cps conflict resolution #1

Keys to Conflict ResolutionLesson 1: Active Listening

Lesson 2: Seven Steps for Managing Emotions, Especially ANGER

Lesson 3: Teach Escalation and De-escalation of Conflict

Lesson 4: Teach Conflict Styles and Collaborative Problem Solving

Lesson 5: Teach the Differences between Aggression, Assertion, and Passive Behavior

The Two Minute Conflict Resolution Primer

Conflict is a disagreement over resources, goals, values, beliefs, or psychological needs.

Conflict is a normal and natural part of life.

Conflict can be positive.

Conflict is neither good nor bad ~ It’s how you handle it that counts.

Conflict is not always a contest.

Everything you do or say is a step up or a step down the conflict escalator.

Win-Win is a belief and a process.

Win-Win Solutions... Are non-violent Meet important needs and interests of both parties

2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 1

Feel positive and satisfying to both parties

When you are assertive you show that you are strong and respectful.


1. Active ListeningGuidelines for Group Discussion

• Limit the size of the group involved in a dialogue. Divide the group in half using two facilitators or provide a different activity for the other half of the group so each student has more opportunities to participate.

• Sit in a circle or horseshoe shape so that everyone can see each other.

• Identify behaviors that shut down discussion and make some students afraid to speak; identify behaviors that encourage all students to feel comfortable speaking.

Prepare students for oral presentations by creating guidelines for being a responsive audience before listening to oral presentations or guest speakers.

Prepare a set of questions beforehand that students have helped to generate. You might want to prioritize questions or identify three or four that students are eager to discuss.

Use a speakers’ list to avoid constant hand raising and track who wants to speak. Rotate students who manage the speakers’ list.

• Use a talking stick or small stuffed toys or soft fabric ball when students are involved in a whole group or small group discussion—the only person who can speak is the person with the object.

• Use talking chips (plastic poker chips) to ensure that students share the air time. Each student receives two or three chips; when students speak they set aside their chips in the upper right corner of their desk.

Increase “wait time” before inviting students to speak. Silence encourages deliberative thinking. Use index cards or create a dialogue response sheet that students can use to compose their thoughts before they speak, jot down follow-up questions, and reflect on the dialogue when it’s over.


Sit in a circle Use a talking stick Paraphrase

previous speaker Say, “I agree___

and…..” Write first, then

speak Use a speaker’s

list Use wait time Check for

Limit talk time to less than a minute (“Twenty seconds please.”). Or limit the number of times each person can speak (“You’ve spoken twice already. I want to hear what others have to say.”) For students who always have to have the last word or who want to speak adnauseum. Say, “That’s an interesting point. Let’s see what others have to say.”

Use constraints for who can speak at any given time by inviting different sub-groups to respond to different questions—boys, girls, certain letters of the alphabet, sides of the room, etc.

• Listen for and post verbal encouragers that students use to encourage each other to speak during discussions and cooperative group work.

Remind students about agreements/guidelines When students are talking out of turn or engaging in side-bar conversations, remind students of the agreements/guidelines you have made about how the group talks and listens during WHOLE GROUP DISCUSSIONS AND PRESENTATIONS.

Have a procedure in place for students who talk during whole group listening activities. Your procedure might sound like this: The first time I notice that you’re not focused on the speaker and the task, I will give you a non-verbal cue, remind you of our guidelines, or assign you a quick-write task to help you focus. The second time it happens during the same class, I will ask you to sit somewhere else where you will be less distracted.

Encourage students to empathize with another person’s circumstance in a current life situation, in a piece of literature, or in a historical conflict. Ask, “How do you imagine this person feels?” or “How would you feel if you were in that situation?” or “Why might someone feel (frustrated, angry, confused, upset, etc.) in that situation?”

Help students clarify their thinking and provide more detail using these questions and openers:

Tell us more about that.

Can you say more?

What other thoughts do you have about _________.

Is there anything else you want to say about _________?

What do you think that’s about?

Do you think other people see this the same way?

What else should we know about _________?

