FINDING ONESELF

"When by Grace of Guru I have Awoken, the only thing I have got -

wasMyself!"

Dedicated to My Guru

By Sergey Rubtsov

Contents

Preface.

Introduction.

Chapter 1. Atman.

Destination

Enlightenment.

Guru.

Guru’ Grace.

Oneness.

The Way.

Practices (techniques).

Part 2

Chapter 1

Experience

“God’s Voice”

The Route

Other Languages Prayer

Halt of the world’s motion

“The earth’s push”

“Samadhi”

1st fasting

2nd fasting (26 days)

Sahaja Samadhi

3rd Fasting (27 days)

Savikalpa Samadhi

Two final fastings

Double-ganger

Four-step meditation

Concentration

Tai Chi

Solidification of the Astral Body

Double touch

Chapter 2

It Happened!

Crisis before the Awakening

Realization – Enlightenment – Awakening

Notes

Sri Halilal V.L. Poonja (Papaji)

After the Realization (processes in the organism)

Ramana Maharshi

Draft

Preface.

This book is about Awakening of the sleeping man, about his Way from

the absolute Not-knowing to the absolute Knowledge.

51 year, 7 months and 29 days of ordinary living... In the evening in the

end of the January 2006 I was sitting and reading a book of Papaji and

suddenly something happened! Absolutely unexpected! Without any

efforts on my part! This something lasted for a moment, but this

moment was the last one in my life.

Introduction.

Ultimate Reality (Atman) and a person, who realised Atman.

"Diverse thinkers, mystics, and sages - not only of India but from

around the world - have given us a plethora of images or explanations of

the ultimate Reality and its relation to the manifest universe. All,

however, are in agreement that God, or the Self, transcends both

language and the mind. With few exceptions, they are also unanimous

in making three related claims, namely that the Ultimate:

1. is single - that is, an undivided Whole complete in itself, outside

which nothing else exists;

2. is of a higher degree of reality than the world of multiplicity

reflected to us through our senses; and

3. is our highest good, that is, the most desirable of all possible

values.

Additionally, many mystics claim that the ultimate Reality is utterly

blissful. This bliss is not merely the absence of pain or discomfort, nor is

it a brain-dependent state. It is beyond pain and pleasure, which are

states of the nervous system. This goes hand in hand with the

insistence of mystics that their realization of the transcendental

Identity is not an experience, as ordinarily understood. Such adepts

simply are that Reality".

"Encyclopedia of Yoga" Georg Feuerstein

Chapter 1. Atman.

There is something or the Basis of All. It never changes, but at the

same time It is Always new. It comprises Everything, not affecting

anything. Without It nothing is there, but It doesn't create or destruct.

All dualities, "getting" into It lose there sense and physical construction.

This Basis isAtman.

Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi (1879-1950) - one of the

greatest spiritual Teachers. In 1907 he became known as

Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi - Blessed Lord Ramana, the

great Sage.

Question: What is Reality?

Sri Ramana Maharshi: Reality must be always real. It is not with

forms and names. That which underlies these is the Reality. It

underlies limitations, being itself limitless. It is not bound. It underlies

unrealities, itself being real. Reality is that which is. It is as it is. It

transcends speech. It is beyond the expressions 'existence, non-

existence', etc.

The reality which is the mere consciousness that remains when

ignorance is destroyed along with knowledge of objects, alone is the Self

(Atman). In that Brahma-swarupa (real form of Brahman), which is

abundant Self-awareness, there is not the least ignorance.

There are no degrees of Reality. There are degrees of individual's

experience, but not of Reality. Whatever experiences are, the one who

experiences is always the same.

No doubt, the Self is in direct experience of everyone, but It's not like It

is imagined. It is just what It is.

The Self is ever present. Each one wants to know the Self. What kind of

help does one require to know oneself? People want to see the Self as

something new. But it is eternal and remains the same all along. They

desire to see it as a blazing light etc. How can it be so? It is not light,

not darkness. It is only as it is. It cannot be defined. The best definition

is 'I am that I am'.

Atman is Existence, but it's different from the real and the unreal. It is

Consciousness, but different from the sentient and the insentient. How

can it be defined at all? It is just Existence.

Destination

Question: "What is the highest goal of spiritual experience for man?"

Sri Ramana: "Self-realisation."

Self-realisation.

"As the Self, Atman, of the one, trying to get Self-realisation, is not

different from himself, and as there is nothing equal or higher than this

achievement, so Self-realisation is just recognition of one's true nature"

Sri Ramana Maharshi

Enlightenment.

Enlightenment - is the Grace of Guru.

Enlightenment takes a moment and lasts forever. Nobody is needed

toconfirm it.

Enlightenment is a realisation of the possibility, built into every

human being by Nature.

Enlightenment for the human organism is a transition to another

psycophysiological mode of Existence.

Some notes.

Enlightenment is absolutely different from what I was thinking

about.

Enlightenment can not be reached with personal efforts.

Enlightenment can not be reached.

Guru.

Guru is That, without Which Enlightenment is impossible!

Guru’ Grace.

Guru’s Grace - is My Enlightenment!

Oneness.

Atman, Guru, Grace of Guru... Ignorance, Awakening... Self, World -

these are one and the same!

Searching for Guru.

"Seeker, who has necessary qualities, and is longing to undertake Self-

enquiry, must search for Satguru, prostrate himself in front of Him in

humility, awe and respect and serve Him in different ways. Only

Satguru is able to destroy residual chains. He is the ocean of the

invariable Wisdom. His knowledge is all-embracing. He is crystal clear.

He has won desires. He is the greatest expert of Brahman. He rests

peacefully in Brahman, like fire which burnt his fuel. He is the infinite

reservoir ofGrace. There is no explanation of his mercy; it's his own

nature. He supports all sadhu, who are his true followers."

Shankara

The Way.

The Way - is everything that happens to the person, going towards

Enlightenment: ordinary living, searching for something different from

ordinary living, the experience of body-mind organism

transformation,meeting Guru, Awakening.

There is only one Way to Enlightenment - it's the Way to

Enlightenment.

The Way is outlined by God, but I am the one who walks it.

Practices (techniques).

"For realising bliss of Liberation personal individual efforts are the

basic factor".

Shankara

Practice is a specific technical action, which helps to launch (turn on)

function or program, built into a human being by Nature. This prepares

human organism for Awakening.

Practice doesn't lead to Awakening, because practice is a personal

action, effort. Awakening is a Grace of Guru and doesn't require any

efforts from the person.

