P a g e | 1

www.journeytofreedom.ca

Destruction of Love

A Journey to Freedom Copyright © Kathryn Lee Ryder, 2011. All rights reserved. No part of this book (or eBook) may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the express written permission from the author.

Cover by: Jade Ryder

P a g e | 2

www.journeytofreedom.ca

About Kathryn Lee-Ryder Born and raised in a small town in Ontario, Canada Kathryn is the youngest of three children who inherited the motto “Giving up is not an option” from her beloved parents. By twenty-five she held three college certificates, in Financial Accounting, Human Resources and Computer Studies. Subsequently, she worked as a Trainer/ Instructor, Information Technologies Manager, Human Resources Administrator and in Finance. Her success in business led her to personal growth topics, and eventually she found the courage to exit a 23-year abusive relationship. “It was at that lowest point in my life that I began to feel a new sense of strength. The abuse chipped away at my independence and my sense of self, but it also awakened, and then strengthened, my determination to find a better life,” she explains. “My personal journey to empowerment was a slow and steady uphill climb. I owe many thanks to the people in my life that walked beside me and held me up while walking through the many depths of despair. I owe even more gratitude to all the people in my life that tried to beat me down. Without their many forms of torment I would never have summoned the strength, courage and determination to create new life of love, harmony and joy,” she explains. Ms. Ryder now devotes her time to helping other abused women find a whole new beginning in their life. This book is dedicated to them. The events in this story are based on real events, but the names, dates and geographical locations are entirely fictional. Quotes were taken from daily personal journals as well as recollection. Some were edited to avoid repetition or for brevity. This story reflects Kathryn’s opinion about relationship abuse and how it relates to her personal life experiences. It is intended to broaden the reader’s knowledge of abusive type personalities and help those targeted by an abuser to find a better life. It is not a substitute for the advice of trained professionals, in the medical, psychological, law enforcement or any other field. Keep safety your first priority.

P a g e | 3

www.journeytofreedom.ca

Table of Contents Part One Day One ………………………………………………………………………………...……4 Dating …………………………………………………………………………………….…14 Exposed ………………………………………………………………………………….…22 To Love, Cherish and Honour ……………………………………………….……26 Cowboy Boots and a Funeral ………………………………………………….….31 Healing Begins ………………………………………………………………………….37 Stress Management …………………………………………………………………..42 The Calm before the Storm ……………………………………………………….46

Part Two Day Two …………………………………………………………………………………..55 Day Three ………………………………………………………………………….……..58 Attacking through Children ……………………………………………….………61 The Gift of Freedom ………………………………………………………………….68 Near Death, New Life …………………………………………………………….…..88 Full Circle ………………………………………………………………………….….…105

P a g e | 4

www.journeytofreedom.ca

Day One

ugust 2, 2000 was the day I began to spread my wings and

fly to freedom. That Wednesday in August, more than ten

years ago, began as a warm, bright day; but the sky clouded

over and before noon it began raining. It was as if the

weather was reflecting my emotions. From the moment I woke,

before I even opened my eyes, I had to break the day into segments,

some lasting only minutes, to prevent feeling overwhelmed. Each

step was exhausting.

My husband’s violence and manipulation had shattered the

love I held for him. After our 23-year relationship I was so beaten

down that getting back up seemed impossible. But it was at this low

point that I began to feel a new sense of strength. Blake’s abuse had

chipped away at my independence and sense of self, but it had also

awakened, and then strengthened, my determination to find a better

life.

He had conditioned me to fear his anger. Nothing would

enrage him more than leaving, but staying was impossible. The only

way out was to escape after he had gone to work. Any other way was

too dangerous.

5:00 am

Waking up I am alert for sounds of Blake. I hear him in the

kitchen getting ready for work but am afraid to open my eyes. My

heart feels like it might jump out of my chest; my body begins to

shake. Even after I hear him leave I am paralyzed with fear as I wait

to hear the front door lock behind him.