Encourage students to clarify their viewpoints. Are they speaking from their own experience or making observations about what they have read, heard, or seen.

Remind students that listening doesn’t equal agreement. Respectful listening isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing with the speaker —it’s about


taking in what someone says and communicating that you have understood them. Respectful speaking is about communicating your own thoughts and feelings in ways that your audience will hear and understand. (For more suggestions see page _____.)

Discuss the differences between dialogue and debate. Many students never talk because they always feel like they are in the middle of somebody else’s contest! With the whole class, brainstorm a list of the differences between dialogue and debate. Think about how the goals differ, how people attend and respond differently, and the strengths and limitations of each type of discourse.

If the dialogue starts to feel combative or emotionally intense, stop for a minute and do a feeling/ reality check. Ask how people are feeling about what’s being said. How do others see this issue? Who else wants to respond before we move on? Is there anyone else who has another opinion? Is there anyone else who agrees?

Remind students that changing positions isn’t backing down, but rather involves listeners in reassessing their views after taking in more data and perspectives.

Loaded, provocative, or negative language heats up tensions and sucks positive energy from the room. You may want to encourage the group to think about how they want to call attention to negative language. For example, a student might say, “I’m not sure that language helps us better understand _____________” and then request that a word or phrase be replaced with less emotionally charged language. Or say, “That crosses the line. Could you use language that’s more neutral and less charged?”


Use Dialogue Protocols to Deconstruct Active

ListeningTeachers ask all the time, “How do really practice and assess active listening?” One solution is to use various dialogue protocols that focus on very specific active listening skills. Dialogue protocols help students pay closer attention to the conversation. Structured discussions have the advantage of slowing down thinking, thus, improving listening and encouraging participants to choose more carefully what they say and how they say it. Experiment with these process suggestions to determine what structures work best for different groups and different types of discussions.

Here are suggestions that call for students to use specific active listening skills:

Read aloud every week.

Use paired reading when students are working with challenging texts. Partners take turns reading the text in small sections and then the other person paraphrases what the person just read.


involves… Non-verbal attending—demonstrating your full

attention through your body language and facial expression

Interested silence when you ONLY listen

Verbal encouragers that invite someone to continue speaking

Restating what people say so that they know they’ve been understood

Checking for accuracy of understanding

Empathizing by reflecting a speaker’s feelings in ways that acknowledge the person’s emotional state and the feelings he/she attaches to the issue being discussed

Asking open-ended questions that give the speaker a chance to clarify his/her thinking, provide more information, or discuss underlying needs and concerns

Try a “trio read and respond”. Students form trios and take turns reading the text with these two instructions: 1) You can’t read more than a page when it’s your turn; and 2) You stop reading when you’ve found something you want to discuss; something you’re confused about; something that feels important to underscore; something that triggers a question; something that connects to the rest of the text; or something that connects to your own experience.

Time mini-lectures—10 to 15 minutes is about the limit for good retention. Students tend to be far more attentive when they know the lecture will be over soon!

Check for understanding by inviting a volunteer to paraphrase instructions. Or ask students to pair up to clarify their understanding of an assignment, directions, a problem that is posed; then invite a student to restate the problem, assignment, directions in their own words for the whole group.

Every 10 to 15 minutes – take 2 to review—After a mini-lecture, read aloud, or video have students work individually, in pairs, or home groups to review what they understood; fill in the gaps from their notes independently, or respond to two or three questions.

Start discussion with a “go-round” using an open-ended question where everyone who wants to respond gets to speak before the group raises questions or shifts to back and forth dialogue.

Use partner paraphrasing to practice listening for understanding. One partner explains a problem or process or shares her/his perspective on a topic or question. The other person writes down the explanation as accurately as possible. Then partners switch roles. This strategy is effective when you want students to explain a mathematical solution step-by-step; summarize a lab experiment; rehearse responses to essay questions; or describe causal relationships linked to a historical event.

Before students rush to argue, ask them first to identify something they agree with that they’ve heard before they share their perspective. Say “I agree with _____________ and I’d like to add/ask _____________ .”