There are two kinds or types of functions, built into a human being by

Nature.

1.Biological (animal). They are launched by themselves, turned on by

"inner" Force.

2. Human. They can only be launched in social (human) environment,

turned on by "outer" Force.

(Of course, both of them are in the same "package", human body,

organism and are "interconnected").

About practices or techniques.

All practices are inside "mind limits". No practices allow to come out

"from mind limits" and become enlightened, because mind - is all, that

surrounds us - visible and invisible - and we ourselves.

The sense of a technique is that it should be performed!

The task of the technique is to lead a person to a certain

psycophysiological state and turn it on.

The result of techniques for all people is the same, programmed. When

program (function) is turned on a person experiences different states -

hallucinations: auditory, visual; samadhi; vibrations, gustatory senses,

changes of body limits and so on.

There is direct connection between specific actions, practices and

psycophysiological states in human organism arising from these actions.

These practices as well as arising states were discovered during

thousands of years.

Part 2 Chapter 1.

Experience

“It is indeed very difficult to obtain a human body. Even

though one does, it is very difficult to become a brahmin.

Even if one becomes one, it is still more difficult to walk in

the path of vaidika dharma in which the Vedas are chanted.

Still more difficult is it to become a perfect scholar, and more

difficult again to undertake enquiry into the Self and the

non-Self. Yet more difficult than all this is to obtain wisdom

born of experience of the Self”

Shankara

“God’s Voice”

I’ve been studying at the Bible school at that moment. The studies were

rather intense: lots of topics, lots of questions. Some question was

posed, and I’ve been trying to clear it up for a rather long time. In vain.

Once I closed my eyes before going to bed.. As a rule, one can see the

black space for some time after closing the eyes. However, this time the

space was white, almost ivory (lacteous). I fall asleep, but it was a

strangedormant state: I was sleeping but simultaneously saw this inner

ivory space. Suddenly I heard a voice in this dream. I realized that I

was asleep, however, I saw that flat white colour and heard a voice. It

was a gruff male voice, speaking very loudly (that’s why I woke up

immediately). It told me something like that: ”The answer to your

question’s in such and such verse of the Bible”. “It’s God’s voice!” –I

thought immediately (I don’t remember neither the problem itself nor

that verse now. Neither it is important). I got up swiftly, ran to the

school, took the Bible, opened the verse I needed and read it. That verse

contained a comprehensive answer to my question! That fact impressed

me greatly then!

The Route

We walked the whole night. There and back again. I had a goal: to walk

45 kilometers. I can’t tell you definitely if I walked hem or not. It’s not

the case. The main thing is that I’ve been walking stubbornly: my

clothes were wet, I didn’t have a dry thread on/ I was like a drowned

rat. It was February, and it was snowing dreadfully that night. I walked

there and back again along the route two or three times, I couldn’t go

on.. creeping to the lodge, falling without unrobing and lying..without

any sinews to get up…so much less to walk. No, I can’t. But I got up and

went on. I walked 45 kilometers. Everyone walked 30. What is it for? I

tell that I don’t know myself why but it’s a must. Someday we’ll face

the route and it’ll be of vital importance to walk it…and we’ll do it!

Surely, I said it mainly for myself.

Actually, it wasn’t something like training of will or physical endurance

or of something else. I read in Gurdjieff’s books: astral body or will are

crystallized through a very simple technique: if you had walked 40

miles, don’t sit down, make 3 miles more! You’ve done your work – so

do in excess of that. The body’s not able to go raise – but you stand out

and go on! It is the perking (не знаю)of the body that trains the will!

It doesn’t matter if you want or not – we were taught to idle, so we do.

But you must stand up and go! – it’s the only way the decoupling may

occur: the body’s acting and I observe the action… It’s the state of

trance, the other mode of the organism’s being. It will be hard

but it will be accumulating anyway.

Other Languages Prayer

The core of the technique is to substitute the inner reasoned

discoursefor a senseless talking, for a jabber.

It was the last technique I practiced “before the Enlightenment”. I

practiced without a break, then everything calmed down and I did

nothing for a few days. Afterwards an intense work followed. I tried to

transfer the talking inwards, to talk on the back of my mind, without

any voice…and I succeeded! Nevertheless, I went on working, talked

through days and nights and suddenly the nada sound switched on. I’ve

never heard the nada sound before yet I knew about this phenomenon

and even read on nada yoga. Gradually the nada sound turned

into vibrations which directed right into the center, in the thought root

or nucleus. I could literally see the nucleus, saw it as some shapeless

sphere the thoughts emerged from. Vibrations headed to this sphere

and in some time (I do not remember exactly how many days

passed) the enlightenment happened.

Another thing had happened to me two and a half years before the

awakening. We lived in a tent on a stead near Moscow, I didn’t have to

work and I practiced the jabber all the time, talked,talked… even while

reading a newspaper or eating! The last five days I tried to talk at

nights (хрень получается ) either. I passed the bridge across the

river, it was entirely iron, the bridge. And me on this bridge..PLONK!

Such a flung up!.. the jabber started going on (switched on) by itself,

and I detached from the body as an observer! I’m looking at my body,

and it’s gabbling by itself - such a bliss. I’d never seen such an effect.. it

lasted for about 30 minutes and I couldn’t help it: neither stop it, nor

enhance, nor extend. Facial muscles are working by on their

own, talking, gustily, without my participation! And it’s very pleasant,

super blissout. After a while everything bounced back to the norm.

Halt of the world’s motion

The two and a half months before the awakening such a jetting had

happened to me. I thought over these moments afterwards trying to

explain why it went wrong: all these conflicts, both inner and outer,

difficulties, both psychological and physical, permanent irritation and so

on and so forth. But for about a month or more before it I had suddenly

recalled the prayer practice and I started doing it. Almost all the time

long: blah-blah-blah-blah-blah…(???) – day and night till falling asleep

The jabber switched on by itself, in the morning, just after getting up,

before the thinking process started up. And suddenly it turned out that

some days before the Event – “the world view halt”! Bang! No thoughts,

no words, there’s just an image or some living photo, it’s real and

natural but it doesn’t move! Everything stopped in tracks. No sounds.

As if the stop-button was pushed. It happened twice. I thought it to be

the world’s stop described by Castaneda, but he described it differently,

but the word itself is right. It’s like a photo. Bounce! – it’s living and

real but it doesn’t move! There’s no inner talk, everything’s mute; it’s

silence, but I’m aware of everything and I’m observing it (the

picture)…as if I were there, but I’m not stiffened. Afterwards, the

prayer switched on by itself, once I started thinking; it wasn’t the jabber

actually, just a sound, some drone, roaring inside my head and I was

able to see the inner space. It’s very difficult to describe it in words.

