<Irie the Killer Flame> regains consciousness.

Lomias, the Messenger from Vindale:…You’re…you’re awake already? Remarkable. I was beginning to worry that nursing a lowly adventurer would bring our travels to a halt.

<His choice of words makes him sound like a proper prick, but the tone of voice betrays his concern.>

Lomias continues to ramble on how lucky he was to be found by them in a very eloquent way.

He then explains he is an Elea, and that his partner had tended to your mortal wound, saving you.

<Irie is confused.>

Larnneire the Listener of the Wind: You talk far too much, Lomias, even when your listener is in a daze.

*I take a minute to process everything.*Uh, oh, okay. So you saved me, thank you. That lady nursed me back from a mortal wound. Thank you too. Um, so the reason why I feel like a million bricks is because I’ve managed to avoid drowning? That’s cool, I guess. So I’m… I’m… who am I?

Lomias: Wait, you don’t remember who you are?

One awkward session later of trying to teach me the basics again happens.

Lomias: So, just eat this now.

The corpse looks dubious, but I’m too hungry to care right now…

Wait… This texture, taste, it’s sort of weird. Reminds me of something… I don’t know… It’s human? HUMAN?! Mmhm. It’s sort of gushy and nice, though… wait why are you thinking this it’s HUMAN, this is so wrong- No, it can’t be, it’s definitely human, oh EythdidIjustdothatwhatnoIdon’tevenknow-

*brief panic attack*

That’s it, I’m never trusting you ever again.

Nothing really happens except ignoring orders and stashing until Lomias summons putits. Three of them. And then I discover I really, really suck at this fighting thing. Two went down before I had to run like a madman around my house on the last legs of my life running from the last one. I’m not sure what happened after that, but Lomias looked terrified and it was dead, so I have no complaints.

<You finished the tutorial!>

I decided to talk to the girl, and she started telling me about Vernis and stuffs. She’s an eccentric one.

Well, I don’t know where, what or who I am, and I’m kind of stressed, so I think I’ll go to this town, Vernis, the one they’re talking about. Thankfully it seems to be near, so I shouldn’t have any troubles reaching it. From there, I’ll decide what to do, I guess.

But first of all, they seem to think that this place is my home. I don’t like it, but I don’t have a house, so I’m going to search somewhere else for one to stay in for the time being. Not after long, I found this

pretty cape with a hidden cave in it that had snow that looked like part of a collapsed building, a lab or something. It was pretty high up, but it’s worth it-it’s cozy.

Alright, time to go to town…

Little Girl: Hey! How convenient, a perfect sucker, and just in time. You’re mine!

Suddenly, a small girl appeared. She ran up to me, promptly dragged me by the arm and ducked out of town before I could say anything…

Irie: Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!

Monatony: That doesn’t matter, servant, no attitude from you! From now on, you’re my personal slave, and you’re going to refer to me as ‘Mistress’!

Irie: W-what?! You can’t keep me here, I know my Rights!

Monatony: Shuddup, servant. Maybe, but obviously you don’t know much about MY Law.

*well-aimed kick*

You have the right to be ventilated. I have the right to burn your home and shoot your dog. Do you understand your rights as I have read them to you?

Irie:*groaning in pain* YES YES PLEASE! Eythdammit you bloody daughter of a-

Monatony: What was that?

Irie: N-Nothing!

Monatony: Then shut the hell up.

Well. This is a nice start. Suddenly I’m the pet of some crazy woman who has enough STR to keep me here by force. It still hurts, you know. Oh, and did I mention she’s being chased by a bunch of people for Eyth-knows-what? Either way, it meant that we had to resort to hiding in some dungeon for safety, the Puppy Cave, that’s what she said. And I still don’t know anything about her, or myself, for that matter.

…It kind of looks dangerous.

HOLY MOTHER OF EYTH THESE ARE STRONG HELP ME

Thankfully, my newest ‘buddy’ appears to be fairly strong, and slaughters much easily. Unfortunately, both of us have to eventually bail. It seems that our pursuit has left us, though, so we’re in luck.

…I really, really suck. That’s it. My first resolve is going to train myself. I can’t bear to see my miserable punches not actually hitting anything anymore and I want to ditch this useless staff. I’m going to go back in and TRAIN.

But first, I think I want to read that funny book I found in that room back in the dungeon.

Going back to Vernis, Monatony, thankfully, ran off to do some other stuff that I’m not particularly concerned about but thank Eyth that at least she’s gone. That leaves me free to explore and do stuff in Vernis.

I noticed a bar, so I decided to take a look. A barkeeper approached me after she noticed me wandering around. I tried to avoid her, noticing that everyone else’s eyes were fixated on her, or at least some part of her anatomy, but she pulled me over and started talking anyway.

I’m a nice guy, so I can’t say no. However, I’m decidedly not up to the task of crime-fighting yet. Another reason to keep training, I guess.

After that, the magical artifacts shop caught my eye. Lo and behold, A spellbook of harvest. Who cares about funds, this is more important.

Monatony reappeared again before I could do anything else, and kindly informed me that we were supposed to go get supplies for travelling, so I went to the inn for them. The innkeeper gave me this look of solemn pity. I guess Monatony has a pretty infamous reputation here, huh?

After that, it’s dungeon-crawling time again.

Things immediately went sour. Monatony went down, quickly- the last thing she said made me feel kind of miserable and actually sorry for her, until I realized she had faked fainting, and while the mob focused their attention on me, got up and just ran up the stairs, leaving me to die a horrible death by bludgeoning. The Kobold looks terrifying, and it’s just a few steps away now…

They start pounding me into the ground…

I’m not sure what happened-there was a flurry of blows and I’m awfully tired, but what matters is that

I’m ALIVE so I’m getting the hell out of here.

I went back to Vernis. Monatony was there, looking at me sheepishly. I demanded we get some proper weapons. She didn’t object.