Close with summary points linked to what students just heard or viewed by 1) pairing up and writing down three key points to remember; 2) assigning numbers to students so that there are four 1’s, four 2’s, four 3’s, and so on – at the close of the lecture or discussion ask each group to put their heads together and prepare a summary or a response to their assigned question. Take three minutes for groups to talk it through and then share responses with the whole group. or 3) Taking a two minute time-out to pair/share, write about, or reflect as a group on these questions: “What issues are clearer for you? What’s still vague or confusing? What are the two or three things that have been said that have helped to deepen your understanding of ___________?


Pair-Shares

This is a simple technique to get everyone engaged in conversation at the same time. Ideally it is a way to brainstorm, begin discussion on a compelling question, frame a topic or study, exchange first thoughts, or assess what people know.

Directions:

Students pair up in two’s facing each other in order to bring their knowledge, opinions,

and experiences to the topic at hand. The facilitator frames the issue and invites one person in each pair to speak for one to two minutes in response to the question. Then the other partner speaks for one to two minutes, thus reversing the roles of listener and speaker.

It is important to remind students that when they are in the role of listener, their goal is to focus their complete attention on the speaker and listen in interested silence.

After the pair-share, invite students to share their own thoughts or paraphrase their partner’s thoughts as a way to continue discussion. You might want to use newsprint to record various student responses that reflect a range of ideas and opinions.


Listening Lab

A listening lab is a structured small group experience in which people deepen their understanding of each other’s perspective through speaking and listening. Students who are reticent to speak in a large group find this format a less intimidating way to share their thoughts with others. In groups of three to five, students take turns responding to the same question. Each person has a specified amount of time (45 – 90 seconds) to respond. When one student speaks, other students are expected to give that student their full attention and interested silence. Listening labs are not a time for back and forth conversation, but rather provide each student with an opportunity to share their perspectives and experiences without being interrupted.

Directions:

Divide students into groups of three to five. Have students circle up so they can see each other. Here are some guidelines for participating in a listening lab.

1. Speak from your own experience (your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives)

2. Sit with the silence if one person finishes speaking before time is up.

3. ONLY LISTEN; don’t comment on what the speaker says.

4. It’s okay to pass if you need more time to think or would rather not respond.

5. Be aware of your own comfort zone. Share what feels comfortable to share.

6. What’s said in the group stays in the group. Can we make an agreement that what we share among ourselves in small groups will stay within the group?

Ask for a volunteer from each group who is willing to speak first. Have volunteers raise their hands so that you know when all groups are ready to begin. State the question. Then clarify the question using an example that illustrates various ways students might respond to it. Set your timer for about 45 seconds. Repeat the question and say, “It’s time for the first person to speak.” When time is up, say, “It’s time for the second person to speak.” Continue until each student in each group has had a chance to respond to the question. The first time you use a listening lab, you might want to ask students,

• What was this process like for you?

• What did you notice about how you were listening?

• What did it feel like to be listened to in this way?

• What made this easy or challenging for you?

Sample Questions:

Literature: In groups of four, each student takes on the role of a character and responds to a series of questions from the perspective of that character.

Science: Discuss social and ethical consequences of environmental policies.


Any subject: Use listening labs as a way to review essay questions, rehearse and prepare for discussions, share project proposals or project findings.

Any subject: Use a listening lab before exams where students can share perspectives on what makes exam time stressful; what they do to relax and focus; what kinds of “self-talk” and beliefs about themselves will help them feel confident and prepared.

Personal Perspectives: Use any of the gathering and closing questions on pages _______ or the reflection questions on pages______>

Paraphrasing Circles

This is a variation of the listening lab format. The goal is to use paraphrasing (accurately restating a person’s thoughts in one’s own words) to ensure that everyone who speaks is understood. Each group of three or four students sits in a circle facing each other. You might want all groups to discuss the same issue or questions, or you can invite groups to choose which two to three questions they want to discuss from a larger list of questions.

