Developing Emotional

Intelligence

LEIGH HORNE-MEBEL, M.S.W., B.C.D., A.C.S.W.

M.G.H. PEDIATRIC EPILEPSY PROGRAM

Founders of Emotional Intelligence

John Mayer, Peter Salovey, David Caruso, and Richard Boyatz, first coined

the idea of Emotional Intelligence in a 1980 dissertation.

In 1995, Daniel Goleman wrote the book, Emotional Intelligence, and has since been the concept’s strongest and most vocal advocate.

Emotional Intelligence Understood

Emotional Intelligence is innovative and exciting

Can be applied to everyone

Can improve schoolwork and job performance

Can enhance relationships and the ability and motivation to get along

with and negotiate and reason with others

Defining Emotional Intelligence

At its core, Emotional Intelligence is the ability to manage one’s emotions

and thus influence relations with others.

It acknowledges how you and others feel, at any given time, and how

emotions are impacting the current situation.

It involves understanding feelings and sufficiently controlling them so one

can act effectively.

It emphasizes using interpersonal skills to create positive relationships.

It involves the ability to express emotions in a constructive way - staying in

control and effectively solving problems.

Core Components of Emotional

Intelligence

Self-Awareness

Self-Regulation

Motivation

Empathy

Social Skills

Core Emotional Intelligence Concept:

Self-Awareness

Understanding ourselves

Knowing what triggers us, what our strengths and weaknesses are, what

pushes our buttons, and what motivates us

Recognizing and understanding our moods, emotions, and drives, and

their impact on our behavior and how we relate to others

Hallmarks of Self-Awareness

Self-confidence

Realistic self-assessment

Self-deprecating sense of humor - the ability and comfort level with

laughing at one’s self

How can we support our children with

developing self-awareness?

Encourage children to become mindful and pay attention to what is

occurring in any given moment

Encourage children to behave in ways that match how they feel or think

Support children with developing the capacity to reflect on their thoughts

and behavior and learn from their experiences

Support children as they learn to tolerate disappointment and setbacks

Core Emotional Intelligence Concept:

Self-Regulation

Ability to manage and redirect disruptive impulses and moods

Ability to suspend judgement of self and others

Ability to stop and think before acting or talking

Hallmark of Self-Regulation

Trustworthiness and having a high degree of integrity

Ability to tolerate ambiguity

Ability to welcome change

Ability to tolerate disappointment

Ability to tolerate not being in control

How can we support our children

develop self-regulation?

Develop ways to control tempers and handle challenges without them

affecting mood and speech

Develop ways to calm down when angry

When excited, learning ways not to go overboard with effusiveness and

disrupt other processes

Develop ways to demonstrate optimism even when faced with difficulties

Core Emotional Intelligence Concept:

Motivation

Developing a passion to work for reasons beyond grades, money, or

recognition

Developing an interest in pursuing goals with energy and interest

Maintaining optimism even when things are not going well

Using self-regulation to overcome frustration and, possibly, depression that

can result after a setback or failure

Hallmarks of Motivation

Maintaining a determination to achieve

Maintaining optimism even in the face of difficulties

Maintaining persistence even when things become too challenging

Eager and open to explore new approaches and ideas

How can we support our children to

become more motivated?

Help children direct their behavior towards goals they’ve set

Help children learn how to track their behavior to see their progress when

trying to make changes and improvements in their behavior

Help children learn to clarify and focus their goals, maintaining optimism

and a belief that they can achieve those goals with hard work and

perseverance

Help children learn to resist short-term temptations that go against long-

term goals

Core Emotional Intelligence Concept:

Empathy

Ability to understand and appreciate the feelings of others

Treating people according to their emotional reactions

Learning to respond sensitively to the affect of others

Hallmarks of Empathy

Building relationships and conveying an appreciation of others’ uniqueness

Being alert to cultural and historical differences that can drive emotions

Understanding that people can have different perceptions of the same

situation and those perceptions can all generally be accurate

How can we support our children with

developing empathy?

Children can learn to appreciate that everyone has feelings, not just them

Children can learn to appreciate cultural differences of others and how to

respond to them with those differences in mind

Children can learn to appreciate how a problem can be looked at from

many different angles.

Core Emotional Intelligence Concept:

Social Skills

Proficient in managing and building relationships with others, individually

and in groups

Ability to recognize common ground with others and establish relationships

Recognizing how choice of words can indicate and convey feelings and

emotions

Learning how to recognize and respond to nonverbal communications

through facial expressions, eye contact, posture, and gestures

Hallmark of Social Skills

We effectively manage relationships when we understand and control our

emotions and empathize with others

Motivation contributes to social skill – people driven to achieve tend to be

more eager to connect with others

Learning the importance of eye contact, listening, responding

appropriately and not monopolizing the conversation, and thoughtfully

expressing and interpreting others’ feelings

How can we support our children

develop effective social skills?

Helping our children appreciate the importance of nonverbal

communication and body language

Helping our children understand the process of connecting with others

and showing a genuine interest in the other person and their experience

Helping our children learn to use language and affect to express their

needs and influence their environments

Summary

Emotional Intelligence can be learned. The process in doing so is not easy

and takes much time and commitment on the part of the child, parents, and

schools. Self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills

are all inter-related. The success of one can ensure the success of another.

Children who develop a high degree of Emotional Intelligence are aware of

things that help them, know how to calm themselves when discouraged or

overly excited, are curious about themselves and their world and have a

desire to learn, they care about themselves and others, and are adept at

communicating their needs and enthusiasm.

Thank You