embracing · 2019. 5. 8. · embracing singleness & loneliness howto survive the settling...

EmbracingSingleness & Loneliness

You’re Not Alone! Others Are or Have Been Exactly Where You Are!

Presented by Blessed Magazine

When you make the

decision to be single and

actively wait for God’s

plan to unfold, you’re

excited to pursue His

plan for your life and not

deciding to worry about

marriage.

Embracing Singleness & Loneliness

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Contents

Introduction

05

Everything is not always how it appears

06

Live Already!!!

09

Is It Necessary to Keep Praying for a Spouse?

10

Does Looking For Love Make You Desperate?

12

Should I be specific about what I want in a spouse?

13

How do I win at relationships?

14

How to Survive the Settling Season

15

How can I be happy waiting so long?

18


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Time is running out. . . The clock is ticking. . . you‟re approaching or

crossed over 40 years old and still no mate. What do you do?

Today, we are answering questions from single Christians who are

trying desperately to continue to believe in love and marriage, done the

right way. Not because they stole somebody‟s husband/wife, not

because they continue to give themselves away to the first person who

shows interest, and not because they will settle for less than they

deserve. They want to be a good mate, married to a good person, so they

can grow a great marriage. So, they‟ve reached out for some advice.

What we offer is just our two cents, which comes from hearing from

God, working in marriage ministry, and counseling individuals. Please

don‟t take our responses as the final answer to your questions. Only God

can reveal that to you. We‟re just offering encouragement from our

perspective, which hopefully, will lead you closer to the One who

knows you best…..GOD


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Everything is not always how it appears

The problem in many of our circles, church groups, and even on social

media, is that we want to portray that everything in our lives are fine.

That since we have a relationship with God and a prayer life, that it

must be good all day, everyday. Sometimes it‟s not fine though, and it‟s

healthy to express how you feel instead of sweeping it under the rug in

your heart and carry the burdens on your own. I am not obligated to

carry these feelings, for God says many times in His word that He will

not leave us alone and that He is always with us. When I was in denial

about being lonely, I was holding onto a lie, that I was letting ruin my

life. I may have felt a lonely moment, but it was only going to get worse

if I didn‟t do something about it.

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”-Matthew 11:28

People—including singles, are in denial about all kinds of things. We

are powerful and resilient, consecrated for the Lord‟s purposes, but we

are human too. We have feelings and we get in them, depending on the

situation. You could be having a good day, until you find out that

someone you know is getting married and it‟s not to you. You could be


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in denial about being hurt, which then leads us to act out of defense and

fear instead of real love which is willing to trust and give. Admit them to

God, and let His light shine on the issue to scatter the darkness.

Denial will cause you to see yourself differently

You may even be in denial about being attracted to someone and not sure

how to approach them/respond to them. Again, all these circumstances can

be handled by bringing everything to God first. The longer that you choose

to deny how you feel about something, the more it eats away at your peace.

Denial of an issue that you have, will eventually show itself to others, to

the point that it‟s hard to avoid or look over.

It would be in your benefit to take some time for self evaluation and

confess anything that you may be dealing with. God knows what you are

feeling already, but when you hide the issue, you‟re saying that you‟re in

“control” of what will become an out of control burden for your life. The

sooner we shed the light on what‟s bothering us for real, the better chances

of being less miserable, stewing in the midst of unnecessary anxiety.

Take your issues to God first, then if you need to, talk with friend or family

member who you can trust and can pray with. It‟s


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recommended in James 5:16 to “Confess your sins to each other and

pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Here‟s to a new you

with being free from burdens we‟ve used to hold on to, and

embracing those new opportunities to grow.

Tatianah Green


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Live Already!

Paul stated in 1 Corinthians

7:27 “Are you unmarried?

Stop looking for a spouse!”

When you are solely focused

on finding a wife or waiting

on a husband with nothing

else going on, you‟re essentially wasting your best days. Singles have so

much freedom, and this is the best time to live and enjoy life. Not as the

world enjoys life per say, but to live a life that is fulfilling and benefiting to

your spirit and God‟s purposes.