In paraphrasing circles, the first student in the group responds to the chosen question without being interrupted. Then the second student paraphrases what the previous student said and checks for accuracy. The first person can correct or clarify the restatement at this time. Then the second student responds to the same question without being interrupted. The third person paraphrases the second person, checks for accuracy, and shares her/his perspective on the question. This process is repeated until everyone has a turn.

You might want to add one more part to each round. Invite one student from each small group to summarize students’ perspectives by reporting out to the larger group. Or you might invite one student to record any questions that arise after everyone in the small group has spoken.

Opinion Continuum

Moving opinion polls are a way to get students up and moving as they place themselves along a STRONGLY AGREE to STRONGLY DISAGREE continuum according to their opinions about specific statements. The most powerful aspect of this exercise is the insight, new to many students, that people can disagree without fighting—in fact, people can listen to various points of view respectfully and even rethink their own opinions upon hearing the views of others. Create a corridor of space in your room, from one end to the other end, that is long enough and wide enough to accommodate your whole class. Make two large signs and post them on opposite sides of the room:

Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree

Explain to students, “You will be participating in a moving opinion poll. Each time you hear


a statement you are to move to the place along the imaginary line between “strongly agree” and “strongly disagree” that most closely reflects your opinion. If you strongly disagree you will move all the way to that side of the room. If you strongly agree you will move all the way to the other side of the room. You can also place yourself anywhere in the middle, especially if you have mixed feelings about the question.”

“After you have placed yourselves along the continuum, I will invite people to share why they are standing where they are. This is not a time to debate or grill each other. Rather, this is a way to hear what people are thinking and get a sense of the different ways people perceive the issue.”

When you do this activity begin with a statement that indicates non-controversial preferences like, “Chocolate is the best ice cream flavor in the world.” Then introduce statements related to a topic you’re exploring in your course work. You might want to “muddy the water” by modifying statements slightly, using different qualifiers, conditions, and contexts to see if students’ opinions shift. For example, one statement might be, “Local communities should have a general curfew of midnight for all teens under 18.” Another statement might be, “Local communities should have a school night curfew of midnight for all teens under 18.

2. Teach Students Seven Steps for Managing their Emotions, Especially Anger

A few words about emotions:

There are more feelings than mad, bored, or fine. Having an accurate vocabulary for describing feelings is a crucial step in dealing with them. Without the right words or the ability to express emotions, many people act them out instead. The result is often impulsive behavior that leads to big trouble. Feelings drive our behavior and can motivate us positively or negatively. Further, we can influence our emotions more than we might think. Feelings don't make us do specific actions.

Feelings have different intensities and change over time. We don't have to act as if each circumstance is extreme and permanent. One important goal is to make appropriate matches between what we feel and what we do. (When I feel somewhat irritated, I might … When I feel really furious, I might …) All feelings are okay, although how a person acts will have positive or negative consequences for them and other people.

Feelings can conflict with other feelings, complicating their impact. It can be hard to navigate between competing emotions, such as feeling both attracted to and afraid of an experience, person or task. With some self-awareness and self-management, people can make choices even when feeling strong or conflicting emotions.

The handout, “Feelings, Moods, and Attitudes” on page_____, is not a strict list of emotions. Instead it includes a wider range of expressions that adolescents might use or


find useful. Encourage students to add to the list. For students whose emotions vocabulary is comprised mainly of curse words, particularly for anger, this can be a challenging and helpful exercise.

Instead of identifying one's own emotions, many people name others' emotions, express judgments, or name behaviors. "He is embarrassed" might mean "I feel guilty." "She's a witch" might mean "I feel hurt." "I can't sit still" might mean "I am anxious." In each case, naming one's own feelings usually leads to healthier ways of dealing with those feelings and the relationships involved.

1. Find the words for your feelings and others' feelings. Go beyond using the words “mad” and “bored.” Don't settle for one word if you feel angry; there's probably another. Are you embarrassed and angry, sad and angry, hurt and angry? Learn the difference between thoughts and feelings. Learn words that describe the intensity of the feeling. Practice reading other people's emotions. Use the handout, “Feelings, Moods, and Attitudes” on page____.

