who knows we're here?

7

BY MARSHA GRANT

EVE: I don't know. CARO: Mother, will you quit repeating yourself! EVE: Nobody knows we're here—except them. CARO: Them who—the good guys or the bad guys? EVE: I don't know! CARO: Well, how do we tell the difference? They all wear suits. (Knock

on door again.) Do we open it? EVE: (Crosses to front door.) You stay out of sight. I'll go see... CARO: (Pulls EVE back and crosses in front of her.) I won't hide if you're

in danger. EVE: (Pulls CARO back and crosses in front of her.) Nothing is going to

happen in broad daylight? CARO: Didn't stop the Mafia. EVE: (Opens the door a crack, peers out, then closes it quickly.) It's an

old lady with a basket in her hand. CARO: What's in the basket? EVE: I couldn't tell. But she looks harmless enough. CARO: So did Ted Bundy. If we don't let her in maybe she'll go away.

(Knock on the door again.) EVE: This is silly. She knows we're here, so let's find out what she wants. CARO: (Pulls EVE back and crosses in front of her.) You go hide and I'll

open it. I'm not the one they're after. EVE: (Pushes CARO aside.) Not a chance. (Opens door.) Can I help

you? FLO: (Oozing with congeniality.) Mornin', neighbor. I'm Florence

McDougal—live in the blue cottage at the end of the lane. EVE: The one with hollyhocks and white roses? FLO: They're Blanc Double d'Coubert, my absolute favorites. Early

blooming and pest free. Welcome to St Mary's. (Hands Eve a basket of apples.) Fresh picked this morning.

EVE: Thank you, Ms. McDougal... FLO: Call me Flo. And you are? EVE: I'm Eve... CARO: (Shaking her head.) Mother... EVE: Smith. Evelyn Smith. And this is my daughter, Carolyn. FLO: Nice to meet you, Evelyn Smith...Carolyn. (Steps in and looks

around.) Good gracious, this place isn't fit to live in. EVE: It definitely needs attention... FLO: Demolition's more like it. (Starts moving around the room checking

out the furnishings, blowing dust off the mantle, etc.) I had no idea it was in such bad shape. Nobody's lived here in years. You buying or renting?

CARO: Uh...renting. FLO: Vacation? CARO: A...uh...short vacation, (To herself.) we hope.

8

GHOST STORY FLO: St. Mary's does attract its share of summer visitors, being it's the

oldest town in Maryland. (Opens kitchen door, looks in, then closes it.) Lots of history around here, but if the salesman said this was a vacation cottage, demand your money back. It's blight on the community.

EVE: Nice location. FLO: (Crosses to the steps and looks up.) Yes, but there's more

hospitable rentals overlooking the Bay. That's where most of the tourists stay.

CARO: Well, we wanted to be private…a more private spot…away from the crowd...

FLO: (Crosses US of sofa.) You a writer? Simultaneously. EVE: No/CARO: Yes CARO: Mother just has a temporary case of writer's block. Why do you

ask? FLO: No particular reason. Lots of writers and artists come down here for

the peace and quiet, and for the view, of course. EVE: It is very scenic. CARO: You made us, Ms. McDougal... FLO: Flo. CARO: Flo. Mother needs peace and quiet to do her best work, don't you,

Mother? EVE: I do? (CARO nods emphatically.) Oh, yes. Of course. Too many

distractions in the city...phone ringing constantly...neighbors dropping by...you know...

FLO: What kind of books do you write? EVE: What kind? (Looks to CARO who shrugs.) Simultaneously. CARO: Children's books/EVE: Mystery novels. CARO: Children's mystery novels. EVE: Who-done-its for the kiddies. See, I even brought my laptop.

Couldn't live without it. FLO: Anything I'd know? Simultaneously. EVE: No./CARO: Yes. CARO: Mother's still waiting to get published.

9

BY MARSHA GRANT

FLO: I see. Well, then, I'll leave you to settle in. (Crosses to front door.) Let me know if I can be of help. (Looks around.) Needs a lot of work, but I expect you can see that.

CARO: We don't mind. It was dirt cheap - dirt being the operative word. FLO: Each to his own. (Crosses back to EVE.) But I'd better warn you.

