Florida Ballot(statewide choices)

Governor

AttorneyGeneral

US Representative

Congressional Districts (featured, 15)

State Representative State Senator

House Districts(featured, 63)

Senate districts(featured, 22)

Chief

 

FinancialOfficer

Commissionerof Agriculture

Rick Scott:Florida is his personal fleshlight.He paid $83 million for it,so he has ongoing plans for his semen

Charlie Crist:With the Bushes, helpedfuck Florida education;i.e., the lesser evil… he’s cool with Mary Jane 

Other Candidates (in case you want tovote your heart):Farid Khavari: would be a pragmatic choiceGlenn Burkett: his campaign website sells vitamins and hastestimonials, RUN!Adrian Wyllie : tea party guy, wants more guns in Florida… likethere’s no issue with that Others: couldn’t find anything comprehensive on the othercandidates, but you’ll see there names on the ballot too ---in reality, none of these candidates have a chance becausemost voters are uninformed---

Alan Cohn:Former journalist, seems level-headed;platforms on renewable energy and someother standard democrat/politician stuff

Dennis Ross:Current rep, seems proactive in legislationefforts to back legitimize his participation in thenear-insane repetitive attempts to repealACA/ObamacareMy red flags for this incumbent, however,are his favorable NRA rating, his opposition towomen’s right to choose, and hate for gay people 

Pam Bondi:Current AG; positive credentials include pill millthrill kill and consumer activism.She has also used the office to advance theconservative agenda, including repeal ofACA/Obamacare stipulations, fighting tomaintain ban on same sex marriage, and foughtto keep the marijuana initiative OFF the ballot.Do like Florida’s supreme court, and tell her tofuck off.

George Sheldon:Decided to identify himself as theanti Pam Bondi, and wants to modelhis service after Bob Butterworth (theguys who sued and won against thetobacco industry while AG of FL).A better option than Bondi, but mypick is the oth er guy.

Bill Wohlsifer:Please make him attorney generalPLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Do you see me using pleasantries?This is serious business.He’s a true libertarian candidate: anti prison-industrial complex,dismiss appeals attempting to reinstate ban on same sex marriages,supports a hemp industry in FL, reschedule cannabis as 2 or 3 (currently 1),demilitarize police forces (albeit in a bureaucratic manner)This is who we want deciding what position FL takes in legal proceedings

Mark Danish vs. Shawn Harrison REMATCHDanish unseated Harrison in 2012 by a small margin, so thisis a tap of the replay button. They both think infrastructure developmentis key to economic development, but Harrison wants to fund it whilecutting taxes… because piss-down economics obviously worked for KansasContentious districts in Tampa Bay area (60 –69):Narain vs. Santiago (61); Grant vs. Steinberg (64, primary playing out in generalelection); Zimmermann vs. Sprowls; Grizzle vs. Ahern (66); Sarnoff vs. C. Latvala (67);Dudley vs. Young (68); Orsini vs. Peters (69)Find your State House District on flsenate.gov

 Jeff Brandes vs. Judithanne McLauchlanBrandes kind votes along the lines of tea party ideological idiocy ratherthan the pragmatism he claims. Both candidates publicly s upportlegalization of medical marijuana, but Brandes thinks voters should NOThave a say, but rather the legislators should debate it for them. I took issuewith this principle (wealthy prick thinks the proletariat are not capable ofmaking big boy decisions). I’d go for McLauchlan, the fairer income earner,on this one, but it’s not my voting district. Contentious districts in Tampa Bay area (20, 22, 24) :

 J. Latvala vs. Caso the Gun Nut (20); Lee vs. write-in opposition (24)

Possible contentious district in Tampa Bay area (13) : Jolly defeated Sink in special election, status unknown forgeneral election (13).Find your US Congressional District on flsenate.gov

Ballot Measures (amendments, most click yes without reading any of it):1. Water and Land Conservation (Environment) — Decision to fund a trust fund forconservation efforts. Notes no expected change in state revenues as a result.2. Use of Marijuana for Certain Medical Conditions (Pot)  — Your physician can writeyou a prescription. Pharmaceutical has been campaigning hard against this in manystates over the years. This seems to be a required step toward recreational use, only voteno if you are fucking miserable prick. (editorial note: I actually do not smoke the greenstuff myself)3. Prospective Appointment of Certain Judicial Vacancies (Judiciary) — So like, there’sa day when we have two governors, and this is supposed to sort how who can appoint a

 judge when.

 Jeffrey Atwater vs. William Rankin:I do not see evidence of remarkable differences betweenthese candidates. The CFO manages state assets (taxincome and state expenditures). Atwater, the incumbent,has moved FL toward transparency and has aggressivelypursued fraud cases against st ate contracts. Rankin’splatform agrees with such policies and wants to pushharder against insurance companies (his campaign accusesAtwater of being too weak and a lapdog of Scott). This islike choosing your accountant, and I do not see a strongcase to switch accountants. Do note that Atwater did notoblige Rankin’s request for a public debate, yet Atwatermay consider a gubernatorial run in 2018, and that doesseem a little fishy or underhanded because Rankin didn’thave the campaign contribution to make that issue morepublic.

Adam Putnam vs. Thaddeus H amilton:

This is tricky, the Commissioner of Agriculture puts hands inmany pots these day (including consumer watchdoggery,school meals, charities, wildfires, etc.). The incumbent,Putnam, has functioned well at his duties, but he is againstmarijuana legalization and nonviolent criminal clemency,which matters because cabinet members vote on state policyissues like that. Putnam has also refused federal money tohelp manage Florida water supplies. Hamilton is on theopposite side of those issues, and he has a fucking boatload ofexperience in the USDA. Call it as you wish.

A guide to your ballot, with objectively

biased but limited analysis… and cursing