2-5-53Prompt Book

CRAZY FOR YOU

THE NEW GERSHWIN MUSICAL

Music and Lyrics bygeorge gershwin and ira gershwin

Book byKEN LUDWIG

Co-conception by Ken Ludwig and Mike OckrentInspired by Material by Guy Bolton and John McGowanOriginally produced on Broadway byRoger Horchow and Elizabeth Williams

The music, lyrics, and dialogue contained in CRAZY FOR YOU are fully protected by copyright. Any interpolation of new music or lyrics into the Play or any changes in any part of the music, lyrics, or dialogue of the Play as set forth herein shall constitutea willful infringement of said copyrights and will subject you to all the criminal penalties and civil liabilities provided in the Copyright Act.

Property of:Tams-Witmark Music Library, Inc.560 Lexington Avenue, New York, New York 10022

(212) 688-2525

CAST OF CHARACTERS

* BOBBY CHILD New York, young man in love with musical theater

* BELA ZANGLER New York, an established producer

LANK HAWKINS Nevada, saloon proprietor

EVERETT BAKER Polly's father

* POLLY BAKER Deadrock, Nevada postmistress, "All American Girl"

* IRENE ROTH New York Society debutant

* EUGENE FODOR An English tourist

* PATRICIA FODOR Eugene's sister

MOTHER (Mrs. Lottie Child) Bobby's business-oriented and controlling parent

PERKINS Mother's business assistant

CHAUFFEUR For Mother's limousine

CAST OF CHARACTERS (Cont.)

10 FOLLIES GIRLS - CHORUSTESS Dance director, Zangler's favoritePATSY Showgirl with high speaking voiceMITZI A principal dancerELAINELOUISESUSIEBETSYMARGIESHEILAVERA

10 COWBOYS - CHORUSHARRY (Bartender)PETECUSTUSJIMMY

Cowboy Trio:* MOOSE* MINGO* SAM

Card Players: BILLY WYATT JUNIOR

NEW YORK THEATRE STAGE MANAGERSTAGE HANDS4 SHOW GIRLS2 LACKEYS FOR ZANGLER3 MOTHER'S DIRECTORS

NEW YORK PASSING STREET CROWDSNEVADA PASSING STREET CROWDS

* Principal Singers

Scenes

ACT ONE

Scene 1: WINGS & STAGE OF ZANGLERS BROADWAY THEATER.Just before a Follies finale.

Scene 2: STREET IN FRONT OF THE ZANGLER THEATER, N.Y.Five minutes later.

Scene 3: MAIN STREET, DEADROCK, NEVADA.Morning.

Scene 4: INSIDE LANKS SALOON. DEADROCK, NEVADA.Immediately following.

Scene 5: MAIN STREET & DESERT. DEADROCK, NEVADA.As evening falls.

Scene 6: STAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER. DEADROCK, NEVADA.Immediately following.

Scene 7: MAIN STREET, DEADROCK, NEVADA.Morning, three days later.

Scene 8: LOBBY OF THE GAIETY THEATER.Mid-morning, two weeks later.

Scene 9: STAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER.Immediately following.

Scene 10: BACKSTAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER.Saturday night, about 7 oclock.

Scene 11: MAIN STREET, DEADROCK, NEVADA.Immediately following.

ACT TWO

Scene 1: INSIDE LANKS SALOON.Fifteen minutes later.

Scene 2: LANKS SALOON.The next morning, about 10 oclock.

Scene 3: STAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER.Ten minutes later.

Scene 4: STREET IN FRONT OF THE ZANGLER THEATER, NEW YORK.Six weeks later.

Scene 5: MAIN STREET, DEADROCK, NEVADA.Three days later. Full stage with stairwaysfor Follies Tableau.

Musical Numbers

ACT ONE

A. OVERTURE OrchestraB. INCIDENTAL: BEFORE OPENING Orchestra1. OPENING: K-RA-ZY FOR YOU Bobby2. I CANT BE BOTHERED NOW Bobby & GIRLS2 (cont.) PLAYOFF: BOTHERED Orchestra2A. SCENE CHANGE: AFTER BOTHERED Orchestra3. BODIN MY TIME Cowboy Trio (Mingo, Moose, Sam) & Men3A. INCIDENTAL: BOBBY STAGGERS IN Orchestra4. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP Bobby4A. INCIDENTAL: AFTER THINGS Piano solo5. COULD YOU USE ME? Bobby & Polly5 (cont.) SHALL WE DANCE? Bobby & Polly5A. SCENE CHANGE: SHALL WE DANCE? Music box6. GIRLS ENTER NEVADA [BRONCO BUSTERS] Chorus7. SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME Polly8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass Piano with ad lib. Drums9. SLAP THAT BASS - Bobby (as Zangler) & Company10. EMBRACEABLE YOU - Polly & Bobby (as Zangler)11. TONIGHTS THE NIGHT - Chorus12. I GOT RHYTHM - Polly & Company12-I Dance Part One: I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company12-II Dance Part two: I Got Rhythm - Company

ACT TWO

13. Entr'acte: The Real American Folk Song - Cowboy Trio & Chorus13 (cont'd) INCIDENTAL: American Rag - Piano solo14. What Causes That - Bobby & Zangler14A. SCENE CHANGE-Bobby Wakes Up - Orchestra15. Naughty Baby - Irene, Lank & Male Quartet (Harry, Junior, Wyatt & Mingo)15a. INCIDENTAL: Crazy for You - Music box [There is no musical number 16]17. Stiff Upper Lip - Eugene, Patricia, Bobby, Polly & Company18. They Can't Take That Away From Me - Bobby19. But Not For Me - Polly19 (cont.) Reprise: But Not for Me - Polly19a. SCENE CHANGE: New Promenade - Orchestra20. Nice Work If You Can Get It - Bobby & Girls21. FRENCH REPRISE: Bidin' My Time - Cowboy Trio22. Reprise: Things are Looking Up - Everett23. Finale - Company24. Curtain Calls - Full Company25. EXIT MUSIC - Orchestra

__/A/ OVERTURE (Orchestra) *ACT ONEScene OneWINGS AND STAGE OF ZANGLERS BROADWAY THEATER, the wings in the foreground, the stage in the background. Onstage, a show is in progress. In the wings, STAGEHANDS are working the lights, STAGE MANAGER calling cues, etc. As the curtain rises, TESS, the Dance Director, is drilling four SHOW GIRLS in a short routine. __/1/ OPENING: K-RA-ZY FOR YOU (Bobby)

TESS(Over the music.)Shoulders back! Heads high! One last time!(As soon as the SHOW GIRLS leave the wings and parade onto the stage, TESS looks around to see if Bobby has arrived. She looks at her watch with concern, then calls to PATSY, a very dumb SHOW GIRL with a high, squeaky voice.)TESSPatsy! Where's Bobby?! He should have been here two hours ago!PATSYI know! I saw him yesterday, and he was all excited about the audition for Mr. Zangler.TESS(Looking off)Wait! There he is!(BOBBY CHILD, dressed as a banker, hurries on, into the wings, pulling off his overcoat.)

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__/B/ * INCIDENTAL: BEFORE OPENING (Orchestra)Note: This number is included to make staging of the opening scene more flexible. It is optional and was not used in the Broadway production.

PATSYBobby!BOBBYOh, my God! Did I make it?! Is Zangler still here?!PATSYYeah, ya still got five minutes.BOBBYGreat!TESSBobby, what happened?!BOBBYThey kept me late at the bank. But I've got my tap shoes on! This time Zangler's going to be dazzled. He's going to hire me on the spot!

(At this point, the number "onstage" is over, and BELA ZANGLER enters the wings. This great impresario is an imposing dapper man with a moustache, beard and Hungarian accent. BOBBY sees him - )BOBBYMr. Zangler!(but TESS and PATSY stop BOBBY from bothering ZANGLER just yet. A trumpet fanfare, the STAGE MANAGER takes ZANGLER'S cigar, and ZANGLER sweeps onstage to make his curtain speech. ZANGLER raises his arms, and the "applause" dies down.)ZANGLERLadies and gentlemen. Vell vell vell. My name is Bela Zangler.(Applause.)Thank you for coming to Zangler Follies - our final performance of the season, and I hope you vill all be here in just eight veeks for vonderful new show!(Wild applause as ZANGLER leaves the stage and the company bows begin. As soon as ZANGLER gets to the wings, BOBBY tries again.)ZANGLERTessie!BOBBYMr. Zangler, could I see you a min -

ZANGLERI must talk now to dance director about very important professional matter!BOBBYRight.(Bobby moves away, and ZANGLER pulls TESS aside.)ZANGLER(Business-like:)Tessie.TESSYes, Mr. Zangler?(ZANGLER makes sure they're not overheard; then says with passion:)ZANGLERTessie, I love you. TESSBela -!ZANGLERVhat do you say ve have intimate supper?TESSI'm not hungry.ZANGLERTessie, please! You make me crazy!TESSAnd how is Mrs. Zangler?ZANGLERI am sorry to say, she is in excellent health.(TESS walks away.)ZANGLERTessie!(By this time the FOLLIES GIRLS are leaving the stage in a line, past ZANGLER.)MITZIVacation!

FOLLIES GIRLSGoodnight, Mr. Zangler.Goodnight, Mr. Zangler.Goodnight, Mr. Zangler.(And at the end of the line is BOBBY.)BOBBYHi, Mr. Zangler.ZANGLERNot you again.BOBBYI'm here to audition. ZANGLERNot now!(ZANGLER starts to leave. By this time, BOBBY and ZANGLER are alone onstage.)BOBBYMr. Zangler! You don't understand. When I go to your office, they throw me out.(Music fades out.)ZANGLERGood. I give them a raise.BOBBYWould you wait a second!ZANGLERMr. Child. Vhy are you vesting my time?!BOBBY(Indicating the theater around him.)Because this is my life! It's all I care about!(BOBBY'S conviction makes even ZANGLER pause.)Now look, you're going to love this. I promise. Just - just - okay. Okay?ZANGLER...Okay.BOBBYWould you hold this? Thanks.(He hands ZANGLER his coat and hat.)Here goes.

(BOBBY takes a breath - then launches into his audition, dancing as he sings:) 1. Opening: K-RA-ZY For You BOBBY Let me give you the low down:(Orchestra accompaniment picks up againunder vocal.) I'm CRAZY for you. When it comes to a showdown, I'm k-ra-zy for you. And so, though love may not inspire my lingo, Still, it's making my heart go BANGO! BINGO! Let me give you the low down: I'm k-ra-zy for(Music out.)Hold on for the big finish!ZANGLER(Bored and annoyed:)I'm holding, I'm holding.(BOBBY does an elaborate tap routine. Halfway through it, ZANGLER pointedly looks at his watch. BOBBY finishes the routine with a slam, literally nose-to-nose with ZANGLER. Orchestra short chord at finish of BOBBY'S routine, then music out.)BOBBYNow what do you say to that?!ZANGLERFoot - BOBBYHuh?ZANGLERFoot ... You are standing on my foot!BOBBYOh, sorry ...ZANGLERYou are a moron!(He starts to exit.)

BOBBYMr. Zangler! ... Look, I-I-I realize I'm an unknown, here in New York. But I have potential!ZANGLERYa. You could be unknown all over America!(ZANGLER strides off, and BOBBY runs after him. As they exit, music picks up again for scene change as the set changes. Scene change music fades out as GIRLS enter.)1-1-1

ACT ONEScene TwoSTREET IN FRONT OF THE ZANGLER THEATER, five minutes later. As the lights come up, BOBBY and some of the FOLLIES GIRLS are leaving the stage door in their street clothes. Also on the street is IRENE ROTH, dressed in fur, waiting for BOBBY.tessHey, Bobby. Just forget about him.PATSYCheer up! He's not worth it.BOBBYWho knew he had big feet!IRENEHello, Bobby.BOBBY(Without turning, recognizing the steely voice:)Irene. Hi ...IRENESay good-night to the ladies, Bobby.BOBBYNow wait a second -!PATSYWe'll see ya later.TESSWe've gotta go anyway. 'Night, Bobby.THE GIRLSGood-night, Bobby. Good night. (etc.)(And the GIRLS are gone.)IRENEBobby, it is time you gave up all this dancing nonsense and settled down!BOBBYNonsense -?!