Folks around here say this place is haunted. EVE: Haunted…how? FLO: You, know...ghosts. CARO: Why do they say that? FLO: Strange noises, people dressed in odd clothes coming and going,

then disappearing. But don't let it worry you. Haunted houses are part and parcel of old towns like St. Mary's. Adds to the mystique, and keeps the tourists coming back.

EVE: Caro, maybe we made a mistake. FLO: Oh, don't let an old lady's gossip upset you. You'll be fine. Why, we

haven't had a murder in St. Mary's in over 400 years. CARO: Mother...? EVE: Thanks for dropping by, Flo. We appreciate the apples. I'm sure

they're delicious. FLO: Actually, (Beat.) they're McIntosh. Like McDougal. We got the

same roots. Well, enjoy. And good luck with the writing. (Exits.) EVE: Come on, kiddo, let's unload the car and then go shopping for food

and cleaning supplies. CARO: You sure it's safe to venture out. EVE: Who's gonna find us here? CARO: Bad men posing as tourists? EVE: I thought you said they wore suits. CARO: They do... did...I don't know. EVE: Well, if we see a bunch of yuppies dressed in business suits

shopping the A and P, we'll run for cover. Check to see if the kitchen comes with running water and I'll meet you by the car. (As CARO crosses to the kitchen, EVE picks up the phone.) Wadda you know. The phone works. (Looks around and shudders.) I don't even want to think what the bathroom must look like. (Turns off the table lamp and exits front door as LIGHTS FADE TO HALF. The ghosts peek around the corner on the steps.)

CLYDE: Teach, we got company. TEACH: (Moves up center of sofa.) Two silly females scared of their own

bloomin' shadows. Easy pickin's. We'll rattle the shutters, move things around when they're not looking, moan a little, they'll skedaddle faster 'n rats on a sinkin' ship.

CLYDE: (Crosses to kitchen door.) Where's Bonnie and Ma? TEACH: Around someplace. CLYDE: Then go round them up. We gotta make plans. TEACH: Ye got two legs.

10

GHOST STORY CLYDE: Teach, why is it ever' time I ask ya to do somethin', ya pull rank? TEACH: One of the perks of age. I got 200 years on ye, kid. CLYDE: I like this place. Don't wanna move. TEACH: Wouldn't be the first time. CLYDE: Nope, but I was startin' to feel at home here, great location. BLACKOUT. ACT ONE, SCENE 2 SETTING: Later the same day. AT RISE: EVE and CARO have donned aprons, and with rags and spray bottles of furniture polish they move around the parlor during the following dialogue dusting furniture, plumping pillows, and pulling down the cobwebs. CARO places some new paperback novels on the mantle. CARO: You look tired, Mom. Want me make some tea? EVE: If I sit down, I won't get up again. Let's finish with this room before

we call it quits. CARO: The kitchen is in pretty good shape, such as it is. EVE: Did the water ever get hot? CARO: Finally. The tank only holds 10 gallons, so we're restricted to short

showers. EVE: What shower? Did you get a good look at that claw-footed tub? CARO: It's a beaut. I could sell it for a fortune in my shop...circa 1890 is

my guess. EVE: So's the stove, but who wants to chop wood. If they can afford to

send shuttles into space, you'd think they could bring their safe house into the 21st century.

CARO: I doubt if it's even in their budget. Top secret, you know. Along with pay-offs to government assassins.

EVE: Where did you hear that? CARO: Read about it in some novel. We need to get some rust remover.

There are some nasty stains in the kitchen sink. EVE: You sure it's rust? CARO: What else could it be? EVE: I don't think it's 400-yr-old blood. But who knows what else that

sink's been used for. (Picks up playing cards from the coffee table.) Are these your cards, Caro?

CARO: Nope. Didn't bring any. EVE: They look new. Wonder who left them here? CARO: Ask Flo.

11

BY MARSHA GRANT

EVE: She said this house hasn't been occupied for years. CARO: She could be wrong, you know. Other government witnesses may

have been smuggled in and out while her back was turned. EVE: I doubt if she misses much. CARO: Mom, why don't you go upstairs and lie down. I'll finish up in here. EVE: Don't tempt me. By the way, that tub needs some rust-remover, too.

The water must be loaded with iron. CARO: Maybe the last witness didn't make it to trial. EVE: Caro, that’s enough! This whole business has me jumping at every

sound. I'll go make the beds and then we'll have that cup of tea. (Loud crash from kitchen.) What was that?

