By Anita Larsen

© Copyright 2005, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer

Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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THE REAL PRINCESS AND THE PEA

By Anita Larsen

CAST OF CHARACTERS# of lines

ROYAL ACADEMY OF ROYALTY:LIZZIE ................................. maid 124PRINCESS #1..................... student 20PRINCESS #2..................... another 14PRINCESS #3..................... another 13PRINCESS #4..................... another 5PRINCESS EGLANTINE .... star student 23MADAME BOMBAZINE ...... proprietor 54

IN THE VILLAGE:BAKER................................ owns baked goods cart 30GABRIOLA.......................... owns the Bonbon and 17

Truffles shopBON MOT GUY................... owns the Bon Mots/Sweet 19

Nothings shopBOXES OF BIRDS SELLER... owns the Boxes of Birds shop 29GLOVE SELLER................. owns the Gloves! Gloves! shop 16BOOT SELLER ................... owns the Boots ’n’ Saddles 11

’n’ Bits ’n’ Things, and the Ladders shop

CONSULTANT .................... owns the Crowns & Beauty 16Spots & Crèmes shop

POET .................................. owns the Sonnets Aplenty shop 17COBBLER........................... owns the Court Pumps shop 16BIBELOT SELLER .............. owns Bibelot shop 5APOTHECARY PAUL ......... owns Apothecary shop 34THRONE SELLER .............. owns the Quality Thrones shop 22OLDMA ............................... Lizzie’s friend and mentor 185SMALL HERALD #1............ Oldma’s grandchild 14SMALL HERALD #2............ another 13

FROM THE CASTLE:PRINCE ROBERT (pronounced “Ro-bear”)............................................ stuttering monarch-in-training 48

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QUEEN ROWENA .............. rules with a firm but just hand 125LARGE HERALD ................ servant to the queen 12SMALL PAGE...................... another n/aEXTRAS.............................. as additional villagers in n/a

opening and contest scenes

SETTINGTIME: Timeless.PLACE: A bright, vaguely medieval, fairy-tale village street, Castle Way.Vertical banners on floor standards identify the shops. (See set design and PRODUCTION NOTES for more details.) The banners can be flipped to reveal royal brocade. Curtains behind the banners and the Royal Academy of Royalty’s practical doors and pediment allow actors to exit and enter as if from walled, contained spaces. The banners along Castle Way (which runs from CENTER to UP CENTER) provide a forced perspective up to a painted flat of castle towers. The standards of these banners are on casters so they can be moved down and reversed to form an arc of royal brocade. The rest of the “Boots…” sign (which ends with “Ladders”) is obscured by a brightly painted baker’s cart, a set piece with sturdy corner braces extending up to support a sign that can be reversed from “OPEN” to “CLOSED.” The cart anchors STAGE LEFT and, when its sign is removed, the corner braces safely hold the multiple mattresses in a later scene.Steps from the stage DOWN RIGHT and DOWN LEFT lead to aisles through the audience, which are used as additional exits and entrances to the surrounding world of the village. The roadway of the commercial street that faces the audience appears to continue off DOWN LEFT and DOWN RIGHT and provides further exits and entrances as needed.

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The Real Princess and the Pea - Set D

esign

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THE REAL PRINCESS AND THE PEAACT ONE

LIGHTS UP: A sunny spring morning. MERCHANTS in bright, vaguely medieval fairy tale costumes bustle to set out tubs of flowers, adjust their banners and interact with one another. For example, the BAKER flips the sign on his gaily painted cart to read “OPEN” and goes in and out DOWN LEFT to get stock and package it up for customers.PRINCESS #1’S VOICE: (From the Academy OFF RIGHT; shouts.)

LIZ-zie! Fetch my morning bonbons!LIZZIE: (ENTERS, bursting through the double doors of the Royal

Academy of Royalty. She wears black high-top sneakers with white laces. Her full black skirt hangs crooked to just above her sneakers. Her maid’s cap is askew, as is the bow of her long, grimy apron. Her fitted bodice has long sleeves, one with a big hole in the elbow. To herself.) Hurry, hurry. (OLDMA ENTERS UP CENTER and crosses DOWN LEFT to BAKER’S cart. Grandmotherly-looking, she wears a ruffled apron with two big pockets over her costume and carries a furled umbrella.)

MADAME BOMBAZINE’S VOICE: (From the Academy; shouts.) Liz-ZIE? LIZ-zie! Shut those doors! (LIZZIE swirls around to slam the door.) QUI-etly, Liz-ZIE! (OLDMA watches as LIZZIE hits her head with the heel of one hand in chagrin, opens the doors, then shuts them silently.)

PRINCESS #2’S VOICE: (From the Academy; shouts.) Liz-ZIE! Brush my hair!

LIZZIE: (To herself.) Hurry, hurry. (Bounds to Bonbons and Truffles shop, where the shop owner, GABRIOLA, stands ready with a small paper bag.)

GABRIOLA: On account, Lizzie?LIZZIE: (Takes the bonbon bag.) Yes, Gabriola, thanks very much.PRINCESS #1’S VOICE: (From the Academy; shouts.) Hurry, lest I

expire!LIZZIE: Oh, dear, I’d better get back— (Starts to dash back to

Academy doors, suddenly stops and rushes back to GABRIOLA. Pulls something out of her apron.) Oh, I almost forgot! The princesses got a lot of letters this week, and I have stamps for your grandson’s collection! (Gives them to her.)

GABRIOLA: Gracias, mi corazón. You’re always thinking of others.PRINCESS #1/#2/MADAME’S VOICES: (From the Academy.) Liz-ZIE!LIZZIE: See you later! (Runs toward Academy doors.)

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GABRIOLA: (With an eloquent gesture.) Eh! ¡Apúrate, apúrate! Hurry, hurry! Poor Lizzie. (EXITS around her shop’s banner, shaking her head.)

PRINCESS #3’S VOICE: (From the Academy; shouts.) Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie! Where are you? My dressing gown!

LIZZIE: (Brakes to a stop at the doors, then opens them carefully, quietly. Calls.) Coming! I’m coming! (Closes the Academy doors, carefully, silently as she EXITS behind them.)

OLDMA: (Turns to BAKER.) They wear poor Lizzie to a frazzle.BAKER: That they do, Oldma, but that’s an orphan’s lot. You look

pretty today.OLDMA: You’re a canny flatterer, and that’s a fact! I can’t remember

when I last wore this old apron—must’ve grabbed this one by mistake. But—it covers me.

BAKER: That it does. Those ruffles flatter you, and that’s a fact! What’ll it be today?

OLDMA: (Considers his wares.) Your Cherry-Berry Confectionaries look good.

BAKER: Better than good! Delicious! Healthy, too. They’re fortified with vegetables.

OLDMA: I’ll have a baker’s dozen. (Opens her umbrella and hands it upside-down by the handle to BAKER.)

BAKER: (Piles confectionaries into the umbrella. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) Thirteen Cherry-Berry Confectionaries fortified with vegetables. And— ?

OLDMA: Let me see— Oh, an equal number of orange-glazed sticky buns…

BAKER: (Efficiently piles more baked goods into the umbrella.)Excellent choice. Superior oranges this year. Well, the cherries in those confectionaries aren’t bad, either. And— ?

PRINCESS #4’S VOICE: (From the Academy; shouts.) LIZ-ZIE! Make my bed!

OLDMA: A couple nut-choked brownies—MADAME’S VOICE: (Interrupts from the Academy; shouts. OLDMA

turns to the sound.) Liz-ZIE! LIZ-zie! Oh, where is the girl!LIZZIE’S VOICE: (From the Academy.) Making a bed, m’lady.MADAME’S VOICE: (From the Academy.) Well, hurry! Then sweep

the step!OLDMA: It’s a wonder Lizzie doesn’t weep.

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BAKER: Never seen her sad. She’s not the crying kind—always seems cheerful.

OLDMA: Is constant cheer the same as happiness?BAKER: Don’t get your drift, Oldma.OLDMA: I mean that smiles can mask sorrow.BAKER: Oh. (Considers briefly.) Don’t know if that applies in Lizzie’s

case. Why, just the other day she put on a little puppet show for my daughters. Didn’t look sorrowful at all. (They consider LIZZIE as she bursts through the Academy doors with a push broom.)

LIZZIE: (Mutters.) Hurry, hurry… (Swirls to close the doors. Her broom knocks against them. She hits her head with the heel of one hand in chagrin. To herself.) Oh, no! Noise! (Sets the broom aside and carefully, silently closes the doors. She whirls to seize the broom, swirls around and begins sweeping. To herself.) Oh, no! Dust! (Attempts to beat down the dust with her broom and breaks a branch off a shrub. To herself.) Oh, no! Ruinage! Grounds for termination! (Flings down her broom, snatches up the branch and rushes around shrubs to tuck the branch far in the rear. She backs away, checking that it’s hidden. The Academy DOORS SPRINGAJAR. To herself.) Oh, no!

MADAME’S VOICE: (From the Academy.) Issue forth, my Royal Students!

LIZZIE: (A soft wail.) Ohhhh! (Snatches up her broom and dashes around shrubs again to hide behind them.)

MADAME: (ENTERS through the Academy doors with a Loretta-Young-like sweep of full skirts. She wears a wide-brimmed, gauze-tied hat and long white gloves and carries a furled parasol. She surveys the scene and finds it acceptable.) A propitious morning for a genteel stroll in a tempting garden. Come along, my fledglings. (Crosses DOWNSTAGE regally, speaking as she goes to PRINCESSES #1-4 who ENTER behind her and follow. The PRINCESSES walk in pairs. They wear beauty-pageant smiles, gauzy gowns in pastel colors and short, white gloves. They carry furled parasols.) Always remember what a civilized, sensitive thing it is to stroll of a morning in a springtime garden. My own garden in this instance, but if you follow my instructions, you too shall have a garden—a royal garden! To wit, my small snowy egrets— Parasols! (Opens her parasol. PRINCESSES follow suit in unison, those in the right-hand rank opening their parasols to the right and those in the left-hand rank to the left.) Superb! Done like the royal personages you are! (LIZZIE’S head rises from the shrubbery as MADAME glances magnificently around.) Take note—strolling is more delightful if it is accompanied by conversation. To wit— A charming morning, don’t you think?

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PRINCESSES: (Copy MADAME’S gesture.) A charming morning! (To one another.) Don’t you think? (LIZZIE pretends she is a princess, mimics MADAME and PRINCESSES, who do not see her.)

MADAME: So fair, so warm, so altogether pleasant! Come along, my pretty pigeons. (Steps ahead, then spots something on the ground that makes her recoil gracefully.) But what is this?

PRINCESSES: (Copy the gesture.) But what is this?MADAME: A mote of dust in our path!LIZZIE: (A soft wail.) Ohhhh! (Her head pops down behind the shrubs.)PRINCESSES: A mote of dust in our path? (As if choreographed,

STUDENTS split ranks to gather around MADAME.)PRINCESS #1: Is it dangerous, Madame Bombazine?PRINCESS #2: Hurtful?PRINCESS #3: Painful?PRINCESS #4: Madame, is it downright mean?PRINCESS #1: One hopes it isn’t nasty!PRINCESS #2: Or worse—impolite!PRINCESS #3: Uncivil!PRINCESS #4: Rude!PRINCESSES #1-4: (In unison.) Oh, Madame Bombazine, is it

impudent and coarse?MADAME: Perfectly sensed and stated, my cooing cuddle doves.

But there is no need for alarm. Kindly reform your pretty party. (PRINCESSES #1-4 resume ranks, again as if choreographed.) There is no real danger here at all—except, of course, to the Princess Eglantine of Lower Brewster in the fabulously wealthy Fealty of Baftavia. The most remarkable student I’ve ever had the pleasure of finishing in my renowned Academy! (PRINCESSESmurmur recognition.) A truly sensitive individual! (PRINCESSESmurmur agreement.) A noble young woman whom you would do well to emulate. (PRINCESSES murmur determination.) Beautifully murmured, my petite hummers. Ah, yes, the Princess Eglantine will manage both her castle and her consort magnificently. Aspire to that, small swans-a-waiting. And now, please call Eglantine to me. I shall see to her safety, as well as to her physical fitness. Remember this, my incipient starlings— A princess, one day a queen, always presents a trim and graceful figure.

PRINCESS #3: Muscular, Madame?PRINCESS #2: Strong?PRINCESS #4: Agile?

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PRINCESS #1: Lithe?MADAME: You may have any or all of these qualities if you wish, my

sweet warbling vireos, so long as you don’t sweat. (PRINCESSESmurmur understanding.) Now please usher in our dear Princess Eglantine.

PRINCESSES #1-4: (Call, in unison.) Eglantine, sweet Eglantine, please grace us with your presence. Come and join our walk. (ThePRINCESSES part, forming an elegant arch with their parasols. MADAME steps to one side.)

EGLANTINE: (ENTERS from the Academy and poses before its doors. She is swathed in white, from heavy protective veils to long gloves. She could in other circumstances be mistaken for the ghost of a winsome, graceful and very careful hobbyist beekeeper.) I am here.

MADAME: (Fawns.) Princess Eglantine!EGLANTINE: (Curtseys.) Madame Bombazine.MADAME: Just call me plain Madame, m’dear, as do all my friends.EGLANTINE: Yes, Madame.MADAME: Come, you shall walk with me.EGLANTINE: Yes, Madame. (Crosses to MADAME through the parasol

arch. PRINCESSES #1-4 reform admiring ranks behind them.)MADAME: And now, my pretty, flitty wrens, I shall demonstrate—to

all of you, but most particularly to you, dear Eglantine—how best to deal with motes of dust and other seemingly minor but possibly hurtful daily irritants. (LIZZIE, broom in hand, rises from the shrubbery behind them.) How to manage our worlds with an elegance of lifestyle and the grace of the Venus flytrap. (LIZZIEtiptoes warily toward the open doors.) Remember, all manner of evil can fly up and attack such sensitive personages as you will be by the time I’m finished with you. To wit— (Calls to the air.) Liz-ZIE! (LIZZIE freezes in the background.) LIZ-zie!

LIZZIE: (Turns slowly to MADAME, who does not deign to look at her.) Madame?

MADAME: M’lady, Lizzie, I’m m’lady to you. (To PRINCESSES.) Take note, my really rosy grosbeaks—require servants to address you as m’lady. To relax this rule results in flippety, uppity servants. (To the air.) Lizzie, approach.

LIZZIE: Yes, m’lady. (Hurries to MADAME. PRINCESSES #1-4 hide well-bred giggles.)

MADAME: (To the air.) Tsk, tsk. You are a careless sweeper, Lizzie. There is a dust mote in our path. Kindly remove it.

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LIZZIE: M’lady. (Raises her broom.)MADAME: (Gasps. LIZZIE freezes.) You would sweep and swipe

and raise more dust? Is that what you would do? (LIZZIE lowers her broom.) Watch and learn, my charming tutelagees. (Touches a fingertip to her lips, then points at the ground.) If you would be so kind. (LIZZIE falls to her knees, lays down her broom, touches her fingertip to her tongue, applies her fingertip to the dust mote, raises her fingertip to MADAME for inspection. MADAME recoils and turns to PRINCESSES. LIZZIE doesn’t know what to do with the dirt. Behind MADAME’S back, EGLANTINE throws a wad of cloth at LIZZIE, who swipes her finger on it, then wads it up and keeps it in one hand.) To wit, my budding swans— Issue orders firmly but with kindness. There is no need to shriek. (To the air.)And now, Lizzie, hurry, hurry, launder linens, wash windows, scour scuttles, bathe the dog—and see to your apron. It’s disgusting and does not reflect well on the Academy.

