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ExactlyWhatToSayInAFirstMessage

September14th,2009byChristianRudder

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Ok,herestheexperiment.Weanalyzedover500,000firstcontactsonourdatingsite,OkCupid.Ourprogramlookedatkeywordsandphrases,howtheyaffectedreplyrates,andwhattrendswerestatisticallysignificant.Theresult:asetofrulesforwhatyoushouldandshouldntsaywhenintroducingyourself.Onlinedatingadviceatitsbest.Letsgo:

Rule1Beliterate

Netspeak,badgrammar,andbadspellingarehugeturnoffs.Ournegativecorrelationlistisafoolslexicon:ur,u,wat,wont,andsoon.Theseallmakeaterriblefirstimpression.Infact,ifyoucounthit(andwedo!)theworst6wordsyoucanuseinafirstmessageareallstupidslang.

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Languagelikethisissuchastrongdealbreakerthatcorrectlywrittenbutotherwiseworkadaywordslikedontandwonthavenicelyaboveaverageresponserates(36%and37%,respectively).

Interestingexceptionstothenonetspeakruleareexpressionsofamusement.haha(45%replyrate)andlol(41%)bothturnedouttobequitegoodforthesender.Thismakesacertainsense:peoplelikeasenseofhumor,andyouneedtobecasualtoconveygenuinelaughter.hehewasalsoasuccessfulword,butmuchlessso(33%).Scientifically,thisisbecauseitsalittleevilsounding.

So,inshort,itsokaytolaugh,butkeeptherestofyourmessagegrammaticalandpunctuated.

Rule2Avoidphysicalcompliments

Althoughthedatashowsthisadviceholdstrueforbothsexes,itsmostlydirectedatguys,becausetheyarewaymorelikelytotalkaboutlooks.Youmightthinkthatwordslikegorgeous,beautiful,andsexyarenicethingstosaytosomeone,butnoonewantstohearthem.Asweallknow,peoplenormallylikecompliments,butwhentheyreusedaspickuplines,beforeyouveevenmetinperson,theyinevitablyfeelew.Besides,whenyoutellawomanshesbeautiful,chancesareyourenot.

Ontheotherhand,moregeneralcomplimentsseemtoworkwell:



Thewordprettyisaperfectcasestudyforourpoint.Asanadjective,itsaphysicalcompliment,butasanadverb(asin,Imprettygoodatsports.)itsisjustanotherword.

Whenusedasanadverbitactuallydoesverywell(aphenomenonwellexamineindetailbelow),butasprettysusesbecomemoreclearlyaboutlooks,replyratesdeclinesharply.Youreprettyandyour



prettyarephrasesthatcouldgoeitherway(physicalornon).Butveryprettyisalmostalwaysusedtodescribethewaysomethingorsomeonelooks,andyoucanseehowthatworksout.

Rule3Useanunusualgreeting

Wetookacloselookatsalutations.Afterall,thewayyouchoosetostartyourinitialmessagetosomeoneisthefirstimpressionofyourfirstimpression.Theresultssurprisedus:

Thetopthreemostpopularwaystosayhellowereallactuallybadbeginnings.Eventheslangyhollaandyoperformbetter,buckingthegeneralbeliteraterule.Infact,itssmartertousenotraditionalsalutationatall(whichearnsyouthereplyrateof27%)andjustdiveintowhateveryouhavetosaythantostartwithhi.Imnotsurewhythisis:maybetheubiquityofthemostpopularopeningsmeanspeoplearemorelikelytojuststopreadingwhentheyseethem.

Themoreinformalstandardgreetings:howsitgoing,whatsup,andhowdyalldidverywell.Maybetheysetamorecasualtonethatpeopleprefer,thoughIhavetosay,Youhadmeatwhatsupdoesntquitehavethesameringtoit.

Rule4Bringupspecificinterests

Therearemanywordsontheeffectiveendofourlistlikezombie,band,tattoo,literature,studying,vegetarian(yes!),andmetal(doubleyes!)thatareallclearlyreferencingsomethingimportanttothe



sender,therecipient,or,ideally,both.Talkingaboutspecificthingsthatinterestyouorthatyoumighthaveincommonwithsomeoneisatimehonoredwaytomakeaconnection,andwehaveproofherethatitworks.Werepresentingjustasmattering:infacteverynichewordthatwehavesignificantdataonhasapositiveeffectonmessaging.

Evenmoreeffectivearephrasesthatengagethereadersowninterests,orshowyouvereadtheirprofile:



Rule5Ifyoureaguy,beselfeffacing

Awkward,sorry,apologize,kinda,andprobablyallmademalemessagesmoresuccessful,yetnoneofthemexceptsorryaffectsfemalemessages.Aswementionedbefore,pretty,nodoubtbecauseofitsadverbialmeaningoftoafairdegreemoderatelyalsohelpsmalemessages.Alotofrealworlddatingadvicetellsmentobemoreconfident,butapparentlyhemmingandhawingalittleworkswellonline.



Itcouldbethatappearingunsuremakesthewriterseemmorevulnerableandlessthreatening.Itcouldbethatwomenlikeguyswhowritemumbly.Buteitherway:menshouldbecarefulnottolettheappearanceofvulnerabilitybecometheappearanceofsweatydesperation:pleaseisonthenegativelist(22%replyrate),andinfactitistheonlywordthatisactuallyworseforyouthanitsnetspeakequivalent(pls,23%)!

Rule6Considerbecominganatheist

Mentioningyourreligionhelpsyou,but,paradoxically,ithelpsyoumostifyouhavenoreligion.Weknowthatsgoingtopissalotofpeopleoff,andweremoreorlesstongueincheekwiththisadvice,butitswhatthenumberssay.



