Book by Craig SodaroMusic and Lyrics by Bill Francoeur

© Copyright 2014, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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HANG TEN!

Book by CRAIG SODAROMusic and Lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

ANNA ROMANO .........................Luigi’s daughter; in her 40s 72JOEY ........................................surfer 51GARY ........................................another 17RICKY .......................................another 23MARIA ......................................Anna’s oldest daughter 92GINA ........................................Anna’s second daughter 28NICOLA .....................................Anna’s youngest daughter 40BRENDA ...................................surfer girl 19JUDY ........................................another 18CAROL ......................................another 19LUIGI BARONE ...........................owner of Surfin’ Burgers 189

restaurant; in his 60sVISION OF ROSA .......................Luigi’s wife (appears as an n/a

image behind a scrim curtain)EDDIE HAYS ..............................new guy on the beach 119BEVERLY ...................................enthusiastic birdwatcher 22JUNE ........................................another 20TRUDY ......................................another 16SABRINA SMART .......................G.G.’s secretary 30G.G. GLIBB ...............................land developer 65CONNIE ....................................artist 30SADIE SLADE ............................realtor 38BETSY CROCKER .......................health inspector 11FRANK FLOYD WRIGHT ...............architect 17OFFICER WILLIE .........................cop 9JEEVES .....................................butler 2

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SETTINGWe see the beachside façade of the run-down Surfin’ Burgers shack. An entrance DOWN LEFT leads to the parking lot and road, another entrance DOWN RIGHT leads to the ocean and a wilderness area. A CENTER doorway in the façade, perhaps covered with strings of beads, leads to the restaurant. Two or three tables with mismatched chairs are UP RIGHT and UP LEFT. Red and white checkered tablecloths decorate these tables. A few menus, some sandwich baskets and a rag are on another small table. Fishing gear, life preservers, surfboards and so on stand against or hang on the walls of the restaurant along with a weather-beaten sign reading “Surfin’ Burgers.” A menu on the wall lists Italian dishes. UPSTAGE, to the RIGHT and LEFT of the restaurant front, are sand dunes (made of cardboard or wood) along with a palm tree or two here and there in the distance.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENESPrologue: Exterior of Surfin’ Burgers restaurant on Kahuna Beach,

California.Scene One: A summer afternoon in 1969.Scene Two: The same, that evening.Scene Three: The same, the following afternoon.Scene Four: The same, the following morning.Scene Five: The same, the following evening.

SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERSMC1 Surf’s Up—Prologue ..........................Joey, EnsembleMC2 The American Dream .........................Luigi, Vision of

Rosa, Anna, Maria, Gina, Nicola

MC2a Riptide .............................................InstrumentalMC3 California—Montage ..........................EnsembleMC4 Shaka-brah (Hang Loose) ...................Joey, Brenda, Luigi,

Surfers, Anna, Maria, Eddie, Gina, Nicola

MC4a The American Dream—Reprise ...........Luigi, Vision of Rosa

MC4b The American Dream—Underscore .....InstrumentalMC5 She’s-a My Land ................................Luigi, Anna, Gina,

Nicola, ChorusMC5a Surf’s Up—Epilogue ..........................Joey, Ensemble

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NOTES

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HANG TEN!

PrologueIn the darkness, we hear the sound of the OCEAN SURF and SEAGULLS. MUSIC CUE 1: “Surf’s Up—Prologue.” In the distance we hear the haunting SOUND OF A CONCH SHELL followed by a SHIP’S BELL. The music builds and then segues into a surfer-rock feel. A SPOTLIGHT comes up on JOEY, who ENTERS RIGHT in front of the curtain riding a skateboard. The SPOT follows him as he rides across the stage and back, stopping CENTER.JOEY: (Sings to AUDIENCE.)

Wake up, everybody, it’s a sunny California day.Got the woody all packed, an’ we’re itchin’ to be on our way.With the chariot revved, foot to the floor,Wheels burnin’ rubber all the way to the shore,Drivin’ my hot rod, cruisin’ along,I’m chirpin’ out a Beach Boy song. (CURTAIN OPENS and LIGHTS UP to reveal the rest of the ENSEMBLE. The next two stanzas are sung together as soloists with backup vocals.)

SURFERS: (Sing.)We’ll be checkin’ out the action, lookin’ for the ultimate high.Rippin’ on the waves, like a roller coaster rumblin’ by.With my toes on the nose, I’ll be hangin’ ten.Takin’ off, turnin’ and a-burnin’ again!Stoked and smokin’ like a demon dude,I’ll be comin’ down with attitude!

BACKUP VOCALS: (Sing.) Ooo. Wop wah ooo.Ooo. Wop wah ooo.Doo wah ah! Doop doo wah ah!Doop doo wah ah!(The next three stanzas [parts one, two and three] are sung as a trio.)

PART ONE: (A few GIRLS [or BOYS singing falsetto 8va] sing.)Ooo!Ooo!

PART TWO: (Mixed BOYS and GIRLS sing.) Surf’s up! Surf’s up!Surf’s up! Surf’s up!Surf’s up! Surf’s up!Surf’s up!

PART THREE: (BOYS sing.) Surf’s up! Everybody’s ridin’ it, now!Surf’s up! Everybody’s livin’ it, now!Surf’s up! Everybody’s shoutin’ it, now!Surf’s up!

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ALL: (Sing.) Never gonna shut me down!Surf’s up! (Backup vocals continue as before during the following soloist section [See piano score].)

SURFER GIRL: (Sings.)Every surfin’ Kahuna will be showin’ off under the sun.

SURFER BOY: (Sings.)Every cute Wahini will be watchin’ me under the gun.

SURFER BOY/SURFER GIRL: (Sing.)I’m a surfer with a tendency to misbehave,’Specially when I’m rippin’ on an awesome wave.Ridin’ that pipeline, walkin’ the board,People say I’m outta my gourd! (The next three stanzas [parts one, two and three] are sung as a trio.)

PART ONE: (A few GIRLS [or BOYS singing falsetto 8va] sing.)Ooo!Ooo!

PART TWO: (Mixed BOYS and GIRLS sing.) Surf’s up! Surf’s up!Surf’s up! Surf’s up!Surf’s up! Surf’s up!Surf’s up!

PART THREE: (BOYS sing.) Surf’s up! Everybody’s ridin’ it, now!Surf’s up! Everybody’s livin’ it, now!Surf’s up! Everybody’s shoutin’ it, now!Surf’s up!

ALL: (Sing.) Never gonna shut me down!Surf’s up! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT. ENSEMBLE EXITS.)

End of Prologue

Scene OneAs the LIGHTS COME UP, SURFERS (JOEY, GARY, RICKY, JUDY, BRENDA, CAROL and optional EXTRA SURFERS) sit around at tables or stand UPSTAGE. MARIA, GINA and NICOLA ENTER CENTER carrying baskets of food. ANNA follows them ON.ANNA: Okay, you beach bums!JOEY: We aren’t beach bums, Mrs. Romano! You know that! Just ask

Jeeves.GARY: He’s polishing Joey’s jeep.RICKY: Yeah, Joey’s dad’s got tons of money.ANNA: And how about Joey? He got money, too?JOEY: Someday, when one of my songs hits it big on the pop charts,

I’ll have all the money I need!

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MARIA: ’Til then, they’re surfers, Mama.JOEY: (Puts his arm around MARIA.) And you’re my beach bunny!ANNA: (Slaps JOEY away from MARIA.) You go pull another rabbit out

of your hat, you beach bum!GINA: Oh, Mother, must you be so… so… old world?ANNA: Old world? I got two TVs and a barbecue! That’s new world as

far as I’m concerned, Gina.NICOLA: But you don’t want any of us having any fun!ANNA: Fun? You’re still a child! You go in there and play with dolls!NICOLA: (Bored.) I didn’t ask to come out here and pass out food.

Who gets the fries?BRENDA: I do!JUDY: Me, too! (NICOLA and GINA hand BRENDA and JUDY each a

basket.)GINA: Don’t say we didn’t warn you!BRENDA: Hey! These don’t smell like fries!JUDY: And they’re in little circles!MARIA: It’s calamari.GARY: Try it, Judy, you’ll like it!RICKY: Best fries you’ll ever eat! (JUDY and BRENDA each try one as

MARIA and ANNA pass out other items.)JOEY: Well? Whaddaya think?JUDY: Kinda chewy.BRENDA: Kinda fishy, too.JUDY: What kind of potatoes are these?ANNA: No potatoes! It’s squid!JUDY: Squ— squ— squ—BRENDA: — id?!CAROL: Like Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea? (JUDY and

BRENDA scream and run OFF LEFT.)ANNA: What’s-a matter with them?MARIA: Mama, I told you and Grandpa. The sign says “Surfin’ Burgers.”GINA: People expect hamburgers and French fries.NICOLA: Not linguini and calamari!LUIGI: (ENTERS CENTER with bill.) What’s-a matter with linguini and

calamari?MARIA: It’s false advertising, Nonno!LUIGI: Whaddaya mean false… false… what you say?JOEY: Advertising!

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ANNA: You know, Papa… pubblicita.RICKY: Your sign says one thing—CAROL: But you deliver something else.JOEY: If you advertise hamburgers—GINA: You oughta serve hamburgers, Nonno.LUIGI: Hey! Hey! Hamburgers and French fries are junk!ANNA: Make you beach bums fat!CAROL: But we work it all off ridin’ the waves!RICKY: Why don’t you just call this place “Luigi’s Italian Restaurant”?LUIGI: Mama mia! Then nobody come!GARY: So? Nobody comes now.ANNA: You’re here, you beatnik.JOEY: Poets! We’re poets to the masses.LUIGI: I have some masses said for you two. You need all the help

you can get! Here your bill, Giuseppe. And no runnin’ out on it this time.

MARIA: His name’s Joey.LUIGI: That’s what I said! Giuseppe!JOEY: Listen, Mr. Barone, how about puttin’ this on my tab?LUIGI: Tab? What tab?JOEY: I’ll pay at the end of the month.ANNA: Then eat at the end of the month! (Snatches JOEY’S food from

him.)JOEY: We’re your best customers. How about a little credit?LUIGI: Credit? No way, buckaroo!JOEY: C’mon! It’s the American way!LUIGI: I know! Americans buy house on credit, car on credit, hot dog

on credit.MARIA: Well, you’re American, Nonno.LUIGI: And proud of it! But you see what I got here? I own every bit of

it! You see this sand? It’s mine! You see that palm tree? It’s mine! You see these tables and chairs? And you see these (Indicates GRANDDAUGHTERS.), the loves of my life? Nobody can take ’em away from me! (MUSIC CUE 2: “The American Dream.” Speaks.) My Rosa and I, (Looks to the sky.) God bless her soul, dreamed of this day. And I’m-a not about to give it up-a so easy.(Sings.) When we live in Italy, we are poor as a church mouse.There no jobs in Italy, and we sleep in a shack.And I know we must leave if someday we have new house.So, we pack up and go, and we never look back.