Then the following happened (the extract to be continued!)

“The earth’s push”

The trainings’ schedule was the following: at the beginning one should

sit for an hour without any moving and talking, sitting in seiza, folding

legs underneath the thighs. Then followed just an hour of walking

round the hall (while walking we sometimes practised some Tai

Chi elements and very intense pushes alternated with relaxation).

After that the workin pairs followed.

During one of the trainings the second crucial experience was obtained

–the earth’s push. I was walking round the hall like others (after an

hour long sitting) and all of a sudden I was just flung up! Everything

started moving. The floor was waving, I touched the wall – it’s also in

move…the world around me was alive! The solid world turned into soft

and living one! It was incredible, but it was true! And so is it till

now..After that episode I asked the guys : “ Has something alike ever

happened to you?!” But nothing like that had happened to them.

(I knew the expression “the earth’s push” from C. Castaneda’s books,

from descriptions of master Ueshiba’s awakening, from descriptions of

Zen masters’ awakening. But I couldn’t pretend that it was so real!)

“Samadhi”

“Samadhi” – is a temporary state of the human organism. It’s not

analtered state of consciousness but an altered perception of the

world as the Consciousness doesn’t alter or change – it’s beyond the

change.

Samadhi is an essential stage of physical and psychological experience

and changes of a human organism. The Awakening

is impossiblewithout them. All the Awakened obligatory experienced

Samadhi before the Awakening.

I “experienced” two types of Samadhi: Savikalpa and Sahaja Samadhi.

Savikalpa Samadhi is permanent bliss or Ānanda. Sahaja Samadhi

comprises the whole set: silence – peace – bliss (в тексте: тишина –

покой - блаженство) or Satchidānanda.

Samadhi is a temporary state, i.e.it has its beginning and its and its

end. This fact represents the principal difference between “Samadhi”

and Enlightenment, Enlightenment is permanent.

Note: “Sahaja Nirvikalpa Samadhi” may be used as a term defining

theAwakened.

1st fasting

For some reason I decided to starve for 30 days – a very long period, I

hadn’t had such an idea before. Along with fasting I’ve been working

for the first 19 days. The body weight has rapidly decreased. In two

days after finishing the practice I started another 5-day long one. I

wasn’t aware that should have rather not done it (as it’s an obstacle for

Samadhi experience).

After the hunger practice I got known what the tongue is. I pressed

any spot on my body and got an immediate response reaction on my

tongue (in a certain spot): another spot on the body – another one on the

tongue. Furthermore, I touched the paper felt its taste (!) and so on.

This effect lasts till now.

I drank nothing for the first five days, on the sixth the body started

burning. After 20 days the physical state has gravily worsened and I

couldn’t get up during next days, lying or sitting crooked, with my head

on the chest all the time. Everything was OK afterwards. (plus the

collapse-effect).

2nd fasting (26 days)

Sahaja Samadhi

Had a wish to make a 40-day practice. It was then when I became

aware of the hunger abd Samadhi mechanisms. While doing the

practice I got a thought that there were no thoughts (there are no

thoughts during the hunger practice)! On 22-24 days came a strong

desire to be alone alfresco. So I did. It was a self-sufficient state, I was

perfectly well alone. I tried to do practices but it was impossible.

Ramana: Mind – is a thinner part of the food.

It was a turning point – I couldn’t do the practice any longer! An

incredibly hard psychological stress occurred. I gave up! Went to eat...It

was a strained psychological state: I’m feeble, I gave up and so on. But

the dilemma was – Should the body live or die? I chose the life..and

gave up.. I recalled don Juan afterwards: you can lose the battle, you’ll

have lots of them in future, the main thing is not to give up! And I

realized later that I lost just a battle! (but actually it happened that

through losing a 40-day long battle with hunger I won a miracle –

Samadhi!). Blaming myself without break. One night passed…survived

the next day somehow. The body demanded food! I ate and ate, ate a lot!

The next night it started!!! I woke up for some reason, went to the sea-

shore (our “tent” was in 15-20 step long distance from it). It was night.

Silence. Now I can say that it was unnaturally still. All of a sudden I

heard a voice: “Do you want to see yourself?” (nearly so). Very

unexpectedly! The voice flowed from above. Female, clear voice. The

moon was strange, of some green hue. I saw a stone resembling a man

ablazed with light, it was hooped as if it had a fin. I understood that it

was a stone. Voice:”It’s you, d’you want to see other people?”. It was the

same stone, however, it was flat as a log. Everything was silence. There

was no fear! I answered: “I do”.

Then I went by the sea, sat down. Two voices:” We’re the welcomers”

(two male voices). The woman again: “So you wanted it, didn’t you?”. “I

did”. The body started aching. She said: “We’re preparing your body,

you want to present you to our hierarchy” My body was aching but it

was pleasant like after an intense training, when the body’s aching but

it is pleasant. They:”We’ll teach you to sit in lotus position in one day”.

My whole body started “flowing”. The talks went on for about six hours.

All of Them including those having talked to me and “the others” - are

alike, are in the state but they had a formal hierarchy too. I posed

plenty of questions. The voices were ethereal, pure.

Then I had a talk with someone, it concerned some common subjects:

weather, nature, food and on. He said to me:”Plant a forest, it’s your

task!”. I took it literally then, I even wanted to enter some relevant

school.

I had complete blissout all the time then. In the morning I came back to

the tent to sleep. During our talk by the sea there wasn’t any single

soul, not any sound – neither cars, nor dogs, nor trains! Though there

were many tents, and trains passed constantly over there producing

awful noise and drone. Came back to the tent, lied down… I got known

what it meant not to sleep: a state when the body’s sleeping and

the self is not! The following happened in the dream: some meeting, I’m

telling something to some woman, however, along with that

understanding that I’m observing both myself and the situation from

some point! Another incident the same night: as if there was a mini-

theatre by me. But I realized that these had been the real-life episodes

(from different epochs), I realized that I could enter and start living

there. Then the scenes started alternating rapidly. I understood that I

didn’t possess the speed needed for observing the alteration, that there

were millions of images, that I could somehow enter each of them and

start living inside it.

Then my wife (all that time she slept in the tent and didn’t wake up)

told me:”While sleeping I felt that you went nowhere, you’d been by me

all the time”.