2. Know your anger cues. How do you know that you’re getting angry? What are the physical signs of anger? What happens to your body, your voice, your face, your stance, etc.?

3. Identify your anger triggers. What behaviors are “triggers” for you – whenever someone _______, I feel _______. Or, whenever I experience _______ I’m likely to feel__________. When you’re feeling really angry, what DON’T want someone to do or say? What response is likely to make you even more angry?

4. Learn and practice reducers that help you cool down, stay in charge and release your feelings in a healthy way. What you’re already IN ANGRY what can you do or say to yourself to feel calmer and more in control of your emotions? What can someone else say or do that will help you? (See Anger Mountain on page ___)

5. Take responsibility for your behavior – be aware of the things you do and say that lead other people to be upset and angry with you. Some of them are predictable!

6. Communicate – Express your feelings in ways that others can hear what you have to say. How can you say what you feel, what you need, or what’s bothering you without attacking and accusing the other person? (See section on Assertion on page ___)

7. Reflect on how you manage your emotions. Assess what’s working and what’s not. Congratulate yourself when you’ve handled a difficult situation well. Try out other strategies that might help you handle situations more constructively.


Feelings, Moods, and Attitudes

acceptedafraidaffectionateagitatedaggressiveaggravatedamazedambivalentamusedangryannoyedanxiousappreciativeargumentativearrogantashamedawestruckawkwardbadbelligerentboredbravecalmcautiouscheerfulclosedcomfortableconfidentconfusedcontemptuouscontentcourageouscrabbycrankycurious

depresseddesperatedetermineddisconcerteddiscourageddisappointeddisgusteddisillusioneddisrespecteddistracteddowneagerecstaticelatedembarrassedemptyenergizedenragedenthusiasticenviousexasperatedexcitedexcludedfearfulfearlessfocusedfoolishfrenziedfriendlyfrightenedfrustratedfuriousgoodgoofygratefulgreedygrief-stricken

grossed outguiltyhappyhatefulheartbrokenhelplesshopefulhorrifiedhostilehumiliatedhurthystericalimpatientindependentindifferentindignantinferiorinspiredintimidatedirateirritatedjazzedjealousjollyjoyfuljuicedjumpylividlonelylovedlovingmadmaliciousmellowmischievousmiserablemortified

nervousobstinateopenoptimisticoverwhelmedpainedpanickedparanoidpeacefulpeevedperplexedplayfulpersecutedpessimisticpositivepowerfulpowerlesspreparedproudpsychedpuzzledreflectiverefreshedregretfulrejectedrelievedremorsefulrepulsedrespectedrighteoussadsafesatisfiedscaredsecureself-assuredself-

shockedshut downshysillysorrowfulspitefulstubbornstucksulkysupportedsurprisedsuspicioussympathetictenacioustenseterrificterrifiedticked offthreatenedthrilledtimidtrusteduncertainuncomfortableuneasyunsafeupupsetvengefulvictimizedvictoriousvindictivewarmwarywearyweird


defeateddefensivedelighted

grouchy negative consciousself-pitying

wistfulworried

When you go up Anger Mountain…

You have 8 secondsbefore you think STUPID!!!!

Know your cues

Know your triggers


How do I know that I’m getting angry? What happens in my body, to my voice, with my movements, on my face?

What sets me off? What makes me really MAD? FRUSTRATED? UPSET?

What can I do for that will help me cool down and regain control? What can others do to help me cool down and regain control?

Your adrenaline keeps you climbing until you release your anger, lose control, or harm

You can’t THINK when you’re IN ANGRY!!!

Your 8second windo

TRIGGE

Know your reducers


3. Conflict Escalation and De-escalation

2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515

Monica: “Look what you did to my jacket!!!

Here’s the situation:Kiesha accidentally spills catsup on Monica’s brand new white silk jacket.

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When conflicts escalate, what you can do to go down or get off the escalator?In every conflict you have the power to escalate or de-escalate the situation. You always have a choice. All conflicts share these common elements:

1. Conflicts are normal and they’re neither bad or good – how we choose to handle conflict, however, will produce positive or negative results.

