fwm 2010 05 and 06

� FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 www.familyworks.org

May & June, 2010

APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: [email protected]

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Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]: This major family magazine is published bi-monthly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Coun-ties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 200 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2010 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: [email protected]

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Vicky Smirnoff

3 New Math for a New Economy By Angela Larson

4 TeachingGratitude By Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT

8 Preparing Your Kids Emotionally for College By Julia Rahn, Ph.D

APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs

12Counseling Programs

13 Family Interactive Therapy

14 Support for Individuals

with Special Needs

15 Spelunking Pre-Calc By Mark Clark

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16 Why the Secret to Happiness Has Been in Your Head All Along By Dottie DeHart

19 2010 Camp Directory

22 School Spotlight:

Montessori de Terra Linda

6 Prom Night By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith MA, RN, MFT

FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 �www.familyworks.org

Lessons are simple: less money com-ing in means less money to spend. I covered the basics, downgraded my cable subscription, reviewed the bills, changed insurance and cancelled unnec-essary subscriptions. Then I got creative. Am I paying for things that I don’t need, don’t like, or could do myself? Unfor-tunately, yes!

First, I decided my boys’ faces are so handsome that no one is really looking at their hair. No, I’m not a skilled or trained hairdresser, nor do I want to minimize the talent of a good hairdresser, but my boys are three and five. Since they have never expressed an opinion about their hair, I figured I could get the hair out of their eyes and the rest didn’t matter. I also had a back up plan; if I really butchered their hair, I would tell people, “Never leave the room when your child is holding scissors.” The final result - I’m saving $30 every six weeks and no one (so far) has said, “Wow, that’s a bad haircut – let me recommend the person

we use for my son’s hair.” This leads me to my hair. Before you

start to pity me, no I did not cut my own hair, but I did start to question the $100 spent for chemically treating my hair. While waiting to pick up a prescription (generic of course) at the pharmacy, I noticed there was a wide selection of products designed for use on little girl’s hair, everything imaginable: products to straighten hair, to curl hair, to color hair, and to deep condition the resulting damaged hair! With my new found con-fidence I thought, if you can use this on a kid, then yes, I can use it on me. I bought one. I used it, just for the minimally recommended time. It worked fantasti-cally. My hairdresser chastised me for using a home product, yet preceded to give me a great hair cut. I saved $100! Not only am I happy with my hair, I’m shocked (and slightly angered) at how much I saved.

Clothing is a big expenditure offender

I’m a creative soul. I’m not a penny pincher and I don’t live by a strict budget. However, feeling the economic squeeze, I’m now watching expenses and revaluing my dollars which I like to call new math for a down economy.

New Math for a New Economy

By Angela Larson

continued on page 18


In the last edition of FamilyWorks Magazine, I focused attention on the importance of principles in par-enting our children. Children learn principles by example and through practice, so it is clearly the job of their caregivers to provide ample opportunities to live out important principles.

One of the most important prin-ciples in my life and in parenting my children is gratitude, looking at each day for ways to be thankful for the many good things and people in my life.

In May and June, we celebrate Mother’s and Father’s days; I can’t think of a more perfect time to help our children experience the wonder-ful feelings associated with showing love and giving thanks for special people who mean the most to them.How to Show Gratitude

Take time to sit with your children and help them iden-

tify what they really like

abou t

“Gratitude helps you to grow and expand; gratitude brings joy and laughter into your life and into the lives of all those around you.”

Eileen CaddyScottish Writer

and Spiritual Leader

their parent(s). Ask them what they know about the parent that might be nice to do, say, or make for them. This can be done using open-ended questions so the child can really come to their own conclusions, e.g., “What do you know that makes Mom laugh? “What is Dad’s favorite food, color, sport, etc?” “What do you think Mom likes to do for fun?” This will give the child time to focus on the specific parent and begin to think of ways to make the day special. Let it be a playful time; no ideas are too small or silly. Let the child take the lead on this. It will be so much more special if it is a “childish” idea.

In Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, he identifies ways to express heartfelt appreciation. I think that these “ways” fit nicely into categories that could guide children to think about personalizing the day for mom or dad (and for them, too). Mothers and Fathers Days are very special times for giving and receiv-ing – important days when children can learn what gratitude is all about. Parents can also show gratitude to the children, letting them know how nice it was that they were thought of so sweetly. Enjoy the moments.

Happy Mother’s and Father’s Day to all of you!

Patricia Saunders is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in families, parenting, and co-parenting. She is the Director of Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.


Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Homemade Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

Makeacardthatlistsordrawsthewaystheparenthashelpedyou

thisyear.

Takeabikerideorawalkintheparkwithyour

parent.

Decorateanoldvaseandfillit

withflowersfromthegarden

Createacouponbookwithtasksyouwilldofor

yourparent

Givemomordadahugforeach

yearofyourlife

CreateaMemoryJar.Writeoneachslipof

paperaspecialmemoryyouandyourparenthave

shared.

Setasidetimeeacheveningtosharetheday’seventswiththe

parent.

Puttogetheracollageof

picturesofyouandyourparent

Dosomethingforhim/herthatisusuallydone

foryou

Giveaspecialhugorkisswhenleast

expected.

Interviewfamilymembers(bothyoungandold)aboutspecial

thingstheyloveabouttheparent

andputtheirthoughtsina

notebook.

