cracks in the sidewalk

7/31/2019 Cracks in the Sidewalk

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2/33

for my grandmother . . .


3/33

Cracks in the Sidewalk

by Emily Malig


4/33

Mistakes

if shed gotten asecond opinion on the situation, another

doctors advice, maybe

shed still be alive

Hushed voices murmured on

the other side of

the wall

Nonsense!If it was her time, then

it was her time.

God doesnt make mistakes, you

know.

My parents continue

discussing as I

wonderwas it really her

time to go?

or did God

make a

mistake?


5/33

Pretending

Everyone pretends thateverythings okay

Everyone acts

normal

Parents go to

work

Children go to

schoolIts like nothing ever

happened

or if something did

happen

its like everyones moved

on

Everyone is pretending

to beokay

So I pretend too


6/33

Fine. Just fine.

When people ask,Are you okay?

Do you want to talk about it?

I say,

Im fine. Just fine.

Because what the hell am

I supposed to say?

No. Im not okay.But theres not

one

damn

thing

you can do about it?

They want to help.

They want me to feel better.

They want me to be happy.But I cant.

I cant be happy.

I cant feel better.

So I put on

my sunniest smile

and I tell them,

Im fine.Just fine.


7/33

Forever

Dim memories ofmusic

dancing

laughter

Faded photographs of

her

of us

togetherWe are forever

smiling in

those frozen snapshots

Forever

laughing, forever

dancing

But forever only

exists in

photographs


8/33

Broken Seams

Ive never beena good actress

Cannot pretend to

be something Im

not

Cannot pretend to

feel something Im

notIm falling

apart

Trying to hide the

rips

Trying to sew them

together

Before

Ibr

eak


9/33

Sound of Joy

Laughter is the sound of joybubbling up through the

stomach, through the

chest, through the

throat, and out of the

mouth.

Then the sound pierces the

air, like musicringing,

dancing,

flooding

the atmosphere, emanating through the

air, reaching the ears of all who

listen

for the joyful noise.

I havent heard the sound inso long.

Not since before the

funeral. So I guess itisnt

surprising that I jump out

of my skin a little, when

the noise reaches my ears


10/33

Running

HeartbeatsFootsteps

Inhale

Exhale

AwayAwayAwayAway

AwayAwayAwayAway . . .

Gone.


11/33

Homeless

Looking at peoplewho dont have a

house,

who live on the

streets,

who beg for

money,

I think,

Why dont they have a

home?

a place to

live?

I wonder,

are they

dangerous?

are they irrevocably addicted to

intoxicating substances?

How did they screw

up their lives?

How did they endup like this?

Now I wonder,

How didIend

up like this?


12/33

HIM

Ive only heard things aboutthe homeless man

He smokes

He drinks

Hes into drugs

He hangs with the wrong crowd

He had problems growing up

Hes been in jail beforeHes dangerous

I know his reputation

I know what

other people think about him

But what

do I think about him?I dont know what

I think about him

I

dont

even

know

him.


13/33

Their Eyes

What do people see whenthey look at me?

round eyes?

straight hair?

nice clothes?

good grades?

And what do people think when

they look at me?

shes nice?

shes shy?

shes boring?

shes smart?

I wish I

knew


14/33

HIS Eyes

Hes coming nowwalking right towards me.

I stare at him

out of the corner of my eye.

holey converse

baggy jeans

ratty t-shirt

shaggy hairhazel eyes

that look at the ground.

Then they flash up into my own.

Watching

Studying

Observing

I wonder

what they see.


15/33

A Silent Message

HeyHello

Arent you the girl

who walks past

each morning

on her way to school?

Yeah. I am.

Its niceto finally meet you.

Im Joe, he says

as he extends his hand.

Im Ingrid, I say

as I tentatively

extend mine.

Then his big

warm handenvelopes mine.

And his eyes seem

to seep into mine,

sending me a silent message

that says:

You are not alone.


16/33

Little Talks

I never thoughtId be face to face

having a conversation

with the homeless man.

He tells me that

hes lived here,

on this corner

for yearsand that Im welcome

to stay there with him

if I want.

I wonder,

Why doesnt he have a home?

A place to live?

Is he dangerous?

How did he end up like this?then I remember,

that hes probably

wondering

the same exact things

about me


17/33

The Pretenders

Joe is kind.He tries

to talk to me.

He asks me

normal questions.

How are you?

Hows school?

Whats your favorite subject?