2. Conflicts involve a clash between each person’s needs and goals in a specific situation in a specific moment in time. Our goals and needs change constantly.

3. No one comes to a conflict empty handed – we each bring a suitcase filled with: a limited or plentiful set of skills and resources; our prior experiences in similar situations; our perceptions, assumptions, and attitudes about the other person; and our current mood and emotional state.

4. What we do and say will either move us a step up to a major confrontation or a step down to a place where each of us can keep our respect and dignity intact, whether we choose to problem solve or walk away.

5. ANGER is the motor that drives the conflict escalator. Each step up the escalatorgets more emotionally charged. The further up we go, the harder it is to get offthe escalator.

Here’s the situation:

When the student enters the classroom, the teacher says, “Michael, where are those two assignments?”


Michael: (a little more hostile and aggressively: “Can I just breathe?”

Teacher: (more angry this time) “Don’t use that tone with me. Your attitude’s getting you nowhere fast.”

Teacher: He knows this student is prickly, so he backs off NOW and says, “Absolutely. Get settled and we’ll catch up later.”

Michael: “What attitude? You’re the one with the attitude.

Michael: “Can I breathe?”

Teacher: “Excuse me? I asked for those assignments. Do you have them or not?”

Teacher: “And that just got you a trip to the Dean.”

It’s easy to fixate on the thing a student didn’t do or didn’t get right – no assignment, no pencil, no materials, etc.The risk is “picking up the rope” and forcing a power

Here’s a typical adolescent encounter that can be a non-incident or become a full-blown explosion. It all depends on the teachers’ knowledge of the student, the teacher’s primary goal in the moment, and the teacher’s de-

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Teacher: When students are working independently, he checks in with Michael privately to discuss the status

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4. The Four F Words of Conflict Styles

FIGHT (Force; Direct)

Flight(Avoidance)

Fright(Accommodation)

Flow(Collaborationand Compromise)

You express your feelings, needs, wants, and ideas at the expense of others; you use threats, verbal and psychological attacks, and physical force to meet your goals; you try to dominate and use your power over others.

You choose not to express your feelings, needs, or ideas; you ignore or deny your own rights and needs which allows others to infringe on them; you may choose to get out of the way for reasons of safety and survival.

You are unable to express your feelings, needs, or ideas, even if you wanted to; you "freeze up" or feel paralyzed or powerless to do anything; you may get "run over" before you gain enough control and confidence to act.

You are willing to "flow" with the other person, by establishing rapport, by listening to other points of view, and by sharing a willingness to problem solve; you express your feelings and needs and stand up for your ideas in ways that do not violate the rights and respect of the other person.


You always have choices when you respond to a conflict. You can…Fight (“Force and demand; My way or the highway”)

Flight (“Avoid it, ignore it, exit, deny it”)

Give in (“Let it go”; “Smooth it over”; “You want this more than I do”)

Postpone (“Save it for later”)

Problem Solve:CHECK IT OUT and notice, observe, and ask questions

before you decide what to do

LISTEN when someone’s upset

ASSERT by focusing on your “No’s”, needs, and feelings

NEGOTIATE (“Let’s talk it out and come up with a solution that works for both of us.”)


Goals

Relationship

Postpone

Fight

Flight

10

10

Give In0

0

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Teach A, B, C, D, E problem solving:Take time to teach everyone A, B, C, D, E problem solving. This five step process is used throughout the guide for individual, interpersonal, and group problem solving. Other sample problem solving protocols are included in the handouts at the end of this chapter. (See Practice 5 pages___).

ASSESS the situation and ASK, What’s the problem? How do you feel the situation? What do you each need? What interests do we have in common?

BRAINSTORM at least three possible solutions (Picture what the situation would look like if it were solved. Do this without criticizing or evaluating anything suggested.)

CONSIDER each CHOICE CAREFULLY (How does each choice meet the needs and interests of everyone involved? What are the benefits of each choice? What are the negative constraints and limitations? Is the choice respectful, responsible, and reasonable? Cross out the choices that the group feels are the least effective.)

