finding the inner selfie - american society of clinical ...€¦ · finding the inner selfie:...

Tobi B. Goldfus, LCSW‐C, BCD 2016 1

Finding The Inner Selfie:Helping Adolescents and Young Adults Absorbed in Cyberspace

Hypnotherapy As The Search Engine

“Parts” or Ego States As The Home Page

Presented By: Tobi B Goldfus, LCSW-C, BCD

“Text Me In the Morning”Neon TreesPop Psychology


Old School – New School

“I tweet, therefore I am”


Tribal

Tribal(oxytocin)


New definition of WHOLE Person

Invite Digital Personas and Experience

Into The Therapy Space


CYBERPRESENCE: Online in a totally absorbed way. Dissociated from IRL and responding to whatever is happening online.

GOAL: From CYBERPRESENCE to “BEING PRESENT”

Hypnotherapy As Your Lens

Hypnotic Phenomena Experienced Online Matches Direct Or Indirect Trance In

Hypnotherapy Sans Therapeutic Guidance And Goals

Ego State Awareness As A .

Learning about one’s different parts of “self” and cyberspace “identities” pave

the way to healthier BOUNDARY setting


Using “Parts of Self” (Ego States) as Crossover Between Online and IRL for Integration Goals

• Integration of Hypnosis and Ego State Therapy can seamlessly move between external, internal, and “online” experiences.

• ATTUNEMENT to ALL of these “realities” is essential for optimal therapeutic growth and therapeutic alliance.

The “Yes‐Set” Is Percolating

Acknowledging and Acceptance of external, internal AND “online”

experiences and behavior.

The Goal is Integration: “when the parts are in communication with each other and are working together harmoniously and cooperatively”

‐ (Phillips and Frederick)


Ultimate Goal: Healthy Ego Boundaries

Lack of Ego Boundaries = Lack of Sense of Self

Often global in understanding, adaptive to whatever, little knowledge of own thoughts and feelings.

Goal: Assertiveness and limit setting; a belief that self is worth protecting

‐Michael Yapko, Ph.D

…enjoying a day at the beach


Getting together in a restaurant

MTV, 1992

How many “likes” or thumbs up; how long is your “streak” on snapchat with someone, are you “hoarding” or “nexting”?

How often do you up and edit your profiles?

What haven’t you said online?

FOMO


The Online Confessional: The Wailing Walls ‐ Post Secrets

Old School: Used to be friends, family, church. A substitute for a wanted friend or trusting person.

New School:A gamble, a caring response or a cruel one.

New School: With whoever is available: opinions from online “friends” and anonymous responses. PERMISSION NOT TO APOLOGIZE in Real Life. VENTING has become the new sharing.

You can be as mean or nice as you want to be

Permission to say ANYTHING.NO LIMITS ON ANGER OR CRUELTY

“Flaming”‐ the saying of outrageous things even when they are not anonymous.

Easy to bully.

“Screaming” or ”getting the private out”(Turkle); fights with friends or strangers in the “safety” of online space, often PROJECTING what they dislike in themselves.

A SHORT‐TERM “feel good”


• New Confidentiality

• Fluid Boundaries

What’s real ?

• Declines in Empathy

• Texting replaces Face‐To‐Face Conversation

• Self Worth = Number of Thumbs up

When did all this happen?

Affective Declines in Empathy


AVOIDING EYE CONTACT WHILE TEXTING AND/OR TALKING WHILE EYES ON PHONE

PHUBBING

Moving body Interactive and funTeamwork and mutual goals

STILL, major focus is on app, not each other

PokemonGO: Not the Whole Enchilada!!


7 Stages of Smart Phone Attachment

1. The Attraction Stage “I’ve been there eyeing you for a time, yeah, there

are others, but something in your style, looks,

your actions, pulled you out of the crowd…there’s

some chemistry here…”

2. Honeymoon Stage “Love at first thumb press. Wow! You’re fantastic,

wonderful, and you keep on surprising me! I want to learn more about you. I can’t wait to now you better. Show me more. Yes? You can do that TOO? Awesome. I’m hooked!