Markonthecalendara

specificdayeachmonthtospend

specialtimetogether.

Giveabookbyhis/herfavoriteauthor(itcanbeausedone–recyclingis

good!!).

Makeaspecialbreakfast/lunchofmomordad’sfavoritefoods..

Holdhands,andsay,“Iloveyou”.

Throughouttheirspecialday,tell

him/herwhatyouloveaboutthem.

Planapicnicandpackaspecial

basket.

Plantarosebushinthegardeninmomordad’s

honor.

Packalunchforyourparent.

GiveMomorDadaneckrub.

Inthepresenceofyourparent,tellsomeoneelsewhatyou

appreciateabouthis/her.

BakeMom’sorDad’sfavorite

cookies,cakeorpie.

Decoratearockfromoneofthe

placeshe/shelovestowalkor

hike.

Makeasmalldonationto

Mom’sorDad’sfavoritecharity.

RubhandlotionintoMomorDad’shands.

Writeapoemorsongandread/singittoyour

parent.

Playtheparent’sfavoriteboard

game.

Stringanecklaceorbraceletwithfavoritesweets.

Washthefamilycar/dogandput

abowonitwhenyouaredone.

Helpyourparentinandoutofthecarordoorway.


Setting the Stage for the PromFirst, we need a little soul searching to check our expectations and mo-

tivations related to the prom. Do we remember how it felt nearing prom night? Was it miserable for us, so we want it to be different for our teen? Are we more anxious to see our teen go, than he or she is?

Second, we can create a plan which can set realistic expectations and help the prom be a happy memory rather than heartbreak.

• Expect big drama, and/or an unwillingness to reveal feelings.

• Consider the possibility that your teen won’t go.

• Keep it simple.

While proms are being planned to protect kids from getting drunk and getting into no end of trouble, many kids are deeply troubled. They are terrified, mortified, and self-conscious about their body, clothing, being chosen, or being rejected.

If your teen is uptight, hostile, spending hours on the phone, or openly terrified within a month of prom night – it’s not just your teen.

by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA, Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistMary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Learn more great parenting skills in her Positive & Peaceful Parenting class. Call (415) 492-0720 to sign up or make an appointment for counseling services.

Would she say“yes” if I asked?

I’d rather not go,but then everyone will

think I’m a loser.

Is anyone goingto ask me?

I wish my mother would stop asking

me about it.

Sean says he’s going with Leticia. I wish I

had a girlfriend.

All the guys I know are just friends. If I ask someone, will he think

I’m hot for him?

What shouldI wear?

Chad wantsto pretend to go, but skip out. His parents are gone

for the weekend, but he’s clueless. They’ll be

watching us like a hawk.

Mom sayswe can’t afford

a limo.

I can’t standdresses. I hategirly-girl stuff.

Do I have toget her flowers?Dad says I do.

I was sure Jakewas going to ask me,

but he asked Lori instead. I can’t stand

to go and see himthere with her.

Heartbreak orHappy Memory?


• Learn about the real details/rules of the prom.

• Participate in planning and team up on boundaries with other parents.

• Stay firm on appropriate clothing.

• Encourage your teen to write down requests and choices.

• Set a budget with your teen. Be sensible about costs.

• Write down and post your expectations and their agreements.

• Find out if going stag is something peers will be doing.

• Provide a healthy low carbohydrate late afternoon or early dinner.

• Consider having other teens come to your house, so they can go together.

• Take pictures, assume they will make good choices, and wave goodbye.

• Try to sleep.

• Expect your teen to be either wired or exhausted after the prom.

• Be delighted if they share and don’t be surprised if they don’t.

When your children are parents themselves, you are likely to hear a lot more about their high school experi-ences. Until then, congratulate yourself that you have almost gotten them through high school. This is a huge accomplishment!

But, it isn’t over yet. It’s never over. Personally, I’m glad.

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Are we helping them to become emotionally independent, self-reliant young adults or do we have a tendency to hang on, clinging to our kids in relationships that keep them tethered, as stud-ies suggest?

“It is common for a parent to feel a range of emo-tions, from loss to relief, when their young adult child moves out of the family home,” says Susan Berlin, a psychotherapist in Washington D.C. “Ultimately we have to let our children fly and be independent and autonomous, make their own mistakes, and separate from us, the parents.”

“This transition is often the most difficult for a parent, even more than the transition of a child get-ting married,” says Laura Gauld, parenting expert

We all know that there are many stages of parenting... infancy, early childhood,

adolescence, and so on. And, along the way, parenting styles should change to respond best to what kids and teens need most from parents. By the time kids are readying for college, parents need to be sure they’re playing the right role: Helping their children leave the nest and begin life as a young adult.

Preparing Your Kids Emotionally for College

and co-author with husband Malcolm of the book The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have. “We advocate for our kids for so many years, raising them, shap-ing then, helping them develop their character, and teaching them to make choices. “Then, in high school, we take them through the complicated process of preparing for college---the SATs, the applications, essays, financial aid paperwork, the harrowing wait for acceptance letters, the visits to campuses---it goes on and on! Then one day, we drop them off and leave them to it -- confidently -- in an ideal world.”

