BONUS CHAPTER

WHEN FANTASY SPORTS GOES TOO FAR

OR

I SMASHED MY COMPUTER OVER RANDALL COBB

As you can tell by reading Fantasy Life, fantasy is whoa-crazy-crazy amounts of fun. But like anything else in

life, where there is light, there is darkness; where there is yin, there is yang; where there is fun, there is some

really bad stuff. Sure, 90 percent of the people in the world are nice, normal, decent human beings, but 10

percent or so are just stark, raving lunatics who are built differently from the rest of us. And sadly, sometimes

those 10 percent also play fantasy sports.

Think Im exaggerating? How does a death threat strike you?

According to a report published on naplesnews.com and in the Charlotte Sun-Herald, in 2008, in a small

town in Florida, Chester Marcial Chet Ward was arrested. For what, you ask? For holding a knife to his

roommates neck and threatening to kill him. Apparently, Chet also allegedly sliced pages of the book the roomie

was reading. After the death threat, the roomie went to a neighbors house and called 9-1-1.

So why the death threat? What enraged Chet so?

According to the report, when deputies arrived, Ward admitted to being upset over points from his fantasy

football league and asked his roommate to move out. Ward told the deputies that, because the roommate was

ignoring him, he pulled out his knife and cut the book as a joke.

I dont have more details about what being upset over his fantasy football points meant, but Im gonna

venture a guess that there werent enough of them.

Ward did claim he never threatened to kill his roommate, but he was still arrested on a charge of aggravated

assault with a deadly weapon.

By the way, the report also stated that Ward resisted arrest and even struck an officers hands before

running across the street to escape. And as he fled, Ward was tasered by another deputy and handcuffed.

So Chets total for the day? Charges of battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting arrest with violence,

aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, a fantasy football loss, and I can only assume the need to find a new

roomie.

Insane. Lesson for the kids out there: knives are never funny.

What is funny, however (how about that segue!?), is the show,The League, on FX. When they approached

me about being a guest star on an episode, I immediately agreed without talking to anyone about it. But after I

told my brother Jonathan, he just shook his head.

What is it? I asked.

No, Im happy for you. I really am. Its a great show, but . . .

But what?

Whatever you do, dont try to be funny!

My brother is one of those high-powered Hollywood managers who understands everything about show

businessand about me. He understands my negatives (too many to count) and my positives (the handful of

them). And as a result, he had a very specific set of instructions before I filmed anything.

Look, these are some of the best comedians and improv actors in the business. They are all hilarious. Truly

brilliant. You wont be able to keep up with them. Ive seen you act. Youre not a good actor. So just promise me,

whatever you do, dont try to be funny!

I ended up playing a (hopefully!) slightly less awkward version of myself and, after the reviews came in, it

was clear that the people, well, they really, really tolerated me! Apparently, I didnt embarrass myself and its

been amazing. When they called to ask me to be in it, I was like sure, sounds fun, but come on, its a cable show

on Thursday nights at 10:30 PM. How many people could really watch it?

Apparently, a ton of people. Its been almost two years since I was on the show and not a day goes by that

someone doesnt mention the show to me, tweet me about it, or shout, Hey, prettiest girl in the bar! (a line

from the show).

The thing I found most interesting about the experience was that the show is not completely scripted. The

creators of the show are Jeff and Jackie Schaffer. They have many famous credits, but among them, Jeff was a

writer on Seinfeld for many seasons and an executive producer on the final two seasons. Hes also an executive

producer on Curb Your Enthusiasm, and this show is shot in much the same way.

There is an outline of the plot of the show, and the basic beats (plot points) of each scene are laid out very

specifically along with a few lines of key dialogue, but a decent amount of it is improvised.

For example, in my first scene, this is what was sent to me originally:

Scene #1: One of our characters, Kevin (played by Steve Rannazzisi) is hanging at a hotel bar

waiting for his wife whos in a conference when he sees Matthew Berry walk by. Kevin is determined

to meet him. He tells his brother, Taco, You see that guy? Matthew Berry is the prettiest girl at the bar

and I am going to hit on him.

At the barMatthew Berry is about to order a drink when the bartender hands him a beer,

Compliments of the gentleman over there. Kevin saunters up and breaks the ice.

Kevin says, Im sure every guy on the planet comes up to you and wants fantasy advice. Im not

like those other guysIm not going to do that.

