8/10/2019 Essay Comparison - IELTS 8.0 vs. 9.0

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IELTS WRITING MrBis IELTS Overall

ESSAY COMPARISONThis is my essay on an interesting topic Music. You can find the sample elsewhere online, yet I was not satisfied with that

answer, so here we are. The original essay contains no mistake when it comes to the 4 criteria (i.e. Task Achievement,

Coherence & Cohesion, Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range & Accuracy), so it was graded 8.0+ by an IELTS examiner. He

made some minor improvements to strengthen the arguments in order that the essay can reach 9.0 Bandscore.

The examiner is working in HCMC right now and he wishes to remain anonymous owing to the confidentiality agreement he

signed with British Council.

Feel free to read, analyse and distribute the material.

Bui Hai Anh MrBi

8/10/2019 Essay Comparison - IELTS 8.0 vs. 9.0

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IELTS WRITING MrBis IELTS Overall

There are many types of music in the world today. Why do we need music?Should we focus more on preserving traditionalmusic or is international music that is heard everywhere nowadays more useful to a society?

ORIGINAL WORK by MrBi

Bandscore: 8.0+

REVISED VERSION by an IELTS Examiner

Bandscore: 9.0Since the first appearance of modern human, music has always been an

integral part of everyday life. Along with the heterogeneity of life, many

genres of music have risen and fallen, of which some can withstand the

test of time, although they now have to struggle against the trendier

ones. However, both have their imprints on history.

Since the first appearance of modern humans, music has always been an integral part

of everyday life. Along with the heterogeneity of life, many genres of music have risen

and fallen, of which some can withstand the test of time, although they now have to

struggle against the trendier ones. However, both have their imprints on history.

Music is one of the indispensable parts of humanity. Even when being

unborn babies, people can listen to their mothers lullabies, which

accompany them in their childhood.They can feel the maternal love

and devotion via the melodies and rhythms, an important factor leading

to a better upbringing. When they grow up, music diversifies following

the multitude of sentiments ones experience in their lives.Music fillstheir lives withsensesof sympathy, even encourages them to strive for

the best and transcend the limits.

Music is one of the indispensable parts of humanity. Even unborn babies can listen

to their mothers lullabies in the womb, which will soon accompany them in their

childhood. They can feel the maternal love and devotion via the melodies and

rhythms, an important factor leading to a better upbringing. When they grow up ,

music diversifies the multitude of sentiments one experiences in life.Music fills

their lives with a sense

of sympathy, even encourages them to strive for the best andtranscend the limits of the life of the mundane.

Currently, it is widely perceived that folk music belongs to the seniors,

while the youth feel more comfortable with contemporary rhythms,

especially ones with global recognition. One explanation could be that

the elderly, living long enough to understand the true quality of life, often

appreciate the effort and the creativity of the ancestors, and traditional

music contains those, with all the legacy and history of a country

hidden below. In contrast, adolescents often desire to separate

themselves from their forebears, using modern music as one of the

instruments. Both views have their merits, and to foster a diverse

society, the two genres should receive support to develop, so that people

can enjoy the new musical achievements while understanding the life of

their ancestors.

Currently, it is widely perceived that folk music belongs to the seniors, while the youth

feel more comfortable with contemporary rhythms, especially ones with global

recognition. One explanation could be that the elderly, living long enough to

understand the true quality of life, often appreciate the effort and the creativity of their

ancestors, and traditional music contains such attributes with all the legacy and

history of both a countrys well known and beloved songs along with the more

esoteric and tacit meanings that older generations feel a special attachment to.

In contrast, adolescents often desire to separate themselves from their forebears, using

modern music as one of the instruments to proclaim their youthful independence.

Both views have their merits, and to foster a diverse society, the two genres should

receive support to develop, so that people can enjoy the new musical achievements of

the present while at the same time understanding the life of their ancestors.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that no one could live without the

effect of music. No matter whether it is traditional or modern music,

people should respect it to encourage the understanding between

generations.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that no one could live without the effects of

music. No matter whether it is traditional or modern music, people should respect it to

both encourage the understanding between generations and respect the

historical elements of tradition through such a beautiful vocal art.