Dialogue RetreatBoston Theological Institute

Religion and Conflict Transformation Program

Robert Stains

Public Conversations Project

Today

Welcome, intro to day and dialogue

Exercise: Beginnings

Sharing objects

Exercise: Questions for persuading or eliciting

Presentation: Identity, threat, inquiry and dialogue

Exercise: Questions in service of the asked

Lunch

Preparatory interviews

Dialogue practice and debrief; Q and A

Closing

Beginning questions

In Pairs:

1. What is something of interest to you, or that energizes you, that others here might not know about you?

2. What expertise or life experience are you bringing with you today that might be useful for others to know?

 

Questions for beginnings

Evoke curiosity

Invite personal connection

Elicit competence

Reduce anxiety

Raise energy

Get the body involved

Object and what it represents about your faith path

Speak for up to one (1) minute

Person to speaker’s left times with watch

Pass watch to speaker when time ends

Pause a beat between speakers

And so on around the circle

No commenting on others’ speaking

At conclusion, place your object on the table if you wish to

Core Premises• We need community to get things done

• We need relationships to create and maintain community

• We need conversation to create and maintain relationships

• The quality of conversation drives the quality of relationship

• “Stuck”, destructive conversations have self-sustaining properties.

• Relationships shift when the content and process of conversations shift.

Emotional Dysregulation

Triggering

Vigilance

Attack/Defend

Patterns/cycles

Cycle of Defensive Response

Trigger

Vigilance

Attack/DefendTrigger

Vigilance

Attack/Defend

What Helps“Mindsight” (Siegel)–Reflection, Attention, Intention

Prevent destructive loops via preparation and structure

Invite and amplify positive deviations

Develop “Islands of Reflection”

Shape conversational environments

Notice, name, discern, choose

Inquiry

Dialogue

Purpose: better communication for mutual understanding.

Not: debate; problem-solving; education

Effected by:Reflection on one’s own and others’ perspectivesShared agreements that guide the conversationStructured exchanges that prevent old patterns and

enhance speaking and listeningOpportunity to explore genuine interest in the other

Questions for Persuasion or Understanding

Pair up

Round one:

Speaker 1: something you believe is true: one sentence

Asker: ask questions to persuade the speaker otherwise (2 min.)

Switch roles and repeat with Speaker 2

Round Two

Speaker One: say something you believe is true again

Asker: ask questions to understand speaker’s perspective, thinking, feeling, choosing, etc. 2 Min.

Switch roles and repeat with Speaker 2

Return to circle

Debrief

What was going on for you –as asker or listener- in each condition: persuasion and understanding?

What did each kind of asking evoke?

Was there a question that stood out as particularly useful?

Keep in mind

Intention and Impact: “Mind the gap”

Attention gives life

Potentially problematic questions:AttributiveProblem and past-focusedKnowing, distant, instructiveRhetorical or pseudo“Why?” questions

16Questions to shift conversation

In advance; to prepare to bring “best self”

To help notice what goes unnoticed/unrecognized: meanings, capacities, personal and shared history, choices

To develop fresh perspectives: time, value, relationship

Elicit hope not fear

Questions and Contexts

Before a first session

Between sessions

Questions to all in a group

Questions to individuals alone and together

Questions parties ask one another

Asynchronous questions

Questions to advance reflection

History and context

Hopes and concerns

Effects of conflict

Positive experiences

Ideas for change

Questions in service of the asked

By yourself: a dilemma

Headline, if you wish; state the dilemmaWhy it’s a dilemma for youMinimum essential factsSpecific example

Groups of 4Time-keeper

In your groups

Speaker speaks: 3 min. Headline, if you wish; state the dilemma Why it’s a dilemma for you Minimum essential facts Specific example

Listeners ask, scribe writes: 3 min.

Speaker tells effects of questions: 3 min.

Repeat X3

Debrief as group: 5 min.

Return to circle

Process

Purpose

People

Prevent

Promote

Prepare

Plan

22

Preparation Planning Worksheet

Individual Interpersonal Tools

Prevent

Promote

Creating the space for dialogue

•Pre-meeting connection•Pre-dialogue meal•Seating: circle, pro/con•Agreements•Questions to all•Responses within a structure•Questions of one another•Questions to close and transition