In the morning my state had changed, there had been no voices

anymore but the following feelings appeared: the Himalayan silence,

inner peace, bliss, plus a bliss from each touch to something, even from

the thought about the body. I’d never felt the like in my life.

The day we headed off to the town with my wife. On the way a number

ofexperiences occurred:

1. “The enlightened watch through eyes”. (Osho)

It was as if I watched through some tube. Something black

separated me from my my eyes. Later I read in Lahiri Mahasaja’s

book about a black man inside him.

2. My body stopped sweating and feeling the heat. It was +43° C in

shadow! (there was an announcement at the market, meat-selling

was banned).

3. On the way back – Plong! – something was missing…What? The

bliss’s gone, didn’t feel it any more. Why? ‘cause I didn’t feel the

body! And I went on watching through the tube. A very unusual

state.

4. I walked with my wife, I was talking to her, thinking of something,

thinking that I was thinking along with thinking to do something

else (to test the abilities of this state): so I started counting the

steps and didn’t mat even once! At the same time I was observing

all this processes. The thoughts were connected to a special action

through a sort of web, it was invisible, rather I could feel it. And

I observed it. I was like a machine operator who is controlling and

observing everything, such a small operator sitting inside my head

like in transformer cartoons!

Juan told Castaneda that this world is very fluid, that it’s

changing rapidly, he said: “ You don’t possess the speed needed to

catch this world changing at a high pace…” While in Sahaja

Samadhi the speed of data handling is rocketing,

in million times!

When I quitted this state, encountered with one of Buddha’s

sayings. He said that in a one-blink time billion thoughts pass by,

and I was observing all of them. Such a high information handling

speed. But all this happened within this world – it was not

theenlightenment, not an exit beyond (the mind).

5. The world became very bright and colorful like in my childhood.

Advaita or the world’s non-duality. It’s a physical state of a man in

Samadhi. It’s a clear sense of the world’s non-duality or physical

oneness of everything. It’s difficult to describe it. I didn’t know

neither the word “advaita” neither its sense then.

6. There were no emotions. Absolute absence of any fear. But I

switched on a certain emotion and switched it off at my own wish.

The emotions didn’t fade away gradually (as it happens in a usual

state), all occurred at once.

7. Why did I consider my knowledge to be absolute then? ‘cause I

had no doubts in this state! But then, when it ended, the doubts

emerged again.

8. Neither past nor future existed for me. Everything was now! A

very handsome feeling.

9. There was absolutely clear (exact) awareness, that I’m not the

body, I’m a Spirit

10. Identity with the world. If I enter the fire, I’ll become it, it

won’t destroy me. Didn’t manage to test it.

11. Intention. What’s it? In Samadhi it’s only now. I’m thinking

and it comes true or happens. Action=thought. Neither managed

to examine it completely.

12. This state absorbs completely. There was no interest to outer

world.

In the evening the environment took its toll, and if could now that

beforehand I would have leave the society in this state, I would have

stay in it, dwell for longer time. Bums started drinking, holiday-makers

came..And all of a sudden this state ended! There was a feeling that

after residing in a colorful bright world I was set down in a dirty

puddle! Everything around me became grey and somber..My wife told

me that time: “You became very angry”. That state ended, not all at

once, it “leaked away” gradually. My eyes didn’t change (according to

Osho, the enlightened’s eyes change).

In the morning we decided to leave that place, so we did it. I ended the

fasting on the 9th of August, it started in a day and a half after that and

lasted for a day.

For about in a year I got to know what had happened to me, read it in

books of different authors. I discovered that “my” silence-peace-bliss

wasSatchidānanda, in other words, existence – consciousness – bliss.

The only regret was that I couldn’t stay in such a state. I realize now

that one shouldn’t dwell in it as it’s not the ultimate destination.

However, one has no ability to predetermine somehow any states – they

are not dependent neither from one’s will, nor from one’s wish. The

analysis of the experience had lasted some years. I described the state

itself as Sahaji Samadhi without any difficulties: it contained all

“components”: sat – chit – ānanda. Though ānanda fades away in a

time. Voices and dialogues considered as pre-Samadhi.

(Savikalpa Samadhi doesn’t contain neither sat, nor chit, there’s

onlyānanda, and one should strain for bliss to stay, one has to recall

it).

My own experience has shown that transformations having happened in

the human organism through Samadhi, stay forever).

The next 6 years I considered this experience, Sahaji Samadhi to be the

greatest and built upon it all my talks and appetence. I thought that

sahaji-nirvikalpa-samadhi of absolute awakening is

the same thing justlasting forever. Even after having experienced both

trance and Savikalpa Samadhi afterwards I kept thinking so. I even

couldn’t pretend howsadly mistaken I was!

3rd Fasting (27 days)

Savikalpa Samadhi

A year later we went South again. I wanted to repeat the experience.

And I succeeded!

…we were on the rove, had no place to live…We headed off to the

countryside, came back, it became cold. Went to our friend’s place. Lives

there for 4 months…lot of people there, including me and my wife…,

I’ve been thinking over what had happened to me? I found in books,

something in Osho’s but mostly in Ramana’s. Roughly speaking, I tried

to identify it and realized that it was Sahaja Samadhi. I wrote about

this experience, we printed it.

The winter was over. We passed through it through it by a finger’s

breadth. We had nowhere to live, and in April, in its very end (I don’t

remember exactly how I earned money) we went South – to have the

experience repeated. And it did! It wasn’t Sahaja, but another sort of

Samadhi – Savikalpa. We were taken in a too severe environment. It

was raining heavily in May, every day: it was raining, raining without

break. We lived at the seashore. We had no tent, just overwrap and

sleeping-bags. We lied in puddles for two, three days and nights. The

most hateful was to purl from one side to another: everything’s

slopping, it’s hard to get warm…far and by, on the 23th of May we

broke down and stopped fasting. I’ve fasted for 27 days. We decided to

depart, bought tickets but we had to wait the train for some days. We

spent the daytime by the sea, we had a place there, dry and sunny. We

had rest there and at nights we were by the railway station. The last

night we spent in the station, slept on the benches. There hall was

overcrowded, the processes started but none of the outsiders could see

it!