Matt appreciates it, but doesnt mind. He has to run, but he gives Kevin his cardIf you ever

need any fantasy football help, shoot me an email. Taco tries to refuse the card, Oh no, were good

thanks.

Kevin yanks Tacos hand down and takes the card. As Kevin watches him go . . . I got Matt

Berrys digits!

So, thats all there was. We talked about some stuff just before shooting, discussing the different attitudes Kevin

could have in talking to me and a few other comedic beats . . . but obviously, much was improvised. Luckily for

me, Jeff, Jackie, and the cast are not just hilarious and amazing, but theyre also very giving and it was really

collaborative. It was also really relaxed, which was great. When we shoot stuff at ESPN, its almost always live,

theres limited time since were producing so much TV every single day, so theres a pressure and time crunch

on everything we do. On the set of The League, wed do a take, talk about it a bit, try again, get some direction

(Matthew, give it a few more moments before giving him the card), and shoot it another time. We did about

five takes or so of each scene and that was it. Loved it.

One reason I was so excited to do the show, and the thing I like most about it, is the league itself. Its

about an eight-team fantasy league (Ive heard of many, incidentally; stop being so snobbish) and only six of the

people in the league are featured characters (two live out of town). Its a 30-minute show; you cant do a live-

action sitcom (a good one, anyway) focusing on ten different people. So although some might quibble with the

league size, no one will argue about the fantastic spirit of the league, which is very true to fantasy football.

Its a spirit that I love and one that I tried to put into Fantasy Life. And one thing that the characters of The

League and the people in Fantasy Life share is that sometimes their love or addiction to fantasy just goes too far.

Like Derek Brown. As he explains, Last year I almost got arrested because of fantasy.

Apparently, Dereks commissioner changed a tiebreaker rule just before the playoffs to help his team and to

hurt Dereks. Derek remembers, Now Im a laid-back guy and havent been in a fight since I was 18, and Im

27 at this time, but when he said, Stop whining like a bitch, besides its been like that all year . . . I flipped.

Flipped how, you ask? Derek went over to the guys house. And what happened, Derek?

There was some banging and kicking of doors and kicking of windows and me trying to get inside his

house . . . Cops came. I was let go with a warning. I cant go back to the house.

There you have it, America. A restraining order because of fantasy football. Was it worth it, Derek?

Well . . . the rule was changed back, so I was one of four teams to make the playoffs . . .

Im taking that as a yes. Sometimes, of course, the violence isnt directed at another person, but . . . a

computer screen?

Phil was in a hardcore 12-team dynasty auction with his buddy when, as Phil tells me, About midway

through the draft, things are not going too well for my buddy. He has missed on some of his early targets for the

majority of his money, and is now stuck in bidding wars for players who werent terribly high on his list. To add

to his frustration, the draft application on the host websitenot ESPN.com (Im a company man)is not

running well at all. Twice it freezes mid-bid, forcing him to miss out on some players hes trying to pick up.

Anger swells . . .

Next up to draft: Randall Cobb. Okay, now is the time. My buddy is sick of missing out on players and

this is a guy he is interested in. He bids a few times, gets outbid a few times, and the clock continues to run. His

opponent currently has the winning bid and suddenly the site locks up again. My buddy can no longer enter

another bid and by the time it unfreezes, Randall Cobb is forever gone.

In a complete blind rage he grabs his computer with one hand and smashes his fist into it, shattering the

screen. Then, almost like waking panicked from a nightmare, he realizes what he has done. Dude, why did I do

that?? I smashed my computer over Randall Cobb.

To me, the best violence is the kind that doesnt happen, but rather is just written about in great smack talk.

Justins league of buddies from high school had been going on for a while when someone dropped out and they

needed a new member. Enter Danielle, Justins better half. A league member named Cameron tried to mess with

her. That was a mistake. Let this be a lesson to men everywhere: dont start a trash-talk war with a woman whos

seven-and-a-half months pregnant.

Heres an excerpt from their message board:

Cameron: Congrats to you two! How about if I win this year, you name your first child after me?

A little friendly wager. Good Luck and go F yourselves.

Danielle: Im pregnant, hormonal, and bitchy. The smack talk might get ugly, but Im sure ugly is

nothing new for you, Cameron.

Cameron: Me ugly? Youd have to ask your mom.

