Download - Family Guy Spec- To Beer or Not to Beer
To Beer Or Not To Beer
By
Christopher Connell Taylor
Family Guy Spec
www.christopherconnelltaylor.com
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
Chris, Meg, and Stewie at the table. Lois cooking.
STEWIE
Say mother, I’ve been sitting here
for what seems to be a damn
fortnight, and the pancakes have
yet to appear on my plate.
LOIS
Patience, Stewie. Breakfast is
coming.
STEWIE
Very well, if I am to suffer one
bloody hemorrhoid you will be first
to experience impetuous doom by the
SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION DEVICE!
Lois serves WAFFLES.
STEWIE
What the hell is this...?
LOIS
Eat your breakfast, Stewie.
Stewie knocks his plate off the table: SHATTER!
STEWIE
Damn you, woman! Only one kind of
fried cake enters this mouth and
that’s BLOODY PANCAKES!
Peter strolls through the kitchen with a KEG.
LOIS
Peter, what are you doing?
PETER
Camping, Lois.
LOIS
Camping? Peter, you never told me
you were camping this weekend?
PETER
Lois, there’s lots of things I
never tell you... like that time I
lost my ring.
2.
FLASHBACK: INT. BATHROOM
Brian hangs over the sink with a straightened wire hanger,
maneuvering it down the drain. Peter under the sink.
PETER
Oh God, Brian, can you get it?
Brian gives up and pulls up the hanger.
BRIAN
I can’t Peter, it’s too far. I
don’t think you’ll get it back.
PETER
Damnit, I’ll never forgive myself
for this. Wait, wait I... I think I
got it.
Peter comes up with an ONION RING!
PETER
That was a close one.
Peter tosses it in his mouth. The soggy thing doesn’t even
crunch.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Lois giving Peter "the look."
LOIS
Exactly where are you camping this
weekend? Peter, you know I made
plans to visit my parents this
weekend. You’re supposed to watch
the children.
PETER
Relax Lois, I’m camping in the back
yard.
LOIS
What’s the beer for?
PETER
Lois, camping isn’t camping unless
everyone is drunk all the time. And
as an American taxpayer it is my
God given right to walk out of here
without explaining anything.
Peter leaves.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
LOIS
I swear that man can never give me
a clear answer.
BRIAN
Ha, yeah. I bet that’s what cost
him the Miss Teen USA Pageant.
FLASHBACK: MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT
Peter onstage wearing a blue, formal evening gown. A South
Carolina sash around his shoulder.
HOSTESS (O.S.)
Recent polls have shown a fifth of
Americans can’t locate the US on a
world map. Why do you think this
is?
PETER
I, personally, believe that US
Americans, such as Miley Cyrus and
Bugs Bunny, are unable to attain
enlightenment because they lack
certain God fearing qualities that
make businesses such as McDonald’s
and Starbucks equally competitive
in the final minutes of the NBA
Finals giving our students in Iraq
the
(ding)
nuclear arms they need to blow up
America.
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland and Peter. Quagmire holds a beer
bong.
QUAGMIRE
Hey, Peter. You want to take a hit
off this beer bong I had sex with
last night.
PETER
Did you wash it?
QUAGMIRE
Nope.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
PETER
Great! Fill it up.
Peter kneels.
PETER
Good thing I ate all that pizza Cuz
last time I did this on a empty
stomach and I felt like crap.
Peter puts the tube in his mouth. Quagmire fills the funnel
with beer. Peter immediately upchucks everywhere: twice.
PETER
Ah, much better.
Lois comes into frame.
LOIS
Peter, I’m going to let you have
your little slumber party on one
condition, promise me you won’t buy
more beer.
PETER
Lois, as God as my witness, I
promise not to buy more beer; and,
as an act of good faith, I will
give you my wallet.
Peter hands it over.
LOIS
Good, and remember, keep an eye on
the children.
Lois stomps off. Passes Brian.
LOIS
Brian, look out for Peter.
BRIAN
Great, I hope this goes better than
last time I babysat Peter.
FLASHBACK: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Brian watches TV. Peter enters inconspicuously. He waves
someone in. Through the door comes LANCE BASS.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
BRIAN
Not in the house, Peter.
Close on Lance Bass.
LANCE
Damn.