I left Monatony to get her own equipment and went shopping. However, the only thing I could afford was a pretty bronze shuriken in the blacksmith’s shop, so I took it and then we were back to running the Puppy Cave.

Before long, I was ambushed by one of those damn kobolds again. His gnarly grin disgusts me.

The shuriken is VERY useful. It does a heckload of damage and on top of that It causes bleeding, so I don’t have to worry about those hermit crabs with an ignoble amount of defense. I feel much more efficient. I didn’t even need to turn my back. I did, however, see Monatony, with a new katana of her own grinning away like one of those monsters herself at her own corner of the corridor. Great, so not only am I stuck with a girl who lords over me, but she’s a sadist to boot. I foresee lots of pain in the future, but currently, it’s a boon since she’s taking out her violent cravings on the enemies instead of me, so I don’t have anything to complain about.

Except for the fact that I don’t remember doors being this hard to open.

Seeing as I wasn’t as incompetent as before, I let the pride go to my head. In return, I felt a surge of courage. I regretted it almost immediately.

Irie: Why am I following you again, mistress?

Monatony: *punt* Mind your manners, insect. I am your glorious leader.

Irie: *in pain*

Monatony: You’re following me because you have nowhere else to go. No one really comes to Vernis, especially no one really new unless they’re adventurers. And there are only three kinds of adventurers; Ones that go into the business because they have nowhere else to go, no matter what the reason, ones that do it for the fame and the heroics, and ones that get into adventuring for the money. I’m the third kind. Either way, Adventurers rarely go alone, since exploring is highly dangerous, and I’m far too delicate for a solo job.

When you stumbled into Vernis, all draggled and lost, it was obvious which kind you were.

Yes, threaten the girl who dual-wields greatswords and is capable of punching goblins into a veritable pulp. Do just that, you bloody idiot.

I was quite trashed after that, so I went to sleep.

Is it normal to spontaneously learn spells and get better at magic in sleep? Guh, who cares, thinking about it too much will break my brain.

THE POWER OF A GOOD NIGHT’S REST. Never underestimate it. Oddly enough, I didn’t feel any stronger, though, unlike what other adventurers seem to say.

The next days were pretty much a repeat of day one.

I did find an interesting book, though. It seems to have been written by some person named Rachel, the second in the series.

It’s a really nice story, something about a pink alligator. It’s a little morbid, but it has to be in order to bring over the reality of life...

And then Monatony started complaining about money and dragged me over to the Town Board.

Monatony: Alright, first step of getting rich, we gotta take requests. The townspeople post stuff they’re too lazy to do here, and it’s our job to do them to get our glorious money. Huh? What’s after that? Well, who knows, but we get profit! Now work for me, slave!

…And so began a lot of escorting, fetching and sending, and hunting. I’m unable to do the performance tasks, but I’m sure Monatony would have forced me into those if she could.

I ended up in Palmia, eventually, heading east from Vernis. Palmia’s a thriving city- it’s the pride of this continent as so I’ve heard, and the lavish streets say as much. Monatony allowed me a brief respite, so I was able to appreciate the city for once instead of dashing in and out of it like a madman to fulfill deliveries.

…Hey, I have 16 platinum coins, enough for a skill. I should go get one from a skill trainer. Seeing as I can barely carry my own weight, I should get the Weight Lifting skill, but it’s not present in this city’s skill trainer. Which means…

Next stop, Yowyn. I don’t like this place… it’s so rural, or something. I think the creepy white girl that’s following me isn’t helping either. There’s only one thing to do to make myself a happy tourist.

Why, buy a souvenir of course!

It was back to Palmia after that. This time, we came through the front gate and Monatony noticed the casino. Luckily for me, she didn’t know how to play blackjack. Not so luckily for me, she demanded I play a few rounds to show her how to. And she demands that I do not waste any of her chips at all, lest I receive… punishment. This is my first time actually playing it, even although I know the rules.. She’s doing this to a luck-based game. Expecting me to win. All the games. I’m doomed. I hope she’s not going to feed me to the fishes, I hate drowning, even although I can’t remember for my life why I don’t.

Well, here goes, anyway.

Somehow, I didn’t die. The dealer gave me some green potions and then went on his way, somewhat grumpily. I don’t know why, but the lucid emerald the potion shone was enough to get me to the town wizard to identify it. Potion of cure corruption. Seems useful…

Looking at the gleaming fluid, it reminded me of something else.

Irie: Mistress, sorry to interrupt but…

Monatony: Yes, my sweet? Spit it out or your tongue is forfeit.

Irie: G-gah! Um… yeah, I wanted to ask, why is the fountain a luminous colour?

Monatony: That’s because people dump all sorts of stuff in it. Don’t worry, it’s safe to drink.

Irie: It’s glowing the colour of greenish puke.

Monatony: Yeah, and? It’s still safe. Here, if you don’t believe me, have a quaff. *shove*

Irie: NODON’T I’M SO-*gurgle*

Irie: Ugh… That tasted… tasted… quite nice, actually.

Monatony: H-hey, wait, I was just kidding! Kidding! The last time I drank from it I got temporarily blinded! No, don’t drink any more of that!

Irie: *giggles* *dunks head in fountain*

After things cooled down, we went questing again… or at least we tried to. There wasn’t anything suitable for us in Palmia, and nothing but the tougher quests were left. Monatony would have none of it.

Monatony: I don’t see why you have any issues. It’s in Vernis, the only town that is closer to that is Yowyn. It has a TEN DAY DEADLINE.

Irie: It’s red. It has two stars. There’s no way we can handle an escort mission like that. What if we get ambushed?!

Monatony: If you hurry we won’t. Now screw your courage to the sticking-place and let’s go, you pansy.

Monatony: …

Irie: *Shuddering and glancing about in fright*

He’s riding a horse…IT’S THE ASSASS- Oh, wait, sorry sir.