LIZZIE: M’lady. (Scrambles to her feet, grabbing the spitball and dragging her broom up with her. She backs away LEFT to CENTER with her broom.)

MADAME: (To PRINCESSES.) Let us proceed a gentler, kinder way, my chipper chickadees. (Parasols twirling, PRINCESSES follow MADAME to DOWN RIGHT steps to aisle through AUDIENCE.)

PRINCESSES: (Ad-lib as they proceed down the aisle.). A fine day! A charming day! See all the pretty posies! Lovely tussy-mussies! etc. (LIZZIE watches them wistfully, then copies their ladylike steps and grand gestures as they EXIT out the BACK OF AUDITORIUM.)

OLDMA: (To BAKER.) Poor Lizzie has a hard life.BAKER: A life of work and woe.OLDMA: Still, life can change…BAKER: I don’t know how.OLDMA: Neither do I. Yet.BAKER: Let it go, Oldma. Lizzie is lucky to have a roof over her head.OLDMA: She should have so much more.LIZZIE: (To herself, reciting.) You can have any or all of these

qualities, so long as you don’t sweat. (Hoists her broom and twirls it like a parasol. Immediately, she coughs, lowers her broom and wipes her eye.) Oh, why try? Who do I think I am? Why do I think he’ll ever come… someone who will love me…

OLDMA: Oh, dear.LIZZIE: (To herself.) He doesn’t have to be much.

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OLDMA: Oh, my.LIZZIE: (To herself.) After all, I myself am a mutt.OLDMA: Oh, well, enough of that! Perhaps a Cherry-Berry

Confectionary would sweeten Lizzie’s day.BAKER: Certainly boost her vegetable intake.LIZZIE: (Tragic, leans on her broom.) Oh, my life is hard. Full of hurtful

dust. (Her broom slips. She falls flat with a SOUND EFFECT: THUD.) Ow!

GABRIOLA: (ENTERS from behind her shop’s banner, alarmed. To OLDMA.) ¿Qué pasa?

OLDMA: Lizzie has fallen, and she’s not getting up—wait! She’s talking. Perhaps she’s coming around…

LIZZIE: This ground is full of dirt. (Dejectedly touches her fingertip to her tongue, then to the ground, then wipes her dirty fingertip on the broom.)

GABRIOLA: Oh, poor, poor Lizzie!BON MOT GUY: (ENTERS around his shop’s banner and crosses to

LIZZIE.) Heard you splat. You okay?LIZZIE: (Weary.) Yes, thank you, I am fine.BON MOT GUY: (Sudden inspiration.) Hands down, a hand up is

helpful. (Offers his hand.)LIZZIE: Oh, well… not right now, but thank you.BON MOT GUY: (Crosses to BAKER’S cart.) Listen to this—”Hands

down, a hand up is helpful.” Pretty good, don’t you think? I do. You know, for just ripping it off the cuff, not giving it much thought. Lizzie didn’t like it. What’s wrong with it? (OLDMA, BAKER and GABRIOLA stare at him.) No, really, I mean it, I’m looking for some, you know, editorial feedback here. “Hands down, a hand up is helpful.” Pretty good, huh? (OLDMA, BAKER, and GABRIOLA look at one another.)

LIZZIE: (Weary, to the world.) I am okay, I will cope… I guess…BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (ENTERS from behind his shop’s

banner and crosses to GABRIOLA.) ¿Qué pasa, Señorita? Heard a plotz. What’s with that?

BON MOT GUY: (Bitter.) Oh, all right, you hate it. Why do I try? I should give up! Y’know what? I do! I just give up! (Crosses to his shop.)

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (Watches BON MOT GUY.) What’s eating him?

BON MOT GUY: (To an uncaring world.) I ’spose we could all just go to that sonnet woman. I mean, who wants a short, pithy bon

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mot when they could have a whole, long, deadly sonnet? (EXITSbehind his banner.)

GABRIOLA: His bon mot… tragically it—how do you say?—stinks.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (Shrugs.) Typical. His bon mots always

bomb. He should stick to his sweet nothings. So, what’s happenin’?GABRIOLA: Ah, amigo, is so sad— Lizzie has fallen off her broom

and lies dejected on the ground.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (Considers LIZZIE.) Fell off her broom,

huh? (To OLDMA.) What is she, taking up witchcraft?OLDMA: Certainly not. She’s just having a bad day.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (Shrugs.) Typical. (To GABRIOLA.) No?GABRIOLA: Sí, it is true— Lizzie, she has many terrible days.

(GLOVE SELLER and BOOT SELLER ENTER from behind their shops’ banners and join the group.)

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (To BAKER.) Small box of birds help, you think? Got one just came back. Returns! Tell you what, I’m gonna change my guarantee.

BAKER: Boxed birds won’t help. What that girl needs is to switch careers and get a life.

GLOVE SELLER: Perhaps a nice glove?GABRIOLA: A glove? One glove? You gonna give that poor girl one

stinking glove?GLOVE SELLER: Well, a nice glove. Top of the line, fit for a princess.

Nice gloves always make me feel better.LIZZIE: (Tragic.) After all, I’m just a maid. I have the sensitivity of a

stump.GLOVE SELLER: See? Lizzie won’t mind. She’s not sensitive.LIZZIE: Get back up? Dust myself off? Start all over again? I think not.

I’d just fall down again.BOOT SELLER: Yup, that gal’s in a world of hurt. Say! I could give

her a nice discount on a pair of used boots. What’d’ya think? Cheer her up? Get her back to normal?

GLOVE SELLER: Ridiculous!OLDMA: Stop this, all of you! Something sensible must be done!LIZZIE: (Tragedienne on a roll.) Oh, I am poor, I have no hope, my

best friend is my broom…GABRIOLA: (Sad, shakes her head.) Tch, tch, tch!BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Typical.BAKER: No, that’s not typical. Not of Lizzie.

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OLDMA: Well, at least she’ll have a Cherry-Berry Confectionary! (Reaches for her umbrella.)

BAKER: For which you haven’t paid, Oldma. As yet. FYI. You took my eye with all them ruffles, but I have to make a living.

OLDMA: Oh! Forgive me— I was distracted… I’ll— (Digs in one big pocket.)

BOOT SELLER: (To GLOVE SELLER.) What’s ridiculous about givin’ the gal a discount?

GLOVE SELLER: On used boots? Come on, live large, kick it up a notch.

BOOT SELLER: Same to you! One glove, that’s a hoot!OLDMA: (Brings up something from her pocket and looks at it,

surprised. To herself.) What’s this? I thought it was all gone! Well! (Returns whatever it is back to the “mysterious” pocket and digs in another pocket.)

BOOT SELLER: (To GLOVE SELLER.) I’m a plain-spoken man, I’ll put it to you this way— I wouldn’t give a dog one glove!

GLOVE SELLER: A dog wouldn’t want a glove!BAKER: (To BOOT and GLOVE SELLERS.) No quarrels! There’s

enough trouble in this morning as it is.OLDMA: (Brings up something from her pocket and looks at it, surprised.

To herself.) What’s this? I thought it was all gone! Well! (Returns the something to the “mysterious” pocket and digs in another pocket. Brings up a coin and hands it to BAKER.) There you are!

BAKER: Thank you, Oldma, and here you are. (Hands OLDMA the upturned umbrella.)

OLDMA: (Takes umbrella.) Thank you. (Crosses to Bibelot shop and EXITS around its banner. In the background, THRONE SELLER ENTERS from around the banner of the Thrones shop, crosses to boxes of birds shop banner, and EXITS around it into that shop. CROWNS CONSULTANT, SONNETS POET and COURT PUMPS COBBLER ENTER from behind their banners and cross to meet at CENTER UPSTAGE of LIZZIE.)

POET: (To CONSULTANT and COBBLER, gossipy.) ’Morning, girls! Look, did you see? Lizzie’s lying on the cold, hard ground!

CONSULTANT: I noticed.COBBLER: Should we fetch Apothecary Paul?CONSULTANT: He’ll just tell her to keep breathing and call in the

morning.POET: Why don’t we just say hello and act like we didn’t see that

she’s—you know?

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COBBLER: Good plan. (They cross to LIZZIE.)POET: (Cheerful.) Hello, Lizzie.CONSULTANT: (Bright.) Hi, Lizzie.COBBLER: (Happy.) Good morning, Lizzie.LIZZIE: (Tragic.) Oh, hello… and good-bye…CONSULTANT: (To COBBLER and POET.) There must be something

we can do.COBBLER: Must be. But what?POET: Well, I could give her my therapist’s card…CONSULTANT: (Shakes her head.) Too expensive.POET: True.COBBLER: Work! Work is the only answer when you’re blue!CONSULTANT: I think Lizzie has enough work.POET: Yes. Well… (CONSULTANT, COBBLER and POET shrug.)COBBLER: Tea time.CONSULTANT: Yes. And we need to practice.POET: Yes. (They cross to BAKER’S cart.)BAKER: Here’s the Ten O’Clock Trio! Ladies, we could set our clocks

by you. What’ll it be?CONSULTANT: (Snaps down a coin.) My usual.POET: (Snaps down a coin.) Our usual.COBBLER: (Snaps down a coin.) As usual, we’d kill for a nut-choked

brownie.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Wouldn’t do it for me. I’d kill for a

customer.CONSULTANT: (To BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER.) Dead at your place?BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: As a dodo bird.BAKER: (Serves the TRIO.) Who’s making the tea at her place this

morning?POET: I am.CONSULTANT: She is.COBBLER: Her turn, you see. Tea and brownie, and then we practice.BAKER: What is it today, ladies? A new song? Or a new sonnet?CONSULTANT: Today it’s a song.COBBLER: A lovely piece.POET: Très lyrique!COBBLER: I arranged it for three voices.

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CONSULTANT: After all, we may be called upon to provide music for a special occasion. (Smiles brightly at the group around the BAKER’S cart. ALL immediately begin to study their feet, the air, their fingernails, anything but the would-be singers. BAKER clears his throat.)

BOOT SELLER: We’re mighty pleased to hear that, gals. But there’s nothing special going on this morning.

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Right. Ordinary morning, nothing special.

GABRIOLA: Well, Lizzie has fallen down, so maybe—GLOVE SELLER: (Interrupts.) You’d want to practice before you sing

for her.COBBLER: You’re right. Be at our best.CONSULTANT: Before we sing her a cheery song.POET: But next time she falls, you can count on us!BOOT SELLER: Glad to hear that, gals.THRONE SELLER: (ENTERS from around Boxes of Birds shop’s

banner, calls to BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER.) There you are! I want a box of birds to set beside one of my quality thrones.

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (To GROUP.) A customer! Gotta go! (Runs to THRONE SELLER. They EXIT into the Boxes of Birds shop as the GROUP around the cart breaks up with ad-libbed “Yeah, me, too.” “Catch you later.” “Wanna do lunch?” etc. POET, CONSULTANT and COBBLER cross to Sonnets shop and EXIT around its banner. The OTHER MERCHANTS cross to their own shops’ banners and EXIT around them. At the same time, OLDMA ENTERS from behind the Bibelot shop’s banner, carrying a small folk-art folding chair, and crosses to LIZZIE.)

OLDMA: Lizzie? (Rests her open, bakery-filled umbrella on the ground and unfolds her chair.)

LIZZIE: (Tragic.) What do you want? What can you possibly want?OLDMA: (Sits and reaches for her umbrella.) Now, then, what’s the

trouble?LIZZIE: Who says there’s any trouble?OLDMA: Well, you’re not your usual self.LIZZIE: Don’t know what you’re talking about.OLDMA: You don’t usually wallow in dirt. You’re behaving like a

drama queen.LIZZIE: I’m not any kind of queen. I’m only a maid. Maids always

wallow in dirt.

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OLDMA: (Gentle.) Is that what you say to yourself when you’re all alone in your mind?

LIZZIE: Well, maybe, but— Oh, no one cares.OLDMA: I care. And quite a large group around the baker’s cart

expressed great concern about you. They all care. Let’s have a Cherry-Berry Confectionary and talk. (Holds out her upturned umbrella by the handle.) Take one, Lizzie.

LIZZIE: Put it lower.OLDMA: Oh, for heaven’s sake, here! (Hands LIZZIE a Cherry-

Berry Confectionary.) And one for me. (Takes one, then crooks her umbrella on her chair and settles back.) There! Come along, Lizzie, sit up. If you eat lying down, you’ll get crumbs in your ears and ants in your hair.

LIZZIE: That’s never happened before. (Sits up anyway.)OLDMA: Most things that happen never happened before. (Nibbles

her confectionary.) That’s the joy of living—constant new things.LIZZIE: (Studied disinterest.) Oh? (Nibbles.)OLDMA: Oh, yes! (Nibbles.) Good things, bad things, but always

something exciting because it’s new.LIZZIE: Hmm. (Nibbles.)OLDMA: You can’t tell if some new thing will be good or bad until you

try it, so you really do have to get out there and try everything!LIZZIE: Huh. (Nibbles.)OLDMA: (Considers LIZZIE, sighs.) You know what I used to want?

(Nibbles.)LIZZIE: No. (Nibbles.)OLDMA: A normal life. Dreamt of it, in fact.LIZZIE: Not much of a dream. I have a normal life. It’s terrible.OLDMA: Well, I have a normal life, too. It’s pretty good. That may

sound pathetic, but—LIZZIE: (Interrupts.) Oh, I know aaaall about pathetic! I used to have

a really pathetic dream. (Nibbles.)OLDMA: Oh? What was it?LIZZIE: Oh, it was—it’s stupid.OLDMA: (Considers LIZZIE, then nibbles.) What do you think of

these confectionaries?LIZZIE: Good. Thanks.OLDMA: You’re welcome. I like them, too. Sweet, crunchy and

fortified with vegetables.

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LIZZIE: (Instantly alarmed.) Vegetables?OLDMA: Why, Lizzie— What’s wrong?LIZZIE: Peas? Are there peas in these?OLDMA: You don’t care for peas?LIZZIE: It was peas that gave my mother the cough. It was the cough

that carried her off. It was the coffin they carried her off in. No peas for me, thank you! None! (Rises.) Nada! (Moves away.) Eighty-sixthe peas!

OLDMA: Was your mother allergic?LIZZIE: What?OLDMA: Was your mother allergic to peas? Or did one just go down

the wrong way?LIZZIE: Yes— No— I don’t know.OLDMA: Are you?LIZZIE: Am I what?OLDMA: Allergic to peas.LIZZIE: I don’t know. And I don’t care to find out!OLDMA: Was she royalty?LIZZIE: Who, my mother?OLDMA: Yes, dear, your mother.LIZZIE: Oldma, if my mother were royalty, would I be a maid? Why

are you asking all these questions?OLDMA: Because most royalty avoid peas like the plague. With

some, it’s an allergy. Eating peas or merely being around them makes them sick. For others, peas are fatal.

LIZZIE: I never heard that.OLDMA: Oh, you wouldn’t have. It’s a little known fact. Why would

royalty go around telling people how to make them sick or, in the most extreme cases, dead?

LIZZIE: Stop, Oldma. I’m getting a headache.OLDMA: You need to eat something.LIZZIE: Well, I can’t eat this, can I? It might have peas in it.OLDMA: Good point. (Calls, waving her nibbled-on confectionary.)

Baker, are there peas in these?BAKER: (Calls.) No! Not one pea! Precious few peas in our fair land

since that time the pease porridge nearly took our good Queen Rowena!

