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REPORTP . O . B o x 2 2 1 1 3 IOFTEN IN ERROR - NEVER IN DOUBT, s . F . c A 9 4 1 2 2

'------Eerry-ehrishmish I s ic ]Decemt

COME ON FEEL THE NOIZE: ULTRJ\-DIN AIID THE NEW SILENCE

Silent Night? Dream about i t pal ! I f you think you're-going !9 get somep".". and quiet over the holi-day season, you better slip oT lle noiseel iminator i because i f Santa ob6ys fedeial automot ive rggulat ions you'11hear a beep-beep-beep every time he and Rudolph back off the roof. Maybesi lence usla to be g-otaen, but in today's wor ld of subwoofers and digi ta lbeep ing , i t ' s muLt i -P la t inum.We Lan-attribute thi-s unfortunate situation to the conspiratorialunification of digital chip technology, Mad.ison Avenue, tl le internatj-onalentertainment comfrunity an-a various f6iit ica1-social subclasses who have a1I-onspired, to market a 6undLe of cons-umer electronic noise-makers by teachingus tb r r fear " s i lence.Like monkeys separated f rom maternal roots, w€ cling to any "$tj 're motherrlthat t icks off i regular rrheartbeat" - We clutch boomboxes and pocketbeepers, somehow pa-it ied by the low-level din that rej-nforces our ownpre-natal presence. I make noise, therefore, I am.if raid of inissing that important buy-selI agreement - better.. br-ing the

Cont,inued on page 4

FnoM th6 EditorYO HO HO, TIS THE SEASON - While the music bLzfocuses good cheer on Jimmy Iovine's "Special

Chr istmas" LP, another yulet ide char i ty plat terseems to be going unnoticed. "O Come All YeFaithlessr" a benef i t LP for the seasonal lyd e p r e s s e d f e a t u r e s v a r i o u S p o p m u s i c s t a r s , b o t h � � �in-and out of therapy, incl-uding St ing, Loret ta Lynn, and Al ice Cooper. The

A ! i . ^ ^ 1 . . ^ l - l l T # , { a i l ^ l l ^ A n 2f i rst s ingle, a Natal ie Merchant-Michael- St ipe duet, " I t Came Upon aMidnight Drearyr" has just been released to col lege radio.OFTEN IN ERROR-- Last monthrs pro-Pop Music endorsement art ic le (rrWhatrs SoFunny About Peace, Love and eop Musil Endorsements?'r) spawned the usualdiati ibe of i l l i t6rate complai-nts and angry letters. In response to some ofthe more speci f ic comments-: (1) No, our hela is not up our ass t !? ) the sameto your coilective mothers; (3) if we wanted your opinion we would haveche3*ed the to i le t ; (4 ) y€s , - i i ' s t rue Br ian w i lson 's fa ther so ld the BeachBoys publ ishing long-bef6re the Sunkist commercials, but even i f One-Eyedt' luira| hadn't 6one it, Eugene Landy would have signed the Papers lnYyay;.ar-td(5) w3 would have been yoir fatherl but the guy in front of us had the rightchange. An1ruay, have the merr iest of Chr ishmishes! [s ic] .

(c) A&R 1987

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Fight Cavities

Fotol hit on Wise GuysMY husband andI are tremen-dous fans of thenew NBC show,Wise GuA. Bfithe producersmade a terriblemistake by kill-ing off SonnySteelgrade (Ray

'Sharkey). Therewas a special

chemistry between him and VinnieTbranova (Ken Wahl). Unless theYfind a way to bring Sonny back, thesho[,Xa;*i1f$31*dShrewsbury, Mass.

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HIGH.TECII TUATTO SCARE OFF

OBSCE]IE CAI]ERSYOU can throw a scareinto obscene phone callerswith a remarkable new de-vice that lets you changeyour sex over the phone.

T h e v o i c e ! e n d e rchan_g_er, available throu ghthe Hammacher Schlem-mer catalog, alters thepitch of your voice from.say, soprano to bass -s u r e t o t e r r i f y a n ynarasSer.