EXT. BACKYARD - DAWN
Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Peter around a campfire,
passed out in sleeping bags. Peter wakes up in a cold
drunken stupor.
He picks up a beer: empty.
PETER
Ah!
Joe wakes up.
JOE
Peter, is everything Ok?
PETER
Must have more beer.
JOE
Well, you should have thought of
that before you gave Lois your
wallet.
Peter doesn’t respond. He totters off in a drunken sway.
EXT. BACKYARD - LATER
Everyone still asleep. Peter saunters back with a
twenty-four pack of beer. He barely reaches the campfire and
passes out.
DAWN BREAKS AWAY TO DAY
Peter wakes up. He rubs his eyes, blurs become the beer.
PETER
Sweet!
He cracks open a cold one. Everyone wakes up.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
QUAGMIRE
Yay! More beer!
JOE
Peter, where’d you get money for
that?
PETER
I don’t know. I must have sold
something.
INT. HERBERT’S BASEMENT
Chris dangling with his hands tied up to ceiling. Herbert
right behind him in dominatrix, holding a whip.
HERBERT
Say Chris, would you like to meet
Mr. Peeples?
CHRIS
Who’s Mr. Peeples?
HERBERT
He’s old an friend of mine and
he’ll only come out if you scream.
CHRIS
Uh, gee Herbert, I don’t know if I
want to meet Mr. --
Herbert flogs him.
CHRIS
AHHHHHH!
EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Brian strolls up to Peter.
BRIAN
Peter, have you seen Chris around?
PETER
Nope.
Brian notices the beer.
BRIAN
Peter, where’d you get money for
beer? Didn’t Lois take your wallet?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
PETER
Sold something.
BRIAN
Like what?
PETER
Wait... it’s coming back to me.
Something from Chris’s room that’s
really dumb and fat--with a
baseball cap--Oh my God, I sold
Chris!
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Peter on the couch, glum. Brian pacing.
PETER
What am I going to do? Lois is
gonna kill me.
BRIAN
Relax Peter, she won’t kill you,
she’ll divorce you.
PETER
Great, then what will I do? Pick up
girls at the bar?
FLASHBACK: INT. DRUNKEN CLAM
Peter sits at the bar next to a hot chick who flirts with
her eyes.
HOT CHICK
Hey there big boy, I’m getting
kinda thirsty--could use a HARD,
STIFF drink.
PETER
Oh, geez ma’am, I’m sorry about
this.
(to Horris)
Hey, Horris! Lady wants a drink!
(to hot chick, whisper)
Between you and me service around
here kinda sucks.
8.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Back to Peter and Brian.
BRIAN
Do you have any idea who you sold
Chris to?
Peter is spacing out. Brian smacks --
BRIAN
Peter!
PETER
Huh, what?
BRIAN
Who did you sell Chris too?
PETER
Sell Chris who...? Where am I?
Brian grunts in angst.
BRIAN
There’s only one way to solve this.
Brian sniffs Peter. He follows a sent leading to --
EXT. FRONT YARD - DAY
Peter behind Brian as he tracks a scent.
BRIAN
Hey... Hey, I think I got
something. Smells like...
Jergins... and... tapioca pudding
and.... Poligrip...? Herbert!
An unmarked vehicle swerves up to the Griffin’s house. Chris
rolls out the back door, gagged and bonded.
INT. CHRIS’ ROOM - DAY
Brian and Peter at Chris’ bedside. Chris mutters to himself
while in a quasi-unconscious state.
CHRIS
Please, no more popsicles Mr.
Herbert.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
PETER
(sigh)
This would have never happened if I
wasn’t a drunk. From this day on,
Peter Griffin will live a life of
sobriety.
BRIAN
(sarcastic)
That’s wonderful, Peter. Hope it
goes better than the last time you
quit drinking.
FLASHBACK: EXT./INT. BATHROOM
Brian holds a glass of wine. He saunters by the bathroom
door. Stops.
Peter next to the toilet, passed out. Green fluid oozes down
his cheeks. Next to him an empty bottle of Listerine.
Brian takes a sip of his wine and continues on.
EXT. JOE’S BACKYARD - EVENING
Joe grills burgers. Bonnie comes out and tosses him a
six-pack.
JOE
Thanks, Babe.