He’s walking funny… IT’S TH- Oh, it’s only a tree.

Monatony: Will you st-

Irie: IT’S THE ASSAS- Oh, Monotony, it’s just you.

Monatony: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘JUST’?! STAND RIGHT THERE, YOU IMBECILE!

Irie: Damn. *starts running*

Monatony: See, nothing happened.

Irie: Yeah… but still…

Monatony: Okay, now let’s go try a two-star Hunting quest.

Irie: W-Wait, wait, WHAT?! No, don’t don’t don’t-

Monatony: Silence! You worried as much the last time, but nothing happened and we’re still here!

Irie: Hunting quests are harder than escort ones. And the monsters will gang up on you…

Monatony: There’s nothing to be worried about.

Irie: What if we die?

Monatony:Oh please, I wouldn’t even die even if the king killed me, and if you die, I could always get another slave.

Irie: …

Understatement of the year.

Irie: I’m dying Monotony.

Monatony: MARIN !#%$#ING KARIN!

Irie: :<

Game: Thou art dead.

Death is not a hunter unbeknownst to its prey…

(Note:*cough* You are about to be ‘burried’ :////)

Of course it hurt like hell. As per usual, I collapsed before long all to the assault of those miserable zombies. But as I lay in the mushy soil while the monsters continued to pound me, I caught a glimpse of something scurrying away. Monatony.

I refuse to let this conquer me.

That bloody woman will die by my hand BE IT THE LAST THING THAT I DO.

Irie: …

And Eythdammit that woman is nowhere to be seen.

I head back to town. People give me looks. Considering my current state, I’m not too surprised.

<Picture goes here. It’s night/dawn. He’s soaked to the skin with a mixture of blood and rain, some of his clothing has been burnt off, is missing patches of skin, beat up, and looking bloodthirsty with all the mana-infused eyes of a royally angry fire-breathing elea. I wish the previous picture could’ve included fire, and there WAS, during the rain, because I set some skin on fire, but I forgot to take a picture before the rain put it out.>

I’m tired. Things will make sense in the morning...

----

It’s back to working at quests for money again after that. Reasonable quests that aren’t too much of a challenge. Monatony still hasn’t appeared yet, and I’m glad for that. I don’t think I can stand her face right now without doing something that I might regret. Going to jail is never fun.

Nothing was out of the ordinary after that, until Ahez, the general vendor approached me while I was poring over the town board.

Ahez: Hello there. You’re the one Monatony has been pulling around these days, right?

Irie: Yes, that’s correct, is there anything?

Ahez: Could you do me a favour?

Irie: I’ll hear it out.

Ahez: Take care of her for me. I know she may be a little bossy at times, but she’s always wanted to be a hero. Adventuring is a dangerous passion, and is considered by most in this village to be a sign of insanity, but for her, it was her passion. She has been ostracized by both her family and friends ever since she voiced the wish, but she’s insisted on it despite their discouragement. Before you came, she’s been hanging off every adventuring party that went past by here, but all of them so far have rejected her. The last time, she even resorted to drugging the party leader of a travelling troupe. She’s sacrificed a lot for this, and has been really looking forward to this chance, so please let her succeed for my sake, alright?

Irie: …Understood.

Ahez: Thank goodness I was able to catch you without her. She would kill me if she found out I told you this. I know she has her pride, but I’m just concerned for her well-being.

Great. Now I feel a little bad for her. It’s not like she could have stuck with me and died, anyway. That’s pretty unreasonable, and selfish.

Monatony reappeared right after that. She found me at one of the corners of Vernis, gulping down sludgy water from one of the wells. She looked like she had been crying or something, judging from the tear stains on her cheeks. There was an awkward silence, and then…

Monatony: DIDN’T I TELL YOU NOT TO DRINK FROM THOSE KINDS OF PLACES YOU MISERABLE INSECT?!

Irie: *hic* Eheheh… OWWWWWWWWW-

Even if her kicks hurt, I guess she still has her spunk, I suppose. While I was busy writhing in pain on the ground, she started jabbering about something like rightful heirship, and that’s why we’re on the road to the Embassy next.

The embassy is very… formal. It almost looks like a miniature castle in itself.

Turns out she was talking about a deed of Heirship. She explained that her late grandfather, a retired adventurer had left her something and she’d only just remembered it, but to claim it, she needed a deed to substantiate her right to it.

*opens heir trunk*

Irie: There’s some equipment, books and miscellaneous items here... Wow, your grandfather must have been really awesome. Unfortunately, the document only allows us to retrieve two of these things, and we’ll have to purchase another one to take more. Ugh, why can’t they just do it all at once…

Monatony: That’s because they’re money-loving b#%$#%3s, tax collectors and all. We’ll take the boots and the grenade, please. Now give me both of them.

Irie: Grenade, I can understand, but why boots?

Monatony: These aren’t any ordinary pair of boots. Seven league boots allow you to travel far more quickly than normal. I’ll be able to finish the delivery quests that I couldn’t before with it. That is a significant boon.

Three hours later, she promptly realized she couldn’t throw for nuts after nailing herself and me in the face with a practice stone a few times, dropping it on her toes on the others, and giving herself a concussion on the final throw. She also realized the boots were too large for her and unsuitable for running, which inevitably left me with the option to carry both items. Who wouldn’t say no to that?

Feeling slightly more confident due to her added insurance, Monatony suggested we attempt the Robber’s Hideout. They would never see it coming.

Monatony: They wouldn’t mind, really. After all, everyone loves explosions.

Irie: I’m sure they would appreciate the kind thought, milady.

One gratuitous display of fireworks later, we cleared the hideout and looted it for the stuff to sell. This will make a good storage warehouse. Noticing that we had enough platinum coins, I opted to take Lock Picking, and then retired for the night.