CIIRISTMAS TNEEBEAUTY IilSTAl{TtYJust spray our glow-in-the.dark snow onyour Christmas treeand transform yourhome into a wiriterwonderland! lt alsocreates a lovelvsight when spriyed0n trees outdoorslSpray Snow-J505810 . . . .S3 .99

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SATISFACTIONGUARANTEED

The device attaches tothe telephone mouthpiecewith a rubber coupler. It

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beeper! And hey, don't worry about forgett ing your bankcard, the ATM wil lalert everyone within 50 yards what an asshole you are. Have a deathly fearof los ing your keys? Just whis t le or c lap for them. Don' t forget yourradio at the ballgame got to be sure you get the most up-to-dateplay-by-p lay. Oh oh? Wherers baby? Don' t f re t , just turn on the t rPocketNannyrr to hear i f Junior is wi th in 150 yards of h is p laypen.Afraid of running over somebody while backing up in your new 4x4? Fear nomore as roadways and construction sites have turned into a beeping, tweakingnightmare unti l the combined din beeomes such a secondary wash that i t nolonger alerts us to the potential danger j-t was instal led to prevent. Sowhat i f nobody pays any attention to your auto a1arm, at least you have thesecurity of knowing that when your Mazda is r ipped off, the thief wil l havehis eardrums damaged by the decibel emission.None of this would have been possible, were it not for the acceleratingsound levels of modern culture and the digital revolution which spawnedchip-emi t ted sound. Prey ing upon our insecur i t ies ( Ioss of proper ty , lossof soc ia l esteem, fear of in jury) , these cabal is t ic forces have pushedfonnrard the frontiers of aural refuse. What was started by Casio, Atari andYamaha has slowly crept j-nto every phase of our l i fe our car dashboard,microwave oven, answering machine, even greeting cards, unti l we can nolonger move about without our eustachian canal being f i l led with FIIrecreated wave synthesis .The concept of "o ld s i lencerr is no longer wor th pursui -ng. Having leg is la tedagainst the b ig env i ronmenta l no ises ( je ts , jackhammers, and rock musj .cshows) we have sl ipped into a twil ight world in which we unconsciouslyaccept thousands of re-occurring "l i t , t le" noises unaware that they are al lcontr ibut ing to one massj .ve u l t ra-d in. Our only hope is "new s i lencer"(also known as anti-noise) a combined static and wave-sound generation thatcan cancel and defuse the aural garbage in which we are submerged.Unti l such audio-scuba tanks are perfected, w€ must meditate on the randombombardment to our ears. So th is Chr ishmish [s ic ] even though you can ' tgive t,he gift of si lence, dt least try and remember to turn off the SearsCraftsman Full-sensor house alarm system before Santa comes barrel ing downthe chimney.

+- R': Rock: [ r€ arnS"John L1don"

R r^,n: rtlri4 his brkc on a couniv,l roo.J . scw John L1lo", on a EIQ Q,rfiherahead. 5oneJ*""na4"rs rn a hot c4rtSpel by R * gvll<d lp ntiff to Jolrn ,shfieJlnvlthq hn. ?. roai his bite ll-fi',ee" {ne "o/ * Joli + {ofd John," $rc Setfec slic}.trqcil&r 't;l we. 4et rid rt lhese a-holeg.' rten John t R. wcrc in a coua*rqhi.+c rn a bcasli{.tl faofr r but 1tr2 doan wcs loctzed. lhs lena6ers nay ha.-velocEed -ilrevt in. th< rcom .was lih. rhe lirsl video {,. 6ome-*amisong " I6at A.t ltrhd Set 0n Yo,r." R. -6"nd a bi1 roee-colore d qlosi Ju,ocd in 1te noon.{ re"\ia"d *he leena.4ers warl"d 'J. ? lJld John," $te cin v7 lhis sword {o gcfwt.o( herc. q1. can ilrcrrttn # brre?'/.'r€ fiar l,"n'* let trS Ao." thtnPmade0 deql wi.ld J4rr l+enaaerj -fnat it fio+r kf ijr * John 4o.rhe woutdn4 brnkIte g.^rord + {he lecvuicrs iltl

