Conflict Resolution through

Self Awareness

Philip J. Portelance, BA, MBA

Human Resource Professional

Experienced? Yes Expert? No

Conflict as a result of Self Deception

Getting into “the box”

"...people respond not primarily to what you do but to how you're being...“

― Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box

What is Self Deception?

• An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another

• When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal

• As a result of my self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted and I enter “the box”

Signs of Self Deception

• Am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of others?

• Do I make others out to be worse than they really are just to feel justified?

• Does my need to be right blind me to the possibility that I may be wrong?

• If I feel as though I am being mistreated, will I miss the fact that I may be mistreating others?

• Does my need for justification obscure the truth?

Collusion

• When we are in “the box”, we will provoke others to be in “the box” too

• Mutual mistreatment and justification

Result is Conflict

Lack of….

• Commitment

• Engagement

• Motivation

• Trust

• Accountability

Introduction of….

• Stress

• Poor teamwork

• Backbiting

• Bad attitudes

• Poor communication

Conflict Resolution through Self Awareness

Getting out of “the box” and staying out!

“If we are going to find lasting solutions to difficult conflicts……we first need to find our way out of

the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts, feelings and attitudes toward others.”

― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

What Doesn’t Work?

• Trying to change others

• Coping with others

• Leaving the situation

• Communicating

• Implementing new skills or techniques

• Changing my behaviour

Change Your Perception

• See others as people, not objects

• Change your motivation

• Have empathy

• Be genuine

Being Out of the Box

• Not resisting what is outside of our “box”

• Understanding that you may resist some while not others at the same time

• Not rushing to judgement

• Letting go of prejudices

• Appreciating others

• Honouring ourselves

Living Self Awareness

• Live the principles, not the catch phrases

• Try to be better, not perfect

• Change yourself, your perceptions

• Apologize and move forward

• It’s about what you do right

• It’s about what help you can provide

Using Self Awareness at Work

• Leadership and Team Building

• Conflict Resolution

• Promoting Accountability

• Professional Growth and Development

• Managing Cultural Diversity

• Organizational change

References

• Arbinger Institute http://www.arbinger.com/for-conflicts/approach/

• Dale Carnegie http://www.dalecarnegie.com/conflict_resolution/

• International Association for Conflict Management http://www.iacm-conflict.org/

Questions?