Thesearethereligioustermsthatappearedastatisticallysignificantnumberoftimes.Atheistactuallyshowedupsurprisinglyoften(342timesper10,000messages,secondonlyto552mentionsofchristianandaheadof278forjewishand142formuslim).

Thoughveryfewpeopleactuallydoit,invokingtheskybreakingthunderboltsofzeusdoeshelpapersongetnoticed(replyrate56%),butmaybethatshouldntbeasurpriseonasitethatisitselfnamedforamemberoftheClassicalpantheon.Soifyoucantbringyourselftodenythedeity,consideropeningyourselfuptoawholewackybunchofthem.Butideallyyoushouldjustdisbelievethewholething.Itcanhelpyourlovelife,and,besides,iftherereallywasagod,wouldntfirstmessagesalwaysgetareply?

AwordaboutuserprivacyonOkCupid

ThoughthisposttalksindetailaboutthecontentofpeoplesmessagesonOkCupid,allmessageshavebeenanonymized,withsenderandrecipientdataandallIPandtimestampinformationstrippedout.Inaddition,ouranalysisprogramlookedatmessagesonlytwoorthreewordsatatime,totrackthesuccessofcertainwordsorphrases(likewhatsupvs.watsup).Theprogramthenaggregatedresultsbyphrasebeforepresentingthedata.NooneatOkCupidreadanyactualusermessagestocompilethispost.

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523ResponsestoExactlyWhatToSayInAFirstMessage

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1. September18,2010at9:16amMaeBestsays:

Iwouldalsobeinterestedinseeingaheightweightscalesummery.Itwasextremelyinterestingtolearnthatbothmenandwomenstretchthetruthabouttheirheightequally.Iwouldbesimilarlyasfascinatedinlearningthestatisticsoffolkswhofabricatetheirowntruthabouttheirweight.Itseemssosillytometolieabouteitherifyouareactuallyplanningtomeetsomeone.Althoughtheexcusesonewouldmakeupaboutwhytheyare2inchesshorter,or50poundsheaviermaysoundfunnierinmyheadthanverbalized.

2. September18,2010at5:15pmnicksays:

ThatissobizarreaboutthereligionaspectandIhavenoticedthatthevastmajorityofwomenonlinereallydonotpracticeanyreligion.Iguaranteeyou90%ofthesepeoplealsohaveatleast3tattoosanddonthaveaclearcutideaofwhattheywanttodoforaliving.Iknowthisispassingjudgmentandalittleunfairtosaybut,justseeforyourself.

Whydomostwomenreallydisguisetheirpersonalitiesanddontexpectmennottothroughoutpettycompliments?WhenyousayIliketohavefunwithmyfriendsthatsaysabsolutelynothingaboutyouNowondertheirissuchanegativestereotypetointernetdatingfromafemaleperspective,theyjustdonttakeitseriouslyorputmuchfaithinit.

3. September18,2010at5:46pmElliotsays:



allofthisseemslikegoinfo,illgiveitatrybecausemylastemailshavenotworkedjackshitformeormyprofile.

4. September18,2010at11:37pmSaadiasays:

WOWIgetwhymystupidnetspeakturnsguysoffnow.IwishIreadthisarticleearlier!!!ANDCALMDOWNPEOPLE!Thepointwastokeepreligionoutofcontextuntilyougettoknowthepersonbetter.

5. September20,2010at6:40pmJesussays:

IwasntgoingtocommentbutIcouldntworkoutifthiswassarcasm,trollingordeludedranting(Illassumethefirst):

Atheistslovetofeelpersecuted.Thathighnumbercomesfromidiotssaying,Itssohardtofindattractiveatheistswho*understand*me.Noitsnot.FreakingeverybodyontheInternetisanatheist.Getoveryourselves.

Itmademewanttoknowthecorrelationbetweenatheismandhavingasenseofhumourbecauseitsurelookslikepracticallythesamethingallthewaytotheoppositeendofthespectrumafterreadingthat.LookatJonStewartandColbertvstheFOXnewscrowd.Yeshesjewishbuthisaudienceislargelyatheistoratleastmadeupofthosethatdonttaketheirreligionsoseriously,includinghimself.

AnyatheistwouldbejustbethinkingWTF????andthenlaughingtheirheadoff.Athiestsareimmunefromfeelingpersecuted,asatheistsatleast,sincebydefinitionisdoesntdefineanypartoftheiregoandwhereisthisone

Yesitcancomeacrossasbeinganinsensitiveassholetothoseontheothersidebutbeingabletolaughattheworldingeneralprobablyhelpsquitealotincomingacrossaslessserious,whichseemstocorrelatewithgettingmoreresponses.

PS:sorryifthisisaduplicatepostbutIgotnoindicationthatthefirstonedidanything.

6. September25,2010at3:12pmMostafasays:

itsTerribletomakeGODthelastthingonthelist!Wakeuppeoplepleaaaaaaase!

7. September28,2010at3:21pmJamessays:

IdontthinkdenyingGodisgoingtohelpyoufindagirlfriendbud.

8. September30,2010at2:57amAlexeisays:

Howsitgoing?Youmention(band,zombie,movies),andIprettymuchthink(band,zombie,movies)areawesome.Especiallywhen(bandplayed,zombieland,moviescene).Sorry,Ineverreallyknowwhattosayatfirstinthese.

Thismuchis189characterswithoutspaces,226with.Thisiswhatgetsreplies.Apparentlyinsightdoesntmatter(showmewheretheresspaceforit)...itsallaboutthefirstimpressionofbeingonlymildlyinterested.