---

The next morning, Monatony woke me up with her screaming about treasure maps. I would doubt the credibility of the treasure found in a dream, but there’s always the possibility that a wizard did it. Either way, I was dragged to Eyth knows where off the edge of Palmia and ordered to dig.

What can I say? One of the rings feels like it’s radiating an aura of power… Monatony, however, wasn’t pleased with the piece of loot, annoyed with it being ‘worthless cheap junk’ amongst the rest of the gold rings which would surely sell for a high price, so she tossed the emerald ring over to me when I insisted on it. The more I turn it around in my hand, the more soothing it seems. I’m keeping the precious thing, and no one’s allowed to touch it.

Our next request was unconventional, tasking us with the job of capturing monsters for the good of Science. I had come across the monster balls required for the job occasionally, but I have never actually used one. Either way, where else to find monsters but in tall grass?

Irie: W-wha?! The ball is inert?!

Monatony: You’re supposed to weaken the monster first, pitiful slave. Now leave it all to me.

Irie: That was a really nice shot, but did you really have to kill it?

Monatony: Shut up, it’s the rule of cool. Let’s go find some more monsters.

Needless to say, monster-hunting was a harder job than I had estimated it to be.

Eventually, we do capture a hermit crab. Four more to go. One needs to wonder, though, even at five percent, why a significantly larger hermit crab cannot break out from the confines of a miniature capture sphere. Monatony is intrigued by this fact. Either way, I shove the monster into my pocket and go looking for others.

Done. These things are heavy, though.

Monatony: FEAR US, WE HAVE BALLS OF STEEL!

Wait a second! Gene splicing machine?! That’s disturbing on so many levels that it’s not even funny, AND it’s just replacing something heavy with something that’s even MORE heavy. I don’t get a choice, so I lug it back home as new décor. Ugh… my back still hurts from that…

After that it’s back to running the puppy cave and quests again for training…

This is odd. A fountain in a cave. That, and wizard needs food badly. Dungeons don’t allow you to eat cargo supplies in peace, so we’ll have to back off soon. I wonder if the water will help with the hunger pangs, so when Monatony’s back is turned…

Safe to say, it did, but…

Irie: I feel… weird...

Monatony: Hey, when did your eyes ever start glowing? H-hey, don’t freak me out, stop that.

I don’t know either. We stand there looking at each other for a long time. Eventually, I feel uncomfortable, so I shift and turn away, and the subject is quickly forgotten due to the intervention of a ridiculous door.

Not even the Lockpicking skill can help me, apparently. Monatony will never let me live this down.

Hey, what’s this? A little dog. I think we took a quest about something like this. You’re name’s Poppy, right? Alright, let’s get you back to the surface.

I pick up a scythe on the way. I think it’d be helpful, somehow.

Decapitation. Yep, it’s useful, alright.

I also finally identify the green ring. It’s amazing, as expected. Even an amateur adventurer’s sense is rarely wrong when it comes to identifying distinctive equipment. If we had it any other way, it would probably be too expensive, anyway.

I complete the quest and receive a chilly box… Portable refrigerator anyone? We’ll see less food spoilage from now on. Time for a nap.

I didn’t have a good night that day. I think it was the fountain water. Either way I woke up screaming until Monatony slugged me in the face with the hilt of her katana.

The same morning, we both realize that I’m running faster than normal.

Also later that day, when we are examining the quest board, I decide to reconfigure my magic skills. I haven’t been using them for a while, but I think my original profession was something like a mage, because I’m somewhat alright using them. I’m not too happy with the success rate, though, so I’ll have to fix that.

Monatony, visibly irritated by my presence, decides that we should take a party quest in order to relax. What this really means is that she’s going to beat up on some unfortunate citizens present at the party and commit extortion for fun in order to get away from creepy me and the hectic quests. Hey, it’s not like I can help it either, I have no idea how to get rid of luminous irises.

I’m pretty tense too, and quaffing from the well only knocked me out for a while, so this actually suits me just fine. Beggars are our prime target in these sorts of cases. Any other self-respecting citizen carries their money in those foil cards that we can’t use without identification, which we don’t have.

Odd… some sort of pendant. The beggar didn’t want to part with it, so I had to rip it from his throat. It looks pretty interesting under all that grime, but Monatony gave me a look of disgust and tossed it over to me in some other emotion that I can’t read. Her loss. All she needs to do is to wash it, really. We head off to town after that, considerably more lighthearted.

Monatony: Okay, after this, we do more q-

*screaming*

Irie: W-What’s going on?

Villager: *running past screaming* EVERYONE, RUN FOR COVER! IT’S THE ETHERWIND!!

Irie: Et... herwind…?

< Place screenshot here.>

Blue wisps start swirling up from the cracks in the ground. Monatony’s face slowly contorts into an expression of horror while I stand transfixed by the sight. I think I’ve heard of this before… but where…? I reach out a hand to one of the wisps, but Monatony snaps out of her trance, smacking my hand out of the way and grabbing the other.

Monatony: Are you INSANE?! We have to reach the shelter NOW! HURRY!

She doesn’t give me time to protest, pulling me into the cacophonic swarm of bodies flooding into a hatch in the inn, the innkeeper looking on and guiding the people in with a hushed panic. As the innkeeper steps in behind the crowd, the hatch slaps shut with a resolute bang, blanketing us all in the dark. Silence except for the ominous howl outside of the shelter. After a moment, the lights flicker on, and the beginnings of hurried whispers start to emerge.

Villager: I… NEED TO PEE.

Oh, come on, I was trying to be dramatic. So much for the mood.

The shelter is bare, but it’s obvious an effort has been made to make it as cozy as possible. Monatony started speaking after that, interrupting my thoughts.

Monatony: Answers, now. What were you doing out there?!

Irie: Doing what?

Monatony: The etherwind is poisonous. If you had even touched it… *shudder*

Irie: Etherwind. So that’s what it’s called.