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And we sailed to a new land of promise.Yes, we sailed on a crystal blue stream.And we vow as we look at the sunset,We will find the American dream!On the morning we arrive, we are lost, yet excited.Where to go? What to do? How will we find our way?But we hold to that dream. All the wrongs will be righted.I will never forget how she look on that day. (LIGHTS UP on VISION OF ROSA behind scrim as if LUIGI sees her in his mind. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.])How we danced…

ROSA: (Sings.) How we danced…LUIGI: (Sings.) When we first see Manhattan.ROSA: (Sings.) When we first see Manhattan.LUIGI: (Sings.) Then we sing…ROSA: (Sings.) Then we sing…LUIGI/ROSA: (Sing.) All the songs of the free.LUIGI: (Sings.) And we cry…ROSA: (Sings.) And we cry…LUIGI: (Sings.) …when we sail by that statue.ROSA: (Sings.) …when we sail by that statue.LUIGI/ROSA: (Sing.)

Standing tall, standing proud, it was Lady Liberty!Now we’re home…

ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.) Yes, we’re home…LUIGI/ROSA: (Sing.) …in a new land of promise!ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.) …in a new land of promise!LUIGI/ROSA: (Sing.) Still we sail…ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.) Still we sail…WHOLE FAMILY: (Sings.) …on that crystal blue stream!LUIGI/ROSA: (Sing.) And we know…ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.) And we know…LUIGI/ROSA: (Sing.) When we look at the sunset…ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.)

When we look at the sunset…LUIGI/ROSA: (Sing.) We have found…ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.) We have found…WHOLE FAMILY: (Sings.) …the American dream!LUIGI/ROSA: (Sing.) We have found…

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ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.) We have found…WHOLE FAMILY: (Sings.) …the American dream! (MUSIC OUT. LIGHTS

FADE OUT on VISION OF ROSA.)RICKY: (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Hey, dudes! You see what I see?JUDY: What’re we waiting for? (SURFERS cheer, set down food and

grab their boards. BRENDA and JUDY run ON LEFT.)NICOLA: Don’t get a sand facial this time, Judy!JUDY: Don’t worry! I’m riding tandem with Ricky! (RICKY screams, runs

OFF RIGHT, followed by ALL SURFERS except JOEY.)GINA: I’d sure like to try surfing!ANNA: You got dishes to wash.NICOLA: (Angry.) I wish… I wish… I wish school would start!ANNA: Go on, or I give you a sand facial! Whatever that is! (NICOLA

and GINA EXIT CENTER, followed OUT by ANNA.)JOEY: Mr. Barone, can Maria take some time off to catch a wave?LUIGI: Maria got no time to get her hair done.MARIA: Catch a wave means to go surfing, Nonno.LUIGI: Bah! Surfing! Waste of time!JOEY: Hey, Mr. Barone, it’s the up and coming thing! I say you’d do

yourself a favor if you built a little surf shop next to the restaurant. You’d have surfers all over this beach!

LUIGI: And they all want a tab, huh?MARIA: Go on, Joey, there are some great waves out there!JOEY: You sure?LUIGI: She sure! (JOEY grabs his surfboard and runs OFF RIGHT.)MARIA: You don’t have to be so hard on them, Nonno.LUIGI: Bums! All of ’em!MARIA: They’re customers.LUIGI: Who don’t pay! Oh, for some real customers! Why we get stuck

with fools?MARIA: Because Kahuna Beach has the best waves in all California!

And Joey’s right—a surf shop would be great right over there.LUIGI: Not your business. You find yourself a doctor.MARIA: Maybe I don’t want to be married to a doctor. They’re never

home.LUIGI: But you get free medicine! And you make sure he’s Italian, si?MARIA: And just how am I going to meet this Italian doctor I’m

supposed to marry?

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LUIGI: Why you think I change menu so we only have linguini and calamari? (EXITS CENTER. MARIA wipes table as EDDIE ENTERS LEFT writing in a small notebook. He is absorbed in observing the flora and fauna and doesn’t notice the restaurant or MARIA until he trips over a chair.)

MARIA: Oh, my goodness! Can I help you?EDDIE: I… I think I’m all right. (Gets up.) I guess I should watch where

I’m going.MARIA: You must have been looking at something very interesting.EDDIE: You see this? (Pulls MARIA DOWNSTAGE and points to a spot.)

That is a lapis desoratium.MARIA: I guess we ought to get rid of it, huh?EDDIE: Get rid of it?MARIA: With a name like that, it can’t be good!EDDIE: It’s a very special little plant that grows only on certain

beaches.MARIA: It doesn’t look special.EDDIE: Sometimes even the smallest things are very, very important.

(Writes several notes.)MARIA: What are you doing?EDDIE: Writing down my observations. There! And now I guess I won’t

bother you— (For the first time, EDDIE notices MARIA and the restaurant.) On second thought…

MARIA: Would you like a menu?EDDIE: Gosh, I… I guess I am kind of hungry. I haven’t eaten since

breakfast. No, wait a minute… since dinner last night. No… I guess it was lunch yesterday.

MARIA: You better sit down before you pass out. (EDDIE sits at the table. MARIA hands him menu. Unseen by EDDIE and MARIA, NICOLA and GINA step ON CENTER. They see MARIA with EDDIE and immediately step back OUT CENTER, but we see them peeking IN and watching.)

EDDIE: This your place?MARIA: My grandfather’s.EDDIE: How’re the hamburgers?MARIA: Fine if you like linguini.EDDIE: What’s that?MARIA: It’s like deflated spaghetti.EDDIE: Sounds interesting. What about this panini?MARIA: It’s a sandwich somebody sat on.

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EDDIE: That doesn’t sound very appetizing.MARIA: Don’t worry… we use a couple of bricks to make it flat.EDDIE: And the fries?MARIA: Have you seen Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea?EDDIE: That the movie with the giant squid? That thing was so real it

was like it was right in the room with you!MARIA: Yeah, well, if you order the fries it’ll be closer than you think.EDDIE: Calamari, huh?MARIA: You know some Italian?EDDIE: That’s about the extent of it, I’m afraid.MARIA: You’re new around here, aren’t you?EDDIE: My job sent me here for a week to do some research.MARIA: Sounds very mysterious. (Back to the menu.) So, what’ll it be?EDDIE: A ham and cheese panini.MARIA: With extra ham and cheese!EDDIE: If you insist. (MARIA moves UP CENTER.)NICOLA: (Steps IN with GINA. Sotto voce.) Maria’s got a boyfriend!GINA: (Sotto voce.) He’s kind of a geek!MARIA: (Sotto voce.) You two stop it!NICOLA: (Calls UP CENTER.) Grandpa! Maria’s got a boyfriend!GINA: And he’s not a doctor! (MARIA shoos the girls OUT, casts an

embarrassed glance back at EDDIE, who smiles then stands and takes more notes. BEVERLY, JUNE and TRUDY ENTER LEFT with binoculars around their necks.)

BEVERLY: We should have been here at dawn!JUNE: I couldn’t help it if I had a flat tire, could I?BEVERLY: I’m sure if we got here early enough we could have seen a

red-billed palm sucker.TRUDY: Oh, Beverly, we’re not even sure red-billed palm suckers live

around here.EDDIE: I can assure you they do.JUNE: Oh? How do you know that, young man?EDDIE: See this? (Points to a spot DOWNSTAGE.) That is the imprint of

a red-billed palm sucker.BEVERLY: I’m right! I’m right!TRUDY: Oh, brother! Now we’ll never hear the end of it! And how do

we know we can trust you, Mr… Mr…EDDIE: Eddie. Eddie Barnes, graduate of M.I.T.JUNE: What does M.I.T. stand for?

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BEVERLY: Oh, June, don’t you know anything? It’s short for Major Intestinal Track.

EDDIE: Actually it’s Massachusetts Institute of Technology.BEVERLY: Oh, then you aren’t sick.EDDIE: No. I’m a biologist.TRUDY: What a coincidence! We’re the Kokoluna Ladies’ Birdwatching

Society.EDDIE: The whole society?JUNE: We lost our fourth member last week. She moved to New Jersey.BEVERLY: And they don’t even have any birds there, poor thing. (LUIGI

ENTERS CENTER, followed by MARIA and ANNA. LUIGI is angry and holds a small paper bag. He moves to EDDIE.)

LUIGI: Here! You! One panini to go.EDDIE: Well, I thought I’d eat it here since—LUIGI: To go!MARIA: Nonno! You’re embarrassing me!LUIGI: It’s on the house.EDDIE: Well, really, I don’t know what to say.LUIGI: How ’bout arrivederci? (Thrusts bag into EDDIE’S chest.)EDDIE: (Turns to EXIT LEFT, but then turns back. To TRUDY. Points OFF

RIGHT.) You might try over there in that clump of bushes. They like the shade in the middle of the day. (EXITS LEFT.)

JUNE: C’mon, girls! (Leads TRUDY and BEVERLY OFF RIGHT. LUIGI EXITS CENTER.)

MARIA: Mama, what are we going to do?ANNA: I don’t know.MARIA: How about a vacation? You and Nonno can go to San Francisco

or something.ANNA: Luigi Barone take a vacation? Maria, it would have to rain

nickels before that happens! (She and MARIA EXIT CENTER as G.G. GLIBB and SABRINA ENTER LEFT.)

SABRINA: Gosh, G.G. is this the place?G.G.: This is it, Miss Smart.SABRINA: Oh, gosh, G.G., I hate my last name! It sounds way too… I

dunno… smart. Just call me Sabrina.G.G.: If you insist.SABRINA: (Giggles.) Indubi-dubi-dubi-tably.G.G.: You know something, Sabrina. I like your… vocabulary.

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SABRINA: It comes naturally, G.G. Just like the curls in my hair. (BEVERLY, JUNE and TRUDY RE-ENTER UP RIGHT behind sand dunes. During the next exchange, we see them use their binoculars and sneak across UPSTAGE as if looking for birds. They are unseen by anyone DOWNSTAGE.)

G.G.: Yes… well, maybe we ought to get down to business.SABRINA: Ahh, do we have to?G.G.: If I ever intend to develop Kahuna Beach into the Las Vegas of

the Pacific, you’d better take a few notes.SABRINA: (Pulls a small notebook from her dress and a tiny pencil

from behind her ear. She sits, crosses her legs, then looks at G.G. dreamily.) Ready any time you are, G.G.

G.G.: (Looks around.) Let’s start with the hotel.SABRINA: (Writes.) Hotel. Is that “L-E” or “E-L”?G.G.: “E-L.” Five hundred… no, 600 rooms. Eight… no, twelve stories.