It was cold and muggy at nights, we slept in two sleeping-bags on

benches in the alley. The first two nights after the fasting I didn’t sleep

at all. The second night (it’s evidently easier at nights) I felt that

through the channels (the two channels located along the spine) a kind

of liquid started its motion vz-z-z-z-z-z …right into the mouth, it was

sweetish like honeydew and I realized that it has begun! I’ve been

waiting for this moment, I knew that it would come! And it started…17

days without break: both in the train and on arrival…When in train, I

had a standing wish to shift away from everyone: once I down sat on the

bottom shelf – that’s it, absolute ānanda, absolute! There was no me,

there’s just bliss. The wife: “Come on. Eat something”. I say: “ I’m full

well without it, complete blissout”.

I’ve been waiting, I knew that this state will come, I didn’t know the

time exactly but I knew it’ll come. May be not in the way I imagined but

something would definitely happen! That state was of another sort and

lasted much longer than I presumed.

On arrival we had stayed at our friends’ cottage for three days, I started

fasting again. My wife “ran away” a day later (the cottage strained the

nerves, it was inclement, damp and somber), I stayed two days longer.

Afterwards she came and took me with her, by that moment I stopped

fasting. I’ve seen such things during those 2 days! I wrote everything

down in a notebook and retold to everyone. For example, my head

became as huge as a ball, holed, some bright light beamed through

them as at the disco. Then I’ve seen myself from inside, “travelled”

there. Everything was fading away, I started seeing things. I don’t

remember exactly, lots of things. Lots of glitches of a peculiar sort and I

was aware of that, I made no efforts, it just went on and on by itself.. I

don’t remember everything, my notebook was half-full of notes. By that

time I had Ramana’s book with me and a book “Miracle of Love” about

Neem Karoli Baba, Maharaji.

I perceived it as…as nothing. A Miracle? Well, it was astonishing, wow,

cool, seeing things, but I was aware that these were glitches…just even

not realized, it was somewhere beyond understanding: it just happened

and that’s all. I’ve traveled inside my body…wo-o-o-ow, challenging! I’ve

seen jaws, head and all the other things from inside. Like on a X-ray

picture, but it wasn’t still. I just lied down on the second floor, and wo-o-

o-o-o all that stuff began, spreading of me, of space, it was impossible to

hold it down! It was more intense at nights and languished at daytime

because of the sun, visual images, the eyes were opened. There was no

fear, I didn’t feel the outside world as if it didn’t exist at all. Silence all

the time. Nothing disturbed me. I was aware if everything. But then I

became tired of it, I was hungry, had nothing to eat – not a jot. There

was strawberry on the stead and I started chewing it, it wasn’t ripe yet.

Two final fastings

We went at the seaside two times more, fasted, but I didn’t have such

impressing experiences any more. I fasted for 18 days, had no might for

longer period. I was just tired…

In a year we had a 21-day long fasting. I was very strained at the end,

at least the body was sprawling, aching, as if some hedgehogs

werescrambling from inside of me, outside through the skin. Such a

stuff.

We learned to live almost without means of support, tapped out, we

gathered cabbage leaves, boiled them and ate. We bought a pound of

flour, cooked dumplings, boiled and ate them. Then cherries and apples

ripened..so we picked them and ate.

After the fasting the organism needs the food badly, the body wants to

eat! But the heat has come and we had to leave. St Petersburg, Moscow,

the seaside again. We wanted to stay by the sea in winter, it was a little

warmer there. But then we acquainted with some guys from St

Petersburg. They invited us to stay at their place. Such a “lead up” for

the Awakening I had, but I even didn’t think of it then. But the

preparation is needed because the Awakening is an enormous stress for

the human organism, Very heavy! It lasts for ears, that’s why

the seeker should bestrong which includes physical strength too! All

together I had five long fastings and lots of short ones, from 3 to 7 days.

Double-ganger

While in Savikalpa Samadhi (it lasted for 17 days) I had lots of glitches

of many sorts. One of those nights (I lived in my friends’ half-

constructed cottage then) something went out of me, of my body..a

Double-ganger, a fetcher. It comes out of me and went up. It seemed

that it stands on my head. Its head looks back (double-ganger’s head

is beneath – its body on high, it’s watching backwards against my

sight). And I can feel and see it. It got out of me, I tried to stuff it back,

without any success! It ascends and stands on my head…it was so

sapid! It has no weight. I visited my friend later and asked him about

double-gangers, he showedit to me in a book – a picture of it. It was

alike.

This world is enweaved with energies: atoms, molecules, electrons, force

structures. Yet, people possess consciousness, a supra-structural thing,

they can affect the energy: atoms, molecules, electrons – everything:

they can change the world at their own discretion, build it. It’s not just

changing for oneself, they see it this way and other people in touch

with them can see events happening to them too!

Four-step meditation

4 stages:

1. The logical apparatus calms down. The inner talk or thought

process stops (for a man)

2. Visual stage: the jabber may either stop or go on, however, the

images surely emerge – colored pictured. One can see them

tangibly, even when the eyes are opened.

3. Emotional stage: one can weep, jump, laugh – anything. The

pictures may either leave or stay

4. Uncontrolled stage: black collapse. It may come about or not. I

got to know later that the black collapse is a penetration into the

space of mind. It is of black color with a graphite hint, a color of a

pencil. There’s no thought process during this stage and evidently

that’s why the body restores rapidly.

The black collapse switches off all the logical apparatus (thought

process, all one thinks with) completely, at this moment the body

recovers, gets rid of sores of any sort and obtains superpowers…

This technique gives an ability to get out of (or in) the mind’s

space, plunge into oneself, stay there and see or watch from there.

How long does it last? Just seconds. During it there’s no human

consciousness but there’s an observer. It never disappears as

it’s beyond the mind.

If one learned to pass through first three stages even without striking

into the black collapse, one can do phenomenal things, herewith one’s

body does is not wrecked.

Concentration

Everything’s changing each moment of time: the world one observed the

previous moment doesn’t exist any longer! It means that things I’m

concentrated on don’t exist the next moment! That’s why I think

there’snothing to concentrate on.

What’s happening? May be, it’s me who is building my body, the world

around me? But what is this world that is apart from me? And who am

I, separated from the world? After the awakening there exists neither

the world nor the world existing apart from me.

Tai Chi

Tai Chi master once said : “Dissolve as fume”.

Tai Chi is Yin’s and Yang’s mother. It’s not neither Yin nor Yang, it’s

Yin’s and Yang’s mother. As soon as a wish or an intention comes into

being – neither action nor thought yet – Tai Chi dies, Yin and Yang are

born.