OLDMA: (Calls.) Thank you. (To LIZZIE.) There, you see? Baker says there are no peas in these, and he ought to know, he made them.

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(LIZZIE hesitates, then nibbles.) That’s right. Now tell me about your dream. (Nibbles.)

LIZZIE: What is this, Oldma? Never give up?OLDMA: (Drops the remains of her confectionary into her umbrella,

rises, pinches something from her “mysterious” pocket and crosses to LIZZIE.) That’s right, Lizzie. Never give up.

LIZZIE: (Sighs.) Oh, all right. (Dramatic announcement.) My dream. I’d like, some day— (With growing enthusiasm.) One day, I’d like to take a walk and— (OLDMA gently drops sparkling confetti onto LIZZIE’S cap, unbeknownst to LIZZIE.) Oh, no! Dirt! (LIZZIEsnatches off her cap, and shakes it. SOUND EFFECT: MAGIC SOUND.) Oh, no! Noise! (TWO SMALL HERALDS ENTER DOWN LEFT, marching smartly. They wear Nutcracker-like toy soldier suits, complete with ceremonial swords. Taps on their shoes click. They cross to LIZZIE and OLDMA and halt crisply.)

OLDMA: Hello, kids. Lizzie here would like to take a walk.TWO SMALL HERALDS: (In unison.) She’d like to take a walk! (They

step to either side of LIZZIE and offer their arms.)SMALL HERALD #1: May we have the pleasure of your

accompaniment, Miss Lizzie?LIZZIE: Oh, I’d love to, but… I have to launder, wash, scour, bathe— I

haven’t time to sit around and walk! (HERALDS drop their arms and look at OLDMA.)

OLDMA: I’ll walk with you. (Crosses to LIZZIE and HERALDS.) Who knows? Perhaps we’ll meet the queen. (Winks to AUDIENCE. SOUND EFFECT: MAGICAL SOUND.)

LIZZIE: Oh, no! We can’t! I mean, I can’t! A queen must never see a servant!

OLDMA: Not in castle halls, perhaps. But that rule doesn’t apply to people on walks.

LIZZIE: (A soft wail.) Ohhhhh! Don’t you understand? (A SCREAM from BACK OF AUDITORIUM startles LIZZIE, OLDMA and HERALDS.)

MADAME: (ENTERS from BACK OF AUDITORIUM, runs up the aisle toward the Academy.) Help! Help, help! Help! Help, help! (HERALDS immediately draw their swords.)

OLDMA: Never mind, kids. Take that chair back to the Bibelot shop. (Gestures toward the shop.) There are treats in the umbrella. Take some for yourselves, share the rest with others, then run along. I’ll call you when I need you.

SMALL HERALD #2: Are you sure you’ll be all right?

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OLDMA: Don’t worry. I have a feeling it’s nothing too serious. (HERALDS reluctantly sheathe their swords.) Don’t worry, kids, we’ll be fine. (HERALDS take the folk-art chair, lift it and OLDMA’S umbrella, march them to the Bibelot shop’s banner and EXIT around it.)

PRINCESSES #1-4: (ENTER at the same time, running in from BACK OF AUDITORIUM, supporting EGLANTINE. They follow MADAME down the aisle.) Help! Help, help! Help! Help, help! Help! Help, help! Help! Help, help!

EGLANTINE: (Feebly waving a lacey handkerchief.) Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!MADAME: (Calls.) Liz-ZIE! LIZ-zie!PRINCESSES #1-4: (In unison.) Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie! Help! Help,

help! Help! Help, help!LIZZIE: I have to go! (Grabs up her broom and dashes RIGHT to the

stairs. OLDMA calmly follows to CENTER to watch.)MADAME: (To PRINCESSES #1-4.) Gently! Gently!EGLANTINE: (Plies her hanky.) Ah! Ah!PRINCESSES #1-4: (Softly, rising to run on tiptoes.) Help! Help, help!

Help! Help, help!EGLANTINE: Ah!MADAME: (Pounds up the stairs to the stage. To LIZZIE.) What took

you so long? Where were— What is that?LIZZIE: A Cherry-Berry Confectionary, m’lady.MADAME: Snacking on the job!LIZZIE: I— I—MADAME: We’ll discuss it later. Right now, fetch Apothecary Paul!

We need anodynes! A vicious butterfly has attacked the Princess Eglantine! Hurry, hurry!

EGLANTINE: (Flaps her hanky.) Ah!LIZZIE: Is she—? Will she—?MADAME: Get back, you sweaty Lizzie! You and your dirty broom!

(LIZZIE steps back. MADAME runs past her to the Academy doors.)PRINCESS #1: (Pounds up the stairs. To LIZZIE.) Can’t you see—?PRINCESS #2: (Overlapping. To LIZZIE.) —she’s fair expired!EGLANTINE: Ah!PRINCESS #3: Get back, you sweaty Lizzie!PRINCESS #4: You and your dirty broom!MADAME: (Flings open the Academy doors.) Bring her in! Bring her in!

(PRINCESSES #1-4 help EGLANTINE to doors.) Gently! Gently!

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EGLANTINE: (Turns at doors to pose and flap her handkerchief.) Ah!(Falls backward into the waiting arms of PRINCESSES #1-4, who gently drag her through the doors.)

MADAME: Lizzie, don’t stand there gaping! Fetch Apothecary Paul! Hurry!

LIZZIE: (Skitters away.) Hurry, hurry. (Runs into OLDMA.)OLDMA: (Calmly redirects LIZZIE.) This way.LIZZIE: (Runs UP CENTER to Apothecary Paul’s sign.) Apothecary

Paul! Apothecary Paul!PAUL: (ENTERS from behind his banner. He wears a white chef’s

apron over rusty-looking clothes. The apron’s long ties make a bow in front. In one hand, he holds a test tube with colored liquid—in the other, a large white cloth.) What is it?!

LIZZIE: (Breathless.) Ah—PAUL: (Sharply.) Well?LIZZIE: Ah—PAUL: A what? Spit it out, girl! I’m in the middle of a very tricky

anodynic process.LIZZIE: —tack!PAUL: (Eyes LIZZIE.) Attack? Probably just anxiety. You look the

nervous type. Take a few deep breaths, call me in the morning. (EXITS behind his banner.)

LIZZIE: (Calls.) It’s not me, sir! It’s a royal scholar.PAUL: (ENTERS around his banner.) Royal?LIZZIE: Yes!PAUL: Attacked?LIZZIE: Hurry!PAUL: The barbarians? Blast those barbarians! Good for business,

you understand, but what a mess! Give it to me straight, girl— Where’s the mess?

LIZZIE: Madame Bombazine’s Royal Academy of Royalty.PAUL: Institutions of higher learning—first things they go for! How

bad is it?LIZZIE: A sensitive foreign scholar is in great distress.PAUL: Foreign?LIZZIE: Yes.PAUL: A royal foreigner set upon in our fair and formerly peaceful

land? No time to lose, girl! Wait here! (EXITS around his banner.)LIZZIE: Oh, sir, hurry!

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PAUL: (ENTERS around his banner. His apron is gone. He now carries only his standard black anodyne bag.) The Bombazine establishment?

LIZZIE: Yes, sir, but it’s—PAUL: Go and advise Her Majesty the queen! (Rushes CENTER,

then RIGHT to the Academy.)LIZZIE: (Following him.) But, sir, it’s not the barb—PAUL: (Interrupts, from Academy doors.) Go, girl! Find the queen!

Save the prince! Steady the hope of the future of this fair land!MADAME: (Opens Academy doors.) At last! An anodyne! (Pulls PAUL

inside and slams the door.)LIZZIE: But—OLDMA: (Crosses to LIZZIE.) Never mind, Lizzie. Apothecary Paul

will find out soon enough it’s only a butterfly kiss. Let us walk.LIZZIE: I can’t go walking now! M’lady has returned. I have to launder,

wash, scour—OLDMA: (Interrupts gently.) Think, Lizzie— Will Madame wish you to

raise dust and suds in her establishment with Princess Eglantine so stricken?

LIZZIE: But m’lady’s orders were—OLDMA: (Interrupts gently.) Believe me, Lizzie, Madame doesn’t

want you there now.LIZZIE: I can’t disobey orders. She’ll terminate me!OLDMA: Would that be so bad? Perhaps it’s time for you to find a

new job.QUEEN’S VOICE: (From the BACK OF AUDITORIUM.) Robert, you

must listen. It’s a matter of the gravest importance. (ENTERS and comes down the AISLE through the AUDIENCE accompanied by PRINCE ROBERT. She wears a casual crown and a sporty royal gown. PRINCE wears an Alpine outfit—hat with feather, shirt and lederhosen, long socks and hiking shoes. They proceed up the aisle toward the stage.)

OLDMA: It’s Queen Rowena and Prince Robert! Listen, Lizzie.PRINCE: M-M-Mother! D-D-Do we have to go th-through all this ag-

g-gain?QUEEN: Robert! Keep your voice down! We need privacy. And you

need a princess bride. Our subjects expect and are entitled to nothing less than that. I don’t care if you stutter or not, you must find a royal bride, or your reign will be a mess. And I want a long, peaceful, prosperous reign, whether I’m on the throne or you are!

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PRINCE: (Sighs.) Oh, M-Mother.OLDMA: (To LIZZIE.) There, you see? Queen Rowena anticipates a

mess. She’ll be looking for someone to tidy up. Come along!LIZZIE: (Hangs back.) Oldma, she’s looking for a princess, not a

maid. (Slaps her cap back on.)OLDMA: Come along, Lizzie! (Crosses LEFT, drawing LIZZIE with

her. QUEEN and PRINCE have paused at the stairs to the stage DOWN LEFT.)

QUEEN: What we want—what you want—is someone sensitive, delicate, beautiful, amenable to my current policies and biddable to my will.

PRINCE: (Ironic.) Is that w-w-what I w-want, M-Mother?QUEEN: No question about it! Imagine such a princess, son, just

imagine. (Looks RIGHT, into the air, immediately enraptured.) There! Do you see her?

PRINCE: (Follows her line of sight.) No.QUEEN: (Still enraptured.) Look again, son. Look, look—look to the

wonder! Can you see her now?PRINCE: (Shakes his head “no.”) Well, okay, yeah, sort of.QUEEN: Good! Keep looking! (OLDMA and LIZZIE turn to follow

their line of vision, then look at each other and shrug.) Tell me, Robert— What do you see? Describe her to me.

PRINCE: (Looks at QUEEN.) W-W-well, as you s-said—s-she is d-d-delicate. B-B-Beautiful. As s-sensitive as you. P-P-Probably avoids p-p-peas.

QUEEN: (Still enraptured.) Splendid! (PRINCE looks around, trapped and bored.)

OLDMA: What luck! Come along, Lizzie. (Calls.) Your Majesty!QUEEN: (Startled.) What?OLDMA: Are you and your page lost?QUEEN: (Offended.) The queen and her son and heir the prince lost?

Certainly not! It is our kingdom, we know where we are. Who are you? Approach!

OLDMA: As you wish. (Crosses DOWN LEFT and curtseys. LIZZIE hesitantly follows.)

QUEEN: What are you doing here? Are you spying? Wait— Don’t I know you?

OLDMA: Your Majesty, I beg you listen to a matter of the utmost importance.

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QUEEN: (To PRINCE.) Keep studying the ideal, Robert. I’ll handle this. (Sharply, to OLDMA.) Yes, well? What is it?! (PRINCE looks at LIZZIE, who shyly returns his interest.)

OLDMA: In strictest confidence, Majesty, a royal foreigner has been attacked. Here, in this fair land.

QUEEN: What? Here? In my fair land? (Comes up stairs to OLDMA.)OLDMA: Majesty, I fear it’s true. (QUEEN and OLDMA begin to walk

UPSTAGE together, continuing their conversation in mime.)PRINCE: (To LIZZIE.) Huh-huh-hullo.LIZZIE: Hello, yourself.PRINCE: (Comes up stairs.) My m-m-mother’s always w-w-worried

about affairs of state.LIZZIE: Well, I suppose if anyone ought to worry about affairs of state,

it’s the head of state herself.PRINCE: (Laughs.) I n-n-never thought of it that way.LIZZIE: But won’t you be head of state yourself one day?PRINCE: I s-s-suppose I shall. M-m-mother says so.LIZZIE: Is it what you want for yourself?PRINCE: What I w-w-want? I… I don’t know. Since it is my place in

life, does it m-m-matter what I want?LIZZIE: It’s true, we all have our place in life. We are what we are,

after all. But a very wise person has encouraged me to dream.PRINCE: And who are you in your dreams?LIZZIE: (Laughs.) Well, in my dreams I’m certainly not a maid.PRINCE: With a royal bearing such as you have, I find it hard to

believe you are as you appear.LIZZIE: It’s true there’s always more to a person than meets the eye,

but still, it’s good to be who you are.PRINCE: Indeed, and good to be with someone who accepts you as

you are.QUEEN: (Returns DOWN LEFT with OLDMA, steps in between

PRINCE and LIZZIE.) So it’s serious then. A royal foreigner attacked in my fair land. International implications arise—Robert!

PRINCE: (Surprised.) W-W-What! Er—I m-mean, y-yes, M-M-Mother?

QUEEN: (Indicates LIZZIE.) And who is this person you are consorting with, Robert?

OLDMA: I accompany this royal personage, traveling incognito for personal safety, the times being such a mess. This is the brave, incognito young royal personage who, upon hearing the dire news

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of the attack, bravely sped to fetch Apothecary Paul, who himself flew to the victim with restorative anodynes.

QUEEN: A royal personage, you say?OLDMA: As I said, Your Majesty, she travels incognito.QUEEN: (Looks over LIZZIE’S tattered appearance.) Indeed, very.

Robert! (He jumps.) We must move forward at once on the matter we recently discussed. No time to lose. We face international complications!

PRINCE: B-B-But M-Mother!OLDMA: Majesty, forgive me, I couldn’t help overhearing, but would

the matter under your current discussion be the finding of a suitable princess to marry your son and heir and thus bolster the strength and security of your fair and peaceful land?

QUEEN: On the nose.OLDMA: May I be permitted a suggestion?QUEEN: One. Make it snappy.OLDMA: Perhaps a contest—QUEEN: (Interrupts.) I have neither the time nor the inclination to

indulge in the frivolous. A contest, indeed!OLDMA: Majesty, please allow me—I meant a pageant, a competition

as it were, open to all princesses seeking a prince. With an entry fee, of course. It would be exciting. A low-cost or no-cost, perhaps even profitable undertaking. But it’s up to you, of course….

QUEEN: (To PRINCE.) Keep looking, Robert. Wedge the image of that ideal princess firmly in your mind. (PRINCE returns to looking at LIZZIE as QUEEN turns to OLDMA.) Keep talking.

OLDMA: To repeat, Majesty, a time and energy saving investigation of who’s out there in the matchup marketplace. The entry fee could be set rather high—reasonable for such high stakes, I’d say—but, of course, it’s up to you…

QUEEN: Yeeee-us… I begin to grasp the possibilities…OLDMA: Great possibilities! Major opportunities! You could journey

to the contestants or allow them to come to you. The times being what they are, such a mess, it may be best to have them journey here. But, of course, that, again, is up to you…

QUEEN: I’ve heard that Bombazine establishment is crawling with princesses. I could start with them. Although it might be interesting to take this global…

OLDMA: More money in global. Up to you, of course.