CARO: A mouse? EVE: Not unless they grow them as big as horses up here. CARO: Maybe a raccoon...or a possum. I'll go see. EVE: No, wait! (A door slams upstairs.) What was that? CARO: A 400-year-old ghost? EVE: Don't be silly. CARO: Did you open the windows upstairs? EVE: Yes, to air out the smell. CARO: Then it's probably the wind. You really are spooked, aren't you? EVE: Wouldn't you be? CARO: Only of strange men wearing business suits. EVE: Don't try to be funny, Caro. I'm way past laughing. I may never

laugh again. CARO: Hey, how about a quick game of gin rummy to lift your spirits. I'll

even let you win. EVE: (Puts the laptop on the coffee table.) How about checking the email

instead? (Crosses to lamp table facing away from stage left.) CARO: Is that allowed? EVE: How can you trace an email? CARO: If satellites can pick up conversations in parking lots, tapping e-

mails must be child's play to the pros. EVE: Then why are we hiding out? CARO: They figure the bad guys haven't caught on yet. (The chair moves

across the floor stage left.) Mother, did you see that? EVE: (Turns back to CARO.) See what? CARO: That chair moved...all by itself. EVE: Don't be ridiculous. CARO: I'm telling you, I just saw that chair move across the floor. EVE: Stop playing games, Caro. CARO: I'm not playing games. It moved. I saw it with my own eyes. EVE: Well, let me know if it starts skipping rope. (Starts up the steps.) I could sleep for a week. CARO: Don't you want that cup of tea? EVE: Later. I never realized that honesty could be so exhausting. (Exits.)

12

GHOST STORY CARO: (Cautiously examines the chair, then moves it back into original

position. The chair moves again, and she exits up the steps yelling.) Motherrrrrrr! (TEACH and BONNIE enter via the front door; CLYDE enters from the kitchen. BONNIE plops down on the sofa and starts buffing her nails. She is always fussing with some aspect of her appearance.)

CLYDE: Good work, Teach. You got them rattled. TEACH: After tonight, they'll be gone, lock, stock, and Pine Sol. Ye forgot

to pick up the cards, matey. CLYDE: I thought you got them. TEACH: Ye dealt. It was your job. CLYDE: Don't blame me ‘cause you messed up. TEACH: You're the one that wants them out of here. I'm just tryin' to be

accommodatin'. BONNIE: Just along for the ride, huh? TEACH: Brave talk from a couple of penny-ante delinquents. CLYDE: (Threatens TEACH with his gun.) I don't like your attitude, Teach. BONNIE: Put it away, Clyde. He's already dead. CLYDE: Don't give me any lip, Bonnie. BONNIE: Sure thing, big shot! If you hadn't been such a know-it-all, we

wouldn't be stuck in this dump. TEACH: (Crosses to chair and sits.) Ye'd rather be planted in a dusty

graveyard, folks crying and singing "Nearer To God"? BONNIE: Oh, shut up, Teach. CLYDE: I think that's where we was planted. Only I don't recall any

singin'. BONNIE: (Crosses L to CLYDE and teases him.) How would you know,

sweet cakes? You was full of holes. CLYDE: (Grabs BONNIE in an embrace and swings her around playfully.)

You're still my gal, ain't ya? We're a team. Had us some swingin' times.

BONNIE: Teach is the one who swung. TEACH: (Crosses R shuffling the cards.) Actually, I was slashed and

dashed, then beheaded. But who remembers the details. Now, ye two are legendary.

BONNIE: I read about you in a history book, Teach. Pot don't call the kettle black.

TEACH: I was a privateer... makin' an honest livin'. CLYDE: Robbing the rich to give to the poor? Yeah, you were a regular

Robin Hood. TEACH: (crosses U to table where he sets down the cards.) Ye should

bloody well be thankin' me. I equalized the balance of power. CLYDE: What power? TEACH: Between the Brits and the Spanish. If it wasn't for me, ye'd be

speakin' Castilian.

13

BY MARSHA GRANT

BONNIE: What difference would it make? It's a regular Tower of Babble out there. (crosses to kitchen.) Where's Ma?