Solidification of the Astral Body

When one feels a pillow or embedment on the body, on arms; at first it’s

not clear yet later it becomes real. And when one pushes me, one doesn’t

touch me – one just tries to beat down that pillow, however it’s not

possible: it’s like a crystal, like iron, like steel. ..I feel it for real, it’s

droning. That’s the sense of Tui Shou. However one should go on

further – to dissolve the pillow, to band body and mind. After this one

can see the space of mind opened (it’s huge, almost endless but still has

its borders). And when one is pushed in such a state, it is aught that is

pushed; it’s not subject to any physical pressure or destruction. One can

have such an experience.

I had it the following way: I pushed my wife slightly, and my arms

disappeared. She told me: “You became a concrete wall: it’s impossible

neither to beat down nor to heave away”. And I felt that I had thin pins

instead of arms, and the arms themselves were as if frozen with

novocaine.

It’s the matter of pressure receptors, we have them half dead, and

exercises revive them. All in all, Tai Chi Chuan originated from people

who worked with silk threads, those weaving silk. In some Tai Chi

manuals one can read how to untwine threads, arms are depicted.

Untwining of the silkworms: to the right – then to the left. These are

exercises or motions to practice, but that’s trifle. That matter is not how

to turn the palm of the hand, because physics doesn’t matter at all! I

managed to learn the reason, got to know what those who understood

felt. I had it this way: I’ve been working with the thread, and became

some kind of rope. Just a simple sewing- thread. “Strike me pink! What

an effect of tumefaction!”– I thought. Afterwards I watched a tv-

program about silk-weaver workers. A girl (she worked on untwining

silkworm’s threads) explained: pods are put into very hot water to have

them soaked; afterwards she takes one thread and attaches it to

another one which is on the loom. That is actually all her work. She

showed her hands: “Look at my hands, they are red, swollen”! This girl

felt the thread to be as huge as a rope, that is, she can feel

anyone, anything in this way because her pressure receptors have been

revived. When I told hereinabove about being flung up and when

Ueshiba told about being shaken – that’s all about how the pressure

receptors switched on. The result is simple: we’ve been sitting for an

hour in seiza, legs fold underneath the thighs and then got up. Got up

and fell sometimes as the legs became numb. But when numbness

ended, receptors resuscitated. I was walking barefoot round the hall

and had such a flung up! And from then onwards I feel the that floor’s

moving, everything’s moving, that is, the world became alive. One

should have such an experience.

Double touch

The problem is that one cannot keep one’s attention on one “spot” or on

one action longer than a moment.

I had it this way: I just wanted to switch the light on and stretched my

arm towards the switch and felt clearly: the thought moved from my

head to my arm, my arm raised, my fingers glued to the switch! My

attention was in the spot of contact – fingers-switch – and it shifted

nowhere! It was an unusual state! Since then my attention’s always in

the spot of contact, body-object, as long as I wish. But it’s much more

complicated. It’s me who is lining up both the contact and my feelings

as long as I wish… (The technique is described elsewhere).

Chapter 2

It Happened!

In the end of January, 2006 I’ve been sitting in the armchair and

reading Papaji’s book. My daughter has been playing, my wife has been

on the floor and doing something. I remember my wife taking my

daughter who was creeping in the floor and pooling her towards herself

(I noticed it through periphery?? vision, It seemed strange to me

because she looked trying to protect her from something although there

was no visible threat). At that moment I was reading how Papaji

explained something to a man who has been seeking for many years,

visited many ashrams but without any result.

And suddenly something happened! All at once, unexpectedly.

Before that moment everything became silent, as if became still?? But I

paid no attention to it, it didn’t play any role to me. I don’t remember

the moment itself, just its consequences when I saw both inside and

outside myself a soundless “nuclear explosion”. It looked like a

nuclear mushroom as in a documentary on nuclear tests. The space has

been waving. I really felt and saw it(both inside and outside myself) and

I was … split! into body-mind and I. All at once I

got understanding-knowledge (just so, one word!): it doesn’t matter

what the body’s doing I knew WHO I AM. It doesn’t matter what the

mind’s thinking of, I knowWHO I AM! I understood everything, I

understood all at once, I understood what happened, what took

place!.. I understood in just within a split second (the understanding

was beyond words, logic and everything but I knew that this was

the Enlightenment). I’ve been laughing and screaming : “What a fool

I’ve been! Why couldn’t I understand that before, the Enlightenment,

it’s so easy! It’s so easy! So easy…” Afterwards I’ve been laughing

without break. One’s laughing and or crying when understanding how

easy the Enlightenment is, how stupid one has been!

I marked the place in Papaji’s book I’ve been reading at the moment it

happened with a pencil.

Before that I was sure that one is able to describe whatever one wants.

But after that “event” I know definitely: it’s impossible to describe it!

Everything I am writing about here is very approximate, moreover, I

can’t recall the moment of Enlightenment itself at all, it “slipped

away” from me . And emotions?!! Miracle, joy,liberation, it happened!”

I can’t express it through thousands of exclamation marks what I felt

then…

The Enlightenment – it’s very easy! The masters say: Guru, Guru,

Guru’s grace! Yes! Yes! Guru, only Guru! I didn’t make any effort. It

happened BY ITSELF! Everything happened totally unexpectedly

for me! However, I couldn’t have done anything…

Crisis before the Awakening

My crisis started at the end of 2005, it began nearly in November.

Some meetings, video from Papaji’s satsang . One asked me: “Is Papaji

awakened or not?” My answer was:”I just know what Samadhi is. I

don’t know if he is the Enlightened. Why should it plat any role for you?

One should work hard!” I did the other languages practice all the time

long (without break), day and night, when I wasn’t asleep. I got up, the

thoughts haven’t started flowing yet and something in my head

started:”blah-blah-blah…” (This moment, “the crisis before the

Awakening” or “non-path” as I called it, is very important and I

will describe later in detail).

Realization – Enlightenment – Awakening

I, the seeker, have always been completely unaware of what I’ve been

seeking. The Enlightenment? Yes! But what was it? The aim has been

marked mediatedly for me, either through those who achieved it or

those seeking themselves, citing the words of the others while talking

about the Enlightenment. But there is no half-knowledge: either I am

Atman and I’m aware of that or total Ignorance.

Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi (1879-1950), one of the greatest

spiritual Masters – was born on December, 30, 1879, in a

settlement Tiruchuli in the South-Indian state Tamil Nadu.

