enigme: black jokes

8/16/2019 enigme: black jokes

1/5

~1. In the middle of the ocean is a yacht. Several corpses are floating in the water nearby.~1. A bunch of people are on an ocean voyage in a yacht. One afternoon, they all decide togo swimming, so they put on swimsuits and dive off the side into the water. Unfortunately,they forget to set up a ladder on the side of the boat, so there s no way for them to climb bac!in, and they drown.

~". #ob and $arol and %ed and Alice all live in the same house. #ob and $arol go out to amovie, and when they return, Alice is lying dead on the floor in a puddle of water and glass.It is obvious that %ed !illed her but %ed is not prosecuted or severely punished.~". Alice is a goldfish& %ed is a cat.

~'. A woman comes home with a bag of groceries, gets the mail, and wal!s into the house.On the way to the !itchen, she goes through the living room and loo!s at her husband, whohad blown his brains out. She then continues to the !itchen, puts away the groceries, andma!es dinner.~'. %he husband !illed himself a while ago& it s his ashes in an urn on the mantelpiece thatthe wife loo!s at.

~(. A body is discovered in a par! in $hicago in the middle of summer. It has a fractureds!ull and many other bro!en bones, but the cause of death was hypothermia.~(. A poor peasant from somewhere in )urope wants desperately to get to the U.S. *othaving money for airfare, he stows away in the landing gear compartment of a +et. e dies ofhypothermia in mid-flight, and falls out when the landing gear compartment opens as the

plane ma!es its final approach.

~ . A man lives on the twelfth floor of an apartment building. )very morning he wa!es up,gets dressed, eats, goes to the elevator, ta!es it down to the lobby, and leaves the building forwor!. In the evening, he goes through the lobby to the elevator, and, if there is someone elsein the elevator /or if it was raining that day0 he goes bac! to his floor directly. owever, ifthere is nobody else in the elevator and it hasn t rained, he goes to the 1 th floor and wal!s uptwo flights of stairs to his room.

~ . %he man is a midget. e can t reach the upper elevator buttons, but he can as! people to push them for him. e can also push them with his umbrella.

~2. A woman has incontrovertible proof in court that her husband was murdered by her sister.%he +udge declares, 3%his is the strangest case I ve ever seen. %hough it s a cut-and-driedcase, this murderess cannot be punished.3~2. %he sisters are Siamese twins.

~4. A man wal!s into a bar and as!s for a drin!. %he bartender pulls out a gun and points it athim. %he man says, 3%han! you,3 and wal!s out.~4. %he man has hiccups& the bartender scares them away by pulling a gun.

~5. A man is in a returning from Swit6erland by train. If he had been in a non-smo!ing carhe would have died.

~5. %he man used to be blind& he s now returning from an eye operation which restored hissight. e s spent all his money on the operation, so when the train goes through a tunnel he at


2/5

first thin!s he s gone blind again and almost decides to !ill himself. 7ortunately, the light ofthe cigarettes people are smo!ing convinces him that he can still see.

~8. 9usic stops and a woman dies.~8. %he woman is a tightrope wal!er in a circus. er act consists of wal!ing the rope

blindfolded, accompanied by music. %he musician /organist, or calliopist, or pianist, orwhatever0 is supposed to stop playing when she reaches the end of the rope, telling her that it ssafe to step off onto the platform. 7or un!nown reasons /but with murderous intent0, he stopsthe music early, and she steps off the rope to her death.

~1 . A man goes into a restaurant, orders albatross, eats one bite, and !ills himself.~1 . %he man was in a ship that was wrec!ed on a desert island. :hen there was no foodleft, another passenger brought what he said was albatross but was really part of the man swife /who had died in the wrec!0. %he man suspects something fishy, so when they finallyreturn to civili6ation, he orders albatross, reali6es that what he ate before was his wife, and!ills himself.

~11. A man is found hanging in a loc!ed room with no furniture and a puddle of water underhis feet.~11. e stood on a bloc! of ice to hang himself.

~1". A man is dead in a puddle of blood and water on the floor of a loc!ed room.~1". e stabbed himself with an icicle.

~1'. A man is lying, dead, face down in the desert wearing a bac!pac!.~1'. e +umped out of an airplane, but his parachute failed to open.

~1(. A man is lying face down, dead, in the desert, with a match near his outstretched hand.e is nude.

~1(. e was with several others in a hot air balloon crossing the desert. %he balloon was punctured and they began to lose altitude. %hey tossed all their non-essentials overboard, thentheir clothing and food, but were still going to crash in the middle of the desert. 7inally, theydrew matches to see who would +ump over the side and save the others& this man lost.

~1 . A man is driving his car. e turns on the radio, listens for five minutes, turns around,goes home, and shoots his wife.~1 . %he radio program is one of the call-up-somebody-and-as!-them-a-;uestion contestshows& the announcer gives the phone number of the man s bedroom phone, and a male voiceanswers.