The door closes, the lock turns. He’s gone. I open my eyes

and watch the clock for exactly ten minutes before slowly climbing

out of bed. Anxiety rises as I stand, and a surge of panic seems to

A

P a g e | 5

www.journeytofreedom.ca

overwhelm the core of my being, turning my thoughts chaotic. Still,

there is an energy, a determination and faith, that pushes me forward

and seems to reinforce itself the more I am mindful of it. I repeat,

like affirmations, four statements in my head:

I am determined to find a new life. I have faith my children will someday understand. I have faith I will be kept safe. I have faith Blake will not return early.

Shaking off the fear I begin to pack while our children, Jade and

Hudson, lay sleeping peacefully in their beds.

It was only three weeks ago that I finally decided to leave this

destructive marriage. As soon as I decided everything started

happening at lightning speed. Within a week I had finalized the

purchase of my new home. That led to multiple appointments with

my lawyer, arranging a mortgage at the bank, transferring utilities

into my name, and ordering a telephone line and cable television – all

without Blake’s knowledge. Everything had to be done in secrecy.

Jade and Hudson were on summer vacation. I could not let them

suspect anything. I couldn’t even pack in advance.

When you are in an abusive relationship your decision-making process becomes hostage. Deciding to leave may feel terrifying because the only thing you have to hang on to is the familiarity of your environment. Making a decision, any decision, will change this dramatically. Decide to make safety your first priority.

7:30 am

It is time to wake Jade and Hudson. They jump out of bed

with excitement, knowing that my mother plans to take them to the

zoo and then for a swim.

I try my best to smile until they are safely out of the house.

P a g e | 6

www.journeytofreedom.ca

This is more difficult than I thought it would be. The effect on my

children has weighed heavily on me. I had sought advice from

counselors and professionals. They all said the same: children are

extremely resilient, and that it is much healthier to teach them that

love is not supposed to hurt than it is to raise them in an abusive

home. Research, they told me, indicates the adjustment period will

be about two years. I push a nagging sense of guilt aside by focusing

on the life I want to give them: the safety of a loving, caring home. I

want them to understand that love is respectful and kind, not

controlling and angry. They deserve a better home.

The minute Jade and Hudson are out the door I call my friend.

“Paige,” I tell her almost breathlessly, “Jade and Hudson just left the

house.”

“Susan and I will be right there,” she assures, referring to

another friend.

I continue packing, now more quickly. I can feel anxiety

building within. My mind is swirling. I try to hold on to my faith, but

fear is exploding into a powerful headache. I become confused and

disoriented by “what if” scenarios. My biggest fear is Blake returning

home before I leave.

I try to stay positive. I try to think of a life full of love,

harmony and joy. All I can do is imagine one. Challenges, I tell

myself, are placed before us so we may rise to the occasion and find a

new version of ourselves. I had planted my seeds to freedom months

ago and I am determined to let them grow. Nothing, no one, is going

to stop me from making my break today. I can hardly believe I am

doing this. Where am I getting the strength? Alongside the fear I

begin feeling gratitude; I am truly blessed to be breaking free.

Blake’s abuse escalated in April 2000, after he found out I

intended to leave him. Intense abuse, as well as struggles for power

and control, dominated the next four months. Without my family and

friends I would have lost my mind. The struggle led me to what I

thought was a final day of reckoning. I believed that once I fled the

matrimonial home I would be living the life I had dreamed of.

However, I soon discovered nothing could have been farther from the

P a g e | 7

www.journeytofreedom.ca

truth. Blake would not let go so easily.

My father arrives shortly after my mother leaves with the

children. I feel much safer. Dad has been my pillar of strength since

my marriage began to break down. Prior to summer, he visited me

every weekday after Jade and Hudson went to school. He would

spend every morning with me, listening and guiding me to stand

strong against Blake’s abuse, manipulation and control.

After my father, my sister Tabatha – one of my closest, dearest

friends – arrives. She is another pillar of strength in my life, my

confidant and mentor.