When he was 16, he had a death experience which led him to

awareness that he is not the body but a deathless Spirit. This

changed him completely. He left his home for the sacred mount

of Arunachala considered to be the avatar of the Absolute

where he stayed till his death on April. 14, 1950. It is God

Arunachala, the avatar of the Absolute became the inner

Master, the inner Guru of the Tamil boy Venkataramana, who in

1907 became known as Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi – the

blessed God Ramana, the great Sage.

“It is false to speak of realisation. What is there to realise? The real is

as it is always. We are not creating anything new or achieving

something which we did not have before. The illustration given in books

is this. We dig a well and create a huge pit. The space in the pit or well

has not been created by us. We have just removed the earth which was

filling the space there. The space was there then and is also there now.

Similarly we have simply to throw out all the age-long samskaras

(innate tendencies) which are inside us. When all of them have been

given up, the Self will shine alone".

Question: When a man realises the Self, what will he see?

Bhagavan: There is no seeing, seeing is only being. The state of Self-

realisation, as we call it, is not attaining something new or reaching

some goal which is far away, but simply being that which you always

are and which you always have been. All that is needed is that you give

up your realisation of the not-true as true. All of us are realising, i.e.,

regarding as real that which is not real. We have only to give up this

practice on our part. Then we shall realise the Self as the Self. In other

words, 'Be the Self'. At one stage one would laugh at oneself that one

tried to discover the Self which is so self-evident.

Notes

The Enlightenment turned out to be not the thing I imagined. After the

Awakening I’ve been thinking about its value. I asked what I obtained

(one always wants to get something). The answer was “Nothing!” But

it’sNO-THING in capital letters! The Awakening is some other

thing… it’s beyond all values, human, social. It doesn’t have any

relation to the world known to us! Actually it doesn’t have any relation

to anything…

Samadhi and trance states can be “achieved “ through doing practices.

For the Awakening Guru is essential.

Atman is always present (all the time without changing and one can

experience it without any effort but Atman does not depend on my

experience or feelings.

When the Awakening occurs, comes an end to inner and outer, the

huskis destroyed, there is no “in” or ”out” any more.

The Enlightened is an almsman who possesses everything as no

worldly benefits, no material values taken together can’t substitute

even a millionth the Enlightened possesses. It’s beyond understanding,

beyond mind.

There is no separate body or mind, society, people or world for me. But

it is impossible to describe it in words. Ramana says that the

Enlightened or a sage sees nothing but Atman in everything. I read his

sayings for many times before the awakening and couldn’t understand

them. Now everything’s clear and plain to me. And it’s so easy!

The enlightenment is a final action. After it the small existence-

consciousness of a common man with its psychic reactions, psychological

estimation of the world and self-concepts are broken forever and it’s so

cool!

The state beyond the body-mind, that is the True Knowledge is

available for any man because it is always here. It’s “I”, “we” come

and go away – the Knowledge is always present.

After the Awakening all that is rest from the social personality is but a

husk, i.e. I am a law-obedient man. But everything is of equal value

for my present Knowledge.

Two more things: the Knowledge of the Self, Atman, and the life of the

body. The former is unchangeable: I always see the same. The latter

are constant physiological changes in the organism. But both this and

that are the same. This unsolvable paradox fades away after the

realization. The Enlightenment is very easy because I became an

impartial observer in this event-action.

Realization is possible only through Guru’s grace. Ramana says

that his Grace is always flowing. Papaji adds that the Enlightenment

is possible in Guru’s presence and it’s definite.

There are misconceptions on the thought process, mind, the inner talk.

For example, Osho, zen, yoga tell us:”Dissolve, kill or calm down the

mind, stop the thoughts – or even better – go beyond the Mind!” If one

could do this then everyone who wanted it would have become

The Enlightened! But one cannot do it himself. The mind is

everything that exists, so am I as a thinking man! World is Mind.

World is Thought. I am thought! I c-a-n-n-o-t go beyond myself

by my own wish.

When the Awakening happened I realized at once that one shouldn’t

fight with mind! The Enlightenment is beyond everything, beyond

themind too! That is, all at once I found myself beyond the world that I

knew a second ago as the unity of me and it. Then this unity – identity

of me and my body and, therefore, of me and the world created by the

mind didn’t exist anymore.

Sri Halilal V.L. Poonja (Papaji)

Papaji was born on October,13, 1910 (in September 1990 he left his

body) in Penjab in a family of one of the respected Indian saint’s (Swami

Para Titra) sister. At the age of he got his first experience. After his

meeting with the Teacher, Sri Ramana Maharshi, when Poonja was 34,

he realized hid True Self.

- Papaji, what the Enlightenment is?

- When you’re back to your True Self, that is called for Awakening,

liberation, freedom. If you know your own True Self, you know

everything. During this Awakening you discover that the whole

universe is inside you. All the universes are within you and you

are the universe yourself. It’s a final understanding. If you know

that you know everything. If you don’t know that, you know

nothing despite all the information you stored.

You’re ignorant without that knowledge. Possessing the

knowledge of absolute, you’re everything: without beginning,

middle, end, without birth and death. All the fears end here.

- What is the Enlightenment?

- I don’t make use of this word.

- Realization?

- Nothing. You don’t become somebody. Even the Enlightenment

means to become somebody. Just be who you are. Don’t stick

labels on yourselves. Don’t assign yourselves to some species.

Species are needed for classifying animals. What specie can the

True Self having no name, no shape be referred to?

What is origin of the word “the Enlightenment”? It’s also a word,

isn’t it? But before it became a word, what had been the source of

its origin?

- The True Self?

- The True Self is who you are. You are that. Unconcievable thing

where all the experiences and concepts emerge. The True Self is

a moment that doesn’t come and go away.

It’s Heart, Atman, Emptyness.

It’s shining for Itself, by itself and in Itself.

Freedom, liberation, and the Enlightenment.

It’s its own superior Self

It’s the existence, it’s not even “I am Being”

It’s just being.

Question: What the Enlightenment is?

The Enlightenment is the basis of all states. Self-realization is a

firm conviction: That is Here, It’s always here.

Your apprentices say about you as of the a self-realized man Are

you one?

I don’t say it about myself, neither have I a table with a note

saying : “Here the Enlightened is”. I see no difference between you

and me. I never say that I’m a realized being.

After the Realization (processes in the organism)

I’ve always been interested in the process happening to an Enlightened

man. I wanted to know what happened to Osho, Ramana, Buddha,

Ananda Maya Ma and others (I couldn’t perceive who is enlightened

and who is not).

One’s Enlightenment is happiness, joy, rescue, tears, laughter. Radical

and irreversible changes occur to a man. Both man and environment

are aware of it. The Enlightenment’s not limited, it’s beyond time, space

and mind!