Monatony: It’s the very blight that’s been causing suffering throughout North Tyris for Ehekatl-knows-how-long that we’ve been terrified of for the past few years, growing in strength with each passing season and claiming more by the day, turning them into horrific monsters and reminding us with each casualty, which is why we Yerles have been at war with the Elea for at least a century. Where have you been living, under a rock?!

Irie: …

Monatony: Unbelievable! I should have known I’d gotten too easy a bargain! Tell me that you’ve forgotten your very name next, slime!

Irie: …

Monatony: …You really don’t know your own name?

Irie: The first thing that I can remember is being found by Lanneire and Lomias…

Monatony: …

Irie: …

*awkward silence*

Searching for something, anything to break the silence, I scanned the room. It wasn’t long before an intricately-patterned book caught my eye. It was something about cooking. I wasn’t really interested in it, but it was better than nothing…

---

Even although it was only a few hours, I had already decided on cooking as my next skill. Hopefully no one’s going to check that particular book; otherwise they’d find the embarrassing evidence of drool over some of its pages. The etherwind has also dissipated, an extremely quick time for it, judging from the villagers remarks. As we exited the shelter, I noticed another adventurer and approached her.

She had some very attractive weaponry equipped, so I gladly traded three Cure Corruption potions for the enchanted ring mail. I wonder why they’re so valuable...? Either way, I still had the possession of two more, so I had nothing to lose. Monatony approached me after that, a gleam in her eye.

Monatony: The etherwind only comes in multiples of three months. The last time it appeared was on the ninth month.

Irie: That’s good to know… and?

Monatony: This month is the twelfth month.

Irie: And?

Monatony: The Festival of Jure is in Noyel. We’re going. RIGHT NOW.

Monatony was an overenthusiastic, quibbling child every step of the way there, warbling about how she’d always wanted to go and wasn’t allowed because it was far and what she’d do there and she’d make snowomen out of her and her beautiful future palace. I started tuning out halfway through that particular conversation. At least I know now that no one’s going to check that book for quite some time. Thank Eyth.

Noyel, huh. Cold it was, and full of snow, too, but there was definitely a festive atmosphere. Clowns, sisters, kiosks and whatnot everywhere. Monatony was exhilarated and immediately ran off on her own. I decided to examine the stalls.

VERY.

DAMN.

ATTRACTIVE.

It doesn’t take an idiot to know those things aren’t common…! Unfortunately, I don’t have half the funds to take home anything, especially the potions of potential. I guess I’ll settle for mochi. What’s with all the mines, though? It’s almost as if they were preparing for some sort of sick war game or something.

Uh, yeah, it was nice and all… but… urm, for a festival of HEALING, why is there a BLOODIED GUILLOTINE and a person who looks like the next unsuspecting victim tied up next to it?

(A/N, OOC, this is what happens if you ‘use’ the guillotine)

(I should probably make this a vision of Irie’s after he looks at it and imagines.)

(Take note that even in dungeons like the puppy cave where you can find guillotines randomly, a ‘someone’ will kill you, but as it happens, the only one beside you would be your pet, which you can make a spouse. Love kills, dood.)

I felt sorry for the poor guy for believing in the wrong religion and being in the wrong place at the wrong time, so I decided to let him go free. I got a Sand bag in exchange, though, so I’m perfectly happy with it. I foresee a creative and very, very painful method for making the best use of possible enemies in the future. It’s late, so I go to bed.

<action button i>

I wake up to the sounds of inappropriate behavior. I hastily cover poor Monatony’s eyes and flee with the gratuitous fervor that everyone keeps talking about here. To be honest, this was a given. Where there are festivities, rich favour, and lots of spending power, there will definitely be misuse of such services. But still, oh Jure, my poor eyes…

I definitely needed something to cleanse my head after that, and maybe something to console Monatony, so I stopped by the magic shop in the church while Monatony prayed to her goddess for peace.

Irie: Mistress, get the hell out of here and don’t look back.

Okay, take deep breaths, calm down, one at a- THIS IS A CHURCH DAMMIT- no, just try to calm down, that’s wrong… yeah, just take deep breaths, don’t look at the –WHAT ARE THEY DOING WHY IS THIS WORLD SO- NO LOOK AWAY. Okay, good, don’t look at them don’t look at them, now take deep breaths and walk away slowly and carefully, very sl-

Shopkeeper: Weeeeeeee! Baseball!

-VERY slowly, VERY carefully, and calm the hell down.

I bought a crying Monatony a soda. It seemed like the right thing to do. It probably didn’t erase the images, but at least she sat down and sipped at it quietly.

<insert picture of Monatony sitting down and Irie comforting her by placing a hand on her shoulder.>

When she felt well enough to move, we started walking back to the church.

This time, I excused myself to make a quick dash to the town well.

Monatony didn’t refuse the request.

Afterwards, I purchased a spellbook of harvest from the magic vendor, giving her a thoroughly disgusted look on the way there. The conversations of the passing visitors caught my attention with the mention of a holy well.

Monatony: No.

Irie: Please?

Monatony: No is no.

Irie: Pretty please?

Monatony: It’s final.

Irie: But this well doesn’t have any bad side effects- it’s holy! It’s famous for giving potential! Listen to reason, Mistress!

Monatony: *punt* Okay.

Irie: *groaning in pain*

I still think it was totally worth it. We took some high-ranking quests from the town board and left after that, both of us agreeing it would be detrimental to our mental health if we stayed any longer. Monatony opted that we go back to Vernis to store the new items we’ve acquired. After that, it’s Puppy Cave running again.

In the cave, I encounter another fountain. I, of course, drink from it while Monatony’s not looking. Suddenly, an ephemeral voice whispers something…

Well, I’ve always wanted to literally steal the pants off someone without them noticing, but since I’m a mage and that skill is thief-guild exclusive only…

Heh, now I can wipe their confident smirks off their faces when I filch their own bulging purses from their belts. ‘Exclusive’, kiss my sorry butt.