“That doesn’t come easy for many of today’s parents,” say the Gaulds. Leaders of Hyde Schools, a network of public and private schools located

“Ultimately We Have To Let Our Children Fly...”

By Julia Rahn, Ph.D


on the East Coast that specialize in leadership and character development--and parents themselves -- they have experienced firsthand the dramatic shift in parenting over the past two decades, from the strict yet hands-off approach of previous generations of parents to the more lenient, micro-manager approach of today’s parents.

“My parents were not interested in being my friend,” says Malcolm. “Nor did they take my business, such as the business of applying to college, into their hands. That was my responsibility, and I learned a lot from doing it all on my own.”

Yet today, in addition to the classes and courses that aid teens in beginning life away from home, many colleges now have special classes for parents, even directing them on when to leave after they drop their kids on campus. RTM College Consulting is an organization that helps students navigate the college search and application process. As part of this mis-sion, they cover a range of topics that also includes “helping parents transition and ‘let go’.”

The Gaulds accept the view that most parents want what is best for their children. But, they see how this difficulty in letting go does not serve kids well and may, in fact, be a factor in the college drop-out rate -- even though college enrollment is up. “Many teens are not being prepared emotionally for life on their own,” says Laura. “For the first time, a student will have to balance the demands of rigorous academic coursework combined with myriad social opportuni-ties and virtually no supervision.”

“It’s a combination of variables that can trip up even the most disciplined and, what we might call, ‘well-behaved’ students,” Malcolm adds. “Initially, college can be overwhelming for any student, and many will

struggle, particularly those who are accustomed to having parents manage some or all of their lives. Fact is, one in four college freshmen drops out.”

The Gaulds believe there are three types of students generally heading for college:

1) Those who will take to college like ducks to water;

2) Those who will engage in an inspired struggle to keep their heads above water;

3) Those who will sink like a stone from the out-set.

“Success or the lack of success in college may not have anything to do with academic ability,” says Malcolm. “But it may have everything to do with a student’s character -- and how he or she has been pre-pared to manage independence, time, studies, respon-sibilities, a social life, and emotional well-being.”

The Gaulds make a compelling point, as numerous studies cite weakening self-esteem, anxiety, depres-sion, loneliness, even emerging health issues as the leading indicators of academic challenges and poten-tial drop-out rates for college freshmen. But, these factors are largely emotional in nature, suggesting that enrollment retention, in many cases, may be

“My parents were not interested in being my friend, nor did they take my business, such as the business of applying to college, into their hands. That was my responsibility, and I learned a lot from doing it all on my own.”

Continued on page 10

10 FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 www.familyworks.org

(Infant - 4.5 years)

®

415.456.6630

related to psychological, social, and self-care abilities needed for a major life transition -- that is, a level of emotional readiness that is missing.

“Any experience away from home is one of self-discovery,” says Malcolm, “and that doesn’t have to begin in col-lege.”

So, what should parents be doing? The Gaulds offer some suggestions:

1) Let your kids have some experience with self-care on their own before college. Many schools have a class trip to a foreign country, for example. Encourage your teen to engage in a different environment like this without you. They can also go with a youth group or church to various retreats

honor their child’s new-found indepen-dence by paying attention to how a child reacts to the frequency of phone calls, care packages, and other types of contact like emails and text messages,” offers Berlin. “The young person is likely busy in their ‘new life’ and can feel invaded by the parents’ need for contact.”

Berlin suggests having a dialogue be-tween the family members to negotiate some “terms and frequency of contact” so that everyone’s needs can be consid-ered. Even in our attempt to cover all bases for our kids in helping them get out the door, life is uncertain, none of us is in complete control, and some challenges may arise that we did not foresee.

“Teenagers may have a ‘reality check’ during the first semester when suddenly the reality of being on their own hits,” says Laura. “While it’s important to remain loving and supportive, parents need to remember they can’t---and shouldn’t---run in to ‘fix’ their blos-soming adult’s life. They’re beyond that. Their life is meant to be lived now, warts and all.”

For more information about the Gaulds, Hyde Schools, and The Biggest Job book and seminars, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441.

ranging from wilderness camp to missions that help those in another culture. All these things help your teenager to develop self-confidence and independent decision-making.

2) By the time your child is preparing for college he or she should know the benefits of a nutritious diet and regu-lar exercise; how to make a budget and maintain a checkbook; and basic tools and resources for emotional and spiritual comfort.

3) Privacy is another important mat-ter, especially in light of today’s gen-eration of immediate and electronic communications. So, give your child some space. Wait for the call or email to come to you, and only see it as an invitation to make a connection, rather than an onslaught of commu-nication.

4) Practice letting go before your child heads off to college. There are myriad ways parents can show their children they intend to back off. Every situa-tion is different, because the level of control individual parents take with their children varies.

Parents, access your level of control in your child’s life and take measured steps to loosen the reins. “Parents should

Preparing Emotionally for CollegeContinued from page 9

FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 11www.familyworks.org

Child-Centered Co-ParentingParents who are living apart learn how to raise their children harmoniously, keep children “out of the middle” and safely in each of their lives. Parents attend separate classes and learn to:

• Deal with each other respectfully

• Increase cooperation

• Make co-parenting decisions calmly

• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably

• Manage constantly shifting schedules

• Stop tantrums and dawdling

• Design consequences that work

• End rudeness & backtalk

Seven Tuesday evenings: May 11- June 22, 2010Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.

