german invasion final oct

8/3/2019 German Invasion Final Oct

1/21

[HELLs HOST]

[Episode I]

PILOT EPISODE - GERMAN INVASION]

By

Gwynn Earl, Leigh Middleton, Nadia Barbat,Timothy Poultney, Michael Mortimer, Barret Pitner

Version - 14/10/2011


2/21

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INTRO AND TITLE SEQUENCE:

(We are immediately introduced to a scrappy and grumpylooking man with ratty ginger hair and a large fishbowlstuck on his head, screaming at the television.)

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWIT

Catch 22! Dark side of the moon! TheHorror! Galileo. Galileo. Figaroo!Magnificoo! They tried to make me go torehab.. Back to Black.. Back and to theleft.. Back and.. to the future

(Harry trips over the chord of the heater. He falls to the

floor and pushing against the chest of draws, knocks thefishbowl resting on top- which falls over his head. At thisinstance lightning strikes the house and Harrys vision isaltered through the warped glass, changing the room aroundhim, amidst strange hellish visions - faces cry out in painamong patterns on the wall, words re-arrange themselvesinto eerie messages, and odd psychadelic patterns appear)

NARRATOR

Meet Harry Graham Buckwit. A grumpy and

unlovable man whos spent decadestrapped in a bubble of paranoia.

But his pessimistic life view is aboutto be VALIDATED by a FREAK INCIDENT

which bestows on him the annoyinglyuseless ability to perceive the unseen

world BEYOND that of the five humansenses, and thus become HOST to HELLS

most infernal tortures, creatures andtraps.


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EPISODE BEGINS:

FADE IN:

EXT: SMEAR ST, DAGS HEAD

Pan along Harrys street. Close up of self standing house.

NARRATOR

Turns out the schizophrenics and geekyinternet conspiracists were right..Something was going on.. But it was

worse than any of them had imagined.

The secret messages coming from the TV,

heavy metal songs played backwards andsecret codes in DaVinci paintings allpointed to one thing a complex

mindbending puzzle that willtemporarily be known as World WarThree. Fought not with guns or bombsbut INSIDE the human mind..

And like all the world wars....it would all begin,.. thanks to anunwarranted German Invasion.

EPIDODE 1 GERMAN INVASION

INT: BUCKWIT RESIDENCE, UNKNOWN TIME

Open with a dull zone of twilight, the only illuminationin the room comes from the TV in the corner of the room.In an ashtray on the table, a lighted spliff smokes andburns away slowly, beside it, a satchel of marijuana.Various horror movie relics, strange tomes (Amidst anarray of mediocre books) line the shelves among otheroccult items, and a bong. There is also an X-files 'I

want to believe' poster and Edward Munchs The screamreplica visible on the wall. Harry, (without fish-bowl)stares out the partially opened curtain.


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HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITWhat the fuck was that?

TELEVISION SHOWI think theres something out thereJaney..

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITIts probably just the wind.

TELEVISION SHOWI dont know Mike.. It doesnt soundlike the wind.

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITThe wind can sound pretty ambiguousthough.. Thats the whole point of th..

TELEVISION PRESENTER

Oh God Janey.. What if its terrorists?

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITWhat? In dags head?.. N.. I doubt it..

TELEVISION PRESENTER(Upset) Or rioters or looters. It couldbe anything??

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITMaybe just some hooligans of some sort.

TELEVISION PRESENTERPirates? Bankers? Corrupt cops? Drugcartels?. Vikings? Mormons?Theyre all out to get you Harry

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITOh God.. What if its Wait. Why am Italking to the Television???

TELEVISION PRESENTERBecause you have no else to talk to.


Hrmmm..

TELEVISION PRESENTER(Tone change) More internal monologueafter the break.

TELEVISION PRESENTERAre you tired of the same ol same ol?


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HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITYikes! Thats me alright!

TELEVISION PRESENTERHankering.. For a bit of old fashioned.CHANGE???

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITHmmmm. I dont really like change very

much..

TELEVISION PRESENTERAre you tired of being buzzed onfacebook, in the middle of a tweet,regarding a recent tumblir post youre

writing about your new iphone app?


I AM tired of smug marketing twatspretending theyre my friend.. withshit-on-your-face positive outlooksabout the new world..

TELEVISION PRESENTERWhat if I said that you could have allof the stresses of your life in oneconvenient place?

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITId say... put it as far away from meas possible.

TELEVISION PRESENTERHow about a social networking site the

wife, kids, whole damn family can use?