IRENEWe have been engaged for five years. Now when are we getting married?!BOBBYWe're not.IRENEOf course we are.BOBBYOh no we're not.IRENEDon't be ridiculous. I have the wedding all planned. The guest list is up to nine hundred.BOBBYGreat. Big crowd. You won't even miss me.(At this moment, ZANGLER exits from the stage door with two of his lackeys. Simultaneously, a limousine starts to enter.)ZANGLERVe start next veek -BOBBYMr. Zangler! I'm sorry about your foot -!(ZANGLER turns to BOBBY -- and almost gets run down by the limousine.)ZANGLERMoron!(IRENE pulls BOBBY away, and ZANGLER exits down the street. The limousine pulls up, the CHAUFFEUR opens the back door, and BOBBY'S MOTHER gets out, followed by PERKINS, her assistant. BOBBY and IRENE don't see them.)IRENENow I want you to promise me: from the day we're married, you will work in the bank.BOBBYBut I don't want to work in the bank! That's my mother's idea! I mean that's the trouble. Nobody in the theater takes me seriously! Well if my mother was here right now, you know what I'd say to her? Huh?! I'd say: "MOTHER!!"

MOTHERYes, Bobby?BOBBYMy God, you look well. That coat is just -MOTHERI knew I'd find you here.IRENELottie, dear, I am talking to Bobby.MOTHERWell, so am I!IRENEThen get in line!MOTHERBobby, in the ten years since you left Harvard, you have accomplished nothing.IRENEHe got engaged to me.MOTHER(to BOBBY:)You have accomplished less than nothing. Now the Board of Directors and I have decided to give you one last chance. If you fail the bank this time, I will cut off your allowance.IRENEWhen he's married to me, he won't need an allowance.MOTHERNo, he'll need a psychiatrist.(To Bobby:)Now this is a deed of property.PERKINSWe'd like it signed.BOBBYFine! Do you have a pen?MOTHERNot by you, you idiot! By some other idiot who lives in:(Consulting the document.)Deadrock, Nevada. I want you to go there immediately and get him to sign it.

BOBBYNevada?!PERKINSIt will save the bank quite a sum in foreclosure costs.BOBBYBut who cares?! I want to dance. I don't care about money.(MOTHER gasps and clutches her heart. PERKINS catches her.)BOBBYI'm sorry, Mother, I'm sorry ...IRENEHe will go to Nevada over my dead body!MOTHERThat sounds like an excellent route. ...Bobby, get in the car! MOTHERIRENEI will cut off yourDarling, don't even listenallowance if you do not goto her. I've got theto Nevada, first thingwedding all planned. You'lltomorrow morning! Now Iwear a morning coat and I'lldon't want to hear anygo strapless. It's all thenonsense about it -!rage -(During the argument PERKINS and CHAUFFEUR cross upstage and unobtrusively make their exit. BOBBY tunes the argument out, music intro. Starts, their voices fade away, and BOBBY sings:)

__/2/ I CANT BE BOTHERED NOW (Bobby & Girls)BOBBYBad news go 'way!Call 'round some dayIn March or May--I can't be bothered now.

My bonds and sharesMay fall downstairs--Who cares? who cares?I'm dancing and I can't be bothered now!(MOTHER pulls BOBBY into the car, and IRENE follows them.)

MOTHERIRENEIf you do not listen to me,I have gone out of my wayyoung man, you will findto give your feelings everyyourself without anpossible consideration -allowance -(In his dream fantasy, BOBBY rises out of the car and ends up dancing on the roof.)BOBBYI'm up among the stars;On earthly things I frown.I'm throwing off the barsThat held me down.

I'll pay the piperWhen times are riper.Just now, I shan't--Because you see I'm dancing and I can't--be bothered now!(Dance break. BOBBY raises the hood of the car and a FOLLIES GIRL jumps out. He dances with her. Then the rest of the FOLLIES GIRLS emerge from the car, as they enter dancing and singing, they ad lib., "Hi, Bobby," etc.)BOBBYMusic is the magic that makes everything sunshiny;Dancing makes my troubles all seem tiny.When Im dancing I don't care if this old world stops turning,Or if my bank is burning,Or even if ROmaniaWants to fight Albania.I'm not upset;I refuse to fret.THE GIRLSHe's not upset;(Telephone rings.)

BOBBYOh, no!THE GIRLSAnd he'll refuse to fret.Hello!BOBBYThat's for me?!(GIRLS babble.)

ONE GIRL(To BOBBY:)It's for you!BOBBYTake a message!THE GIRLSBad news go 'way!Call 'round some dayIn March or May--hes dancing and He can't be bothered now!BOBBY(Shouted:)I can't be bothered now!(Dance break.)THE GIRLSHe's dancing watch him shine,You'll have to hold the LINE.(Dance break.) girls agirls bhell pay the piperhell pay the piperwhen times are riper.when times are riper.when times are riper,hell pay the piper.just now, he shant ...just now, he shant,just now, he shant ...BOBBYBecause you see I'm dancing...(Telephone rings.)Because you see I'm dancing...(Telephone rings.)Because you see I'm dancing...THE GIRLS(Chanted:)Bad news, go awayCall 'round somedayIn March or MayWho cares about his sharesThat fall downstairsWho cares, who caresWho cares, who care?

THE GIRLS (continued)He can't be botheredWon't be botheredShan't be botheredCan't be bothered nowNot now!Not now!

He can't be bothered...(Tap break.)Now!Goodbye!(Music segues on applause.)

____________/2 continued/ PLAYOFF: BOTHERED (Orchestra)(As the number ends, PERKINS & CHAUFFEUR re-enter and wait beside the car. The GIRLS dance back into the car, and BOBBY sinks back in through the roof. Then BOBBY, MOTHER and IRENE immediately emerge from the car.) MotherIRENEBobby, I want you to go toShe's completely insane!Nevada at once and forget allI've got the colorsthis marriage nonsense!picked out for thewedding and they're blueand white!IRENESo which is it, Bobby? Me or Deadrock?(BOBBY looks at MOTHER, then back at IRENE.)BOBBY(Undecided:)Oh boy ...(Frustrated, he snatches the deed of property from MOTHER and runs down the street.)BOBBYTAXI!!(Music starts.)GRAND CENTRAL STATION!!

___/2A/ SCENE CHANGE: AFTER BOTHERED (Orchestra)1-2-13(MOTHER smiles, IRENE scowls and exits. As the lights fade, PERKINS & CHAUFFEUR get into the car, and the limo drives off -- without MOTHER -- and she chases it down the street.)ACT ONEScene ThreeMAIN STREET, DEADROCK, morning. A sleepy little Western town in the middle of nowhere. Along the street, there are two adjoining buildings of particular interest. The sign on one says: "SALOON, HOTEL AND RESTAURANT." The other building is a former theater, once quite grand, now gone to seed. Above the entrance is a sign that says: "GAIETY THEATER" -- but there's another sign below it that says "U.S. POST OFFICE." Across the street is the General Store. At the end of the street, we see the desert stretching into the distance. __/3/ BIDIN MY TIME (The Cowboy Trio Sam, Mingo,Moose, & Men)

As the set falls into place around them, THREE COWBOYS -- 1930's style -- and POLLY BAKER enter on the back of an old pickup truck singing the laziest song imaginable. Also onstage are several other COWBOYS sitting around doing nothing (as usual.) Sitting on the porch of the theater is EVERETT BAKER, a gentle, befuddled man in his 60s, reading a yellowing copy of "Variety." As the truck enters Deadrock, it runs over a rattlesnake. During the following song, one of the COWBOYS picks up the dead snake, rattles its tail, crosses himself and mourns the loss of his favorite pet.MINGO, MOOSE AND SAMI'm bidin' my time,'Cause that's the kinda guy I'm.While other folks grow dizzyI keep busy--Bidin' my time.(OTHER MEN join singing, on melody, with the trio, as they enter.)

Next year, next year,somethins bound to happen;This year, this year,I'll just keep on nappin'--POLLYMail call!moose, mingo, sam, & other menAnd--bidin' my time,'Cause that's the kinda guy I'm.There's no regrettin'When I'm settin'--Bidin' my (time.)POLLY(Interrupting the last note of men's vocal:)Hey! Mail call! Come and get it!SAMHeck, Polly, I never get any mail.POLLYOh, Sam, you got a letter just last month.PETENo kiddin'! What'd it say?SAMI don't know. I didn't have the energy to read it.POLLYHey! Look at this! There's a letter here, for my dad, from New York City!PETEHey Everett!JIMMYYa got a letter!BILLYFrom New York City!EVERETTOh. Well. Now isn't that exciting.MOOSECan I have the stamp, Polly? For my collection?POLLY(She tears off the stamp and hands it to Moose, having already taken the letter out.)Hey, Moose. I didn't know you had a stamp collection.

MOOSE(Showing Everett proudly.)Oh, boy. Number two!POLLY(Reading the letter.)It's from that stinkin' bank again.EVERETTOh, dear.POLLYThis time they want to take our theater!EVERETT(To the BOYS:)I'm afraid we're a little behind on the mortgage.POLLYIt says here, if we don't pay 'em a ton of money by the end of this month, they're gonna own it, lock, stock and barrel!(The BOYS groan.)EVERETTOh, Polly, I wish you could have seen your mother on that stage.POLLYI bet she was really somethin', Dad.EVERETTShe was never more radiant than when she stood there behind those footlights, singing her heart out to a house-full of drunken gold miners.(He potters sadly away, into the saloon.)WYATTPoor old guy.POLLY(Scanning the letter:)Just look at this! They're sendin' some banker out here to put the knife in. Name of ... Bobby Child! Bobby Child! If I ever meet up with that skunk, I'll ... Oh, I don't know what I'll do! But it's gonna be ugly!!(She exits angrily into the theater.)

BILLYI never seen her that mad before.JUNIORTalk about an excitin' day.

___/3A/ INCIDENTAL: BOBBY STAGGERS IN (Orchestra)

(Lazily, they start to lope away -- when BOBBY staggers into view from the desert, carrying his suitcases. He's pouring with sweat, dizzy from the sun and can barely walk.)BOBBYWater ... water ...(He makes it part way down the street and drops to the ground in a dead faint. Music out. The COWBOYS look at him.)JIMMYI guess the train arrived.CUSTUS(to BOBBY:)It's only an hour's walk from the junction!(They shake their heads and lope away - as EVERETT emerges from the saloon, fleeing from LANK HAWKINS. LANK is an intense, usually manic fellow, blessed with a vision that no one else quite shares.)EVERETTNo no no no. I can't let you have the theater, Lank.LANKI don't want you to "let me have it." I want to buy it!!EVERETTOh I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage, standing there behind the footlights ...LANKWould you stop blathering, you pig-headed fool!(POLLY instantly appears on the balcony.)POLLYLank Hawkins! Don't you dare talk to my father that way!

