MAINTAINING A HAPPY MARRIAGE: HEALTHY COMMUNICATIONHooman Keshavarzi, MA

SIRAT

Two Backgrounds/Two People Core Beliefs and Life History

How parents were, norms, patterns etc. Therefore: Differing Perceptions

What do you see?

Ideas of Right and Wrong

Pushing a point Using Deen to support this perspective Let’s say you prove your point: Now what?

Can’t resolve issues in a productive manner is the larger issue!

Communication Errors

Four variables that if present, can predict whether a marriage will end in divorce by over 85%!!!

What are they?

Vicious Cycle of Bad Communication

1. Criticism2. Contempt3. Defensiveness4. StonewallingAdditional sword in the marriage:No affection outside of this.

Solution PLEASE!!

Interrupt the process QUICKLY! Make a joke Voice your emotions, “I am feeling

upset”. Take a time out Learn cues and triggers.

Gender Differences

Effects of Stress (Gottman, 1999)

WOMEN MEN

Solution PLEASE!!

Men: Know that it will get better, just bear through the current.

Women: Take breaks, don’t overwhelm him

Details

Men tend not to see details, but the whole picture.

Women are highly attentive to details.

Implication: Men don’t notice little things. Often interpreted as lack of caring.

Solution

You decide!

Issues of Power

Men tend to have an issue with power. Women accept influence naturally. Men who do not accept influence tend to

have poorer relationships.

Ideas of Marriage

ALL successful marriages have unresolved ISSUES!

• Cognitive Distortion: “should” & “must” statements Overestimate how bad it is that these

expectations are not met.

Communication Errors

Tend to listen to half of what people say. Tend to listen in order to make a

response. See things from own frame of reference Tend to give advice or “what I would do”.

Active/Empathetic listening

Genuine Not-Judging Empathetic

Empathy Technique

Reflecting & Asking questions.

Tips: Learn when to SHUT UP Forget the details – What is the MESSAGE!! Do you understand experientially?

Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage

Keeping their negative thoughts of their spouse from overwhelming their positive ones (Gottman, 1999).