P o s i t i v e& P e a c e f u l ParentingLearn Keys to Increasing:• Cooperation • Self-esteem • Responsibilty• Communication • Respect • Discipline

Viewing Life Today• Being a Proactive Parent • Identifying Your Universal Principles

Growing Great Kids• Understanding How Kids Work • Ensuring Goodness of Fit• Making Work Fun

Listening and Talking• Listening Effectively• Decreasing Impulsive Behavior

Problem Solving that Gets Results• Using the Magical “When...Then”• Designing Charts that Get Results• Revamping “Time Out”

Feeling More Confident• Being Positive and Persistent• Sharing Successes• Setting Positive Consequences

Four Tuesday evenings:June 1 - 22, 2010Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.

Parenting Programs

www.familyworks.org 415-492-0720

StrengtheningRelationships...For a Lifetime

Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime


Therapy and Life Skills Center

ExploringMotherhoodFor Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to 9 months).Spanish speaking group: Tuesdays, 10 a.m. to noon at Marin Community Clinic in Novato.English and Spanish speaking groups Thursdays 10 AM to Noon at Marin Community Clinic in San Rafael. • Share experiences, ideas, and support

• Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood

• Learn how to increase infant health & happiness

• Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

• Reduce anxiety and depression

Free!

1� FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 www.familyworks.org

Family Therapy and CouplesCounseling Concerns, hopes and dreams, as well as practical and effective relationship tools are explored. The result is increased understanding and empathy, more cooperation and more fun in family life through:

• Managing Child Behavior• Resolving Hurts and Conflicts• Dealing with Anxiety, Depression and Addictions• Sharing Child Rearing • Planning for Play• Managing Anger• Creating Cooperative Responsible Children

AssessmentUsing temperament profiles and developmental assessments, parents and children will learn positive skills and design behavior plans that maximize each child’s potential. Therapists consult with teachers and parents, developing behavioral interventions that work at home, play and school. Therapists are available to make home-visits, school observations and attend IEP meetings. Mental health screenings for anxiety, depression, AD/HD, etc. are available.

IndividualUtilizing a variety of theoretical approaches, FamilyWorks’ therapists help individuals to develop healthy life skills and increase their social-emotional well being. We are skilled in helping with a broad range of relationship and psychological issues, including:

• Life Stage Transitions• Anxiety• Abuse• Depression• Anger & Conflict• Improved Self-Esteem• Grief & Loss• Stress

Therapy with ChildrenWith Child-centered “playrooms,” and a wide variety of expressive arts, including FamilyWorks’ specialized sand-tray materials, children “play” in ways that allow them to bring their thoughts and emotions to the surface. As children’s experiences and knowledge are more and more freely communicated through play, the therapist works with those themes as a vehicle for self- acceptance and emotional regulation.

Therapy with TeensFamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with adolescents to support their journey to adulthood. Using various forms of expressive arts therapy, interactive play/exercises and outdoor activities, teens find new ways to resolve problems, build greater self-esteem and enhance their social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.






Adjustable Fees

FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 1�www.familyworks.org





Therapy and Life Skills CenterFamily Interactive Therapy

F. I.T Services:When Family members want to improve communication and learn problem solving skills, Family Interactive Therapy at FamilyWorks, offers a unique program.

Family Meeting

Individual Counseling

Initially the parents share concerns with their therapist, followed by an opportunity for the entire family to set and meet their goals. Then, individual family members may be interviewed. An action plan is designed to meet the needs of each individual and the entire family.

Families may choose to benefit from the one way mirror option, in which child development assessments are made and family members can practice the skills they are learning with the assistance of a FamilyWorks Therapist. Parents may receive guidance through an ear bud as the therapist observes interactions through the one-way mirror.

One-way Mirror Option


Support for Individuals with Disabilities

Independent Living Skills

Parenting Support Services






CPR & First Aid Classes

• Parenting and Co-Parenting

• Childbirth Education

• Child Development and Family Planning

• Behavior Management and Stress Reduction

• Early Intervention in Postpartum Depression

• Positive and Peaceful Discipline

• Family Health Promotion and Hygiene

• Injury Prevention, Nutrition, and Exercise

• Household Management, and Transportation

• Financial Management and Budgeting

• Development of Social Support Systems

• Linkage with Others Services

• Academic Growth

• Behavior Management

• Stress Reduction Skills

• Injury Prevention

• Nutrition

• Health Promotion and Exercise

• Hygiene and Self-care

• Housekeeping

• Transportation Skills

• Community Access

• Employment Readiness

• Financial Management and Budgeting

• Development of Social Support Systems

Saturday, May 1, 2010Saturday, June 12, 2010

CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PMFirst Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM

Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive

a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.


After an admittedly rocky start featuring a short-tempered, know-it-all dad and an obstinately ungrateful little girl, we have learned, for the most part, how to make this mentor relation-ship work. A quiet rainy evening spent listening to her read Homer’s The Odyssey aloud, helping to prepare for a French ‘vocab’ test, or providing constructive criticism on her latest theme for English, and I am a content cookie.