LANK(to POLLY:)Okay! Okay ...(He throws her a kiss and she exits; to EVERETT:)Look. I'll make it simple. I ... own ... the saloon.EVERETTI know that.LANKGood. Now being a man of vision, I would like to expand the saloon in the direction of your theater, which, if you'll recall, was turned into a post office twenty years ago.EVERETTHow I'd love to see a show I that theater again ...LANKEverett, it's not going to happen! In two thousand years, there has been one resurrection, and it wasn't a theater!!(LANK calms himself:)Think of it, Everett. This could be a big town again! Shops and cafes! Sidewalks! We could have another ... Cleveland on our hands!EVERETTBut it's such a nice town as it is:LANKWould you look around, for God's sake! Come here! Look!(Taking EVERETT on a tour of the street,)We have a town full of singing cadavers!(Kicking BOBBY with his toe,)We have bodies lying in the street!(Poking EVERETT in the chest.)We are the armpit of the American West!!(POLLY storms out of the front of the theater. The moment she appears, BOBBY'S head goes up. He's transfixed. He can't take his eyes off her.)POLLYYou listen to me, Lank Hawkins! If you ever yell at my father again, I'm gonna skin you alive, you hear me -!! LANKPOLLYIf he doesn't sell it toHe is my father and it is timeme, the bank is going toyou showed him a littletake it anyway!respect!(They freeze. Again, BOBBY is in his own world. Staring at POLLY in a cloud of adoration, he sings:)

__/4/ THINGS ARE LOOKING UP (Bobby)BOBBYThings are looking up!I've been looking the landscape overAnd it's covered with four leaf clover.Oh things are looking upSince love looked up at me. LANKPOLLYPolly, you know how I feelAnd he ain't gonna sellabout you!ya his theater if hedon't want to!(Freeze.)BOBBYBitter was my cup--But no more will I be the mourner,For I've certainly turned the corner.Oh things are looking upSince love looked up at me.LANKI have asked you to marry me fifteen times.POLLYSo ask somebody else.LANKThere is no one else. You're the only woman withinfifty miles!(POLLY turns to him, murderously.)EVERETT(Seeing what's coming:)Polly ...(POLLY kicks LANK in the shin. He screams.)POLLYCome on, Dad. I've got to wash up.(POLLY and EVERETT exit into the theater. LANK limps away into the saloon. BOBBY has been watching Polly's every movement.)BOBBY"Polly." "Polly!"(Like Cortez first seeing the Pacific Ocean:)My God, that's a wonderful name!!

BOBBY(The music swells.)See the sunbeams--Evry one beamsJust because of you.Love's in session,And my depressionIs unmistakably through.(As the song continues, BOBBY gets dizzy again, and the COWBOYS pick him up and carry him into the saloon. Meanwhile, the set is changing.)BOBBYThank you.BOBBYThings are looking up!It's a great little world we live in!Oh I'm happy as a pupSince love looked up--Oh I'm happy as a pupSince love looked up at me!1-3-17(Note: Last word of song is an elision with first note of next musical number.)ACT ONEScene FourINSIDE LANKS SALOON. It includes a reception desk, a bar, aplayer-piano (apparently being played by JUNIOR), and a card table. A flight of stairs leads up to a balcony, where there are doors to two guest rooms and a door to the corridor. TWO CARD PLAYERS -- WYATT and BILLY -- are at the table playing poker. As the COWBOYS carry BOBBY into the saloon, the piano is playing, and LANK is coming down the stairs. ___/4A/ INCIDENTAL: AFTER THINGS (Piano solo)LANKWould you turn that thing off!(JUNIOR kicks the piano and it stops playing.A cuckoo clock above the reception desk sounds off -- complete with a bird that comes out of a little door in the front: "CU-CKOO! CU-CKOO!" At this moment, and argument starts up between the two CARD PLAYERS.)WYATTHold it right there, mister. I saw ya take that ace from your sleeve.BILLYI'm afraid you need some glasses, ya dumb cuss.(BILLY stands up, kicking his chair away; and they square off for a gunfight. They draw like lightning, but WYATT is faster. He shoots BILLY in the stomach. BLAM! BILLY falls dead on the floor. BOBBY watches all this in shock, his mouth open. A beat, then:)LANKRubbish. Complete rubbish.BILLY(From the floor, then standing up.)Aw, come on, Lank. I thought it was pretty good that time.

BOBBY(confused:)What's going on?BILLYFamous Gunfights of the Old West.JUNIORIt's Lank's idea, to bring in the tourists.PETEThat there was Wyatt Earp meets Billy the Kid.BOBBYBut they could have hurt each other.WYATTAre you kiddin', mister? These her is blanks. Hey, Lank!(LANK turns -- and WYATT shoots straight at his chest. BLAM! BLAM! Then WYATT turns the gun toward the wall and lets fly another -- BLAM! -- and a jug on the wall explodes, hitting a pair of antlers, which hits the piano -- which starts playing. JUNIOR kicks it and it stops. A beat, then LANK walks up to WYATT and puts out his hand.)WYATT(Surrendering his gun to Lank.)Sorry, lank.LANKNo wonder this country is in a depression.(LANK walks away. As he goes, the Cuckoo Clock sounds off again: "CU-CKOO! CU-CKOO!" Startled, LANK shoots the clock, which instantly explodes, leaving the bird dangling on a wire from the shards of its house. LANK utters a cry of despair, then continues off through a door behind the reception desk. The moment he leaves, POLLY enters.)POLLYWhere's Lank?JUNIORHe's out back.POLLY(Seeing BOBBY for the first time.)... Who the hell is he?

JUNIORHe sorta crawled into town this afternoon.BOBBYHow do you do?(BOBBY stands up to introduce himself -- and promptly falls to the ground.)JUNIORHe's still kinda shaky.POLLYWell, walk him around. Get under him!(JUNIOR tries.)Oh, here, I'll do it!(She puts BOBBY'S arm around her neck and starts to walk him around the saloon. His legs are like jelly.)POLLYCome on, Sunshine. This way. Now you're getting' it. Just keep them feet moving' ... (etc. ad lib.)(She walks him some more -- and as they make a turn, BOBBY finds his face only inches from POLLY's. Without warning, he kisses her on the lips. For a moment she's stunned -- then she pushes him roughly away.)POLLYWhat the hell'd ya do that for?!!BOBBYI don't know.POLLY... Well, don't do it again.BOBBYRight.(She stares at him for a beat, then headsfor the bar.)POLLYHey, Harry, get me a drink so I can clean my lips!

(HARRY, the bartender, slides a bottle down the length of the bar, Western-style, and POLLY catches it easily. She takes a slug and moseys away.BOBBY is impressed. Imitating her, he walksto the bar.)BOBBY(Tough guy; to HARRY:)Make that two.(HARRY slides a bottle to BOBBY, who puts out his hand and misses. The bottle slides off the end of the bar and crashes.)BOBBY... I'll have another.(Same routine. BOBBY misses again and the bottle crashes.)BOBBY... One for the road.(As HARRY slams a bottle onto the bar, BOBBY jumps on the bar and grabs it.)POLLYYou ain't from around here, are ya?(BOBBY, still showing off, slides off the bar and drinks from the bottle. For a second, he doesn't react. Then he stares at the bottle in shock.)BOBBY(Hardly able to speak -- a squeak:)... That's a little strong ...POLLYStrong? We got thirty-year-old cows who pass water stronger'n this stuff.BOBBYMy God, you're beautiful. You're like the Venus deMilo! ... Except for your arms.(POLLY is suddenly conscious of her arms and puts them behind her back.)I-I-I mean, you have arms:POLLY... Mister, it's been real nice talking' to ya -BOBBYDon't go!

POLLYMaybe I'll see ya again some time. In a rocket shipor somethin'.

__/5/ COULD YOU USE ME? (Bobby & Polly)BOBBYHave some pity on an Easterner;Show a little sympathy.No one possibly could be sternerThan you have been with me.There's a job that I'm applying for--Let me put it to you thus:It's a partnership I'm dying for--Mr. and Mrs. Us!Before you file it on the shelfLet me tell you of myself:(By this time, he's got her to the table.)

Oh, I'm the chappieTo make you happy:I'll tie your shoes-iesAnd chase your blues-ies;Oh, lady would you--Oh, tell me, could youuse me?POLLYNo night Life for you,The birds would bore you,The cows won't know you,A horse would throw you--You silly man, you,To ask me, "Can youuse me?"BOBBYDo you realize what a good manYou're getting in me?I'm no Elk or Mason or WoodmanWho gets home at three.POLLYYour ties are freakish;Your knees are weakish;Go back to flappersAnd highBALL lappers!Though you can use me,I most certainly can't use you!1-4-23(BOBBY pursues POLLY around the saloon, then out into the street. Last word of song is an elision with first note of next musical number.)ACT ONEScene FiveMAIN STREET & DESERT, DEADROCK, NEVADA. The song is continuous. During the song - and dance - evening falls. ____________/5 continued/ SHALL WE DANCE? (Bobby & Polly)BOBBYDrop that long face! Come on, have your fling!Why keep nursing the blues?If you want this old world on a string,Put on your dancing shoes--Stop wasting time!Put on your dancing shoes--Watch your spirits climb.

Shall we dance, or keep on moping?Shall we dance, and walk on air?Shall we give into despair--Or shall we dance with never a care?

Life is short; we're growing older.Don't you be an also-ran.You'd better dance, little lady!Dance, little man!Dance whenever you can!(At first, POLLY's a reluctant partner; she just won't dance with him. But soon she starts enjoying herself, and BOBBY and POLLY begin whirling through the street -- then the desert -- like Fred and Ginger. In the course of the number, POLLY falls deeply in love with him. Towards the end of the number, BOBBY kisses a now-willing POLLY.)BOBBY... WOW!!(The dance ends, and we go to blackout.)

___/5A/ SCENE CHANGE: SHALL WE DANCE (Music box) (Music fades out under opening dialogueof next scene.)1-5-26

ACT ONEScene SixSTAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER, continuous. The scene begins in total darkness. Out of the void, we hear BOBBY's voice.BOBBY'S VOICEPolly? ... Polly?! ... OW!(He's bumped into something.)Polly, where are you?!!(Suddenly, the lights come up. POLLY is at the side of the stage, having just turned the lights on, and we see the theater for the first time. It's a masterpiece of Victoriana, covered with dust and in a woeful state of disrepair. On the stage are a few old props and flats and a trunk of costumes. BOBBY looks around, dumbfounded.)BOBBYOh, my God, just look at this place!POLLY(Proudly:)It's somethin', huh?BOBBYIt's incredible!POLLYWhen I was a little thing, I'd watch all the big shows. The lights, the music ...BOBBYI've never seen anything like it. What's it doing in Deadrock?POLLYThis here was a pretty big town about fifty years ago. Then the mines ran out and most people just kinda got up and left.BOBBY(Finding parts of costumes in the trunk.)Look at this stuff! Oh, my God! You can't let the bank take this place!POLLYHow do you know about it?

BOBBYWell, I-I-I couldn't help overhearing on the street, and ...(Pause. BOBBY suddenly has a revelation He looks around the theater, then says quietly:)BOBBYWait a second. I've got an idea!POLLYAbout what?!BOBBY(Pulling on a costume jacket and grabbing a fedora.)I know what to do!POLLYWhat the hell are you talkin' about?!BOBBYIt's simple! All we have to do to save this place is just ... put on a show. Here in the theater. That'll raise all the money you need to pay off the mortgage!POLLY... Just put on a show?BOBBYRight.POLLYIn here?BOBBYRight!POLLYIs everybody this stupid back East, or are you just special?BOBBYWell, why not?! Don't you ever go to the movies? Mickey Rooney does it all the time! ... Look. The guys in the bar can sing, I heard them! And-and-and I could bring dancers, from Zangler's Follies! They're my friends! They'd come in a second! They're on vacation!POLLY(Suddenly excited:)... Ya mean Bela Zangler?!