Overcome fears, learn new skills, or try new things outside of your comfort

zone. Serve the Lord in new and fun ways that fit your personality and skill

set best. So many of us are stuck because of family, job situation, school,

living situation, but don‟t let anything limit you. Declare that you will live

and let God impart ideas into you to get going and enjoying your life in this

season.

Ultimately you want to actively wait without letting singleness be a burden

to carry, but a badge of honor. Your contentment will be contagious and you

will attract the right people into your life.

Tatianah Green


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Q: Is it necessary to keep praying for a spouse

year after year?

A: I believe in prayer with my whole heart. Prayer

changes things! But sometimes we use prayer as a

crutch and as an excuse to remain unhappy and

stagnant. You don‟t have to get on your knees

every day, year after year praying for a spouse.

That is not necessary. God heard you the first

time. When you continue to pray like that (which

actually turns into begging), you start doubting

whether or not God will answer your prayer.

You create a spirit of desperation that undermines your faith. I know about

this personally. My husband and I tried to have a child for 10 years. I

prayed and cried and prayed and cried. After about 5 years I noticed I was

developing a “woe is me” spirit that affected everything in my life. My

prayers had turned into a pity party. Around the 7th year, I stopped praying

for a baby and started praying for God‟s will to be done in my life.

There is a difference. So, make your request known with an expectant and

grateful heart, and then keep it moving. God heard you the first time you

prayed. If He doesn‟t respond right away, trust that He has a good reason

for delaying the answer. More than you desire a spouse, desire God‟s will

for your life. So, in short: pray but don‟t beg.

Dr. Michelle Johnson


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Does Looking For Love Make You Desperate?

It seems nowadays that we reward individuals who say things like:

“I don’t have time for a man/woman. I got goals!”

“Who needs a relationship? I’m happy being single.”

“I don’t NEED anyone. I’m not desperate!”

These statements brag about being single and kicking people out of your

life like it‟s an accomplishment.

Now I know you‟d rather be single than settle for a less-than-fabulous

relationship, but can we get real for a moment?

Do you really believe you don’t need companionship? Do you

think a man will hinder you from accomplishing your goals? Are you

really happy being single, or is it just a front you put on because

everyone else is saying it?


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Here’s what I know: If you tell yourself

you don’t need a relationship, you will

not do what it takes to get one.

It‟s called self-sabotage and it could be

the one thing standing in your way to

attracting the right person into your life.

There’s nothing desperate about

looking for love. You were made to give

and receive love! In fact, God expects you

to want a relationship.

He said, “it‟s not good for man to be alone,” and then created the perfect

match for Adam. Relationships were God‟s idea!

Staying single for life is a gift. It‟s a calling and anointing and everybody

doesn‟t have it!

It‟s time to get honest about what you desire and then do what it takes to go

after it and get it. That‟s not desperate. That‟s smart.

Aesha Adams Roberts


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Q: Should I be specific about what

I want in a spouse?

A: Yes and no. Most people think

they know what they want and need

in a spouse, but they only know the

half of it, if that. I encourage singles

and married couples to pray for the

spiritual, emotional, and behavioral

qualities they desire and let God

work out the details.

For example, pray for a hard

working man and leave his place of

employment up to God. If you limit

yourself to a certain profession, you

might miss your dream guy. Pray

for a spouse who enjoys learning

and experiencing culture; God will

determine if he/she needs a college degree. There are plenty of “educated”

spouses who have no knowledge about loving another person. Pray for the

big picture — trustworthiness, work ethic, humility, loyalty, etc. — and

God will arrange the details.



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Q: How do I win at relationships?

A: Your primary relationship should

be with God. Who is He in your life?

Work on answering that question

each day. The second most important

relationship is with the self. Who am

I? Get to know who you are so you

aren‟t seeking validation from another person.

You definitely don‟t want to go into marriage expecting your spouse to give

you an identity. That‟s draining for both people. It‟s better to go into

marriage feeling like a winner already, even if you are still a work in

process. There‟s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone

who sees themselves as a loser. They mope around, complain, and suck the

life out of everybody around them.