CLYDE: (Sits in chair.) Went to get us some vittles. BONNIE: Our houseguests already loaded up the icebox. TEACH: Didn't refurbish the liquor, though. BONNIE: (Crosses to Teach.) You drink too much, Teach. TEACH: And ye talk too much, Bonnie, m'love. CLYDE: Will you two quit squabblin'. We got to make plans. BONNIE: If they don't leave, can I blow 'em away? TEACH: Cross that bridge if we come to it. Let's go find Ma. I'm plumb

outta whiskey. (BLACKOUT.)

ACT ONE, SCENE 3 That night; LOW LIGHT on stage to illuminate the ghostly figures of TEACH, BONNIE, CLYDE, and MA BARKER who are moving around the room rattling chains, banging pots, and moaning. BONNIE: Watch it Teach. You almost tripped me. TEACH: Then move your bloomin' arse! (Rattle, rattle.) BONNIE: Blow it out your ear. I need a drink. (Exits kitchen.) TEACH: That lass has got a mouth like Anne Bonney. (Rattle, rattle.) CLYDE: Friend of yours? (Bang, bang.) TEACH: A righteous feminist, a plague to God-fearin' folk--the scourge of

the Caribbean. (rattle, rattle.) MA: Should of stayed home, tendin' her family like God meant her to do.

(moan.) TEACH: You ain't got no call to be handin' out advice, Ma. Bumped off

two husbands... MA: Just the second one. Never got around to divorcing the first. CLYDE: (laughing.) And ran the biggest gang of cut-throat thieves and

killers either side of the Mississippi. MA: (Stretches out on sofa.) Had to make a livin' somehow. TEACH: So did we all. Where'd ye snitch this rot-gut? (Rattle, rattle.) MA: Some old coot on the eastern shore was sellin' it cheap. I didn't figure

you'd know the difference after all this time. (Moan.) TEACH: Ma, I'll be able to discern the difference between rot-gut and good

Scotch whiskey if I live to be a thousand. (sits in the chair.) MA: You ain't alive. (Moan.) TEACH: Don't rub it in. Anyway, when have ye ever worried about what

somethin' cost? It ain't like ye paid for it. (rattle, rattle.) MA: I'll have you know, I was a respectable woman. Old habits die hard.

(moan.) TEACH: Old habits ain't your problem. Ye just never learned to appreciate

the finer things-- good scotch whiskey, Irish rye, or the pure pleasure of

14

GHOST STORY

Jamaican rum. For all your high-fallutin' airs, ye raised a passel of riff-raff. Peasants--the lot of you! (rattle, rattle.)

MA: (ticked off.) Then why do you hang around? It ain't like you was invited.

TEACH: I fancy the view. BONNIE: (entering from kitchen.) Those ladies must be dead to the

world. Gotta hype it, boys. (They do so.) CARO: (Offstage.) Mother? (The ghosts get quiet and listen.) EVE: (Offstage.) What's up, Caro. I'm asleep. CARO: (Offstage.) Somebody's downstairs. EVE: (Offstage.) You're dreaming. CARO: (offstage.) No, I'm not. I'll go see… (TEACH, BONNIE and MA

exit the kitchen, CLYDE hides in the trunk.) EVE: (Offstage.) Be careful. CARO: (appears on the steps wearing a bathrobe and holds a flashlight

that she shines around the room.) (to herself.) Must have been dreaming. (starts back upstairs when she hears a sneeze. She cautiously opens the kitchen door, screams, and backs away.) Who... who, are you?

TEACH: (enters and makes a courtly bow.) Edward Teach at your service, ma'am. Course there's some that call me Thatch, some that call me Drummond. But what's in a name... piracy's my game.

CARO: What are you doing here? TEACH: Hiding from ye, dear lady. CARO: You nearly gave me a heart attack. What's with the costume? Is

this some kind of Halloween stunt? TEACH: I assure ye this be no stunt. CARO: How did you get in? (crosses R.) I distinctly remember locking

the doors... TEACH: (moves C behind sofa.) Did ye now? Well, ye might say I...

materialized. CARO: Sure you did. Next thing you'll be telling me, you're a ghost. TEACH: I've been called worse. EVE: (appears on the steps wearing her bathrobe.) Are you all right,

Caro? Who are you talking to? CARO: Some crazy dressed in a pirate costume. EVE: Have you called the police? TEACH: Now, ma'am, that ain't necessary... EVE: Caro, run to the car. I'll be right behind you. (Runs to front door.) CARO: Don't panic, mother. He seems harmless enough. TEACH: Harmless as a dew drop... EVE: (Opens the front door.) C'mon, Caro. Let's get out of here. CLYDE: (Jumps up out of the trunk and yells.) BOO! EVE: (Screams, then calms down.) Where did you come from? CLYDE: (Matter of fact.) Texas.