DECIDE on the best choice and DO it (Discuss the remaining choices and come to agreement on the best solution. Be mindful that the best choice might include a combination of several possible solutions.)

EVALUATE your decision after it has been implemented (What happened? Did it work? What evidence do you have that it worked effectively? Is there anything that would help the group implement the solution more effectively?)

Use three minute problem solving for interpersonal conflicts

When two students are involved in an interpersonal conflict, offer students an option to resolve it in three minutes using this protocol:

1) What happened and why is it a problem?

2) What do you each of you need to solve the problem or improve the situation?

3) What are two solutions you would both be willing to try to resolve the problem?

Check back with both of them in five minutes to hear their solutions. Ask them to choose the one that will work for both of them.


5. Teach the differences between aggressive, passive, and assertive speech and behavior

Students have the right to express their needs, interests, feelings, and opinions in class. And they also have the responsibility to say and do it in ways that don’t hurt, insult, or disrespect others. Assertive speech enables people to take care of themselves AND take care with other people. (I can express myself and stand up for myself without being mean and nasty to the other person.)

Sounds easy enough, but most students don’t know the difference between aggressive and assertive speech and behavior. The handout on page___ provides openers that help students use assertive language. The handout on page ____ helps clarify the differences between aggressive, passive, and assertive speech. Be mindful of all the opportunities when you can model assertion and offer explicit invitations for students to practice assertive speech.

ASSERTIVE


PASSIVEI ALLOW OTHERS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME BY CHOOSINGNOT TO ACT OR NOT TO SAY WHATI REALLY FEEL, NEED, WANT OR THINK“What ever” “I don’t care”…. “I guess so” (silence, mumbling, or whining)

I get what I need and want at the expense of others – I use rude, crude, mean, disrespectful, or abusive speech“That was so stupid.” “You never___” “Why can’t you_____” “You are such a __________” “Get out of my face!” “You X?X?!X!!!!”

NOT

NOT

Name what you’re thinking and feeling, what you need and want.

Give others information that can help them understand your situation. Nobody can read your mind.

Let others know when you’re frustrated, angry, or upset so they don’t have to guess your mood.

Say what’s bothering you and what you want to stop

Point out how someone’s decision or action affects you

Say what you like and don’t like

Ask for help when you need it.

Make suggestions and state your preferences.

Say “NO” when you really need to

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Find the Right Words to Be


I feel_________I see_________I think________I noticed______I wonder______I imagine______I’m not sure____

I need / I want / I’d like_____

Help me understand_________

I’d really like some help _____

I’m feeling_______about____. Can we talk about this?

I’m confused. Can you tell me more about___________?

That’s not going to work for me. I need to take a pass this time.

I’m really not interested. You okay with that?

I need to say no for right now.

I’d much rather _______ if that’s okay with you.

For me, it would work better if_______.

Here’s what I’d like to sugggest….

Well that didn’t go well. What if we_________?

Okay, I messed up. I’d like to fix it.

From blaming and attacking to ….From complaining,

confusion, or helplessness to…. From speaking

for or about others to….

From saying “YES” when you really mean “NO” to….

From denial and making excuses From just going

along or saying nothing to.…

From putting down someone else’s idea to….

I see that differently.

It sounds like you think_____. I think_______.

I see your point and here’s how I see the situation.

I guess we’re agreeing to disagree on this one. Are we good?

I feel ____ when you_______ because______.

It bothers me when_____. I’d like you to ______.

I don’t like it when _____. I want you to ___________

I know you didn’t mean any disrespect, but

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Aggressive, Passive, or Assertive: What’s the Difference?

Aggressive ~ I get what I want and need at the expense of others – by dominating or hurting others physically or emotionally

Passive ~ I allow others to take advantage of me by choosing not to act and not expressing my feelings, needs, or thoughts

Assertive ~ I take care of myself by expressing my needs, thoughts, and feelings, while showing respect and decency toward others

Sounds like You put down the other person, attack and accuse: "You’re such a …;" "You always …"; "You never …"

You blame, assume, stereotype; you’re argumentative and interrupt a lot.