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QUEEN: Mind you, I don’t relish positioning my son and heir as some sort of prize—

OLDMA: (Interrupts.) Who would think that?PRINCE: M-Mother? M-May I have l-l-leave to, ah, l-l-leave?QUEEN: Hush, Robert. I’m engaged in serious business. (PRINCE

steps back, chastened. He looks around, bored, but always his gaze returns to LIZZIE, who is herself concerned about what to do with the remains of her Cherry-Berry Confectionary, which she suddenly realizes she is still holding. During OLDMA and QUEEN’S following exchange, PRINCE and LIZZIE do not pay any attention to them.)

OLDMA: And of course, we—she being a royal personage and I being her close associate, both of us currently incognito for reasons of personal safety—would be delighted to handle the arrangements. If you wish. Up to you.

QUEEN: What that would gain in convenience would be lost in annoying my royal personal assistant.

OLDMA: I quite understand. But the times themselves are a mess, so perhaps time itself is of the essence and convenience beats mere management skill.

QUEEN: Yeeee-us… well! A masterful plan. As cunning as anything ever devised by my elder sis— (Stops, stares at OLDMA.) Whatdid you say your name was?

OLDMA: I didn’t say, Majesty, but my name does not matter. I seek no reward—

QUEEN: (Interrupts.) Your name!OLDMA: (Oddly flustered.) Oh, well— I am called Oldma.QUEEN: Oldma. My subjects’ word for grandmother. Hmm… (Begins

to circle OLDMA, calculating, assessing.) Have you lived here all your life?

OLDMA: Yes, Majesty. I would not care to live anywhere else.QUEEN: Then you’ve heard about my elder sister—the princess who

gave up the throne.OLDMA: Vaguely. However, the complete story escapes me.QUEEN: Let me refresh your memory. My elder sister abdicated. Ran

away. With a groom. Said she wanted a normal life.OLDMA: A reasonable dream.QUEEN: Not if one is born to be queen! No, I suspect something more

was at stake with my elder sister’s rash action. This groom she ran away with was said to be a magician. It was said he gave his power to his bride to win her.

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OLDMA: A great gift.QUEEN: Yes, and I hope they had a wonderful life. What is true but

never said is that I, the new queen, feared my sister would use that magical power to take back the throne when she tired of that life.

OLDMA: Your fear was undoubtedly unwarranted, Majesty. Sisters often squabble, but few actually run swords through each other.

QUEEN: Yet more thrones are taken by cunning than battle. (Shehas come full circle around OLDMA and now confronts her.) AndI know you are cunning. Your plan is proof of that. As cunning as my elder sister. Tell me, how do you feel about peas?

OLDMA: I can take them or leave them alone.QUEEN: As was the case with my elder sister. Perhaps that was why

she began thinking of being normal in the first place. It’s strange, the power of peas…

OLDMA: Majesty?QUEEN: That such a small, green vegetable could so thoroughly blight

the lives of most royalty. How well I know that! I myself am afflicted.OLDMA: I’m sorry for your trouble, Majesty.QUEEN: Thank you. But—well. Back to business. Let me think.

(Turns away, discovers PRINCE is still there.) Robert, weren’t you wanting to leave?

PRINCE: (Startled.) Y-Yes, M-M-Mother, I w-w-was.QUEEN: Why didn’t you go?PRINCE: Y-You n-n-never g-gave m-me leave.QUEEN: Ah. Well, I now give you leave to go. (Looks into the far

distance to think. OLDMA watches the QUEEN and waits.)PRINCE: Th-Th-Thank you, M-M-Mother! (Bounds over to LIZZIE,

takes a deep breath and offers his arm. Unseen by the QUEEN, but under the approving eye of OLDMA, LIZZIE takes his arm. THEY cross to DOWN CENTER. BAKER watches them pass. GABRIOLA, BON MOT GUY and GLOVE SELLER poke their heads from behind their shops’ banners and watch. BON MOT GUY has his quill pen and parchment pad ready.)

PRINCE: (To LIZZIE.) What is so lucky as to rest in your fair hand?LIZZIE: (Deeply embarrassed.) A—well, a rag.PRINCE: A rag? (Laughs and picks it up.) But, no! (Opens it.) This is

a lady’s lacey hanky!LIZZIE: Oh! (Glances back at Academy.) Oh. (To PRINCE.) It was a

gift.PRINCE: From a friend?

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LIZZIE: A secret friend. May I have it back? (PRINCE smiles and offers it back. LIZZIE takes it and balls it in one fist.)

PRINCE: A secret concealed again in one hand. But what is in the other?

LIZZIE: Oh! A Cherry-Berry Confectionary. Want some?PRINCE: (Smiles.) Sure. Thanks. (LIZZIE stuffs the spitball in a pocket,

breaks off a bite and holds it out. PRINCE chews, gazing at LIZZIE. BON MOT GUY scribbles. PRINCE swallows, then glances nervously at QUEEN.) I’ve got to go. Adieu. Let us not say good-bye.

LIZZIE: Adieu. (PRINCE gallantly kisses LIZZIE’S hand, then EXITS UP CENTER, looking back several times. LIZZIE gazes dreamily after him. GABRIOLA ENTERS from behind her shop’s banner and crosses to LIZZIE.)

GABRIOLA: Oh, Lizzie— ¡Qué romántico!LIZZIE: He said, “Adieu! Let us not say good-bye.” And he kissed my

hand.GABRIOLA: ¡Lindísima! Beautiful! (Embraces LIZZIE.)GLOVE SELLER: (ENTERS from around her shop’s banner and

crosses to LIZZIE.) The prince is so cute! (Embraces LIZZIE. GABRIOLA beams, then whirls to run to Boxes of Birds shop and EXITS around its banner.)

BON MOT GUY: (ENTERS from around his shop’s banner and crosses to LIZZIE.) “Adieu. Let us not say good-bye.” I’ve never heard better—and I’m in the business! Nice going, Lizzie! (Embraces LIZZIE. GLOVE SELLER crosses to BOOT SELLER’S shop and EXITS around its banner.)

BAKER: (Flips the sign on his cart to “CLOSED” and crosses to LIZZIE.) I saw the way he looked at you! Life does change. And in just one moment! (Embraces LIZZIE. GABRIOLA and BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER ENTER from around the Boxes of Birds banner. GABRIOLA crosses to Thrones shop and EXITS around its banner. BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER crosses to LIZZIE.)

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Atypical, Lizzie—but terrific! (EmbracesLIZZIE. GLOVE SELLER pulls BOOT SELLER from around his banner. They cross to LIZZIE.)

BOOT SELLER: Gal, when you change careers, you go for broke! Gee-haw! (Embraces LIZZIE.)

THRONE SELLER: (ENTERS from around Thrones shop banner with GABRIOLA. GABRIOLA crosses to Sonnets Aplenty shop and EXITS around its banner. THRONE SELLER crosses to LIZZIE, embraces her.) The prince is a lucky man. I hope he knows it.

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GABRIOLA: (ENTERS from behind Sonnet shop’s banner.) ¡Apúrate! Hurry! Lizzie and the prince! (COBBLER, CONSULTANT and POET ENTER from around Sonnet shop’s banner. THEY cross to LIZZIE. GABRIOLA CONTINUES across to Bibelot shop’s banner and EXITS around it.)

POET: (To LIZZIE.) Ah, love! Ah, amour! (Embraces LIZZIE.)COBBLER: Happy for you, Lizzie. (Embraces LIZZIE.)CONSULTANT: (To COBBLER.) I should hope so! Who isn’t?

(Embraces LIZZIE as GABRIOLA and BIBELOT SELLER ENTER from around Bibelot shop’s banner and cross to LIZZIE.)

BIBELOT SELLER: Dear Lizzie! (Embraces LIZZIE. MERCHANTStalk happily, quietly, to one another.)

QUEEN: (Turns to OLDMA, her thinking finished.) This royal personage you accompany— Where is she? (Looks around, spots LIZZIE with the MERCHANTS.) Oh, there she is. Apparently winning the hearts and minds of the populace. (To OLDMA.) Is she your granddaughter?

OLDMA: Sadly, no.QUEEN: Hmm. This competition you propose— Let us begin tonight.OLDMA: What, so soon?QUEEN: Tonight. In this village. On the very spot my subjects and

your associate are gathered. A trial run, so to speak.OLDMA: Meaning that I and the royal personage I accompany are

on trial?QUEEN: On the nose. She seems to be rather too good at winning

hearts and minds, and I have my suspicions about you. You bring the contesting princesses. I’ll bring a test. It will be soup, I think—a castle specialty. If you produce bona fide royal princesses whom I consider worthy to marry my son, I will employ you and your, ah, royal personage to arrange global competitions. And I’ll make it well worth your time.

OLDMA: And if we fail?QUEEN: Then you may be punished. Boiled in oil, lifelong

endungeonment, banishment—there are many options.OLDMA: Your punishments are harsh.QUEEN: But suitable, I think, for the crime of wasting my time.OLDMA: On such short notice, I can provide only princesses from the

Bombazine establishment.QUEEN: Yes, that’s true. (Laughs.) Good luck.

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OLDMA: Your Majesty, I—very well, tonight. (Curtseys. QUEEN crosses to the MERCHANTS grouped around LIZZIE.)

MERCHANTS: (In unison.) Your Majesty. (They part, bow and curtsey. QUEEN acknowledges them regally, then EXITS UP CENTER. MERCHANTS relax.)

LIZZIE: (Calls.) Oldma! (Crosses, running, ecstatic; to OLDMA.) Oh, Oldma, you were right! A maid can look at a queen on a walk! And—Oldma!—a prince—the prince!—may look at me! He said, “Adieu,” Oldma! “Adieu, let us not say good-bye.”

OLDMA: (Stern.) But you must say good-bye, Lizzie.LIZZIE: But, Oldma—OLDMA: You are not a princess, Lizzie. You are an orphan and a

maid. LIZZIE: But, Oldma, you said I should dream…OLDMA: Dream, yes, but be practical about it, too. You now have a

chance to become something more. Will you take that chance, Lizzie?

LIZZIE: I— Oldma, he meant it, I’m sure he did. He said we shouldn’t say good-bye. He said, “Adieu, let us not say—”

OLDMA: Oh, Lizzie. It’s impossible to say good-bye when you’ve barely even said hello.

LIZZIE: I— (Crestfallen.) You’re right. What must I do? What chance do you want me to take?

OLDMA: I’ll explain it to everyone at the same time. Come, Lizzie. (Crosses to the MERCHANTS, drawing LIZZIE with her. MERCHANTS burst into applause.) Stop!

BON MOT GUY: Why? We have something to celebrate!GABRIOLA: Sí! Lizzie and the Prince! ¡Qué romántico!MERCHANTS: (Ad-lib.) Yes! That’s right! It’s wonderful! Amour!OLDMA: You’re wrong. All of you.GLOVE SELLER: No, we’re not! Lizzie and the prince are an item.OLDMA: They are not an—BOOT SELLER: (Interrupts.) ’Course they are! Talk about your

career switches!OLDMA: Let’s do talk about careers. Lizzie will begin a new one.

She will become an event planner. There’s a future in that. Her first event will be tonight, and it will be right here. There will be refreshments—soup—so we’ll need a table, chairs, tableware, flatware—

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CONSULTANT/POET/COBBLER: (In unison.) Music? (OTHERMERCHANTS look at OLDMA, surreptitiously shaking their heads “no.”)

OLDMA: I doubt we’ll need music, although the contestants may provide some. The event is a competition for the prince’s hand in marriage.

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (Astonished.) A competition for the prince’s hand in marriage?

LIZZIE: (Stricken.) Oldma!BAKER: She can’t do that, Oldma. Why, it would be heartbreaking!

You should have seen the way he looked at her!OLDMA: (Ignores BAKER.) It will be the first of many such

competitions. Lizzie will present herself as a royal personage.GLOVE SELLER: A royal personage?OLDMA: Yes. She will travel all over the known world. I will accompany

her. It’s a momentous career step for her. I hope all of you will help her succeed. (MERCHANTS eye one another, unsure.)

CONSULTANT: I say— Well, I say it goes without saying! We’ll do everything we can to help Lizzie.

POET: Of course.THRONE SELLER: You mean, she won’t be the queen, but she’ll be

almost like one?OLDMA: That’s right. A queen without the headaches.THRONE SELLER: Well, that’s okay, then, I guess. If that’s what she

wants…LIZZIE: It isn’t, really. But then again, it is. Oh, I don’t know what I—OLDMA: (Ignores LIZZIE.) The first step is a makeover. Lizzie must

look like a royal personage. Image is all.CONSULTANT: I can help with that.OLDMA: Good. Although, wait a minute. (Whips off LIZZIE’S cap with

one hand, reaches into her “mysterious” pocket with the other and drops sparkling confetti on LIZZIE’S head. SOUND EFFECT: MAGIC SOUND.)

LIZZIE: Oh, no! Noise! Dirt! (Frantically brushes her hair with her hands. TWO SMALL HERALDS ENTER DOWN LEFT, marching smartly, and cross to OLDMA. MERCHANTS and LIZZIE are flummoxed.)

GABRIOLA: Who’re the hombres bajos?LIZZIE: Yes, Oldma, who are those little guys?OLDMA: Never mind. (To HERALDS.) She wants to look like a

queen.

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SMALL HERALD #1: A queen! What fun!SMALL HERALD #2: We’ll help you look like a queen! (They grasp

LIZZIE’S arms.)LIZZIE: Just a minute!OLDMA: Kids, take her to the Crowns & Beauty Spots & Crèmes

shop. (Gestures to the shop’s banner.) And you’ll need to take the beauty consultant, too. (Pulls CONSULTANT forward.)

TWO SMALL HERALDS: Ooooh, a beauty consultant.OLDMA: Yes, she’ll work wonders. And come right back, kids. I

have other work for you. (To MERCHANTS.) We have much to do as well. Let’s get organized. (ONE SMALL HERALD holds onto LIZZIE’S arms. The OTHER SMALL HERALD grasps the CONSULTANT’S arm and marches her to LIZZIE’S side. Then BOTH SMALL HERALDS march LIZZIE and CONSULTANT to Crowns shop’s banner. ONE SMALL HERALD steps forward to pull the shop’s banner aside. The OTHER SMALL HERALD steps back and pushes LIZZIE and CONSULTANT into the shop. The shop’s banner drops, the TWO SMALL HERALDS execute a snappy about-face and march back to OLDMA.) Well done, kids.

BOOT SELLER: Let’s go to my shop. It’s the biggest. We can sit down.OLDMA: Excellent.BOOT SELLER: I’ll go set up some chairs.THRONE SELLER: I’ll help.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Me, too.BON MOT GUY: Me, three. (ALL look at him.) Give me a break! They

can’t all be gems! (ALL nod. BON MOT GUY is mollified.)GABRIOLA: Lizzie and I are the same size. I’ll bring some dresses.

She can pick. GLOVE SELLER: Gloves! She’ll need gloves!POET: I’ll premiere my new sonnet! Elegant words to inspire us!GLOVE SELLER: Oh, we’ll all love that, honey. (GABRIOLA flashes

a reproving glance at GLOVE SELLER.)COBBLER: Court pumps!BAKER: Almost lunch time— I’ll bring some bagels.BIBELOT SELLER: I have soup. (Double-time: BOOT SELLER,

THRONE SELLER, BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER and BON MOT GUY cross to Boot Seller’s shop and EXIT around its banner. GABRIOLA crosses to her shop’s banner, and EXITS around it. GLOVE SELLER, POET, COBBLER and BIBELOT SELLER cross to their shops’ banners and EXIT around them. BAKER

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crosses to his cart, snaps a paper bag open and piles in bagels. As he does so, GABRIOLA ENTERS from around her shop’s banner, carrying two zipped garment bags. POET ENTERS from behind her banner, carrying a large, impressive folio. COBBLER ENTERS from behind her banner, brandishing a pair of court pumps, one shiny shoe in each hand.)