On the other hand, a winner goes into situations beforehand expecting

victory. Winners in life and winners in marriage expect victory, but first and

foremost, they make a decision to do their work. Work with God, and work

on you!



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How to Survive the Settling Season

Just because you‟re single, doesn‟t mean

you‟re desperate or willing to settle. Once

you‟re at a certain age (I‟d say 25+) there are

certain expectations set for you. You‟re out of

college, into your career and single.

Meanwhile, every time you log on to

Facebook someone is getting married. After so

many engagement stories and wedding photos,

it‟s normal to become impatient and start looking for Mr./Mrs. Right in all

the WRONG places. That old “always the bridesmaid/groomsman, never the

bride/groom” cliché starts replaying over and over in your head.

Then one day, while you‟re minding your business someone asks the most

annoying question: WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?

If anyone understands the „single struggle‟ it‟s ME! I‟ve gotten a ring before

and that was the easy part..being willing to wait for the right person is the

challenge. So, what about when you‟re not willing to settle for just anyone?

What about when you want to hold out for the real thing…the one who gives

you butterflies when their name pops up on your phone (Remember

butterflies? Haven‟t had those in foreverrrrrrr!)

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It‟s crazy to me that anyone would rather spend a night out with ANYONE

than to be alone. My epiphany came from a conversation with my sister

when she said “If I was going to settle, I would have done it years ago..the

years for settling have passed.” So, out of my disgust for desperation, I

coined the term „settling season.‟

I Challenge You to Survive Settling Season

Don’t date out of desperation. If you have NO real interest in someone,

please don‟t go along for a free meal. There isn‟t a restaurant in the world

worth wasting your time. If you really just want a nice night out, treat

yourself! Plus, it‟s just plain rude to waste someone‟s time if there is really

no interest. That‟s called playing games and AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME

FOR THAT!

I know it’s easier said than done, so I came up with a few tips to help

you get through settling season with your emotions intact…..

Get a Hobby

Make lot‟s of friends

Read a book

And finally, become Who You Want to Be With…


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Instead of spending countless hours worrying about when Mr./Mrs. Right isgoing to finally show their face, spend time becoming Mr./Mrs. Right.

What are your areas of need? In what ways can you afford to improve? Takea really good look within and then take action. Create concrete goals foryourself and then come up with a real plan to achieve them. Are you finallyready to shed those last 10 pounds? Are you really ready to learn how tocook? Are you ready to forgive someone who hurt you? Are you finallyready to get rid of the baggage you’ve been carrying for the last 5years? WHAT IS IT that you can work on NOW? Once you’ve done a self-check and created your self-improvement plan, surround yourself with like-minded people who are moving in the same direction.

These are just a few of the ways that I’m confidently overcoming settlingseason! I know my worth and I know what I’m bringing to the table. I won’twaste my time with individuals in whom I know I’m not generally interestedin...that’s the lesson I learned from almost marrying one! Stay strong andstick it out because settling is for suckers! Take it from me…….


BMWK Staff

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Q: How can I be happy

waiting so long?

Decide to be happy and then

do it. If you aren‟t happy

single, then you will not be

happy married. Whatever

holes you have in your heart

now as a single person will

only deepen and expand in

marriage. Why? Because you are expecting your spouse to fill the holes for

you and then that causes more pain and heartache when he/she can‟t. God

completes you; a spouse compliments you.

Don‟t get the two confused. Whether single or married, your happiness is not

determined by another person. Once you develop a good relationship with

God and with yourself, then you will begin to experience joy and fulfillment

in your life. From there, you will attract someone who has similar spiritual

and emotional stability.

So, just to recap. You don‟t have to beg God for a spouse. Pray with

sincerity for the spiritual, emotional, and behavioral qualities you desire in a


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mate, and then get off your knees and start living on purpose. Trust God

to arrange the details and to deliver the blessing. In the meantime, work

on building your relationship with God and on getting to know yourself.

Live each day thankful for what you do have and do not worried about

what you don‟t have.



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embracing · 2019. 5. 8. · embracing singleness & loneliness howto survive the settling...

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