BOBBYYeah.POLLYDad's talked about him! Do you know him?!BOBBYDo I know him. Are you kidding? We're like(Putting the index fingers of his hands together, then pulling them apart)this.POLLYD'ya think he'd come out here and put on a show?! I mean, if ya asked him?!BOBBY(Nodding his head yes.)... No.(POLLY turns away, disappointed.)But we don't need him! I can do it, I promise!(No answer.)Polly, please. Let me try it. I could accomplish something. And this theater, just imagine, giving it a whole new life!POLLY... I guess we can try it.(BOBBY shouts with joy.)BOBBYI'll call the girls first thing in the morning! Hey! Watch this!(He does a tap flourish -- the same one he did for Zangler -- and ends up with a slam literallynose-to-nose with Polly.)POLLY(In pain:)... You're standin' on my foot.BOBBYI'm sorry! Darn!POLLYThat's okay. It sure is nice of you to help like this.I mean, we hardly know each other.(Extending her hand.)I'm Polly Baker.

BOBBYI'm Bobby Child.(A beat, then POLLY suddenly goes pale.)POLLYWhat?BOBBYBobby Child.POLLYFrom New York City?BOBBYRight.(SLAP! POLLY slaps BOBBY across the face, sending him reeling backward.)BOBBYWhat did I do?!POLLYYou're from that bank!BOBBYYeah. Well, I can explain that --POLLYYou're here to take our theater, ain't ya? This is a trick!BOBBYNo, it's not!POLLYHow could ya do this to me?!BOBBYPolly, you're wrong -POLLYYou and your singin' and your dancin' and your ... Bela Zanglers!BOBBYI can save this theater!POLLY(Deeply hurt, her eyes full of tears:)Just GO AWAY!!

POLLY (cont.)(She hurries to the wings; turns andsays quietly:)And don't you ever let me catch you talkin' to me again.(She hurries off.)BOBBYPolly - !(She's gone. BOBBY wanders across the stage, his dreams shattered. He says to himself:)"You and your singing and your dancing and your ..."(Music for next number begins with an underscore, a sad strain of "Things Are Looking Up." Suddenly, BOBBY looks up. He has an idea. Could itreally work?)BOBBY(To himself:)... Bela Zangler.(He looks around the theater ...)Bela Zangler!!(Using Zangler's accent and striking a posewith a cane.)"Vell, vell, vell. Girls! It is time ve pay visit to Deadrock, Nevada, ya?!(Blackout, followed by the sound of a train gaining speed, then the vamping beat of the GIRLS' arrival in Deadrock.)1-6-31

ACT ONEMAIN STREET, DEADROCK, three days later, morning. As the dawn is breaking, THE FOLLIES GIRLS enter from the desert (in silhouette) to the hot, jazzy rhythm of "I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise." Windows and doors fly open, asTHE COWBOYS come out to see what's happening - and join in the number. By the end of the number, all the COWBOYS are on the street. POLLY and LANK have also entered.

__/6/ GIRLS ENTER NEVADA [BRONCO BUSTERS] (Chorus)

THE FOLLIES GIRLSIt's wonderful to breeze around;They seem to have real trees around;And of the open spaces there's no doubt--No doubt! No doubt!--This is the life that Riley told about.

In town we used to fret awayUntil we made our getawayOut here where there's no doubt that men are men--Where men are men!We don't care if we don't go east again.

We haven't missed old Broadway or the white lights--When the moon at night lights--That's the best of bright lights.TESSAll right, girls. Let's show 'em how we do it.(Dance break -- to "K-ra-zy For You.")THE COWBOYSTHE FOLLIES GIRLSIn town they used to fret awayIn-town-Until they made their getawaywe-did-THEY DONT CARE IF THEY DONT GO EASTfret-AGAIN.away.Where menIn town we used to fret awayare menuntil we made our getawaythey dont care if theywe dont care if wedont go eastdont go eastagain.ah--ahah-ah-ah-ahah-ah-ah-ah

(The music segues back into "I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise," as BOBBY -- masquerading as BELA ZANGLER -- makes his entrance. He has Zangler's clothes, beard, moustache, and accent. He carries a cane ad smokes a cigar. He doesn't have the same confidence, though; and during the number, he confers hurriedly with TESS and PATSY to make sure that he looks all right. By the end of the number, he's ready to start -- and climbs to the top of a stairway made of the GIRLS' suitcases.)ALLOO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO AH!BOBBYGood morning, good morning, good morning. Dis is Deadrock, Nevada, ya?THE COWBOYSYA!BOBBYExcellent. I am looking, please, for a Miss Polly Baker.POLLYI'm Polly Baker! What's goin' on?!BOBBYPermit me to introduce myself. My name is Bela Zangler.POLLY(In shock:)... Get outa here! Are you really ... Bela Zangler? I mean, what are you doin' here?BOBBYI am saving theater!LANKWhat?!BOBBYI am getting a call three days ago from very good friend of mine. Bobby Child.(Confidentially:)By the vay, he is a vonderful boy. You should get to know him.POLLYHe did say you were friends.

BOBBYFriends? Ve are like(Puts his index fingers together, then pulls them apart.)this!POLLYThat's just what he said!BOBBYI'm not surprised. So. Vhen do ve start? Ve have a show to put on, ya?THE COWBOYSYA!LANKI don't believe one word of this.BOBBYVhich vord is that?LANKSomething smells fishy to me.JIMMYI think it's Moose.(Everyone looks at MOOSE, who checks his underarms, then nods his head "yes." At this moment,EVERETT comes out of the theater, suspecting nothing. He sees BOBBY and stops dead.)EVERETTOh, my goodness!(Going up to him.)Mr. ... Zangler?BOBBYYou know me ...?EVERETTI've seen your picture in Variety a hundred times! What are you doing here?!POLLYHe came to help, so we can pay the bank.EVERETTThis is miraculous!

LANKThis is ridiculous!POLLYLank!BOBBYI am insulted!(A gasp from the crowd.)Do you vant me to put on show or not? I am busy man!EVERYONEOf course we do! Don't listen to him! You must do it! (etc.)BOBBY (Cutting them off abruptly:)YOP! ... Okay. I do it.EVERYONEThat's wonderful! This is thrilling! (etc.)BOBBY(Cutting them off abruptly:)YOP! ... Girls! To vork!(He points to the theater and THE GIRLShead inside.)THE GIRLSYes, Mr. Zangler. Of course, Mr. Zangler.PATSY(Aloud to BOBBY as she passes him:)Bobby!(He tries to shush her.)You're doin' a wonderful job! You're so life-like!(BOBBY rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, LANK pulls out his gun, walks up to BOBBY, and pushes it under his nose.)LANKMister. Do you see this gun?BOBBYYa?LANKIt tends to have a mind of its own.(BOBBY looks at the gun; then at LANK.)

BOBBYVun out of two ain't bad.LANKThat isn't funny!POLLYLank!LANKMister, I want you out of this town in twenty-four hours!(He exits.)EVERETT(To BOBBY:)How I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage. Standing there behind the footlights ...POLLYMr. Zangler? If you really can save this place, I ... well, I guess I'm gonna be mighty grateful.(She shakes his hand.)BOBBY... Let's hope so, ya?(BOBBY kisses the back of her hand, European style, then turns to the boys.)BOBBYSo. Who vould like to audition?(No response.)To be in show.(No response.)... To vork with girls.COWBOYS(Erupting immediately:)Yes sir! O-kay! Now you're talkin'!(THE COWBOYS race into the theater, whooping and hollering. BOBBY exits with them. EVERETT hangs back for a word with POLLY.)EVERETTNow that's the kind of man you should marry.POLLYDad, would ya cut it out! ... When I'm ready to get married, I'll let ya know.

EVERETTBy that time, you'll have to contact me through a medium.(EVERETT exits into the theater. POLLY is alone on the street. It's quiet now. She looks around, and suddenly feels lonely.)

__/7/ SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME (Polly)POLLYThere's a saying oldSays that love is blind.Still, we're often told,"Seek and ye shall find."So I'm going to seek A certain lad I've had in mind.Looking evrywhere,Haven't found him yet;He's the big affairI cannot forget--Only man I ever think of with regret.I'd like to add his initials to my monogram.Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see:I hope that heturns out to beSomeone who'll watch over me.

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood;I know I couldalways be goodTo one who'll watch over me.

Although he may not be the man someGirls think of as handsome,To my heart he carries the key.

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed,Follow my lead?Oh, How I needSomeone to watch over me.Someone to watch over me.(The music segues to the next number.)1-7-37

ACT ONEScene EightLOBBY OF THE GAIETY THEATER, two weeks later, mid-morning. There's a door to the street, and double doors at the back leading into the auditorium. To one side, there's a ticket counter, now used for the post office. Behind it is a telephone switchboard. As the set moves into place and the lights come up, various GIRLS and COWBOYS carry a bass fiddle into the theater. Some of the GIRLS stay in the lobby and start dusting and painting. There is a general refurbishment going on. __* /8/ INCIDENTAL: REHEARSAL-SLAP THAT BASS (Piano & Drums)

Meanwhile, the COWBOY TRIO is rehearsing with PATSY, who's teaching them a dance step. MINGO is dancing with SAM, and MOOSE is dancing with PATSY. It isn't going too well.[NOTE: This scene can be played at the top of Scene Nine, i.e., on the stage of the theater, in which case the action moves continuously from the end of this scene into the beginning of what is now designated as Scene Nine.]PATSY & THE TRIOStep, zoom, step, step,Step, zoom, step, step,Step, zoom, step, step -(PATSY, exasperated, finally yells, "NO---!" Music and dancing stop TESS looks at the "rehearsal." It's unbearably awful.)TESSWell, that looks terr ... ific.PATSYThanks.

-------------------------------------------------------------*This number is also used at the beginning of Scene Nine.

TESSMaybe you'd better work on the Act One finale.PATSYRight.TESSI'll go help Zangler with the rehearsal.(TESS exits into the theater, still amazed at the BOYS' clumsiness.)PATSYOkay, fellas. Smile!(They turn on big smiles; PATSY calls out her instructions:)Now:Hands out, hands together, hands on head.Hands out, hands together, hands on hips.Hands out, hands together, hands on chest.(The COWBOYS put their hands on PATSY's chest.)PATSYNot my chest. Your chest!THE BOYSRight. Right. Let's try it again! One more time!PATSYOne more time(She takes a giant step backwards -- and is about to start again, when POLLY enters from the street. Simultaneously the phone starts ringing.)THE BOYS'Mornin', Polly.POLLYDon't forget, rehearsal in ten minutes!MINGOAnother rehearsal? Heck, I've been ready for a whole week!(PATSY and THE BOYS exit to the theater.)POLLY(Plugging into a phone line at the switchboard.)Gaiety Theater and U.S. Post office. The show opens tomorrow night at eight o'clock. Just get off at the junction, then it's about an hour's walk. ... Hello? ... Hello?!