(optional)ifyourebothatheist:Iadmireyouratheism..or..Dothechristiansbugyoutoo?(Authorofthiscommentischristian)

9. October2,2010at11:55amVivekSPanickersays:

Itwasreallyhelpful.Iusedtosendwinkbutcouldntseeanyreplies.RecentlyIfoundagirlveryattractiveandsentheramessagebysaying,Youlookawesome.Keepup.Surprisinglysherepliedtothatmessageandsheaddedmetoherfriendslist!

10. October5,2010at10:13pmRandysays:

WhatIfindmostinterestingisthatwhenpeoplesaytheyreatheist,theymostofthetimemeantheyreagnostic.Atheismisthedisbeliefinanyorallsupremebeings,deities,gods,whathaveyou,andwhenyouaskanatheistiftheybelievetherecouldbeasupremepower,butnotneccassarilyGodperse,theyoftenagree.ThatsagnosticismandthisissomethingthatIvenoticedalotgrowingup.

however,Ihavetosay,thesectiononnetspeakisprettyfunnybecauseitstrue,allofthatlingoissuperannoying,andnothingisworsethanwhensomeoneactuallysayslolintherealworldinsteadofactuallylaughing.

anyway,justmytwocents.

11. October9,2010at5:18amRDCsays:

Ifinditreallyinterestingtoapproachthisfromtheviewpointofastudyonmodernsexuality.Asamale,Ifindalloftheserulesthatwevecreatedmostoftentakemeawayfrombeingmyself,whileincreasingmysuccessinmeetingpeopleatthesametime.IfindthatIamconsistentlyrewardedfornotbeingmyself,andinsteadactinglikethepersonthatsocietyandwomenwouldaccept.IamcertainthatIamnotaloneinthis.Suppose,forexample,thatIfoundsomethinggenuinelyveryinterestingaboutafemalesonlinedatingprofile.Iwouldholdbacktheimpulsetocommunicatewithgreatenthusiasm,becauseIknowthatmostwomenwouldbeturnedoffbythis.ShouldIreallydescribemylifephilosophyorwhatreallydrivesmeormakesmehappyinthislife,inmyprofile?Byandlarge,Ihavefoundthatalongprofileisseenasanegativeortoointense.Icouldgoonandon.Thiswholeprocessturnspeopleintorobots.Iwishthatwe,asapeople,couldfinditinourselvestomovebeyondtheseverynarrowlydefinedculturalroles.Forexample,95%ofwomenwillnevermessageaguyonline.Bythesametoken,95%ofwomenwillnevereverapproachamaninpublic,nomatterhowattractiveorinterestingthatmanseemstoher.Ifinditinexplicablethatweasaasasocietywouldcreatesuchstrictrulesforthewaypeopleshouldact.Whatthiscreatesisasocietyofmenwholearnbehyperaggressive,bothintherealworldandvirtually.Yetwomenoftencomplainaboutmanswarlikeagrotendencies.Iblamenoparticularsex,thisissomethingthatweneedtoworkthroughasacultureandasahumanity.Ijustwish,eventhoughitseemsimpossible,thatweasasocietycouldfindawaytoexpectnothing,unlearnwithjoy,andbefree,bothinthewaythatwereceivethosearoundus,andinourownpersonalfreedomofexpression.

12. October9,2010at5:20amRDKsays:

Ifinditreallyinterestingtoapproachthisfromtheviewpointofastudyonmodernsexuality.Asamale,Ifindalloftheserulesthatwevecreatedmostoftentakemeawayfrombeing



myself,whileincreasingmysuccessinmeetingpeopleatthesametime.IfindthatIamconsistentlyrewardedfornotbeingmyself,andinsteadactinglikethepersonthatsocietyandwomenwouldaccept.IamcertainthatIamnotaloneinthis.Suppose,forexample,thatIfoundsomethinggenuinelyveryinterestingaboutafemalesonlinedatingprofile.Iwouldholdbacktheimpulsetocommunicatewithgreatenthusiasm,becauseIknowthatmostwomenwouldbeturnedoffbythis.ShouldIreallydescribemylifephilosophyorwhatreallydrivesmeormakesmehappyinthislife,inmyprofile?Byandlarge,Ihavefoundthatalongprofileisseenasanegativeortoointense.Icouldgoonandon.Thiswholeprocessturnspeopleintorobots.Iwishthatwe,asapeople,couldfinditinourselvestomovebeyondtheseverynarrowlydefinedculturalroles.Forexample,95%ofwomenwillnevermessageaguyonline.Bythesametoken,95%ofwomenwillnevereverapproachamaninpublic,nomatterhowattractiveorinterestingthatmanseemstoher.Ifinditinexplicablethatweasaasasocietywouldcreatesuchstrictrulesforthewaypeopleshouldact.Whatthiscreatesisasocietyofmenwholearnbehyperaggressive,bothintherealworldandvirtually.Yetwomenoftencomplainaboutmanswarlikeagrotendencies.Iblamenoparticularsex,thisissomethingthatweneedtoworkthroughasacultureandasahumanity.Ijustwish,eventhoughitseemsimpossible,thatweasasocietycouldfindawaytoexpectnothing,unlearnwithjoy,andbefree,bothinthewaythatwereceivethosearoundus,andinourownpersonalfreedomofexpression.

13. October11,2010at10:50amNicko89says:

Ivewitnessedthesamescenarioseverydatingsiteivegoneto.

Match.comEHarmonyPlentyofFishJazzedEvowetc.

Ithasalltreatedmethesame,anditseemsnoamountofmethodscouldhelpgaineventheslightestresponseofsomeonewhowouldactuallyenjoyatleasthavingaconversationwithme,andmaybewanttodatelater.Igiveoutamessageibarelyreceiveanyresponses,andtheworstofitisthatmanyofthesamewomendontevenlookatmyprofile.Nowimwonderingifimtalkingtosomerobot.idontevenknow.Howmuchofmyselfcanipresenttoawoman,italmostseemsasifeveryonewantssomeone,andyetnoonewantsanyone.

