Considering senior housing options with older relatives?

Start with a conversation about finances.

30 Wallingford Road, Brighton MA 02135-4753 Phone: 617-912-8400 | Fax: 617-912-8489 | info@jche.org

Why Have the Conversation?

Most people naturally avoid talking about money, especially parents and their children. The norm is waiting until there is a crisis to raise the issues—but when you wait for a crisis, you automatically limit your options. In contrast, sharing an understanding of the financial picture and the options for where/how to live out one’s senior years allow formaximum choice--we urge you to do it now!

Industry experts in geriatric care have a saying about the three secrets of graceful, vibrant and dignified aging: “housing, housing and housing.” So what does one’s financial situation have to do with being situated in optimal housing? If you or your parents have unlimited financial resources then there are many options and few concerns. However, most older adults live on a fixed income.

With limited financial resources there are still great options for housing--the key is planning ahead. Having a plan that addresses your resources, and if need be places you on wait lists, will ensure that you are able to live in a vibrant, safe and financially sustainable home.

Having the conversation may not be easy -- at least not to begin with. It may elicit feelings of loss of control or privacy, or even a feeling of shame on the part of the older adult. However, despite the discomfort associated with broaching the subject, struggling through the conversations and subsequent action is almost always worth the effort, because it will allow the family to give serious thought to their priorities and how the older adults would like to spend their remaining years.

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“When you wait until a crisis

hits to discuss finances, you

limit your options.”

all content © 2013 JCHE

How to Have the Conversation

If you have siblings, decide together who should bring up the topic. Judge the situation - can you ask in a straightforward manner who the older adult would like to participate in the conversation?

“Can we talk openly about your financial situation?” may be the simplest, most straightforward way to begin the first conversation. In some circumstances, the older adult may have been thinking about it, and waiting for you to broach the topic. For others, no matter what you say or how you say it, he/she will be unwilling to engage with you. Most older adults will fall somewhere in the middle. As each older adult, circumstance and dynamic is different, you have to judge how hard to push. If you are too assertive, the older adult may shut down. If you do not press hard enough, the older adult may respond with “Everything is fine, no need to worry.”

If the “can we talk” approach doesn’t feel comfortable or wasn’t successful, and you need another way to broach the subject, then give the following techniques a try:

l When the older adult brings up a money-related topic (e.g. a complaint about low interest rates, home sales prices in their neighborhood, a medical bill, or even a high utility bill).

l Use yourself as an example by sharing your own financial-related experience (e.g. refinancing a home, financial planning to send a child to college, or consulting with an attorney to create your own will). Let the older adult know that you have been thinking about your own financial planning, and ask how he/she managed finances in the past, and what plans he/she have made for the future. This may give you a better sense whether a financial professional is involved, or whether the older adult approaches finances in an organized way. Perhaps this will motivate the two of you working together to get both “financial households” organized.

.l Ask the older adult to share with you how he/she saved and spent money. Through this discussion, you can wind your way into a discussion about how he/she plans to manage finances in later years. You can emphasize that if you do get involved, your goal is to carry out his/her plans, but that you need those plans in order to follow them.

l Unfortunately, our high tech society has made it even easier for scam artists to prey on older adults. Share a scam story with the older adult to reinforce how vigilant he/she needs to be, or to allow you to help monitor his/her credit score. You will be able to see some of the financial institutions he/she uses on their credit report.

l Think about mentioning a friend or coworker’s situation: “This guy at work is trying to figure out his parents’ finances since his Dad went into a nursing home. He really wishes they had talked about this before his Dad had the stroke. At least his Dad could have told him where to find all their important documents.” Or, “When my friend’s father died, it was apparent that he never discussed any financial matters with his family. They didn’t even know if he had life insurance! It has been six months since he died and they still haven’t finished sorting through the paperwork to understand his financial situation!”

l There is a lot of media focus on baby boomer aging. Estate taxes, changes in insurance regulations, or Medicare prescription drug plans are almost always in the news. Any of these topics may be the perfect ice-breaker and entre to the broader conversation.

30 Wallingford Road, Brighton MA 02135-4753 Phone: 617-912-8400 | Fax: 617-912-8489 | info@jche.org

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all content © 2013 JCHE

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l In reference to an article you read (like this one!)

Naturally, if the conversation reaches a topic beyond the scope of your knowledge, plan to visit an eldercare attorney, financial planner, estate planner or whichever expert is most appropriate to the situation. This may also help with family dynamics and sibling issues, because the information you receive will be neutral and unbiased.

If the older adult in your life can not bring himself/herself to have the conversation with you, perhaps he/she can collect documents, list financial institutions, contact names, addresses, and account numbers and so forth. If he/she is unable to take those steps, meet him/her half way. You make the list of the types of institutions and he/she can fill in the rest. Then you can go back and ask specific questions because it is very likely that it will be a more comfortable conversation now that the ice has been broken.

As with all conversations, convey respect and a desire for mutual understanding above all else. Statements like “how would you like this to be handled” are better than “I am going to pay these bills from now on.” Similarly, statements such as “I need to know this information” is less effective than “Can I help you get your papers organized, so if you need them they are easy to find?”

What if Your Efforts are Rejected?

If the older adult in your life will not agree to share financial information with you, of course you may need to back off graciously. Perhaps at a minimum, you can encourage him/her to think seriously about whether a move to senior housing is a good choice now or down the road, and to work with a financial planner, attorney, geriatric care manager, or accountant to work out the finances.

The next “Conversation” in this series will define the tasks associated with getting organized financially. Please visit http://www.jche.org again soon!

30 Wallingford Road, Brighton MA 02135-4753 Phone: 617-912-8400 | Fax: 617-912-8489 | info@jche.org

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all content © 2013 JCHE