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITWell thats presumptuous. I could be agay, transvestite prostitute for allyou know. As it happens Im just alonely, technophobic generation Xthrowback loser, stuck in the year1995, in desperate need of a haircut,

and a girlfriend, with no hope for thefuture.. Wishing I was dead

HARRY GRAHAM BUCKWITBut thanks for asking. (sigh) Ouch.Life sucks..

What time does the football start?


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An hour!Thankyou God and world! Thankyou very

much! Thankyou so much you biginvisible rapist! (Shaking fist at sky)Heeeeeerrrghh

What annoying twist have you got for menext M.Night Shamylan??

(CAMERA ZOOMS INTO HARRY'S EYE then deep throughtwisting caverns into the depths of his brain...Here we find TEQUILA THE TICK and FLUKE theFLUKEWORM in discussion.)

INT: BRAIN

TEQUILAOh cruel fate! Its the worse thing youcan possibly imagine! Whark. Whark.Whark.

FLUKEOmigawd! whats happened?

TEQUILAOh sweaty shit creeping out of my ass!

FLUKEWhat IS IT? Wall street Crash? A newreality cooking show?

TEQUILA

Oh sweet cock of the Lord! Its toohorrible to even say!

FLUKEI cant handle this calculated suspenseany longer!!

TEQUILAOh, scent of a thousand shits! Ivejust received a message from HQ!

FLUKEWhat is that like the new ICQ? Ithought you were on facebook?


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TEQUILAHead Quarters you idiot!

FLUKEOmigawd! They divided it into quarters?

TEQUILAIll divide you into quarters youinsolent twit! Whark. Whark. We are at

war! Ive just got a message from themysterious one..

FLUKEThe mysterious who?

TEQUILAThe big fish! The top dog! The kingshit! World War Three is in motion!

This is the frontline! The final battleof Heaven and Hell and purgatory versusNarnia and Wonderland and Oz and..Whark.. Whatever the hell else thereis..

FLUKEWW..W World War Three?

TEQUILAThats right.. You stuttering clich.World War III. They are trying toexterminate the germs. The entireGerman race is in danger of extinction.

FLUKEGasp

TEQUILAGerms like you. Germs like me!!!Better decide where youre allegiancelies soldier! Either you are with us oryou are against them!

FLUKE

Oh no! Who is them?

TEQUILAIts who are they, and this is hardlythe time to ask trivial questions.Where is your German patriotism. Dontyou know it was Germs who did all thegreat things in the world??


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After all. It was Germs who inventedthe pyramids! Germs who founded

America! Germs who invented Punk rock..

FLUKEWell I wouldnt really say they

invented punk rock, but Imdefinitely a Derby Crash over ShaneWest guy What about you?

TEQUILAThey are both idiots And its howabout you, Your grammar isdisgraceful!

FLUKEHey, you leave my grandma out of this!

TEQUILA (WRITING ON PAPER)Look! These are our orders!

(Tequila holds up a piece of paper thatreads:

HIJACK TRAIN OF THOUGHT. STOP.AWAIT FURTHER ORDERS. STOP

FLUKE (CAMERA FOCUSSED ON HI JACK)Whos Jack?? I think maybe weve beengiven the wrong orders, hon.

TEQUILAYou opiated mass of cellular tissue!Dont you understand?? We are soldierson the frontline of the war to end all

wars!! We are entrusted with the sacredtask of hijacking the humans train ofthought to seize control.

(aside)..Boo haha.. And then I willfinally have the power to TAKE OVER THEUNIVERSE!!!

FLUKEDo you mean like literally the Trainof thought?? Isnt that a bitabstract?

TEQUILAWhat did I tell you about thinkingoutside the box


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FLUKEUm.. That its an expression onlysquares use..

TEQUILAWell do you see any squares around

here?

FLUKEIm not quite sure what youre gettingat? Youre not lying to me again areyou?

TEQUILA(Aside) Hes onto me. (To fluke) Look.(Tequila jumps forward and cuts of histesticles with a knife) There! Now doyou believe that I am sincere??

This is a call to arms!

FLUKE(Crying) Sob sob. But I dont havearms..

TEQUILA

Not much brains either. Huh?

FLUKEWhat do you mean not much brains?

TEQUILAExactly! Hahaha Not just a pretty faceif you know what I mean.. Haha.. Noteven a pretty face.. hahaha

FLUKE(Indignant) Actually. Lots of peoplehave told me I could be a model.

TEQUILAAhahahah.. Your sixteen mothers maybe!Whark whark whark. A model car more

like! A model... A mod...Hrmm.. Notyour best Tequila.. C'mon, we've got atrain to catch..Whark whark.