Bonnie exits frame. Suddenly --
MAN VOICE
Dad.
KEVIN appears like a ghost from the past.
JOE
Kevin... I thought you died in
Iraq.
KEVIN
No, Dad! I made it out alive. It’s
the most amazing story. I was held
captive and tortured for months and
--
Bang! Joe shoots Kevin.
10.
ON QUAGMIRE, CLEVELAND, AND PETER.
Joe wheels into frame.
JOE
Hey boys, how ’bout a brewski?
Cleveland and Quagmire take one.
JOE
Peter?
PETER
No, thank you. Boy’s, I have an
announcement to make: Peter drunk
is dead. Meet Peter sober.
Awkward silence.
JOE
Uh, alright. So... would you
like some juice?
PETER
Apple would be nice.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Peter, Brian, Stewie, Meg and Chris on the couch watching
tube.
Lois enters with luggage and a bag.
LOIS
Hey, I’m back, and I got gifts for
the whole family. Stewie --
She hands him a small gift-wrapped package.
STEWIE
Thanks, but honestly, anything
could be better than what Brian got
me for my birthday.
FLASHBACK: INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT.
A large cake sits on table.
Through the door enter Stewie and Brian. Brian holds his
paws over Stewie’s eyes.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
STEWIE
Oh, what is it, Brian? I can’t take
the suspense.
BRIAN
OK, OK. Now!
He uncovers Stewie’s eyes.
BLONDE FEMALE STRIPPER explodes out cake.
BLONDE STRIPPER
Happy Birthday, Stewie!
Stewie cringes like he just saw Jocelyn Wildenstein.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Stewie opens the package --
STEWIE
Bubble gum cigarettes? Wow, Mother.
What a great way to get me started
on a life-long habit that may
eventually kill me.
Lois hands a gift to Brian. Brian rips it open --
BRIAN
The Twilight Saga Collection....
Uh, thanks Lois. This is... this is
nice.
Next up, Meg.
LOIS
(nervous)
And for my daughter, Meg... I got
this...
She reaches in her purse. Pulls out lipstick.
Meg takes it. Opens the top --
MEG
Mom, someone used this...
A round gift for Chris --
LOIS
Chris, here’s a can of cheese.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
CHRIS
Yay, cheese!
(bites can)
Owe... my tooth hurts.
Lois moves on to Peter.
LOIS
Peter, this is for doing such a
wonderful job watching the
children.
Lois gives Peter a 5th of Vodka.
BRIAN
Lois, I don’t know if that’s what
Peter wants.
We move so Peter is out of frame. We track Brian and Lois.
BRIAN
Because, uh, he kinda made a
resolution... Well, I’ll let him
tell you.
They glance over to Peter who is passed out, holding the
empty bottle.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Lois cooking. Everyone at the table except Peter.
LOIS
Brian, did anything happen while I
was away? I have this feeling.
BRIAN
(nervous)
Yeah. Uh, Yankees lost... Haha.
Which is a shame because--
LOIS
--Brian, is there something you’re
hiding from me.
BRIAN
Hiding? No, everything went great.
Peter did an excellent job taking
care --
Lois saunters over to Brian and bends over so her cleavage
is showing.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.
LOIS
Are you sure, Brian?
BRIAN
Peter got drunk and sold Chris.
LOIS
WHAT!
Peter totters into the kitchen, dazed and hung over. He
takes a seat.
PETER
(sigh)
The last time my head hurt this bad
was when I watched an episode of
"Fraiser."
FLASHBACK: INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Peter and Brian watch Frasier.
FRASIER (V.O.)
Niles, in my opinion, you’re
psychiatry claims are nothing but
Floccinaucinihilipilification.
NILES (V.O.)
Again, Frasier, you leave me
nonplussed by your degradations.
Studio audience LAUGH.
Brian bearing a smile. Peter stupefied.
PETER
... What?
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Lois approaches Peter with her arms folded.
LOIS
Peter, did you sell Chris?
PETER
Lois, many respectable people have
sold their kids.
INSERT: Photo of BILLY RAY CYRUS.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
LOIS
Peter, that’s no excuse. If it
wasn’t for your drinking problem
none of this would have happened.
Well, you’ve had your last chance
Peter Griffin. Either sober up or
find a new family.
