B o x 2 2 1 1 3 NOFTEN IN E'RROR - NEVER IN DO\JBT, CA 9 4L22

February, 1991 tdy Bloody valentine!

TaIk about missing in action! Where is Elsa Klensch? After the f irst

smartbombs hit Bagh-dad, cNNrs top rated fashion reporter disappeared from her

Saturday morning -"fot.

Wnyf Is fashion too tr ivfal to pursue it _q t irne of

bloodsh6d, eco-ierror and rising CNN ad rates? or has Ted Turner discovered

an untapped new audience m-it l ions of conned sumers ravenous for Wolf

Bl i tzer and Patr i -o t -miss i les?- Welcorne to llfar in the GuIf@ - the first internationalbloodshed htittt a togo the f irst war to makesuperstars out of the weapons and the first to featureWolfa Wrestl ing-styIe bacli-to-back video appearangeF. 9f

the f i rst int6rnat ional k i l l ing l ikened to a majorsporting event and the first to have its daily costcalculated toteboard style. so if Formula one racingisntt dangerous enough - if cinema verite TV cop showslack realism, then tune in for the first Pentagonapproved Wariventil. And as your host and master ofci-rernonies, Ted (ttWorld Gamesrr) Turner, is pitt ing two

' I of his biggest cl ients, George rrBurningrr Bush and

saddam rMadmann Hussein in a bloo-dy high-tech low-tech grudge natch. Using

soundbite mentality and portable satell i te communications, cNN has become theauthorized wortdwide disinforrnation party Iine decimating the rivalbroadcast networks and precipitating a SIOZ percent juqp in -prime timei-vertising rates. And 6y seiving ai the promoter for this cabre cabal ofpor i t ical ind media consf i rators, Turner wi f r reap the spoi ls - including

ixclusive secondary rightJ ticensing and endorsement agreements. The same manwho defanged erneri-can tifn will now have an opportu-nity to edit, and licensethe official authorized history of the lraqi

-Cataclysm the multi-volume

video chronicle the derivative docudramas and, after a respectableamount of t ime, the video game cartr idge.In doing so, C|VH nas entre-nched the dirker powers of the cable programming

consort iurn (see ish 33: ttcome Back Litt le Fonda! Tufner r,ures i tane DQnn t lreyellow i lournalism Road.tt; ryondary broadcast enterprises is

� n g e n t e r t j i n n e n t a n d c o n v e n t i o n a 1 p o p i s m a n d i n d o i n gso indulging an over-the-tbp fascination with f lag-draped weaponry and death.

As our neea for homefront security t ightens, the need for two-way cablepi"gi"* viewinq wil l become paramount and with the f l ip of a switch in

atf inta, w€ rn& f ind ourselves staring down the wrong end a cable Tv

surveil lance ndtwork. Thatts r ight conned-sumers therers more to thisplanetary tragedy than death and deterioration there is the prospect of

irnleashiirg tne p6stwar Global vi l lage antichrist. I trs no accident that as

CNN purnps out irnages of distant death, Tedrs rrentertainmentrr channel, TBS,

offeis Spencer tfacy and Van Johnson in a colorized version of nThitty

Seconds Over Tokyott j a subtle but grim reminder to those who foolishly dreamof a transcendent age of infotainment. @ 1-991- A&R

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I,ast Algust, Matt was handpicked,along with . other cerebral teens tocompete against adults in a generationeap TV ba"tde of the brains.-Matt and[ii teammates, Paul and Meranee,relying on m€ga-memory ^capacity andvrdeogame sharpened retlexes, easrlyoutfoled, outgrinned and outwitteilfour teams of eiown-ups. l-P.S. to hostJonathon ("Tli?ob") Prince - Matt doesnor collect bumper stickers.]Best of all - while the winning adultteams got toaster ovens and ski bags,the ki& got cash. So .-_Matt could finallvbry that VGAcomputer board and f \monltor and play a. 45Chamber of

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Cymutanu Priesress* i o .,!' I,in full colorresolution. Congrats-rr;:"#i,?"n.'i,lf'f,i: IllQuiz Iid buddies!

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She's Nicer at WorkI)ear A&R: My husband told me that I wasnicer to people at work than I am at home. Ithink he's tight. I'm very friendly at work.But when I'm at home I yell at my husband orthe kids. I look better and dress better at workthan at home. And I feel better. I'm neverdepressed at work and I never really worry. Ijust work. Lately, I've been getting even moredepressed at home. What's wrong with me?Scotti Magellan, Roll, DA.

Dear Scotti: There's nothing wrong with you.ldany people are friendlier, more jovial, andgenerally more enjoyable to be around whenthey're in the office. To balance your situationyou may wish to turn your home into abusiness or perhaps hire your family asindependent contractors. By viewing yourfamily in an employment or businessenvironment, you'll be able to share yourupbeat attitude round the clock.

He Feels Strange TouchDear A&R: Vy'henever I bump into a stranger,I feel their touch a long time. I just brushagainst someone on the bus but I feel it for solong afterwards. I went to a doctor but she saidI needed to have counseling. I don't think Ineed counseling. What's wrong with me?Farrell Salinger, Boomer, NC.

Dear Farrell: There's nothing wrong withyou. Ivlany people can feel a strange petson'stouch for a long time. Why do you think they'recalled strangen? Because their touch isstrange. If it should begin to bother you orotherwise handicap yout day-to-day existence,just pretend that strangers al€ really yourfriends. If the situation becomes chronic,consider wearing football padding or kevlarunderwear Good luck.

He Thinks About GatsDear A&R: I wonder about black catscrossing my path. If I make it past a black catand then it crosses my path behind me doesthat count as bad luck? If I can't see ahead ofme and a cat crosses my path but I don't see itdo the crossing, does that count as bad luck?How soon does it have to cross my path?Sometimes I think the whole world is just aweb of paths across which black cats havecrossed. If I did something bad to a black catto stop it from crcssing my path, would that bebad luclq too? What's wrong with me?George Labella, Pincus GA.

Dear George: Therc's nothing wrong withyou. lvlany people arc obsessed with theintricacies of superstitions. Remember, it'sbetter to be prudent now than to be prunedlater. Keep up the power and watch where youstep.

She's Inspired By TragedyDear A&R: I am an artist and I feel teniblebecause Im inspired the most by disasters.,Whenever I learn of a large tragedy or a waf'somewhere, I get very inspired. I paintedthirty canvases in the first six days of the haqiWar. What's wrong with me? CarolKensington, Jefferson, NH.

Dear Carol: There's nothing wrong with you.lvlany great writers and musicians would bebarren if it weren't for the tragic events of theworld. Msery is an inspirational force farsuperior to traditional muses. Great works likePicasso's Guernica, CSN&Y's Ohio, andHogan's Heroes were inspired by truetragidramas of the twentieth century. Don't beashamed by your need to feed on thesemisfortunes. Channel your feelings intolicensable merchandise and art. Best wishes.