FLUKEOk So er when is the train due?


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TEQUILAHang on. Let me check my iphone.(Tequila pulls out and shakes whatappears to be an eyeball floating informaldahyde) hrmmm.. (Detailed closeup of eye in jar..)

FLUKEOmigawd.. Youre still using the iphonethree?? (I accept cheques from SteveJobs replacement.)

TEQUILAShh Wait.. Can you hear the humansthinking? Theyre thinking exactly what

were saying right now!! (Looks aroundand at screen).. The train of thought

must be here NOW!

Move out soldiers! Bogeys up NOSE atT99! Charlies going mental on 6 gramrocks! Hold for more violent torpedoesof truth.MOVE OUT! Whark. Whark. Whark.

(The pair don bandito masks and move off screen. Fade out toHarrys APT.)

TELEVISIONIs this the real life.. Or is this justfantasy.. were cau

(HARRY CHANGES CHANNEL)

TELEVISIONAre you tired of bandaid solutions t..?

(HARRY CHANGES CHANNEL)Get more out of your day with new..?

(HARRY CHANGES CHANNEL)

HARRYCmon football.. Cmon Escapism

TELEVISIONHow do you feel about environmentalchange?

HARRYI like theyre old stuff..


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TELEVISIONNatural trends seem to have taken aturn for the worse lately

HARRYI know how they feel..

TELEVISIONWhere exactly will humanity be in thenext thirty years??

HARRYTaken care of I hope.. Nature took careof those big ugly lizards.. Didnt it??

TELEVISIONWhat will you tell your children andgrandchildren about Global warming..

HARRYIll say listen kid. You want to know

why the ICE CAPS are melting?

(Harry takes a puff of a joint andlooks at his reflection in the circularashtray in front of him giving theimpression of his head in a bubble.)

When youre older youll probablyexperiment with some drugs and you

might reach the conclusion that we areall one consciousness dreaming itself.One big idiotic consciousness. You. Me.The planet. All one. An ocean ofhumanity falling in on itself,sometimes soaring up into the sky withour achievements... And sometimesfalling.. Raining down in failure...

And unable to handle the consequencesof your new insights.. Failure is

exactly where you can expect the restof your life to be focussed..

You see kid.. You are a drip

That's why the icecaps are melting.DRIPS like yourself and every otherDRIP and DROP OUT watching this DRIBBLE


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all melting into the gloomy puddle oftommorrow... Back to the primordialslime.

Another life.

Another stain on the vast cosmiccollective un-consciousness.

Mrk.. whark whark..What are you talking about Fluke?Quick hold this pistol?

Schleurk..

Huh? I didnt say that did I?

Here it comes now.. O wow o wow ow..Wait.. somethings

gotta getth

BLAM

(Cut to a small train plodding along with TEQUILA at the

wheel wearing a train drivers hat, and FLUKE crammed innext to him (Really crammed in.) In the background a NerveCell paces back and forth, smoking a cigarette to calmitself down and talking to itself.)

NERVE CELL

Somethings going on here! Cantanybody see somethings going on??Theyre not telling us something! The

walls are closing in!.. (SCREAMS)Arrghhhhhhhh!!!

TEQUILA (SINGING)

Arrrs.. shole, A soldier went to war...Fu.. Ckyou, For curiosity..To fight for the old cunt... Fight forthe old cunt.. Fight for the oldcountry...


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PERCOPOP??? (Tequila offers fluke acocaine laced lollipop.)

FLUKEThanks. Im trying to cut down on

sweets.

TEQUILAIts laced with cocaine you pussy! Havesome.

FLUKENo thanks. I dont want any.

TEQUILAAre you gonna be a pussy for the restof you life!!

FLUKEIm camp. I dont need to prove my

manhood to anyone..

TEQUILAListen fag! You may be a queer but thatdoesnt mean youre allowed just not tobe a man.. And being a man meanssuccumbing to peer pressure from thealpha male.. So eat up..

FLUKE

Dont be so vicious

TEQUILAThats it! Youre goin down!

FLUKE

(Scared) yaaaaah!

TEQUILA(Train jumps). Oh shit! I dropped itinto the unconscious!

FLUKE

The what? (Looks over the side)

TEQUILAStop! Dont look!

(Lollipop drops into the void)(Shot of the unconscious)


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FLUKEOh my God! What a hideous sight! Itlooks like... modern art...

Hold me Tequila. Im scared..

TEQUILAOh no you dont! You raging homo! Idont play it that way. Im asexual youknow

(suddenly he begins to multiply)

See!