3. In Love Stage I am not myself if you are not in my sight, in my bag, in my pocket,

turned on and charged up. Your sounds, those cute little dings you make, make me feel so happy. Your adorable ring tones; I can’t imagine you not being here. I want to wake up with you, eat with you, hang out with you, go to bed with you. We’re meant for each other. Yes, there are a few things, very little, that bug me about you…you don’t answer back fast enough or freeze up one me (what’s that about, anyway?) But life is so much better with you…. Tobi Goldfus copyright 2016


4. Codependence & Addiction Stage “I think about you 24/7. I have you on and with me 24/7. The more you give, the more I want. I would rather be with you than not. If I have to be with someone IRL, I cheat and look at you without giving a d….or least caress you with my thumbs in response to your messages. People get annoyed with me, I don’t care. Just leave me alone. I want to be with you as much as is humanly possible.”

5. Disillusionment Stage “I’ve had enough. I’m so done. You are so

getting on my nerves, every time I turn around, you are dinging away, texting, trying to face time, whatever…what used to attract me to you is now bugging the s*** out of me. I feel out of sorts, where IS everyone? Oh yeah, they’re with someone like you and ignore me. I have a headache, my neck and shoulders hurt, I feel nervous. I feel far away from everyone IRL because I’ve spent all my time with you. And you know what? I’m sick of you. That’s the truth. I think we need to take a break.” Tobi Goldfus copyright 2016



7. Reapproachment & Acceptance Stage REAPPROACHMENT AND ACCEPTANCE STAGE: “I decided to give you another chance. I knew you would me without question. I charged you up, turned you on and we were off, like nothing ever happened. It was like we first met, going everywhere and connecting with everyone online again. Felt so good. I’m not perfect and you aren’t either. But I’ve learned some time off is good, if I plan it right. I can feel connected to both myself and others, my INNER SELFIE is feeling stronger. I can stand on my own when I CHOOSE to. But having you there, always ready to connect, it’s great. Our new INTERDEPENDENCE, not our old CO‐DEPENDENCE.” Tobi Goldfus copyright 2016

6. Time off Stage “I turned you off. I didn’t charge you. I walked away. I went for

a walk. It felt so weird, like something was missing. It seemed so quiet, almost too quiet. I liked it for a while. But everywhere I went and I mean EVERYWHERE, it seemed EVERYONE had a ‘you’. I tried to reach out but soon they went back to that ‘you’ of theirs. I was lonely. I missed all the social media and connections we had made together, all the places you had taken me to, I felt isolated, not myself. I missed you. A lot,”


Cyber‐dissociation: the ultimate form of detachment.

• The perfect impersonal personal relationship with no hassles or demands.

• Easy to objectify the person(s) one is interacting with.

• Easy to imagine it is much more real than it is.

The Ultimate Pseudo‐Connection

Complaints About Non‐Attentive Parents: On The Rise

Parents preoccupied with their own mobile devices& being plugged in.

Togetherness redefined: on various electronics, in different rooms, in same room: connected, not present.

PARENTS: Put down your devices & BE PRESENT for our youth

It is their developmental task to be non‐present at times, it isn’t ours.


Mama says, “Go outside and play!”

Can We Autocorrect Humanity? by Prince Ea


The ‘Inner Selfie’Immediate Down‐Regulation Tool

The Internal Sense of Self, Our Core, Our “Inner Strength”, Our “Inner Wisdom”,

Our Unblemished And Pure Self.

Our Healthy Ego, Strengths and Resources, Our Resiliency.

Taps Into The Sacred Part Of Ourselves


T1

• Key to their digital world

• Keeps you current to their digital realities

• Information shows them you are interested in a big part of their lives

• Helps you from the beginning of treatment to the end

• Opens the door to their online “parts” and personas, behaviors, and relationships

• Helps you navigate between and integrate their IRL (in real life) and virtual experiences

• You will be able to use cyberspace‐friendly language to increase experiential moments in therapy

WHAT DOES THE SMA TELL US?What Does The SMA Tell Us?


THERAPEUTIC TRANCE CYBERPRESENCE

DISSOCIATION:

Focused on a few to multiple sites, marginally aware of

outside distractions. Alert and responding digitally.

TIME DISTORTION

Often unaware of time passing while absorbed online.

DISSOCIATION

Through induction and ratifying their experience we bring them back into their bodies. Aware of outside

distractions, they are absorbed internally.

TIME DISTORTION

Time can seem shorter than it is or unaware of time passing.