But with her math homework, we have suddenly reached a turning point: She now knows more than I do. Oh, it was simple when she was fathoming the depths of arithmetic. While I didn’t always approach a problem “the way her teacher did” (much to our mutual frustration), at least I knew what the an-swer should look like. My elementary algebra may have been a little rusty, but the shine came back with just a little bit of elbow grease, and I was always a bit of a whiz when it came to geometry. But this year, Pre-Calculus (note the capital letters) has appeared on the scene, like an unwanted teenage suitor with pimply complexion, lanky, too-long hair, and a souped-up van with tinted windows. It was inevitable that my role of ‘daddy’ would take a back seat at some point, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Since she started in school, my daughter has had the benefit (or hindrance, she might say) of a father who actually enjoys helpingwith homework.

SpelunkingPre-Calc

A Father’s Reflections...

By Mark Clark

Continued on page 18


America was founded on the shining ideals of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Well, we’re alive, we’re free

(in theory, anyway)...but are we happy? Let’s examine the evidence. Exhibit A is

the mountain of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills we take every year. Exhibit B is

the overworked, overstressed, overextended lifestyles we live—lifestyles that are, ironi-

cally, at odds with happiness itself. So what’s the verdict? No, we’re really not happy and that’s

too bad. According to author Patt Lind-Kyle, our brains are actually wired for happiness. So, why are

we so miserable?“The fact is, most of know why we’re unhappy—we

just lack the tools to get ourselves where we want to be,” says Lind-Kyle, author, of Heal Your Mind, Rewire Your

Brain: Applying the Exciting New Science of Brain Synchrony for Creativity, Peace and Presence. “We know which actions we

should take, but we feel powerless to actually enact them.” (Okay, so scrap the “liberty” ideal also!)In other words, we know we’re eating too much or drinking too much or

damaging our kids with our anger or letting a controlling spouse squelch our dreams. Yet, we accept those negative and harmful behaviors in ourselves. Maybe we figure, Hey, it’s because I’m under so much stress. Or, maybe we assume, like Popeye, that “I yam what I yam.”

It’s not true, insists Lind-Kyle. You really can change those things about

Many of us feel out of focus,

out of whack, and out of the

loop more often than we’d like

to admit. Author Patt Lind-

Kyle explains why that’s the

case—and what you can do to

return to your natural (that’s

right!) state of balance

and happiness.

Why the Secret to Happiness Has

Been in Your Head All Along

By Dottie DeHart


yourself that make you miserable, but plain old willpower won’t cut it.

“Good intentions have failed you before, and they will again,” she notes. “If you want to make lasting changes, you’ve got to go to the source—you’ve got to rewire your brain and re-pattern the way it works! In fact, the new science of brain synchrony proves that the brain is more changeable than we ever thought possible. Your bad habits can be broken and rewired more productively.” No, Lind-Kyle isn’t talking about brainwashing. She’s talking about consciously exploring and redirecting your brain patterns—a process that has been scientifically proven to be ef-fective. Curious? Then read on to learn how the key to happiness has been in your head all along.

So, why is it so darn tough for people to change? Think about it this way: You can block a river-bed and dam up the waters, but once they’re released, they’re not going to flow in a different direc-tion—they’re going to flow through the same old channel. Your brain, and how it directs your behaviors, is similar. Due to a mix of genetic factors and external conditioning, you are locked into a set of habitual and automatic attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors. And trigger A will almost always lead to result B, unless you take specific steps to redefine what B is.

“You might want to cut back on your candy bar consumption or to stop going ballistic every time your kid leaves his room messy, but wanting to stop isn’t enough,” as-serts Lind-Kyle. “In order to make those changes, you literally need to carve new channels, new neural pathways, in your brain.”

So how do I change my brain? Good news: New research has

revealed that the brain never stops changing and adjusting! Repetition and new experiences (whether they are physical, emotional, or mental) literally reshape the brain’s soft tissue—a quality known as neuro-plasticity—and revamp the areas of your life with which you’re dis-satisfied. “Generating new and/or creative thoughts can change neu-ronal pathways, releasing the hold old patterns have on us,” Lind-Kyle explains. “It’s important to note, though, that neuroplasticity in and of itself doesn’t effect change. It is through the focused attention of mind training that new reactions and habits are formed.”

Mind training? What’s that? There are four brainwaves: beta, alpha, theta, and delta. Ideally, they should all work together in har-mony, but one often dominates the others. This leads to dysfunctional thoughts and habits, and “negative feedback loops” of behavior. Mind training—a not-so-flaky form of meditation—helps you to focus on and become aware of each of these four brainwaves, thus triggering the neuroplastic function of the brain. “Bringing your brain waves out of whack and into synchrony is a key component of really improv-ing your life,” says Lind-Kyle. “By becoming truly aware of your thought processes and emotional responses, you will become better able to identify why unhappiness per-sists in your life and what you need to do to correct that!”

B u t I d o n ’ t h a v e

time to meditate. I have to work 12-hour days just to pay the bills! “Bingo!” says Lind-Kyle.” “That’s probably part of the reason you’re unhappy. The high-pressure job you have to work to pay for the big house and new car and gym membership is sucking up all your energy and perpetuating a pace and intensity that’s the very antithesis of the mental quality that leads to true happiness.”