Your voice is loud, dramatic, hostile. Your language is often mean, negative, rude, abusive, sarcastic.

Sounds like You never really say what you feel, want, and need. “Whatever, it doesn’t really matter to me.” "I guess so.”

You’re silent or withhold information; you speak so softly others can’t really hear you; you apologize a lot and blame others. You go along even if you really don’t want to.

You whine and wear people down.

Sounds like You share your needs, requests, and opinions honestly and openly. "I need to …" "I feel … when … because …"

You listen attentively even if you disagree, and appreciate others' efforts to listen. You speak up. You take responsibility when you mess up.

Your voice is even, calm, friendly. Your language is respectful, neutral or positive.

Looks like Getting in someone’s face; eye-rolling; threatening, confrontational posture; invading someone’s personal space; dramatic arm movements; pointing fingers

Looks like Shoulder shrugs; you look weighted down; you don’t make eye contact; you look withdrawn like you’re trying to hide; you pout, frown; you look flustered

Looks like Relaxed; open expression and posture that invites conversation; matching how the other person is sitting or standing; side by side rather than eyeball to eyeball

Pay-off's You get what you demand most of the time; you stay in control; others see you as powerful ; you protect yourself

Pay-off's You avoid confrontation or taking responsibility. You don’t get blamed. Using the silent treatment, you can ruin someone’s good time without being aggressive.

Pay-off's You keep your dignity and self-respect; you get your needs met more often; you maintain respect for others; you value others; you use your power positively

Costs Your behavior can be dangerous and destructive; you may alienate and

Costs You don’t feel in control of your emotions very often; you get anxious,

Costs It takes time. You may experience more conflict, although you


use other people. People may not like you. You fear not being in control and then lose control when you don’t get what you want. You put on a front for others and can isolate yourself.

resentful, angry a lot. Instead of expressing it you seethe inside; you lose your self-respect; you give up being yourself. Other people walk over you. You don’t have many real friends.

have more tools to handle it effectively. Even when you’re sensitive to other’s needs and feelings, they can still feel uncomfortable with your directness and reject what you’re saying.


When you feel disrespected by another student, you can….

Exit


What can I say that will help me take care of myself, send a strong message, and de-escalate the situation?

What can I do immediately to collect myself and keep my self-control?

Don’t wait for an apology or change of attitude. You said what you needed to say, and now you need to leave the scene, walk the other way, or focus your attention elsewhere.

Say your message

Say the person’s name and show respect.Say, “I feel disrespected when you……. Please don’t say/do that again.”

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When someone is bothering you, you can….

Exit


What can I say that will help me take care of myself, send a strong message, and de-escalate the situation?

What can I do immediately to collect myself and keep my self-control?

Don’t wait for an apology or change of attitude. You said what you needed to say, and now you need to leave the scene, walk the other way, or focus your attention elsewhere.

Say your message

Say the person’s name and show respect.

Say, “I don’t like it when you ______________________. I want you to stop.”

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Conflict is a disagreement over resources, goals, values, beliefs, or psychological needs.

Conflict is a normal and natural part of life.

Conflict can be positive.

Conflict is neither good nor bad ~ It’s how you handle it that counts.

Conflict is not always a contest.

Everything you do or say is a step up or a step down the conflict escalator.

Win-Win is a belief and a process.

Win-Win Solutions... Are non-violent Meet important needs and interests of

both parties Feel positive and satisfying to both

parties

When you are assertive you show that you are strong and respectful.



Assertive Name what you’re thinking and

feeling, what you need and want.

Give others information that can help them understand your situation. Nobody can read your mind.

Let others know when you’re frustrated, angry, or upset so they don’t have to guess your mood.

Say what’s bothering you and what you want to stop

Point out how someone’s decision or action affects you

Say what you like and don’t like

Ask for help when you need it.

Make suggestions and state your preferences.

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cps conflict resolution #1

Education