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It’s a few years on and I thought it would be a good time to see how the Café Racer scene has progressed, since I last wrote about it. Surprisingly Café Racers seem to be growing in leaps and bounds and the quality of the finished machines is truly amazing. Less is more and it definitely shows in these beautiful creations. What is also amazing is how your average enthusiast with very little engineering or other technical back ground is putting together beautiful, fast and capable racers that look like they belong on show room floors. There are a few “RAT” bikes but the majority displayed on the web are truly amazing. I have put together a selection of bikes for your perusal. You will even notice a bike that in many ways looks like Rodney. (See if you can spot it.)

(Clue)

Volume 14 number 89

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(Dear reader, at the time of going to press, the full and truthful story of this epic journey was still in the mind of “Baldy”. I hope to have the full story for next month’s edition. In the meantime here is a “Proof of Rally attendance “Picture.)

I have saved all the pictures for Baldys story next month, mainly because I do not have a cooking clue what they got up to. I am also open to any bribes that you may offer, so that I do not embarrass any of you by posting such pictures. Scribe.

An essential Rally carry-all!

BALDY

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A foursome of men waiting at the men's tee, while a foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet. She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those f@%king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!" He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.......

A blonde was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group of politicians that included Jacob Zuma.

Jacob quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave, when he said,

"I'm Jacob Zuma and I hope you'll vote ANC in the next election”. She laughed and quickly said: "I fell on my arse, not my head."

I was walking through Springvale the other day and noticed a Muslim book store, so out of curiosity I went on in. A clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me (I imagine I didn't look like the normal client). I then asked him if they had a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims. The clerk said, “F@*k off!! Get out and stay out!” I said, “Yes, that's the one!! Do you have that in paperback?”

A wise person once said. . . . . . . . . 1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Windhoek, Heineken, Castle, & Amstel beer. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. 4A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

5. Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

GOLF STORIES FOR VERNON

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A BAVARIAN 'BAGGER' MUNICH, Germany – BMW has unveiled a new concept touring bike at the Competition of Elegance of Villa d'Este along Lake Como, Italy - the Concept 101.

BMW's Motorrad's head of design, Edgar Heinrich, explains: "The Concept 101 opens up a new chapter in the history of our concept bikes. It's BMW Motorrad's interpretation of endless highways and the dream of freedom and independence - the perfect embodiment of "American touring".

"Designing this big touring bike study was amazingly exciting for us because we've never been involved with a motorcycle concept such as this. To me, the Concept 101 is the epitome of elegance, power and luxury on two wheels."

The name "Concept 101" is a reference to its engine capacity; the capacity of its six cylinders is 1649cc - equivalent to 101 cubic inches, which is the American unit of measurement for cylinder capacity.

The number 101 is also derived from where the bike was created, not far from Highway 101, at the design studios of the BMW Group subsidiary Design works in Newbury Park, California.

BMW Motorrad's head of vehicle design, Ola Stenegard, said: "We had a clear vision when we were designing the bike: under the motto 'The Spirit of the Open Road' we wanted to build a high-performance, emotional and highly exclusive six-cylinder vehicle that would make every ride a special experience."

The concept is BMW's interpretation of a "bagger" - a custom bike popular in the US. It has an elongated and streamlined silhouette and two side cases typical of baggers.

UNIQUE DESIGN

The bike was built by custom motorcycle specialist Roland Sands in collaboration with BMW Motorrad. It has exhausts on each side, each with three outlets - one for each cylinder. BMW says the bike's unique exhaust layout helps apply the sound of the six-cylinder unit. The bike is painted silver with aluminium; carbon-fibre and wood elements .It has an unusual rear light-cluster with dark-coloured sections forming two LED bands, reminiscent of classic road cruisers. The seat is upholstered in black leather with fine-grain leather along each side with brown leather strips separating the two.

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JULY

6th GRAEME THOMPSON (G)

6TH JANICE THOMPSON (G)

28th WYNNE VICE (G)

Memo to our new and old farts

It is up to you to send me your Birth Dates. It is also up to you to inform me when you move from (S) silver to

(G) Gold and (P) platinum. (I do not have time to cut off your legs and count the rings.) If you are (P)

Platinum, you don’t have to do anything you have reached the top. Yay!

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FUNNIES FOUND IN ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETINS

1. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. Evening massage-6 p.m. 4. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 5. The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm.

Please use the back door. 6. Ushers will eat latecomers. 7. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical

accomplishment. 8. Rev Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation. 9. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will

sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.” 10. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing

a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 11. Next Sunday Mrs. Vison will be the soloist for the morning service. The

pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.” 12. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church

basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

13. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks to the minister’s daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

14. A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday. 15. Don’t let worry kill you off-let the church help. 16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use the large double door at

the side entrance. 17. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to

join the choir.

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WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words: A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"- Mark Twain. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.." - Mae West. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912). "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." – Groucho

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THINGS TO KNOW

Note: You are really old if you know all of these!

