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Tools for Building Sustainable, Healthy Relationships
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“I” – Who am I? What do I need? What can I ask for? How am I responsible? How should I respond? What are my patterns?
“We” - How do we stay connected? How do we challenge one another? How do we disagree?
“Larger Vision” – How do we reconcile our differences to serve a larger vision?
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Speaking◦ We will speak for ourselves and not for others
the “Truth”◦ We will speak only of our own experience◦ We will try to speak as factually as possible
in Love◦ We will speak honestly, with respect, and listen to
understand
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“I” statements Speak for yourself not for others Avoid judgments and conclusions about
others Speak from your own experience Tell your own truth
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◦ Good triangles: distribute anxiety; natural phenomena
◦ Bad triangles: try to make someone else responsible who cannot fix it “secrets” Patterns of “stuckness” Not about the person but the system
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◦ Awareness of self Patterns of communication What is “mine” and what is “theirs” “Connected” as opposed to “merged” Only one I can change is myself
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Avoidance - deciding not to engage in conflict
Compromise - trying to find a middle position where all parties give a little to gain
Collaboration - trying to find a solution where the needs of all parties are completely met
Competition - conflict is seen as a win-lose situation and the will to win dominates
Accommodation - appeasing the other side
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“Climbing the Ladder”
A Conclusion
An Assumption
A Speculation
A Hunch
Observable Facts
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Interests are the needs, desires, concerns and fears behind our positions
A position is a decision you have made, an interest is what motivates or causes your decision
Interests allow for connection; Positions polarize
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Listen to understand, not to think about what you should say next
Listening to understand does not demand agreement
Concentrate on the other person’s thoughts and feelings, not your own.
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Listen 200%: focus attention to the words behind the words
Be attentive to unconscious discounting behaviors
Validate the feelings you have heard (again, not the same as agreement)
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Clarify your understanding Walk them “down the ladder” Restate what you have heard (including
feelings) Do not judge or evaluate (yet!)
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Respond to others creatively rather than critically◦ Seek to affirm the merit before noting the
weakness◦ Share positive reactions before jumping to
concerns, questions, or criticisms◦ Ask clarifying questions
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Have your emotions, don’t be had by them◦ Try to understand why you are reacting the way
you are◦ Take responsibility for your own emotions◦ Express your feelings as your own, and request a
concrete action
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An anxious, “emotional” response is:◦ Instinctive◦ Habitual ◦ Defensive or ◦ Without premeditation (automatic)
This does not include your feelings of love, anger, fear, frustration, sadness, etc.
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Lowering Anxiety◦Monitor your own functioning / emotions◦Create opportunities to listen◦Create time and space ◦Give clear choices
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The Curle DiagramRelations
Static Unstable Dynamic
Unpeaceful Stable
Balanced
Un-Balanced
POWER
SustainablePeace
Cut-offs
Negotiation
ConfrontationLatent Conflict
Overt Conflict
Awareness of Conflict
Low High
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What Doesn’t Work◦ “Confidential” surveys or questionnaires◦ Large public “congregational” meetings◦ A “hearing”
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Dialogue not Debate Facilitated by trained facilitators Designed to surface issues Solutions must come after Builds community
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Begin with Covenant Confidentiality Transparency of raised issues No “cross-talk” No interruptions Questions that are evocative, not predictive Responses are paraphrased
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Generates energy and motivation to explore Stimulates reflective thinking Challenges or alters assumptions Evokes more questions
From “The Art of Powerful Questions” by Eric E. Vogt et al
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What’s your opinion about whether we should do “Candles of Joy and Concern”
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What’s your opinion about whether we should do “Candles of Joy and Concern”
Compared to:How might our worship provide opportunities
for community building connections.
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What is in the best interest of the congregation and its mission?
What do I want? How is that different from what I really
need?