Download - Self Esteem
Self - Esteem
“Self-esteem is more than merely recognizing one’s positive qualities. It is an attitude of acceptance and non-judgement towards self and
others.”
- Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning
What is Self-Esteem?
• As a group at your table or in pairs define self-esteem.
• What is it?• What increases self-esteem?• What decreases self-esteem?
Defining Self-EsteemNathaniel Branden, PhD, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
• Self-esteem is:
– the ability or willingness to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness.
– confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think.
– confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change.
– the belief that success, achievement, fulfillment—happiness—are right and natural for us.
– grounded in reality and built over time
What Self-Esteem is NOT
• Self-esteem is not the euphoria that may be temporarily induced by a drug, a compliment, love affair, or happy event.
• It is not an illusion or hallucination.
• If it is not grounded in reality, if it is not built over time through experience and careful thought, it is not self-esteem.
Exercise
• Visualizing strong self-esteem
Reflection
• On a piece of paper, reflect on your visualization:
–Why do you want self-esteem?–What will strong self-esteem give you?–What will you be able to do?– How grounded in reality is your vision?
Misconceptions• Self-esteem does not come from others, peers or outside
ourselves
• Alcohol and drugs to not increase self-esteem
• “Self-esteem is best nurtured by selfless (!) service to the community.”
• “Stop struggling to achieve self-esteem. Turn your problems over to God. Realize that you are a child of God—and that is all you need to have self-esteem.”
• the measure of our personal worth is our external achievements
• Inflated egotism, delusions and unrealistic perceptions are not self-esteem.
Some Definitions
• Self-esteem
• Self-acceptance
• Self-confidence
• Self-respect
Self-esteem
• The belief that success, achievement, fulfillment—happiness—are right and natural for us.
• Related to “Unconditional High Regard” of ourselves and others.
Self-acceptance
• The knowledge that no one is perfect and the acceptance of ourselves with our strengths and weaknesses.
• AND—our MISTAKES!
• Self-forgiveness plays a role in this
Self-confidence
• The belief and knowledge that we can learn or complete a task.
• Our willingness and ability to risk and try new things
• Built overtime through a history of success and on going learning.
Self-respect
• Self-respect – the relationship between our actions, values, and actual behaviour.
• Built from our integrity.
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
six practices essential for the nurturing and sustaining of healthy self-esteem:
– the practice of living consciously, – the practice of living of self-acceptance,– the practice of living of self-responsibility, – the practice of living of self-assertiveness, – the practice of living of purposefulness, – and the practice of integrity.
Living Consciously• respect for facts;
• being present to what we are doing while are doing it;
• seeking and being eagerly open to any information, knowledge, or feedback that bears on our interests, values, goals, and projects;
• seeking to understand not only the world external to self but also our inner world, so that we do not out of self-blindness.
Self-Acceptance
• the willingness to own, experience, and take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions, without evasion, denial, or disowning—and also without self-repudiation;
• giving oneself permission to think one’s thoughts, experience one’s emotions, and look at one’s actions without necessarily liking, endorsing, or condoning them;
• the virtue of realism applied to the self.
Self-Responsibility
• realizing that we are the author of our choices and actions;
• that each one us is responsible for life and well-being and for the attainment of our goals; that if we need the cooperation of other people to achieve our goals, we must offer values in exchange;
• and that question is not “Who’s to blame?” but always “What needs to be done?” (“What do I need to do?”)
Self-Assertiveness
• being authentic in our dealings with others;
• treating our values and persons with decent respect in social contexts;
• refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval;
• the willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts.
Living Purposefully
• identifying our short-term and long-term goals or purposes and the actions needed to attain them (formulating an action-plan);
• organizing behavior in the service of those goals;
• monitoring action to be sure we stay on track;
• and paying attention to outcome so as to recognize if and when we need to go back to the drawing-board.
Personal Integrity
• our behaviour and actions are reflections of our values and beliefs—we live what we believe;
• telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in action the values we profess to admire.
Increasing Self-Esteem• Different for everyone—observe yourself!
• re-writing outdated core beliefs
• giving our best to a task
• facing a difficult truth with courage
• taking responsibility for our actions
• speaking up when we know that that is what the situation warrants,
• refuse to betray our convictions,
• persevere even when persevering is not easy
What Lowers Self-esteem
• Negative core beliefs
• Shame over past actions
• Living opposite to our values
• Staying silent or participating in something we know is wrong
Core Beliefs
• Messages we received from authority figures when we were young (teachers, parents, religious leaders, friends, siblings, bosses, other adults).
• Statements: I AM_________________
Finding Core Beliefs
• Start with the statement, “I am...”
• Write out as many beliefs about yourself as you can (positive and negative)
• Be honest about what you believe deep down about yourself
• (feel free to write in your first language)
Re-Writing Core Beliefs
• Where did this message come from? Was it something you were told or developed from experience?
• Look at your life and skills today? Is that belief still true for you today as an adult?
• Which statements can you say are false right away? Re-write them in a statement that correctly describes your skills.
• How are you going to grow to be this corrected statement?
The Really Tough Core Beliefs
• What would it take to change this belief?
• How could you prove to yourself it is not true?
• What can you do to increase your self-respect and acceptance?
Mistakes and Shame
• Most of us have made mistakes and done things we are ashamed of.
• When we continue to hold onto our mistakes and shame and punish ourselves, it lowers ours self-esteem.
Exercise
• Fold a piece of paper in half, long ways.
• On the left, make a list of the mistakes or actions you are ashamed of that are currently lowering your self-esteem.
• (feel free to write in your first language).
Steps Towards Healing Self-Esteem
• Review the 6 Pillars—how well are you living them?
• Which one is your weakest?
• What action can you commit to for 32 days that would improve this pillar?
• At the end of 32 days, pick another pillar and work on that one.
Make Amends
• What mistakes or actions have you done that you are not proud of?
• How could you correct this mistake or make amends?
• How can you find peace with this past action?
• What will you commit to doing differently?
Get the Lesson
• What did you learn from your mistake or action?
• What did it teach you about your values?
• What “gifts” have come from this mistake?
• How has it shaped who you are?
• What do you do differently now?
Exercise Part 2
• On the right side of your page, write the lessons or gifts you gained from your experiences.
Self-Forgiveness• Look at your list of mistakes
• If your best friend, child, spouse or someone you loved made this mistake under the same circumstances, do you feel she or he should be punished for ever?
• Have you paid for your mistake long enough?
• Have you changed or do you still do this action?
• Would you forgive your friend?
• If yes, then it is time to forgive yourself.
• If no, what would it take to be able to forgive yourself?
• Commit to that action.
What are YOU Keeping?
• Tear your sheet in half so the mistakes and the lessons are on separate sheets
• You have a choice:1. Keep the mistakes/shame and throw away the lesson
2. Keep the lesson and let go of the mistake