Justin: Ok Cameron, why dont you sit down and think of a clever response next time. Youre

embarrassing yourself . . . Again.

Cameron: I dont need to be clever, no one in this league can match my intelligenceso I dumb

it down for you regular people. On another noteIll be in Cali in August, so I may take the liberty to

find you, bust you in the mouth; right after I look at your baby registry. Have a nice day Justin.

Danielle: Its great to hear youll be in town in August. We can finally meet so I can put a face to

the name. No need to check out the registry . . . Well be giving the baby your balls as a souvenir. By

the way, I dont have a mom. Thats why my dad and I use yours. Looking forward to another great

season! See you soon!

Bam! Now THATS some smack talk. Well done, Danielle. Tough to come back from that. Which might explain

why Cameron didnt even try.

Cameron: I will be dropping out of the league this year. Justin and Danielle congrats again. Good

luck and Ill catch you next year.

Cameron learned the hard way . . . Dont dish out the smack if you cant take it. The same lesson Josh learned.

Josh, you see, is the commish of the Go Big or Go Home league, and after his buddy J.R. won in his first year

of playing fantasy football, Josh spent the entire off-season telling J.R. how lucky he was, how he would never

win again, how he wouldnt even make the playoffs this year.

So when it was time for J.R. to pay his league fees, he had an idea how to pay Josh back. J.R. thought, I

bet it would suck to have to hang onto $750 of pennies for the whole season.

And, wouldnt you know it, J.R. was right. Our league payment weighs 500 pounds.

Fantasy makes people do a lot of things they regret. Heading into Monday Night Football one week, Lonny

was down to his best friend by 21 points but had Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski. In the middle of the third

quarter, Gronk had 21 points, so Lonny called his friend and just laughed at him on the phone, talking trash. The

friend seemed subdued, but Lonny chalked that up to the big comeback hed made.

Only to find out later that his grandmother had died that afternoon. I had called my best friend literally

hours after his grandmother had died and laughed at him. I tried to call, but his phone went straight to voice

mail. I sent a text and an e-mail apologizing (and sending other words of comfort). No response.

A few days later, Lonny went to the shiva house to pay his respects and was told that his buddy was

actually happy to have the distraction and all was forgiven. But boy did I feel like the biggest douche in the

world for a few days.

Weirdly, Greg Singletary felt the complete opposite. He was thrilled with how he looked. Because this bad

boy got him into a listener league for a popular fantasy football podcast.

Yep. People will do anything for fantasy glory. Or just to get into a book. I dont think it gets any more desperate

than what these kids did. As Andrew Turk explains, For our school dodgeball tournament, we named our team

Matthew Berrys Berryettes. Wed love to be in the book, mentioned in a tweet, or anything. Names are

Andrew, Nick, Evan, Jake, Dan, Joe, and Gabe.

Apparently they are all in the same fantasy football and fantasy baseball leagues together. So, Andrew, what did

people make of your getup?

Well, some people were a bit confused. Some people (unbelievably) didnt know who you are. Before

each game we all got in a circle, did a little pump-up yell, and yelled TMR on three. Then, throughout the

matches, wed be pumping each other up saying do it for Matthew or all for Matthew, and just little sayings

like that. We lost our first game but ended up winning the whole tournament. And now we are gonna give the

trophy as a prize to the winner in our fantasy league each season.

Sure, this was blatant and really didnt have anything to do with fantasy, but hand it to Andrew. He made

the bonus chapter. It worked. Something another young person wishes they could say. Instead, it completely

backfired on her.

Carolyn Malfa has an eight-team family league called The Hotness. She sets the scene. I just want to

throw out the fact that I am a 22-year-old actress in New York City and my mom is a microbiologist in her mid-

50s. Somehow, I think everything becomes funnier when considering how atypical we are for fantasy football.

Indeed it does, Carolyn. And before we begin, shed like you to know, Im not proud of what I did. But I

did it for the sanctity of the league.

The league was an eight-person league with Carolyns family and best friend David. No one in the league

takes it as seriously as Carolyn, including David.

Hes from Boston originally, so he makes sure to draft Tom Brady first and then lets auto-draft do the rest.

Carolyns review? He ends up with a pretty wack team, regardless of the fact that our league is so small. His

team was . . . a hot mess.

And not only was Davids team, uh, an auto-drafted hot mess (sure, Ill talk like a 22-year-old girl, why

not?), but he doesnt touch his lineup AT ALL for the first seven weeks. Bye week players in his lineup, injured

guys, the whole thing.