Three… no, five pools. Six… make that ten restaurants.SABRINA: Gosh, G.G.! I love it when you think so big!G.G.: We gotta move on this deal and move now.ANNA: (ENTERS CENTER, takes two menus from small table and hands

them out.) Afternoon. Care for an outside table?G.G.: Don’t mind if we do. (Sits at table with SABRINA.)ANNA: Special today’s ravioli.SABRINA: Gosh! I just love Chef Boyardee!ANNA: You got that wrong, ma’am. Our chef’s Luigi Barone.G.G.: And would this Luigi Barone also be the owner of this fine

establishment?ANNA: Who wants to know?SABRINA: Why, this is—G.G.: My name is Quince. Quentin Quince.ANNA: That’s a mouthful!G.G.: Would it be possible to speak to Mr. Barone?ANNA: It’d be possible. But I warn you, he’s not in a good mood today.SABRINA: Oh, I can cheer him up, can’t I, G.G.?G.G.: Q.Q.SABRINA: G.G. Q.Q. I’ll have the alphabet soup. (Hands her menu

back to ANNA.)ANNA: And you, sir?G.G.: The special. (ANNA EXITS CENTER.) Now, do me a favor, Sabrina—SABRINA: Anything, G.G.

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G.G.: Q.Q.SABRINA: Oooops!G.G.: Don’t open your mouth.SABRINA: Huh?G.G.: When I’m talking to Mr. Barone, mum’s the word. (SABRINA locks

her lips with her fingers and throws the key away.)LUIGI: (ENTERS CENTER.) You wanna see the chef?G.G.: (Stands.) Mr. Barone?LUIGI: Luigi.G.G.: My name is Quentin Quince, and this is my secretary, Sabrina

Smart.LUIGI: She take dictation?G.G.: Among other things. Now, Mr. Barone, I have been looking high

and low along the California coast for a nice piece of land where I can build my retirement cottage.

LUIGI: So, you find the land you want?G.G.: I certainly have!LUIGI: Where is it?G.G.: Right here!LUIGI: Here?G.G.: Kahuna Beach.LUIGI: Kahuna Beach is mine.G.G.: But I’ll make you a very handsome offer and take the whole

messy place off your hands.LUIGI: Messy place? Mr. Squinty, this is my dream!G.G.: The name’s Quince. And, pardon me, but it looks more like a

nightmare.LUIGI: During war, I promise my Rosa we go to America and buy nice

piece of land. We open restaurant and nobody—I mean nobody—can take it away from us!

G.G.: Not even for— (Snaps his fingers. SABRINA scribbles on her tablet and shows the figure to LUIGI.)

LUIGI: You gotta be cuckoo!G.G.: All right, then— (Snaps his fingers. Again, SABRINA scribbles on

her tablet and shows the figure to LUIGI.)LUIGI: You want fresh grated parmesan with your ravioli?G.G.: Wait, Mr. Barone. How about— (Snaps his fingers. SABRINA

scribbles and shows LUIGI the figure. LUIGI takes the notebook and pencil and scribbles. He hands it to G.G.)

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LUIGI: You want something to drink with your ravioli?G.G.: On second thought, cancel that order!LUIGI: Suit yourself. I no sell this place. Not for anything! (EXITS

CENTER.)G.G.: So! What do you think of that, Sabrina? (SABRINA looks around,

bends down and picks something up.) What are you doing?SABRINA: (“Unlocks” her mouth with her fingers.) Gosh, Q.Q., that’s

abominable!G.G.: I’m back to G.G. C’mon!SABRINA: Where are we going?G.G.: To initiate Plan B! (EXITS LEFT, followed by SABRINA.)LUIGI: (Storms ON CENTER, followed by ANNA and MARIA.) Maria! You

got tablecloths to wash!ANNA: Go on, Maria. (MARIA storms back OUT CENTER. To LUIGI.) Oh,

you!LUIGI: (Frustrated.) Mama Mia! What I do now?ANNA: You’re a gumba, Papa! A gumba! (EXITS CENTER.)LUIGI: (Looks up.) You think I do right, Rosa? Big bucks no tempt Luigi,

eh? This is our dream, no? So how come I no feel so good about it? (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: That evening. CONNIE sits at table FAR RIGHT, an empty plate in front of her. She holds a sketchpad and begins sketching.LUIGI: (ENTERS CENTER and moves to CONNIE.) The linguini was good?CONNIE: Molto bene!LUIGI: Ah! Lei parla italiano?CONNIE: I’m afraid not. But I do love fine Italian food.LUIGI: You’d like something else then?CONNIE: Just to look out at the sea.LUIGI: Plenty of that! (Takes CONNIE’S plate, then EXITS CENTER.)EDDIE: (ENTERS LEFT, a bit sheepish.) Is Surfin’ Burgers open? I guess

so. (Sits at a table LEFT. After a moment, ANNA ENTERS CENTER, but MARIA comes ON, pulls ANNA back and takes the order pad and pencil. ANNA smiles at MARIA and EXITS CENTER.)

MARIA: (To EDDIE.) You must be fearless.EDDIE: Oh, hi! I was hoping…MARIA: Yes?

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EDDIE: I was hoping you’d be open.MARIA: Menu?EDDIE: Thank you.MARIA: How was the panini?EDDIE: Perfect. A perfect panini!MARIA: I’m sorry my grandfather was so rude to you.EDDIE: Oh, that’s why you said I’m fearless.LUIGI: (Calls from OFFSTAGE.) Maria! Where are you! I need some

garlic! (EDDIE, terrified, jumps up from table and moves around the side of the building.)

ANNA: (Calls from OFFSTAGE.) I got it, Papa. Maria’s with a customer.EDDIE: (Breathes a sigh of relief and returns to his seat.) Did anyone

ever tell your grandfather that his approach to customers isn’t conducive to good business?

MARIA: At least once a day.EDDIE: What do you recommend?MARIA: The chicken parmesan is very good. And so’s the osco busco.EDDIE: What’s that?MARIA: A veal shank.EDDIE: I think I’ll take the chicken. I know what a chicken is!MARIA: One chicken parmesan.EDDIE: Tell me… do you have a name?MARIA: I’m not supposed to fraternize with the customers.EDDIE: Even the regulars?MARIA: You’re a regular now?EDDIE: I’m living at the Bates Motel just up on the highway.MARIA: Is it really as bad as it looks?EDDIE: Only place around here… and since this is the only restaurant…MARIA: You’re a regular.EDDIE: So, you still haven’t told me your name.MARIA: Maria. Maria Romano.EDDIE: Very pretty name. And this is your place?MARIA: My grandfather’s. He opened it 20 years ago.EDDIE: Came over after the war, hmmmm?MARIA: Yes, he always dreamed of opening a restaurant like

this…EDDIE: Doesn’t look too busy.MARIA: Oh, it has its moments. And how about you?

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EDDIE: How about me?MARIA: You’ve got a name?EDDIE: Sure. Eddie Hays.MARIA: So, what does an Eddie Hays do around here? Not a lot of

jobs as far as I can see.EDDIE: Well, Maria, I’ll tell you— (LUIGI ENTERS CENTER, angry. ANNA

follows him ON, pulling his arm. LUIGI holds some money.)ANNA: Papa, please!LUIGI: You take signore’s order?MARIA: Si, Nonno.LUIGI: Then I’ll take it and you go on to the store and pick up some

more garlic.MARIA: We’ve got a whole bag of garlic.LUIGI: All bad. Stinks worse than the fresh stuff!ANNA: Papa, please!LUIGI: Maria! Do as you’re told.MARIA: Si. Arrivederci, Eddie Hays.EDDIE: Arrivederci. (MARIA takes the money and EXITS LEFT.)LUIGI: (Hands the order to ANNA, who EXITS CENTER.) You make a

habit of coming to Surfin’ Burgers.EDDIE: I like the food.LUIGI: But you better know right now my granddaughter, she no on

the menu!EDDIE: I’m sorry if you think I’m being—LUIGI: I don’t think. I know. Now I no wanna see you around here

again.EDDIE: It’s a free country, Mr. Romano.LUIGI: Barone. My name, it’s Barone. And this country isn’t that free.EDDIE: This is the only place for miles where I can get a decent meal!LUIGI: Not anymore!EDDIE: You can’t just—LUIGI: (Pulls a sign from behind other signs and surfboards.) See this?EDDIE: (Reads the sign.) “We reserve the right to refuse anybody.”LUIGI: Perfect English. Paisan at hardware store tell me so!EDDIE: (Rises.) I can still enjoy the beach.LUIGI: Not here you can’t.EDDIE: Sorry, but I got you there. Land within 20 feet of the shoreline

is property of the state.LUIGI: No!

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EDDIE: Si! Section eight, article twelve, clause seventeen of the California Blue Book. (Moves DOWN RIGHT as SADIE ENTERS LEFT carrying a purse. She is dressed to the nines, obviously intending to impress LUIGI, who at first doesn’t see her.)

LUIGI: (To EDDIE.) Now listen here, you… (SADIE clears her throat loudly. LUIGI turns to the LEFT to find her swinging her purse around.) Say! I hope you no stand there long.

SADIE: Only two minutes too long, Mr. Barone.LUIGI: You know my name?SADIE: Everybody knows Luigi Barone. Your lagoona and kalamatas

are the talk of the coast.LUIGI: Linguini and calamari.SADIE: (Moves close to LUIGI.) I guess I’m just a bit tongue-tied actually

meeting Luigi Barone in person! (CONNIE rises and moves LEFT.)LUIGI: All finished, signora?CONNIE: Arrivederci! (LUIGI keeps his eyes on CONNIE as she EXITS

LEFT, but SADIE turns his head back to her.)SADIE: Got an empty table for two?LUIGI: Oh, you with a friend?SADIE: I’m with you! (Pushes LUIGI into a chair at a table, then seats

herself.) This okay?LUIGI: Okay for what?ANNA: (ENTERS CENTER.) Papa, there is nothing wrong with the garlic

we’ve got!SADIE: Good! A waitress! Bring us a bottle of your finest wine.ANNA: Papa, what is this?LUIGI: You heard the lady, Anna. A bottle of our finest. (ANNA EXITS

CENTER.)SADIE: So, where were we?LUIGI: I dunno, but I wanna find out.SADIE: You know, Mr. Barone… talent like yours is being wasted here.

Kahuna Beach is nowheresville.LUIGI: Nowheresville? Where’s that?SADIE: Not anywhere! How many customers do you get on a good

day? Twelve, fifteen?LUIGI: Oh, I’d say it more like—SADIE: You know how many you’d get in Malibu? Santa Monica?

Venice Beach? You’d have enough to buy yourself a big beachfront mansion with marble statues and a tiled pool right in the living room.

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LUIGI: So when do I wake up?SADIE: This is no dream, Mr. Barone. You and I can make it happen!

(Puts her arms around LUIGI.) Just say the word!LUIGI: What word?SADIE: Yes!LUIGI: What I say yes to?SADIE: The $10,000 I’m offering you for this place!EDDIE: (Incredulous.) Ten thousand! Are you crazy?SADIE: You stay out of this!LUIGI: Yeah! And stay on your 20 feet of beach, you bum! (To SADIE.)