Comparing Components of Hypnotic Phenomena With CyberPresence


AUTOMATIC BEHAVIOR

Online absorption encourages semi‐aware behaviors like sipping a drink, responding to a question IRL or blowing one’s nose, etc.

AMNESIA

Memory loss of online behaviors or experiences. Recalling

something IRL but not sure of specifics or no memory of.

AUTOMATIC BEHAVIOR

As induction deepens, behaviors like swallowing,

readjusting one’s position, etc. are done with semi‐awareness

while focus goes inward.

AMNESIA

Forgetting about something when cued. Can also respond without full awareness of

where it came from.




POSITVE/NEGATIVE HALLUCINATIONS

Multiple times in digital space, client fills in or projects what is not fully available, i.e.. texting: one guesses the tone and emotion

being received.

AGE REGRESSIN/PROGRESSION

Whether RPGs, editing or profiling, client creates different

ages and life experiences.

POSITIVE/NEGATIVE HALLUCINATIONS

When using metaphors or creating possibilities in trance, clients will use their own imagination. This

creates, is experiential and foreshadows goals.

AGE REGRESSION/PROGRESSION

Going back or forward in time to repair trauma and access positive

resources & possibility (“of course you can”!!).



CATALEPSY & IDEOMOTOR BEHAVIOR STATES

When deeply absorbed online, physical movements

restricted, even for hours at a time. May be aware of responding IRL vaguely.

ANESTHESIA/ANALGESIAWhen online for long periods of time, parts of the body can “go to sleep” or feel numb.

CATALEPSY (RESTRICTION OF MOVEMENT) & IDEOMOTOR BEHAVIOR (SEMI‐CONSCIOUS PHYSICAL MOVEMENT) STATES

Like feeling unable to move, clued to the seat, signaling with a finger, with little memory, etc. Internally,

alert, awake, absorbed and focused.

ANESTHESAI/ANALGESIAAbsence of feeling can be induced;

often numbness ,i.e. “glove anesthesia” for pain.




POST‐HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION

Online suggestion can be supportive or negative. From locking into self‐defeating messages to experiencing

suggestions that lead to more positive behavior, digital messages have weight.

The “yes‐set” is volatile and unpredictable.

POST‐HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION

Seeding the goals of therapy from the induction phase to the

end of treatment. Creating responsiveness in the future by cue and indirect suggestion.

Opening the receptive “yes‐set” for change.


THE GREAT FRONTIER

“CONNECTIVITY” ‐ offers your own time, place and control.

“FACE‐TO‐FACE” ‐ loss of control


CYBERPRESENCE: Being online in a totally absorbed way. Being able to be cyberpresent on many sites at once. Dissociated to some or extreme extent from RL.

CYBERALERT TO CYBERVIGILANT: On a continuum between being alert and focused on whatever and wherever their cyber attention is, to being hyper focused, scanning, constantly checking and moving around cyberspace with increased speed and absorption.

CYBERSINCERITY: The space from genuine to contrived, false and misrepresentation of the digital persona. The sender knows theirs, the receiver has to guess or assume what the level of cybersincerity is.

Cyberspace Glossary of Terms

CYBERTRUST: The amount of trust one has in the sender(s) of the

message. The receiver has to make a calculated guess and could be on target or completely off.

CYBEREGOSTATES: Those sides, “parts” or ego states being expressed and/or developing online.

TRANCETTE: The mini trance. A shorter version (example 4‐8

minutes) of a hypnotherapy direct trance. Shorter to commune with the digital pace of your young client.

Cyberspace Glossary of Terms


• The process of learning to care for yourself.

• To hear and listen to your inner voice.

• The inherent knowledge of doing what is good for you.

• A relationship with self. Developing healthy ego boundaries.

• Marked by outside motivation.

• Often set because of known consequences.

• Concrete steps that help control or contain behavior.

• Only first step but a good place to start.

Boundaries

External Boundaries Internal Boundaries


The Egocentricity of Youth and Focus on Self -the belief their experiences and thoughts are novel and unique and that others are just as

concerned with them as they are.

Believe they are constantly being scrutinized, evaluated and judged by peers, strangers and even parents. Leads to internal pressure and

can influence self-esteem (Elkind,1967, Piaget 1962).

The ‘Imaginary Audience’ is No More

A recent study showed 13yr

olds checking their posts

over 100 times a day, 61%

to see if their posts were

liked, 21% to see if posts

were saying mean things

about them, 36% to see if

friends were doing things

without them, 47% agreed

they did it themselves.