(LANK enters, as POLLY disconnects and goes to work, putting up a poster.)LANKWell, well, well. The busy bee is hard at work.POLLYLank, this here's a theater and a post office. You can buy a ticket or a stamp. Otherwise, go back to your saloon.LANKPolly, you are wasting your time! The show is doomed. Do you honestly think that anyone is going to pay good money to see a bunch of singing numbskulls?(He opens the doors to the auditorium, and we hear the awful rehearsal continuing: "Hands out, hands together, hands on head:" As he closes the door, PETE enters from the street.)PETE'Mornin', Polly.POLLY'Mornin', Pete.LANKNow what does this man know about the theater? Hm?POLLYLay off him, Lank.LANK(Putting his arm around PETE.)Perhaps you would tell us, sir, your views of the contemporary American stage.PETE... Heck, I dunno.LANK"Heck, I don't know." I'd say that's fairly trenchant.PETEI s'pose you could say that ... Eugene O'Neill is just beginnin' to explore the symbolism of Greek tragedy.(A beat, then:)O' course, the realism of Anton Chekhov is still a pretty important influence.(A beat, then:)And then there's Stanislavsky -

LANK(Putting his hand over Pete's mouth.)Thank you!(POLLY, pleased with herself, heads for the street.)POLLY'Bye, Lank.LANKPolly, get back here - ! ... POLLY!!(She's gone.)PETEHeadstrong, ain't she?(A beat, then:)Kind reminds me of that gal in King Lear ...(LANK makes a lunge for PETE, who escapes into the theater.)LANK(Pulling out his gun.)I'll stop this show if it's the last thing I ever do!(At which point, the lobby opens out into the stage of the theater, and LANK is engulfed by waltzing COWBOYS.)1-8-41

ACT ONEScene NineSTAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER, continuous. The FOLLIES GIRLSare busy refurbishing the theater-- repainting the proscenium, climbing ladders, hanging lights, etc. Meanwhile, BOBBY (as ZANGLER) is teaching the COWBOYS a dance routine. __/8/ INCIDENTAL: REHEARSAL-SLAP THAT BASS (Piano & Drums)BOBBY & THE BOYSStep, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,And one two three four five six -(The COWBOYS are dancing with each other, and none of them is exactly Fred Astaire. MOOSE, in particular, is a truly terrible dancer. As the rehearsal deteriorates, and the noise of the repairs gets worse and worse, BOBBY can't take it any longer.)BOBBYVould you stop already! STOP!!(Silence.)I never seen such a mess!(To MOOSE:)You Nijinski. Come over here.MOOSE(Going to BOBBY)The name is Moose.BOBBYOkay, Moose. I got good news and bad news.MOOSEOh yeah? What's the bad news?BOBBYYou vill not be dancing in this number.MOOSEOh. What's the good news?BOBBYYou vill not be dancing in this number.

MOOSE(Down-hearted:)Okay.(EVERYONE moans for MOOSE.)BOBBYVait, vait, vait!(He looks around and spots a bass fiddle, which MITZI is polishing.)Hold your horse, I got idea. Come here, big fella. You play with this.(He takes the bass, hands it to MOOSE and walks away. MOOSE puts the bass on his knee and strums it like a guitar and starts singing "Bidin' My Time" with some of the other cowboys.)BOBBYNo no no!(He takes the bass.)Here. You vatch me. Like this.(He plucks out a rhythm, and hands it backto Moose.)Now you try it. You're gonna be Jascha Heifetz of theOld Vest.

__/9/ SLAP THAT BASS (Bobby as Zangler & Company) (BOBBY walks away ... and MOOSE starts to play, getting better and better, soon ably plucking out the same jazzy rhythm that BOBBY just played. BOBBY looks at him with surprise. He has an idea. He then looks at TESS and PATSY, who have the same idea. Based on the rhythm being plucked by MOOSE, BOBBY teaches the BOYS a number -- "Slap That Bass." During the number, the BOYS progress from sheer klutziness to a surprising level of accomplishment and enthusiasm -- all thanks to BOBBY. The GIRLS join in. POLLY wanders through the number, carrying a costume that needs sewing, then watches the rest of it from a perch on a ladder. During the number, we see her watching BOBBY/ZANGLER with admiration.)BOBBY [as ZANGLER]Zoom--zoom, zoom--zoom,The world is in a mess.With politics and taxesAnd people grinding axes,There's no happiness.

BobbyZoom--zoom, zoom--zoom,Rhythm, lead your ace!The future doesn't fret meIf I can only get meSomeone to slap that bass.PETEHappiness is not a riddleWhen I'm listning to that big bass fiddle.BOBBYSlap that bassGIRLSOH!PATSYSlap it till it's dizzy.BOBBYSlap that bassGIRLSYEAH!TESSKeep the rhythm busy.TESS & PATSYZoom, zoom, zoom--Misery--You got to go.BOBBYSlap that bass--TESS, PATSY, WYATT & JIMMYUse it like a tonic.BOBBYSlap that bass -THE COMPANYKeep your Philharmonic.

Zoom, zoom, zoom--And the milk and honey will flow!SAM & MINGODictators would be better offIf they zoom-zoomed now and then;

GIRLSZoom, Zoom, Zoom!PETEToday you can see that the happiest menGIRLSOh!THE COMPANYAll got rhythm.

TESS & PATSYBOYSIn which case,BOOM--BOOM, BOOMIf you want to bubble--BOOM--BOOM, BOOMbobbyslap that bass;BOOM--BOOM, BOOMslap away your trouble.BOOMBOOM.THE COMPANYLearn to zoom, zoom, zoom--Slap that bass!(Vocal scat section - 12 bars a cappella.)BOYS (Bass)Boom, Boom,Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,(Bass - Repeat, Add:) GIRLS (ALTO)

Zoom, Zoom,Zoom, Zoom,(Bass & Alto - Repeat, Add:) BOYS (TENOR)

Zoodledy Doodledy Boom, BoomBoom, Boom.(Bass, Tenor & Alto - Repeat, Add:) GIRLS (SOPRANO)

Boomity Bangity Zing, Zing,Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.(Tenor, Soprano & Alto - Repeat) BOYS (BASS)

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.FULL COMPANYZoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.Zoom!

(Dance Break.)BOYS(JIMMY, WYATT, BILLY, SAM, CUSTUS & PETE, during dance break shouted in rhythm:)Hands out, hands together, hands on head!Hands out, hands together, hands on hips!Hands out, hands together, hands on chest!COMPANYDictators would be better offIf they zoom-zoomed now and then;Today you can see that the happiest menAll got rhythm!

All got rhythm!

In which case,If you want to bubble--Slap that bass;Slap away your trouble.Learn to zoom zoom zoom

Slap that bass!(When the number's over, the BOYS and GIRLS hoot with triumph. They've really accomplished something.)BOBBYOkay, vonce more from the top.(The COMPANY groans.)

That vas joke! Lunch, lunch, lunch!(The COMPANY disperses.)TESS(To BOBBY:)Not too shabby, kiddo!(TESS exits - at which point, IRENE enters, carrying a suitcase. She's obviously just arrived in town. BOBBY, looking the other way, doesn't see her enter.)IRENEExcuse me. I'm looking for someone named Bobby Child.(BOBBY turns and sees her -- and panics.)

BOBBY(Trying to get away, covering his facewith a towel.)I have not seen him lately. Maybe you should try Vyoming.IRENE... BOBBY!!!BOBBY(Dropping the towel; in his own voice:)Irene. Hi ...IRENEWhat the hell are you doing?!BOBBYWell, I-I-I-I'm putting on a show. I'm Bela Zangler.IRENEYou look like Karl Marx. ... Why in God's name would you dress up like some idiot in the middle of Nevada -?!(At which point, POLLY runs in with some flyers and hurries up to BOBBY, flushed with excitement.)POLLYMr. Zangler?(To IRENE:)Hi. Excuse me.(To BOBBY, with adoration:)I just gotta tell ya, I mean, what you're doing' here, it's like a miracle!(She kisses him.)BOBBYThank you ...POLLYI'll be back in a minute. I gotta get these flyers off to Sky bluff!(She hurries off into the wings.)BOBBY(Calling to her:)Take your time!IRENE... I should have known.BOBBYIrene -

IRENEYou're doing this for her!BOBBYWell, not exactly -IRENEBobby! I saw that revolting look in your eyes. Like a cow who needs milking.BOBBYIrene -!IRENEAnd I'm sure she'd love to hear all about the real you.BOBBYHey. Come on! You wouldn't do that!IRENEWe are leaving here tomorrow morning.BOBBYJust one sec -IRENE(Grabbing him by the lapels.)Bobby, you are talking to a frustrated woman!BOBBYI can see that -(She kisses him on the lips. He struggles in vain, as POLLY hurries in.)POLLYMr. Zangl - ... Oh. Sorry.BOBBY(Disengaging himself from IRENE.)Polly ... Polly ... Polly ... Ve have a visitor.(To IRENE:)Polly is only voman living in Deadrock.IRENEI guess that's why she looks so tired.BOBBYPolly, this is a very old friend of mine.POLLYWell, she sure moves good for her age.

IRENEMy age? I suppose you just had your coming-out party.POLLYOh, I never had a comin'-out party. I never even knew what the word meant till I saw that dress of yours.IRENEWould you like to borrow it?POLLYWell, not till I'm buried.BOBBY(To IRENE:)She vas making a joke ...IRENEI suppose it must look rather odd to you, not having any leather fringe on it.POLLYThat's okay. Your hair kinda makes up for it.BOBBYI just knew you two vould be good friends.(By which time, LANK has entered.)LANKExcuse me. Mr. Zangler? May I speak with you for a moment?BOBBY... Ya?(LANK grabs BOBBY roughly by the shirt-front.)LANKListen, you! I want you out of here on the next train!BOBBYYou don't like show?LANKNo I don't like show. And I don't like you hanging around my woman all day!BOBBYYou vould prefer all night?(LANK shakes him hard.)Ow!

LANKMaybe you'd better take a look at something.(He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a piece of paper.)Read that.BOBBY... It's a vedding license.LANKHave I made my intentions clear enough for you?BOBBYI guess so, but ... I just don't vant to marry you.LANKYou are close to an idiot!(BOBBY looks at him ... then takes a giant step away.)LANKThat isn't funny.BOBBYFine. Now leave my theater.LANKI'm warning you, Zangler - !BOBBYGet out of here! Now! I am busy man!!LANKYou haven't seen the end of me!BOBBYIf it's like the front, I don't vant to see it!IRENE(To LANK:)Excuse me. You don't by chance have a hotel in this town?LANK(Sensing a rich customer.)Well. As a matter of fact, I own that beautiful hotel, right next door.IRENEGood. Can you give a room and a bath?

LANK(Offended:)Madam, I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath.(LANK exits. IRENE gives BOBBY a look and exits with her suitcase.)BOBBYPolly, ve have important talk now, ya?POLLYSure. What's up?BOBBYI vant to speak to you about Bobby Child.POLLYOh, him.BOBBYPolly, he is a vonderful boy. Handsome. Talented. Brave.POLLYI ain't even seen him for days. Which is lucky for him!BOBBYPolly, he has told me, he is ... crazy for you.POLLYWell, I can't help that. I'm already spoken for.BOBBY... You are?!POLLYYeah. In my heart, anyway.BOBBYIt is that ... Lank person, ya?(Music starts under for next number.)I tell you, I don't like him! He is totally wrong for you -!POLLYIt isn't Lank!BOBBY... Moose?POLLY(Sighs.)You just don't understand anything, do ya?

___/10/ EMBRACEABLE YOU (Polly & Bobby as Zangler)POLLYDozens of men would storm up;I had to lock my door.Somehow I couldn't warm upTo one before.BOBBYPete. ... Sam?POLLYWhat was it that controlled me?What kept my love-life lean?BOBBY(Counting off the men on his fingers)Lank, Moose, Pete, Sam ...POLLYMy intuition told meYou'd come on the scene.BOBBY... Me?!POLLY(Putting his hand on her heart.)Mister, listen to the rhythm of my heartbeat,BOBBYUh oh.POLLYAnd you'll know just what I mean.BOBBYPolly, you are making big mistake here -!POLLYEmbrace me,My sweet embraceable you.BOBBYI think ve gotta talk about this -POLLYEmbrace me,YOU irreplaceable you.

