EXERCISING PARENTAL

AUTHORITY WITH TEENAGERS

From the parent’s perspective:

Adolescence is that terrible “something” that happens to children when they turn 13!

From the teen’s perspective:

Adolescence is that terrible “something” that happens to parents when their children turn 13!

Adolescents accuse their parents:

Denying them freedomOppression AuthoritarianismHolding on to outdated beliefs

Not living up to what they preach

Parents accuse adolescents:IrresponsibilityInconsistency and lack of proper priorities

Utopian idealism that will lead them to nowhere

Lack of reflection or foresightBad choice of friends who derail them

Concrete examples areas of conflict:

Poor academic performanceLaziness: oversleeping, idlenessBad FriendsGoing out (for parties, sleepovers etc)

Moodiness/ rudeness/being disrespectful

Relationship with girls

Use of gadgetry

Religious convictionsCareer choicesStyle of dressingChoice of musicNot eating healthyAvoiding parents’ companyChoice of hobbies

Suggestions on how to deal with the conflicts:

In important matters draw the line

Identify the matter clearlyExplain why the issue is important to you

Explain possible consequences of crossing the line

Encourage debate: questions, clarification etc. before not after.

Examples:Use of drugsAlcohol abusePornographyRelationship with girlsParties and sleepovers How late he can stay outUse of mobile phones

In unimportant matters be ready to concede.

Do not concede:• out of fear of provoking a confrontation.

•Because of the persistence and aggression the teenager uses in making his demands

•Out of manipulation of our guilt conscience

•

Examples:Watching the world Cup: which matches?

Style of clothing and hairstyles

Extracurricular activitiesHoliday activitiesHobbies

Avoid correcting in anger!

Listen more and speak less. At times silence is the best option especially when we are angry.

Do not offer general criticism. Focus on the specific action that you are unhappy with and not the person: Use facts and not opinions

Try and not betray loyalties: “You are not the son I gave birth to…; what kind of man are you….; you will become like your useless uncles….

Do not condemn by predicting doom in the future. Focus on what needs to be done NOW to secure the future.

Do not correct in front of others. This is shaming and not correcting. It might degenerate into power battles as each party tries to save face.

Do not give an answer to an important demand before thinking through; it is better to ask for more time to consult and think about it. If he insists on an answer now it will be a “no”. If he is willing to wait, the answer might change.

Avoid excessive dependence learn to ask for their opinions and solutions to some of the problems they come up with. In less important matters, let them try their options even if you are sure they are likely to fail.

Focus less and less on defects and more and more on strong points

Avoid comparing him with his siblings; they detest it.

Prepare well for an encounter that is likely to generate heat. Prepare notes.

Offer your personal experiences especially of your struggles that the teens can identify with

Inform him of anything special that he needs to know e.g. issues regarding his identity, anything that is likely to affect the family either positively or negatively. This shows that you trust him. If he learns it from another source, he learns not to trust you… and undermines your authority.

Be physically present. This ensures consistency in guiding the teenager

We should NOT be discouraged that there are conflicts. It is normal when dealing with teenagers.

Good Luck!