“Western culture is intense, fast-paced, and goal-driven,” she says. “It creates an automatic drive that can get locked into our brain cir-cuitry. And, I’m not saying to quit your job and move into an ashram. I’m not even saying to move to a smaller house and take the bus—though that’s not necessarily a bad idea. What I am saying is to rewire your brain to break the hold of the automatic circuitry that’s making you miserable.”

“We are all wired for what will make us happy,” Lind-Kyle con-cludes. “And what we really want is not success and fame—it’s peace, kindness, and happiness. You need to be comfortable with yourself as you are, not as how society tells you to be.”

New researchhas revealed that

the brain neverstops changingand adjusting!


The way I see it, learning is a great expedition into a mysterious cave, and my daughter an intrepid ‘spelunker” (nice word, that). As I help with her studies, we follow the twists and turns of countless dark passages, relying upon her imagination and determination to light the way. It is surprisingly pleasant to revisit these old haunts. Ah, there are my initials carved into the Wall of Arith-metic. A bit further on, I gaze once again upon the magnificent and ordered Sta-lagmites of Geometry. Even the Grotto of Algebra looks vaguely familiar, if less imposing than I remember it.

But lately we have reached the point where my safety line to the surface has pulled taut. My progress is halted by the cruel knowledge that I have com-

pletely forgotten all I ever knew about sines, cosines, and tangents. Oh sure, I could re-learn it all, but not having to deal with this stuff anymore is one of the perks of finishing school. I stop in my tracks and gaze wistfully on. My daughter looks back, almost in pity. She remains untethered to the past and fearless of the mathematical unknown. As she disappears around the next bend, in search of the pimply Pre-Calculus (and its hoary older brother, Differential Calculus), I am helpless to do anything except listen to her footsteps growing fainter and fainter. I can only offer words of encouragement, bake macaroni and cheese when she needs energy, and make sure she doesn’t stay up too late. After all, there will always be more to discover tomorrow.

Thankfully, I am still quite useful for French homework (as long as I have a good French-English dictionary handy), reasonably helpful in Science, and somewhat less so in History, despite having lived through quite a bit of it by

SpelunkingPre-CalcContinued from page 15

now. I hope to always be a welcome resource when it comes to writing but, even there, I acknowledge that some day she may someday no longer seek out my advice or opinion. I am already proud of her beyond measure. Still, it is hard to pass the baton.

That doesn’t mean I have given up my peculiar interest in homework. In my imagination, I am visiting her lovely house one day, after she has a little one of her own. I am enjoying a hot cup of cocoa in the living room, when the peace is be disrupted by a child’s cry, “But, Mommy, that’s not the way the teacher showed us how to do it!” And I smile the knowing smile of a retired spelunker and take another sip. My advice to you, Jessica, when my granddaughter rolls her eyes and gives you “that look,” is to get out of the homework cave for a few minutes and grab a breath of fresh air. And remember that mac’ and cheese is always the preferred snack of tired young cave explorers.

as well. I started to apply a value = cost per wear principle. This means no more single-use dress blazers for the boys for a school photo or family event. One five-minute wear of a $45 blazer is just bad value. However, a $20 ‘cool’ t-shirt that is worn a thousand times, equating to pennies per wear is a worthy invest-ment. Which lead me to take a look in my closet. There were clothes in there I love but never wear. Not any more. Now people just assume I’m on my way to a

fabulous event when I pick up the kids in a cocktail dress!

Groceries have also not escaped scru-tiny. Cooking from scratch is not only lowering our food bill, it is also healthier. If I can’t pronounce the ingredients on the label, we probably shouldn’t eat it. Carrying groceries home is my new free work out plan. We actually eat the left-overs now! Some soups and definitely lasagna just taste better the second day. I have also learned how to mix a good cocktail, which is a better value per drink than terrible cheap wine. An unexpected cost savings: When I invite friends over for a drink, they bring a bottle and we both save.

On toys, well, we are doing more arts and crafts. Now at least when something breaks it is because it is “delicate”,

not because it is another example of a “cheap $2 toy that turned out to be an actual two dollar toy.” For new books and videos, I’ve started visiting our neighbors with children and enacting trades for a week. We’ve seen some fun movies and read great books we hadn’t previously known about. In this economy, none of the neighbors have said “no”, but, unlike ‘borrowing a cup of sugar,’ we are trading back the books at the end of a week.

I have changed the way I spend. Maybe the whole family is thinking about it differently. I dress up more, visit the neighbors frequently, and have im-proved my cooking and barber skills on the way. It’s not all bad. I wonder what possibilities lie ahead when I decide to creatively bring in more income?

New Math for a New EconomyContinuedfrompage3


Bar 717 RanchFounded in 1930, the Bar 717 Ranch offers children ages 8-16 the opportunity to spend the summer on a beautiful mountain ranch. Campers choose freely from activities including horsemanship, backpacking, gardening, animal care, river swimming, arts and crafts, photography, music, drama, archery, blacksmithing and ceramics. 530-628-5992, www.bar717.com

Bay Area Discovery Museum Small classes, BIG fun! Join the Bay Area Discovery Museum in Sausalito this summer for non-stop fun and adventure for 3 to 8-year-olds. Sign up for a different Discovery Camp each week, including Treasure Hunts and Shipwrecks, Superheroes and Heroines, On the Bay and Art Attack! (415) 339-3900.

