Joan Hitchens © 2012-2016 Navigating Grief TM

Five Simple and Powerful Steps You Can Do to Navigate Grief

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This booklet is for educational purposes only. If your grief is overwhelming or interfering with your daily life activities it is suggested you contact a grief support professional through your healthcare or local hospice provider.

© Five Simple and Powerful Steps You Can Do to Navigate Grief by Joan Hitchens, Navigating Grief founder and coach

Storybooks for Healing® and Navigating Grief are trademarks of Peeps That Write, LLC

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Five Simple and Powerful Steps You Can Do to Navigate Grief“The only way to get over grief is to grieve.” ~unknown

Grief is a normal response to loss. We may have any combination of emotional, physical, thought, behavioral and social changes. Grief can be complicated by all sorts of factors that individualize our pain: How close we were to the deceased, how sudden or violent the death, how lingering the illness, how much support we have, how recent, our dependence on others, our beliefs, our stubbornness to be strong, previous losses... and so, so many other factors! We all experience losses throughout our lifetime, but some, such as the death of a significant person in our life and lifestyle, can really affect our daily well-being for a long time. These individual factors are why two siblings can have a parent die and they have completely opposite reactions.

We grieve deeply because we have loved. But grief is rarely a neat package. More grief does not equal more love. Mourning and grieving a short time or for years isn’t a measure of caring. Our relationships are complicated.

Grieving is the process of grief. As a process, it is important that we move through it rather than around. If we ignore, put off or otherwise avoid the loss for whatever reason, then we have essentially never even grieved. We have only lost and tried to forget. But until you do the work of grief by acknowledging and adjusting to the very real changes in your life and the important meaning of the relationship, the pain of loss will continue to be a not-so-welcomed companion.

The following steps are just a part of your journey through grief. These are universal steps that you can use on your own path of healing. They are not in a particular order, and not a list of must do’s. The suggestions are a start and not an end. One step is not dependent upon the other. They are designed to help you make each step your own. They are simple, and simply stated, actions with power to heal. May you find peace along the way...

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Take a step to navigate grief...

Breathe

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The advice to breathe is stated often, and with good reason – it works. When you are in the moment of pain, sadness, anxiety or overwhelming memory since your loss, breathing can help you through in the moment. Should your grief turn into a sense of overwhelm, even a “fight” or flight” reaction: Stop. Turn your attention inward to your breath. Sit, if you can, with both feet firmly on the ground. Take a deep breath filling your lungs and making your belly rise. Exhale fully. Slowing between breaths, do this ten times. Listen to the air exchange. Feel your body in its place, your feet firmly grounded. Concentrate on your breath and self. Be in the moment.

Why use conscious breathing:

• Brings you into the presence so you can acknowledge how you are feeling.• Helps you through the next five minutes.• Changes your focus, not to ignore or forget what you are going through, but to help you come back to yourself to deal with

the thoughts or situation at hand. • Calms you by bringing your blood pressure down and lowering your heart rate.• Slows you down from escalating the painful thinking.• Nourishes the body with oxygen to feed your brain, cells and muscles so you can think more clearly and regain energy.

Ideas for incorporating conscious breathing into your life:

• Spend a few minutes each day in meditation or prayer while listening to your own breaths.• Try a yoga class, walking regularly or other forms of exercise.• Allow yourself to cry. What is crying anyway, but big cathartic release of breaths with tears?

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Take a step to navigate grief...

Give yourself permission

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In grief, time can be a friend or an enemy. It seems that everyone has an opinion on how long or when you should be feeling what. Yet, bereavement experts all agree that each person has their own timetable for processing their grief. 30 days, six months, one year, even ten years is no magical number. But what most don’t say so directly is that you can make choices on what you do with your time. In addition, the attitude with which you approach your grief will influence your sense of healing. Shifting your approach to be gentle with yourself as you grieve starts with giving yourself permission.

• Permission to grieve openly and fully.• Permission to take your time. • Permission to remember.• Permission to laugh, cry, get angry, be sad, ache, to feel as you feel.• Permission to live as best you can if only “under the circumstances.”• Permission to go inward with, and for, yourself.• Permission to choose be alone or hang out in crowds.• Permission to make changes or keep things the same.• Permission to plan your future with a positive and healthy outlook. • Permission to say no or yes and change your mind.

Why is this so important? Because this is your life and your timetable for grief. If you wait for someone else’s permission you are giving into “shoulds.” There is only one expert on your grief and that is You. So if laughter helps, give yourself permission to laugh! If someone else tells you laughing (or whatever else) is not appropriate, or it’s time to get over your grief them give them this booklet and offer your permission to grieve in their own way.*

* The exception, of course, is if you are experiencing depression or are unable to care for yourself or carry out your required responsibilities. In this case, please be kind to yourself and seek out the appropriate professional help.