Next Paige, our friend Susan, and my two nephews arrive to

make this move a reality. The action begins. Dad is the group

manager making sure everything runs effectively and with utmost

efficiency. Tabatha takes on the role of supervisor and organizer.

Any questions are directed to her.

By the time the truck arrives the packing is well under way.

This is when things really begin to speed up. The first load is ready

to go; it heads to my new home.

In less than an hour the men return with the truck. Round

two begins.

Blake and I have lived in our home for seven years. Some of

the neighbours are curious and bold enough to approach the movers

with questions. The movers tell me one neighbour asked whether

Blake knows I am moving out.

They replied that they “didn’t know anything.”

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Ignorant

people are quick to make judgments based on their perceptions of

how things look on the outside. One neighbouring family bought into

Blake’s story to such a degree that, to this day, they will walk by me

on the street without acknowledging who I am. Ignorance is bliss to

those who like to stand in judgment.

Once the truck is loaded with the last of my possessions,

everyone but Tabatha and I go to my new home. While I am cleaning

Tabatha tells me she is leaving. Panic strikes. “What if Blake comes

home? I don’t want to be here alone.” My sister sits tight and waits

P a g e | 8

www.journeytofreedom.ca

for our father to return.

A support system is vital. It may consist of several people or just one. They can be family members, friends or professionals. Having someone to lean on when you feel emotional or in danger is a necessity if you are to maneuver successfully out of an abusive relationship. Safety is your main focus. Having a safety plan in advance will help in any emergency situation.

2:00 pm

I finish cleaning just as Dad and my nephew returns. The time

has arrived to say goodbye to the life I once knew. I lock the back

doors and take one final look around the empty home that had been

mine for the last seven years. Jade was less than three years old and

Hudson not yet born when we moved in. It has seen love, hatred,

laughter, tears, joy and sadness. Strangely, it is unbelievably hard to

leave. Sadness almost overwhelms me.

However, if Blake had felt any concern for our family he

would have taken a step back to consider the best plan of action for

our children. Allowing Jade and Hudson to remain in this home with

their mother would have helped them feel safe and secure while our

marriage ended. There would have been less disruption.

Blake was thinking only of what he wanted. He refused to let

go of our marriage, repeatedly insisting it was not over. When he

finally began to realize my mind was made up and there was no

changing it, he switched tactics. “You can leave but the children must

stay,” he warned. He had little to do with their upbringing, but if I left

I would have to leave them with him. There was no way I would let

this happen.

Taking one last look around the home I shut and lock the front

door. Emotions rise like a flood. I once loved him more than life

itself. It is not my desire to inflict pain on Blake, even after the abuse

P a g e | 9

www.journeytofreedom.ca

I had suffered through the years.

However, the day of reckoning has arrived. It is now a case of

survival. It seems to me that if Blake can’t have me he insists on

destroying me. I am a survivor refusing to bow down to his

demands. I cannot stay with him one more day. Lawyers told me,

“Do not leave without the children or you will never get them back.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.”

Standing on the front lawn I can’t stop crying. Dad steps

forward to lift my spirits and help me through my turmoil. “Kathryn,

Blake forced your hand on this one, he left you no choice,” he tells

me. But knowing and understanding why I am doing this does

nothing to stop me from thinking about Blake. What happens when

he comes home to find an empty house with his family gone? I don’t

want to leave this way. I wish there was an alternative but there

isn’t. Feeling too emotional to operate a vehicle, I ask my nephew to

drive us to my new home.

When I arrive I remember the advice to call the local police

and warn that Blake may react violently. One of his hobbies is deer

hunting, and he has no shortage of rifles and ammunition. Several

people, including me, could be in danger.

The police ask for my new address and my parents’. They

assure me they will be on alert for an emergency telephone call from

either one. They suggest we remain in hiding for forty-eight hours.

Apparently, this is a good cooling-down period for people like Blake.

My nephew runs outside to remove the “Sold” sign off the

front lawn. Paige offers to hide my van behind her home for a few

days. I’m on the final stretch to freedom – or so I think.