What happens? Tom Brady goes nuts, the scheduling gods are on Davids side every week, and he keeps

managing to win each matchup by just a few points. As for Carolyn?

The opposite is happening to me. I had a CRAZY awesome team. Yet everyone I was matched with had

their best week when they played me . . . So I was getting EXTREMELY frustrated that, by week 10, I was sixth

in the league, yet had 200 MORE TOTAL POINTS than EVERY other person. Meanwhile, now that David was

in a position to go to playoffs, he was always bragging about how great his team was and talking shit after

literally ignoring the whole thing for two months, which also pissed me off. By playoffs, I had lost it completely.

I could not have someone who literally went into every week with an incomplete team go to the playoffs!

And thus began Carolyns journey to the dark side. With two weeks before the playoffs, she needed to win

both games and keep David out of the playoffs. Carolyns team, Voldemorts Army, would have no issue with

her opponent. The problem was that David was playing her dad, currently in last place.

So she does what any normal 22-year-old with shaky morals who desperately wants to win an eight-team,

$20 buy-in family league would do: She trades a bunch of stud players to her dad for scrubs with the

understanding that dad will later trade those players back to Carolyn after he beats David. Dad is new to fantasy

and doesnt understand the problem with this.

It all goes according to plan. Dad beats David and trades the studs back to Carolyn. Shes in the process of

renting the studs to her cousin (Davids opponent this week) when all hell breaks loose. Back to Carolyn:

I then receive a HYSTERICAL phone call from my mom; like, Im freaked out that something really bad

is going on. Shes all, I cannot BELIEVE what youve done, what the HELL is going on here, this is

DISGUSTING.

Carolyn was blindsided. My mom knew about the trades, but apparently she didnt know about the trading

back part, which she NEVER would have thought was okay. And Im just on the phone, dumbfounded by how

emotional my mom is getting about this, like tweaking out, talking about how she didnt raise her children to be

so deceitful, she cant believe my behavior and that my dad and sister (the commish) allowed it, how were

morally bankrupt and she doesnt want to ever play with us again . . . It culminated with, I CAN NEVER

TRUST YOU AGAIN! And Im going to tell David and everyone else what youve done!!!

No one likes to get yelled at by their mom, but to also have her say shell NEVER trust you again? Arent

moms supposed to support you no matter what? Carolyn freaks out: Because while TECHNICALLY everything

I did was legal, and obviously THERE IS NO WAY TO RIG FANTASY FOOTBALL, MOM, as I CANNOT

CONTROL THE PLAYERS . . . I know it was still pretty douchey, and I didnt want David to find out. Of

course the trades were visible to everyone in the league . . . I just knew that David didnt change his lineup for

eight weeksthere was NO WAY he was checking the league activity page. So now Im screaming at the fact

that she would send a biased, vicious e-mail to everyone about how horrible I am is WAY more fucked up.

Because while Im not being totally upfront, Im not keeping any secrets, its all public information . . . but she

wasnt having it. And Im like, FINE, I wont do anything, just calm down and dont send out a hate mail blast

about me.

Carolyn ended up winning both weeks, but Davids hot streak continued as he squeaked by the cousin and

made the playoffs over Carolyn. Im telling youfantasy karma. Even in an eight-team family league.

And perhaps because of the drama, Carolyns sister, Lisa, gave up being commissioner for the 2012 season.

Carolyn offers to do it, but Mom OF COURSE is like, I dont know, is that really a good idea? Should you

have control over all those things? I dont trust you to be honest. Oh. My. God. ARE YOU KIDDING??? LET

IT GO! Im not gonna go in and change peoples scores every week, you CRAZY PERSON. And she went on to

say how shes really glad Lisa is giving up commissioner, especially after what she let happen last season, it

was her job to prevent such things. Blah blah blah drama drama drama. I love my mom, but it still amazes me

thinking back to how seriously nuts she went over it. She was also pissed at my dad for a while, and she STILL

brings it up now.

Honestly Mom, your daughter named her team Voldermorts Army. How many clues do you need that

shes up to no good?

But it just goes to show. . . It doesnt matter if its high stakes or just a $20 eight-team family league . . .

Fantasy sports makes people do some crazy stuff. But luckily for us, they tell us about it.