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Take a step to navigate grief...

Express yourself

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The word “express” come from the Latin “expressus” meaning literally, squeezed out. Expression is about letting out and letting go. Once you have passed the initial impact or shock of your loss and acknowledged that life is changed, it is vital you find outlets for expressing grief. Expression is the process known as grief work. You have feelings and memories that need to be squeezed out for what was. You need to look at what may or cannot happen as a consequence. Whether your loved one died suddenly or after a long illness, grief needs witness and validation.

Expression is the discovery process so you can:

• Create consciousness and awareness of how your grief and loss affects your life.• Learn what you need and what you value about yourself and your loved one.• Recognize patterns of thought that may be in the way of healing and hope. • Release the energy that holds you in pain from loss.

Ways to express yourself:

• Talking allows you to hear your self. Telling and retelling stories of both life and loss can soften the sting as you internalize your memories.

• Writing is a very powerful tool. Journal, free write, poetry or use bereavement writing prompts. Ask of yourself and answer your own questions. Make bold observations. Describe feelings. Envision a better self.

• Images are the pictures that tell a thousand words. If you are a visual person, unleash your creativity through photography, video, paints, collages, and scrapbooking. Images capture and preserve feelings.

• Sound has a way to change a mood. Listen or create with your own music or turn on the old favorites. • Movement and physical activities re-energize your body and soul. From baby steps to dancing – exercise, walk, take a class,

yoga and meditation, even stomping around can be cathartic release of your grief.

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Take a step to navigate grief...

Create and preserve memories

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One of the first and most often feared reason that grief may linger is that we believe our loved one will be forgotten. When others stop talking about the person we miss we often make up stories about them being forgotten. Usually though, our friends and family worry that mentioning the deceased person will make you sad. Remembering is much more powerful and healing than the fear of forgetting. When you do things to remember with family and friends of the deceased, everyone is enriched. One individual’s memories almost always spark new stories. Collective memories then become a shared experience for healing in the present and carried into the future.

Creating and preserving memories is about consciously remembering, sharing and growing your heart space. Creating is doing something about grief in lasting and profound ways. By preserving your memories and stories they become assimilated into your being. By creating tangible gifts you are assured your loved one and their stories are not only in your heart but safely in your hands and become a legacy of the person you love.

Here are some ideas to get started:

• Use photos and other memorabilia to make custom photo books, calendars, cards and memory boxes. • Make audio recording of stories and memories before they fade. You can set up formal interview or capture chatting around

the table. Transcribe for use in storybooks.• Keep the tradition, change the tradition. Make a choice on what is meaningful and how your family might best approach

holidays and significant dates which honor memories. • Re-purpose items to give value or add meaning. Favorite clothes can become a loved pillow. A personal library can be

donated to a related organization.• Honor through legacy gifts, advocacy, volunteering or donating to causes in your loved one’s memory.• Remember, your loved one really does live on in your heart and your memories.

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Take a step to navigate grief...

Find your best support in the moment

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Whether your loss was recent or years ago we all need people to walk with us at some time in our grief journey. Grief falls across a broad spectrum of “normal” but there are some indicators that will help you decide that another person might be just what you need to grieve (express and process your loss) more actively on your journey of healing.

When to consider options for seeking out support:

• If your grief is not moving or changing or progressing. You are feeling ”stuck.” • Your current support system does not help you or you feel judged. • You feel alone in the grief journey or have fears about your ability to cope.• You repeat the same steps and expect different results.

To find the right support consider both the level of support and what you expect out of the help. One question to ask is “do I simply need someone who can listen and validate my feelings or do I need someone to help me solve a problem in my life?” With this answer for you in mind you can direct yourself to the proper person or level of support that you need in the moment. Since grief changes, you can have different needs along the way. Even the most independent and “strong” person benefits from support.

Support pathways:

• Do it Yourself! Write, create, memory projects, use your own resources, read, journal, breathe...• Friends and Family. Can be great and comforting resource. However as time passes, the numbers lessen and sometime their

patience does, too. Make sure friends and family are still giving you what you need. • Support groups. Drop in or scheduled, local or online options. Look for what will be comforting to you.• Workshops, programs and conferences. Educate yourself about grief from the experts leading the way. • One on One. Therapy for resolving complicated losses or difficult relationships. Coaching through grief supports you in

designing your future as you process the impact of your loss. Always choose a professional who understands grief.

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Your journey of healing starts here...

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DISCOVER

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• Articles, resources and tools

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P.O. Box 12991 • Olympia, WA 98508 • 360.534.0203

Joan Hitchens, CLCLife Enegy Coach

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BreatheGive Permission

Express Yourself

Preserve Memories

Find Your Best Support

Navigatin g Grief