Google Your Way to Freedom

If you start by Googling your way to freedom, you may find that freedom is the power or right to think, say and do as you want; a right or power to engage in certain actions without control or interference; the

P a g e | 10

www.journeytofreedom.ca

condition of being free of restraints; the capacity to exercise choice, or free will; and exemption from an unpleasant or onerous condition.

If you are in an abusive relationship you are far from freedom, but you may be surprised to discover just how many chains bind everyday people living in countries that claim to be free. You are not alone.

4:00 pm

My mother arrives with Jade and Hudson. They are excited

about swimming in the backyard pool – until they walk through the

front door. They stop dead in their tracks.

“What is our furniture doing in this house? Where is Dad?

What have you done?” They start crying and screaming. Nothing

could have prepared me for this, but something is providing me with

the strength to maneuver through this day. I walk forward to greet

them. Taking their hands I lead them upstairs. Of course, they hated

their bedrooms at first glance. What else could I expect?

After a quick glance at her room Jade makes her way back

down the stairs to the living room to be with her Grandma. Jade was

born with a natural intuition and many years later informed me that

this move was no shock to her.

Hudson, on the other hand, is devastated. He runs into my

room flopping his face onto my bed. A few minutes later he sits up,

“Will Dad come here after work?”

“No Hudson. I have left your Dad. This is our new home. ”

He begins yelling at me, “If Dad dies of a broken heart it is

your fault.”

I hang my head in despair. “Yes Hudson, it will be my fault.”

The urge to take responsibility for everything kicks into my

psyche again. Why do I think I am responsible? I feel I am

responsible because I have been brainwashed to believe everything

P a g e | 11

www.journeytofreedom.ca

is my fault. The truth is Blake abused me for twenty-three years. It

was his actions that destroyed my love for him. He was the one who

refused to end our marriage in a civil manner. It was his control,

manipulation and anger that caused me to reach deep within myself

to find the courage I needed to escape the grip he held me in. Blake’s

attempts at destroying me brought about his own destruction.

Standing where I am today it is easy to see he had only himself to

blame.

I silently pray, “Lord, please, keep Blake safe. Please surround

him with your love and carry him through this terrible shock.”

My heart is breaking for my children, I am seriously

concerned about Blake and once again, my needs, wants and desires

are of no concern to me.

I deserve the backlash, I tell myself. I wanted it all to be

different.

Targets of abuse often feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for the actions of others. It is necessary to accept responsibility for your own actions, but it becomes unhealthy when you take the blame for everything that happens. Abusive blackmailers make it necessary to comply with their demands, creating an atmosphere in which the target begins accepting responsibility for everything without even being aware that this is becoming a habitual way of seeing the world. Eventually, the target develops an overwhelming need to accept responsibility when any problem presents itself.

5:30 pm

Blake’s immediate reaction, as usual, is to place the blame on

someone else. He telephones my father, yelling at the top of his

lungs, “You have just destroyed my family. This is your fault. You

P a g e | 12

www.journeytofreedom.ca

and your money will cause Kathryn to lose everything. I am going to

sue her for desertion.”

Blake is obviously screaming in fear himself. Why else would

he be lashing about? In Blake’s world, pain deserves pain. In

hindsight I can see this clearly.

My father is concerned by Blake’s threats. I do my best to

reassure him, telling him that all options were thoroughly researched

through lawyers and the local Women’s Resource Centre.

It’s the same old story. If the truth makes Blake look bad he

will invent a story. Even so, there is a small voice in my head asking,

“What if?” I decide to call my lawyer first thing in the morning. I

desperately want to believe everything is okay. However, leaving

Blake did not magically give me a new personality. I still shake when

he confronts me with his anger and aggression. The only difference

is I have managed to slide out from under his control for the first

time. This step forward gives me a bit of confidence and helps me

keep my faith.

Some say karma is a natural consequence of past actions. If

this holds any truth, Blake is experiencing what he deserves for all

the pain he has inflicted on his family.

But what I don’t know is that the abuse Jade, Hudson and I

had suffered would be a walk in the park compared to what Blake is

about to drag us through.