Irie: *cheers*

Monatony: What are you so happy about? And what the hell are you doing?!

Irie: Oops. Spare me, mistres…s…?

Monatony: *chases*

Irie: *doubled over in pain*

Monatony: THAT WAS FOR RUNNING, YOU NO-GOOD B#$@^%^%! *huff* When did you get *puff* so fast…

After the brief session of frantic sprinting, both of us are exhausted, so we retire for the night.

Normally this wouldn’t have been a concern for me at all as my dreams can hardly be considered ‘normal’, but this is the fifth time I’ve had this dream, either that or just harsh whispering without anything happening, and it’s getting very worrying for me. It’s almost as if it’s a portent of something bad that’s going to happen soon.

Monatony: *laughing and rolling on the floor*

Irie: What?

Monatony: You’ve been *chuckle* afraid of a funny dream all this while?! That’s low, even for you! I’m at least younger than you by six years and at least I’m not afraid of the monster in the closet! Get over it, you big baby!

Irie: I still think we should at least try to take this s-

Monatony: More seriously? *chortle* Who are you kidding? Your own incompetence? How about I buy that Jure body pillow for you back at the festival for you to sleep with for comfort, mister crybaby?

Irie: *Gestures towards relatively faster legs and glares.* Mind explaining these and how I got them?

Monatony: …

My point driven home, we both notice that we’re running out of money, so it is imperative to do some mindless questing again to receive funds for more adventures. Or at least, we WERE about to embark on one such spree when I noticed an interesting fact. I had enough platinum coins to purchase another skill for myself, and I knew just what I wanted.

Monatony: No.

Irie: Please?

Monatony: No is no.

Irie: Pretty please?

Monatony: That’s not going to work on me any more.

Irie: Imagine if I could cook. We wouldn’t have to put up with rotting food all the time any more, and we wouldn’t always have to eat raw corpses.

Monatony: *rolls eyes* We have the cooler box, which is there to prevent JUST THAT, and you’re the only one who eats every corpse we find as opposed to buying food from the baker or something a reasonable person would do every time we visit a town, which *I* do, so this doesn’t concern me. No.

Irie: *Puppy-dog eyes.*

Monatony: What do you think you are doing?!

Irie: *Puppy-dog eyes.*

Monatony: S-Stop it, you’re freaking me out!

Irie:*Puppy-dog eyes*

Monatony: No! I told you to stop it, you s-sl…sla...

Irie:*Puppy-dog eyes*

Monatony: OKAY, OKAY, FINE. HAVE IT YOUR WAY, AS LONG AS YOU NEVER GIVE ME THAT LOOK EVER AGAIN!

Irie: *cheers*

^replace the above scene with a comic when I have time, biting the lower lip in a pout and all. It’s a straight-comic format, kind of like a 4koma, but it’s not.

I require cooking tools, so I purchase a deed of heirship and we get the required portable cooking tools from the trunk, as well as a whistle, as I would prefer Monatony to abstain from assaulting our clients in the many events that she comes back from a hunting trip in the night only to find that particular client fast asleep. God forbid if it were the innkeeper during etherwind. However, turning over the last bits of the heir trunk to get at said whistle also revealed some… interesting loot.

Why does Monatony’s grandfather have an abundance of lost suitcases? On second thought, that was a stupid question. All adventurers are required kleptomaniacs as one of the very first basic rules of adventuring. Monatony, herself, has certainly drilled that role into me.

I set up the kitchen tools with some vigour after that, Monatony as my first customer.

I brought out the plates with the weary enthusiasm of satisfied honest work…

Irie: All done. Bon appétit!

Monatony: It looks fine enough… *takes a bite*

<Monatony has been poisoned. Monatony has been Badly poisoned. It’s a one-hit knockout!>

…And no one ate dinner that night.

---

Monatony: I am picking your next skill. I still don’t know what I was thinking when I let you learn this. And then I ate… T-THIS, whatever THIS is.

Irie: It looks fine enough…?

Monatony: SHUT. UP. YES, this particular one looks fine, but the rest of the dishes? This one here. It looks like RED BLOODY PULPY MUSH. This one looks like WHITE, SPECKLY SEAWEED. I don’t think you put anything like seaweed into it, in fact… I CAN’T TELL WHAT THIS MYSTERY FOOD X IS MADE OF. Wait, w-whatever happened to the corpse of that guy we found on the road after you picked it up… And that one over there, t-that OH SWEET ETHKATL IT’S MOVING-

Irie: *smacks the tendril away from Monatony* I thought I’d killed that one already.

Monatony: YOU THOUGHT?!

Monatony: You are never allowed to cook ever again.

Monatony tugged me on a shopping spree to calm her nerves after that. I didn’t actually think it was that bad, until Monatony shoved a spoonful of the stuff into my mouth and told me not to swallow. It was utterly inedible. Still, it doesn’t justify the fact that she tried to take away my precious cooking tools from me in order to stunt my love for the craft. I know that I may suck at it now, but one day I’ll get better at it as long as I just practice. For now… she may have them in her possession, but one day, I’ll get them back. I know I will.

For some odd reason, the shopkeepers start to sell some really interesting items, so we are back at a loss for money. Monatony is not happy, but both of us agree the fireproof blanket and textbook are useful.

I’m still not sure why we needed the harp, though. Monatony claimed that it ‘suited me’, but personally I haven’t seen the harp and Monatony wouldn’t let me either, so I can’t judge it for myself yet.

Either way, it’s definitely back to farming for quests again for us.

