difficult conversations discussing what matters most with our partners dnsi – tuesday july 9, 2013

Diplomas Now Summer Institute | July 8-9, 2013 | Baltimore, Maryland

Difficult ConversationsDiscussing What Matters Most with Our Partners

DNSI – Tuesday July 9, 2013


Context

Given that : Diplomas Now is responsible for using the insights of cutting edge

research to guide the professional work of schools We are partnered with schools that are charged with improving their

practice Working with our school partners involves challenging and delicate

conversations, learning from them about their circumstances and needs

All of our staff should be involved in some way in these conversations We do not currently have a system for training for and analyzing

these discussions

Resolved: We must create a system for training and analyzing difficult

discussions so our Diplomas Now staff are set up for success in their schools Material referenced within is adapted from “Difficult Conversations:

How to Discuss What Matter Most” by Stone, Patton and Heen


Session Objectives

Begin developing a common language around identifying and working through difficult conversations

Identify and begin to practice techniques to shift difficult conversations to learning conversations


Key Concepts – Common Language

Difficult Conversations are comprised of 3 simultaneous conversations (what happened, feelings, identity)

Shift from a “message delivery” stance to a “learning” stance

Explore each other’s stories instead of arguing about who is right

Move from certainty to curiosity

Distinguish blame from contribution

Understand your feelings or they will have you

Ground your identity: ask yourself what is at stake

Begin from the third story

Listening transforms the conversation

Speak for yourself with clarity and power

Take the lead when problem solving and reframe when necessary


What is a Difficult Conversation?

We experience a conversation as difficult when:

We feel vulnerable or our self-esteem is implicated

When the stakes are high and the outcome uncertain

When we care deeply about what is being discussed and/or about the people with whom we are conversing


The 3 Conversations

Difficult Conversations are comprised of 3 simultaneous conversations

The “What Happened?” Conversation—What’s the Story Here?

The Feelings Conversation—What Should We Do with our Emotions?

The Identity Conversation—What Does This Say About Me?


The What Happened Conversation

Challenge: The situation is more complex than either person can see.

Who’s right (the truth), who meant what (intentions), and who’s to blame.

With each of these we often make a common but crippling assumption. Truth Assumption

I know all I need to know to understand what happened; “I am right, you are wrong.”

Goal: Persuade them I’m right Intention Assumption

I know what they intended Goal: Let them know what they did wrong

Blame Frame It’s all their fault. (Or, it’s all my fault.) Goal: Let them admit blame and take responsibility for making amends


The Feelings Conversation

Challenge: The conversation is emotionally charged Difficult conversations do not just involve feelings; they are at their

very core about feelings. Feelings are not just some noisy byproduct of engaging in difficult talk;

they are an integral part of almost every conflict. The question is not whether strong feelings will arise. The question is

how to handle them when they do.

Assumptions Feelings are irrelevant and wouldn’t be helpful to share Or, my feelings are their fault and they need to hear about them Goal: Avoid talking about feelings


The Identity Conversation

Challenge: The situation threatens our Identity The Identity Conversation looks inward. It is all about who we are

and how we see ourselves. How does what happened affect my self-esteem, my self-image, and

my sense of who I am in the world? When a conversation feels difficult, it is precisely because at the

core it is about you. Something beyond the apparent substance of the conversation is at stake for you.

Assumption I’m competent or incompetent, good or bad, lovable or unlovable There is no in between Goal: Protect my all-or-nothing self-image


Learning Conversations

Despite what we sometimes pretend, our initial purpose for having a difficult conversation is often to prove a point, give them a piece of our mind, or get them to do what we want.

To deliver a message.

A battle of messages can be reframed into a learning conversation.

This involves trying to understand what has happened from the other person’s point of view; explaining your point of view; sharing and understanding feelings; and working together to figure out a way to problem solve


Shifting to Learning Conversations

From:• Certainty to curiosity

• Debate to exploration

• Simplicity to complexity

• “Either/or” to “and”


A Contribution Systems Framework

From blame to contribution

“How did we each contribute to the current situation?”

