nobody has to die today
@AutomatnMonkey
keeping the peace with the other meatsacks
w4!?! die!?! are you serious?
● only a li9le ● nearly 2 million reported incidents per year (osha.gov) ● threats and verbal abuse to homicide ● in 2010, 546 of 4,547 fataliJes were homicides ● 13,827 homicides from 1992 and 2010 (cdc.gov) ● homicide #1 cause of death in the workplace for women ● informaJon technology professions are not immune
my favorite subject
me
who is this guy?
• mykel alvis (@AutomatnMonkey, @mykelalvis) • lawful evil with neutral tendencies • frequent violator of Wheaton's Law • reformed rageaholic • sr. consultant at MomentumSI ([email protected])
• MomentumSI is a leading IT consultancy focused on enterprise transformaJon
• h9p://www.momentumsi.com • h9p://www.automaJonmonkey.net
no gain
● people avoid pain ● pain is not the sensaJon of weakness leaving the body ● it is the sensaJon that something untoward is going on ● pain is an excellent educator ● we have abandoned pain as a mechanism for instrucJon
my least favorite subject
you
who are you?
• who cares? • apex predator meatsack • one of the great apes; probably human • 3 lb wetware processor and dual 5-‐phalange manipulators
and some form of locomoJon • ge\ng older and more decrepit by the minute
there’s just something about you
you suck at EVERYTHING
no, seriously. you suck.
• you’re bad at seeing, hearing, feeling, interpreJng, remembering, analyzing and about a jillion other “-‐ings”
• you’re really bad at communicaJng • you’re actually not so bad at iteraJng
think you’re percepJve?
try another one
context
● Webster’s calls “context” the parts of a discourse that surround a word or passage and can throw light on its meaning the interrelated condi5ons in which something exists or occurs : environment, se:ng
● the container whence all things originate ● everything ulJmately is taken out of it
over-‐sharing
● everyone everywhere is constantly trying to disseminate their context to the rest of the world
● we call this communicaJon ● again, most people really suck at it ● everyone has a context that is constantly being refined ● someJmes, people are not interested in your stupid context ● most of the Jme, actually ● mostly they just want what they want
feelings or facts
● contexts are comprised of both objecJve and subjecJve parts ● subjecJve -‐ want/think/feel ● objecJve -‐ facts/math ● have strong opinions… for a reason ● reason doesn’t discount subjecJvity, but does marginalize it ● feelings aren’t bad but decisions made because of the
hormonal soup are frequently unsound
more from the dept. of redundancy dept.
● territories ● specifically, your territories ● those parts of your context that you consider yours,
geospaJally or responsibility-‐wise
since we’re talking about how you suck
● since you suck so much, you should probably try harder ● language is a mechanism for interacJon with those other
meatsacks that you’re forced to deal with every day ● frequently, the ability to communicate backfires on you ● miscommunicaJon is at least one of the most common
causes of every sort of failure
we can't all just get along
• people have incompaJble desires • incompaJble desires cause fricJon • fricJon erupts into conflict and the viscous red liquid flows
freely across the co-‐lo floor • conflict is not necessarily bad • conflict shows the places where fricJon exists
communicaJon
● who ○ the idiot i’m trying to school
● what ○ the ludicrously simple crap that this idiot didn’t already know
● where ○ right here
● when ○ right the fuck now
● why ○ because i want that idiot to do something for me
communicaJon
● how ○ via the help of Mr. L. Jackson and whatever language is appropriate
c-‐c-‐c-‐c-‐communicate
● correct ○ it needs to be as factual as you can make it
● clear ○ understandable and as unambiguous as possible
● concise ○ as short as necessary, but no shorter
● consistent ○ immutable
● comprehensive ○ complete
you are such a [solware development] tool
• voice • email • documentaJon/wiki • issue tracking • versions • silence • acts of destrucJon, contriJon or appeasement • events • body language
process
• process exists, whether you like it or not • documented processes can be more easily comprehended • comprehended processes can be more easily internalized • internalized processes are more likely to get followed • processes that are not internalized typically get circumvented
passive aggression at its finest
● you want something from someone ● you’re worried that they might say no ● if they say no, whatever shall you do? ● maybe you’ll have to kill them ● (don’t do that)
asserJveness training
● give as clear an understanding of your needs as possible ● allow them to quesJon your needs, someJmes extensively ● once they have a clear understanding, they can make an
informed decision about what to do ● then, if they decide not to give you what you want, you won’t
lose any sleep about the horrible things that they clearly deserve
• you suck at everything, especially communicaJon • you typically need other people • be willing to absorb/entertain someone else’s context • confrontaJon that stops discord is good • have good reasons for your opinions, but be willing to change • correct, clear, concise, comprehensive, consistent
communicaJon • violence is generally not an opJmal soluJon
last night’s highlights
go and sin no more
namaste, bitches
The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence and should not have been viewed by humans nothing that was said here should be taken as license to execute violence, especially against a bag of chips or other people