~12. A man driving his car turns on the radio. e then pulls over to the side of the road andshoots himself.~12. e wor!ed as a


3/5


4/5

out to dinner& afterward, on their front step, he !ills her. e opens the door, dragging her body in with him, and all the lights suddenly turn on and a group of his friends shout3Surprise@3 e !ills himself. /*ote that the whole first part, including the motive, isn t reallynecessary& it was +ust part of the original story.0

~" . Abel wal!s out of the ocean. $ain as!s him who he is, and Abel answers. $ain !illsAbel.~" . Abel is a prince of the island nation that he landed on. A cruel and warli!e prince, hewaged many land and naval battles along with his father the !ing. In one naval encounter,their ship san!, the !ing died, and the prince swam to a deserted island where he spent severalmonths. In the mean time, a regent was appointed to the island nation, and he brought peaceand prosperity. :hen Drince Abel returned to his !ingdom, $ain /a native fisherman0 reali6edthat the peace of the land would only be maintained if Abel did not reascend to his throne.

~"2. %wo men, one big and burly and the other short and thin, enter a bar. %hey both orderidentical drin!s. %he big one gulps his down and leaves& the other sips his slowly, then dies.~"2. %he drin!s contained poisoned ice cubes& the man who dran! slowly gave them time tomelt, while the other didn t.

~"4. =oe leaves his house, wearing a mas! and carrying an empty sac!. An hour later hereturns. %he sac! is now full. e goes into a room and turns out the lights.~"4. =oe is a !id who goes tric!-or-treating for alloween.

~"5. A man ta!es a two wee! cruise to 9e ico from the U.S. Shortly after he gets bac!, heta!es a three day cruise which doesn t stop at any other ports. e stays in his cabin all thetime on both cruises. As a result, he ma!es E" , .~"5. e s a smuggler. On the first cruise, someone brings the contraband to his cabin, and hehides it in an air conditioning duct. Feturning to the U.S., he leaves without the contraband,and so passes through customs with no trouble. On the second trip, he has the same cabin ofthe same ship. #ecause it doesn t stop anywhere, he doesn t have to go through customs whenhe returns, so he gets the contraband off safely.

~"8. ans and 7rit6 are German spies during :orld :ar II. %hey try to enter America, posing as returning tourists. ans is immediately arrested.~"8. ans and 7rit6 do everything right up until they re filling out a personal-informationform and have to write down their birthdays. 7rit6 birthday is, say, =uly 4, so he writes down4H4H1 . ans, however, was born on, say, =une " , so he writes down " H2H15 instead of what

an American would write, 2H" H15.~' . %im and Greg were tal!ing. %im said 3%he terror of flight3. Greg said 3%he gloom ofthe grave3. Greg was arrested.~' . Another ::II story. Greg is a German spy. is friend %im is suspicious, so he plays aword-association game with him. :hen %im says 3%he land of the free3, Greg responds with3%he home of the brave3. %hen %im says 3%he terror of flight3, and Greg says 3%he gloom ofthe grave3. Any U.S. citi6en !nows the first verse of the national anthem, but only a spywould have memori6ed all four verses.

~'1. A man is found dead in his par!ed car. %ire trac!s lead up to the car and away.


5/5

~'1. %he dead man was the driver in a hit-and-run accident which paraly6ed its victim. %hevictim did manage to get the license plate number of the car& now in a wheelchair, heeventually trac!ed down the driver and !illed him.

~'". A man dies in his own home.

~'". is home is a houseboat and he has run out of water while on an e tended cruise.

~''. A woman in Daris in 158 is waiting for her husband to come home. :hen he arrives,the house has burned to the ground and she s dead.~''. I m told this is a true story. :indows in Daris at that time were apparently imperfectlyflat& they could act as lenses. One particularly hot day, the sun shining in through such awindow caused a woman s lingerie /which she was wearing at the time, awaiting herhusband s return0 to catch fire, and eventually the entire house caught and burned.

~'(. A man gets onto an elevator. :hen the elevator stops, he !nows his wife is dead.~'(. e s leaving a hospital after visiting his wife, who s on heavy life-support. :hen the

power goes out, he !nows she can t live without the life-support systems /he assumes that ifthe emergency bac!up generator were wor!ing, the elevator wouldn t lose power0.

~' . A policeman follows a burglar into a bar. :hen he enters the bar he finds a set ofidentical twins, dressed the same, with the loot between them. After several minutes hearrests one of the twins.~' . #oth twins were wearing glasses. %he burglar, however, was wearing photosensitivesunglasses& the policeman noticed them changing shade and reali6ed the man must have +ustentered.

~'2. She lost her +ob when she invited them to dinner.~'2. Bet s say 3she3 is named Su6y, and 3they3 are named arry and =ane. arry is anelderly archaeologist who has found a very old s!eleton, which he s dubbed 3=ane3 /li!e3Bucy30. Su6y is a buyer for a museum& she s supposed to ma!e some sort of purchase from

arry, so she invites him to have a business dinner with her /at a restaurant0. :hen she callsto invite him, he !eeps tal!ing about 3=ane,3 so Su6y assumes that =ane is his wife and says to

bring her along. arry, offended, calls Su6y s boss and complains& since Su6y should ve!nown who =ane was, she gets fired.

~'4. e couldn t find a chair, so he died.~'4. %he man was a lion tamer.

~'5. A car without a driver moves& a man dies.~'5. %he murderer set the car on a slope above the hot dog stand where the victim wor!s. ethen wedged an ice bloc! in the car to !eep the bra!e pedal down, and put the car in neutral.%he murderer then flew to another city to avoid suspicion. It was a rainy day but warmenough for the ice to melt. :hen the ice melted, the car rolled down the hill and struc! thehot dog man at his roadside stand, !illing him.

enigme: black jokes

Documents