Blame is about judging and looks backward

Contribution is about understanding and looks forward

Contribution is joint and interactive and encourages learning and change

The contribution frame improves the ability to work together in the future


The Third Story

We typically begin difficult conversations inside our own story. We describe the problem from our own perspective and in doing so, trigger reactions we hope to avoid.

We forget that if others agreed with our story, we probably would not be having this conversation in the first place.

The Third Story is the one a keen observer would tell, someone with no stake in your particular problem or its outcome.

A learning conversation begins from the third story.


The Third Story (continued)

Begin from the Third Story Describe the problem in a way that rings true to both sides

simultaneously so that both parties will feel acknowledged

Describe the problem as differences rather than judgments

This doesn’t mean giving up your point of view

Extend an Invitation Describe your purpose (goal for the conversation)

Invite, don’t impose

Make them your partner in figuring out together

Be persistent


Listening from the Inside Out

Primary purpose of the conversation is to understand the other person

Listening transforms the conversation from persuasion to learning

Increases their listening of you

Genuine curiosity shifts your stance from “I understand” to “Help me understand”

Be aware of your own thoughts (internal chatter)

Inquire to learn by asking open-ended questions and for concrete information

Paraphrase for clarity and so other person feels heard

Acknowledge feelings


Make sure you should have the conversation

Is the real conflict inside you? Is this more about something going on in your life than what’s

going on between you and the other person

Is there a better way to address the issue than by talking about it?

As you sort through your feelings or identify your contribution to a situation it may become clear that what is called for is not a conversation but a change in your behavior or attitude.

Do you have purposes that make sense? Make certain you know before you begin what the point is or

what a good outcome would look like.


Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Purpose

Express what you see and why you see it that way

Negotiate yourself into a place where you truly believe that what you want to express is worthy of expression

Diagnose self-sabotage around why you feel you are not entitled to speak up?

Begin your story with the heart of the matter (what is it really about? what are the core feelings?)

Tell your story with clarity Present conclusions as possibilities Share where conclusions came from Avoid “always” and “never”

Instead of asking for agreement, ask “How would you do it differently?”


Problem Solving

Reframe: Take what the other has said and translate it into concepts that are more helpful (e.g., from blame into contribution)

Remember that the conversation cannot move in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood

Name the dynamic between you and the other party to clear the air

Create options that would met all parties primary concerns

Walk away if you need, but explain why and what concerns have not been met and be prepared to accept the consequences


Putting it Together

1. Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations

2. Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise It

3. Start from The Third Story

4. Explore Their Story and Yours

5. Problem-Solve


Sample Scenarios to Prepare and Roll Play

CM is doing something to make a teacher frustrated (e.g., inappropriate boundaries)

"An assistant principal comes to the PM with this concern from a teacher. The Corps Member is disrupting a teacher's class by engaging with students at inappropriate times. The CM says they are only trying to explain things to students who are not understanding the lectures."

A principal thinks a teacher is not effective and blames the coach for not working quickly enough to address the problem

"The principal comes to the STF to complain about a coach. The coach has been working with a teacher who has been running drills for the first 35 minutes of class for three months. The principal does not think the coach is doing his job if the teacher is still making that mistake."

Principal isn’t following through on their DN-related action items "The principal attends DN meetings on a bi-weekly basis, and the meetings are thoughtful and

exciting for the first four times. The team is noticing however, that while the principal is engaged and inspiring in the meetings, she does not actually follow through on most action steps, leading to weak implementation and lowering morale on the team."


Questions to Prepare

What happened? Feelings Identity Issues Multiple Stories What’s my story? What’s his/her story?

Impact/Intent My intentions: Impact on me: Other’s intentions: Impact on the other:

Contribution What did I contribute to the problem? What (from your perspective) did s/he contribute?

What are the feelings engendered for me around this conversation?

How does what happened or might happen in this conversation threaten my identity?

Thank you!

Comments, Questions, and Contact Info:

Jeff Kasowitz at [email protected] Fortenberry Spaloss at [email protected]

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]

difficult conversations discussing what matters most with our partners dnsi – tuesday july 9, 2013

Documents

simultaneous conversations

delicate conversations

difficult discussions

difficult talk

heen slide

feelings conversationwhat

necessary slide

wrong blame