15

BY MARSHA GRANT

EVE: You got a smart mouth, young man. Who are you and what are you doing here? (CARO turns on the lamp and LIGHTS COME UP.) Good heavens, you're all covered with blood!

CLYDE: G-men. Made a mess of it, didn't they? (Climbs out of trunk.) EVE: (Crosses to the phone.) I'm calling the cops. CLYDE: (Grabs the phone out of her hands.) No, you don't! CARO: (takes the phone from CLYDE and turns to EVE.) Relax, mother.

It's probably just a fraternity stunt. Okay, guys. You've had your fun. Party's over. Now leave... vamoose, or we will call the cops.

CLYDE: (Pulls his gun.) I ain't goin' nowhere. EVE: Look out, Caro, he's got a gun. (CARO grabs the gun and knees

CLYDE in the groin. He screams and doubles over the back of the sofa onto the cushions.) Way to go! Where did you learn to do that?

CARO: TV. This looks like a museum relic. Where did you get it? CLYDE: (In a strained voice.) It's a Colt 45--the fastest gun in the west. CARO: Not without the bullets. Mother, it's not even loaded. BONNIE: (enters from kitchen.) Jigs up, boys. They don't scare as easy

as you thought. (she sidles over to CLYDE.) Don't you recognize us? EVE: Should we? BONNIE: Didn't you see the movie? CARO: What movie? BONNIE: Ah, forget it. Come on Clyde. We're wasting our time. Let's hit

the road. CLYDE: Stay where you are, Bonnie. I ain't movin' from this spot. EVE: Bonnie and Clyde, huh. Cute. Real cute. Well, you've had your

fun. Now git! TEACH: Ye heard the lady, Clyde. MA: (enters from kitchen.) Not so fast, Teach. We was here first. Got

squatter's rights. EVE: (Stunned.) And who are you supposed to be? MA: Mrs. Barker, ma'am. Arizona Donnie Clark Barker. But you can call

me Kate. EVE: The infamous Ma Barker, I presume. MA: You got it. EVE: (Sarcastically.) Where are your boys? MA: Well, Herman and Freddie is back in Tulsa. As for Lloyd and Doc,

cain't rightly say. They took off awhile back... EVE: Out robbing banks, I suppose. No. (Points to BONNIE and

CLYDE.) That's what you two did. CLYDE: Among other things. MA: My boys did their share. Pulled a few kidnappin's, too. Maybe you

recall readin' about 'em. EVE: Can't say that I do.

16

GHOST STORY MA: Well, it was probably before your time. Them boys always was

headstrong, even when they was young'uns. (crosses UC behind sofa towards EVE.) If you have boys, you know what I mean.

EVE: Just a daughter, so I don't know... MA: That her? (points at CARO. EVE nods.) Pretty thing, ain't she? Bet

she never give you no trouble. EVE: There were times... now stop it! Who are you, really? And what are

you all doing here? BONNIE: You said that already. CARO: Mother tends to repeat herself when she gets nervous. MA: Mind if I sit down? Swollen ankles, bad back... cain't stay on my feet

too long. (EVE just glares at her, so MA shoves BONNIE and CLYDE off the sofa and stretches out on it. BONNIE sits on the hassock and CLYDE moves UL.) Ah, that's better.

EVE: Don't get too comfortable. (Picks up the phone receiver.) CLYDE: I wouldn't do that if I was you. EVE: Why not? You planning to hold us hostage with an unloaded pistol? CLYDE: Nah, we don't do that no more. EVE: This game you're playing has gone on long enough. I'm calling the

authorities. BONNIE: Waste of time. CARO: Why? BONNIE: Cause when they get here, we'll be gone. CARO: You won't get far. In those outfits you'll stick out like sore thumbs. TEACH: Can't track a man who don't leave footprints. CARO: What are you talking about? TEACH: Us. Bonnie, Clyde, Ma, and me. We don't leave footprints. CARO: Oh, I see. You'll just float away... like butterflies. MA: More like ghosts. EVE: Like ghosts. (Hangs up the receiver.) MA: You got it. CARO: You're ghosts. BONNIE: Yep. CARO: (UC behind sofa.) And I'm Hillary Clinton. What hospital did you

all escape from? CLYDE: She don't believe us, Bonnie. BONNIE: They never do. EVE: Then I take it this isn't the first time. TEACH: Nope. I'm an ancient mariner. Ma and the gruesome twosome

are what we call new spirits. Only been around about seventy years. EVE: But you're an old one. TEACH: About 300 years. EVE: Three hundred years. BONNIE: She's repeating herself again.