BOBBYThis is not vhat I vas planning -POLLYJust one look at you--my heart grew tipsy in me;(She strokes the side of his head, and he screams for fear of his wig moving:)BOBBYNo no no no no no no!!POLLYYou and you alone bring out the gypsy in me.BOBBYThat's because I am Hungarian -POLLY(Getting very hot now:)I love allthe many charms about you;BOBBYYou are making big joke now, ya -?POLLYAbove all.I want my arms about you.BOBBYOkay. It's not a joke ...POLLYDon't be a naughty babyCome to Polly--come to PollY--do!My sweet embraceable you.(As the refrain plays in the orchestra, she takes him in her arms and begins to dance with him around the stage. He's fighting his impulse to give in to her.)BOBBYNow just imagine if I vas Bobby.POLLYYou dance even better than he does.BOBBYNo, I don't think so ...(They continue to dance.)

POLLYIn your arms I find love so delectable, dear,I'm afraid it isn't quite respectable, dear.

But hang it!Come on, let's glorify love!Ding dang it!You'll shout "Encore!" if I love.

Don't be a naughty baby,Come to Polly--come to Polly--do!(Finally, he comes to her.)Polly and BobbyMy sweet embraceable...(As they kiss, the music swells. They kiss passionately, as the lights change, and the next scene erupts around them. Music segues on applause.)1-9-54

ACT ONEScene TenBACKSTAGE OF THE GAIETY THEATER, Saturday night, about 7 o'clock.We see two dressing rooms in cutaway -- one for the GIRLS and one for the BOYS -- separated by a corridor down the middle. In and around the dressing rooms, the GIRLS and the BOYS are getting ready for the show -- putting on makeup, pulling on costumes, etc. There an opening night atmosphere of excitement and anticipation. ___/11/ TONIGHTS THE NIGHT (Chorus)BOYSHands out, hands together, hands on head!Hands out, hands together, hands on hips!Hands out, hands together, hands on chest!THE COMPANYI've just got a feeling:Tonight's the night!Let's tear down the ceiling--Tonight's the night!Take the chain and ball off--For now on I'm free;

This is where I fall offThe family tree.There's no fun in being an angel child;I hear the call of the wild.If the worst should happen, it serves me right--Tonight's the night!(The music continues as an underscore.)CUSTUSOpening night! Gal-darn, this is fun! I ain't seen so much excitement around here since my horse foaled.PATSYWow! It must be hard to fold a horse!(The music comes up, then goes down again, as POLLY hurries through the BOYS' dressing room, handing out programs. BOBBY (as BOBBY) is pursuing her.)

BOBBYPolly, would you listen to me?! It's about Zangler!POLLYOf all the times for you to show up -!(They get to the corridor.)BOBBYYou kissed him, didn't you?!(This stops her.)POLLY... Have you been spyin' on us?!BOBBYOf course not! He ... he-he-he told me!POLLYYa know, I'm not surprised that you are jealous of him.BOBBYJealous - ?!POLLYThe man is a do-er, Bobby. He has accomplished things. He is just so full of energy and vision -!(She starts to go.)BOBBYPolly, you are falling in love with the wrong man!!(POLLY exits into the GIRLS' Dressing Room,leaving BOBBY in the corridor.)BOBBYWhy am I so much better as Zangler?!(BOBBY exits through the GIRLS' Dressing Room -- evoking screams of protest. The music comes up and then goes down again. At this moment, EVERETT heads through the BOYS' Dressing Room, pursued by LANK. LANK is carrying a suitcase full of money. They reach the corridor:)LANKEverett, would you listen to me!EVERETTI'm not interested.

LANK(Opening the case to give EVERETT a look, then snapping it shut.)Three hundred dollars if you call off the show -EVERETTKeep your money, Lank.LANK(Pulling out even more money.)All right, four hundred!EVERETTInvest in something. Start a ... casino.LANKDon't be stupid! Who would come to Nevada to gamble?!(EVERETT exits through the GIRLS' Dressing Room, causing screams, leaving LANK in the corridor. The music comes up, then goes down again. At this moment, IRENE storms through the BOYS' Dressing Room, catching some of the BOYS with their pants down.)THE BOYS(Covering themselves; embarrassed:)Hey, lady! What are ya doin?! Would you get outta here!(IRENE enters the corridor and sees LANK.)IRENEHave you seen "Zangler"?! He's been avoiding me all day!LANKMadam, that is your problem.IRENEIt's both our problems! If the show succeeds, you could lose Polly and I could lose Bobby!LANKWho's Bobby?IRENEZangler!LANK"Bobby Zangler?"

IRENEHis name is "Child!"LANK"Child Zangler?"IRENENo, you idiot! Zangler is Child!LANKWell, he certainly acts grown up.IRENEYou are so stupid!!LANKI'm stupid - ?!!(They exit arguing. The music comes up.)ALLThere's no fun in being an angel child;I hear the call of the wild.(Music goes down again, as JIMMY, holding binoculars, runs into the GIRLS' Dressing Room and shouts over "train" vamp:)JIMMYHOLD IT EVERYBODY! I SPOTTED SOME PEOPLE COMIN, STRAIGHT FROM THE STATION!(The BOYS run out through the GIRLS' Dressing Room, as the GIRLS finish the song.)THE GIRLSIf the worst should happen, it serves me right--Tonight's the night!(As they sing, the dressing rooms slide off and the scene changes.)1-10-58

ACT ONEScene ElevenMAIN STREET, DEADROCK, immediately following. As the song fades away, IRENE and LANK are coming out of the theater, still arguing, followed by POLLY and EVERETT, then the rest of the cast. A large banner over the theater reads: "ZANGLER FOLLIES".IRENEFor God's sake, do something!LANKWould you stop nagging! I am not your husband!IRENEIf you were my husband, I'd kill myself.LANKQuick! Find a minister!IRENEI did not come here to be insulted!LANKOh? Where do you usually go?!(LANK and IRENE exit into the saloon.)POLLYOh, Dad. Where's Bela?! He should be here for this!(Calling into the saloon.)Bela!(BOBBY hurries out as ZANGLER, still pulling his coat on.)BOBBYI vas just upstairs, talking to Bobby -POLLYNot now!BOBBYHe is just so full of energy and vision! He is a do-er, Polly! He has accomplished things -!(POLLY gives BOBBY a kiss.)

POLLYThat's for luck.(At this moment, JIMMY calls down from the roof of the theater:)JIMMYHERE THEY COME! THEYRE ROUNDIN THE BEND!(A cheer from the cast. IRENE and LANK come out of the saloon to watch. A beat, then for a moment, no one appears. Then, from the desert, EUGENE and PATRICIA -- a chirpy English couple in their mid-30's -- stride into view. They seasonedtravelers, and the walk from the station hasn't tired them a bit. THEY see the assembled COMPANY and smile affably.)EUGENEHallo.PATRICIAGood evening.EUGENEIs this Deadrock, Nevada?WYATTIt sure is.EUGENEJolly good.POLLYWhere's everybody else?PATRICIAEveryone else?POLLYFrom the train!PATRICIAI didn't see anyone else on the train, did you, dear?EUGENEOh, now wait. There was that rather older gentleman. We left the poor chap somewhere in the desert.PATRICIAFrankly, I'm not sure he'll make it.(They laugh at this.)

TESSYou mean there's just the two of you?EUGENEI'm afraid so. Is that a problem.(Stunned silence. Everyone just looks at each other.)POLLY(Bravely:)... No. No, that's okay. I guess you want to buy your tickets now.EUGENETickets?POLLYTo see the show!(She points at the COMPANY and they strike a pose.)THE COMPANYTa da!PATRICIAOh, dear.EUGENEI'm afraid we're not here to see a stage show.POLLYYou're not?EUGENEOh, no no no. You see, we're writing a sort of guide book to the American West.PATRICIAWe hope to do a series of them.EUGENE(Extending his hand.)The name is Fodor. I'm Eugene. This is Patricia.PATRICIA(Consulting her notes.)Now let's see. We're here to review the ... "Lank Hawkins Saloon bar, Hotel and Restaurant."(A beat, then LANK comes forward.)

LANKWell, well, well! How do you do. Lank Hawkins. Proprietor of the said establishment.PATRICIAOh, lucky us!EUGENEAre we still in time for dinner, Mr. Hawkins?LANKAbsolument. Bien soor.(He leads them to the saloon.)Entrez.(The FODORS exit.)LANK(To BOBBY:)The clouds part, and justice reigneth supreme.(LANK laughs with delight and exits into the saloon. IRENE follows him in. For a moment, there's dead silence. The entire COMPANY has hit rock bottom. POLLY is ready to cry.)CUSTUS... I can't believe it. After all the rehearsin'.PETEMaybe some people are comin' by car.EVERETTNo. No. I wouldn't count on it.(Long pause.)BOBBY(Quietly:)I believe I owe you all ... a very big apology, ya?EVERETT(Heartbroken:)... No. No. It's not your fault.BOBBYBut it is, I'm afraid. I put on show, raise your hopes, and do not sell for you a single ticket.(Pause; to POLLY:)I am truly sorry.

(BOBBY, stricken, heads slowly for the saloon.)POLLYNow wait a second! So what if we didn't sell any tickets? That doesn't mean we're a failure.BOBBYIn the theater business, it's a pretty good indication.POLLYWell, not out here it ain't. I mean, look at all you've given us. Just look around! Before you came along, we were nothin' but a bunch of ... lazy drifters. We didn't do anything! Then you showed up and ... somethin' magical happened. We've been workin' together, and carin' about things and feelin' alive!

___/12/ I GOT RHYTHM (Polly & Company)POLLYDays can be sunny,with never a sigh;Don't need what moneycan buy.

Birds in the tree singtheir dayful of song.Why shouldn't we singalong?

I'm chipper all the day,Happy with my lot.How did I get that way?Look at what I've got:

I got rhythm,I got music,I got my man--Who could ask for anything more?

I got daisiesIn green pastures,I got my man--Who could ask for anything more?

Old man trouble,I don't mind him--You won't find him'Round my door.

I got starlight,I got sweet dreams,

I got my man--Who could ask for anything more--Who could ask for anything more?JUNIORI got rhythm,CUSTUSI got music,POLLYI got my man--JUNIOR & CUSTUSWho could ask for anything more?PETEI got daisiesWYATTIn green pastures.POLLYI got my man--JUNIOR, CUSTUS, PETE & WYATTWho could ask for anything more?POLLYCOMPANYOld man trouble,Ooh----I don't mind him--You won't find himOoh----Hangin' 'round my front or back door.EVERETTI got starlight,WYATTI got sweet dreams,POLLYI got my man--Who could ask for anything more--THE BOYSWho could ask for anything more?(Dance break.)

_____/12-I/ DANCE-PART ONE: I GOT RHYTHM (Polly & Company)THE COMPANYOld man trouble,I don't mind him--You won't find him'Round my door. POLLYI got rhythm,Ah ...I got music,I got my man/GAL--Who could ask for anything more? POLLYI got daisiesAh ...In green pasturesI got my man/GAL--Who could ask for anything more?(Dance break.)

______/12-II/ DANCE-PART TWO: I GOT RHYTHM (Company)

(A pause before the final lines -- when out of the desert, exhausted and limping, BELA ZANGLER enters Deadrock, carrying a suitcase.)ZANGLERVater ... Vater ...(No one sees him, or hears him above the music, and he collapses to the ground in a dead faint, as the COMPANY sings the final lines at the top of their lungs:)

Who could ask for anything more?!

Who could ask for anything more?!