SON OF TEQUILA (GROWING)Im going to be just like you mamapapa?(Cats in the cradle begins to play).

What Im feeling like dad is to borrowthe carkeys.. See you later can I havethem please. Maybe Ill drop you a lineif I can find the time. My god Im soooold.

(Shot of the whole group overwhelmed with emotion, withTequilas new son in the back of the carriage)

SON OF TEQUILAMind if I come along?

FLUKEWhere the hell are we going anyway?

TEQUILASob. Sob. I dont know. This controlsystem is so complicated!

(Tequila looks down at the control panel which is like anold nokia phone. The game snake is superimposed overHarrys head. As the snake moves around the screen Harrysbody begins to jerk with the movements of the train.)

FLUKEWhere are we supposed to take the trainof thought now?

TEQUILAHuh? I dont know? I guess we just haveto try and keep it going around inspace without hitting the edges.


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FLUKEHey I think were making him move..

TEQUILAWow! Thats great! Lets see if we can

make him stand up!

(HARRY STANDS UP)

TEQUILA, FLUKE AND TRUCKWhoop whoop whoop!

FLUKEWow.. This is pretty cool

TEQUILAHey Im gonna see if I can make him

walk somewhere..

FLUKEYeah!!!

HARRY(Walking unwittingly).. Ach.. Methinksthis unwitting turn about the room..Does bode some message of forebodingdoom..

TEQUILAHey.. Whats with the poetry am Iright? I feel like Im in an episode of

Shakesfield.

FLUKEHahaha..

TEQUILAOoh.. Hey we should cut to a clip ofSEINFELD in old shakesperian costume

making jokes in like a.. old timey kindof slang hahaha

FLUKEMyehhh

That is so family guy..

TEQUILAWhat? No way!..

SON OF TEQUILAI used to hate family guy. But then I


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guess I sort of got into it. But youknow in retrospect I think the writers

were just deadshit crackers who rodeoff the political incorrectness ofSouth Park to promote an insular,hateful, bigoted point of view, in abland, repetitive format..

FLUKEWhats with that guy..

TEQUILAHuh.. I dont know.. Uh-oh were headinginto the senselessly intellectualregions of the brain..

HARRYI feel that perhaps I am going insane.

TEQUILAWere trapped in poetry, drifting awayfrom our goal. Argh! My gawd. Wereswerving out of control!!

HARRYThe things I see!In this blasted TV!More signs of strange ill portent..Ten die in tragic plane accident..Dancing, romancing.. Pauline fucking

Hanson!.. Intervention.. Newdimension.. Someone tell me please..Why people like to think they are bigcheese??

FLUKEWhen most are rats..

TEQUILAAnd some are cats..

HARRYAnd some are fucking FLEAS.

(THE TRAIN CRASHES THE ROOM SHAKES AND DISTORTS..)

OUCH!!!

(Harry stands up and now we have a reprise of the firstscene where Harry trips over the heater, and winds up witha fishbowl on his head.. He stands up and looks about withthe fishbowl on his head.. and now sees Fluke and Tequila


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on the TV screen walking out of the train wreck.)

NARRATORAnd thats how it happened. Harrysworst nightmare came true. The footballwas cancelled for some pretentious

animated bullshit.

HARRYWhat the hell is happening to thetelevision? Oh god its like videodromeisnt it.

INT: Television/Harrys brain:

TEQUILAWhoops!

FLUKE(Opening eyes slowly) Is it over??

TEQUILAFluke my friend. I have a feeling thisis merely the beginning..

FLUKEDo you think he can see us.

TEQUILAI dont know.. Hrmm..

FLUKEWhat? What?

TEQUILAWell.. It seems that the well known

mystical properties of lightning havecoincided with the wet power chordaround his leg.. Acting as a sort ofconductor.. Thus rendering.. any kindof nearby glass object.. (In thisinstance a fishbowl) into a device

which enables the viewing of extraspacial, ultra violet light that cantnormally be seen, and other worlds..otherwise inaccessible to the humansenses.

FLUKEYou mean he can see us.


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(Harry edges slowly towards the television aghast.

HARRYArgh!!!. Theyre inside my head!!

(Terrifed and bewildered Harry begins an assortment of

efforts to remove the fishbowl from his head. Hitting itagainst the wall. Pulling at it. And hitting it with ahammer.)

TEQUILAIm afraid so. (Aside) Hrmm.. This isan unexpected turn of events..

FLUKEWell. What are we going to do now??

TEQUILAWhat? Oh.. I dont know. Wait for more

orders I suppose.

FLUKEOrders from who?