COBBLER: Latest style!POET: Right size?COBBLER: Soon find out. (GABRIOLA, COBBLER and POET cross

to Crowns shop’s banner and EXIT around it.)BAKER: (Closes his bag of bagels and crosses to Bibelot Seller’s

shop.) Need help?BIBELOT SELLER’S VOICE: (From her shop.) Yes, thanks.OLDMA: (To TWO SMALL HERALDS.) Help them, kids. (TWO

SMALL HERALDS come to attention, salute OLDMA, then march crisply to BAKER.)

BIBELOT SELLER: (ENTERS, holds out a soup tureen and ladle.) Court bouillon—all I had. Hope it’s okay.

BAKER: (Hastily hands his bagel bag to ONE SMALL HERALD, then takes the tureen.) Perfect! (BIBELOT SELLER smiles and EXITS around her banner, immediately RE-ENTERING from behind her banner to hand a stack of napkins to the OTHER SMALL HERALD. She EXITS around her banner, immediately RE-ENTERING with stacked soup plates and a fistful of soup spoons.)

OLDMA: I’ll be right there. (BIBELOT SELLER, BAKER and TWO SMALL HERALDS salute, cross to Boot Seller’s banner and EXIT around it. SILENCE falls on Castle Way. OLDMA hugs herself and paces.)

PRINCE: (ENTERS UP CENTER.) No one here. (As he crosses DOWN, OLDMA steps back, pulls the Bonbon and Truffles shop’s banner aside to conceal herself.) Where’d they all go? (Stops,bewildered.) Why did I think she’d still be here? Guess I just wanted her to be here. I didn’t stutter once talking to her! I felt so at ease… is that love? (OLDMA peeps around the Bonbon shop’s banner.) But me? In love? Can I finally have found what I want? Someone I can love? (EXITS UP CENTER, bemused.)

OLDMA: (Comes from behind her banner and watches PRINCE leave.) Well. He loves her, she loves him. For better or worse, I dip into my purse. (Reaches into her “mysterious” pocket.) Not much left. (Takes a fistful from the pocket and considers.) Use it! For better, I hope! But if worse comes to worst and punishment follows, I have one spell left. So now— Let the magic take over!

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(Turns in a swoop of a circle, releasing a huge swirl of sparkling confetti. SOUND EFFECT: MAGIC SOUND. TWO SMALL HERALDS ENTER from behind Boot Seller’s banner, their tap shoes clicking, and march to OLDMA.)

TWO SMALL HERALDS: (In unison, softly.) Oldma?OLDMA: I’ve stepped aside, kids. The magic’s in charge. Life might

change, for the better I hope, but…. (Shrugs. The TWO SMALL HERALDS look at each other, then nod soberly, draw their swords and go to OLDMA, each one taking one of her hands, their toy swords at the ready. OLDMA whispers.) Thank you, kids. (BLACKOUT.)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWOLIGHTS UP: A short time later. Two small thrones sit helter-skelter in Castle Way. A table sits DOWNSTAGE. BIBELOT SELLER scurries from her shop to Crowns shop, carrying a colorful bundle of fabric. She EXITS around Crowns shop’s banner.PAUL: (Simultaneously ENTERS from the Academy, carrying his

small black apothecary bag. MADAME ENTERS behind him and hovers in the open doors.) In short, Madame, if that’s the worst thing that ever happens to that girl, she will have lived a remarkably blissful life! Next time keep breathing and call me in the morning! (BIBELOT SELLER ENTERS from around Crowns shop’s banner, scurries to her shop’s banner and EXITS around it.)

MADAME: I, er… yes. Of course. (EXITS by closing her doors.)PAUL: (Crosses to CENTER, muttering and scuffling, looking at the

ground.) Vicious butterfly attack! What on earth gets into ’em? (Simultaneously, the THRONE SELLER ENTERS from behind his banner, carrying a large throne, and crosses DOWN CENTER. PAUL runs into the table.) Ow! (Backs away from the table and crashes into the large throne.) Yi! (Falls face forward onto the table.) Oof! (Hangs on to the table for dear life.) Butterflies, furniture— What next? Mad dogs and barbarians?

THRONE SELLER: (Sets down the large throne.) You all right, Paul?

PAUL: I think I know that voice… (Twists cautiously, still hanging onto the table, to see THRONE SELLER.) It is you! What are you doing?

THRONE SELLER: Moving the thrones for Lizzie’s event.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (ENTERS from behind his banner,

carrying a box of birds. SOUND EFFECT: BIRDS IN FULL CRY. To THRONE SELLER.) Where does this go?

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PAUL: What event? Who’s Lizzie?THRONE SELLER: Set it on the table for now. (BOXES OF BIRDS

SELLER crosses to table and sets down his box of singing birds. PAUL cringes from the box but hangs onto the security of the table.)

OLDMA: (Simultaneously ENTERS from behind Crowns shop’s banner, carrying her furled umbrella and the colorful bundle of fabric formerly carried by the BIBELOT SELLER.) Get the hair done. (Crosses to the table.)

PAUL: (Backs away from everything and EVERYONE.) Get back! All of you! This used to be a peaceful thoroughfare. Now it’s awash in furniture and a-shriek with birds! I am agog at this disarray!

OLDMA: So am I, Paul. So much to do, so little time—Queen and Prince coming tonight, Lizzie’s makeover—

PAUL: (Snaps into business mode.) Makeover?OLDMA: Yes. Lizzie must look like a royal personage. That’s her new

image, and—PAUL: No makeover is complete without a scent. This Lizzie— What

is her preferred scent?OLDMA: Scent?PAUL: Fragrance. (OLDMA looks at BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER and

THRONE SELLER, nonplussed.)THRONE SELLER: Her smell, Oldma.OLDMA: Yes, I know that, but I— Well, it hadn’t occurred to me

that— (To PAUL.) What scent do you recommend?PAUL: I have two or three new fragrances this Lizzie may like. (With

false modesty.) I’ve dabbled a bit in parfumery.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (Astonished.) Dabbled in parfumery.PAUL: Well, yes. It’s more genteel than boluses or capsules. Not to

mention the ensuing stress should my pills and powders prove ineffective to my patients. And, of course, the crowns and beauty spots consultant has the crèmes market cornered, so… (Shrugs.)…scents made sense.

THRONE SELLER: Might be a good idea to see which of your scents Lizzie prefers.

OLDMA: Yes, all right, fine. Carry some samples to the Crowns shop, let Lizzie sniff. The kids and I must dress and get to Madame Bombazine’s. Still have to arrange for her students’ participation in tonight’s event, can’t let that go too long.

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Change in my shop, if you’d like.

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OLDMA: Thank you, we will. Come along, kids. (She and TWO SMALL HERALDS, their shoes tapping, cross to Boxes of Birds shop and EXIT around its banner.)

PAUL: What is this event? I’ve been so busy working, you see, that I’m— ah—

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Out of the loop. Sure, stands to reason. The event is a competition for the prince’s hand in marriage.

PAUL: (Taken aback.) That’s rather—distasteful. Isn’t it? I mean, a contest for the prince?

THRONE SELLER: Well, it’s really more of a money-maker.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: And a career launch for Lizzie.PAUL: Oh, it’s business! Well, in that case, it’s a fine idea. I’ll just get

my first sample. (Crosses UP to his shop and EXITS around its banner.)

BIBELOT SELLER: (Simultaneously ENTERS from behind her banner and crosses to DOWN CENTER. To THRONE SELLER.)No, no, no! The table’s got to be down here. (Points to DOWN CENTER.) Weren’t you listening? With a small throne on either side and a large throne for the queen at the head. Please hurry! I’ve got to get the table set! Then I have to dress! And turn off this box of birds—it’s making me crazy! (Holding her head, she crosses to her banner and EXITS behind it.)

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: No problem. (Crosses to box of birds and switches it off. SOUND EFFECT: CLICK! BIRDSONG OUT. To THRONE SELLER.) Now what?

THRONE SELLER: Get the candelabra, get everything set up.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Good plan. (They cross to Thrones

shop as PAUL ENTERS from behind his banner, struggling under the weight of a brightly colored jeroboam of scent.)

THRONE SELLER: Whoa! Better let us help.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Yeah—drop that, and we’d be scent to

high heaven!PAUL: Tawdry joke— Oh, watch out! It’s slipping!THRONE SELLER: Hang on! (Runs to PAUL and rescues the

jeroboam.)PAUL: Only two more!BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Two more this size?PAUL: (Incensed.) Well, I’ve been working for a very long time.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: I guess. (PAUL and BOXES OF BIRDS

SELLER EXIT around Apothecary shop’s banner.)

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BON MOT GUY: (ENTERS from behind his shop’s banner, crosses to DOWN CENTER, looks UP CENTER. Calls to THRONE SELLER.) Whatcha got?

THRONE SELLER: Perfume. Drop it, and we’d all be scent to high heaven.

BON MOT GUY: (Laughs.) Good line!THRONE SELLER: It’s yours for helping us carry these samples to

the Crowns shop. Lizzie has to pick out a scent for tonight.BON MOT GUY: (Crosses UP to THRONE SELLER.) There’s

more?THRONE SELLER: Apparently. (BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER

ENTERS from behind Apothecary’s door, staggering under the weight of another jeroboam of scent.)

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Heavy!BON MOT GUY: How heavy?THRONE SELLER: You can do it.BON MOT GUY: Well, okay. In here? (EXITS around Apothecary

shop’s banner. THRONE SELLER and BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER wait, juggling the weights they carry.)

MADAME: (Calls OFF, from Academy.) Liz-ZIE? Lizzie!LIZZIE: (ENTERS from behind Crowns shop’s banner. A stylist’s cape

has replaced her apron, huge rollers have replaced her cap and shiny court shoes have replaced her sneakers—but not her socks. Her face is becomingly made up. Calling.) I’m com—

CONSULTANT’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) We’re not done! (CONSULTANT APPEARS behind her banner and catches LIZZIE’S arm. LIZZIE’S slick new shoes slip. She takes a pratfall. CONSULTANT gently drags her back into the shop.)

LIZZIE’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) These shoes are mean!PRINCESSES #1-4: (From the Academy, calling.) Lizzie, Lizzie,

Lizzie, where’s our lunch, lunch, lunch!COBBLER’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) Don’t worry, Lizzie, we’ll

tape the soles. And they do look gorgeous.LIZZIE’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) They’re more beautiful than

anything I’ve ever worn.MADAME/PRINCESSES #1-4: (The Academy doors rip open.

MADAME and PRINCESSES APPEAR in the open doors.) Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Lest we expire!

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (To THRONE SELLER.) They’re gonna expire?

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THRONE SELLER: Know what you mean. (He and BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER juggle their burdens.)

BON MOT GUY: (ENTERS from behind Apothecary shop’s banner, struggling with his jeroboam. To THRONE SELLER and BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER.) The word stinkum acquires serious weight. How far do we have to carry these?

OLDMA: (ENTERS from behind Boxes of Birds shop’s banner, spots the scent bottles and gasps. She now wears a vaguely medieval overskirt and headpiece over her original costume and carries her furled umbrella.) Get back, kids! That stuff could be flammable! (SOUND EFFECT: CLICKS of TWO SMALL HERALDS’ RETREATING FEET from OFFSTAGE.)

PAUL: (ENTERS from behind Apothecary shop’s banner.) The only flame these scents will ignite is in the hearts of those who sniff them! Here are floral… (Taps THRONE SELLER’S jeroboam.)…fruity (Taps BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER’S jeroboam.) …and—the ultimate!—musk. (Taps BON MOT GUY’S jeroboam.)

OLDMA: Oh. Well, come along, kids. (TWO SMALL HERALDS ENTER from behind Boxes of Birds shop’s banner, their shoes tapping. They wear their original costumes, which now have rich new sashes. To PAUL.) The student princesses may also be interested.

PAUL: The market expands! We need consumer containers. (EXITSaround his banner as OLDMA and HERALDS cross DOWN RIGHT to Academy.)

THRONE SELLER: Hurry, Paul!BON MOT GUY: Yeah, step on it.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Lest we expire. (A fakey falsetto moan:

Ahhhhhhh!)MADAME: (Glances back into the Academy.) Was that our dear

Eglantine? (Turns back, wringing her hands. Calling, to OLDMA.)Where is Lizzie?

OLDMA: Lizzie is busy. I bring news.PRINCESS #1: We can’t eat news!PAUL: (ENTERS from behind his banner, pulling a small wagon with

about a half-dozen small bottles in it.) Onward! Crowns shop! Academy! (THRONE SELLER, BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER and BON MOT GUY stagger DOWN Castle Way with their loads, followed by PAUL and his clanking wagon. They cross RIGHT and EXIT around Crowns shop’s banner.)

CONSULTANT’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) What’s all this?

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PAUL’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) My especial fragrances, from which Lizzie may select her own signature scent.

OLDMA: (To MADAME.) It’s news of the utmost importance.PRINCESS #2: But we faint with hunger!MADAME: Hush, my sweet grackles. (To OLDMA.) News of

importance to whom?BON MOT GUY’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) Watch out, mine’s

going!OLDMA: To you, Madame Bombazine, and to all your student

princesses.GABRIOLA’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) Got it!PRINCESS #3: We quake, so weak are we.GLOVE SELLER’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) Oh, try this one,

Lizzie.LIZZIE’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) I like it.OLDMA: Tonight there is to be a competition for the Prince’s hand in

marriage.MADAME: Prince Robert? Shy kid? One who stutters?OLDMA: The very one. He has a slight and charming stutter, never

apparent to those sufficiently sensitive to put him at ease.PRINCESS #4: We fair expire!MADAME: (To PRINCESSES.) Hold firm, chick-a-biddies!

(PRINCESSES moan. To OLDMA.) Odd you mention sensitivity. As you may know, I have under my tutelage some of the most sensitive princesses ever assembled in this fair land. You see how sensitive they are in the face of a single late meal! In fact, one of these remarkable young royal personages is so sensitive—and rich—as to be presently recuperating from the attack of a butterfly. Imagine!

OLDMA: Hard to imagine, but I take you at your word. Will you honor us with your presence tonight?

MADAME: Well… it isn’t the old glass slipper trick, is it?OLDMA: No, of course not.MADAME: Because it would be extremely painful to my sensitive

tutelagees to cut and pare their feet to fit into some ridiculously small shoe. Not to mention that then, should the prince not select them, there they would be with mangled appendages and precarious futures. Damaged princesses do not command a premium, as I’ve sure you—

OLDMA: (Gently interrupts.) I quite understand. My assistant—a royal personage traveling incognito—and I will set the stage. All

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that is required of you is to prepare your students—dress them, primp them, pamper them, instruct them in courtly courtesy and soup consumption.

MADAME: Of course, of course, goes without saying. Well! We are delighted to be invited, and we will attend.

OLDMA: Excellent. My heralds… (Gestures to TWO SMALL HERALDS.) …will collect your student princesses this evening and usher them one by one to dine with the queen and the prince. (PRINCESSES #1-4, greatly excited, ad-lib: “To Dine! Sooo exciting! Who needs lunch?”)