Ten thousand… that’s a lot of clams.SADIE: Enough to make a fine chowder. Whaddaya say, Luigi?ANNA: (ENTERS with a basket of food.) How about you start eating

clams. French fried!SADIE: Look, sister, I ain’t hungry!ANNA: Then quit taking up a seat!LUIGI: Anna! You no talk to customer like that!ANNA: The only thing she wants on the menu, Papa, is you.SADIE: Look, this man’s a genius! His lagoona and kalamata ought to

be in a museum somewhere.LUIGI: You really think so?SADIE: Of course I do. (JOEY, RICKY, CAROL, BRENDA, JUDY and GARY

run ON LEFT. JUDY has a slip of paper.)JOEY: Anybody here from Slade Realty Company?ANNA: (Folds her arms triumphantly.) Ah ha!SADIE: Who wants to know?CAROL: Is that your Cadillac in the parking lot?BRENDA: The turquoise one with the leopard upholstery?SADIE: Might be.GARY: You got some extra tires?SADIE: What are you talking about?RICKY: You got four flats.SADIE: What?!JUDY: We saw another car pulling out of the parking lot just as we

were pulling in. We got the license number! (Hands SADIE a slip of paper.)

SADIE: (Reads.) “Go Go G.G.” I should have known! G.G. Glibb! (Moves LEFT.)

LUIGI: What about our beautiful music, signora?

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SADIE: The only music I want to hear right now is organ music at Glibb’s funeral! (EXITS LEFT. BEVERLY, JUNE and TRUDY ENTER RIGHT.)

BEVERLY: Oh, my goodness!JUNE: I’m all out of breath!EDDIE: You three look like the cat that swallowed the canary!TRUDY: What a horrible thing to say!BEVERLY: But you’re right.JUNE: We saw one!ANNA: So’d this one!EDDIE: What’d you see?TRUDY: A red-billed palm sucker!BEVERLY: Just down the beach a ways.JUNE: And she’s got a nest! Right up with the coconuts!LUIGI: Maybe tomorrow I put one on the menu!BEVERLY: We’d report you!LUIGI: To what?JUNE: To the government!LUIGI: Ha! Government has no time for red-palm bill sucker.TRUDY: Red-billed palm sucker, you ingrate!LUIGI: What’s an ingrate?EDDIE: You don’t want to know.LUIGI: Go on! All of you! Get out of here!EDDIE: I wouldn’t toss away customers like that, Mr. Barone. Looks

like somebody really wants to buy this place!ANNA: But only a fool would sell to somebody like that one! (LUIGI

starts OFF LEFT.) Where are you going?LUIGI: To help that one fix tires! (Moves LEFT. MARIA ENTERS LEFT

with paper bag.)MARIA: Here’s the garlic, Nonno.LUIGI: What garlic? We got lots of garlic! (Runs OFF LEFT. ANNA takes

the bag, shaking her head, and EXITS CENTER.)BEVERLY: Come along, Mr… Mr…EDDIE: Hays. Eddie Hays.JUNE: You want to see her, don’t you?EDDIE: (Dreamily, looks at MARIA.) I’d like nothing more!TRUDY: Then come on! (Pulls EDDIE OFF RIGHT, BEVERLY and JUNE

follow.)JOEY: Hey! He’ll be back.

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GARY: Yeah… how long can you stare at a bird for?CAROL: (Vamping.) Depends on the bird!RICKY: He meant the red-billed palm sucker.MARIA: Is that where Mr. Hays went?BRENDA: And only wild horses could have dragged him from you.JOEY: Let’s lighten this up! Put a smile on your face, Maria! Yo, Ricky.

Put a nickel in the juke, bro, and let’s show Maria how we stoke it up a bit. (RICKY EXITS CENTER.)

JUDY: Yeah. Let’s just dance right over to him and scare that other birdy away! (MUSIC CUE 2a: “Riptide.” The SURFERS begin dancing an overblown and comic 1960s/70s dance. JOEY encourages MARIA to dance. RICKY ENTERS CENTER and joins in. ALL yell “Riptide!” at the appropriate places in the music [See score]. The DANCERS eventually dance OFF RIGHT. MUSIC OUT. Once they’re gone, G.G. and SABRINA sneak ON LEFT, looking after them.)

G.G.: Think she saw us?SABRINA: Not one chance in a cotillion!G.G.: She’s madder than a horse with a burr under its saddle.SABRINA: (Laughs.) And the old guy pulled his sacroiliac trying to

help her!G.G.: (Mock sympathy.) This business is a bit too strenuous for him.SABRINA: So how are we gonna relieve him of his trepidation?G.G.: I’ve got a plan. First we’ll get him closed down by the Health

Department, then we’ll have the County condemn the place. (Pulls a bottle from his pocket.) How about some of this?

SABRINA: Cockroaches? What are you going to do with them?G.G.: Well, as soon as this place gets quiet, we’re going to… (Whispers

in SABRINA’S ear.)SABRINA: G.G., what a genius! The place will be ours tomorrow!

(G.G. pulls SABRINA behind sand dune UP RIGHT. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Two

Scene ThreeLIGHTS UP: The following afternoon. NICOLA and GINA are wiping the tables while ANNA folds napkins. BETSY CROCKER sits at a table slurping her calamari soup. Her briefcase sits on floor next to her chair.GINA: I wish we were rich! I think Grandpa ought to sell this place.NICOLA: That man offered him a lot of money, didn’t he?LUIGI: (ENTERS CENTER.) Money he can keep! I no sell Surfin’ Burgers!

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ANNA: But really, Papa, don’t you think you ought to consider his offer?

LUIGI: My mind made up!NICOLA: We could live in town!GINA: And have a swimming pool!LUIGI: And what do you call that? (Points toward AUDIENCE, indicating

the ocean.)NICOLA: (Disgusted.) But it’s got seaweed in it!ANNA: Papa, this place was fine when the kids were younger, but you

know, Maria missed out on a lot growing up here— (LUIGI covers his ears and begins to sing loudly.)

NICOLA: I don’t think he’s listening, Mama.ANNA: (Pulls one of LUIGI’S hands off his ear.) Boo! (EXITS CENTER

with napkins. LUIGI stops singing and folds his arms across his chest, satisfied.)

LUIGI: This, she is my piece of heaven! (We hear screams OFF RIGHT as SURFERS run ON led by JOEY, then RICKY, CAROL, BRENDA, GARY, JUDY and EXTRAS—all carrying surfboards.) I speak too soon!

CAROL: Off the wall!JOEY: Hiya, Pop!LUIGI: I’m not your pop!JOEY: Wish you were!JUDY: Yeah… you’re radical, Mr. Barone!LUIGI: I no radical!BRENDA: Sure you are!RICKY: Joey’s father owns Spin City Records.GARY: And he wears a tie to work.CAROL: He wants Joey to get a job!LUIGI: Heaven forbid!JOEY: But you don’t care, do you, Pop?LUIGI: Long as you pay your tab, I no care. (Pulls a bill from his apron.)JOEY: Well, say, Pop, how about we settle tomorrow.LUIGI: Why? What’s tomorrow?RICKY: Joey’s student loan comes tomorrow.NICOLA: You’re a student?BRENDA: We go to Kahuna Beach Community College.GINA: What are you studying?JOEY: Surfin’! (Cheers from ALL.)LUIGI: So, what you have?

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RICKY: Meatball sandwiches!CAROL: Fries!GARY: And I’m a sucker for linguini! (LUIGI throws up his hands, EXITS

CENTER.)NICOLA: How were the waves today?RICKY: Awesome!BRENDA: Except Gary went over the falls.CAROL: You sure wiped out! Got any skin left?GARY: I’m in perfect shape! (Goes to sit down and moans.) Except for

that.JOEY: Brenda rode a pounder on the rails.GINA: Wow! I wanna do that someday!BRENDA: C’mon, Gina… I’ll show you now.NICOLA: Gina, Grandpa wouldn’t like that.GINA: (Sighs.) Then I better not.BRENDA: Suit yourself. But it’s a blast! (EDDIE ENTERS LEFT with his

notebook.)NICOLA: Uh oh!GINA: Maria! You got a customer! (NICOLA and GINA giggle and race

OUT CENTER as SURFERS make themselves comfortable. MARIA ENTERS CENTER, a smile on her face.)

EDDIE: (Moves to her.) Hi.MARIA: You’re back.EDDIE: I’m hungry.MARIA: Is that the only reason?EDDIE: Is your grandfather around?MARIA: Look, Eddie Hays… you’re a very nice fellow.EDDIE: I think so. And you, Maria Romano, are a very nice lady.MARIA: I’m glad we’re both so nice…EDDIE: But?MARIA: But you don’t understand about Grandpa.LUIGI: (ENTERS CENTER.) Maria! You got a pot boiling over in here!

(MARIA and EDDIE are startled and break apart—EDDIE moves DOWN LEFT, MARIA runs OUT CENTER.)

BETSY: (Stands up.) I demand to speak to the owner of this establishment!

LUIGI: Who are you?BETSY: Betsy Crocker, health inspector! (Flashes a badge. She slams a

briefcase down on the table where the sandwich baskets sit.)

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MARIA: (RE-ENTERS CENTER.) I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with our kitchen.

BETSY: (Takes white glove from briefcase and puts it on.) I’ll be the judge of that! I’ve found a cockroach!

LUIGI: No cockroaches here!BETSY: (Pulls bottle from briefcase.) I’m taking this as evidence!MARIA: Evidence?EDDIE: (Moves back to BETSY CROCKER.) Can I see your credentials

again, please?BETSY: Who are you?MARIA: Friend of the family.LUIGI: Twice removed!BETSY: I already showed my credentials, buster. And this is no

concern of yours.EDDIE: Who’s your supervisor?MARIA: Yeah!BETSY: M.Y.O.B., bub, or I’m shutting you down, too!LUIGI: Shutting down? (ANNA ENTERS CENTER, followed ON by GINA

and NICOLA. BETSY pulls a poster from her briefcase and tacks it up on the door. It reads “Closed by Order of the Health Department.”)

EDDIE: You can’t do that! You’ve got to give a written warning first!BETSY: Where the public welfare is concerned, I can do whatever’s

necessary. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!EDDIE: I don’t smoke!ANNA: You can’t close Surfin’ Burgers!LUIGI: It’s our living.BETSY: Yeah? Well, you should’ve thought of that before you fired

your exterminator and changed your menu from burgers to squid! I can’t wait ’til I find out what’s in this calamari! (Tosses small bottle into her briefcase and snaps it shut.)

EDDIE: I’m calling the health department!BETSY: Don’t make it worse!LUIGI: Yeah! Don’t make it worse!BETSY: Have a good day! (Prances OFF LEFT. G.G. and SABRINA

APPEAR from behind the sand dunes, shake hands and EXIT.)EDDIE: There’s got to be something we can do about this! C’mon,

Maria!LUIGI: Maria no go anywhere!MARIA: But, Nonno! Something’s fishy here!

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LUIGI: That’s right. We got a shipment of fresh fish to freeze. Now go back to work. All of you! (MARIA, NICOLA and GINA EXIT CENTER, reluctantly.)

EDDIE: I’ll find out what’s going on, Maria! I’ll be back! (Races OFF LEFT.)

LUIGI: Just like a bad penny.ANNA: Oh, Papa, if you weren’t my papa, I’d… I’d… (ANNA, disgusted,

EXITS CENTER.)CONNIE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Excuse me… but where’s everybody going?