,' 0K, din'* bvalc.,l!, Rl"id n"^ he wortJleqv 'fhe ,wonJ .yl a'rer.ta,h ,;lrnet + lotd +te feenaaeeg not /o {otlonthen.0"t ?. Lrrey, {l,c }eenaqer urould $tlo,u 'ltrcvrn ,* decided'+o hye a d,{qtent rote.John wan*ed -lvhuL it"is hrce carpet f7'rqf was in t*,l-roun+ hc rctkd * r,p iwantd + CInrY 't orr his ti,u", f"+ R Knc- +hr1 ioal iar" +o dilar nr'rorprfbecutle nt woi enDrmous + *oo moca i, urr'g. C;b Enew +hat tE noilq'wcgn'l

5ofn3 lo leave rne s*o"d {or Ih" k"noi""r,. rh.n R woLt ,o,il,lt5(rrr€ n'3hl A dreqneJ 'ftrat fl. garc her a b.L*t'{."1 ro*-color.d gtass g"tac.

!iL, cor#r'gufd: pn," FFF." hc was proclairninq up a s{orm * w{e jr* nivetrirq, like, aSsnil'r5 p.F crosged wi*h a clonrn'. il...or\ YeetLed +u b sltdt,n^ hrnsei{.'-Jd*'.t"^in*ro -+o * &lacktubb.. Boqs" he -lrcned his back oh fhe ard,r"rrc! +"*lrife his bacta. rrral*ume,l,,-+tq crourd nr5he&" t\" Str.qz + when John trcncd apourrd + j4w €u€rqon4,he sard, " ficErn. ay, urhe re dtl qou lot c4ry.e 6o*?; A auple son3s l"tif

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*T* not conlnqlact- hl +W ashole dd* here .no nore lo * w,ured ,rr iE. *;* t;*"band (otlowlnS ! !t' {he cnwl thrted looinq John, brt nr'n- ,n^Xsri ,1, nind *skrted boLiil $r {he,g'!n Thanl,nqn6e+ t*' oof-it* f,^ o;Jl;';ji )u*n,

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.+hH arey !*/" o{{tosAl:oib inh +to'orazrd a thewrhrs of tleavate^c<' silne(, 'fte "-glts o"^,ry-3u1 so fu rmdies c'r^rl spof hin, then 5 0f flzr"adies (ans daan oi+-tt",s+tg{,i m,!e. or leel rttrcs{led A;n irtto 6 ide?'t'?' ,ft i,Til ,*o' h+atlf . 'r;, t4 *hoi.-t ' it , i-irf ff to fu u,cg Eind orhoro Looo^)

? lonJ ?n, b b,f !%.#natl<1 qof hin of then eutrpne -ar**'tattq nu*s d' hati John b:i* ^{ e";

';:;' ,-ome bocL ouf * did"Yhig' rs whaf Y' w. nt. ," lhof - i t +"t i* i by ̂ .co.vplg of enare !,neg-**rpr:^) -, * * [a;s dr,,,., wL; 5o toud # v,i;oi;-'' i,;' o1rto,tr.

fu.f wa9 Vind "f a hew SenSa.h'on. :

DArE..N...LgYlllAFTERSHOWOII

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'oFTEN r/v ERRoR - NEVER tn ooufir,

Ever wonder what happened to all that BIG food you used to shovel downy6ur al imentary canal? Nowaddys, al l thatrs avi i lable is pet i te miniaturevariations - bitesize and beyond. The great impetus for this change ineat ing habi ts is due to tor t l iabi l i ty-and the-publ ic 's lack of knowtedgeconcernilg the Heimlich maneuver, however some of the evolutj.on of t iny-food is due to a conspirator ia l ef for t to br j -ng us c loser and closer to aSoylent Green mental i ty. Herein are the facts!

OF TINY

TTIE SEVEN BASIC FOOD GROUPS

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