17

BY MARSHA GRANT

EVE: I can't believe we're standing here holding a conversation with four escapees from Bedlam. Do something, Caro. Please!

CARO: Look guys. We've had a busy day. If you just leave quietly, we'll forget we ever saw you.

MA: Got to hand it to you, ma'am. You got the place lookin' right smart. I used to run a boarding house back in Oklahoma, but never could get the boys to pick up after themselves, and Bonnie's just as bad. You'd think she'd have larned a few homemaking tricks, but guess she never stayed in one place long enough...

EVE: Robbing banks does keep one on the run. BONNIE: You better believe it. MA: Still, you got it purty easy now-a-days, what with runnin' water 'at

comes right into the wash tub... don't have to haul it from the well... ice boxes that don't need ice...

CLYDE: Cut the act, Ma. You ain't no country hick. MA: Teach thinks I am. CLYDE: Teach is a snob. TEACH: Privateer, adventurer... BONNIE: Pirate. TEACH: Venture capitalist. So, what's the plan, mates? CARO: What plan? TEACH: Are ye ladies willing to depart peaceably, and leave this quaint

abode to them that found it first, or do we keep up the moaning. (the ghosts all moan loudly.)

EVE: Not on your life! TEACH: Then we have what ye'd call a stalemate. EVE: I don't think so. (goes to the phone and dials 911.) Hello? My

daughter and I are renting the cottage at 634 Wisteria Lane, and we've been invaded... well, I don't mean invaded exactly... there are four loonies sitting here in the parlor dressed in Halloween costumes and they won't leave........................................ No, this is not a frat party and I'm not drunk!...................................... My name? My name is... uh... Evelyn Smith................. Yes, I'd appreciate it. Thank you very much. (hangs up.) The cops will be here in a few minutes. Now, you can leave before they get here, or stick around and get arrested. I don't care which. I'm going back to bed. Coming Caro?

CARO: I'll wait down here and let them in... (She stares pointedly at the ghosts.) or out. Whichever. (EVE exits up the steps as CARO turns off the table lamp.) BLACKOUT ACT I, Scene 4 [The next morning. There's a knock at the front door. EVE enters from the steps, decides to ignore it and crosses to the kitchen. The knock comes

18

GHOST STORY again, louder and more persistent. She crosses to the front door, opens it a crack.] FLO: (Pushing her way in.) Mornin' neighbor! (Hands Eve another basket.) Tomatoes and cukes, fresh picked this morning. EVE: This is very thoughtful, Ms McDougal-- Flo. You really shouldn’t have. FLO: No trouble. What was all the ruckus last night? EVE: Ruckus? FLO: Cops, lights, sirens... EVE: Oh, that. FLO: Somebody break in? EVE: Sort of. FLO: Anybody hurt? EVE: No. FLO: Did they catch them? EVE: No. FLO: Too bad. (Looking around.) What do you think they were after? EVE: This place. FLO: What? EVE: Ms McDougal-- Flo, I didn't get much sleep last night... FLO: I'm not surprised. Listen, I won't keep you. Just wanted to make

sure you were all right. EVE: Thanks. I appreciate your concern. (Flo turns to leave.) Please--I

didn't mean to be so abrupt. Would you like a cup of coffee? It's fresh made.

FLO: That would be lovely, if it's not too much trouble. EVE: No trouble. Have a seat. (FLO sits on the sofa as EVE crosses to

kitchen.) Caro, it's Flo. Come join us and bring the coffee tray. (to FLO.) These are luscious tomatoes. You grow them yourself?

FLO: Just a small salad garden, a couple of fruit trees, and my flowers, of course. It's about all I can manage these days.

EVE: Still, it must take a lot of work. Have you lived here a long time? FLO: All my life. Raised two boys here. Husband passed away a few

years ago. Used to be a crab man, but when he got on in years, he ran a charter--taking tourists out fishing on the bay.