The Cyberspace Audience is Lurking!

13 yrs old (1992)

13 yrs old (2015)


• Finding & practicingw/ partners

• Changing roles & attitudes toward marriage & gender identity

• Feeling alone as “everyone else” can be perceived as different from them or not available

‐‐‐Erik Erikson‐‐‐

• Who am I, and Where am I going?

• Sexual Maturation: The time to experiment & explore

• Forging past with future expectations

• Loyalties to groups & persons (i.e. politics, religion)

• Fluid & complex forces often at odds

DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS

IDENTITY vs.

ROLE CONFUSION

INTIMACY vs.

ISOLATION

• Multiple online identities : “alter egos”?

• Place to experiment and develop social communities.

• Serious play practice, outside of “real” life.

• De‐marginalization through virtual groups. “No one knows I’m shy, overweight, awkward”. Can “come out”.

Developmental Tasks In The Digital World

• Creation of profiles or avatars of who one wants to be, natural “Rorschach” (Turkle)


SEPARATION FROM PARENTS: Only a text away. Same climate for independence but different.

SAME FRIENDS FOREVER: Instead of choosing some and discarding other childhood friends and peers as they change, they are FOREVER friends. Data base is the new address book.

SECRETS: With cyberspace access, an entire world of interactions, exploration and relationships totally unknown to parents and other adults

ONLINE FRIENDS AND SOCIAL NETWORKING: used to explore religion, political ideology and media for emerging adulthood.

Rites of Passage in a Digital World

A New Hierarchy of Needs?!


Dopamine is released with the ding of a response and/or frequent texting.

A neurotransmitter associated with pleasure, it is a compelling reward and can lead to compulsive or addictive behaviors.

Being plugged‐in 24/7 with these constant rewards can interfere with comfort of being alone & can interfere with the developing sense of self.

Cyberspace Influences On The Brain

win over Quality :more priority given to most recent information input.

Cyberspace Influences On The Brain


What is normal?

What is ?

Changing from “healthy” use to “compulsive” use to “addictive” use.

“TMI” or life as we know it

When the boundaries between “in real life (IRL)” & digital life become blurred.

Cycles of mania followed by depressive stretches.

Displacing sleep, exercise, face‐to‐face time.

Teens average over 3700 texts a month; 38 or more hours a week “plugged in” now considered normal.

New studies [UCLA, Wybrow et. al] find strong connection between online time of adolescents and mood disorders. Increases in depression, anxiety, stress and suicidal thinking.

Cyberspace medium’s addictive nature. Many with no other addictive behavior have developed it.

Mobile Device/Internet Addiction Disorder


What begins as exploration and self‐discovery can morph into self‐destructive behaviors and activity. Allows a new and novel way to explore self (i.e. sexuality) and find others with similar taste. You are not alone with a particular desire or fantasy.

This can reduce shame and reinforce positive feelings that this is “normal” (a plus or a minus).

Cyberspace has No‐‐‐‐‐‐‐

Shame

Secrecy

• Can be a signal a boundary has been crossed

• Can add to the arousal template

Cyberspace: A Wide‐Angle Lens of The Whole ual Landscape


“The loss of being able to choose to stopor continue a behavior”(Patrick Carnes)

• Can involve rituals and obsessions, particularly cybersex.

• Continues despite consequences.

• Cycle of frustration, self‐blame, powerlessness and hopelessness. Anxiety, irritability increase.

• Increased time online and surfing (i.e. chat rooms that develop high pseudo intimacies)

Compulsive Online Behavior

Extreme Addiction Consequences

China couple whose baby died of neglect while they cared for an online baby.

Young Chinese man who bludgeoned his mother to death and then used her credit card for more hours online.

Some have died from blood clots from sitting too long using the web.

Many teens report texting while driving.


Admitted Smartphone Addict

Maria CatoeAge 19Make Up Artist1,000+ Snapchat followers43,000 Twitter followersHundreds of Instagram followers

Says even if she’s drawing and listening to music, she still could not go 10 minutes without checking her smartphone

1. CYBERPRESENCE, CYBERSINCERITY and CYBERSTRUST ranges from total honesty to fabrication and misrepresentation. Raise awareness in decision to share what & with whom in cyberspace.