MADAME: Your heralds! I wondered who those short people were. How sweet that they turn out to be your heralds. Well, we await your summons. Come, my wee, cunning grackles. (EXITS, taking the excited, no-longer-hungry PRINCESSES #1-4 inside with her and closing the doors.)

OLDMA: Kids, guard these doors! Let no snoopers out!SMALL HERALD #1: Don’t worry, Oldma.SMALL HERALD TWO: We can handle these prissy princesses.

(They march to flank the doors.)SMALL HERALD ONE: Right, we’re strong. (They strike muscleman

poses.)SMALL HERALD TWO: Mighty.SMALL HERALD ONE: Powerful.OLDMA: I can see that. Thanks, kids.PAUL: (ENTERS from behind the Crowns shop’s banner. His clanking

wagon now holds the scent jeroboams, much diminished. He crosses to the Academy. To OLDMA.) I take it Madame and her students are at home?

OLDMA: They are. Don’t be too long and don’t forget to dress, Paul. (To TWO SMALL HERALDS.) Allow Paul in and out. (TWOSMALL HERALDS salute. PAUL knocks on Academy doors. OLDMA begins cross to Crowns shop.)

MADAME: (Flings open the Academy doors.) Paul! You’ve come to check on our dear Eglantine!

PAUL: No, Madame, I have not. And I am no longer Apothecary Paul. You see before you Parfumery Paul. I bear scents.

MADAME: Just in time! (Pulls PAUL inside. His clanking wagon lurches behind him. The doors close. LIZZIE ENTERS from behind Crowns shop’s banner. The stylist’s cape is gone, and her hair is dressed becomingly. One ratty black sleeve has been pushed up to make way for a long, white glove. The second glove drapes her

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neck, as she’s in the middle of the fuss of getting dressed up. She sucks in deep breaths.)

OLDMA: Lizzie! Are you all right?LIZZIE: I needed air. It’s crowded in there, and they’re all heavily

scented.OLDMA: You continue to breathe, I’ll get them out. (EXITS around

Crowns shop’s banner. Immediately RE-ENTERS, pulling BON MOT GUY with her.) Get dressed. And work on this—“The heart has its reasons, the… whatever, something, blah, blah.”

BON MOT GUY: Is this a commission?OLDMA: Yes.BON MOT GUY: Ma’am, I’m honored. I accept it! (Crosses happily to

his shop’s banner and EXITS around it.)OLDMA: (Crosses UP to BON MOT GUY’S banner and snaps it

around, reversing it to royal brocade.) Oh, yes, very nice. I wasn’t sure it would work. Like it, Lizzie?

LIZZIE: Looks nice, Oldma. (Begins smoothing her glove dreamily.)OLDMA: (Crosses to Crowns shop and EXITS around its banner,

immediately RE-ENTERS with THRONE SELLER and BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER. She crosses to DOWN CENTER with them.)Furniture in place, then get dressed. Remember to flip your banners.

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Sure thing, Oldma. (He and THRONE SELLER move the table and thrones into place.) Decided where you wanted the box of birds? (OLDMA begins to cross to Bibelot shop’s banner.)

THRONE SELLER: Put it wherever you can get to it in a hurry.OLDMA: (Calls around Bibelot shop’s banner.) Table’s ready.BIBELOT SELLER’S VOICE: (From behind her banner.) Be right

there. (OLDMA crosses to Crowns shop and EXITS around its banner as BIBELOT SELLER ENTERS from around her shop’s banner, carrying soup plates and spoons. Napkins drape one arm. She wears an overskirt like OLDMA’S over her original costume. She crosses to table and sets soup plates, spoons and napkins.)

OLDMA’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) Everybody out! Get dressed! (GABRIOLA, COBBLER and BOOT SELLER ENTER around Crowns Shop’s banner, cross to their shops, flip their banners and EXIT around them.)

BAKER: (ENTERS around Crowns shop’s banner with POET, who carries her folio.) Fix your hair, wash your face, that makes sense, but this is a—a— (Searches for words.)

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POET: Hullabaloo! Much too disruptive to recite!BAKER: Or listen. Won’t you read your new sonnet to me? (Offers

his arm to POET. She takes it. They cross to Sonnets Aplenty’s banner. BIBELOT SELLER crosses to her shop’s banner and EXITS behind it.)

POET: (Coy.) Well, I… yes! I’d be delighted. (They EXIT behind her shop’s banner, which is reversed from behind to royal brocade.)

BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: (To THRONE SELLER.) Anything else?

THRONE SELLER: I’ll get the rest.BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER: Then I’ll get dressed. (Pushes his box

of birds under the large throne, then crosses to his shop’s banner, EXITS around it and flips it to royal brocade from behind. THRONE SELLER crosses to his shop’s banner and EXITS around it.)

BAKER’S VOICE: (From POET’S shop.) Now, dear lady, your sonnet.POET’S VOICE: (From her shop. She clears her throat.) “Beshrew

that heart that makes my heart to groan…” (POET’S voice FADES OUT. BIBELOT SELLER ENTERS from around her shop’s banner, carrying a soup tureen and ladle, crosses to table to set them down, then remains to inspect and adjust her table setting.)

OLDMA: (ENTERS around Crowns shop’s banner and calls to LIZZIE.) Soup lesson, Lizzie.

LIZZIE: (Still admiring her glove.) I’m not hungry, Oldma.GLOVE SELLER: (ENTERS around Crowns shop’s banner.) Well, I

am!OLDMA: (To GLOVE SELLER.) Later. (Crosses to LIZZIE.) You don’t

have to eat. You do have to practice. (LIZZIE and OLDMA cross to Castle Way, GLOVE SELLER follows. THRONE SELLER ENTERS from around his shop’s banner and crosses DOWN, carrying two gilded floor candelabra with candles rigged to “burn” [battery-operated with an on/off switch]. He sets candelabra down on each side of the large throne and “lights” them.)

GLOVE SELLER: Thrones, candles— What next? Flowers?LIZZIE: (To GLOVE SELLER.) These gloves are— I’ve never felt like

a lady before!GLOVE SELLER: (Softens.) Oh— Well, enjoy them, Lizzie. (Crosses

to her shop, lingers by her banner and watches OLDMA hook her umbrella on the large throne, then pull it out to seat LIZZIE, who sits, radiantly happy.)

BIBELOT SELLER: (To THRONE SELLER, who is still “lighting” candles.) Remember to flip your banner. (Crosses to her shop.

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THRONE SELLER finishes the candles and crosses UP CENTER, snaps his banner around to royal brocade, and EXITS behind it. To GLOVE SELLER.) Remember to flip your banner. (Flips hers and EXITS around it.)

GLOVE SELLER: Yeah, yeah, yeah, flip my banner, got it. (Watches OLDMA gently take the long, white glove from LIZZIE’S neck and lay it on the table. She sees LIZZIE’S eyes linger on the glove. To herself.) She is sensitive! I hope— Well, he’s a fool if he doesn’t! (Emphatically snaps her banner around to royal brocade, then EXITS around it.)

OLDMA: (Ladles soup onto LIZZIE’S plate.) Court bouillon, left over from lunch. Eaten hot, room temp or cold. First, unbutton your glove and tuck the hand smoothly back in.

LIZZIE: (Does so.) Why wear gloves in the first place if you’re not really going to wear them?

OLDMA: It’s just done. The queen will wear them. So must you if you want to work for her. Napkin in your lap. (LIZZIE follows orders.)Grasp your spoon. (LIZZIE fists it.) No, like this. (Adjusts LIZZIE’S grip, then guides her hand.) Let the spoon sail away, take just a bit so you don’t drip, then bring it back to port and sip from the side. Now you do it.

LIZZIE: (Does so and drips.) Oh, no! Oldma, I—OLDMA: (Gently interrupts.) Use your napkin. Try again. (LIZZIE

does, elegantly.) Excellent! (SOUND EFFECT: FANFARE FAR OFF.) They’re here! Early! Why, why, why do guests come early! Quick, Lizzie, go dress! (LIZZIE rises uncertainly. OLDMA hands LIZZIE the glove from the table, then takes her shoulders.)Lizzie, you’re beautiful. You look like a royal personage. Do enjoy dinner!

LIZZIE: (Suddenly shy.) Um… thank you, Oldma, I’ll try. (Crosses to Crowns shop’s banner and EXITS around it. SOUND EFFECT: FANFARE OFF, CLOSER.)

OLDMA: Wowowowowow! (BIBELOT SELLER ENTERS around her banner, carrying a clean place setting. She crosses to table, hands the place setting to OLDMA, sets the used place setting and spoon on top of the soup tureen with ladle inside, snatches both up, crosses back to her banner and EXITS around it. She immediately RE-ENTERS to snap her banner around to royal brocade, then EXITS again. OLDMA sets the fresh place setting, pats her hair, snatches up her umbrella. Calls.) Places, all!

BON MOT GUY: (Pokes his head out from his shop’s banner.) Now? I haven’t finished my bon mot.

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OLDMA: (Calls.) Places, now! (ALL MERCHANTS except CONSULTANT ENTER from behind their shops’ banners and stand at attention before them. The WOMEN wear overskirts and headpieces like OLDMA’S. The MEN wear vaguely medieval hats and coats over their original costumes. LIGHTS DIM. CANDLESGLOW. Silver gleams. SPOT FADES UP on Academy and gilds its doors. Beside the doors, TWO SMALL HERALDS stand at attention, their swords upright before their faces. It looks like a different place, a place decidedly fit for royalty—almost.)

LIZZIE’S VOICE: (From Crowns shop.) Oh, no! Your banner! (CONSULTANT ENTERS around Crowns shop’s banner, snaps it reversed to royal brocade and EXITS around it. Simultaneously, GLOVE SELLER EXITS around her shop’s banner, immediately RE-ENTERS with a floral display, dashes to set it on the table, runs back to stand before her banner. OLDMA turns to look UP CENTER. SOUND EFFECT: FANFARE.)

LARGE HERALD: (ENTERS, UP CENTER, carrying a staff. He crosses IN to the middle of the street and thumps his staff. He wears royal livery that echoes the costumes of the MALE MERCHANTS but is more grand.) Make way, make way! Her Royal Majesty, the Queen Rowena! His Royal Majesty, the Prince Robert! (Thumps his staff and steps back respectfully. QUEEN ENTERS UP CENTER. She wears an impressive crown, a trailing robe, a formal gown, and long, white gloves.)

MERCHANTS: (In unison.) Long live the queen! (QUEEN acknowledges her subjects as she crosses majestically to the table. PRINCE ENTERS behind QUEEN. He wears a small crown, a short robe and a richer version of the MALE MERCHANTS’ costumes.) Long live our prince! (PRINCE glances around shyly, then crosses to QUEEN. A SMALL PAGE, carrying a soup tureen and ladle and wearing livery of black tights, tunic and a tasseled cap, follows PRINCE. LARGE HERALD follows SMALL PAGE. The four MERCHANTS along Castle Way push their royal brocade banners, which are mounted on casters, behind LARGE HERALD to form a semi-circle of rich, royal brocade panels. LARGE HERALD and SMALL PAGE assume their stations CENTER, in line with MERCHANTS.)

OLDMA: (Curtseys deeply.) Your Majesty.QUEEN: Where is your associate, the young royal personage?OLDMA: She’ll join us later. Please be seated. (QUEEN sits in large

throne.)PRINCE: Th-th-thanks. (Sits in small throne LEFT of table. QUEEN

claps her hands twice. SMALL PAGE carries his tureen to the

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table, sets it down, waits. QUEEN nods at him. He ladles soup into the contestant’s soup plate, then replaces the ladle in the tureen and backs away to his station.)

PRINCE: M-Mother? D-D-Do you n-not d-dine?QUEEN: I do not dine on this—ever. As you well know.PRINCE: B-b-but—QUEEN: Hushhhhh, Robert. (To OLDMA.) And now the contestants, if

you please. (OLDMA gestures to TWO SMALL HERALDS.)TWO SMALL HERALDS: (They sheathe their swords, open the

Academy doors and announce in unison.) Princess Number One! (PRINCESS #1 ENTERS the golden light and poses. She wears, as do all the princesses to come, the same kind of overskirt and headdress as the FEMALE MERCHANTS, but made of richer stuff.)

PRINCE: M-m-mother, I d-don’t like th-th-this!QUEEN: Gut it out, Robert. You’ll have to face worse when you’re king.PRINCESS #1: (Crosses to QUEEN and drops a curtsey.) Your

Majesties.QUEEN: Pray have a seat. I hope you like soup.PRINCESS #1: You are kind. I adore soup. (Sits, picks up her spoon

and recoils.) This spoon is soiled! (MERCHANTS shift from foot to foot. BIBELOT SELLER EXITS, darting around her banner.)

QUEEN: Use mine. (Hands her spoon to PRINCESS #1. BIBELOT SELLER ENTERS from around her banner with a fistful of clean spoons.)

PRINCESS #1: You are kind. (Eats. BIBELOT SELLER edges to the table, places spoons by QUEEN and flees back to her station.)Most delicious soup!

PRINCE: (Staring at the heap of spoons.) C-c-c-astle s-s-specialty. (Runs a finger around his collar and demonstrates other signs of nervousness.)

QUEEN: Husssssh, Robert. Next!PRINCESS #1: The next course so soon? What remarkable service

you command, Majesty! Is it fish?QUEEN: It is cheese ’n’ crackers, or whatever the Academy kitchen

provides.PRINCESS #1: (Startled.) Your Majesty, am I to leave so soon? Was it

the spoon? It was the spoon! Did someone give me a dirty spoon just to trip me up? (Glares at MERCHANTS, who stare into the far distance.)

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QUEEN: My dear— You have had your allotted time for this segment of the competition. Please return to your quarters. We’ll call you for the next segment.

PRINCESS #1: Well, I like that! (Tosses down the spoon, rises, crosses to Academy and EXITS.)

PRINCE: M-m-mother, w-w-what are y-you d-doing?OLDMA: Your Majesty, it was my understanding that the contestants

were to dine with you and the prince.QUEEN: Quite. I thought a small addition to the competition would be

amusing. I require the next contestant, if you please.OLDMA: But—yes, Your Majesty. (Curtseys, then gestures to TWO

SMALL HERALDS.)TWO SMALL HERALDS: (Announce, in unison.) Princess Number

Two!PRINCESS #2: (ENTERS, poses in the golden spotlight, crosses to

QUEEN, who smiles at her. Curtseys.) Your Majesties. What’s for din-din? (Waits, smiles.)

QUEEN: Please be seated. Here’s a spoon. I hope you will care for some soup.

PRINCESS #2: You are kind. (Sits, takes the spoon, winks at PRINCE, sails the spoon out, brings it back to port too full and spills.) Oh, blast! (Looks down at her dress.) Would you look at that?! A spot as big as the whole known world! Well, I’ll just have to go change! (Rattles her spoon into her soup plate.) Be right back, save my place! (Jumps up, wiggles her fingers at the QUEEN, who grasps them.)

QUEEN: Do you feel well?PRINCESS #2: Oh, yes. Healthy as a horse and never off my feed!

And then we didn’t have any lunch today either, so I’m double hungry.

QUEEN: But you actually tasted the soup?PRINCESS #2: Got some down, I did. From what I could tell, it was

really good soup.QUEEN: I see. Well, my dear, you’ve completed this segment of the

competition. Return to your quarters. We’ll call you when we’re ready for the next segment. Off you go!

PRINCESS #2: (Bobs a curtsey.) See you later. (Crosses to Academy and EXITS through its doors.)

