Dealing WithConflict

Don Rooks

Georgia School Boards Association

GAEL Secretaries ConferenceSeptember 13, 2007

How do We Deal With Conflict?How do We Deal With Conflict?

Watch Your Language!Watch Your Language!

More about this later.

Is Conflict Inevitable?Is Conflict Inevitable?

Yes!Yes!

Conflict is InevitableConflict is Inevitable

We will face conflict everyday.

But, it can be managed or resolved in ways that result in

positive outcomes.

Secretaries Know That The Secretaries Know That The Greatest Cause of Conflict Is…Greatest Cause of Conflict Is…

Change!Change!

Secretaries Know ThatSecretaries Know ThatConflict Can Produce Bad ResultsConflict Can Produce Bad Results

• When there are threats and accusations resulting in blame and anger

• When issues proliferate from one to many

• When specifics are replaced by general issues – from a specific behavior to the entire relationship

Conflict Can Produce Bad ResultsConflict Can Produce Bad Results

• When concern for self turns into retaliation, resulting in a desire to hurt another or to get even

• When the number of parties increases, resulting in factions or cliques

What Can We Learn About What Can We Learn About Conflict?Conflict?

Lessons from the Geese

Fact 1:

As each goose flaps its wings, it creates an uplift for the birds that follow. By flying in a v-formation, the whole flock adds 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew alone.

Lesson 1:

People who share a common direction and a sense of community can get where they are going much quicker and easier because they are traveling on the thrust of one another.

This, Then, is a Lesson on the This, Then, is a Lesson on the Importance of Harmony in Our Importance of Harmony in Our

RelationshipsRelationships

Fact 2:When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of flying alone. It quickly moves back into formation, to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front of it.

Lesson 2:

If we have as much sense as a goose, we stay in formation with those headed where we want to go. We are willing to accept their help and give our help to others.

This is a Lesson on the Importance This is a Lesson on the Importance of Cooperation in Our of Cooperation in Our

RelationshipsRelationships

Fact 3:

When the lead goose tires, it rotates back into the formation and another goose flies to the point position.

Lesson 3:

It pays to take turns doing the hard tasks and sharing leadership. As with geese, people are interdependent on each others’ skills, capabilities and unique arrangements of gifts, talents and resources.

This is a Lesson on the Importance This is a Lesson on the Importance of Supporting One Anotherof Supporting One Another

Fact 4:

The geese flying in formation honk to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

Lesson 4:

We need to make sure our honking is encouraging. In groups where there is encouragement, the production is much greater. The power of encouragement is the quality of honking we seek.

This Lesson Teaches Us That This Lesson Teaches Us That Caring Is ImportantCaring Is Important

Fact 5:

When a goose gets sick, wounded or shot down, two geese drop out of formation, and follow it down to help and protect it. They stay with the fallen goose until it dies or is able to fly again, and only then do they launch out with another formation or catch up with the flock.

Lesson 5:

If we have as much sense as geese, we will stand by each other in difficult times as well as when we are strong.

And finally, We Learn from the And finally, We Learn from the Geese That Courage is ImportantGeese That Courage is Important

To Summarize:To Summarize:

It Is Important In Our Relationships

to Build HarmonyHarmony, CooperationCooperation,

Mutual SupportMutual Support, Caring for One Caring for One

AnotherAnother, And to Have the CourageCourage

of Our Convictions

OverviewOverview

• Perception

• Conflict

• Dealing With Conflict

• Dealing With A Chronic Complainer

OverviewOverview• Five strategies for dealing with

conflict.

• Three types of needs that produce conflict.

• Three processes that are used universally to resolve conflict.

Conflict is InevitableConflict is Inevitable

The issue is not whether we will experience conflict - we will!

The issue is how we will respond to it.

We See Conflict Expressed Daily in Newspaper Headlines

Recent HeadlinesRecent Headlines

• Auditors Question Spending by DA

• School Brawl Ends in Stabbing

• The Debate Over Illegal Immigration

• Judge Demands Details on Jail Taser Use

• Safety in the Skies Divides Air Traffic Controllers, FAA

Secretaries Have Learned That:Secretaries Have Learned That:

We act in accordance with the truth

not as it is,

but as we believe it to be.

Lou Tice “Investment in Excellence”

Secretaries Know This Important Secretaries Know This Important Fact:Fact:

Satisfied needs do not motivate.

It’s only the unsatisfied need that motivates.

