Peers, Pressure and Parental Expectations: Preparing Your
Adolescent to Thrive
Ken Ginsburg MD, MS Ed
The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia
How do we define success?
Resilience
• The Ability To Overcome Adversity
• The Capacity to Bounce Back
Resilience is a Mindset
Resilience
is
NOT
Invulnerability
The Bottom Line
• Young People will be more resilient if the
important adults in their lives believe in
them unconditionally and hold them to
high expectations
• Young People live up or down to the
expectations we set for them
The 7 C’s of Resilience
Confidence
Competence
Connection
Character
Contribution
Coping
Control
Supporting the Fundamental Question of Adolescence
Since kids live up or down to our expectations, it means our
attitude really matters
Problem Free . . .
. . . is NOT Fully Prepared!
Karen Pittman
And they can judge our attitude easily
How do we portray youth?
Youth at Risk?????
Lazy?
Slackers?
Selfish?
Problems or
Problem-Solvers
When to Ignore Other Parents
When to Join with Other Parents
Your importance can not be overstated. . .
Connection 101:
Why does it feel like our connection is challenged
during adolescence?
What Gets in the way of Connection?
Listening
Finding Competence . . . . . . Building Confidence
• No more lectures!!!!!!
• Overprotection
• The importance of Puddles
Learning Not to Undermine Competence
The Reality of Peer Pressure
Building Competence
Social Skills
ControlControl
How Much Control?How Much Control?
Effective Monitoring
Independence: One Step at a Time
• Observe
• Consider Temperament and Developmental Needs
• Listen and Invite Youth to Develop a Plan
• Generate a Roadmap of Mastery
• Independence is Earned through Displaying Responsibility
Routine Interaction
Parent repeats
command
Punishment that is worse than the crime
no
no
Cycle repeats 1 to 3 times
no
yes
Naggingrelationship
Hostilerelationship
Diminishedparental
supervision
Parent makescommand
Parentthreatens
Parent atcrisis point
Parentgives up
Critical point
Cycle repeats 3 to 7 times
no
Adapted from Barkley RA. Hyperactive Children: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment. New York, NY: Guilford Press; 1981.
Contract
1. I want a curfew of 10 pm on weeknights and 11:30 on weekends
We need to know where you are, whom you’re with, and what you’ll be doing
We need to know where you are going, who you will be with, when you will be homeYou need to finish all of your homework before you go outYou need to get enough sleepYou need to be able to wake up in time for schoolYou need to keep up your gradesYou must always follow the check in ruleWe have to agree on a code word
2.I want to be able to drive the car when mom doesn’t need it
You can’t drive any friends for 6 monthsYou must Always wear a seat beltYou will never use a cell phone or text while drivingWe need to sign a Students Against Destructive Decisions Contract for life
Mom _X_____ Dad _X_____ Bill_X_____
Contract
1.I want a curfew of 10 pm on weeknights and 11:30 on weekends
2.I want to be able to drive the car when mom doesn’t need it
Stress and Coping
Resilience
• Is about learning to cope, in a positive way with life’s inevitable stressors
• We might do our greatest good by raising youth with a wide repertoire of positive coping strategies
You Feel Awful!!!
Positive Coping
Strategies
Stress Discomfort
Negative Coping
Strategies
Relief
You Feel Awful!!!DiscomfortYou Feel Awful!!!Discomfort
Relief
You Feel Awful!!!
Positive Coping
Strategies
Stress Discomfort
Negative Coping
Strategies
Relief
You Feel Awful!!!DiscomfortYou Feel Awful!!!Discomfort
Relief
Your Vital Role
• Stress Tolerance
• Stress Assessment
• Stress Management
When Your Tolerance Reaches Its Limits
Falling Back In Love
Catching Your Kid Being Good
Holding to the Highest Expectation
Honoring Your Spouse/Partner
The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Child
FosteringResilience.com