OLDMA: Your Majesty, the second segment— What is it?QUEEN: (Waves her hand dismissively.) Something as telling as this

segment. I require the next contestant. (OLDMA gestures to the TWO SMALL HERALDS.)

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TWO SMALL HERALDS: (Announce, in unison.) Princess Number Three! (PRINCESS #3 ENTERS, poses and crosses leisurely to QUEEN.)

QUEEN: Are you weary?PRINCESS #3: (Finally arrives at the table, curtseys slowly.) Your

majesties. Not weary, not weary at all. If the truth be told, I grow languid under the charm of your presences and the honor bestowed on me to sit with you and dine. It is as if the tropical sun shines on me, warming every fiber of my being and melting it luxuriously. Such a great honor!

QUEEN: It is best when one feels— What did you say?PRINCESS #3: Languid, Your Majesty.QUEEN: Quite. When one feels—that way—it is best to sit down until

the languor lifts. Seated, you will not damage yourself or anyone else should you pass out. (Gestures at the throne.)

PRINCESS #3: (Sits.) Perfectly sensed and stated, my queenly majestic eagle.

QUEEN: I beg your pardon?PRINCESS #3: ’Tis a compliment, Your Majesty, should you care to

accept it.QUEEN: Oh. Yes. Very nice. Thank you. Here is a fresh spoon. (Holds

out a spoon.) There is some soup. I hope you enjoy it.PRINCE: M-M-Mother! M-m-manners! (PRINCESS #3 giggles.)QUEEN: Hushhhhhh, Robert.PRINCESS #3: (To PRINCE.) W-w-well, h-h-how are y-you t-t-tonight,

P-Prince?QUEEN: (Icy.) Next contestant, please!PRINCESS #3: (Shocked.) Oh, Majesty, I did not mean to mock! I

meant only to put Prince Robert at his ease! (PRINCE shrivels.)Oh, Robert, I’m—

QUEEN: He’s Your Majesty to you, m’dear. I will require your presence later. Please leave us now. (PRINCESS #3 rises uncertainly, backs away, then runs back to Academy. To OLDMA.) Doesn’t look promising, does it. (MERCHANTS worry silently.)

OLDMA: You’re quite right. But more contestants await your consideration.

QUEEN: And there is also the next segment. Well, bring on the next. (OLDMA gestures to TWO SMALL HERALDS.)

TWO SMALL HERALDS: (Announce, in unison.) Princess Number Four! (PRINCESS #4 ENTERS, poses, gulps, does an about-face and EXITS back into the Academy.)

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QUEEN: My!MADAME: (ENTERS, remains by the Academy doors to curtsey.

Calls.) Your Majesty, my student is young. She was overcome by the magnitude of appearing before you and wishes to concede that extreme pleasure to the Princess Eglantine of Lower Brewster in the fabulously wealthy Fealty of Baftavia. (Steps back respectfully.)

EGLANTINE: (ENTERS, poses, smiles, dazzles. MERCHANTS murmur among themselves. Even the QUEEN sits up. EGLANTINE crosses gracefully halfway to QUEEN, performs a perfect runway-model turn, completes cross to table, sinks into and sticks a magnificent, deep curtsey.) Your Majesties!

QUEEN: Rise and be seated, my dear.EGLANTINE: You are kind. (Sits, looks down demurely and waits.)QUEEN: Please be so good as to accept a spoon. (Hands

EGLANTINE a fresh spoon.)EGLANTINE: Thank you. (Takes the spoon and sets it down, waiting.)QUEEN: Pray have some soup.EGLANTINE: But, Your Majesty, do you not dine? Or His Majesty,

Prince Robert?QUEEN: First I’d like a few moments of your conversation. What news

have you of His Majesty, the King of Lower Brewster, Baftavia?EGLANTINE: You know him? (OLDMA’S interest is as intense as the

QUEEN’S.)QUEEN: Quite well. He’s long been a friend of our castle. In fact, the

Prince Robert spent a summer in his household. There the prince developed firm friendships and a fondness for lederhosen. He even brought some home and wears them often.

EGLANTINE: Ah, yes, lederhosen. Quite popular in Baftavia. But I travel summers. It is part of my royal training. So, regrettably, I have not had either the pleasure of meeting the Prince Robert or the possibility of joining his circle of friends. (OLDMA hides a smile.)

QUEEN: (Smiles, claps her hands twice. SMALL PAGE darts to her. She nods at him. He ladles soup into all three soup plates.) We will dine now. (Sets a fresh spoon in her own soup plate. So does PRINCE. So does EGLANTINE. QUEEN lifts her spoon.) Do you wear lederhosen, Princess Eglantine?

EGLANTINE: (Prettily, lifting her spoon.) Oh, no, Your Majesty.QUEEN: Oh, of course not. What was I thinking? Women often don’t.

But your brothers undoubtedly do.

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EGLANTINE: Brothers? (Suddenly wary.) I-I have no brothers, Your Majesty. No one precedes me to the throne. Although had I been blessed with brothers, they would, of course, be fond of lederhosen.

QUEEN: I see. (Sets down her spoon, speaking gently.) Young lady, the King of Lower Brewster, Baftavia, has two sons. That is why I send Prince Robert to summer in his household. I believe you are an imposter, my dear. (OLDMA nods her head “yes.” She is smiling proudly at the QUEEN.) And I believe you are not entirely at fault. Madame Bombazine, approach!

MADAME: (Crosses to QUEEN.) Your Majesty, I knew nothing of this imposition! (Unseen by ALL, LIZZIE, in a pastel gown and headdress that looks like a training version of the QUEEN’S outfit, slips from behind Crowns shop’s banner. She also wears long white gloves, court shoes and a crystal necklace. She carries a small, dark bundle. She crosses quickly and silently to the Academy doors, gestures TWO SMALL HERALDS to silence, tosses the bundle inside, then hides behind one of the open doors.)

QUEEN: Madame, you and the Princess Eglantine will no doubt wish to return to your academy immediately. Next! (EGLANTINE and MADAME cross to Academy, bickering in whispers.)

MADAME: (Whispers.) Fake papers!EGLANTINE: (Whispers.) You were happy to take my money!MADAME: (Whispers.) I’m ruined! (EXITS through Academy doors.)EGLANTINE: (Whispers.) What about me? (EXITS through Academy

doors.)QUEEN: (Toys with the stack of spoons remaining on the table.) I

could punish that Bombazine woman for wasting my time. (Sighs,straightens up.) But, no. You enter a competition, you take your chances. But I must say at this point, a global competition may be entirely too much.

OLDMA: (Alarmed, she deftly reaches into her “mysterious” pocket, then sprinkles a tiny bit of sparkling confetti on QUEEN’S head. SOUND EFFECT: MAGIC SOUND, followed by THUNDER.) Sounds like rain. (TWO SMALL HERALDS snap to attention. OLDMA gestures them to relax. They do.) In this fair land, rain falls on the just and the unjust and anywhere it’s needed. (Unhooks her furled umbrella from the QUEEN’S throne.) And the queen must be protected. (Hands umbrella to QUEEN.)

QUEEN: Thank you. Very thoughtful. Tell me, how many more contestants?

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OLDMA: Just one, Your Majesty. (Gestures to TWO SMALLHERALDS.)

TWO SMALL HERALDS: (Announce, in unison.) Our Honorable Elizabeth!

LIZZIE: (ENTERS from behind Academy door. She looks cast in gold, sweetly yet elegantly regal. MERCHANTS softly murmur appreciation. PRINCE gasps, rises, crosses to within steps of LIZZIE.) Your Majesty. (Curtsies deeply and rises.)

PRINCE: Why did I think you’d be here?LIZZIE: You did say adieu and not good-bye.MADAME’S VOICE: (From Academy.) Why does that girl never close

the doors! And what’s this in the hall? Smelly laundry? Liz-ZIE! LIZ—

MADAME: (APPEARS in the doorway, carrying the dark bundle, and sees the PRINCE with LIZZIE.) —oh! Rats! (PRINCESSES #1-4 APPEAR behind her and watch like hawks.)

PRINCE: (Offers his hand.) Come.LIZZIE: (Takes his hand.) You are kind.PRINCE: (Crosses with LIZZIE to table.) Mother, I have chosen.QUEEN: You have, I haven’t. (PRINCESSES #1-4 beam.

MERCHANTS and OLDMA watch solemnly.) Be seated, Elizabeth, Robert. (They sit. QUEEN raises her spoon.) Pease porridge, Elizabeth. Pray partake.

LIZZIE: (Glances at OLDMA, who looks away. She picks up her spoon, sails it out, brings it back to port—but it stalls out and glides back to the plate. She glances longingly at PRINCE, then stands.) Your Majesty, I cannot eat a pea to save either my soul or my heart. ’Twas peas that killed my mother. I’m sorry, Robert. No more adieus, it’s now good-bye. I must return to work.

MERCHANTS: (Ad-lib.) Lizzie! What are you thinking? Don’t do it, Lizzie. Eat the soup.

BON MOT GUY: (Steps forward, earnestly.) Remember, Lizzie—“The heart has its reasons, the soul has its mate!” (ALL MERCHANTS nod and murmur agreement. BON MOT GUY is flushed with success.)

LIZZIE: Forgive me, everyone. I must honor my mother and take care of myself. (Begins cross to the Academy. PRINCESSES #1-4 clap and smirk in the open doors. They look mean.)

PRINCE: Lizzie! Don’t go! (LIZZIE turns and smiles, then squares her shoulders and CONTINUES her cross.) Mother, do something! (SPOTLIGHT gilding the Academy doors BEGINS TO FADE.)

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MADAME: Approach, Lizzie! I’m glad you’ve come to your senses. Come in and resume your uniform, you’ve let your work slide. You’ve lots to do. (Calls.) Lizzie will return all your tawdry finery as soon as may be. (LIZZIE and MADAME EXIT into Academy. The doors close behind them. WARM LIGHT OUT.)

PRINCE: Mother, you can’t let this happen! What am I saying? I can’t let this happen! If Elizabeth is doomed, then I’ll be doomed with her! I’m sorry, Mother, but I’m abdicating. (Removes his crown, sets it gently on the table, then addresses the MERCHANTS.) My former subjects, please call me Bob.

QUEEN: Hussssh, Robert. And sit. (PRINCE sinks into his seat, but leaves the crown on the table. QUEEN reaches up to remove the confetti from her head.) And now I suspect something magical and cunning will happen. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. MERCHANTS eye the sky.) Yes, there it is. But we mustn’t let even a tumultuous storm keep us from the second segment of our competition. (Rises, looks around.) Who owns that cart?

BAKER: (Steps forward.) I do, Your Majesty.QUEEN: Tonight I require it be mine. Clear it of everything and fill it

with mattresses. (BAKER runs to clear the cart.)GABRIOLA: Mattresses, Your Majesty?QUEEN: Mattresses, feather ticks, heavy blankets, bulky comforters,

whatever. Fill the cart right up, pile it high as you’re able.PRINCE: Mother, what are— ?QUEEN: (Interrupts.) Hush, Bob.PRINCE: Bob?QUEEN: You said it, you live with it.BAKER: Cart’s ready for loading! Bring the mattresses! (BOXES OF

BIRDS SELLER, THRONE SELLER and BON MOT GUY EXIT around their shop’s banners.)

QUEEN: (Assesses cart.) You’ll undoubtedly require a sturdy ladder.BOOT SELLER: I have one! (Runs to his shop’s banner, EXITS

around it.)QUEEN: (Claps her hands. LARGE HERALD marches swiftly to her.)

Give the special envelope to the old woman who acts like she’s running this show.

LARGE HERALD: Your Majesty. (Pulls out an envelope and presents it to OLDMA. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.) Your Majesty, shall I assist your subjects with the mattresses?

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QUEEN: Yes. Get all these boys to help. Bob, lend a hand. In fact, everyone retire from my presence—except you. (IndicatesOLDMA.)

LARGE HERALD: (Thumps his staff.) Everybody out! (Leans his staff against the table. ALL EXIT around any convenient banner.)

OLDMA: (Crosses to QUEEN.) Am I correct in thinking that Elizabeth won the first segment?

QUEEN: With flying colors. She rejected the pea soup, a royal thing to do. More important, she showed concern for something other than herself, a vital quality for a ruler. But there’s still the second segment of the competition.

OLDMA: What do you plot, Rowena?QUEEN: Oldma, even when you were my elder sister Clarissa, you

were such a stick! You know as well as I do that what’s next is the pea under the mattresses test. And you know as well as I do that I have to set that test because I have to be sure.

OLDMA: Lizzie and Robert really are exceedingly fond of each other.

QUEEN: But there’s this fair land to think of. Something you didn’t bother with when you scuttled off years ago. (Toys with the small crown on the table.)

OLDMA: You stepped in quickly and ruled beautifully. Watching you tonight, I was proud of you.

QUEEN: Yes, well, I enjoyed tonight and I’ve enjoyed ruling. How about you? Was the normal life all you thought it would be?

OLDMA: Oh, yes!QUEEN: So all was well in the end! (Laughs, unexpectedly gay, and

crosses to embrace OLDMA, who returns the hug.) How good to see you after all these years! Those little guys—your grandchildren?

OLDMA: Yes.QUEEN: And now I must ask again about Elizabeth— Is she…?OLDMA: And now I tell you once again—no. Lizzie is not of my—

our—family.QUEEN: What is her parentage?OLDMA: Unknown. She is an orphan and a maid, but obviously

noble. I have watched over her since she was a very young child, in anticipation of this day. (Raises the envelope.) A pea?

QUEEN: (Nods.) An old dry pea.OLDMA: As in the past, when the test was feeling it under twenty

mattresses. But the test has evolved, hasn’t it?

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QUEEN: Yes. Now it is a test of allergic reaction.OLDMA: Is that fair? An old pea may give inconclusive results.QUEEN: I suspect you’re uncertain how sensitive Lizzie is.OLDMA: (Crosses to the empty cart and places envelope in it.) You’re

right. I’m not certain. But I think it fair to point out that an old pea may provide less than conclusive results. Don’t rely on this test overmuch.

QUEEN: I’ll keep that in mind. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.) How much of that sparkly magic stuff do you have left?

OLDMA: (Pats her “mysterious” pocket.) None. It’s all gone.QUEEN: That’s a relief.OLDMA: I did request that all turn out well, but— Well, the magic is

running itself now. I no longer have a spell to stop it.QUEEN: So we can expect anything?OLDMA: Yes. We can expect anything. (SOUND EFFECT:

THUNDER, followed by RAINFALL. A SCREAM OFF RIGHT, from the Academy.)

PRINCE: (ENTERS in a rush around a banner CENTER.) Who screamed! Elizabeth?

MADAME: (Opens the Academy doors and ENTERS.) Now, my striking shrikes, send this servant away with unquestionable finality.

ALL PRINCESSES: (ENTER supporting LIZZIE, who wears her original costume, including the maid’s cap. Beneath the cap, her hair is dripping wet.) Quick, quick, quick. Quick, quick, quick. Quick, quick, quick. (They stop.) Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie, you’re all wet! (They set LIZZIE on her feet DOWN RIGHT CENTER.) Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie, you’re so dizzy! (They spin LIZZIE around and whoop with laughter. EGLANTINE is the only one to steady LIZZIE, and she neither laughs nor stops the others from laughing.)

QUEEN: (With regal authority.) I’m delighted to see you’re all here. I require your attention!