Onlinedatingisjuststartingtobecomeextremelytedious,butikeeplingeringonthinkingsomeonemightfindmeinteresting.Imdecentlooking,ihavegoals,ihaveafuture,ikeepmyprioritiesstraight.Maybeijustcantwheninapoolofbadapples

14. October12,2010at2:17pmDwightMorrisonsays:

Interestingarrayofviews,ImustsaymyexperienceofonlinedatingislikeonlinemarketingtryingtocomeupwiththenextbigideaandattractionasmanysalesaspossibleallthisusingtherightwordsandsayingtherightthingislikegoogleadwordsgrantedIllbetryingsomeifnotallthesemethodsandseeingwhereitgetsmealongasImnotsellingmysoul.

15. October12,2010at11:07pmSomebodysays:

SohereistheperfectmessageusingwhatIgleanedfromtheabove:



HeySenoritagirly,

VerysorrytointerruptyoubutIwanttotellyouhowniceyouareandImightaddprettyawesomehaha.IfZeuswasstillstalkingabouthewouldsnagyouinhiswifesackinaflashoflighteninghaha.Althoughyoudidntmentionitinyourprofile,Icanimagineyouplayingleadguitarinametalzombiebandwellsorrythatcertainlycameoutinanawkwardway.Sorry,maybeIjustsaidthatasIhavebeenbrowsingtheliteratureaboutzombies,tattoosandpiercings.DoyouknowthattheyalloriginatedinTransylvaniawithVladIIItheImpaler?Younodoubtknowofthetorturesheinflicted.Ifhisvictimssurvivedtheywereturnedintowellpiercedzombies.Tattooswereameansofmarkinghissubjectsaspunishments,marksofrank,andasameansofsendingorderstohiscohorts.Thatsprettyawesomeisntithaha?BythewayIamanAtheistsorry.

16. October13,2010at1:37pmMikesays:

Interestingarticle,andespeciallytheresponsethereligionanalysishasreceived.

Imsuretheactualprocessofgettingthatreplyalsoincludescheckingthesendersprofile,thatis,notonlythemessagesent.Youguyshavedonesuchagreatjobteasingoutfascinatinginformationfromthedatabaseshere,iwonderifyoucouldmanageananalysisofthatdynamic.

Bytheway,Idolistmyselfasanatheistandhavereadmanyprofilesofpeoplefittingthatplusothercriteria,particularlyeducation,andcanseeanumberofcorrelations,suchasanaffinityforNPR.Makeofthatwhatyouwill.

17. October20,2010at1:43pmamolibrisays:

Verygoodpoints.Usefulinformationtoo.Ivecaughtsomespammymessages,whereitsprettyobviousthatpeoplearebroadcastingortrollingbysendingthesamemessagetomanyrecipients.Iveneverhadanyoneadmititbuttherearenofurthermessagesfromthemeither!~)ThereareSOmanyerrorsingrammarandspellingthatitsreallysad.Peoplewhosaytheyarecollegegraduates,dontknowthedifferencebetweenthenandthan,yourandyoure,their,thier,there,theyre,etc.Runaspellcheckatleast,forpetessake.Alsoanyonewhomentionsheadgamesordramaqueens.OUTOUTOUT.

18. October28,2010at2:17pmJeffsays:

DearBelieverandparticularlyEvangelicalXians,

Iamanatheist.Assuch,Idontdenytheexistenceofagod.AsanatheistIlackabeliefinagod.Thetotalabsenceofsomething,suchasabelief,isnotsomethinginandofitself.ThatIdonthavethisbeliefandyoudodoesnotrequireofmeadenialjustbecauseyouwishtodenywelivewithinasecularsociety.

Beanatheistifyouwanttodatemeandbetrusted.

19. November2,2010at8:48pmCorisays:

IwouldthinkthatsayingwhatsuporhowsitgoingismoresuccessfulbecausetheyarequestionsandgiveyousomethingtosayinaresponseIrealizeitsamessage,butaquestion



actuallyINVITESaresponse.Theguycouldbesendingmessagestoseveralgirlseachday,ifyoudontrespond,someonewill.Itslikeanicebreaker.Easyquestionfirst,gofromthere.

20. January8,2011at11:33pmNeedaYentasays:

Iveusedonlinedatingsitesonandofffor6years,andithasbeeninterestingtosaytheleast.Totheguysouttheregettingfrustratedbyalackofresponse,understandthatmenoutnumberwomen9to1onmostsites.Soforevery1emailyousend,Ireceive9.Itsnowonderyoudonthearbackfromeveryone.Ihadsomanyresponses,Ilinedup35datesadayuntilIfoundwhatIwaslookingfor.Idoubtthatmostwomenhavethatkindoftime,sojustunderstanditsamatterofsupplyanddemand.Donttakeitpersonal.Also,tryusingalineintheemailthatyouwoulduseinperson.Younoticesomethingabouther,andcommentonit.Thatmeansyouhavetoreadherentireprofile,andthencommentonwhatyoufoundinterestingorcurious.YourtriptoGreecesoundsawesome!Idlovetohearmoreaboutit.Donotaskaclosedendedquestion.Askanopenendedquestionthatrequiresmorethanaonewordanswer.ThatisSales101andwereallsellingheresellingtheideathatafuturewithuswouldbeawesome!MylastpointtoallthemenoutthereRememberthisonethingfortherestofyourlivesSmartwomenwanttohearthattheyarebeautiful(attractive,cute,etc.)Beautifulwomenwanttohearthattheyaresmart.Givethemwhattheywantandyoullbeinfasterthanatatooedathiestjoinsametalband.Goodluck.

