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(continued on page 14)

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14 | ubgeneration.com

(continued from page 11 Not so GREat)

ubgeneration.com | 15

or

by A

lly Balcerzak

16 | ubgeneration.com

Dont Snooze RE-USE!

ubgeneration.com | 17

How do I ask my girlfriend if shed be willing to write my paper for me?

EASY. Just politely ask her to dump you. Too blunt? Okay, well start over. Repeat

after me: My girlfriend is not SparkNotes. Let me ask you a few questions: do you

feed yourself? Do you get dressed every morning all by yourself? Do you have

special machines that put your shoes on for you? (And if you do, can I borrow

them? Because I HATE shoelaces.) I cant assume that youve made it through

college under your own steam, but Ill let you in on something: at UB, professors

and TAs (mostly just TAs, lets be real here) use special software to find cases of

plagiarism. And its actually pretty accurate. Its kind of like Minority Report, ex-

cept youre not Tom Cruise (and really, you should be thankful for that.) And come

on, how bad is writing a paper? You have a cell phone, dont you? Id be willing to

bet youre one of those people who can write a novel in text messages during a

class. Its like that, but about important stuff. Give it a try, Ace.

Should I ride out the recession/depression/end of the world by com-mitting my life to academia and endless debt?

I like to think of myself as a glass-half-full kinda gal, so look at it this way: if the

world ends in 2012 (wasnt there a movie about that? With huge boats?), then

you wont need to worry about the recession/depression/time-for-us-all-to-be-

poor era. You wont ever need to worry about anything. Ever again. But on a

lighter note, Id say that academia is not the best route to choose if youre look-

ing to ride out an economic downturn (this is coming from a grad student. The

irony!). Then again, theres probably no good route to choose right now. Theres

no guarantee of financial safety just because youve got a degree, even if it is in

something totally relevant like 17th Century Swedish Animal Husbandry. I have

a friend who graduated from law school, passed the bar, and is now working at a

gas station. Its not uncommon to have a PhD, an adjunct teaching position, and

a part-time serving job. Ugh, okay, now Im getting depressed. You know what?

Just concentrate on amassing enough food and fresh water to get you through

until December 22, 2012. Ill come over to your house (shack? hovel?) and well

toast the apocalypse together. Ill bring a copy of my perpetually unfinished dis-

sertation for you to read. I think itll really lighten the mood.

18 | ubgeneration.com

Life on Mars: PoemsTracy K. SmithGreywolf Press, 201188 pp., $15.00

If I uproot an eyewhats left? A socket.Forget all your mistakes, and whoevercomes just behind you is a ghost.

One day, all the jostlingstopped on the side of a black chimney; today at leastO chimney, devour me.

Black, round. Your narrow mouthis peeping, and the embarrassed lightinside is moist and cold. Who maintainsthese properties with such care?

The atmosphere is suffocating, suppressed, silent, suppressed; no air, no water;nothing; wipe off whatever mascara you haveand whats in front? Torn hand, torn head, foot!

Dont show all these, you harmful thing!Better if you just uproot the eyesof the young, and of the old.Then whats left? A socket.

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