Lois stampers off.
PETER
(to Brian)
Man, she’s pissed. I don’t think
I’ve seen her that upset.
(sigh)
Maybe I should meet up with the
guys at The Drunken Clam, get my
mind off all this.
BRIAN
I don’t know if that’s the right
thing to do, Peter. Have you
thought about confronting your
problem?
PETER
How?
BRIAN
Well, why don’t you go to an AA
meeting?
INT. AA MEETING ROOM
Peter enters, finds a seat among fellow AA goers.
INSTRUCTOR
My speaker didn’t show up tonight.
Is there anyone who would like to
speak?
A scuffle in the corner of room between JESUS and GOD.
Jesus grabs at a beer in God’s hands.
JESUS
Give it to me, Dad.
GOD
No.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
JESUS
Give it to me.
GOD
Not until you go up there and tell
them what you just told me.
JESUS
(sigh)
God damnit.
Jesus marches to the front of classroom.
JESUS
Uh, some of you probably know me as
Messiah.
CROWD
Hi, Messiah!
JESUS
And... some of you probably know me
as The Word.
CROWD
Hi, Word.
GUY IN CROWD
Don’t forget about Redeemer.
JESUS
My real name is Jesus.
CROWD
Hi, Jesus.
JESUS
And uh, I am not an alcoholic. OK,
I uh, actually received my one year
chip about a year ago.
(applause)
About a week after that, I left it
in the bottom of a shot glass, in a
bar across the street from a
theater where I watched the three
o’clock showing of "Brokeback
Mountain." See, I’m the Savior of
Mankind and I was there... that
day. I’ve seen some shit on the
job. But uh, that day I saw some
shit that I... never expected to
see. So I drank more than I usually
did and uh, anyways my dad...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
(points to God)
...told me about this. I started
going to these meetings and I gotta
be honest, I thought I would get
something out of it, like an
epiphany... Instead, what I got was
a bunch of whining assholes. You
people wanna bitch about somethin’,
try lookin’ at two dudes in a tent,
humpin’ each other on a 30 foot
screen...
(to Peter who looks disgusted)
...Hey, hey don’t look at me that
way. Tell you what, the next time
you’re stuck in a theater watching
a gay movie, you better pray
someone like me, someone with
balls, saves your ass. And if I do,
if I happen to save your ass, or
your ass, you know what I’m going
to do? I’m going to go home and
pour myself a nice tall glass of
Vodka.
(crowd speechless)
You guys got nothing for me? That’s
what I got for you. That’s my
little message. I’m going to spend
the rest of my time on this planet
drinking and liking it. My
suggestion to you, try doing the
same.
(as Jesus leaves)
Bottoms up, folks.
Awkward silence.
Peter jumps off his seat with one arm in the air.
PETER
Yeah!
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Lois on the sofa reading a book. Peter strolls in.
LOIS
Hey, Sweetie. How was your AA
meeting?
We stay on Brian as Peter cruises into the kitchen.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
PETER
Good. I learned a lot of good
things.
LOIS
Like what?
Peter comes back with a beer.
BRIAN
You’re drinking?
PETER
Yup.
LOIS
Well that’s it, Peter. If you can’t
kick the habit, I’m moving in with
my parents...
Lois stampers off.
LOIS
...And I’m taking the children with
me.
EXT. SOFTBALL GAME - BLEACHERS - DAY
Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland in the bleachers. Peter strolls
in, depressed. He takes a seat.
CLEVELAND
Peter, I must say, you look like
you could use a cold one.
Cleveland grabs a beer from a cooler.
PETER
No thanks, Cleveland. Lois left me
because I’m a drunk.
JOE
I’m sorry to hear that, Peter.
Summer Nights music starts: da dada da daaaaa.
PETER
(sigh)
All this after such a great summer
at the beach.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.
QUAGMIRE
Hey, I want to hear what
Peter did at the beach.
JOE/CLEVELAND
Yeah!
PETER
Eh, it was nothin’.
QUAGMIRE
C’mon Peter. You got in her
drawers, right?
CLEVELAND
Tell us about that girl.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. PEWTERSCHMIDT MANSION - DINING ROOM - DAY
Griffin family, minus Peter, at the dinner table with
Barbara and Carter Pewterschmidt. They will be referred to
as "The Ladies."