21. January10,2011at1:44amMicahsays:

ThisisoneofthemostinterestingblogsIveeverread.InreadingthecommentsitseemsasifImreadingmyownthoughts.Ivehadallthesethoughtsexceptforthebitbythejudgmentalprude.Thatpersonisjustclosedmindedandlockedinabubble.Anyway,thebitaboutonlinedatingmarketing.Ithinkthisguyisontosomething.Iveactuallythoughtaboutthisoften.IvedatedsomegirlsthatIvemetfromdatingwebsites.Ivecreatedprofilesthatwerefollowingthepopulartrend,statusquo,astonotrocktheboat,followallthepickupartistrulesofsocialengagementandIdefinitelygetmoreresponsesultimatelyleadingtomoredates.Ivealsocreatedanexperimentalprofilethatmostresemblesmytruepersonality.Unfortunately,thefakeprofilewonbyalandslide.Itssadthatmytruepersonalitywasconsideredtheexperimental.Thereareafewinterestingpointshere.Tojustifyusingastatusquoprofileistoincreasethechancesofactuallymeetingyourpotentialmate.Footinthedoor.Onlinedatinghasbecomeanotherlayerofmeetingyoursoulmate.Technologyismakingtheworldasmallerplacebutatthesametimeseparatingourselvesfromactualinterpersonalinteraction.Textingisagreatexampleanditcangobothways.SomemaybebetteratcommunicationthroughtextbutIwouldthinkthemajorityofcoupleshavemetthroughactualconversationinperson.Hereistheneworderofmeetingsomeoneyoumayhititoffwith:1.Wink,2.Message,3.Facebook,4.Texting,5.Telephone(thisisthefirsttimeyouactuallyhearyourpotentialdatesvoiceandthiscangoonforseveralweeks),Finally,youmeetforadate.Newrulesofengagmentarehere.Trygoingoutoforderandyoumayfindthatthefemaleisturnedoff.Theperfectmessagewasveryfunny,sorryforsayingso.Iactuallyhaveapiercedzombietatoo.MaybethatswhyIvehad452datesinthelasttwoyears.

22. January13,2011at12:23amTheFlyingSpaghettiMonstersays:

Iwonderifatheistsgetmorerepliesbecausetheresmoreofthemonthissite,duetothefactthatitshardtofindnonatheistswhoarewillingtodateone(atleastfrommyexperience,whichmostlyinvolvespeopletellingmeImgoingtohell).

23. January13,2011at10:22am



Johnsays:

ImsuretheAtheistConnectionisjustthatevenamongyoungpeople,itsstillachristiansociety,andfindinganotherAtheistthoughnotdifficult,especiallywiththematchsystemgivesyouasenseofconnection.Maybenotaplacetostart,butthatsoneimportantsetofvaluesthatIknowwethenhaveincommon!

24. January14,2011at6:14ampoopoosays:

Iknowwhyapologizeandkindaandpardontheexpressionimprovethechancesofguys.

Itsbecauseonyoursite98percentoftherespondentsareAmericans1.9percentareCanadiansand.1percentareBritons.

WhenanAmericanwritessomething,andhewantstosay,greatdame,acceptmyapologyforinteracting,andpleasenotehowIdidnotwriteplease,bythetimeitistyped,itmophrsonthescreenasadpfoigunae98gaw3eyw0uyawerugyaewiuerthentheAmericanclicksonSAND.

IblametheAmericanPublicSchoolsystem,andofcoursetheRepublicans.

Soyourdatawascollectedfromcanadianstocanadians.Thisiswhytheapologeticwordsweresosuccessful:we,incanada,usecouldIbotheryoutosorry,Iapologize,IdidnotmeantointerruptyourapologytothegameswardenmuchlikeyouAmysusegoddamnedmofoshitforbrainsormybitch,yourbitch,whosebitchandfucking,whichAmyphrasesaretypedasadsfogaeaegxclknuhy8tujlepy.sdopfighsi,diuhyftrgyer7ygandgolly.Ofcoursenobodyusesspellcheckcoziftheydid,theuserswouldnotrecognizethesuggestions.BillGatesneedstoinventauniversaliconthatsimplysignifies,fuckyouassholeandthenthesuggestiondepartmentwouldbeorganizedandquiteagain.

25. January14,2011at6:18amgegesays:

theworst6wordsyoucanuseinafirstmessageareallstupidslang

Famouslastwords.Intwentyyearstheywillbethemostintelligentwords.

Imean,lookatchristianity.Theystartedoutasabunchoflionfeed,andtheywentontogreatfortuneandfame,theirstrongholdonEuropeancivilizationonlyweakenedinthelast5060years.After2000gloriousandmostlycelibateyearsthattheirzenithlasted.

26. January17,2011at3:35amRosesays:

Forme,itsnotsomuchthatphysicalcomplimentsareabadthing,itsthatwhentheyaretherethereareusuallynoothercompliments.IdontmindwhensomeonetellsmeImprettywhens/healsosaysthatitsfascinatingthatImacomposerorthatImsmart.ButwithalltheinfothatIhaveaboutmyselfonmyprofile,ifallyouhavetosayisthatImprettyorIhaveanicesmile,andnothingaboutanythingelse,themessagethatsendsisthatmyvalueisinmylooksandallmytalentsandaccomplishmentsareunimportant.Seehowthatisntallthatflattering?Idontwanttodatesomeonewhotreatsmeasanobject,whoshouldbeseenandnotheard.