Secretaries Know That the Way People See Things – Their

Perception or Their Mental Image – Is Very Important

Secretaries Want to Know:Secretaries Want to Know:How Does Perception Impact Conflict?How Does Perception Impact Conflict?

The Role of Perception The Role of Perception in Conflictin Conflict

Many times there is no problem.Big conflicts often are based on

no problem at all; because people get upset based on their own perception

(mental image) of reality.

Secretaries Know That:

PerceptionsPerceptions determine emotions (feelings)

EmotionsEmotions determine behaviors

BehaviorsBehaviors determine outcomes

Secretaries Want to Know: What Things Influence Our

Perception?

• Our Experience

• Our Goals

• Our Values

Secretaries Know That There Are Secretaries Know That There Are Three Possible Ways to Three Possible Ways to

Perceive RealityPerceive Reality• How I see things - based on my own

experience, goals and values

• How you see things - based on your experience, goals and values

• How things really are - the best chance of success in problem solving

Secretaries Now Know the Secretaries Now Know the Following:Following:

Our perception of reality influences our responses

even if we know we do not have all of the information

about what actually occurred.

Secretaries Want to Know –Secretaries Want to Know –What Stimulates Conflict?What Stimulates Conflict?

The Belief (which may not be true) that“If you get what you want,

I can’t get what I want.”

BehaviorsActually, a collision of behaviors:

One or both parties interfere with the goals of the other.

Three Kinds of Needs: The Three Kinds of Needs: The Sources of All ConflictSources of All Conflict

• Resources Needs - not enough

• Psychological Needs – to be somebody; to win; self-esteem

• Needs Based on Values - Beliefs people hold most dear

Secretaries Want to Know: What Secretaries Want to Know: What Can Cause Conflict to Escalate?Can Cause Conflict to Escalate?

• Accusations and threats.

• Moving from a single issue to multiple issues.

• Generalizing from the specific problemto the entire relationship.

Actions that May Escalate ConflictActions that May Escalate Conflict

• Turning feelings into hate.

• Wasting energy on getting even.

Actions that May Escalate ConflictActions that May Escalate Conflict

• Turning feelings into hate.

• Wasting energy on getting even.

• Enlisting others to help fight the battle.

The Conflict EscalatorThe Conflict Escalator

Anger

Frustration

Conflict

Peace

?

Hostility

Peace

Rooks Educational Services

Secretaries Know That The Greatest Conflict Resolution Skill Is –

Listening!!

To Be a Good Listener, To Be a Good Listener, We Should:We Should:

Seek first to understand,

then to be understood.

Steven Covey The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Secretaries Know That There Are Secretaries Know That There Are Two Powerful Messages We Two Powerful Messages We

Send When We Listen to OthersSend When We Listen to Others

1. You are Valued.

2. You are Understood.

Secretaries Also Know That There Secretaries Also Know That There Are Two Reasons Are Two Reasons WeWe Listen Listen

1. To Respond.

2. To Understand.

Secretaries Know That All Listening Secretaries Know That All Listening Is Not Equal: There Are Five Levels Is Not Equal: There Are Five Levels

of Listeningof Listening

Empathic

Attentive

Selective

Pretending

Ignoring

• Practice Rapid Repeat

• Put other thoughts out of your mind

• Don’t talk too much

• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

• Face the person, lean slightly forward, and make eye contact

How Can Secretaries Become Better How Can Secretaries Become Better Listeners?Listeners?

Sender Receiver

Secretaries Know That Secretaries Know That Communication MeansCommunication MeansShared UnderstandingShared Understanding

Sender Receiver

But Secretaries Also Know That But Secretaries Also Know That There Are Barriers to There Are Barriers to

UnderstandingUnderstanding

Noise

Daydreaming

Response Thoughts

Movement

There Are Only Three Ways to There Are Only Three Ways to Resolve ConflictResolve Conflict

• Negotiation – Discussion without a third party

• Mediation - Includes a neutral third party who cannot make a binding decision

• Arbitration - Includes a third party who can make a decision binding on both parties

Secretaries Follow the Rules for Secretaries Follow the Rules for Managing ConflictManaging Conflict

1. They identify the problem.

2. They focus on the problem.

3. They attack the problem, not the person.

4. They listen with an open mind.

Avoid These Fouls to Avoid These Fouls to Manage Conflict Well Manage Conflict Well

(Watch Your Language!)(Watch Your Language!)

• Blaming, threats, name calling.

• Bossing.