CARTER
So what did you do over summer,
Pumpkin?
LOIS
Oh, I spent most of it at the
beach, with Peter.
CARTER
Why waste your time at the beach
with Peter?
LOIS
He was really romantic.
Peter cornered by Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. They will be
referred to as "The Guys."
JOE
We want to hear.
QUAGMIRE
Give it to me.
CLEVELAND
Yeah, tell us.
PETER
C’mon, you don’t want to hear all
the horny details.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.
They become ecstatic.
PETER
Alright, I’ll tell you.
(sings)
Summer lovin’ had me a blast.
LOIS
Summer lovin’ happened so fast.
PETER
I met a girl crazy for me.
LOIS
Met a boy cute as can be.
BOTH
Summer days driftin’ away, to uh,
oh those summer nights.
EVERYONE
Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh.
THE GUYS
Tell me more, tell me more.
CLEVELAND
Did you get very far?
THE LADIES
Tell me more, tell me more.
BARBARA
Like does he have a car?
EVERYONE
Uh-huh dodo uh-huh dodo uh-huh
uh-huh.
PETER
She swam by me, she got a cramp.
LOIS
He ran by me, got my suit damp.
PETER
I saved her life, she nearly
drowned.
LOIS
He showed off, splashing around.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.
BOTH
Summer sun, something’s begun, but
uh-oh those summer nights.
EVERYONE
Uh well-a well-a well-a huh.
THE LADIES
Tell me more, tell me more.
CARTER
Was it love at first sight?
THE GUYS
Tell me more, tell me more.
JOE
Did she put up a fight?
EVERYONE
Uh-huh-dobeedo-huh-uh-dobeedo-uh-huh.
PETER
Took her bowling in the arcade.
LOIS
We went strolling, drank lemonade.
PETER
We made out under the dock.
LOIS
We stayed out ’till ten o’clock.
BOTH
Summer fling, don’t mean a thing,
but uh, oh those summer nights.
EVERYONE
Uh well-a well-a well-a huh.
THE GUYS
Tell me more, tell me more.
CLEVELAND
But you don’t gotta brag.
THE LADIES
Tell me more, tell me more.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.
MEG
Cuz he sounds like a drag.
EVERYONE
Shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop,
shoo-bop bop,shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop
bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop,
Yeah.
LOIS
He got friendly, holding my hand.
PETER
While she got friendly down in the
sand.
LOIS
He was sweet, just turned
fourty-three.
PETER
Well she was good, you know what I
mean.
EVERYONE
Whoa!
BOTH
Summer heat, boy and girl meet, but
uh, oh those summer nights.
EVERYONE
Woo, woo, woo.
THE LADIES
Tell me more, tell me more.
CHRIS
How much dough did he spend?
THE GUYS
Tell me more, tell me more.
QUAGMIRE
Could she get me a friend?
LOIS
He got drunk, that’s where it ends.
PETER
Thank God, I still have friends.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.
LOIS
I still think that he’s such a cow.
PETER
Wonder what she’s doing now?
BOTH
Summer dreams ripped at the seams,
but oh, those summer nights...
EVERYONE
Tell me more, tell me more!
Music stops.
PETER
Crap, I need to get Lois back.
INT./EXT. PEWTERSCHMIDT MANSION - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
Lois in bed, crying. A FAINT ACOUSTIC GUITAR RIFF: Extreme -
More Than Words.
PETER
Saying ’I love you’ is not the
words I want to hear from you...
Lois peers out the window. Peter serenades with an acoustic
guitar.
PETER
...It’s not that I want you not to
say, but if you only knew how easy
it would be to show me how you
feel..
Lois wooed. She’s eating this up.
PETER
...More than words is all you have
to do to make it real. Then you
wouldn’t have to say that you love
me, cuz I’d already know.
Lois runs outside.
LOIS
Oh, Peter.
They embrace.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.
PETER
Lois, I’m sorry--
LOIS
--Peter, I don’t want to hear an
apology. I want you to take me
home.
They promenade into darkness.
PETER
What about the kids?
LOIS
Eh, leave ’em here. Maybe, it’s OK
to be irresponsible with the
children every once in while.
PETER
Uh, OK.
FADE OUT.
THE END