It’s all normal fare for most of the quests, but during one of the gathering quests, a hermit crab happens to drop a beautiful shell. There really is no other way to describe it, what with the otherworldly lustrous sheen and the fact that it appears to be emanating light. However, once again it is a shell of no actual monetary value to Monatony, so it is once again relegated to me. Honestly, she should start to develop her treasure sense- obviously anything that looks out of the ordinary is a precious artifact. However, since it is the only thing keeping her from actually taking the thing, I can also honestly say that I’m quite happy with her current knowledge of such matters and would prefer it to stay that way. In any case, I drilled a hole in it and made it into a peridot for easier carrying when I had time.

…Talking about repetitive grinding, I think I’ve been forgetting something very important that will most certainly spice things up a little, and help deal with Monatony’s compulsive needs for violence without actually harming anyone. The staggering amount of quests has definitely taken a toll on us, and we desperately need some sort of outlet, therefore it is the perfect time to employ this device.

Did it… just call me a pervert? Alright, now I’m really sure that I need this quick break. Still, insulting us is hardly going to spare it the punishment our very, very suppressed entourage is going to deal to it. Besides, this isn’t just stress relief. It makes perfect target practice for wayward spells, you see?

We could do this all day.

Eventually, one of the delivery quests leads us to Derphy, which is far off the main road from Port Kapul to Vernis. We’d heard of the place and the less-than-desirable reputation that it sports, but only a first-hand experience beforehand could prepare us for this. Sadly, with our trip to Noyel, nothing fazes us quite much anymore. We just walk past THEM in a self-censoring, unseeing daze, basking in delightful ignorance.

Still, how the hell do you manage THAT being so far away from each other?!

… Forget it. I have more pressing matters at the moment. Monatony is eyeing me with a twinkle in her eye and I don’t like it. I really, really don’t like it.

Monatony: Hey, servant! I believe you owe me something, and you have enough platinum coins to see to that!

Remember the time when I said that she’d make me do the performance quests if she could? Yeah. So now I have learned the skill of embarrassing myself in public, much to my own chagrin. I should have seen this coming a mile away, especially with the ridiculous-looking harp that she supposedly bought for me a while back. Even although she insists on it, and threatens grievous harm if I don’t, there’s no way that I am playing that thing for long, so I’m going to get a reasonable lute as soon as possible, preferably one without something that looks like deformed pink wrinkly rats with hats and very intense faces eyeballing me carved all along the border of the thing. For the sake of my health, though, I shall give it one last try.

<He’s referring to Zetta slowpoke and a Weegee. Draw a look of disgust as he looks the weegee in the eye. Maybe the same pop-eyed look.>

…Screw this, I need a drink from the fountain. Unfortunately, the well is dry so I take a trip to Port Kapul, hoping to find an instrument there as well.

A-ah. That’s a bit more than I asked for. Forget the instrument, forget all of the bad things that have happened today- this makes up for everything right here. I’ve only heard of fighters being able to sense attacks with their minds, which is odd considering mages are the ones who actually employ these kinds of supernatural abilities. I suppose it comes down to the question of the finely-attuned senses of a seasoned warrior, but still... Eye of Mind!

Monatony: You’re oddly happy today. Did anything happen? Oh, and you know that you’re still performing today, right?

Irie: Nothing, nothing at all~

Monatony: Just stay out of trouble, slave. I’ve got enough to worry about on my hands and I expect you to be cooperative, otherwise you’re fired.

Irie: Not a problem, officer!

In fact, I just thought of a prime way to get back at you for doing this to me.

After bullying a few other poor saps into listening at the risk of Monatony’s really big and inaccurate claymore giving them a new, thorough haircut, I started playing the harp.

The effect was immediate.

Till this day, I’m still quite proud of how I actually managed to make a harp sound like a warbling screeching electric guitar from the first note.

Monatony: AAAAaaAAUGH-AUGH-OWWWW OW OW OWWW STOP STOP IT!

Irie: *Looks up with a meek smile* Yes, mistress?

Monatony: Stop playing. Now. What in the nine hells of lost luck was that?! Explain yourself!

Irie:The harp… isn’t exactly an instrument I favour, and for good reason, Mistress. I did appeal for another instrument, but you insisted.

Monatony: Urk, fine, FINE. You can get a new instrument, so long as I don’t have to hear anything like that ever again- if you DARE pick another wrong one, prepare to limp for a year, lowly servant! Gaah… My ears… Why can’t you do ANYTHING RIGHT for ONCE?! *continues grumbling*

Even although my hands are probably dripping with blood right now and my ears suffering the same fate, I fully believe it was entirely worth it. Me: score one, Monatony: zero. Oddly enough I felt an urge to show off my body after that, but I wasn’t a prostitute or anything like that so I shoved the random thought over to the side and off a hypothetical cliff. Besides, who likes to see bony, awkward arms? They’re hardly ideal at all.

Quests, quests and more quests, all for the sake of money. Personally, I think we have quite enough, but Monatony is adamant about amassing more. I have a feeling that she’s planning something, but for the time being, both of us are royally bored out of our wits. It doesn’t take long for Monatony to suggest a completely random idea, and in a state of dire, crushing boredom and hate for the things for not letting me hit them like all good monsters should, I don’t agree. I’m bored and dulled and I hate those things, but I’m not that desperate.

??? Silver Bell: YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO DAMN SLOW! RING RING RING RING RING RIIIININNNNNGGNGGGG~

Wrong move. How could I have forgotten the downright most irritating thing about those bells? We stop bickering for a moment and fix both our attentions on the bell. The silver monstrosity quails under the force of our combined glares at his insult, startled. Obviously, amongst the rest of the remarks the other monsters threw at us, he didn’t expect his to actually draw our attention. It wouldn’t normally have as well, but these are special circumstances. Tough luck. I agreed wholeheartedly.

The bell is reduced to scrap in a few seconds, and we proceed with phase two of the plan.

Monatony creeps up close to it…

…and throws a monster ball?!