(LUIGI points to sign.) Oh, no! What happened?LUIGI: I don’t know.CONNIE: I’m sure it’s nothing serious.LUIGI: A dream turning into a nightmare isn’t serious?CONNIE: I guess I can’t get something to eat.LUIGI: (Sarcastic.) You might catch something and die.CONNIE: Oh, I don’t worry about that. Can I sketch a bit?LUIGI: You artist?CONNIE: I dabble.LUIGI: Help yourself.CONNIE: Thank you, Luigi. (Moves RIGHT.)LUIGI: You know my name?CONNIE: Oh, I heard someone say it. I like it. It’s so… strong. (EXITS

RIGHT. SADIE has ENTERED LEFT, with pen and tablet. LUIGI turns LEFT and almost runs into her.)

SADIE: Hello, big boy.LUIGI: Huh? Oh, it’s you again.SADIE: And I’m going to offer you— (SADIE writes a figure on tablet

and shows it to LUIGI.)LUIGI: Mama mia! That’s twice as much—SADIE: Interested?LUIGI: Mama mia! (MUSIC CUE 3: “California—Montage.” The

ENSEMBLE ENTERS LEFT and RIGHT. They should assemble in four groups as follows: Group one, SURFERS; group two, LUIGI and FAMILY; group three, G.G., SABRINA, SADIE, BETSY; group four, EDDIE, BEVERLY, JUNE, TRUDY, CONNIE, FRANK, WILLIE, JEEVES, EXTRAS.)

ALL: (Sing.) California!California!California!California!

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It’s another fine day in California,The playground of the west.Just cruise on out to California,Where the action is the best.

SURFERS: (Sing.) It’s another fine day in California,Lookin’ to have some fun.It’s good to be livin’ in California,Spendin’ my days in the sun.We gotta pack up the boards, get ready to roll.Headin’ up to Half Moon Bay.Gonna check out the Mav’ricks, rock ’n’ roll.It’s the ultimate place to play!

LUIGI/ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.)It’s another fine day in California,Workin’ right by the shore.It’s good to be livin’ in CaliforniaWith the ocean right at the door!

ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.)We gotta cut up the meat, cook the sauce,Clean up every pot and pan.

LUIGI: (Sings.) Don’t-a never forget that I’m-a da boss!LUIGI/ANNA/MARIA/GINA/NICOLA: (The GIRLS roll their eyes;

they’ve heard it before. Sing.) Make everything spic ’n’ span!G.G./SABRINA/SADIE: (Sing.) It’s another fine day in California,

I’m ready to wheel ’n’ deal.It’s good to be livin’ in California,Where there’s lots of land to steal!

G.G./SABRINA: (Sing.) We gotta get on the move, can’t be late.Gonna get that man to sign.

SADIE: (Sings.) When the day is done I’ll celebrate.This land is gonna be mine!

ALL: (Sing.) California!California!California!California!It’s another fine day in California,The playground of the west.It’s good to be livin’ in California,Where the action is the best. (See Piano Score for optional backup vocals.) We’ve got the finest beaches, the finest sand,From Newport to Malibu.We got Knotts Berry Farm and Disneyland,

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There’s plenty for you to do! (DANCE/INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE.)

It’s another fine day in California,Lookin’ to have some fun.It’s good to be livin’ in California,Spendin’ my days in the sun!It’s another fine day in California,Lookin’ to have some fun.It’s good to be livin’ in California,Spendin’ my days in the sun!It’s good to be livin’ in California,Spendin’ my days in the sun! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Three

Scene FourLIGHTS UP: The following morning. JOEY, CAROL, BRENDA, JUDY, GARY and RICKY stand and sit about. LUIGI sits at table with SADIE. Legal papers sit on the table. ANNA, MARIA, NICOLA and GINA stand behind LUIGI. CONNIE sits far RIGHT, sketching.SADIE: So, Mr. Barone, if you’ll sign here, here, here, here, here, here,

and here. And initial there, there, there, there, and there.LUIGI: Here? Here? Here? Here? Here? Here?SADIE: And here.JOEY: Hey, man! Cool cats take their time.SADIE: Really, Mr. Barone, do these people have to be here?MARIA: They’re our regulars.ANNA: Every day they stop by.LUIGI: And they got tab. Mama mia! What a tab. (Hands JOEY a bill.)

You say today you pay.JOEY: Well, now, Mr. Barone… I didn’t get exactly as much as I hoped.RICKY: And that psychology textbook costs $18!CAROL: You know how expensive it is going to college?ANNA: But they’ll pay, right?BRENDA: I got my money right here. (Slaps a $5 bill on the table.)JUDY: Me, too! (Pays.)SADIE: Look, kids, signing these papers is just a formality. Mr. Barone

has already agreed to sell Kahuna Beach. (A loud moan from the GROUP.)

ANNA: But nothing legal yet.SADIE: (Firm.) It’s as good as done.

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GARY: But you can’t sell, Mr. Barone! This beach has the best waves on the coast!

RICKY: We’ll never ride better waves than these!JOEY: And if you opened a surf shop over there, you’d be swamped!LUIGI: Sure… and who got the dough to open surf shop?CAROL: Joey has! He’s got a plan.BRENDA: He submitted his surfing song to Spin City Records using a

stage name.LUIGI: Oh, so papa will buy it, ha? What name you use?JOEY: Joey Barone.LUIGI: You use my name?JOEY: Only half of it!JUDY: Got a nice ring to it!NICOLA: Welcome to the family!LUIGI: I sign! I sign!SADIE: Here, here, here, here, here, here, and here!GINA: No! No! Please!LUIGI: Nonno! You called me Nonno.GINA: Well, I meant—ANNA: Papa, listen to reason!LUIGI: (Cups his ear.) I only hear waves. No reason. Here?SADIE: (Triumphant.) Here! (As LUIGI is about to sign, EDDIE rushes in

with a paper in hand.)EDDIE: Stop! Don’t sign anything!MARIA: Eddie!LUIGI: If it’s not Mr. Bad Penny!SADIE: Please, Mr. Barone… no more delays. I have other clients!EDDIE: I’ll bet you do! So does G.G. Glibb.SADIE: I don’t know what you’re talking about.EDDIE: C’mon, Miss Slade. Apparently word is out.SADIE: What word? (EDDIE holds up poster. It reads “Kahuna-Ritz Hotel

and Casino—Invest Now!”)ANNA: Kahuna-Ritz?MARIA: Hotel and Casino?EDDIE: That’s right. G.G. Glibb is planning to turn this beach into a

resort! (Angry shouts of disapproval.) And Sadie Slade here thought if she could get her hands on the land, Glibb would have to buy it from her!

LUIGI: That why you double price!

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MARIA: Looks like we owe Eddie Hays our thanks, Nonno!LUIGI: Eddie Hays, grazie.EDDIE: Prego, Signore Barone. (MARIA takes EDDIE’S hand.)LUIGI: But thanks no include granddaughter. (Separates MARIA’S and

EDDIE’S hands.)SADIE: You fool! You could have had a fortune! (LUIGI rises and moves

RIGHT.) You’ve probably never had anything! This ramshackle mess is nothing compared to what you’re throwing away! (Others ONSTAGE now converse among themselves, with EDDIE arguing with SADIE, supported by MARIA and ANNA. LUIGI stands by CONNIE.)

CONNIE: Do you believe her?LUIGI: You here again?CONNIE: It’s a beautiful spot.LUIGI: Like a beautiful woman, she’s nothing but trouble.CONNIE: Only if you let it be.LUIGI: What you know about it?CONNIE: You have changed, Luigi.LUIGI: Since yesterday? I learn everybody wants the bucks. The big

bucks.CONNIE: I don’t mean since yesterday.LUIGI: Then how would you know?CONNIE: I heard you were kind and patient.LUIGI: But the world is no kind and patient. I see everything turn to

dust—my home, my business, my dear Rosa.CONNIE: You still have so much.LUIGI: (Shrugs.) A strip of sand, a family that won’t hang on to old

ways, a business that is like charity.CONNIE: (Rises and hands LUIGI the picture she was sketching.) This

is what I see. (EXITS RIGHT. LUIGI glances at the picture, then absentmindedly folds it and puts it in his pocket. ALL clap as LUIGI rips down “Closed” sign. SADIE EXITS LEFT.)

ANNA: (To MARIA, GINA and NICOLA.) Come on, girls, the kitchen needs cleaning. (EXITS CENTER. MARIA, GINA and NICOLA, pouting, EXIT behind her. EDDIE follows after MARIA.)

JOEY: Congratulations, Mr. Barone!JUDY: I like a man of principle!RICKY: You stood up for what you believed in!GARY: And they won’t bother you again!BRENDA: Surfin’ Burgers is here to stay!

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JOEY: And you know what that means, my bros and coohas (a gnarly girl surfer), surfin’ is here to stay! (MUSIC CUE 4: “Shaka-brah.”)

ALL SURFERS: (Ad-lib.) Shway! Far out! Yeah, bro! Radical! Wicked, dude!

JOEY: (Speaks.) This calls for a serious party. Come on, Mr. B., you gotta shaka-brah with us, dude!

LUIGI: (Speaks.) Shaka-da what?BRENDA: (Speaks.) Shaka-brah, man. It means, to hang loose!LUIGI: (Speaks.) Why I wanna “hang loose”? I got-a work to do.JOEY: (Speaks.) Because it’s the only way to live!GARY: (Speaks.) It’s totally righteous!CAROL: (Speaks.) Radical!JUDY: (Speaks.) Awesome!RICKY: (Speaks.) Most excellent!JOEY: (Speaks.) Trust me, dude. It’s tubular!LUIGI: (Speaks.) Tuba-who?JOEY: (Shouts in rhythm.) Shaka-brah! Shaka-brah!

(Sings.) Give it up an’ just hang loose!LUIGI: (Speaks, skeptical, waving him off.) Ahhhh.JOEY: (Shouts in rhythm.) Shaka-brah! Shaka-brah!

(Sings.) It’s a word you gotta put to good use!(Shouts in rhythm.) Everybody, now!

ALL SURFERS: (Shout in rhythm.) Shaka-brah! Shaka-brah!(Sing.) Give it up an’ just hang loose!(Shout in rhythm.) Shaka-brah! Shaka-brah!(Sing.) It’s a word you gotta put to good use!

JOEY: (Sings.)When you’re all bummed out, ’cause you got shutdown,And you just been hammered real bad.You gotta paddle back in,(Speaks in rhythm.) Catch another wave,(Sings.) And ride like a Galahad!

ALL SURFERS: (Sing.)You gotta rip, gotta roar, take a break from the store,Bask in the sun each day.You gotta smell that surf, feel that turf,Kick right back an’ say…

JOEY: (Shouts in rhythm.) Shaka-brah!LUIGI: (Speaks in rhythm, still the skeptic.) Shaka-brah?

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BRENDA: (Sings.) Give it up an’ just hang loose!(Shouts in rhythm.) Shaka-brah!