Camp Doodles(PreK - 1st & 2nd - 6th grade) Camp Doodles offers a really fun summer day camp at three great locations in Larkspur, San Rafael & Mill Valley. Each week is filled with group games, arts & crafts projects, theme days, sports, songs, skits, science, cooking, story-time, water days, ice cream days, karaoke, summer BBQs, scavenger hunts and much, much more. ACA Accredited Camp! Call (415) 388-4FUN (4386) or visit www.campdoodles.com.

Camp Tam at Homestead ValleyIn a beautiful setting at the foot of Mt. Tamalpais for children entering grades K through 5. Swimming, hiking, sports, drama, art, gardening/outdoor education - group-building through games and projects most of all, the FUN of just being a kid!! Weekly sessions (M-F 9 AM-4 PM) June 21-August 27 Extra care available. 415.388.0128.

Camp Winnarainbow Ages 7-14. Classes in the circus and performing arts include trapeze,

clowning, tightrope, juggling, unicycling, stilt-walking, gymnastics, theater, hip hop, martial arts, magic, music, art, basketball court, nature walks, environmental and multi-cultural awareness. Beautiful lake with 350’ waterslide, year-round stream and lodging in canvas tipis. 707-984-6507.

Cinnabar Theater Summer CampsIf you’ve got a dramatic child/teen and you’re looking for a place to release that dramatic energy, check out what Cinnabar Theater has to offer! Our highly popular summer camps combine music, drama, games, crafts, and lots of summer activities! Come join the fun (and learn something, too)! 707-763-8920 or [email protected]

Devil’s Gulch RanchWe offer boys and girls opportunities to connect with and explore agriculture, the redwoods, grasslands, and creeks of West Marin. Campers help with farm chores, feed and care for our animals, learn traditional skills, and discover the outdoors. We emphasize free play, nature awareness, agriculture, and outdoor recreation. 415-662-1099, www.dges.org, [email protected]

Kids On Camera TV/Film Acting Day CampAge 4-14. Lights, camera, fun! Weeklong award-winning camps with new themes. 29th year. Comedy, character commercials,

voiceover, lip sync rock n’ roll, film acting, improv, photo modeling. Improve communication skills, build confidence. 9:30AM-3:15PM. Extended care 8AM-6PM. Marin: July/Aug, San Rafael, St. Raphael School, 1100 5th Ave. San Francisco: June 28-July 2, 9th Ave near Geary & 19th Ave. Judy Berlin 415-440-4400 www.kids-on-camera.com $300-370

Lycée Français la PérouseFUN SUMMER CAMPS ALL IN FRENCH! | age 3-12 | At the Lycée Français la Pérouse, campers improve their French skills through a variety of art activities (acting, singing, dancing,…) and sports (Soccer, volleyball, basketball,…) every week of camp is a new challenge with


�0 FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 www.familyworks.org

Marin Horizon Summer Camp

Gymnastics LessonsSwimming LessonsExciting Field Trips

Low Teacher:Student RatioMusic

Arts and Crafts Sports

Capoeira classesNature Hikes

Extended Care until 5:30

June 28th-Aug 6thServing all kids aged 3-8

Convenient online registration at www.marinhorizon.org

Questions? Email [email protected]

or call 415.388.8408 ex 224

305 Montford Avenue, Mill Valley, CA 94941

Marin YMCA • www.ymcasf.org/marinFor more information contact Dana McCune at 415-446-2140.

Join us at YCAMP this summer for:SWIMMING • GAMES • CRAFTS

COMMUNITY OUTREACH • TEAM BUILDING FIELD TRIPS • SPORTS • ADVENTURE

and SPECIALTY CAMPS

Where the adventure begins!

TV/FilmActing Camp

Ages 4-18

Award Winning29th Year

Comedy, Characters Voiceover & Improv

SAN RAFAELSAN FRANCISCO

EAST BAY

Weeklong Camps

415.440.4400kids-on-camera.com

FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 �1www.familyworks.org

continued from page 19wonderful shows!More information at http://www.lelycee.org/camps/index.en.php

Marin Horizon School Summer CampFun for children 3-8 yrs! Age 3: Gymnastics lessons by Spinners Gymnastics. Ages 4-5: Swim lessons at Homestead Pool! Ages 6-8: Swim & Capoeira lessons, Field Trips. Marin Horizon teachers; 8:1 student-teacher ratio. Soccer, arts & crafts, music, hikes, drama, cookouts. 9AM-3PM, ext. care till 5:30PM. 1/2-day option for 3-yr olds. 4 or 5 days/week. June 28th - Aug 6th. Sign up online: www.marinhorizon.org. Mill Valley. 415-388-8408 x224. [email protected]


�� FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 www.familyworks.org

SchoolSpotlight

Montessori de Terra LindaNext academic year marks the 40th anniversary of Montessori

de Terra Linda (MdTL), a San Rafael based independent school serving children ages 2-12. The school utilizes the methods of Maria Montessori to provide a dynamic and nurturing education that respects and promotes the individual child and gives a solid academic foundation.

“The staff at Montessori de Terra Linda believes the genuine cooperation of parents, students, and educators combines to pro-vide an exceptional academic experience. We work to develop responsible and caring students who are self-motivated and who respect themselves, their peers and their surroundings,” explains Head of School Mary Yahnke.