If you think you are in an abusive relationship make safety your priority. Create a safety plan because an emergency situation can present itself very unexpectedly. Here’s how. Pack an emergency suitcase and leave it with a trusted friend or family member. It should include necessities for you and your children: clothes, toiletries, eye glasses, medical resources (cards/immunization records, medicine), copies of important papers (or record the numbers on paper), partner’s driver’s license

P a g e | 13

www.journeytofreedom.ca

number, make/model and license plate of partner’s vehicle, passports, birth certificates, credit cards and bank account information, address/phone book, social Insurance/social security cards (you and your partner’s), insurance policies, photographs of your partner, children and yourself, extra keys for home and vehicles, money (bills and change), and precious keepsakes. Hide a mobile phone ready for your use. Advise your children where to find it and how to use it. Talk to your children about staying safe in an emergency. Teach them how to call “911” and tell them where they can run for help. Plan an escape route for you and your children in case of violence and practice it regularly. Talk to your neighbours and give them permission to call authorities if they suspect you or your children are in danger.

P a g e | 14

www.journeytofreedom.ca

Dating

lake entered the bar just before midnight, his smile lighting up

the room. We’d met a year earlier, in 1976, and all I could

think while I watched him make his way through the room

was whether or not he would recognize me. When he looked at me

everything else seemed to fade into the background. Then, he

walked towards my table. By the end of the night he had asked me

out on a date.

I was nineteen, carefree and eager to be independent, which

in my mind meant to have a life separate from my family. I was home

from college that weekend and out with my older brother. I’d dated a

bit, but this was the first time I felt a thrill.

Looking back there was nothing that remarkable about Blake.

He was twenty-one, of average height, just 5’ 10”, but more muscular

than most men I knew. He made a point of showing off his upper

body by wearing tight t-shirts. He kept his dirty blond hair in a style

that was common at that time: shoulder length and swept back. He

was independent, though. As a pipefitter his work was steady, well-

paying, and gave him plenty of opportunity to travel around the

region for work. Unlike my college classmates, he had plenty of cash

to spend, seemed sure of himself, and was secure about his future.

Our first date raced into a relationship that had a force of its

own, one that felt exciting to yield to. I felt a magnetic attraction that

was uncontrollable. Blake was charming, romantic, charismatic and

confident. He was also manipulative, hurtful and mean. As a young

woman I was confused by his Jekyll and Hyde personality. The

attentive and loving side of his personality, especially during the first

year of our relationship, was so reassuring that I convinced myself to

overlook the danger signs. Surely, I reasoned, a man who could

express such warmth and concern for me was worth sticking by

while we worked through our troubles. I also found it increasingly

difficult to separate myself from the love I felt for him. I would do

B

P a g e | 15

www.journeytofreedom.ca

anything – including deceiving myself and my family – to be with

him.

We create our own reality. Fantasy easily becomes reality when you love someone and want to believe in them. This can lead into the vicious cycle of abuse. When your abuser floods you with loving gestures between the abusive episodes it is difficult to face the cold, harsh reality of the ugly side. Furthermore, it is impossible for any two people to hold the same reality in life. Your version consists of beliefs, desires and judgments molded by experiences since childhood. When dealing with abusive men you can rationalize anything if you want to. It all depends on what you want, how bad you want it and why. Logic serves no purpose in desire.

Continued…

Read free on-line @

http://www.journeytofreedom.ca/onlinebook/index.html

or purchase your own copy @

http://journeytofreedom.ca/?page_id=1800

P a g e | 16

www.journeytofreedom.ca

~

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which

we think we cannot.”

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

~

Share Your Story

Kathryn invites YOU to share any stories you may have about your own personal life story or comments you wish to share about this book. Write about your trials and tribulations, your dreams and goals, your smiles and tears, your inspirations and motivations or just anything you wish to share. Click on this link and write away…

http://www.journeytofreedom.ca/your-story/

Join this book’s Facebook fanpage @

https://www.facebook.com/destructionoflove