LIZZIE: (Upset.) Where is Oldma? Oldma! (OLDMA crosses hurriedly with open arms to LIZZIE, who falls into them.) Oldma, they took all my beautiful things and they threw me in the shower! (STUDENTPRINCESSES #1-4 emit not-so-well-bred snickers.)

OLDMA: There, there, dear. Beautiful things can be gained again, and what is a shower if not for the taking?

QUEEN: And what is a bed if not for the making? (Claps hands twice.) I require mattresses! (ALL MERCHANTS ENTER from behind banners, carrying mattresses, comforters, blankets and feather ticks. They pile these into the cart. BOOT SELLER sets up

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a stepladder next to the cart, then joins the GROUP that gathers nearby.) Thank you. Thank you all. Now I require my herald.

LARGE HERALD: (Crosses to the table to retrieve his staff, then crosses to QUEEN.) Your Majesty.

QUEEN: Announce the contestants one by one, please.LARGE HERALD: (Pounds his staff.) Princess Number One!PRINCESS #1: What?MADAME: (Claps hands twice.) My little fledglings, comply!

(PRINCESSES #1-4 grumble.)PRINCESS #1: Oh, all right! (Crosses to QUEEN and curtsies.) Your

Majesty.QUEEN: I can see that you’ve been hard at work. You need to rest.PRINCESS #1: Where?QUEEN: On the bed, of course.PRINCESS #1: (Glances back at MADAME, who gestures her

forward. To QUEEN.) You are kind. (Crosses to the cart, but balks at the height of the bed.)

QUEEN: It would appear that one must climb the ladder and crawl onto the bed.

PRINCESS #1: (Snaps.) Ridiculous! (But she climbs up and looks at the bed.) This bedding is soiled! Teeming with fleas and bedbugs, I bet.

MADAME: Lizzie! Bring a fresh blanket from the Academy.QUEEN: Surely you don’t suggest that my subjects are unclean!MADAME: Oh! No, Majesty! Not at all! It’s just that my students

are—one and all!—so very sensitive. Used to the finest, you know. (Crosses to cart. To PRINCESS #1.) Do the best you can, my downy duckling. We’ll disinfect you later.

PRINCESS #1: No! Horrid soup and filthy beds— What kind of competition is this, anyway?

QUEEN: You need not go further, except to tell me if you feel quite well. Not dizzy or weak?

PRINCESS #1: I feel well enough to jump down from this ladder!QUEEN: Then please do. (PRINCESS #1 hastily does.) But I require

that you remain at hand.PRINCESS #1: Will the winner be announced tonight?QUEEN: When we conclude this segment. Next!LARGE HERALD: (Thumps his staff.) Princess Number Two!

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PRINCESS #2: (Crosses to QUEEN.) Hi! Glad to see ya again! (Extends her hand.)

MADAME: (Whispers loudly.) Curtsey!PRINCESS #2: Oh-oh! (Drops her hand and curtsies.) You want me

up on that bed?QUEEN: If you will.PRINCESS #2: Nap-nap-a-bap-bap! Here goes! (Crosses to the

ladder and climbs it nimbly. At the top.) It’d be fun to dive from here! Wanna see me dive? Watch me! Watch me!

QUEEN: (To BAKER.) Is the cart sufficiently sturdy?BAKER: I believe so, Your Majesty.QUEEN: (To PRINCESS #2.) Suit yourself and then come down. I

know all I need to know.PRINCESS #2: (Dives.) Wheeeeee! (Lands on top of the pile and

laughs uproariously.) Y’know what would be fun? Water balloons!PRINCESS #3: (Crosses to cart.) Get down! It’s my turn!MADAME: My little cowbirds! Courtesy, courtesy! (QUEEN gestures

to LARGE HERALD.)LARGE HERALD: (Thumps his staff.) Princess Number Three!PRINCESS #3: Your Majesty. (Curtseys where she is, then climbs

the ladder. PRINCESS #2 hits her with a pillow when she’s at the top. PRINCESS #3 retaliates. PRINCESS #2 roars with laughter and rises, poised to strike again. PRINCESSES #2 and #3 go on fighting it out. MADAME wrings her hands.)

QUEEN: Enough! Next! (Gestures to LARGE HERALD.)LARGE HERALD: (Thumps his staff.) Princess Number Four!

(PRINCESS #4 dashes for the cart and dives under it to hide behind a wheel, sobbing.)

MADAME: My little bluebird belles! Stop! At once! (QUEEN gestures to LARGE HERALD.)

LARGE HERALD: (Thumps his staff.) Princess Number Five!MADAME: No! No! That’s the Princess Eglantine.LARGE HERALD: Beg pardon, Madame. (Thumps his staff.) The

Princess Eglantine!EGLANTINE: (Crosses to QUEEN with poise and resolve. She

curtsies.) Am I to be permitted to complete this segment of the competition, Your Majesty?

QUEEN: (Kind.) Do you want to so very much?EGLANTINE: (Grave.) Yes, Your Majesty.

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QUEEN: If you can bring order to your colleagues and gather them all back where they were, you will have done a great service to me, and you shall be rewarded.

EGLANTINE: (Curtsies.) Your Majesty. (Crosses to cart and kneels by the wheel, holding out her hand. PRINCESS #4 stops sobbing, reaches her hand out to take EGLANTINE’S, then crawls out.)Stand here. (PRINCESS #4 nods and stays. EGLANTINE crosses to the ladder and climbs up to touch PRINCESS #3. PRINCESS #3 looks down and nods, holds out her hand to PRINCESS #2, whose shrieks of laughter stop. EGLANTINE climbs down the ladder, then PRINCESS #3, then PRINCESS #2. ALL FOUR quietly turn to QUEEN and curtsey.)

MADAME: Your Majesty, they are high-spirited princesses every one, yet mindful of their courtly manners. (EGLANTINE ignores her and leads the PRINCESSES RIGHT. QUEEN nods and gestures to LARGE HERALD.)

LARGE HERALD: (Thumps his staff.) The Princess Elizabeth!QUEEN: Well, Lizzie?LIZZIE: Oldma? (OLDMA nods and smiles.)MERCHANTS: (Encourage LIZZIE; ad-lib.) Go, Lizzie! You can do it!

We’ll watch over you! etc.PRINCE: Mom, it’s obvious!QUEEN: (Interrupts.) It’s Your Majesty to you, Bob.PRINCE: (Taken aback.) Your Majesty, it is obvious to me. If Lizzie

must do this, she will not do it alone! (Crosses to ladder to test its sturdiness.)

OLDMA: You best do as your queen commands, Lizzie. (LIZZIEcrosses to ladder, takes the assisting hand PRINCE offers and sets her foot on the first rung.)

QUEEN: A quiet rest for Lizzie and more work-a-day business for me. (Crosses to large throne and sits. LARGE HERALD stations himself at QUEEN’S back.) Proclaim to the land the divestiture from Madame Bombazine of the Royal Academy of Royalty and all its assets and the immediate awarding of same to Madame Eglantine. (LIZZIE steps onto second rung. She shakes her head, dizzy. PRINCE is alarmed.)

MADAME: No! (Crosses to QUEEN.) I’ll be nicer to Lizzie, I swear I will! (QUEEN gestures to LARGE HERALD.)

LARGE HERALD: Hear ye! Hear ye! The divestiture from Madame Bombazine of the Royal Academy of Royalty and all its assets

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from Madame Bombazine and the immediate awarding of same to Madame Eglantine is law!

LIZZIE: Oh! I’m sorry! I can’t do this! I don’t know what’s the matter with— (Falls backward.)

PRINCE: (Catches her.) Your Majesty, Lizzie has fallen!OLDMA: Oh, my goodness! (Crosses to PRINCE and LIZZIE.

MERCHANTS and EGLANTINE murmur alarm. PRINCESSES #1-4 appear pleased.)

MADAME: Your Majesty! Please reconsider. What am I to do? Where will I go?

QUEEN: Perhaps Madame Eglantine will require a maid. (Calls to PRINCE.) Bring her here! (PRINCE crosses with LIZZIE to table CENTER, with OLDMA’S help.)

MADAME: Me? A maid?QUEEN: Is the Princess Elizabeth breathing? (OLDMA pulls out large

throne.)PRINCE: I don’t know! All I know is that she fell! (Seats LIZZIE in large

throne.) Lizzie? Lizzie! Oh, Lizzie, please be all right!LIZZIE: (Dizzy.) I’m—PRINCE: She’s coming around! (MERCHANTS applaud softly.

PRINCESSES #1-4 display disappointment.)MADAME: Oh, for heaven’s sake! All this fuss over— Liz-ZIE! LIZ-zie!

Stop this at once! Get up!LIZZIE: (Stronger.) I’m coming… hurry, hurry…OLDMA: (Gestures to TWO SMALL HERALDS, who cross to her,

their tap shoes clicking.) I want Madame out of here! (TWOSMALL HERALDS salute, grasp MADAME’S arms and march her back to the PRINCESSES, drop her arms, perform a crisp about-face, draw their swords and cross them in front of MADAME.)

QUEEN: This competition is concluded.PRINCESS #1: Wait a minute! Who won?QUEEN: It’s Your Majesty to you, m’dear. But you’re correct. I must

announce the winner of this competition. It is Elizabeth. (To LIZZIE.) Will you have my son, the Prince Robert—or Bob as he prefers to be called—

PRINCE: (Interrupts.) It’s Robert, Mother. And I can talk for myself. (Clears his throat.) Lizzie?

LIZZIE: (Stronger.) Yes?PRINCE: I’d like you to marry me, but if you do, that will probably

mean I’ll get the crown back and be the prince again and all that,

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and that will definitely mean your life will be awfully public and maybe you don’t want that. But maybe you could get used to it. Could you?

LIZZIE: Well, I did have other plans, but— Oldma?OLDMA: Are you thinking about the event planning business,

Lizzie?LIZZIE: Yes.OLDMA: You know, now that we’ve had a taste of it, I think event

planning is… well, it’s rather too strenuous for me. I believe I’d rather retire.

TWO SMALL HERALDS: (Cheer and run to OLDMA.) Oldma! Can we go home now?

OLDMA: (To TWO SMALL HERALDS.) In a minute.LIZZIE: (To PRINCE.) In that case—and most sincerely—yes!

(PRINCE beams. He and LIZZIE embrace. SOUND EFFECT: A MAGIC SOUND. SPARKLING CONFETTI FALLS like rice at a wedding. MERCHANTS cheer… and so do EGLANTINE and PRINCESSES #2-4, who have gotten with the program. PRINCESS #1 rolls her eyes, looks away and taps her foot, the picture of disgusted boredom. MADAME is deep in thought, down for the count but not yet all the way out. QUEEN catches falling confetti in her outstretched hands and looks meaningfully at OLDMA. OLDMA shakes her head “no,” holds up her empty hands and gestures to PRINCE and LIZZIE. QUEEN claps confetti off her hands, then laughs and reaches out to OLDMA, who crosses to QUEEN to return the hug. BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER creeps to the box of birds under the large throne. SOUND EFFECT: CLICK! BIRDS IN FULL CRY. And LIGHTS DIM. SOUND EFFECT: BIRDSONG FADES DOWN… then OUT. BLACKOUT.)

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE, ACT ONE: Banners (see next page), shrubs, including one with a branch sticking out that can be “broken” off.BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE:

Tubs of flowers (MERCHANTS)Trays of baked goods (these can be nonedible except for two

Cherry-Berry Confectionaries) that include at least: 13 Cherry-Berry Confectionaries (two are eaten), 13 orange-glazed sticky buns, 6 nut-choked brownies, 24 bagels, paper bags (BAKER)

Strong, grandmotherly umbrella [practical, with a hook handle], small folk-art folding chair, sparkling confetti (OLDMA)

Small paper bonbon bag (GABRIOLA)Stamps, push broom (LIZZIE)5 furled parasols, practical (MADAME, PRINCESSES# 1-4)Two lacey hankies (EGLANTINE)Coins (OLDMA, CONSULTANT, POET, COBBLER)Test tube with colored liquid, large white cloth, black anodyne bag

(PAUL)Pad and quill pen (BON MOT GUY)Two zippered garment bags (GABRIOLA, LIZZIE)Large impressive folio (POET)Two shiny court pumps (COBBLER)Soup tureen with ladle, stack of cloth napkins, stack of soup

plates, fistful of soup spoons (BIBELOT SELLER)ONSTAGE, ACT TWO: Two small thrones, table.BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO:

Colorful bundle of fabric (BIBELOT SELLER)Large throne (THRONE SELLER)One box of birds, with on/off switch (BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER)Three jeroboams of scent (PAUL, BOXES OF BIRDS SELLER,

BON MOT GUY)Stylist’s cape, hair rollers, one pair long, white gloves with buttons

on wrists, small, dark bundle of laundry (LIZZIE)A half-dozen small bottles for scent, pull wagon (PAUL)Soup plates, spoons, cloth napkins, soup tureen and ladle

(BIBELOT SELLER)Two gilded floor candelabra with candles rigged to “burn” [battery-

operated candles with on/off switch] “matches” (THRONE SELLER)

Floral display for table (GLOVE SELLER)Soup tureen, ladle (SMALL PAGE)Envelope holding old, dry pea (LARGE HERALD)

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Mattresses, feather ticks, heavy blankets, bulky comforters, whatever, sufficient to fill up the Baker’s cart (MERCHANTS)

Sturdy stepladder (BOOT SELLER)

COSTUMESThese are described in detail in the script.

MORE ON SETBusinesses from RIGHT to LEFT are:

The Royal Academy of Royalty with double, practical doors topped with a baroque pediment which open onto the street. Shrubs flank the doors. A painted sign to one side reads “Royal Academy of Royalty, Madame Bombazine, Prop.”. The Academy anchors STAGE RIGHT.

Next is a banner for “Crowns & Beauty Spots & Crèmes” shop.The next banner reads “Bon Mots/Sweet Nothings.”Banners up Castle Way read “Quality Thrones,” then Apothecary

Paul’s mortar and pestle with the Rx symbol.On the opposite side of Castle Way, UPSTAGE to DOWNSTAGE,

the banners read “Boxes of Birds” and “Court Pumps.”Facing the audience, the banners to LEFT read: “Bonbons and

Truffles,” then “Bibelots,” then “Sonnets Aplenty,” then “Gloves! Gloves!” then “Boots ‘n’ Saddles ‘n’ Bits ‘n’ Things, Also.”

The rest of the “Boots…” sign (which ends with “Ladders”) is obscured by a brightly painted baker’s cart, which anchors LEFT. The cart is fitted with a sign that reverses from “OPEN” to “CLOSED.” The cart adapts to hold the multi-mattress test-bed.

LIGHTINGA spotlight with filters that fades up to “gild” the Academy’s doors and fades down soon thereafter is used in the dining segment of the tests.

SOUND EFFECTSMagic sound, clicking sound and chirping birds in full cry (for box of birds), clicking of tap shoes, fanfare (at three volume levels: distant, closer and close), thunder, rainfall.

SPECIAL EFFECTSThe final scene requires the sprinkling of sparkling confetti from above.

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A NOTE ABOUT THE FOODQuite a bit of food is served and “consumed” in the play, but this need not be real food, except perhaps for the two Cherry-Berry Confectionaries which OLDMA and LIZZIE nibble. The rest of the baked goods can be plastic, papier-mâché, or the like, and the soup can be simply pantomimed.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGAPOTHECARY PAUL may become APOTHECARY PAULINE.TWO SMALL HERALDS may be either male or female.SMALL PAGE may be either male or female.Additional villagers may be cast as EXTRAS in opening and contest scenes.

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