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.' Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'. And thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.. It is impossible to lick your elbow. The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer. Each King in a deck of playing cards represents a great King from history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Q.... If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ’A’? (A) One thousand Q.... What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? (A) All were invented by women. Q... What is the only food that doesn't spoil? (A) Honey In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight' It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's Father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. In English pubs, Ale is ordered by pints and quarts....So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'Mind your P’s and Q's.' Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ''Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." BE AWARE ... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

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July

4&5th

Tribal cats Sleep over

11th

Pschycos Mayhem. PE.

18th

Parrot’s Day Jol, PE.

24-26th

Mthatha Rally. Mthatha

24-26th

Gemsbok Rally Upington,

Charlie 071 585 7671

31 Midnight Rally. Bathurst

June

5-7th

Whale Rally, Hartenbos.

www.whalerally.info

14th

Ulysses Queenstown, Pad Braai,

Fort Cunyngham Pass. From 10 am.

26-28th

15th

Pongola Cane Rally,

Pongola. www.caneriders.co.za

27th

Motor Mecca Inter club Pool

competition. Jacqueline’s Pub from

14H00

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A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed. She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.” The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the temple and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral

leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.”

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I'm not angry with you.”

Don’t you just hate it?.......you get all dressed up; you're looking hot; smoking' hot! As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you. Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE...you forgot the lipstick...the whole look you were after is gone to hell, right then and there. DAMN !

Heavy Metal

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To all Ulysses members

I want to help the writer Andries “Barry” Botes a Quadriplegic and friend who is paralyzed from the neck down to market his book, “The Timbavati Secrets.”! Please can I ask if we can send a note to all the Chapters to spread it between their members and if someone orders a book do it in the name of Ulysses SA and their Chapter name.

About the author: Andries “Barry” Botes was born in 1959 and lives in Mpumalanga South Africa. In 1994 Barry’s life took on a different direction when he was shot in a car-jacking. A robber tried to steal his car, panicked, pulled the trigger and ran away without even taking the vehicle. The bullet left Barry a Quadriplegic paralyzed from the neck down. To date he cannot use his hands and types using sticks attached to his wrists. Recently he has also started painting and paints with a brush in his mouth. He has not lost his sense of humor, or become bitter after the accident. His work is not an account of the miseries of life and he will gladly inform anyone, he used to be two meter tall and inevitably looked down when speaking to people. With Barry’s new position sitting in a wheelchair Barry must look up at people and inevitably observing their nostrils and nostril hairs. What is worse, stand and count dandruff, or sit and smell arm-pits? It is two completely opposite angles at looking and viewing the same person and often unusual observations which added to Barry’s sense of humor makes for interesting reading. Barry finished school in 1976 at Athlone Boys High. Barry studied CIS at Wits but did not complete his studies. Ten years after the car-jacking he was divorced in 2003 and has been supporting his only son. His standard 9 teacher Mr. Dobson has to be the one person most influential and to whom the book can be dedicated, for his hard work teaching Barry an afrikaans boy the English language. Barry quickly admits, he still make mistakes but don’t think Mr. Dobson ever imagined he would inspire him to complete and publish a book!

The Book : The Timbavati Secrets - http://www.timbavati-secrets.com

The Timbavati Secrets explores the Pedi Dynasty, one of Africa’s less-known kingdoms. It is about the mysterious events that took place 180 years ago and how it affected the events that take place within the Timbavati half-moon, all the aircraft accidents in this small area, and makes you question, what was the real cause of that fatal aircraft accident of former Mozambican President Samora Machel? The book asks, from where did the Timbavati White Lions, discovered thirty years ago in this area, mysteriously appear? It questions the Rain Princess, with her meteorologist knowledge and her unquestioned ceremonies, claiming she cleanses the sky. What is her secret and how will this long hidden secret affect you?

Thank you all in advance

Andre’ Barnardo - Ulysses Deep South Chapter

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Scribe: Ken Heath

Tel: 082 710 2534 for verbal abuse.

E-Mail: heathken@telkomsa.net for any

contributions, comments etc. (Please….please …please!!!!)

Lawyers: Legal Wise: “Don’t talk to me, talk to my

Lawyer!”

Ulysses Office

E-Mail: ulyssessa@telkomsa.net

‘Disclaimer’

The opinions of the Scribe are not necessarily the product

of a sound mind and do not necessarily reflect the

opinions or values of Ulysses East London or any “Sane”

person!

Hi guys, I trust that you are all well and preparing for a cold winter.

Not much to report back on at this stage. It would appear that our disgracefuls enjoyed the National and hopefully I will get a report back in time for the July issue.

I am off to the Whale Rally with Jullian and my son Dale. We are leaving from the One –Stop outside King Williams Town at 7am on Friday. If you would like to ride with us, please contact me by Thursday evening, so we know who to wait for.

Please don’t forget the bosses birthday, because if you don’t phone him he will think he is unloved.

Cheers, Ken.