3 Ways To Help Manage Online Usage

2. Encourage blocks (How do they decide what filters or privacy walls they use? Do they filter information with those they know IRL with those they don’t? Does the permanency of online sharing affect them?

3. Freeze out negative and harmful sites that make them feel worse about themselves.


Healthy Use of Mobile Devices

Constant connection or proximity with ability to ignore or take time off.

When it does not take the place of, is an avoidance or interferes with time and interactions in real life (IRL).

Successful practice and experimentation of developmental tasks IRL, not just online.

PAY ATTENTION

Some behaviors remain hidden or withheld. Building trust and attunement will lower these walls.

Excessive time online can be so normalized by young person, it doesn’t seem too much. Look for symptoms: physical, mental and emotional.



BE VIGILANT

What one does, one’s interactions there, how one feels when CYBERPRESENT:

Do they seems satisfied with both IRL and cyber‐only relationships? Does there appear to be low conflict?

Or is there high secrecy, guilt and shame?


Affect Regulation:

Down‐Regulation & Interiorizing

Better Decision Making Skills& Executive Control

Developing Healthy Boundaries

Older Adolescent

& Young Adult Goals


Down‐Regulation Goals

Physical Affect ‐Active vs. Inactive

‐ Breathing & Relaxation‐Decrease Dissociation

Psychological Affect ‐ Becoming oriented to present

‐ Expanding one’s experience to self‐Ability to observe self for improved regulation

Social Affect ‐ Real time connectedness

‐ Less self‐consciousness & more self‐awareness‐ Enjoyment & Content

Apps: “Tools Of The Trade”

Experiential & Strategic

• Ericksonian App

• Ego State / Role Playing App

• Mindfulness / Relaxation App

• CBT App

• Attunement App

‐The Apps you know and love!


• Healthy Compartmentalization: Encourage a PAUSE (Impulse Control) to follow a plan of deciding how to respond in a given moment

• Break the global emotional experience into component parts to decide (ego strength) what part to respond to or to take a “left” turn.

(Michael Yapko PhD)

Hypnotherapy Models Boundary Setting

The “observer” self begins to percolate.

Offers acceptance of the whole person.

This “new whole” self includes all the parts and ego states also operating in cyberspace.

Online, IRL, and internal states can begin to integrate.

“Parts” Work And Ego State Therapy As The Home Page


• Connect a positive resource state with a “trigger” to access that state.

• Use a visual, kinesthetic or auditory cue.

“Anchoring”

Strengthens and accesses positive ego resources

Watching self puts one in a self‐trancewhich is down‐regulating

Healthy ego strengths recalled and experienced instantly.

Stronger experiential impact when seeing stronger self, “inner wisdom”, coach, self‐mentor..

Inner Selfie Technique Benefits


Inner Selfie Technique DramatizationActor: Antoninus Hines Jr. as “Jason” (age 24)

Resiliency

“I can determine my destiny!”

• Awareness of self/others

• Setbacks are a fact of life

• Strong problems solving skills

• Internal Locus Of Control

• Strong social connections: (IRL) essential

• Good self‐care habits

• Mindfulness: Willing to sit in silence

• Able to ask for help (psychotherapy, support groups, online forums, books, etc.)


TeachingThe

Relaxation Response

Herbert Bensen, MD

Make Way for the Inner Selfie!

Mindfulness Exercises

• Finding or developing guided imagery exercises

• Ways to slow down: • Pleasant music

• Using breath

• Yoga

• Walking without headphones

• Journaling

• Thought stopping techniques

• Dance Drumming

Proactive

Choosing when and how long

Unplugging Has To Be

INTENTIONAL


Benefits Of Unplugging

1. You have a chance to have clear digital boundaries

2. You become aware of how pervasive digital living is

3. You can become more productive and more focused

4. You are more touch in IRL with people you love

• Keeps one current and accessible

• Use positive social media sites when isolation, loneliness, or need for affirmations and response intense

• NOT to take the place of or an avoidance of REAL TIME with self and others.

• Keeping a BALANCE with IRL and CBYBERPRESENCE.

When NOT to UnplugA Lot of the Time!!!


Friends, Family, Teachers, Therapists, POSITIVE Online Support Groups

PROTECTIVE RESILIENCY

Tribal(oxytocin)

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