Exercises – Writing Effective Sentences

CFM

MBA (FT)

Batch 2015-2017

How is this reading experience (1)

I wish to express my indebted gratitude and special

thanks to Mrs. Gayatri Rao, Zonal Manager who in

spite of being extraordinarily busy with her duties, took

time out to hear, guide and keep me on the correct path

and allowing me to carry out my project work at their

esteemed organization.

How is this reading experience (2)

I wish to express my indebted gratitude and special thanks to Mrs. Gayatri Rao, Zonal Manager. Inspite of being extraordinarily busy with her duties she took time out to hear, guide and keep me on the correct path. They allowed me to carry out my project work at their esteemed organization.

Origninal Sentence:I wish to express my indebted gratitude and special thanks to Mrs. Gayatri Rao, Zonal Manager who in spite of being extraordinarily busy with her duties, took time out to hear, guide and keep me on the correct path and allowing me to carry out my project work at their esteemed organization.

How is this reading experience (3)

I wish to express my indebted gratitude and special

thanks to Mrs. Gayatri Rao, Zonal Manager. Inspite

of being extraordinarily busy with her duties she took

time out to hear, guide and keep me on the correct path.

They allowed me to carry out my project work at their

esteemed organization.

How is this reading experience (4)

I am especially grateful to Mrs. Gayatri Rao, Zonal

Manager. Inspite of her extraordinarily busy schedule,

she took time out to hear, guide and keep me on the

correct path.

They allowed me to carry out my project work at their

esteemed organization.

Rewrite

It has a wide network of 35 branches and 93 customer

service points, which give Karvy a tremendous mileage

in being close to the retail customer.

RewrittenIt has a wide network of 35 branches and 93 customer service points. This gives Karvy a tremendous mileage in being close to the retail

customer.

Original Sentence:

It has a wide network of 35 branches and 93 customer service points, which give Karvy a tremendous mileage in being close to the retail customer.

Rewrite

A decade of commitment and broader vision led to

customer satisfaction which thereby helped Karvy to

attain a leadership position in its field and allowed it an

opportunity to handle the largest number of corporate

and retail clients that proved to be a sound business

synergy.

Rewritten

A decade of commitment and broader vision led to custo

mer satisfaction. This helped Karvy to attain a leadership

position in its field. Besides, it allowed an opportunity to

handle the largest number of corporate and retail clients.

This proved to be a sound business synergy.

Original Sentence:

A decade of commitment and broader vision led to customer satisfaction which thereby helped Karvy to attain a leadership position in its field and allowed it an opportunity to handle the largest number of corporate and retail clients that proved to be a sound business synergy.

Can you rewrite this?

So by way of the feedback survey, the issues which came

into light includes first of all irregular and inefficient

communication that is due to a large broker-base which

is around 300 only in Baroda and also because Karvy

Baroda has to single-handedly handle Nadiad, Anand

and Vidyanagar business which again involve around

another 300 business associates.

Possible way of rewriting (1)

The feedback survey highlighted the issue of irregular and

inefficient communication. This is due to the following

reasons:

(i) a large broker-base of 300 in Baroda alone

(ii) Karvy, Baroda, has also to single-handedly handle

Nadiad, Anand and Vidyanagar business which again

involve around another 300 business associates.

Possible way of rewriting (2)

The feedback survey highlighted the issue of irregular and

inefficient communication. The possible reasons are/may

be :

(i) a large broker-base of 300 in Baroda alone

(ii) Karvy, Baroda, also handles Nadiad, Anand and Vidyanagar business, comprising another 300 business associates. Or

(ii) The 300 business associates of Nadiad, Anand and Vidyanagar are also serviced by Karvy, Baroda.

Moving To Concepts

The Seven C’s Of Effective Communication

COMPLETENESS CONCISENESS

CONSIDERATION CONCRETENESS

CLARITY COURTESY

CORRECTNESS

All of them can apply to both written and oral communication.

Source: Murphy Herta A., Hildebrandt Herbert W., Thomas Jane P. (1997), Effective Business Communication, Tata McGraw-Hill Publishing Company Limited, New Delhi

Completeness

Message receivers – either listeners or readers desire complete information to their questions. Provide all necessary information: answering the

five W’s helps make messages clear: who, what, when, where and why

Answer all questions asked: look for questions – some may even appear buried within a paragraph. Locate them and then answer precisely.

Give something extra when desirable: use your good judgement in offering additional material if the sender’s message was incomplete.

Conciseness (1)

“Conciseness is saying what you have to say in the fewest possible words without sacrificing the other C qualities. A concise message is complete without being wordy.

Eliminate wordy expressions: Use single-word substitutes instead of phrases whenever

possible without changing the meanings. e.g. ‘Now’ instead of ‘At this time’ .

Omit unnecessary expressions e.g. ‘I have resumed my duties today i.e. August 9, 2008’ instead of ‘This is to inform you that I have resumed my duties with effect from today i.e. August 9, 2008.’

Limit the use of passive voice.Include only relevant information

Conciseness (2)

Stick to the purpose of the message

Delete irrelevant words

Avoid long introductions, unnecessary explanations, excessive

adjectives and pompous words

Omit information obvious to the receiver

Avoid unnecessary repetition

ConsiderationConsideration means preparing every message with the message receivers in mind; try to put yourself in their place- you are considerate, you do not lose your temper, you do not accuse, you do not charge them without facts.

Focus on “You” instead of “I” or “We” – using ‘you’ does help project a you attitude. But overuse can lead to a negative reaction. e.g. Since your quotation was received after the due date, we will not be able to consider it.