ThatswhatIthinkthisadvicetiesinto.Complimenthim/heronpersonalityratherthanlooks,mentionspecificinterestsallthatsuggeststhatyouvereadhis/herprofileandfinditintriguing.Notjustlookedathis/herphotosanddecidedthatthatisenough.Afterall,ifthe



photosareallyouneed,thenitkindofistruethatyouonlyvaluethepersonforhis/herlooks,right?

27. January17,2011at4:31amRosesays:

Also,dudeabovemeishilarious.Howmanyofthose452datesactuallyledtorelationships,orevenjustseconddates?ConsideringyourprofileisONEBIGLIE!

Andamagicformula?WomenarenotTheBorg.Weallhavedifferentthingswelike.Personally,Ifindwinkshighlycheesyandcantstandthem.Ialsodontliketextingwhensomeonecouldeasilycallme.

28. January17,2011at11:43pmHydraJensays:

Theresnothingmetalaboutbeingavegetarian.Justsayin

29. January18,2011at5:00pmbrendasays:

awkwerdisbetterilikesayingthat

30. January28,2011at5:43pmravenfairydustsays:

Considerbecominganatheistisaratherironicadvicecomingfromadatingsite,aplacewherepeopledemonstrativelyhavetroubleestablishingandmaintaininggoodrelationshipshencetheirpresence(andsubsequentfailure)here.Youknow,anotherinterpretationcouldbethatsomeonewhoISabletoestablisharelationshipwithanyoneincludingGodisthereforeunrelatabletothetypicaldatingsiteuser.

justsaying.

31. January28,2011at6:14pmBobbysays:

JuststartedouttryingthisonlinedatingsceneandIcantellyouitsalotharderthanitsounds,Imaguyandmusthavesentoutdozensanddozensofmessagesdoalldifferentandinterestingwomen.IdoNOTsendoutthetypicalmessagesthatmostdobycomingupwithoneor2paragraphsandmassemailingthemouttohundredsofwomen,Iactuallytakethetimetoreadtheirprofileandwritebacksomethingintorelationtowhattheirinterestsorfavoritemoviemightbe,ithasgottenmenowhere!!!!

32. January30,2011at6:18pmRichsays:

Ithinkitsreallyasadcommentaryonsociety,thatreligionseemstobeaturnoff.ImadethemistakeofmarryingsomeonewhowasnottrulyaChristianandithelpedtocontributetoanunhappyrelationshipbeforeshedivorcedme(shegotwhatshewantedkidsandhadnouseformeafterwards).MyfaithandbeliefsareextremelyimportanttomeandifIhavetowaitalongtimebeforeIfindsomeonewhosharesthosebeliefs,sobeit.

33. February1,2011at2:37amTimLsays:



Obviouslyatheistsaremorelikelytoshowuponthisonlinedatingsite.Ifindthatthetermisusefulasaproxyforcertaincharacteristics(especiallyforgirls,thoughobviouslyIdonthaveasmuchexperiencewithguysprofiles)multiplepiercings,shortpinkhair,fondnessforcertainuniquemusicgenres.Assuch,becauseIdontmatchwiththatpersonalitytype,IhavecheckedallbutatheistonreligionwhenIbrowse.Ithasnothingtodowithmyideology.Ijustliketoscreenoutcertaintypesofpeople.

Comparethissitetoaverage,secular,bigcitysociety.Ihavemanyfriendswhoarenonreligiousoronlynominallyreligious.Amongmyreligiousfriends,relativelyfewarevisiblyorvocallyreligious.Yetatthesametime,Ihaveonlyseveralfriends/acquaintanceswhowouldopenlydescribethemselvesasatheistsandvery/somewhatseriousaboutit.Ishouldaddthatthehandfulofvocalatheistsareallguys!

ImustemphasizeagainthatIhavenothingagainstatheism.Iamquiteskepticalmyselfonmattersofreligion.Butthatparticularfindingintheoutlineaboveisnotatallsurprising,andalsorepresentsoneofthemostsignificantdifferencesbetweentheOKCupidcommunityandthemainstream,20somethingurbancommunity.

34. February2,2011at5:06pmkenzie0913says:

IhavetosayIfoundthisveryinterestingtoread.IfoundmyselfthinkingaboutthemessagesIsendaswellastheonceIreceive.Ifeellikemostofitisprettyaccurate.IknowpersonallyIliketofeellikethepersonmessagingmeactuallyhasreadthroughmyprofileoratleastseemsreallyfriendlythenIwillrespond.Ofcoursethisstudydidnottakeotherfactorsintoconsiderationlikelooks.Iknowthatitishumannaturethatpeoplewilltakethatintoconsideration.Ifsomeoneisbetterlookingtheyareprobablymorelikelytorespondtoamessagethatisntasfriendlyorpersonal.Thatisjustaguess,butsomethingtopointout.WhenIwasscrollingthroughIsawtheydiddoastudywithlooks.IguessIllhavetocheckitout!

35. February2,2011at7:47pmCCsays:

IWILLNEVERDENYGOD!!EVER!

36. February2,2011at8:34pmCupidstrikesUsays:

Ibelievethedifficultyrestsupontheunnaturalmediumofawrittenmessageasitappliestotheambienceofdatingandfirstimpressions.Incommunicating,apersoncomprehendsmoreinwhattheyseenonverballythanwhattheyhearverbally.Inthislight,apersoncaneasilyjestusingalooktoinformtheircounterpartthattheyarenotbeingserious.Thisisthecourtship,sotospeak,offlirtingwithlightorhardsarcasmthatpromoteswitandcharm,interest,andotheraspectsthatallrelyheavilyuponeyecontactandnonverbalclues.