Irie: *hisses in frustration * Mistress! You were supposed to use the sand bag!

Monatony: What about it?! I couldn’t get close to it, it’s too fast. This works too, doesn’t it?! Do you want a fight, punk?!

Irie: We’ll deal with this later…

Using one of the precious monster balls is one thing, but it shouldn’t be enough to cause problems, right? Here’s the issue. With a sand bag, you’ll just catch the monster temporarily and then we can beat up on it without any problem, setting it free whenever we feel like it.

However, if you’re going to use a monster ball to catch the monster, then that’s another issue entirely.

Monatony: I don’t see what’s the problem.

Irie: Mistress, if you’re going to use a monster ball, it means that that monster becomes your slave. Not temporarily. Permanently.

Monatony: Um, wait there. So you mean…

Irie: Yeah, it’s our duty now to take care of this bell. A much heavier burden than just beating up on a monster for a few minutes, Mistress.

Monatony: W-wait, can’t we just throw it away or something?!

Irie: Most pets which are released can’t survive in the wild after having adapted to a master. Also, we can’t leave the bell in the ball- it’s a lot faster than us, so time probably passes slower for it than it does for us. And it’s been trapped in that ball for the whole journey back here. Here, take it. It’s your honor.

Monatony: I can’t do this! I’m not ready for another one- Ehekatl knows you’re enough of a burden!

Irie: How heartless. You caught it, after all. Please take responsibility for your actions.

Monatony: …

Wait a moment. I don’t really have to do this, don’t I? After all…

(insert picture of furious monotony smacking Irie in the face with the monster ball)

Monatony: IN THE FIRST PLACE, THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE WHO WAS CARRYING THE MONSTER BALL UNNECCESSARILY, RIGHT?!

Irie: Ugh… busted.

Monatony: Nice try. If you thought that having another party member would’ve lessened your load, you thought wrong. Now, use it. The poor thing’s been in there for too long.

The silver bell pops out of the ball, looking thoroughly stoned from boredom. He appears to be in a daze, so we can make use of his current disability to protest to name him.

Monatony: Name? Name? What name? Ehh, you name him, I don’t really care.

Monatony: On second thought, I DO care. What kind of name is AIR MAN, SLAVE?! Gimme that!

I nearly raised my hand to question that, but I thought better of it. I don’t want to hear her logic, and neither should I do so. Besides, there was something else more critical I should be asking.

Irie: Uh… Hello. Are you alright? I’m Irie, and the fine specimen of woman beside me is Monatony. She’s your new master.

*kick*

I don’t care, that was worth a try. Also, the first thing you show is violence in front of a little kid? You’d make a fine mother, indeed, Monatony!

Monatony: What he means is that the he’s the idiot that will be looking after you. Anyway, good morn-

Vuvuzela: … Uhh... Hey! *ring* Y-YOU’RE TOO SLOW YOU’RE TOO SLOW YOU’RE TOO SLOW YOU’RE TOO SLOW YOU’RE-

Irie: Oh gods no.

Monatony: *punt* Quiet.

Vuvuzela: … *ring* …s-sorry, miss.

Something’s wrong here. He doesn’t seem all that bad. Either way, both of us overreact and so he ends up wrapped in a cozy blanket with a cup of hot tea, while we converse with him on the way to Palmia.

Turns out that he’s actually quite a decent person. A little chipper, and a habit of ringing obnoxiously, but it doesn’t happen too often, so we could probably get used to it. He just started babbling about his hobby for various pieces of machinery when I’d asked Monatony if I could leave for a while, and fairly distracted, she accepted.

A while ago, the magic specialist shopkeeper had these odd-looking golden potions in stock. They weren’t too expensive, and according to her, they’d ‘surprise’ me. I know this probably isn’t a good idea by far, but they looked really tasty for some odd reason... really…

I blame all of this on you, Monatony. I’m addicted to quaffing down weird stuff now.

It’s… uncomfortable...

But actually, that isn’t too bad, isn’t it?

There was another reason for me leaving, though. Whenever I walk about Palmia, this patch of discolored stone looms in the distance, barely in sight along with the rest of the scenery. But when I

point it out to Monatony, she scoffs at me and tells me that I’ve been drinking too much swamp water. I’m pretty sure that’s not the case, and I’m curious, so I’m going there just to take a closer look. If it turns out to be a minotaur nest or something, I’m still leaving, though.

---

It’s a shrine, a temple of some sorts. You can tell from the air, it’s like the churches I see in Palmia and Noyel, only infinitely more condensed with this humming electricity, and purer, to boot, concerning Noyel. Either way, a protected area is probably safe to approach, so I do so.

Silver wolves patrol the area. They’re friendly, and that surprises me, but I see something of note in the distance, so I need to suspend that thought. I think I’ve just about forgotten how clean water tastes like, and that water is clear. CLEAR!

Uh, well now that I look at it, it is shimmering with blue magical energy. I’m probably going to suffer from side-effects when I grow old, but oh well, whatever, it’s my gain.

When Monatony ditched me the last time, there was a red Asura along the other types of monsters. It practically floated, even with all its bulky clothing. There has to be a trick for it, so... Greater Evasion!

Ninjas are always appreciated. And you know what? The fountain tastes like better wellwater! And there are four of them! No guesses to what happens next.

Again?! …I’m stumped. Uh… lemme think… Huh, I can’t. I’m too high on this water, whatever it is. That altar… there… that one on the faaar right… with alll the pretty dots… It’s K…ureeromi? Miromi! Wait, WHAT?! Wha no wait-

…

Okay, so an odd-looking green and blue webbed stone just materialized in front of me. What a great thing to waste a wish on. Ugh. Either way, it’s SOMETHING, so I’ll take it. Note to self: don’t answer wishes when you’re drunk on poofy potion.

Well, that’s all I can do here, so it’s time to head back to Palmia.

---