LUIGI: (Speaks in rhythm, considers the idea.) Shaka-brah.BRENDA: (Sings.) It’s a word we oughta mass produce!JOEY: (Shouts in rhythm.) Everybody, now!ALL SURFERS: (Shout in rhythm.) Shaka-brah! Shaka-brah!

(Sing.) Give it up an’ just hang loose!(Shout in rhythm.) Shaka-brah!

LUIGI: (Shouts in rhythm, getting into it.) Shaka-brah!ALL SURFERS: (Sing.) It’s a word we oughta mass produce!BRENDA: (Sings.) When you’re down an’ out, feelin’ kinda low,

An’ nothin’ goes like it should,You gotta tap into the Aloha spiritOf peace and brotherhood!

ALL SURFERS: (Sing.)You gotta sing, gotta dance, have a little romance,Bask in the sun each day!Take life in stride, live for the ride,That’s the surfer way! (A few SURFERS grab a surfboard and place it on the floor DOWN CENTER. MUSIC continues under following dialogue.)

JOEY: Come on, Mr. B., just climb on the surfboard, and we’ll show you how to Shaka-brah, surfer style. (The SURFERS help LUIGI on the board. He is skeptical at first but soon begins to like the idea.) First you gotta lay down on the board and paddle out on the ocean. (LUIGI lays down on the board and mimes paddling.)

BRENDA: Just watch out for the “landlord.” (SURFERS get solemn.)LUIGI: Da “landlord”?GARY: The great white shark, dude!JUDY: Just keep your eyes peeled. (LUIGI, wide-eyed, anxiously looks all

around for unseen sharks.)JOEY: Okay, that’s cool. Now get ready to catch a wave… Quick, stand

up! (LUIGI jumps up on the board and awkwardly tries to keep his balance.) Here it comes!

LUIGI: How I look?CAROL: You look totally awesome, Mr. Barone.RICKY: Like a real hotdogger, dude!LUIGI: (Smiles.) I-I do?ALL SURFERS: (Ad-lib.) Yeah. Sha. Totally, dude! All right, Mr. B.!JOEY: Okay, Mr. B., here comes the takeoff. Are you ready?

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LUIGI: (With a serious, intense look on his face; proudly.) Dis-a hotdogger ready!

GARY: Now give us a big “Cowabunga!”LUIGI: Cowa what?BRENDA: Cowabunga, Mr. B.! It’s like a state of happiness.CAROL: It’s as good as it gets, bro!RICKY: Wait! He’s gotta have these on first! (Puts a pair of “cool”

sunglasses on LUIGI.) Okay, dude, hit it!JOEY: And he’s off!LUIGI: (Gets a big smile on his face, excited, shouts.) Cowa da bunga!

(ANNA, MARIA, EDDIE, GINA and NICOLA ENTER during the previous lines just in time to witness the “takeoff.” Their jaws drop at what they are seeing. Disbelief soon turns to amusement and soon, ALL at the restaurant join in on the last chorus. During the following chorus, LUIGI performs all kinds of comic gyrations on the surfboard. He “walks the board” [walks from one end of the board to the other], “hangs ten” [hangs all ten toes over the front end of the board], etc.)

ALL: (Sing.) You gotta rock, gotta roll, keep it under control.Be a dedicated surf beach bum!You gotta know when to chill, have another thrill,Takin’ each wave as it comes!You gotta rip, gotta roar, take a break from the store,Bask in the sun each day.Take life in stride, live for the ride,That’s the surfer way!Take life in stride, live for the ride,That’s the surfer way!(Shout.) Shaka-brah! (As music ends, LUIGI falls off the surfboard as if a wave knocked him off.)

SURFERS: (Ad-lib.) Wipe out! Whoa, the dude ate it! You okay, Mr. B.? (ALL laugh. The SURFERS help LUIGI to his feet. MUSIC OUT.)

LUIGI: (Brushes himself off.) That-a was-a fun. I’m a surfer now, no?JOEY: You sure are, Mr. Barone. (FRANK FLOYD WRIGHT ENTERS

RIGHT, sketching.)ANNA: Would you like a table, sir?FRANK: No, those can go!MARIA: What are you talking about?FRANK: This is where the dining room’s going to be. The Kahuna

Terrace Dining Room.EDDIE: ’Fraid there’s not going to be any Kahuna Terrace Dining Room.

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FRANK: Did G.G. change the name again? I hate the way he’s always doing that.

LUIGI: You work for this G.G.?FRANK: Frank Floyd Wright. Architect. Now, the hotel will be right over

here!ANNA: There’s no hotel, Mr. Wright!FRANK: Lobby facing the east for the morning sun.MARIA: Nonno’s not selling this place.FRANK: Casino will be to the west, facing the setting sun.EDDIE: Mr. Wright, you’re not listening!FRANK: And the parking lot will be right here!JOEY: On the beach!NICOLA: The cars will sink in the sand.FRANK: We’re going to cement it all.LUIGI: Cement? Cement?!FRANK: Sure! And build it up about ten feet with a stone wall right

along here.LUIGI: You go! You get off my land!FRANK: But Mr. Glibb told me it’s his!LUIGI: You get off now or I boil you in spaghetti sauce!G.G.: (ENTERS RIGHT holding papers.) Threats like that can land you

in jail, Barone.LUIGI: You get off, too! I no have to listen to you!G.G.: ’Fraid you do, old timer!EDDIE: Pretty stupid trick trying to scare Mr. Barone into closing.G.G.: It would have been easier than this. (Holds out a piece of paper.

ANNA takes it.)ANNA: What is this?MARIA: (Reads.) “This property condemned…”LUIGI: What you mean, “condemned”?G.G.: I didn’t want to do it, but we’ve just got such great plans for this

place, Pop.LUIGI: I not your Pop!ANNA: What does this mean?G.G.: You’re out of here! The county has condemned the property so

we can come in and develop it.FRANK: It’s done all the time.MARIA: You can’t do that!NICOLA: It’s un-American!

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GINA: Yeah! Where’ll we go?G.G.: If you’d have accepted the first offer, you’d be sitting pretty. But

now… well, we’ll give you… what, Mr. Wright?FRANK: Fifty dollars an acre.EDDIE: What?! That’s stealing!G.G.: It’s business! (The GROUP rumbles in anger.) Now, hold on! Back

off!JOEY: You can’t just come in here and steal the Surfin’ Burgers!RICKY: Not without walking through us!G.G.: Miss Smart! Miss Smart! Where are you?!RICKY: Don’t even bother with reinforcements! (GINA, who has moved

to G.G., steps on G.G.’S foot. He jumps up screaming in pain. NICOLA hits him in the rear with a frying pan [or other item lying around].)

G.G.: Help! Help! (SABRINA runs ON LEFT with OFFICER WILLIE, who is blowing his whistle.)

SABRINA: We’re right here, G.G.!G.G.: (In pain.) Took you long enough!SABRINA: Constable here had to finish his doughnut!WILLIE: (A Brooklyn accent.) All right, all of yous. Back up away from

G.G. I mean, Mr. Glibb. (Holds gun on the GROUP.)JOEY: How’d we know that thing’s real?JUDY: You mean the gun?JOEY: I mean the cop!WILLIE: I am real! And you’re all under arrest!RICKY: There’s got to be some way we can work this out!WILLIE: There sure is. Keep moving to the parking lot and keep those

hands high! (The GROUP slowly backs to LEFT.)NICOLA: Mama, we’ll call from jail!WILLIE: You won’t do nothin’ in jail!ANNA: We’ll figure this out, honey. Don’t you worry!G.G.: This place is ours, and you’re to be out of here by five tomorrow.ANNA: Five?!LUIGI: But that’s… that’s… mama mia!G.G.: Wright, you stay and get some stakes in the ground. My crew’s

coming in day after tomorrow!FRANK: But what if these… these… people come back?WILLIE: They’re spending the night in the cooler!FRANK: Promise?

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WILLIE: Cross my heart! (Has now moved the GROUP, except ANNA, LUIGI, MARIA and EDDIE, OFF LEFT, and EXITS.)

SABRINA: I’ll go start the car. (Moves LEFT, then turns around.) Gosh! I can’t wait to see the hotel standing right here! (EXITS LEFT.)

G.G.: The girl’s got vision.ANNA: Nothing bifocals wouldn’t cure.G.G.: Laugh all you want, but just be out of here by five tomorrow

evening. (EXITS LEFT, followed OFF by FRANK.)ANNA: Papa, what’ll we do?LUIGI: (Sad.) Pack. (MUSIC CUE 4a: “The American Dream–Reprise.”

Lights dim on ANNA, MARIA and EDDIE. LUIGI is in a soft glow.) Oh, Rosa… my Rosa. What-a we do now? (VISION OF ROSA appears. Sings.) And we sailed…

VISION OF ROSA: (Sings.) And we sailed…LUIGI: (Sings.) …to a new land of promiseVISION OF ROSA: (Sings.) …to a new land of promise.LUIGI: (Sings.) Yes, we sailed…VISION OF ROSA: (Sings.) Yes, we sailed…LUIGI/VISION OF ROSA: (Sing.) …on a crystal blue stream.LUIGI: (Sings.) And we vow…VISION OF ROSA: (Sings.) And we vow…LUIGI: (Sings.) …as we look at the sunset,VISION OF ROSA: (Sings.) …as we look at the sunset,LUIGI/VISION OF ROSA: (Sing.) We will find the American dream!

(VISION OF ROSA disappears.)LUIGI: (Sarcastic. Speaks.) The American dream. Bah! (MUSIC OUT.

LUIGI and ANNA EXIT CENTER.)EDDIE: I’m sorry, Maria… there’s got to be—LUIGI: (Calls from CENTER.) Maria! You gotta help! (MARIA kisses

EDDIE on the cheek and EXITS CENTER. He smiles widely in spite of the situation. BEVERLY, JUNE and TRUDY ENTER RIGHT, excited.)

BEVERLY: Never would I have imagined it, girls!JUNE: And we thought the red-billed palm sucker was something!TRUDY: Right here at Kahuna Beach!EDDIE: Find some new species?BEVERLY: Even the books don’t know about this one!EDDIE: What is it?JUNE: Just a blue-eyed, silver-crowned heron.

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TRUDY: The guidebooks say they only live in northern Mexico and one small area of Florida!

BEVERLY: But we saw and photographed three of them feeding.JUNE: I’m so excited I could eat a horse! (BEVERLY, TRUDY and JUNE

sit at a table.)TRUDY: Really! Some of the linguini would just hit the spot.EDDIE: Sorry, ladies, but Surfin’ Burgers is closed.BEVERLY: It was open when we passed by this morning.EDDIE: Apparently a new hotel is going up right here.JUNE: A new hotel?TRUDY: But what will the birds do?EDDIE: (Pulls out his notebook.) A blue-eyed, silver-crowned heron, you

said?BEVERLY: We never would have guessed they could live here.JUNE: I mean… how could they survive?EDDIE: How about a quick lesson in bird-ology?TRUDY: Pull up a chair! (EDDIE sits as the CURTAIN FALLS.)