Mostofushavegrownuptoanatural,facetofaceapproachthatsimplycannotbeexpressedequallyinawrittenmessage.Howcanapersonbefunnyorcharismaticwhentheycantrollwordsofftheirtongue,rolltheireyes,giveacertainlookorafacialexpressionofahalfcrookedsmile?Inmostcases,itcannotbedone,andindoingso,peoplelosetheirmosteffectivewaytocommunicate.Thisresultsindifficultywithwhattosayinwrittenformbecauseitmustnotonlysoundlikeapersonissayingit,butitalsomustbesaidnonverbally,thusbecomingsomewhatunnatural.

Ineffect,ExactlyWhatToSayInAFirstMessageisacontradictionbecauseyoucannotsaysomethingthatiswritten.Tobeeffectiveinyourfirstmessage,justimaginethatyou



aretalkingtoablindperson,andyoucantalkonlylikearobot.Allyourwordswillcomeoutthesamemanner,tone,andstyle.Yourmessagecannotbeoverbloatedwithunnecessarywords.Theyshouldbeshort,simple,andconcise.Thespecificityshouldrelatetoacommoninterest,andnotcomplicatedwhichmeansonlyaskoneortwoquestion.Donotbecomeaninterrogator.

Thesituationwillbecomemoredifficultifyousucceedinthisfirstattempt,becausenowthenextstepisExactlyWhatToSayWhenSomeoneResponsesToYourFirstMessage.Inanotherwords,itwillbemuchmoredifficulttokeeptheflowgoing.Isuggestchangingthemediumassoonaspossibletothefacetofacemeetingwhereyouwillbeabletoutilizeyourbestability,thenonverbalcues.PhonesandIMsarefine,butwrittenmessageswillultimatelybecomedull.However,allthatisjustmyopinion.

37. February5,2011at3:15amMarksays:

Imnotclaimingtobeanexpertatthisbyanymeans.ImfairlycertainthatIminthetop20%ofmaleusersonherelookswise.Igetamessageeveryotherdayorso,mostlyfromwomenthatIamnotphysicallyattractedto.SowhenIdofindagirlthatIfindattractive,Istillhavetomessageherfirst.Shemayhaveviewedmyprofile,butImstilltakingtheinitiation.

Iwouldalsosaymysuccessrateonmessagesreturnedishigherthantheaverageaswell.Iprobablygetback3540%ofthemessagesIsendout,duetofactorslikelastloginin,thewomenImessageget9messagesaday,ect.

WhileIdonthaveacutanddrycopy/pastemessageIsendout(Imetawomanfromhere,andoverdrinks,shetoldmeherandherroommatearealwaysgettingthesameexactmessagesfrommen)Idotendtostickwiththesamebasicformula.

Hey,Howsitgoing?

Inoticed(yourinschool/likeeminem,hatepuppies)andImnowwondering(whenyougraduate,ifyoulikejayztoo,howmanypuppiesyouvemurdered).AndthentrytomakesomesortcommentthatshowsIhaveajokingsidetoo.

Im63,andthegirlItookoutfordrinksis411.

SomyfirstmessagetoherwasYoure411,howtallistootall?anditgeneratedaresponsewhileusuallysheisgettingahey,whatsup?orsomethingoverlycomplimentaryoroverlysexual.

38. February5,2011at6:12amAussenansichtsays:

(Firstsorryforbadusageoftheenglishlanguage,needmorepractice )

@Randy(Oct5th,2010)Iknow,thatsaoldpost.

Buthey,itstheonlyonemakessense

Therestofyouitisinterestinghowthisarticleisbeingmisunderstood.Andwhatshowsthesimplicityofthecommoncrowditisremarkablewhatthereactionsonthereligionspartofthearticleare.

Someofyouarereally,reallyblindedbythesunYouseethewordsgodandnoreligion



andimmediatelyyougetyourgunsandarereadytofight.Heynooneonthisarticlesaidsomethingbadaboutyourreligion.Andmaybethatstypicalamerican:notolerancetothenonbeliverthisremindsmeofthepeopleyourefightingagainstinyourwaronterror

Haveaniceday.

39. February5,2011at11:21pmcjsays:

IwilltakeastandforGodinallHisGloryforever..

40. February8,2011at2:35pmDorje013says:

@RDC,RDK,Micah:Yup,studysocialdynamics.Youandmebabyarenothingbutmammalsandasfarasmostpeoplego,theyhavenocontroloverwhetherornottheyareattractedtoyou.Ifyouwantachance,youmustcreateattraction,itisthemalesrole.Youshouldalsoconsiderwhyawomanmaynotbeattractedtowhoyoureallyareitisbecauseyouaredemonstratinglowersurvivalorsocialvaluewithyourbehavior.Ifyoucanunderstandit,youcanchangeit.Imnotsayingtopretendtobesomeoneyouarenot,butyourissuesarebeingbroughttolightandyounowhaveanopportunitytodecideifthisistrulyyouormaybeyoudliketochange?

Anyway,thisarticleisSOINCOMPLETEbecausethe#1factorinwhetheryouwillgetareplytoyourmessageisyourphotos.

41. February8,2011at3:06pmCGGsays:

WhatnoHowdy?

42. March15,2011at11:34pmhahaha!!says:

ToMarkabove.

IhavetoagreewiththemethodIhavebeenonOKCforaboutamonthnow.Thishaslandedmeaboutacoupleofdatesaweek.Igettobeveryselective,andIhaveastrictprotocolIfollow.Itypicallygetatleastamessageaday.Iwouldconsidermylookstobeaboveaverage,yetIalsocarrymyselfwelloutinpublic.Ifinditallofthistobeverysatisfyingandenjoyable.Ihaveatendencytohavefilledupmyinboxinthisshortamountoftime.