Radical organism’s reconstruction occurs. I didn’t understand what’s

going on at all. I had no memory, especially during first 3 months; the

body dissolved, broke down, aching…I could do nothing, the body was

burning. I drank green tea with milk statedly, sometimes ate apples. I

fell off 11 kg! There was a permanent wish to go away, to cloister.

What the Enlightenment is and who is the Enlightened? Are

there any differences of ones from others? How to achieve the

Enlightenment?

Ramana Maharshi

“It was about six weeks before I left Madura for good

that the great change in my life took place. It was quite

sudden. I was sitting alone in a room on the first floor of

my uncle’s house. I seldom had any sickness, and on that

day there was nothing wrong with my health, but a sudden

violent fear of death overtook me. There was nothing in

my state of health to account for it, and I did not try to

account for it or to find out whether there was any reason

for the fear. I just felt ‘I am going to die’ and began thinking

what to do about it. It did not occur to me to consult a

doctor or my elders or friends; I felt that I had to solve the

problem myself, there and then.

“The shock of the fear of death drove my mind

inwards and I said to myself mentally, without actually

framing the words: ‘Now death has come; what does it

mean? What is it that is dying? This body dies.’ And I at

once dramatised the occurrence of death. I lay with my

limbs stretched out stiff as though rigor mortis had set in

and imitated a corpse so as to give greater reality to the

enquiry. I held my breath and kept my lips tightly closed

so that no sound could escape, so that neither the word

‘I’ nor any other word could be uttered. ‘Well then,’ I

said to myself, ‘this body is dead. It will be carried stiff to

the burning ground and there burnt and reduced to ashes.

But with the death of this body am I dead? Is the body

‘I’? It is silent and inert but I feel the full force of my

personality and even the voice of the ‘I’ within me, apart

from it. So I am Spirit transcending the body. The body

dies but the Spirit that transcends it cannot be touched

by death. That means I am the deathless Spirit.’ All this

was not dull thought; it flashed through me vividly as

living truth which I perceived directly, almost without

thought-process. ‘I’ was something very real, the only real

thing about my present state, and all the conscious activity

connected with my body was centred on that ‘I’.

From that moment onwards the ‘I’ or Self focused attention on

itself by a powerful fascination. Fear of death had vanished

once and for all. Absorption in the Self continued

unbroken from that time on. Other thoughts might come

and go like the various notes of music, but the ‘I’

continued like the fundamental sruti note that underlies

and blends with all the other notes.1 Whether the body

was engaged in talking, reading or anything else, I was

still centred on ‘I’. Previous to that crisis I had no clear

perception of my Self and was not consciously attracted

to it. I felt no perceptible or direct interest in it, much

less any inclination to dwell permanently in it.”

The Enlightenment is a radical change in one’s life. Buddha said

after the Awakening:”Former me died, now I’m the yonder”

Draft

The event that happened and its consequences have produced a

significant effect on people around me, especially on my daughter.

Shecaught the greatest hell… Everyone fussed around me like

cockroaches. I tried to leave the house not to get them goat and not to

irritate them. One part of my friends, the seekers stopped visiting me,

the others ditched the relationship. After some time my linear memory

started dissolving. I couldn’t recall the greatest part of my life, much as

I tried… without any result. The husk has dissolved, so has the body: I

lied like water in water. Psychophysics started changing: both inside me

and outside. My eyes started dissolving…I commenced to watch

from somewhere thence, through myself. Osho said:”The Enlightened

doesn’t watch by eyes, he watches through the eyes”. I am watching not

just through my eyes but through the body. Everything became

transparent. The permanent bliss but not that of “Savikalpa Samadhi”,

which is lingeri-i-ing, of another sort: as if everything has been a

bliss (this state changed after a while, in some months there wasn’t a

bliss as just a physical reaction).

The surrounding world started pressing, there was no place to hide in.

The social environment became very tough: previously I didn’t notice

some things, now I see them clearly – the partition wall between the

“world” and “me” is broken. The visible world became very bright, vivid,

colorful, very noisy, loud…

Afterwards I saw a colored 3d picture: Papaji, Ramana, after Ramana –

Arunachala (the picture was as if made of water but it was colorful). I

understood Who was the Guru whose Mercy has been manifested –

Ramana. But first, I saw that my Guru was Papaji as I’ve been

readinghis book at that moment.

After a while, a notable event happened my” inner eyes ” dissolved!

When it happened, I started watching from here (Sergey raised his

hands at the level a little higher than his years). It’s very difficult to

describe it.Something dissolved inside of me. When it happened, the

skin around my eyes became black as if I had bruises under my eyes. It

can be said that there was no eye muscle tension. That is: before it, my

eyes could get tired. I felt the muscles – I don’t have such a feeling

now, my eyes are always opened. Afterwards, something melted

inside my body, there’semptiness now.

The is no life after the “happening” for me. There’s just that moment

and I am living in it. There is no time, space in Atman, neither back

nor forward. I’m always present in that moment. That is. Nothing

changed, two years passed but everything’s the same…

I couldn’t understand how the Enlightened lives, why he is eating,

drinking…I read that Ramana nixed his coffee when he saw that a man

didn’t get one. Coffee…what for? He’s the Enlightened! I don’t

understand! Or this: “ Thoughts come and go away”, Ramana says. I

didn’t understand!”What things”, I thought.”In Samadhi I felt absolute

silence, no thoughts, peace, there were no thoughts. Silence-peace or

Sat-Cit”. This all was my stupidity.

Do any changes in understanding of body-mind occur?

They do. But there is

no separate body, separate understanding, separatechanges, separate m

e. The function and the functionary are the same, without any

disjunction.

I call Atman for the lucid presence but it’s absolutely by

convention. Everything’s transparent in this lucid presence, and my

body is not an exception.

There are some pieces on this subject: Osho’s, to my mind. When

Alexander the Great was in India, he proposed some Sannyasin, carrier

of esoteric Knowledge, to follow him to Greece, but sannyasin refused.

“If you don’t follow me to Greece I’ll behead you”, Alexander told. “Cut it

off and we’ll watch it rolling together”, the sannyasin replied.

Something like that.

Book 2. Guru’s Games. Martial arts. Zen-Buddhism. Bhakta or the way

of devotion.

Book 3. The most esoteric novel – M. Bulgakov’s “The Master and

Margarita”

Book 4. S. Rubtsov’s School of esoteric Knowledge.