EVE: Sounds like fun. (sits in chair and places basket on coffee table.) Where are your sons now?

FLO: Nation's Capitol. Work for the government. Something to do with computers.

EVE: Don't we all. FLO: Excuse me? EVE: What I meant was that everybody seems to work with computers

these days.

19

BY MARSHA GRANT

FLO: I wouldn't know about those things. Guess they come in handy for writers, though.

EVE: And bookkeepers. (CARO enters with a coffee tray, crosses to coffee table, sits and pours during the following.)

CARO: Morning Flo. You're up bright and early. What beautiful tomatoes. Did you grow them yourself?

FLO: I just put 'em in the ground. God did the rest. CARO: Good answer. Cream? Sugar? FLO: Just black, thank you. CARO: I guess you're wondering about all the excitement last night. FLO: Burglars, I take it. Not a pleasant welcome to St Mary's, I must say.

This is always been a quiet community. More action out on the bay than in town--Coast Guard looking for drug smugglers, drunken parties trying to stay afloat... Can't recall the last time anybody got robbed. Was it kids?

CARO: No, they were... somewhat older. FLO: How many? CARO: Four. FLO: My goodness! I bet you were scared to death. The important thing

is, you weren't hurt. Can't imagine what they hoped to find. (laughs.) Unless you're hiding a stash of diamonds under the mattress.

EVE: Not even a gold bar or two. We've got nothing here that anybody could possibly want.

CARO: Except us. (FLO looks puzzled as CARO crosses to the hassock with her coffee and sits.) Flo, remember you were telling us about this place being haunted...

FLO: Just rumors. Folks who have nothing better to do with their time than spin tall tales.

CARO: It may not be just a rumor. FLO: Really? Why do you say that? CARO: They didn't leave footprints. FLO: Who didn't leave footprints? CARO: The burglars. By the time the police got here they had vanished. FLO: Did you see which way they went? CARO: They didn't go anywhere. They just vanished. Poof! Into thin air. FLO: Really? CAR: Mother, should we tell her? EVE: She'll think we're nuts, but go ahead. FLO: What are you talking about? CARO: Ghosts. FLO: You're kidding? EVE: Nope, we think our uninvited guests were ghosts. FLO: (laughing.) It's all my fault. I shouldn't have put those crazy ideas in

your head.

20

GHOST STORY CARO: The police thought we were crazy, too. They dusted for

fingerprints and couldn't find any but ours. Checked the damp soil outside the house and couldn't find a single footprint. I thought they were going to make us take a Breathalyzer test.

FLO: How curious. Well, it's a good bet they won't be back. CARO: Trouble is, all that ruckus last night brought attention to the fact

that we're here. We're supposed to be in hiding. FLO: What on earth for? CARO: Well, we could be in danger. FLO: From who? EVE: Caro, I don't think you should say anymore. FLO: Say what? EVE: She has two sons working for the Government. CARO: They're the good guys, remember? EVE: Still... FLO: My dears, if you're in some kind of trouble, I'd like to help. There's

not much that goes on around here that I don't know about. Folks will tell you, I'm just naturally nosy.

EVE: Well... FLO: But I understand if you don't want to talk about it. After all, we just

met--practically strangers, you might say. Takes times to build trust... EVE: It's not that we don't trust you... FLO: But you're reluctant to confide in me. That's perfectly natural... EVE: It's not that... FLO: Now, I don't reckon you're hiding from the law, or you wouldn't have

called the cops So, it must be something else. CARO: Yes, you might say so. FLO: Is it possible... could it be... I know this is silly... but, by any chance,

are you in the witness protection program? No, don't tell me, cause I'm not supposed to know. (CARO and EVE exchange a knowing look.) Who are you hiding from? No, don't tell me...

CARO: Yuppies in business suits. FLO: Humor! That's the ticket. Gotta keep up your spirits. (beat.) Are

you in mortal danger? CARO: I hope not, but the F.B.I. felt we would be safer hiding out until the

trial. FLO: What trial? No, don't tell me; I'm not supposed to know. (beat.) Is it

the Mafia? EVE: No, it's not the Mafia. The bad guys are respectable businessmen,

at least they were. FLO: Are they dead? EVE: Don't I wish, but after they were indicted, the scumbags were

released on their own recognizance. They've probably skipped the country by now.