Butwhatisstrikingthemostaretheamountofhypocritesthatareoutthere.Yesladies,you..Whydoyouwinkatmewhenyouexplicitlystatethatyoudontlikeitandfinditcreepy.Whydoyouthinkitisokforyoutodoit??Alsodontsavesoyoucanwatchmecomeon,orwhenIsayhello,yousayyoujustsavedmetolookatmyprofilelaterpffft!!!right..hahahaha!!

Tooallthosepoorguysouttherethatarehavingsuchahardtime,gobackandreevaluateyourself.Gofindanalphaandpickupsomeideasthatwork.Iamnottalkingaboutpuffingoutyourchestandbeingjustphysicallystronger,butstartwithyourselfesteem.Thatcarrysalotofweight.LikemybuddysaysFaketillyoumakeit.

Anotherthing,IwishOkChadaanonymousbuttonwhereafteryouhadadate,youcanclickanoptionofifyouscored(gotlaid,.whateveryouwanttocallit)ornot.IwouldLOVEtoseethestatiscaldataonthis.Iwouldhavedingthatbuttonquiteafewtimesallready.



Ohyeah,,Ifeelreally,really,really,andImeanreallybadforyoushortguysoutthere,Ihavenever,seensuchdirectdiscriminationeverinmylifeIguessithelpswithmebeing64andconfident..remember,confidence!!,dontconfuseitforcockiness!

AllIhavetosayisTHANKYOUOkC!!!!

43. March16,2011at8:01amsoultrsays:

Ithinkyouneedtoalsolookatthecountriesthelettersarewrittentoorfrom.IfyouwritetoachristiancountryandtelltheladyyounotbelieveinGod,youwillgetfewresponces.

44. March17,2011at2:40amJustinsays:

WhyisiteverytimethattheOKCstaffpostsascientific(althoughhumorouslydisseminated)studyofsomesort,thesecommentsturnintoawhinefestaboutpeoplefeelingjadedaboutreligion,looks,thefactthatotherpeoplewontmessagethem,orwhateverelsetheyfeeltheneedtocomplainabout?

Thisarticlewasveryinformativeandtakeitforwhatitisananalysisofdatawhichmayormaynothelpyouinachievingmoreresponsestoyourmessages.

45. March21,2011at11:45pmGilinX9says:

Ithinkatheistzombiesarecoolandawesome,especiallywhentheydebateaboutmetaphysics.=]

46. March24,2011at9:32amEdsays:

Imsorrybutthisisallbullshit.

IvebeenanatheistsincemyteensandIdideverythinginthisbloginnatelyevenbeforereadingit.Imnotapersonthatgivescomplimentsforthesakeofgivingcompliments.AmIgettingwomentryingtomakeoutwithmeleftandright?No.Hell,Idkillforawomantotalkto!!

Faceit,Womenjustdonttakedatingwebsitesthatseriously,especiallyfreeones.Theydontuseitasameanstogetdates,theyuseitasameanstogetattention.Thatsthetruth.Theyjustdontgiveashit.

47. April9,2011at6:57amshellysays:

CoolinsightsIthinkmostaretrueonasubliminallevel.Thereshouldbeastudyoncodewordsthatwomenuselikecurvy,voluptuous,BBW,thick,orfullfiguredCanweallbehonestandlookagainattheveryadequate,universalword,FAT!Puhleeez.Overweightisoverweightpeople.Putdownthefoodandandyawonthavetocomeupwithsillycodewordsthattrytocoverupthefactthatfatisnotspelledfit.

48. April14,2011at12:00pmLSsays:



MaybeImintheminorityherebut,mostofthestuffaboutwhatwomenrespondtodoesntapplytomeatall.Idonthaveanyproblemwithbeingcomplimentedonmylooks.InfactIlikeit.Ialsolookforenthusiasm,sincerity,intelligenceanduniquenessinthemessage.Bottomlinethough,ifImnotattractedphysicallythenImnotgoingtorespond,althoughImightappreciatesomeoneseffort,andevenletthemknowthat.

49. April18,2011at9:02amAndrewsays:

Theheightdifferencemightbeduetointelligenceandincomedifference.Sociallyawkwardinternetusersaremorelikelytobemoreintelligentthanaverageandtocomefromamorepriviledgedbackgroundthantheaverageperson.Specifically,itisextremelyunlikelythatpeoplewithIQbelow80wouldbeactiveinternetusers.

50. April18,2011at12:49pmJoesays:

Ihavebeenalreadyusingalltheinfothatwassaidonhere.WelleverythingexceptforbeinganatheistbecauseImnot.Imagnostic.ButIstilldontgetanyreplies.IamnicewhenImessagesomeone.Itryandgivethemalittlebackgroundinfoonmyself.IdontcommentontheirlooksmostlybecauseIthinkitssortofsleazy.ImeanIammessagingyou.ThatrightthereshouldtellyouthatIthinkyouareattractive.ItrynottosaytomuchandItrynottosaytolittle.IalsodontsayanythingthatistopersonalandIdontjustputHelloorHayinthesubline.ItsnormallysomethingquickthathastodowithathingIlikedabouttheirprofile.IevenendwithsomethingnicelikeIcantwaittohearfromyou..

ButthenIcomebackthenextdaytoseetheyhavebeenloggedonatsomepointinthatdaysotheydidgetthemessageandthinkoktheyarebusy.ButafewdaysgobyandIdontevengetareply.Nowthatiswhatpissesmeoff!Atleastacknowledgemyfuckingexistence!Tellmeyouhavealreadymeetsomeoneoryoudontthinkwewouldgowelltogether.OrevenIthinkyouruglywouldbebetterthannothingatall!

IreplytoeverymessagethatcomesmywayevenifIdontlikethegirljustsosheknowsIatleastgothermessage.Iwouldexpectthewomentodothesame.

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