Show audience benefit or interest in the receiver e.g. ‘We are now open on all Sundays’. can be ‘You can now shop with us even on a Sunday’ or ‘We now remain open even on Sundays to help you with your purchases’.

Emphasize positive, pleasant facts e.g. ‘When you travel on company expense, you will not receive approval for first-class fare.’ can be ‘ when you travel on company expense, your approved fare is for tourist class.

Concreteness

Communicating concretely means being specific,definite, and vivid rather than vague and general. It is desirable to be precise in oral business

communication e.g. 'He responds within twenty four hours' is more concrete than ‘His responses are quicker than yours’.

Put action in your verbs e.g. ‘The customer will be upset with this job’ can be ‘This job will upset the customer’.

Clarity

Clarity helps convey the meaning more accurately from the sender to the receiver.

Choose precise, concrete and familiar words – when in doubt, use more familiar words; they are better understood e.g. ‘after’ instead of ‘subsequently’, ‘invoice’ instead of ‘statement of payment’.

Construct effective sentences and paragraphs – Generally short sentences are preferred. The suggested average sentence length is between seventeen to twenty words.

Emphasis – put the main ideas upfront within a sentence.

Courtesy

Courtesy involves being aware not only of the

perspective of others, but also their feelings.

Be sincerely tactful, thoughtful and appreciative Use expressions that show respect

Correctness

This is about proper grammar, punctuation and spelling.

Check accuracy of figures, facts and words.

Writing Shorter SentencesBringing Simplicity Into Our Written Communication

Why Shorter Sentences

What is a short sentence –

average sentence length of 15-20 words

Sentence is easy to read

An Example of a Long Sentence

The government of Gujarat, newly formed state in 1960 wanted to make

economic development, so had taken up a plan to create a dam on two

rivers, but this was met with resistance from the local people, as the

increase in the reservoir threatened to submerge a sacred temple.

“The problem here is convincing the population about the benefits of dam

scheme and protecting the Bhavnath temple thereby considering popular

public opinion and safeguarding traditional religious sentiments of the

people”.

What is common about both these sentences?

You may find some of these common…

Of course these are long sentences

By the time you come to the end of the sentence you have

already lost what was said at the start

You read it and then reread it – and still are not sure if you

have got the exact meaning.

Each sentence has multiple ideas – each colour represents a

different idea in both these sentences

It is certainly not a pleasant reading experience

So, what are we saying ……..

Sentences need to be short and simple

Long sentences lead to loss of message

Long sentences may result in message distortion

Differently said …. Short sentences are easy to

read Short sentences facilitate

comprehension Short sentences facilitate

recall Short sentences enable

effective message transmission

These techniques, consciously adopted, help us to write shorter sentences

Split and disconnect

Split and connect

Say less

Use a list

Cut verbiage

Bin the sentence and start again

Source: Cutts Martin, The Plain English Guide, Oxford University Press

Split and Disconnect

I came to Ahmedabad for the first time for my interview

with Sify and I got selected and joined the company

from the very next day and I started enjoying my job

truly.

Sentence Rewritten:

I came to Ahmedabad, for the first time, for my interview

with Sify. I got selected and joined the very next day. I

started enjoying my job truly.

Split and Connect

The government of Gujarat, newly formed state in 1960 wanted to make economic

development, so had taken up a plan to create a dam on two rivers, but this was met

with resistance from the local people, as the increase in the reservoir threatened to

submerge a sacred temple.

Sentence Rewritten:

The government of Gujarat, just formed in 1960, wanted to make economic

development. Therefore, it had taken up a plan to create a dam on the two rivers.

The increase in reservoir height threatened to submerge a sacred temple. Hence,

this was met with resistance from the local people.

The underlined words, in the rewritten sentence, are the connectors.

Say Less

The key is to avoid repetition.

Use a List This report describes the accident and details the causes,

implications for the company, future prevention and other possible risk areas.

Sentence Rewritten:

This report covers the following:

A description of the accident

Its possible causes

Its implication for the company

Suggestions for prevention

Other possible risk areas

Cut Verbiage

A lot many firms like Maruti, Paharpur, Daewoo, BHEL,

Hindustan Unilever are into green marketing.

Sentence Rewritten:

Many firms like Maruti, Paharpur, Daewoo, BHEL, Hindustan

Unilever are into green marketing.

Look for words that don’t add any meaning or further value to

the message. Omit them.

This is how we unconsciously add words …

“A heavy majority (83%) of those who use plastic bags are aware of its harmful effects but the reason for not shifting to the alternate medium came up as feeling ashamed to carry cloth bags”

Do the words “A heavy majority” add any further value?

This is also a good case to try ‘split and connect’

“ But sometimes it so happens that the suppliers are also not willing to do away with plastic shopping bags.”

The underlined phrase can be replaced by just two words ‘At times….’

Look for words that don’t add any meaning or further value to the message. Omit these.

Bin the sentence and start again

Simply rewrite if you are not satisfied with the length or

construction of the sentence.

We sometimes get emotionally attached to our writing and then

‘throwing it in the bin’ becomes difficult.

Some further thoughts for writing simpler sentences (1)

Use active voice Eg. “The latent profit for retailers is the silent marketing that

these bags do”

Sentence Rewritten: “The silent marketing that these bags do is a latent profit for

the retailers.”

Eg. “One party affected is the wholesalers of the plastic bags.”

Sentence Rewritten:

“The wholesalers of the plastic bags are an affected party.”

Some further thoughts for writing simpler sentences (2)

Use simple words

Eg. “We are accustomed to living in a large house.”

Sentence Rewritten:

“We are used to living in a large house.”

Maintain a list of words and their simpler forms. Even the ‘Tools’ in the Microsoft menu can help find a simple word to replace a more difficult one.

Thank You