21

BY MARSHA GRANT

FLO: But you're not sure. And chances are, they could be looking for you. (beat.) What did these scumbags do? No, don't tell me...

EVE: They robbed people of their life savings. FLO: How awful! Who would do such a thing? No, don't tell me... (beat.)

it's the Envigoron scandal, isn't it? I read all about it in the papers. Hanging is too good for those crooks. When I think of all those poor people bilked out of their hard earned money...

CARO: But thanks to my mother, they'll soon be behind bars--we hope. FLO: God Bless you, Eve. How did you do it? No, don't tell me; I'm not

supposed to know. What's important is that people will get their money back.

EVE: Don't count on it. By the time the lawyers and major investment companies take their chunk out of Envigoron's assets, the individual stockholder, like you and me, will be lucky to get a dime on the dollar.

FLO: Oh, that's so sad. CARO: (replaces her cup on the tray, crosses R of sofa and sits on the

arm.) But the conniving CEO and his henchmen have millions stashed away that nobody can touch.

FLO: Won't do them any good in jail. EVE: Oh, they'll be out in a few years, providing that's where they end up.

It's more likely they'll just be fined a gargantuan amount that will cover attorney fees and court costs, sentenced to time served, and be released to do their dirty work all over again.

FLO: It sounds so cut and dried. Why do they need your testimony? EVE: I'm witness to the fact that the books were doctored to cover short

falls, and the orders came down directly from the top. FLO: Who knew about it besides you? EVE: Everybody, but I'm the one who tattled. It's not a nice world we live

in. FLO: Then maybe you should move to another safe house. CARO: (stands.) No way! We just got this place cleaned up. I'm not doing

it again. FLO: But if someone comes... maybe with a gun... CARO: One of them had a gun. An unloaded Colt 45. FLO: Who did? CARO: Clyde Barrow. FLO: I'm confused. I thought we were talking about Envigoron. EVE: We were. FLO: Then who's Clyde? CARO: One of the ghosts. FLO: What ghosts? EVE: The burglars. FLO: I don't understand. EVE: Neither do we. CARO: The pirate had a knife in his boot.

22

GHOST STORY FLO: What pirate? CARO: Blackbeard. FLO: You know their names? EVE: Oh, yes, they were very polite. Up to a point. FLO: Did you tell the police? CARO: Are you kidding? 'Just thought you'd like to know, officers, our

burglars were Bonnie Parker, Clyde Barrow, Ma Barker, and Edward Teach. But, on the other hand, they might be hit men under contract to Envigoron, masquerading in Halloween costumes.' The cops would have locked us up.

FLO: You're not kidding, are you? CARO: Nope. Do you think we're crazy? The police have written us off as

a couple of hysterical females. FLO: Well, where there's smoke... Did you touch them? I mean, were they

solid, like flesh and blood, or apparitions... ectoplasm? CARO: Oh, they were solid all right. Clyde yelled bloody murder when I

kneed him in the groin. FLO: You did what? EVE: Flo, meet my daughter, the karate kid. FLO: Well, we need to make some plans... just in case. If Envigoron does

send a hit man after you, he'll be using real bullets. CARO: This is all so silly. You'd think we were characters in a Grisham

novel. I'm sure we'll be all right. (picks up coffee cups and removes the tray and basket to the kitchen.)

FLO: Nevertheless, I think you should arm yourselves. (pantomimes.) I'm a crack shot with a BB gun. Keep in practice by knocking those pesky pigeons off the bird feeder.

EVE: No guns. I'll take my chances with the fireplace poker. FLO: Each to his own. Now, let's get down to brass tacks. I'll call my

boys. (crosses to phone.) EVE: No! (crosses U to stop FLO from using the phone.) Don't call your

boys, or anyone else for that matter. The fewer people who know we're here, the safer we'll be.

FLO: You sure? EVE: We'll be fine. I promise you. CARO: (enters from kitchen.) Besides, we've got a secret weapon if we

need it. FLO: What's that? CARO: The ghosts. BLACKOUT

23

BY MARSHA GRANT

We hope that this sample script proved useful. If we may be of further service do not hesitate to contact us at:

Heuer publishing llc 211 first avenue se

Cedar rapids, iowa 52401

1-800-950-7529

24