End of Scene Four

Scene FiveLIGHTS UP: The following evening. Boxes and suitcases sit ONSTAGE. NICOLA, GINA and MARIA each ENTER CENTER carrying a new box or suitcase to add to what’s been piled up. A sign stands DOWNSTAGE reads, “This Property Condemned.”NICOLA: A campground?! We’re moving to a campground?MARIA: It’ll be fun. Most people love to go camping.GINA: We’re not most people! I hate bugs.NICOLA: And snakes! Have you thought of that?GINA: We could die at a campground!MARIA: It’s the only place we can move to this fast. I’m sure Nonno

will find something nice for us.NICOLA: At least a campground will be better than jail.GINA: That place was awful!MARIA: Oh, come on, girls, you never even got inside. Eddie bailed

you out before you saw a cell.GINA: But I heard the people moaning and groaning in there.NICOLA: That was the air conditioner, Gina. (LUIGI and ANNA ENTER

carrying boxes.)

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ANNA: (Sets hers down, then sits in chair. Sad.) Oh, Papa… how could this happen?

LUIGI: It is same as old country! The rich take what they want! And police help!

GINA: Where will we move to, Grandpa?LUIGI: The moon!MARIA: Eddie Hays said that maybe—LUIGI: Eddie! Eddie! Stop with the Eddie!MARIA: Nonno! Eddie bailed everybody out! He has become our only

friend. Can’t you give him a chance?LUIGI: Not good enough for you!ANNA: Oh, Papa! How do you know this?LUIGI: I know! I know! That’s how I know.MARIA: That’s right, Mama. Eddie’s not a doctor, and he’s not Italian.

Did you ever think I might want something different?LUIGI: You are too young to know what you want. (MARIA EXITS

CENTER.)ANNA: Oh, Papa!LUIGI: What? (ANNA huffs OFF CENTER. NICOLA and GINA also huff

OFF CENTER, arms folded in anger.)CONNIE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Buon giorno.LUIGI: What so good about it?CONNIE: It’s not raining.LUIGI: Big deal!CONNIE: Maria is a lovely young woman.LUIGI: She’s a child.CONNIE: I think she grew up while you weren’t looking.LUIGI: What does she know? (MUSIC CUE 4b: “The American Dream—

Underscore.”)CONNIE: (Speaks.) My father said the same thing about the man I was

going to marry. “He’s not right for you! He doesn’t have a good job. All he does is pick olives.”

LUIGI: (Speaks.) Pick olives?CONNIE: (Speaks.) “You throw yourself away on him, you’ll never be

happy.”LUIGI: (Speaks.) Were you?CONNIE: (Speaks.) Oh, yes. Good thing I didn’t listen to my father, or I

wouldn’t have had the wonderful years I had with mio marito.LUIGI: (Speaks.) Funny, you remind me of someone.

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CONNIE: (Speaks.) I hope you liked whoever it was.LUIGI: (Speaks.) Oh, if you knew…CONNIE: (Speaks.) I thought at first when I came here you reminded

me of someone, too. Someone I once loved very much. But now…LUIGI: (Speaks.) But now?CONNIE: (Speaks.) I don’t think so. He felt for others. He understood.

He didn’t talk as much as he listened. Too bad some people change.

LUIGI: (Speaks.) Si, they get wiser.CONNIE: (Speaks.) Is that what you call it? Arrivederci, Luigi. (Crosses

in front of LUIGI and EXITS LEFT. LUIGI pulls picture she had given him yesterday from his pocket and looks at it.)

LUIGI: (Speaks.) How? How is this… possible? (MUSIC OUT. MARIA ENTERS CENTER, carrying a suitcase. ANNA, NICOLA and GINA follow her ON.)

NICOLA: You can’t leave, Maria!GINA: Please don’t go!ANNA: Maria, listen to your sisters. They’ll be lost without you.GINA: And you know what happened to Hansel and Gretel when they

got lost!MARIA: I’m sorry! I can’t live like this anymore.ANNA: Where will you go?MARIA: I will go to school. I will become the doctor. That way I can

marry who I want and we still have a doctor in the family. You like that, Nonno?

LUIGI: (Not paying attention to what she said.) Our first house! The house where you were born, Anna!

ANNA: (Looks at the picture.) Where did you get this? (MARIA, exasperated, EXITS LEFT as JOEY, CAROL, BRENDA, JUDY, RICKY and GARY ENTER LEFT and position themselves around the FAMILY.)

JOEY: Mr. Barone?ANNA: Papa! Papa! The kids are here.LUIGI: How did she know this?ANNA: Forget the picture, Papa. We got company.CAROL: We came to get our surfboards…BRENDA: And to say good-bye.RICKY: We’re gonna miss this place.GARY: And how! Nobody’s got waves like you do!JOEY: Here, Mr. Barone… I know I got a big tab, so I’m giving you my

personal I.O.U.

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GARY: It’s got his address and phone number on it so if he doesn’t pay up, your guys can come get him.

LUIGI: What guys?NICOLA: Us, Grandpa. Gina and me will take care of him!CAROL: Oh, man! Look at those waves!BRENDA: But you know what’s missing?JUDY: The smell of linguini and calamari! (BEVERLY, TRUDY and JUNE

ENTER RIGHT.)BEVERLY: Oh, it hardly seems possible!TRUDY: What kind of government would evict such cute little creatures?NICOLA: Gee thanks! We feel pretty bad about moving.JUNE: Oh, Trudy meant the blue-eyed, silver-crowned heron.BEVERLY: We just had a last look before bulldozers plow up their

nesting grounds!TRUDY: You know, girls, we could form a human chain and stand up

to those monsters.JUNE: What good would that do?BEVERLY: Well, maybe the Today Show would come out and get some

pictures.JUNE: Sure, of us being squashed by bulldozers!BEVERLY: Isn’t there anything we can do?EDDIE: (ENTERS LEFT carrying a note.) Evening.ANNA: Good evening, Eddie.NICOLA: But if you’re looking for Maria, she’s already gone.EDDIE: Where’d she go?GINA: Medical school.EDDIE: Huh?ANNA: She didn’t leave long ago. I’m sure you can catch her.EDDIE: Well, I came to see you, Mr. Barone.LUIGI: What?EDDIE: You sent me a note. At least I think you did. It’s signed Luigi

Barone. (ANNA takes the note.)LUIGI: I no send a note.ANNA: Papa, it says to meet you here at five o’clock. But it doesn’t

look like your scribbling. (LUIGI snaps the note from ANNA. He looks at it and gasps. LUIGI suddenly grabs EDDIE and kisses him on each cheek.)

LUIGI: Mama mia, my boy! What a fool Luigi has been!EDDIE: I… I don’t know… what to say.

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NICOLA: Say, yes, he’s been a fool!ANNA: Papa, what is all this?LUIGI: This note! Rosa wrote it!ANNA: Mama’s been dead for years.LUIGI: Rosa wrote it! And you know what this means? She likes this

boy. Even if he no doctor. Even if he no Italian!GINA: Well, her timing’s way off! Maria’s already gone.EDDIE: I’ll be right back! Don’t go anywhere! (Races OFF LEFT.)LUIGI: Don’t go anywhere? We’re being evicted! (G.G., SABRINA, FRANK

and OFFICER WILLIE ENTER RIGHT.)G.G.: Officer Willie, get this riff-raff off my land!LUIGI: Your land? Your land! What kind of place is this? This not your

land! She my land! I work hard! I pay for her. I pay for every grain of sand! This mine! You get land over my dead body!

ANNA: And mine, Papa!NICOLA: Mine, too! And Gina’s!GINA: Hey, wait a minute! (NICOLA nudges GINA.)JOEY: Mine, too!CAROL: All of ours!BEVERLY: Three old bats in front of a bulldozer won’t do much good.TRUDY: But they can’t get us all at once!WILLIE: Mr. Glibb? What do I do?JUNE: Call the Today Show! They’ll want to get this on film! (MUSIC

CUE 5: “She’s-a My Land.” ALL sing on chorus parts except G.G., SABRINA, FRANK and OFFICER WILLIE.)

LUIGI: (Speaks.) You cannot do this! I won’t-a let you!(Sings.) She’s-a my land, not-a your land!You best-a take-a my advice.I tell-a you once, not-a twice!She’s-a my land, not-a your land!Take-a care, get out-a my hair.Da next-a time, I not so nice!

CHORUS: (ALL except G.G., SABRINA, FRANK and OFFICER WILLIE sing with accent.) Take-a care, get out-a his hair.Da next-a time he not so nice! (MUSIC continues under dialogue.)

LUIGI: (Speaks, affecting a “tough guy” attitude.) Okay, yous! You wanna play rough-a with-a Luigi? I’m-a gonna call-a my boys, Fat Charlie and Louie da Wrench. Dey gonna make-a you an offer you no can refuse! Then we gonna see how tough you are! (ANNA, GINA and NICOLA look at LUIGI in disbelief. They can’t believe their ears.)

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ANNA: (Speaks, aside to LUIGI.) Papa, what are you talking about? Who’s Fat Charlie and Louie the Wrench?

LUIGI: (Speaks, aside to ANNA.) Shhhh. I see dis on-a television once. I gonna take care of it.

ANNA: (Rolls her eyes. Speaks.) Oh, brother! (MUSIC UP.)LUIGI: (Continues in his “tough guy” voice, sings.)

You try to make-a da case?My boys-a mess-a you face.De spread-a you nose all over da place.You disappear, arrivederci!

CHORUS: (Sings.) You disappear, arrivederci!LUIGI: (Sings.) Hey! Hey! Hey!

She’s-a my land, not-a your land!You best-a take-a my advice. (ANNA, GINA and NICOLA decide to play along, accent and all.)

ANNA: (Sings.) Da boys de like to slice ’n’ dice!LUIGI: (Shocked, but encouraged by ANNA’S response.) She’s-a my

land, not-a your land!GINA: (Sings.) Da boys are rough, da boys are tough.NICOLA: (Sings.) De gonna put-a you on ice!CHORUS: (Sings.) Da boys are rough, da boys are tough.

De gonna put-a you on ice!LUIGI: (Sings.) Let me tell-a you what de do,CHORUS: (Shouts.) Hey!LUIGI: (Sings.) De cut-a you up in two.CHORUS: (Shouts.) Hey!ANNA/GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.) De add-a da cheese, a little ragout,

De make-a da pizza out-a you!CHORUS: (Sings.) De make-a da pizza out-a you!LUIGI/CHORUS: (Shout.) Hey! Hey! Hey!CHORUS: (Sings.) She’s-a his land, not-a your land!

You best-a take-a his advice.LUIGI: (Sings.) You take-a da chance, you roll-a da dice.CHORUS: (Sings.) She’s-a his land, not-a your land!LUIGI: (Sings.) Take-a care, get out-a my hair.

You mess-a with me, you pay da price!CHORUS: (Sings.) Take-a care, get out-a his hair.

You mess-a with him, you pay da price!ANNA: (Sings.) Yes, we live-a where we choose!CHORUS: (Shouts.) Hey!