TEQUILA (WRITING)Huh? Er Wait.. I think somethingscoming in now

FLUKEBut your just

TEQUILA (WRITING)Shh. Im channeling the powers at be.Its like a ouija board..

(He shows Fluke the piece of paper)IT READS:

GO HOME AND PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO.STOP.VAGINA JOKES ARENT FUNNY. STOP.

FLUKE

Hey.. WaitIsnt it Vagina jokes arent funny.Period?

TEQUILAOh god. Im friends with The critic.(Does Jay Sherman impersonation) Itstinks. It stinks


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(Harry watches the roof of his house start to peel away andgigantic monstrosities floating about in abstract space. Hescreams..)

HARRYArrrrrgggghhhhhhhh!!! Get this thing

off me..

(A long pair of wobbly snakelike arms reach into harryshead and various hands and claws can be seen fiddling withdifferent pieces of equipment in the control centre of hisbrain, fighting for control.. He is slowly subdued.)

(RETURN TO PARASITES IN FLAMING ANARCHIC SURROUNDINGS)

FLUKEThis whole adventure is another one of

your crazy drawn out lies isnt it?Like that time you told me the floor

was made of lava, and I stood on achair for three days.. or when you saidthat Snakes on a plane was a great

movie and I should go and see it, andthen I went and saw it and it was the

worst movie Ive ever seen..

TEQUILAYoure out of line soldier. Im pendingrequest for your disgracefulresignation.

FLUKE (SUDDENLY PRICKS UP)But I -- Uh oh. Looks like your sonsgone crazy!

SON OF TEQUILA(Pacing madly) That nerve cell wasright. Dont you see it?? Everythingsconnected. Who are you people? Youcant fool me with those disguises!What the hell is dizzy rascal referring

to in that song Bonkers??? (Startssmashing things/ causing a riot/)

TEQUILAOf course hes crazy. This whole damncrazy system is crazy!I cant stand to see him like this.(Blaze) Lets go home.


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FLUKEOh no! Hes destroyed the poetrysection of the brain. Hadnt we betterstop him before he damages somethingimportant?

TEQUILAWhat huh? Are we gonna sit aroundforever afraid to fucking breathebecause we might accidentally damagesomething that we know nothing about???What happened to freedom???

(With this Tequila launches a grenade into the air.. Fluketries to catch it and the grenade passes a few differenthands in a football style play until finally landing slow

motion onto a large pair of drums marked Seretonin andDopamine. As the drums explode Tequila and Fluke exclaim

Uh oh and reality warps into a strange mash up of theinterior of Harrys brain and lounge room. Harry sits nextto Fluke and bad house music plays in the background.)

HARRYYAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Screaming)(then sluddenly becomes placid)

Look at the colours.. Its incredible!!

FLUKE (LARGE PUPILS)

Wow. I am so sorry we totally ruinedyour game. I had no idea it was soimportant to you.

HARRYI understand you weird disgusting earcreature. Lifes tough. Peoplesinterest clash. Youve got to stick toyour guns.

FLUKEOh my god. My tongue tastes like

universe. I think Im overdosing.HARRY

I love you, disgusting worm thing.


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--CUT TO A SHOT OF TEQUILAS SON IN A STRAIGHT JACKET ROCKING BACKAND FORTH AND MUTTERING --

SON OF TEQUILA

Its happening again. Theyre coming.. Theyre

coming. Its coming.. Its.. HERE!!!AARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

TEQUILA(Defeated and paranoid gun in hand)Oh. Its all so clear to me now.Civilisation doomed to an inevitablespiral into stupidity. Let our story godown in history.. Whark whark.. As agroup of brave soldiers who battled

against a gale force wind(SHOOTS HIMSELF)

NARRATOR

YESSIREEE! THEMS WAS THE GREAT GERMAN INVASION OF DAGS HEAD, ITELL YOU JUST AS IT HAPPENED. BUT FRIENDS, THAT WAS ONLY THEBEGGINGIN WILL HARRYS LIFE CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, NOW THAT HE HASHAD A STRANGE MYSTICAL INSIGHT? WILL HE EVER MANAGE TO GET THEFISHBOWL OFF HIS HEAD OR IS HE DESTINED TO BECOME A VIRTUAL COSMICBILLBOARD FOR ALL KINDS OF INTERDIMENSIONAL EVIL. WILL YOUR FUTILELIFE EVER SEEM WORTHWHILE? TO FIND OUT ALL THIS AND MORE YOULLHAVE TO TUNE INTO THE NEXT EPISODE OF HELLS HOST.

ROLL CREDITS:

THE END

german invasion final oct

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