Montessori de Terra Linda approaches education based on five principles: • Share a respect for self, others, our world, and our environment • Teach students independence, critical thinking, social grace and courtesy • Strive to instill in students a love of learning • Teach students through hands-on, individualized experiences • Believe all adults in our community are role models

I Did It! The Pre-Primary classroom is

designed to meet the develop-mental needs of the 2 to 3 year olds. The young child has a very strong sense of order, a great desire for self-direction, and a preference for parallel play. The classroom is prepared with this in mind, allowing the child to explore and learn in a secure and loving environment.

Activities displayed on shelves stimulate and nourish the small child’s sensorial need to smell, touch, hear, see, and taste. “Prac-tical Life” materials show the children how to care for themselves, respect one another and their environment.

Language acquisition, cognitive skills, art and music, as well

as Spanish are practiced daily. The children run, climb and garden on the yard as they learn to appreciate the beauty of the natural world around them.

The Wonder Years “We have three Primary classrooms for children 3 to 6 years

of age. Each classroom is a rich learning environment full of math, language, science, geography, cultural studies, art, and music materials,” Yahnke says.

Children within the three year age span work together in the classroom. The more experienced children become mentors to the younger children. The less experienced children become engaged and excited about learning by observing the academic success of the older children. All children work at their own pace as they are guided through the curriculum. Once they finish an activity, the children return the materials and take responsibility for cleaning up after themselves.

“We engage children in divergent thinking. The Montessori Method generates creative ideas by exploring many possible solutions. Children work together to study a topic of interest or prepare independent explorations and present them to their class. This starts at the youngest level and builds throughout the Elementary Program,” said Yahnke.

The Growing Child A Montessori elementary class-

room continues to combine three-year age groupings. Being in the same classroom with the same teacher for three years gives the children emotional and social stability. Students, age 6-12 years old, use manipulative materials that allow abstract concepts to be represented in a concrete form.

According to Yahnke, “Dr. Mon-tessori designed the elementary cur-riculum to appeal to the reasoning mind and imagination. Our program incorporates the subject areas of math, language, geometry, botany, zoology, history, geography, art

and music.” Montessori elementary children take a key role in their own

FamilyWorks Magazine - May & June, �010 ��www.familyworks.org

education. They often have the freedom to choose work partners and topics for study, thereby becoming responsible for their own activities. Children work at their own pace, which allows students to excel or spend more time on a particular topic depending on their skill level.

A Full Educational Experience “Our students regularly participate in

physical education; pre-primary and pri-mary children enjoy outdoor movement classes, while elementary children engage in team sports, running and calisthenics. Art is an integral part of the curriculum and is taught by our Artist-In-Residence. Music instruction and Spanish language study is also regularly provided to all classes,” Yahnke says.

MdTL is a Marin County Green business

Summer Camps at Devil’s Gulch Ranch

Not your Ordinary Camp. An experience of a lifetime on a working diversified family farm.

Agriculture, Nature, Primitive Skills, Swimming, Rappelling,

Archery, Horseback Riding

[email protected] www.DGES.org (415) 662-1099

continued from page 21 cooking, sports, crafts, and more! Sign up by the day, by the week, or even for half days. For more information contact Dana McCune at 415-446-2140 or visit www.ymcasf.org/marin.

San DomenicoYour best summer will be at San Domenico! We’re offering sports camps, horseback riding, art, piano, Legos, woodworking, and outdoor adventures on our 500 acre campus in San Anselmo. Full and half day camps begin June 7. Lunch and extended care available. Call 415-258-1944 or visit sandomenico.org/summers for more info.

Wonder Valley Family CampLocated in the foothills of the Sequoia/Kings Canyon National Park. Family owned and operated, this award winning resort hosts families of all ages offering over 60 exciting activities including water-skiing, waverunners, paintball, go-karts, horseback riding, swimming, themed evening adult and children’s programs, and much more. www.WonderValleyFamilyCamp.com (800) 821-2801.

and member of the Green School Alliance. Our students, educators and administration have long practiced sustainability and envi-ronmental consciousness on a daily basis.

A Montessori education prepares students for life. At MdTL, we help children become

self-confident, emotionally secure and active global citizens who will positively contribute to their community.

For more information please visit www.mdtl.org or contact us at [email protected] or 415-479-7373

Marin Horizon Spanish Intensive CampHave fun learning about the history, art, music, and natural wonders of the Spanish-speaking world; cultural games, arts & crafts, drama, real-life Mexican market, swimming, field trips, lunch preparation - conducted fully in Spanish. Session #1 (entering 4th & 5th grades): June 28-July 9. Session #2 (entering 6th–8th grades): July 12-July 23. $790/session. 9:30am–3:30pm. 415.388.8408 ex. 224 or [email protected]

Marin Shakespeare CompanyWe make Shakespeare fun! Marin Shakespeare Company offers summer camps for ages 5 - 7, 8 - 12, and teenagers. Locations in San Rafael, Ross, and Novato. Also check out our popular Tennis/Drama camp. Details at www.marinShakespeare.org, or phone 415/499-4487.

Marin YMCA CampCampers aged 5-12 take part in activities that emphasize personal growth, skill development, and fun! Activities include swimming, fieldtrips,

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