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GINA/NICOLA: (Sing.) You fight, you gonna lose.CHORUS: (Shouts.) Hey!LUIGI: (Sings.) Da boys de got a short-a fuse.

I hope you like-a cement-a shoes!CHORUS: (Sings.) We hope you like-a cement-a shoes!LUIGI/CHORUS: (Shout.) Hey! Hey! Hey!CHORUS: (Sings.) She’s-a his land, not-a your land!

You best-a take-a his advice.LUIGI: (Sings.) I tell-a you once, not-a twice!CHORUS: (Sings.) She’s-a his land, not-a your land!LUIGI: (Sings.) Take-a care get out-a my hair.

Da next-a time I not so nice!CHORUS: (Sings.) Take-a care, get out-a his hair.

Da next-a time he not so nice!LUIGI: (Sings.) Oh, and by the way.CHORUS: (Shouts.) Hey!LUIGI: (Sings.) For you I gonna pray.CHORUS: (Shouts.) Hey!LUIGI: (Sings.) ’Cause it’s-a your last-a day!CHORUS: (Shouts.) Hey!LUIGI: (Sings.) Get out! Get out! Get out-a my place!

Before de come and cut and-a paste.Take-a you and leave-a no trace!Mama mia, shaddap-a you face!She’s-a my land!

CHORUS: (Sings.) She’s-a his land!LUIGI/CHORUS: (Sing.) She’s-a my/his land! (Shout.) Hey! (MUSIC

OUT.)G.G.: Nice try, Barone, but I don’t buy the phony mafia thing. Besides,

Fat Charlie and Louie the Wrench work for me.LUIGI: (Amazed.) What?!G.G.: The thing you people don’t understand is that I’m going to do

something with this land! I’m going to make it worthwhile! I’m going to improve it… something you haven’t done, Barone! It’s all perfectly legal, and there’s nothing you or anybody else can do about it! (EDDIE and MARIA, hand in hand, ENTER LEFT.)

EDDIE: Yes, there is!SABRINA: Officer Willie!WILLIE: All right, folks, I want you to all move peacefully toward the

parking lot.

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EDDIE: By whose order?G.G.: By order of the owner!EDDIE: That’s fine, Mr. Glibb. You’re the new owner.MARIA: Eddie! What are you saying?EDDIE: Mr. Glibb has used the system legally to condemn this property,

and now he’ll hold ownership.G.G.: At least someone here has sense!LUIGI: (Looks upward.) Rosa! What you doing to me?SABRINA: Now we can put up the hotel…FRANK: The casino!WILLIE: The breakwater!EDDIE: Not exactly.G.G.: What do you mean? I can do anything I want with my property.EDDIE: Not exactly.SABRINA: Come on! Everybody knows once you own land you can do

what you want with it.EDDIE: Not exactly!MARIA: What exactly, Eddie?EDDIE: The ladies here… the three old bats as you called them…

have found two rare species of birds.BEVERLY: And they are so beautiful!G.G.: Birds can fly anywhere!EDDIE: But they can’t find food just anywhere. The blue-eyed, silver-

crowned heron feeds in part on the eggs of the green-backed turtle. And Kahuna beach is the only place on the entire California coast where the green-backed turtle lives. Getting the picture?

TRUDY: If you dig this all up… the turtles will die!JUNE: And then the birds won’t have any source of food, and they’ll

die.G.G.: So?SABRINA: What’s the big deal?EDDIE: It’s against the law.G.G.: What law?EDDIE: Laws enforced by the new Environmental Protection Agency.G.G.: What? I’ve never heard of that.EDDIE: We’re just getting our sea legs, but I warn you, we’ve already

got our teeth.MARIA: We?EDDIE: I’m the first field agent here in Southern California.

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LUIGI: So you got a government job? I dunno, Rosa… I dunno!ANNA: What does this mean, Eddie?EDDIE: It means Glibb here might own the property, but he can’t do

anything to change it in any way that would destroy the habitat of the turtles.

G.G.: What?! You’re crazy! I used the system!EDDIE: But now there’s a new system.SABRINA: What good is all this sand if you can’t put a hotel on it?G.G.: Have you heard anything about this, Wright?FRANK: Well, now, I did see a booklet come from some Protection

Agency, but I haven’t had time to read it yet.G.G.: You think you’re smart, kid, but I haven’t begun to fight!EDDIE: I submitted my report this morning, Mr. Glibb. And even if you

decide to fight, you’ll lose the war and it will take a long, long time.FRANK: There is that nice land over at Pokamo Point that would work,

G.G.G.G.: It’s probably a whole lot better than this place anyway! Keep your

beach, Barone. You bums deserve it! (ALL cheer as G.G., SABRINA, WILLIE and FRANK EXIT LEFT.)

MARIA: How can we ever thank you, Eddie?EDDIE: Just doing my job, Maria!LUIGI: (Pats EDDIE on the back.) My boy’s got a government job!NICOLA: So we’re staying? We’re staying!ANNA: It looks that way, si, Papa?LUIGI: Si! We stay!GINA: Oh, yuck!MARIA: What’s wrong with you?GINA: We’ve got to unpack now! (JEEVES ENTERS LEFT with a letter

on a silver tray.)RICKY: Hey, Joey!GARY: Isn’t that Jeeves?JOEY: Jeeves! What are you doing here?JEEVES: Your father sends a message, Master Joseph. He said to

deliver it to “Surfin’ Sam” personally.JOEY: That’s my… pen name. You’re a pal, Jeeves.JEEVES: I know, sir. (JOEY takes the letter off the tray and opens it. He

pulls out a letter and a check.)CAROL: What’s it say?JOEY: Spin City Records bought my song! They bought it!

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LUIGI: Good! You settle your tab now!JOEY: And what about that surf shop, Mr. Barone?LUIGI: Maybe not so bad an idea after all, Joey.MARIA: We’d better check with the EPA, first.EDDIE: We’ll talk to the turtles and see what they think!JUDY: Hey guys, look!GARY: Surf’s up!RICKY: Grab your board, grab your fave!CAROL: Let’s get out and grab a wave! (ALL FREEZE. LIGHTS DIM.

MUSIC CUE 5a: “Surf’s Up—Epilogue.” Sound effects are heard as in the Prologue: OCEAN SURF, SEAGULLS, a CONCH SHELL, a SHIP’S BELL. After the music introduction [see score], JOEY UNFREEZES, moves DOWN CENTER, and addresses the AUDIENCE. The rest of the ENSEMBLE remains frozen in a silhouette.)

JOEY: (Sings.) Wake up, everybody, it’s a sunny California day.Got the woody all packed an’ we’re itchin’ to be on our way.With the chariot revved, foot to the floor,Wheels burnin’ rubber all the way to the shore,Drivin’ my hot rod, cruisin’ along.I’m chirpin’ out a Beach Boy song. (LIGHTS UP. The rest of the ENSEMBLE UNFREEZES. REMAINING ENSEMBLE ENTERS. The next two stanzas are sung together as SURFER soloists with backup vocals.)

SURFERS: (Group of GIRLS, BOYS, or mixed. Sing.)We’ll be checkin’ out the action, lookin’ for the ultimate high.Rippin’ on the waves like a roller coaster smokin’ by.With my toes on the nose, I’ll be hangin’ ten.Takin’ off, turnin’ and a-burnin’ again!Stoked and smokin’ like a demon dude,I’ll be comin’ down with attitude!

BACKUP VOCALS: (Group of GIRLS, BOYS, or mixed. Sing.)Ooo. Wop wah ooo.Ooo. Wop wah ooo.Doo wah ah! Doop doo wah ah!Doop doo wah ah!(The next three stanzas [parts one, two and three] are sung as a TRIO.)

PART ONE: (A few solo GIRLS [or BOYS singing falsetto 8va] sing.) Ooo!Ooo!

PART TWO: (Mixed GIRLS [and BOYS, if desired] sing.)Surf’s up! Surf’s up!

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Surf’s up! Surf’s up!Surf’s up! Surf’s up!Surf’s up!

PART THREE: (BOYS sing.)Surf’s up! Everybody’s ridin’ it now.Surf’s up! Everybody’s livin’ it now.Surf’s up! Everybody’s shoutin’ it now.Surf’s up!

ALL: (Sing.) Never gonna shut me down.Surf’s up! (Repeat last chorus. MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

END OF MUSICAL

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEShack façade, optional beads for doorway, two signs (one reading

“Surfin’ Burgers,” the other a menu listing Italian entrees), two or three tables with checkered tablecloths, mismatched chairs, small table with menus, rag and sandwich baskets, miscellaneous fishing gear, life preservers, at least seven surfboards, etc., cutout sand dunes and palm trees.

Scene One: Scrim.Scene Two: Plate on table, sign that reads “We reserve the right to

refuse anybody.”Scene Three: Napkins, two rags, bowl of soup.Scene Four: Legal papers, pen, bill, frying pan (or something else

Nicola can use to hit G.G. in the rear), scrim.Scene Five: Miscellaneous boxes, suitcases and a sign reading “This

Property Condemned.”

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONScene One:

Skateboard (JOEY)Baskets of food (MARIA, GINA, NICOLA)Bill, small paper bag (LUIGI)Small notebook, pen (EDDIE)Small notebook, tiny pencil (SABRINA)

Scene Two:Sketchpad, pencil (CONNIE)Order pad and pencil, basket of food (ANNA)Money (LUIGI)

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Slip of paper (JUDY)Paper bag (MARIA)Small bottle of “cockroaches” (G.G.)

Scene Three:Briefcase containing white glove, small bottle and poster that

reads, “Closed by Order of the Health Department” (BETSY)Surfboards (JOEY, RICKY, CAROL, BRENDA, GARY, JUDY, EXTRA

SURFERS)Bill (LUIGI)Notebook, pen (EDDIE)Pen and tablet (SADIE)

Scene Four:Sketchpad, pencil (CONNIE)$5 bill (BRENDA)Poster that reads, “Kahuna-Ritz Hotel and Casino—Invest Now!”,

notebook (EDDIE)Sunglasses (RICKY)Sketchpad and pencil (FRANK)Paper that reads “This Property Condemned.” (G.G.)Whistle, fake gun (WILLY)

Scene Five:Boxes and suitcases (NICOLA, GINA, MARIA, LUIGI, ANNA)Folded-up sketch (LUIGI)Suitcase (MARIA)Note (EDDIE)Silver tray with envelope containing a letter and a check (JEEVES)

VISION OF ROSAThe Vision of Rosa, Luigi’s departed wife, appears twice in the show. Luigi’s Vision of Rosa can be achieved by using a scrim curtain. The actress portraying Rosa will appear when a spotlight behind the scrim illuminates her figure. When the spotlight fades, her image will disappear.

SOUND EFFECTSOcean surf, seagulls, conch shell, ship’s bell.

MISCELLANEOUSCostuming and props for the show can be improvised. LUIGI wears an apron. BEVERLY, JUNE and TRUDY always carry binoculars. SADIE carries a purse. BETSY wears a badge.Surfboards and other surfing gear can be made of painted cardboard shapes.

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