End of Act One1-11-65

___/13/ ENTRACTE: THE REAL AMERICAN FOLK SONG (Cowboy Trio & Chorus)

ACT TWOScene OneINSIDE LANK's SALOON, fifteen minutes later. The COMPANY is having a party, dancing and drinking. EUGENE and PATRICIA are at a table, finishing dinner. LANK is beaming. MOOSE, MINGO, SAM and POLLY are entertaining with a song:Cowboy Trio (MINGO, MOOSE & SAM)The real American folk song is a rag--A mental jag--A rhythmic tonic for the chronic blues.The critics called it a joke song, boy nowthey've changed their tuneAnd they like it somehow.For it's inoculatedWith a syncopatedsort of meter,Sweeterthan a classic strain;Boy! You can't remainStill and quiet--For it's a riot!The real American folk songIs like a fountain of youth:You taste, and it elates you,And then invigorates you.The real American folk song--Master stroke song--Is a rag.

(TRIO sings a Scatt, Falsetto, Obbligatoto Orch. Refrain, 16 Bars.)THE COMPANYThe real American folk songIs like the fountain of youth:You taste, and it elates you,And then, invigorates you.THE COMPANY & THE TRIOThe real American folk song--Trio (MINGO, MOOSE & SAM)Yippie i oh Ki-AI KAi-oh!

THE COMPANY & THE TRIOThe real American folk song -MINGO, MOOSE AND SAMHoo-dle-lee hoo-day-ee hoo-dle-ee hoo-day-ee oh!THE COMPANYThe real American folk song--Is a rag.

What a rag!

_____________/13 continued/ INCIDENTAL: AMERICAN RAG (Piano solo)LANK(Still applauding after the others have stopped; to the Fodors:)Just marvelous! Wasn't that wonderful? My God, this is a nice place!EUGENEWe have a bit of laundry for you. Will that be all right?LANKLaundry? No problem. Enchantee.PATRICIAAnd we'd like a wake-up call, please, at five a.m.LANK... Five a.m.??EUGENEWe just love seeing the dawn breaking out here in the West.LANK... Right.PATRICIAGood night, all!EUGENENighty-night!LANKGood night! Sleep well ... And quickly!(As the FODORS exit up the stairs, and LANK exits to the back room, music out as BOBBY (as BOBBY) hurries out of his room and down the stairs looking for POLLY. He spots her at the bar.)

BOBBYPolly!POLLYI'm havin' a drink.BOBBYI've got to talk to you.(He leads her away from the bar.)This is important.POLLYWhat's up?BOBBYPolly ...(He takes a breath -- and almost kneels.)I've really thought about this, and ... well, it could be my last chance and ... Polly, I want you to marry me.POLLYBobby -BOBBYLook, I-I-I realize the show didn't work -POLLYIt's not that -BOBBYBut I'll get a job, out here, and raise the money -!POLLYYou can't do that.BOBBYOf course I can! Are you kidding? I'll-I'll-I'll be a cowpoke. I'll learn to poke cows.POLLYBobby. The fact is, I'm in love with Bela.BOBBYPolly -POLLYOut there on the street just now, it was like a celebration of what our show would have been like, thanks to him -BOBBYPolly -

POLLYI just can't help it! Whenever I'm with him, I feel somethin' strange, sorta ... down in my basement.(Pause.)I'm sorry, Bobby.(She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek, then heads for the door.)BOBBY... Polly!(She turns. Pause. )BOBBY... I've got to tell you something.POLLYWhat?BOBBY... You're not going to believe this.POLLYWhat?!BOBBYI'm Bela Zangler.POLLY... Huh?BOBBYI'm Zangler. Me. I'm him.(The explanation pours out of him.)You see, when you got so mad at me, that first day, I-I-I realized there was only one way I could help, so I called up Tess, and-and-and she brought the clothes and the beard and ... that's who you fell in love with.(Pause.)POLLYBobby, this is pathetic.BOBBYBut it's true!POLLYHow can ya stand there and just lie like this -?

BOBBYLook, I'll do the accent, okay? "Vell vell vell, it is so nice to see you today -"POLLY(Overlapping:)You are makin' such a fool of yourself -BOBBY"Ve have rehearsal now, ya?"POLLY(Overlapping:)This is so sad -BOBBY"First ve practice a little tap-dancing -"POLLYBobby, stop it! I just hate this -!BOBBYPolly, you've got to believe me! I'm Zangler!(At this moment, ZANGLER staggers in from the street, parched and barely able to stand up.)ZANGLERVater ... vater ...(He grabs a bottle of whiskey from the reception desk and starts to drink.)BOBBYI'll show you the clothes and-and the beard and makeup! They're upstairs! I'll prove it to you!POLLYHi, Bela!BOBBY(Glancing over his shoulder.)Hi, Bela.(Back to POLLY:)Polly, I wouldn't lie to you! I'd never ..........(He stops cold. He looks at ZANGLER -- then drops to the ground. A group from the bar gathers 'round him in concern.)POLLY'Night, Bobby. Nice try.

(She heads for ZANGLER.)PATSYHey, Bobby! Are you all right?!POLLY(To ZANGLER:)Hi.ZANGLERHow do you do.(She kisses him on the mouth. BOBBY sees it and groans. She kisses ZANGLER again, with increasing passion. BOBBY groans louder and grabs a bottle of liquor from CUSTUS. As the kiss continues, POLLY rubs her hand down ZANGLER's leg.)BOBBYOh, my God ...(BOBBY heads up the stairs, drinking from the bottle. At last, POLLY breaks the kiss.)ZANGLERThank you.POLLY(Sexy:)'Night, Bela.(Matter-of-factly, calling up the stairs:)'Night, Bobby!(POLLY exits. BOBBY groans and exits into his room. ZANGLER is staring at the door where POLLY exited. TESS hurries up to ZANGLER.)TESSBela! What are you doing here?!ZANGLERI don't know, but I'm coming back.TESSYou could ruin everything!ZANGLERTessie! I have come three thousand miles just to bevith you!

(He starts kissing her arm and works his wayto her neck.)TESSStop it, stop it. Would you - Oooooooh.(She's momentarily turned on; then get a hold of herself.)Bela, how many times do I have to tell you?! I don't enjoy your company, I'm bored when I'm with you, and I don't find you even remotely attractive.ZANGLERYou see? Ve could be married already.TESSAnd how is Mrs. Zangler?ZANGLERShe left me.TESSYou're kidding.ZANGLERShe is running around vith some stinking louse!TESSI guess she couldn't break the habit.ZANGLERTessie! Vhy do you say such things?! You know I vould do anything for you!TESS(A sudden thought.)... Anything?ZANGLERVithin reason.TESS... I think I have an idea.(TESS drags ZANGLER to a corner of the room and they continue to talk. Meanwhile, IRENE and LANK enter at the balcony at the same time, each from a different room.)IRENEMr. Hawkins!

LANKWhat?!IRENE(Thrusting her room-service tray at LANK.)In case you're wondering, the coffee was cold, the food was inedible, and the cutlery was filthy.LANKMadam, if you don't like it here, I can show you the wide open spaces!IRENEI have no desire to look inside your head!(THE BOYS laugh, as IRENE exits back into her room and LANK heads down the stairs and exits to the back room.)LANK... GOD!(He's gone. At which point, we refocus on ZANGLER and TESS.)ZANGLERI do not do shows in desert!TESSWe have the show! We need an audience.ZANGLERThis is middle of no place!TESSWell advertise! Get the word out! You could do it!ZANGLERIt is impossible!TESS(A beat, then:)Fine. Don't ever kiss this neck again.(She walks away, but ZANGLER follows her.)ZANGLERTessie, please! It vouldn't vork! This is town of morons!TESSThat is so typical.

ZANGLERTessie -TESSThese are nice, normal, healthy people.(At this moment, WYATT comes up to TESS and takes her arm.)WYATTHey, sugar, how 'bout a drink?TESSYou got it, buster.ZANGLERTessie!BILLYHey! Wait a second! That's my woman!WYATT(Laughing:)Well, not anymore.BILLYI SAID LET HER GO!!WYATTI SAID NO!!(The two BOYS start fighting: a right to the jaw,a left to the stomach. Instantly, some of the other BOYS join the battle. JIMMY crashes in through the bar doors and starts shooting. Gunfire is exchanged. The BOYS are dying right and left. The battle ends with JIMMY shooting BILLY, who falls from the balcony onto the bar, then onto the floor, rolling over and over as he dies. Meanwhile, the GIRLS are screaming. A beat, then BILLY rolls over for a last time. Silence. Then ZANGLER pours himself a drink, his hand shaking.)ZANGLERNice, normal, healthy people ...(The dead men rise and dust themselves off.)BILLYIt's gettin' better.

CUSTUSWhich one was that?WYATTThe Dalton Boys meet the Clanton Gang!PATSYYou were so brave!WYATTThank ya, ma'am.(The BOYS and GIRLS - including TESS - drift out to the street. ZANGLER stares after them in amazement, retracing BILLY's fall with his finger. By this time, everyone's gone, his bottle is empty, and he's extremely drunk. He's alone in thesaloon. He walks to the bar for another bottle.)ZANGLER(Calling out:)Tessie!(No answer.)Tessie ...(A beat, then BOBBY -- in his ZANGLER costume -- appears at the top of the stairs, falling-down drunk, carrying an empty whiskey bottle.)BOBBY(With his ZANGLER accent -- which he uses throughout the rest of the scene:)Polly! Look! It's me ...! Do you see? It's me! ...(But she's gone; for a moment, we see the two ZANGLERS.)Polly, Polly, Polly ...ZANGLERTessie, Tessie, Tessie ...(ZANGLER walks behind the bar for another bottle stumbles and falls out of sight with a crash. BOBBY heads down the stairs, loses his footing and careens down the steps, almost killing himself.)BOBBY(Like a baseball umpire:)Safe!

(BOBBY manages to walk down the final step, then weaves his way to the bar. On the bar are two plates, each with a hot dog in a bun on a napkin. BOBBY puts down his empty bottle and hits the bar three times, to call the bartender, but on the third hit, he falls to the floor -- at which point, ZANGLER stands up, puts his full bottle on the bar, sees BOBBY's empty, takes it, and ducks behind the bar again -- just as BOBBY stands up. In other words, they still haven't seen each other. BOBBY now sees the full bottle, and he takes it, along with one of the plates, and weaves toward the table. As he goes, ZANGLER stands up again with another full bottle. He takes the other plate and follows BOBBY to the table. They both sit at the table (at the same time) still oblivious to each other. Facing each other, they both take a bite of their hot dogs and chew, looking straight at each other. A mirror image. They assume it's a mirror and therefore don't react. They just chew. Then they each take another bite and chew some more. Then they bend towards each other -- and they both wipe their mouths to remove some mustard. They simultaneously uncork their bottles, pour a drink into their shot glasses, cross their legs and drink -- and then gargle.)BOTHShe doesn't vant me!(Pause.)Bela, Bela, Bela ...(They look at each other -- take off their glasses for a better look -- pull their eyes open and see how awful they both look, moan, and pour themselves another drink. ZANGLER is about to drink, but BOBBY holds out his glass for a toast. ZANGLER notices this and clinks glasses. They're about to drink, when they both realize that this wouldn't happen in a mirror. They pause; then shrug and say "Eh," and drink their drinks. They put down their drinks. BOBBY belches loudly. ZANGLER hits his chest and says:)ZANGLERExcuse me.(A beat, then they suddenly become bitter.)BOBBY... Vomen.

ZANGLERVomen.BOBBYI'm so upset.ZANGLERI am beside myself.(A beat, then they look at each other.)

___/14/ WHAT CAUSES THAT? (Bobby & Zangler)ZANGLERShe's so full of trickery--Life is bitter as chicory;Bitterness fills my cup.BOBBYI'm sorry you brought that up.

Once I thought I'd search aroundFor the little church aroundThe corner. but now I seeBOTHIt never was meant to be.ZANGLEROnce she used to praise me--BOBBYWhy is she so high hat?ZANGLERBoy, does she amaze me!BOTHTell me what causes that?BOBBYWhen I'm away from her I start despairing--BOTHOy oy oy oy -ZANGLERYou ought to know by now what causes that!BOBBYI got pretty good idea.