He doesnt talk

about being homeless,

or not having a job,

or all of the people

pretending

not to stare at us

as they walk past.He doesnt talk

about how they

pretend

not to hear us,

not to see us,

even as theyre sneaking

peeks

over their shoulders.

Those people

dont bother Joe.

Hes used to it.

But Im not.

Im used to being

one of the peoplewho pretend.


18/33

Expectations

Living onthe streets with Joe is

like living with a stranger.

He doesnt expect me to

mope or

cry or

laugh or

smile ortell him that Im

Fine. Just fine.

He doesnt give me looks of

sympathy

He doesnt force

therapy sessions

He doesnt treat me like Im

broken.

doesntexpect me to be ____________.


19/33

Realization

It takes a couple minutesfor me to realize Im

smiling

laughing.

Takes a half-second longer

for me to realize shes

gone. Shes

Gone.


20/33


21/33

Overflowing

Memoriesare

everywhere

Hidden

under

nooks under

crannies behinddoors behind

walls between

inhales and

exhales between

apologies and

forgiveness between

questions and

answers andmore questions

more questions


22/33

Empty

Mypockets seem to

be filled with

heavy

grey

matter that

weighs me

downBut,

when I check to

see whats

inside,

there is

only

air

that slipsthrough

my

fingers


23/33

Dream Daze

The grief has becomefamiliar

like swimming through

grey

fog

like seeing with

fuzzy

eyesightlike waking up from a

strange

dream

like walking backwards with

closed

eyes

I dont rightly know where Im going


24/33

Q&A

It takes awhile for me togather the courage to

ask,

Why are you here?

Silence. . .

Because there is nothing

else for

me.Because there is no other place

for me to

be.

Because there is no one

for me to be

with.

Because

Imlost.


25/33

On the Brink of Insanity

Then I seethe sagging of his

shoulders

the drooping of his

eyes

the sorrow in his

face

the way he breathes

Slowly

Carefully

As if breathing is the

only thing keeping

him from

losinghis

mind


26/33

Used to it

I wake updazed.

But Im used

to the daze

now.

Im used to the

ache the

grey thefog the

haze the

pounding quiet the

faded memories the

heavy pockets full of nothing the

eyes that pretend not to stare at us the

eyes that pretend not to stare at me the

drooping eyelids thesagging shoulders the

faces full of sorrow the

not knowing

where

the

hell

Im

going


27/33

Hes Stuck.

Im beginning tounderstand Joe.

Hes stuck.

Not moving forward or

backward or

right or

left.

Hes stuck.Swimming through the

fog of his own

sorrow.

Hes stuck.

Lost in the

infinity of his own

mind.

Hes stuck.As every bone in his

body starts to

dissolve.

Hes stuck. Hes

Stuck.


28/33

Not Stuck Yet

Im beginning tobecome stuck.


29/33

The Wave

I cant stay here I cant daydream through the rest of mylife because that would mean I would become a female

version of Joe And I do not want that to happen I do not

want to become a living dead person because thats

what Joe is He stopped living a long time ago and now

he can barely manage existing at all I cant live in the

waking memory of her but I cant run away from her

either because I already tried that; it did not work Iwish I could go back to when everything was okay but I

cant because the knowledge that shes gone is going to

stay with me for the rest of my life until I die I know that

shes gone but I cant seem to accept it nor can I begin to

imagine the possibility of moving on I dont know

where to go because I keep finding memories of her

everywhere so I cant run away from them but I dont

know how to face them either If this were a perfectworld, maybe I would go off and do something amazing

and wonderful and fantastic as a result of whats going

on in my life right now but I dont even know whats

going on and its not a perfect world Im supposed to

overcome this Im supposed to talk to a shrink so that I

can let go of my feelings so that I can feel better and be

happy and live life so that I can love life and then Im

supposed to take what I learned from this experienceand turn it into something great Im supposed to turn

my life around but its turning out to be pretty damn

hard Everyone whos lost someone has turned into

some inspirational icon for the world or at least thats

what itseemed like before I met Joe He doesnt even

know how to live anymore its hard enough for him to

keep breathing Not everyone can become so great Noteveryone can overcome this and maybe just maybe . . .


30/33

maybe just maybe . . .


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AcknowledgementsA gigantic thanks to Gaby DiMuro for being an

excellent mentor, navigator, editor, smiling face, and

much more! This project could not have been what it is

without you.

Thanks to my family for supporting me

throughout this process, and for always being there for

me to talk to.

Lastly, thanks to you for reading!


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cracks in the sidewalk

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