• Making excuses.

• Not listening.

• Getting even.

How Does The Golden Rule Fit In?How Does The Golden Rule Fit In?

What Is It? Does following it build good chemistry in relationships?

Five Tips To Build Chemistry Five Tips To Build Chemistry Instead Of ConflictInstead Of Conflict

Watch Your Language!

Five Tips To Build Chemistry Five Tips To Build Chemistry Instead Of ConflictInstead Of Conflict

Live by the Platinum Rule

The Platinum RuleThe Platinum Rule

Do unto others the way they want to be done unto.

Tony Allesandra“The Platinum Rule”Insight, No. 165, p.20

Five Tips To Build Chemistry Five Tips To Build Chemistry Instead Of ConflictInstead Of Conflict

• Watch Your Language

• Live by the Platinum Rule

• Recognize that conflict is inevitable, and develop your own strategies for dealing with it

• Become a good listener (not a pretender)

• Stay calm and think things through

Before Conflict Is Resolved:Before Conflict Is Resolved:Four Preconditions for Reaching Four Preconditions for Reaching Conflict Resolution Must ExistConflict Resolution Must Exist

1. A concern for mutual gain

– Knowledge that helping you meet your needs can help me meet my needs

2. Flexible on solutions; firm on interests– Willing to negotiate to find solutions that

satisfy both parties’ needs

Four Preconditions for Reaching Four Preconditions for Reaching Conflict ResolutionConflict Resolution

3. Creativity– Develop a Plan B– Be willing to brainstorm solutions

4. Separation of people from the problem – Be soft on people – Be hard on the problem

Secretaries Know What They Secretaries Know What They Can Do To Can Do To

Manage ConflictManage Conflict

• Have patience.

• Stay calm. Control your temper.

• Practice Good listening skills.

Secretaries Know What They Secretaries Know What They Can Do To Can Do To

Manage ConflictManage Conflict

• Ask good questions.

• Think things through.

• Ask the key question: What can I do

to resolve the problem?

Five Strategies Secretaries Can Five Strategies Secretaries Can Use To Manage ConflictUse To Manage Conflict

1. Yield • Unilaterally give in to the other person.

2. Withdraw• Abandon the conflict.

3. Inaction• Procrastinate (believe the problem will solve

itself or deny there is a problem)

Five Strategies for Five Strategies for Managing ConflictManaging Conflict

4. Contend • “Only one of us will win, and it’s going to be me!”

5. Problem Solve• Get to a win-win solution in which both parties

believe they have won.

Helga Rhode, Psy. D.“Dealing with Conflict &

Communication”

Helpful TipsHelpful TipsSecretaries May Use When The Secretaries May Use When The

Contend Strategy Is UsedContend Strategy Is Used• Discuss the present and future; don’t place

blame for past wrongdoing

• Allow the other person to state their point of view without interrupting

• Express your feelings rather than dramatize them

How Can Secretaries Deal With How Can Secretaries Deal With The Chronic Complainer?The Chronic Complainer?

Understand Their MotiveUnderstand Their Motive

• They want someone else to solve their problem.

• Complaints are defense mechanisms against self-blame.

How Do Secretaries Describe the How Do Secretaries Describe the Chronic Complainer?Chronic Complainer?

• They feel powerless to deal with problems they know about - but you can, so it’s your problem.

• They make accusations.

• They have a strong sense of what ought to be.

• To themselves, they are morally perfect.

Coping Skills Secretaries Can Use Coping Skills Secretaries Can Use With Chronic ComplainersWith Chronic Complainers

• Listen attentively, but don’t fall into the trap of apologizing.

• Ask questions: Have them check out facts for themselves.

• Ask them what they intend to do; help them stay in a problem solving mode.

Coping Skills Secretaries Can Use Coping Skills Secretaries Can Use With Chronic ComplainersWith Chronic Complainers

• If they complain about a third party, ask them if they’ve discussed the problem with that party. Suggest they meet. Ask if you can tell the third party what they said.

• Never accuse a complainer of complaining.

Coping Skills Secretaries Can Use Coping Skills Secretaries Can Use With Chronic ComplainersWith Chronic Complainers

• Ask questions that don’t challenge their ideas; this helps them rethink those ideas.

• Ask questions that require them to review their plans and review their consequences - then praise their knowledge.

Dealing WithConflict

Don Rooks

Georgia School Boards Association

GAEL Secretaries ConferenceSeptember 13, 2007