ZANGLERI'm growing balder from the hair I'm tearing--BOTHSheeee ...

You ought to know by now what causes that!

When she keeps on brushing you aside--Oh gosh, you're all at sea!You go contemplating suicide--It's much too much for me!

You're not so dumb that you don't know the answer:Loving her is what causes that!(They get their hands tangled in the backs oftheir chairs.)ZANGLER(Climbing a chair.)If I should climb the Brooklyn Bridge and jump off--BOBBYVait, you could hurt yourself.ZANGLERThat's the idea.BOBBYOh, I suppose you'd ask, what causes that?ZANGLERI'm depressed.BOBBYYou're depressed? I'm not myself today.

If I should get a gun and bump this chump off--ZANGLERPoint that thing the other vay!

Oh, I suppose you'd ask, what causes that?BOTHReally, you don't have to mope aroundAnd burn up as you do;There's a cannon and rope around;;There's lots of poison too.

I'm very blue of late and there's a reason:

ZANGLERLoving her ...BOBBYLoving her ...BOTHIs what causes that!(They dance.)BOTHI'm very blue of late and there's a reason:Loving her is what causes that!... Is what causes that!... Is what causes that!... Is what causes that!(They weave their way back to the table, try to grab their glasses and miss. They stumble underneath the table -- reach up and get their glasses -- and clink. On the last note of the song, they faint, out cold, their heads next to each other. Blackout. On applause, music segues to:)

____/14A/ SCENE CHANGE-BOBBY WAKES UP (Orchestra)

(Music fades out under opening dialogueof next Scene.)2-1-14

ACT TWOScene TwoLANK's SALOON, the next morning, about 10 o'clock. Sun is streaming in from the doorway. BOBBY and ZANGLER are just where we left them -- out cold, looking identical, under the table. PETE, JUNIOR and HARRY are cleaning up from the night before. CUSTUS is also there. They're all depressed; and none of them has noticed the two men under the table. After a beat, POLLY enters with her mail bag and a few letters.POLLYMail call!(The BOYS just look at her -- and go back to what they were doing. POLLY sighs. It's the same old thing.)POLLYNow don't forget, we got a company meetin' in twenty minutes over at the theater.CUSTUSI don't see what that'll prove.JUNIORIt's too late now.POLLYWell we gotta decide what to do, don't we? We still got two weeks left on that mortgage.HARRYTwo weeks.PETEBig deal.POLLYWell we gotta do somethin'. I'd rather sell the place to Lank than let that bank have it.CUSTUS(Offering POLLY a mug of tea.)Tea?

POLLYThanks.(She takes a sip of tea as she flips through the mail; she sees something for BOBBY and hollers up the stairs:)POLLYHEY, BOBBY!!! YOU UP THERE?!!! HEY!!!(No answer.)BOBBY!! YA GOT A TELEGRAM!!(BOBBY gets to his knees. He has a hangover and a splitting headache. He also has no idea that he's dressed as Zangler -- so of course, he uses his own voice.)BOBBY(Singing:)I got rhythm, I got music. I got such a headache! Ohhhhh ... Morning, Polly. Oh, my back! Oh, my legs! My stomach! My throat! ...(He touches his cheek and can't find his nose.)My nose?!(He finds his nose and sighs with relief.)... Is that my telegram?(POLLY and the BOYS hear BOBBY'S voice from ZANGLER's body, and stare at him dumbfounded. Throughout the following speech, they continue to stare, without moving, their mouths agape.)BOBBY(He takes the telegram out of her hand.)I'll be it's from Mother again. That's just what I need right now.(He tears the telegram open and reads it:)"Dear Fat-head. Stop." Yep. It's Mom. "Stop this nonsense. Stop. This is your final notice. Stop." Sounds like an electric bill. "Get back here on next train. Stop. Don't stop. Stop. Will stop allowance if you stop. Stop. Your loving mother. Stop.(A beat, then:)P.S. Your uncle stopped by."(A beat, then:)I wish she'd write letters.(As he puts the telegram away, he starts to realize that something's not right; he looks around; nobody moves.)What's the matter? ... Polly? ... Hello ...?

POLLY(Almost a whisper)... Is that you?(At this point, ZANGLER wakes up, moans and getsto his feet.)ZANGLER(Also hungover.)Ohhhhh ...(BOBBY sees ZANGLER.)BOBBYHi, Bela.(... and then it hits him; he touches his beard.)Uh-oh.POLLY... Bobby?BOBBYHi. ... Well, I guess you believe me now, huh? Are you ready for this?(He peels off his beard and moustache.)This is the best part.(He pulls off his wig.)Ta da!ZANGLER... Do you also do James Cagney?BOBBY(Singing, a cappella:)"Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you." Remember that? "Embrace me, you irreplaceable -(WHAP!!! She slaps him across the face, sending him reeling.)BOBBYPolly - !(WHAP!!! She slaps him again. A beat, then he falls to his knees, moans and holds the sides of his head in pain.)BOBBYWhat was that for?! You're in love with me. Youadmitted it!

POLLYThat was Zangler!ZANGLERMe?POLLYNot you!ZANGLERThere is third Zangler?POLLYThe one I cared about! The real Zangler!BOBBYThat's what I'm telling you! That was me!ZANGLERYou mean you are real Zangler?BOBBYI'm not the real Zangler. I'm ... Zangler.ZANGLERThen who am I?POLLYThat's what I want to know!ZANGLER... I'm not so sure.POLLYI don't even know who I kissed last night!!BOBBY & ZANGLER(Both raise their hands.)Me.POLLYOh, my God ...ZANGLERShe kissed you too?BOBBYOf course she kissed me!ZANGLERHad you met her before?

BOBBYI fell in love with her!ZANGLERThat must have been some kiss.POLLYWould ya stop this!ZANGLERStop?POLLYStop!BOBBY(Pulling out the telegram.)You sound like my mother.POLLY(To BOBBY>)You made a jackass outta me.BOBBYNo, I didn't.POLLYOf course ya did.BOBBYI did not!ZANGLERMaybe I did.BOBBY & POLLYWould you stay out of this!(POLLY groans with embarrassment and heads angrily for the door.)BOBBYPolly - !POLLY(Stopping at the door.)I have never been so humiliated in my whole life.(She exits. Pause.)

CUSTUS(To BOBBY:)I guess you won't be at that meetin' now, will ya?BOBBY... What meeting?JUNIORDown at the theater. We're decidin' what to do.CUSTUSShe's thinkin' of sellin' the place to Lank.BOBBYShe can't do that! You've got to stop her!THE BOYSOh, yeah. Fat chance. (etc.)BOBBYWhat time's the meeting?MINGOIn about ten minutes.BOBBY(Heading up the stairs.)I've got to change. Don't start the meeting without me!(By this time, ZANGLER is on the balcony, about to enter his room.)ZANGLERExcuse me.BOBBYYeah?ZANGLERAre you going as me or you?BOBBYMe.ZANGLERThat's good. Then I can go as me.(ZANGLER exits, as BOBBY hurries up the rest of the stairs -- and runs straight into IRENE, who comes out of her room.)

IRENEThere you are. Are you ready to go now?BOBBYI can't now! I'm in a hurry!IRENEI've been waiting in this stinking town for three days!BOBBYIrene, please! I don't have time!IRENEWell, make some time! I am your fiancee.BOBBYNo, you're not!IRENEBobby -!BOBBYIrene, I'm sorry. It's really over. I'm in love with Polly.IRENEBobby -!BOBBYWish me luck.(He kisses her cheek.)You're a pal.(He exits into his room.)IRENEBobby, come back here! Open up!!(He's gone.)Damn! Damn! Damn!(At this moment, LANK runs in from the corridor, clutching dirty laundry, past IRENE and down the stairs, looking madly around for a place to hide.)LANKYou haven't seen me!(At which point, PATRICIA and EUGENE enter from the corridor. WYATT and MINGO enter from the street.)PATRICIAOh, Mr. Hawkins!

(LANK freezes.)EUGENEYou won't be long with that laundry, will you?LANK(The Frenchman:)No no no no no. Toot sweet.PATRICIAAnd we do hate to bother you again, but we'd like some croissants with our coffee. That won't be too much trouble, will it, dear?LANKCroissants? No no no no no.PATRICIAIsn't he silly.(The FODORS exit.)LANK(To himself:)I suppose if they were found dead tomorrow morning there might be questions ...IRENEIt does say "hotel," you know. On the sign.LANK... Excuse me?IRENEThe sign. It says "hotel."LANKDoes it? Oh, my God, it does. Well, we'll just take care of that, shall we?(He walks to the sign ... then suddenly yanks it from the reception desk and starts banging it on the desk. Venting his rage, he breaks it over his head, then mauls it into little pieces and jumps on it, grunting and swearing. Just as suddenly, the rage ends. During LANK's business, CUSTUS & PETE exit through door behind reception desk.)LANKWell. Anything else you'd like to complain about?

IRENEYou're a very frustrated man, aren't you?LANKOh, I see! It's Dr. Freud now, is it?! Well, Doctor, what I really hate are stupid women from New York who have their brains in their backsides -!IRENEYou are, without a doubt, the rudest, most uncouth, roughest man I ever met!(Without warning, she grabs him and kisses him full on the lips. She breaks it and reels backward, hitting the wall.)IRENEOh, my God ...(She kisses him again. Then she shoves him into a chair and pulls the chair to the table.)IRENE(To the BOYS at the table:)Move.(The BOYS scatter in fear, taking their bottles with them.)

___/15/ NAUGHTY BABY (Irene, Lank & Male Quartet Junior, Wyatt, Mingo & Harry)IRENEIf you want a girl who's sentimental,One who'll never set you in a whirl,One who will be always sweet and gentle,I am not that kind of girl.But if you prefer a rather swift one,If you think you'd like to run aroundWith a bright oneI am just the right one.(During the song, IRENE seduces LANK.)

Naughty baby, Naughty baby, Who will tease you.I can show the way And know the way To please you.If you're wanting a beginner,I shan't do.I can make a saint a sinnerWhen I want to.If you find The simple kind Are rather slow, dear,Then you ought to try A naughty one You know, dear,But you'll never meet another who will beA naughty baby, naughty baby just like me.

(Dance break. IRENE ties LANK's ankles and wrists with her scarf, then dances with four of the BOYS to make LANK jealous.)HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR & MINGONaughty baby we love you.IRENEAt Bryn Mawr, I was at the top of my class.HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR & MINGOThough you may be bad, it's true.IRENEAll the boys were underneath.HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR & MINGOPlease don't go.For though we've been warned about you,You must knowThat we want you so!(By this time, LANK has freed himself, and he throws the four BOYS, one by one, out the door of the saloon.)IRENEIf you find the simple kind are rather slow, dear,Then you ought to try a naughty one, you know, dear,But you'll never meet another who will beA naught baby, naughty babymLANKNaughty baby, naughty baby,HARRY, WYATT JUNIOR & MINGO(Looking in through the door.)Naughty baby,IRENEJust like me.(Blackout.)2-2-24

ACT TWOScene ThreeSTAGE OF THE THEATRE, tenminutes later, just behind the curtain. EVERETT is alone with his vacuum cleaner (which makes a very loud buzz), vacuuming the stage. His spirits are low. After amoment, TESS and PATSY enter.TESS(Shouting over the noise:)Everett! ... Everett, would you turn that thing off!EVERETTWhat?PATSYWould you turn that thing off! The meeting is starting!EVERETTI can't hear you with the machine on!TESSI said, would you turn that thing - ...(She realizes how dumb she's being; sighs and pulls the plug.)The meeting is starting.